Overwhelmed with all the responses.  I am still just trying to get through them all.  I appreciate all the emails, and I hopefully will have some time soon to start writing back.  

I snuck out last Saturday evening for a few hours, took off walking and called my old boyfriend to come pick me up.  I went to his house and just watched TV with him.  When I got home, it was a nightmare, and I knew that would happen anyway, but I wanted to make some kind of stand.  I don't have feelings for the old boyfriend, I guess I wanted to see for sure, though.  

I do have feelings for the man I am with who is actually my ex-husband, but I don't think they are healthy feelings.  I care about him, but that is about it.  Why do I stay with him?  Because I don't think I can manage financially or emotionally without someone who is strong.  I could probably rent half my house out cuz its a big house, but they would have to love dogs cuz I have four of them and can be annoying sometimes.  and then I wonder how that would all work out anyway, if they gave me a hard time or didn't pay.  

Sometimes I think I just want to be completely alone, life would be so simple then.  just me and the crazy dogs.  "oh that lady, yeah, she's the crazy dog lady, don't go to her house"