If I do make it out to view your profile and you wonder why I didn't reach out, it's probably because I saw pantyhose/stockings fetishes. Pay attention to what your profile says to a potential Mistress. It's nice to look at the list to see some compatibility but if you like something that She detests, then She has so many inquiries that something that simple could take you out of the running for Her attention. Take it as advice or leave it - make sure that what's on your fetish list represents your list of must haves in order to be compatible with a Mistress. Any man who wants to wear panties and heels is never going to work for Me personally and I know most Mistresses who feel that way about something. Fetishes can be deal breakers, so choose them carefully.

It's funny to Me how many successful M/s couples I meet who say they met on collarme. I don't see how but I'm committed to give it another shot. This time, I'll spend less time responding to messages sent to Me and more time really searching and trying to find someone who takes this seriously.

The more time I spend away from this site, the more I love it when I come back. I spend a lot of time in the drama of the discussion boards over on another site that they won't let me print here which makes me fucking laugh, so it's nice to come back and check every once in awhile and see the raw need of the people over here. Thanks to all those who continue to hit the admire button. I pay attention but only respond to those who seem a good fit. I think I've been perfectly clear about what I want and what I won't tolerate so the quality of messages has definitely gone up.

We're into costumes but not roleplaying. We do Pirate Weekend at TRF and something movie-themed for Halloween each year. I dyed my hair red to be The Phoenix last year and liked it so much that I kept it. I've also done Selene from Underworld and will probably do Scarlet from GI Joe this year. I love rubber.

I’m a witch but I don't consider myself Wiccan much like people tend to believe in God but don't really like to go to church. The whole naked, nature, coven thing doesn't appeal to me. I decorate the hearth and am good at protection and banishing spells. I'm a weather witch too.

As far as the poly stuff, I have room for two people to live in. I'm a 24/7 protocol dominant who prefers slaves to serve in a uniform instead of in the nude, and I want a servant not a sex slave. I'm great at giving a purpose to someone who doesn't really know what they want to do with their life. I mentor with brutal honesty and love to humiliate boys and objectify women.

I'm always open to meeting people who love making Me the center of their attention. you can tag along with us on opening night of movies like Iron Man 2 and Resident Evil. I prefer people who giggle when someone else quotes Zapp Brannigan, people who like the original Iron Chef and Ninja Warrior, people who have a subscription to Wired magazine and read it cover to cover, people who like Microsoft more than Apple, people who like dogs more than cats, and people who would feel very natural calling Me 'Mistress' in public.

If you can give an UNQUALIFIED "YES" to all of the above you are a true slave and you can find a woman who will take you permanently.

Preparing your body goes beyond working out, but it's a good start. Just take care that it doesn't bleed into vanity. Many boys who work out regularly and get involved in competitive activities come to a Mistress with more goals than She may be willing to allow you to have. Take care that you remember why you started working out. It's easy to make your body your Master while you wait for a Mistress, but don't forget to give it up if She takes over your lease on it.

Think about how else you can prepare your body:

- hair removal. you don't have to keep your ball sack bald but you should know how to get it smooth if She requires it. you don't have to go for a Brazilian, but at least go and get your back waxed once so you are familiar with the experience and where to get it done and how much it costs. Learn about the discomfort of stubble and regrowth to get a better understanding of why a Mistress might require you to shave in the first place. Take the time to find other products besides razors and waxes that effetively remove your hair. I'm not saying that all women like a smooth boy, but I do know that you don't want to show up for a first date on the same night that you've discovered that you're allergic to Nair. If She requires it, be ready to oblige (or not). Know your limits on how much hair you're willing to remove. Take this time while no one is watching to play with your haircut. Take different pictures so that She can see what you look like in a military cut, a beard, or sideburns.

- pedicures. While you're at the salon, go ahead and get your toes done too. Good grooming makes a good impression, but more importantly, this is a good opportunity for you to learn how to give Her a pedicure. There's more to it than painting Someone's toenails. you need to understand about how to prevent ingrown toenails and how to keep the feet smooth too.

- douching. Assuming your ass is not a limit, you should know how to keep it cleaned out. Investing in a shower attachment and researching the proper foods to eat in the days prior to a scene (avoid the salad bar) will minimize the time between first meeting and first play. Many subs do not consider that when approaching someone long distance that the first visit may not culminate in a scene if a sub is so new to their own body that their ass has never been properly cleaned. She shouldn't have to spend the time teaching you how to clean yourself. Scat is a limit for a lot of subs. you think that Mistresses like it so much that you can keep a dirty hole?

- gear. Fetish wear is a big investment. Find something that looks good on you that you like wearing. Be prepared for your first night out. She will choose what you wear, of course, but give Her choices.

Learning skills or getting better at the things that come naturally to you is also a good outlet. Butler duties, cooking, finding the best cleaners to remove soap scum and blood. Pursuing a certification is also a good use of time - CPA, Paralegal, Personal Trainer, EMT, Massage Therapist, Landscape artist, Photography, hair stylist - these are all skills that a Mistress can use in Her house. Think of things that women pay someone else to do.

Journaling is My last piece of advice. It's not quite meditation, but I'm sure I speak for a lot of Masters and Mistresses when I say that a sub who can communicate clearly always jump to the front of Our attention spans.

For those of you who haven’t ever seen this, I still say that Einstein’s contract that he proposed to his wife is still the quintessential example of a great D/s contract. The first section outlines her minimum duties, the second section makes it clear what he is not willing to do for her, and the third section defines her limits for her. The last part talks about how she should behave in the presence of others. Simple. Perfect. For the record, she didn’t agree to it.

A.You will make sure
 1. that my clothes and laundry are kept in good order;
 2. that I will receive my three meals regularly in my room;
 3. that my bedroom and study are kept neat, and especially that my desk is left for my use only.
B. You will renounce all personal relations with me insofar as they are not completely necessary for social reasons. Specifically, you will forego
 1. my sitting at home with you;
 2. my going out of traveling with you.
C. You will obey the following points in your relations with me:
 1. you will not expect any intimacy from me, nor will you reproach me in any way;
 2. you will stop talking to me if I request it;
 3. you will leave my bedroom or study immediately without protest if I request it.
D. You will undertake not to belittle me in front of our children, either through words or behavior.

Five reasons why I use slashy speak:

* It does a really good job of filtering out most of the subs who like to have strong opinions and feel it's important that I listen to those opinions and factor them into My decisions for the house. By adhering to a protocol like this, I piss them off in My profile and don't even have to bother with them trying to communicate with Me. 

* If you can't do something so simple and stupid, imagine your reaction when I asked you to do anything that really stretched your physical limits. This gets rid of the rest of the riff raff who claim to be submissive but don't really like being told what to do. they can't seem to handle even the smallest amount of discomfort. Trust Me when I say, that this is the least of the sacrifices you will have to make. It's not about granting Me immediate respect. While I don't see anything wrong with that, I don't want a sub who is so bitter and resentful that they can't even go and get someone a drink in real life because that person is not their Master or Mistress.

* I was taught that as a writer and an artist, we are better able to break the rules of good grammar and still remain coherent in our communication. I am adamant about using caps because it allows Me to say something like Us vs. them in a post and have the readers immediately know that I am referring to Dominants vs. submissives. By using caps on personal pronouns, I am able to use more of the language to describe what I am trying to communicate. I do acknowledge that the slashes can be a bit distracting but I consider it the same as saying his or her in a sentence instead of excluding a gender for the sake of brevity.

* In English, we don't have formal pronouns... similar to Ud y tu in Spanish. So, I use caps to make up the difference. If Spanish was My native tongue, I certainly wouldn't allow a slave to use the familiar conjugations when referring to Me. 

* In forcing them to proofread, they are granted a second thought before they speak. I consider it a gift that I am giving to them. It's a bit demeaning, I admit, which reinforces the hierarchy I'm trying to establish.

Anyone who says they are into protocol typically has an expectation that the people contacting them as potentials have some basic understanding of how to speak to a Dominant without pissing Them off. It really IS the most important thing to a Master or Mistress who is into protocol and if you don’t get this right, they simply won’t talk to you. It’s just that simple.

*Practice expressing your wants and needs in the form of a question. you would no longer be allowed to say, "Sir, I have to go to the bathroom," you would have to word it as, "Sir, may I go to the bathroom?" When you make it into their service, they will let you know the things that you do not need permission to do in private or public, but as a general rule that crosses households, when in public, you do not leave Their side without permission.

*Don't express your feelings or opinions until asked. If you’re not asked, get okay with the fact that your feelings and opinions may not always be relevant.

This will be an excruciating lesson for some and I find that women struggle with this much more than men. If you want your opinions to be considered, you are at least an Alpha and may actually develop into a great Dominant someday. Keep an open mind on this point and communicate your suspicions to your Dominant. “Mistress, i spend a great deal of time holding my tongue and i am ashamed that i do not seem to be able to get fully behind a command You issue if I feel there is a better way to complete the task. Mistress, may i be gagged when You are instructing me on how You want things done until i am broken of interrupting You when you are speaking? May i journal My thoughts? i would never expect You to read them, of course, but it might help me to review how silly my ideas are and to stop thinking that I know better than You. Do you have any other ideas to help me? What else can I do to break myself of these independent habits?”

*Always compliment Her. When approaching (especially online), make it clear that you have been paying attention and observing Her from afar for quite some time and are very impressed by -insert what you’re sincerely impressed with here. Why are you approaching at all? Do you feel worthy of Her or are you simply hoping to worship Her? Treat this interaction as you would if you had the opportunity to get an autograph from a celebrity. Everyone loves them, that’s not new. Why do you love them? What specific thing has She done to earn your devotion to Her?

* Don’t contradict the Mistress. If the sky is green for Her today, then you must suspend your disbelief. If you function as comic relief for Her, then tread lightly. “That’s amazing, Mistress. Yesterday, it was blue and just now it has turned the color that You command. Is there anything in this universe You can’t control?” Even when She misquotes you and is chastising you, do not argue. She apparently heard you wrong which is your fault; not Hers (see next).

*Take responsibility for Her mistakes and misunderstandings. Even if She is wrong, return to number one in this list. Find a way to correct Her by asking a question. “I'm sorry to interrupt, Mistress, but did you want to turn left back there or should I be paying attention to this new way to get back to the house?” When She u-turns, follow it up with, “I’m sorry for distracting You, Mistress. Would you like Me to pay closer attention to the road for You?” And remember these moments when searching for gift ideas – an observant slave would present Her with a GPS at Christmas with a note that says, “So i can never get you lost again.”

* Don’t fight for the final word. When She says you may go and you respond, “Yes, Mistress,” and then She says, “Good night,” and then you say, “Good night, Mistress,” if She says anything else – shut up already. The same with texts and instant messages. you are dismissed. you do not wait for Her to “hang up” first. Go. Do as you are told.

* Just because She likes the same things you do, does not mean you are allowed to speak freely. In time, you will get really good at helping Her make decisions by presenting options that are favorable to you, “Mistress, would you like me to rub Your feet?” or “Mistress, You said you wanted to get out more. Do you feel like doing something like wings and trivia tonight?” But for as clever as you are at getting what you want out of Her, do not think it is ever acceptable to corner a Mistress with questions regarding decisions She has made or challenges to Her authority over the other members of the house. As in the second point, if She wants to talk about a particular topic, She will bring it up. If something is on your mind, then don’t ever try to begin a conversation with, “May I speak freely, Mistress?” My response to this questions is always, “After your bags are packed.” It's a fool who feels his or her service earns them the right to pick a fight.

* No self deprecation (aka stop saying you're sorry). The more you tell a Mistress you are unworthy, the more She starts to think you may be right. This point is a gray area for many scenes but I think you will find that most lifestyle D/sers agree that on a 24/7 basis, it becomes tiresome for a slave to apologize all the time. With each apology, our confidence in you is chipped away, and worse, this is a sign of a slave who tries to control in a passive-aggressive way. They get mad at themselves so that You console them instead of punish them and then they learn that You will pay more attention to them if they are a worthless pile of shit. This is very unhealthy behavior for both people and it’s a dysfunctional cycle we see all too often in D/s. Owning up and taking responsibility for missing the mark is possible to do without sacrificing your self esteem.

There should be no tears when you say, “Mistress, even after you showed Me how to properly handle and wash Your wine glasses, I still somehow managed to break another one today. Please, allow Me to go and purchase a new set for you to replace the ones I’ve broken and before you remove this task from My list of things to do, consider purchasing a plastic tub and rubber gloves and I will commit to practice this task more frequently – even on the days You do not drink a glass of wine.”

Every apology should be coupled with some attempt to make it right and an acknowledgement that the best punishment may simply be to take you off the task. In the end, that’s what slaves fear the most. That's the real issue, isn't it? you're terrified that you will no longer be allowed to serve, but throwing yourself at our mercy is an over reaction to that underlying fear. I’m not saying that can’t happen – that there isn’t a ‘final straw,’ but what I am saying is that if you don’t want to leave, then don’t ever give us that option to consider in your speech. It’s difficult to stop apologizing but if you are going to be successful, you are going to have to get out of that mindset. An apology has never unbroken a wine glass and I will be more angry if I come home to find a slave sobbing with a broken wine glass in their hands because they felt so bad that they couldn’t get anything else done after that. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. you screwed up. Again. So what? If you didn’t, you wouldn’t need a Mistress, but we can’t deal with something that you can’t handle. Good slaves focus on their strengths, they don’t obsess over their weaknesses.

My Old Guard Code of Ethics

* Show respect for those with more experience than you and defer to their wisdom.
* Do not disrespect an elder in the community or speak out against them publically.
* Make solemn commitments to maintain the reputation of your mentors and protect the virtue of your subordinates.
* Serve one another to ensure the integrity and preservation of everyone in your tribe.
* Apply discipline as a means to maintain order and obedience.
* Do not touch another person's property without their permission.
* Do not speak to another person's property without their permission.
* Ensure the placement of your slave is not in the way of another Top and that he/she is well groomed and silent during conversations.
* Adhere to a leather/levi/fetish dress code.
* Control yourself so as not to embarrass your mentors.
* It is your right to take control from any uncollared slave and your responsibility to preserve their life.
* Ensure your actions are consistent with your words.
* Strive to bring quality and ritual into each scene.
* Never participate in activities you have not been trained to control.
* Honor the privacy of your club members and never out them to the general public.
* Enforce standards that maintain exclusivity.
* Carry yourself with a confident attitude.
* Do not be ashamed of your pleasure.
* Explore your limits.
* Trust your brothers and sisters and earn their respect.

If you are only giving a part of yourself now, is your intent or desire to give completely someday? To whom? If you don't know who you are, then how will you recognize Her? Even if Mistresses shopped for subs like arts and crafts projects, She still starts with a preferred form - a naked baby doll, an unfinished box, a blank t-shirt, a blank canvas, or even a wire. Core fetishes are how we know what we are working with. I generalize cross-dressers because they have proven to be a predictable medium. Just like I could tell you generally how a canvas will behave when different types of paints are applied. It is not for the sub to choose watercolors or oils, but for the slave to know or estimate that they can endure the time and logistics of being painted. It would stand to reason that they continue to offer themselves as a canvas because they either like being painted or they like the attention they get once completed. If they try it and they don't like it, then perhaps they rework their form and put themselves on the shelf as something else - a styrophoam ball or a pillow. The point is that subs should have a general idea of who they are and what they are good while still being open to a Master's artistic license. Too many subs spend too much time telling the Master their favorite colors.

Real safety in a scene comes when a sub and a Mistress have worked together long enough that She can read your body language. The twitch of a muscle, the rythm of your breath, the temperature of your hands. In scene negotiations, you should be able to tell a Mistress about every mole on your body. you must know yourself to be of any use to a Mistress. you make Her work too hard if you are oblivious to your own identity. you may not see the sculpture inside, but the Mistress is looking for a block of stone. you will be hard pressed to find out what you can become if you do not take the time to know that you want to be worked with a chisel and a hammer. That you are a stone. What are you right now? Once painted, then it is for the Mistress to decide if She wants to take up pottery. At that time, you would have to decide if you are willing to be transformed into clay, but it is a very rare romance novel that claims a Mistress has ever walked by something that She didn't want and took it home and made it into something that She cherished. True, it is not for you to choose the colors but you offer yourself as something the Mistress likes to work with.  

There are some Mistresses who have the skill to work with raw materials and if they do, they will prepare you and release you because what they like to do is work with raw materials. They will never keep you. Perhaps that is your story to date? Worked and released? Do you never want to be finished? As a canvas, your preparation for a Mistress is to be worked and stretched on a frame. Just as a blank ceramic would be cast and fired. But that is not the ultimate goal - to be blank. Unless, of course, you are merely a player or a model in an artist's studio posing for any painter. That is a life, for sure, but it is not a lifestyle.

So, what is it that you want? Where are you right now? Do you need Someone who will make you into something that Someone else will want? Or do you want Someone who wants to work with you as you are? As you've already been prepared.

If you are thinking of the pleasure you get when you are doing something for Someone and not focusing on the pleasure She gets from having you do it, then you aren't ready for the later scenario. you merely like being worked and I would question whether you want this life or not. you are happy to people watch at the train station. you would get on a train if someone bought you a ticket but you'd negotiate a round trip so you could end up right back here - watching everyone else getting on and off the trains. Have you fooled yourself into believing that She will be here? That everyone must come through this hub or website or club meeting or bar? What if your Mistress never comes to this station? you must pick a direction and know that's where She is. you must have at least that much in common with Her to have any kind of beginning. you need to discover the fundamentals. 

Work through these questions if you want to start finding some answers. Many subs claim that they will be whatever the Mistress wants, but I contest that there are some core values and beliefs that most people have and never think about having to compromise. Here are the fundamental questions that every slave should have an initial answer to before they are ready to present themselves to a Mistress.

1. Monogomy or Polyamory? Do you truly want to be Her only one even if you are open to Her desires to be with more?
2. Pain? Even if you do not derive pleasure from pain, are you willing to endure it for Her pleasure? 
3. Marks? Do you crave the permanent mark of your Mistress even if it doesn't work out? Marks are badges of honor, not regrets. 
4. Collared? Would you go home to your mother with a padlock and chain around your neck? Do you need to be released from your collar each day to go to work?
5. Family? Do you still want to go home for Christmas or will you consider your Mistress your family? How much sway does your bloodline have over you? Do you want Her to allow you to have children with someone else? Are you willing to be a stud in Her stable or a milkmaid if Her desire is to have children?
6. Career? Do you want to be more than just Her slave when you grow up?
7. Sex? Do you presume that you would ever penetrate Her or make Her cum? Do you consider it a reward? A necessary evil? Would you hope for an occasional hooker or a long-term vanilla relationship?
8. Voting? Do you think that slaves should get to vote on things as they pertain to the House? Or to their own bodies? What if the Mistress wanted you to change jobs or genders? How much say do you think you should have? What are the limits of your consent?
9. Relocation? If the Mistress moves, will you follow Her anywhere?
10. Negotiations? Will you go willingly into every scene knowing you have the security of a safe word or do you need to say 'yes' or 'no' to every scene before you are touched? 

I was mentored as a Dominant in a time when men who had been diagnosed with AIDS sold everything they owned, cashed in their life insurance policies, and lived out their last days being a butler for friends who were kind enough to take them in. They were not a financial burden even after the 'cocktails' came out that would ultimately prolong their lives almost indefinitely. With their new lease on life, they were still invited to remain in the home based on how valuable they had been as a domestic helper. Triads of Daddy and boys became quite common and it soon was expected and sought after to have a third partner who remained at home and did not contribute any additional income to the house. This wasn’t the way it worked out for the remainder of Daddy’s days. As He got older, disabled, or retired, then the first boy would become the main provider, the second HIV+ boy would take on a minimum-wage job with a flexible schedule and both boys would begin dating with Daddy’s blessing. In this kind of house, control is passed down. When Daddy passed, the first boy would serve as the new Master of the house and another boy would join the family. Sometimes this worked. Often times it didn’t. Most boys, even if they are Alpha, don’t enjoy the role of being the main decision maker in the house. Perfect systems are hard to come by, but in the late 90’s the leather community saw a resurgence of the poly principles that were the foundation of Old Guard life in the 50’s. This is the culture I come from.

So, it is odd to Me that slaves and subs plan to keep their jobs after being placed in a home. Perhaps it is a basic form of self preservation. Maybe they don’t know that Masters like Me ensure that a slave can re-establish themselves in an apartment and with a car if an invitation to join the family permanently is not extended or accepted after the one-year contract expires. Also likely is the fact that they were not raised as I was in a gay house but instead are trying to make sense of BDSM culture after only knowing a broken, monogamous, blood family.

This does not mean that a slave doesn’t have natural talents or studied skills. The first thing I ask anyone who wishes to serve me is what they think their skillset brings to My house. What is it that they are doing that contributes more than money to a pile? I don’t need them to earn money as much as I need them to help Me become more successful by supporting My efforts and supplementing My knowledge base. The hardest thing I had to overcome before I identified as a Mistress was thinking that I didn't need anyone to be successful. From a lawyer and an accountant to a real estate agent and a cook. A good writer, a salesperson, and a tatoo artist each have a skill that I don't have and that I need. All the better if I don’t have to pay full price for the service and someone enjoys using their skill to fulfill My needs.  It took Me awhile to realize that doing everything all by Myself was exhausting, not satisfying. It’s a great gig for a ‘do me’ bottom, but no service-oriented person wants to feel like they don’t bring value to the house. If a sub needs to maintain a professional distinction or certification in order to practice, then that is possible, but I do not want a nurse to work long hours in the ER and I don’t want an accountant with too many clients at tax time. Perhaps I am old fashioned about who should make the money because I am a woman programmed by what I saw as a child that the head of household was always the one contributing the most financially to the household income. They were the ones who were served when they came home after a hard day’s work. Even if a woman was employed as a secretary or a teacher, she was still expected to prepare the meals for the family and perform her wifely duties. So, I still associate earning potential with power. Someone coming into My home making more than Me would not be an attractive offer unless they’d just cashed in their life insurance policy and were looking to live out their last days as My butler.

I was appalled when I learned about financial slavery. Don’t get Me wrong. I know people in successful Master/slave relationships where the sub makes more money than the Master, but I gotta be honest – I’ve only seen that in Male-dominated or same-sex houses, so I still have to wonder if even in BDSM, we suffer from a bit of a double standard when it comes to our expectations of male subs. How can we expect any gender slave to serve us in so many ways? I think that even for the most selfless, in a Female-dominated house, it is too easy for both people to resent the other and it is that much easier for the sub to feel as if they are not being appreciated.

Let Me put it another way. When I was a single Domme, I made a decent living doing work that I enjoyed. Then, I met My husband and I had someone else to take care of. Now I was motivated all of a sudden. As a Dominant, when someone worships you, it's easier to see Your value and it gives You the confidence and the balls to take some risks because You know that they're behind You. This is how I serve My house. I take care of the money so that you can take care of the rest. The difference between hiring a caterer and owning a cook is that I have to shop around for the right caterer who makes what I want to serve for a price that I'm willing to pay. When I own a cook, I make them learn to make the types of food that I like to eat and then develop them into someone who is confident that they can produce food for a party of people. you come to My house with an interest or a skill. you should be good enough to make money at it and be relieved when you don't have to.

Thank you for taking the time to read all the information you had available to you on this site. It is important that someone in My service is mature enough in their role as a submissive to be resourceful without being told. you will discover that I am a very busy professional woman, so each touch point with Me needs to count.

1. I give a lot of information in a very short amount of time and need someone to be able to take notes and process it later. Very similar to what Anne Hathaway's character has to learn to do in "The Devil Wears Prada."

2. I do not like to repeat Myself and need a house manager who is not so overwhelmed by My authority and confidence as the Mistress of the house that all they can do is worship Me and fumble over themselves. Someone who thinks it is enough to merely want to please Me rarely gets the job done correctly - it is experience, practice, and humility that are rewarded. A slave must come to Me with skills and the ability to learn on their own through classes, books, as well as in one-on-one lessons with Me.

3. I need someone who wants to make a difference and who strives to represent Me in a professional manner. That is why slaves serve in a uniform and not in the nude. In the same way, I am able to humiliate My boys just fine without the use of forced feminization or forced bi. Cross dressing is not acceptable in My house - no exceptions, so search yourself before becoming a candidate.

4. I am looking for someone who is not just doing whatever they need to do to get laid or hit. Service is its own reward and it is selfish for a slave to require anything more of Me. Scenes happen as I find the time and the energy and the more effective a slave is at taking on tasks for Me, the more time and energy I will have but to set a realistic expectation for anyone entering into My house - the D/s aspect of the relationship needs to be enough for them. My dominance should feed them and submission really must be a hunger that they feel physically in the pit of their stomach. Serving Me is the choice they make but being of service should be an involuntary reaction they have in most situations - helping someone to clean up after a party, never arriving as a guest without a small gift or card, remembering people's names and special days, cataloging business cards for future reference, etc.

5. The ultimate goal would be for a house manager to take over as My professional assistant - so do some thorough internet research and discover the various channels that I use to communicate - youtube and twitter, my blog, facebook, my corporate website, amazon, flickr, iTunes podcast, and LinkedIn. I need more time to write My next book and I need someone who can plan My business travel and stay on top of submitting calls for papers to speak at conventions. More importantly, I need someone to travel with Me and carry My bags. 

6. My needs are immediate and I am impatient but that does not mean that I expect someone to move in right away. It is typically more appropriate for candidates to have their own place. Sadly, that also means that subs tend to want too much of a life outside of My house and outside of My control. That will not be acceptable to Me. I decide where you live, approve outside friendships and sexual relationships, and expect you to participate in My social circle - both lifestyle and vanilla.

7. Minimum duties will include - grocery shopping, doing laundry, cooking, taking Me to the gym, hiring a maid if you don't want to clean, internet research for the book and setting up interviews with people I need to talk to, ghostwriting for My business twitter account, managing personal correspondence and gift giving, organizing My home office, buying furniture for the slave's quarters, decorating the house, gardening, etc.

Let Me know if you would still like to be considered for this role and I will respond with a general overview of My schedule, a timeline for relocation, and insight into My protocols (contract, uniform, and positions). I will also set up a time to validate identities via webcam and possible questions I would ask in a phone interview.

Mistress

I see this phrase quite a bit out in the online world of BDSM matchmaking, "Not your typical doormat sub here." Perhaps you'll recognize these lines, "I have a brain and I'm not afraid to use it" or "I have a wild streak and I need someone to keep me in line." In poly households, there is typically a power struggle between the Dominant and the Alpha with regards to the proper care and treatment of the betas. Some Alphas think that the Dominant is doing it wrong and they shame that big brain of theirs by being hateful and petty and calling the betas, "doormats."

The Dominant has to take responsibility here. They knew what they were getting into when they took on an Alpha. It does take one helluva Dominant (and sometimes a Dominant couple) with an energy level that I just can't seem to muster up to keep an Alpha human sub in check. It is exhausting. Putting an Alpha in a protocol position is like standing a child in the corner. The betas respond to spanking quite nicely, but the Alphas turn around and say shit like, "Is that all You've got?"

In order to keep an Alpha happy, you have to say "no" a lot and "yes" every once in awhile. With a beta, you just say "no" once and they'll never ask for anything again. I’m not looking for someone who can help Me do things better (the Alpha’s tendency). I’d much rather have a slave who will just do what I say without arguing all the time (the beta).

First of all, I don't want My friends to be annoyed by My sub and avoid hanging around Me because they just can't stand an Alpha’s loud mouth. I do what I must to train them to behave and submit around others. They are instructed to submit to those that are close to Me but do not have to say Sir to some stranger in the bathroom trying to grope them - bark when it is appropriate and submit when I tell you to.

Now enter into the equation the doormat dog (aka, the beta). Theirs is a life with no memory or forethought of the consequences. they just want to play and be loved. they don't like the consequences of their wrong actions. An Alpha just has to be placed into submission, but you have to beat the hell out of a beta and yell and cuss and make them wet themself before they get the message. That takes a lot of energy all at once. An Alpha takes a little energy over a longer period of time. You cannot treat these two types of subs the same way and perhaps You prefer one type of energy over the other and that is why You have made Your choice to have the sub that You have.

But what I'm noticing in the sub world, and perhaps it is a result of Dominants only taking on one submissive, is that there is this tendency of Alpha subs to demean the betas by calling them doormats. It is hate speech, plain and simple and I won't tolerate it. I respect the role of the Alpha sub but I hate that he or she always feels like they're better than every other sub in the house. I once released a girl because she decided that she could be My one and only slave and worked very hard to undermine the boy in the house by treating him as inferior, not acknowledging his presence, and then trying to shame Me by saying that I treated him like a doormat. you may express your opinion, but you are never allowed to challenge My Dominance in this house.

I choose the subs in the house and I cannot choose a sub who decides that his or her service is at a higher level or brings more value because "they have a brain." An alpha sub is there to assist Me and ensure that My tasks are completed to My specifications. They are not there to take over or decide who brings value into My  house or how the other subs should be treated by Me. And they should NEVER dare to assume My role as the Dominant by treating them as inferior subs. I understand that being assertive and choosing servitude is a difficult path, but consider that there truly are people on a sliding scale of submission who can live no other way.

An Alpha is typically independent, confident, and happy with a part-time Mistress and lover, which is what makes the beta a perfectly viable slave - because they cannot do all those things for themselves. It seems very easy to be a Dominant around a beta until You realize that they really can't think of a single place they'd like to eat tonight. The beta cares so much about what their Mistress thinks that they wouldn't dare make a decision for Her. they want to know what She would have them wear so that her first reaction when She arrives to greet them is to smile and compliment them. It would make them physically ill if their Mistress looked at them and told them to turn around and go change because they were not presentable. They would rather serve in chastity than to share their body with another. If the Mistress will not have them, they do not even feel worthy enough to pleasure themselves or have sexual thoughts about the Mistress. you think the independent living of an Alpha is rough - take a walk in the beta's shoes. Their entire universe revolves around the words, "good boy."

That does not make them a weaker sub and it is offensive to Me for anyone to say so. Respecting Me means that you respect all those who I choose to represent My house. To call anyone a doormat is unacceptable - no matter what your personal definition is. Just because it is not the path that you walk does not mean it is a demeaning life. When the Alpha is allowed to go off and finish school or have a career, the Mistress still needs a beta at home to tend to Her needs.

The older I get, the less patience I have with all kinds of people.

People who expect to have vanilla relationships with their children in spite of their perversions - these are the equivalent of 'weekend warriors' to Me. Like young guys who buy a custom chopper just to ride it up and down the street on a sunny day with no helmet on. Don't get Me wrong, I have met many capable Mistress moms who have done a great balancing act while raising their kids but there's a certain age of reckoning when it's okay to be 'weird' to your kids. I'm not saying you have to be out about a bunch of stuff, but you are different and they're gonna notice - whether it be the way you dress, the tattoos and piercings you choose to have, or the 'panic room' that no one is allowed into - you're the cool, hip mom. I'm okay with that.

It's the couples who are convinced that absolute secrecy is going to keep their kids out of therapy that I don't get. This is a level of dishonesty that goes way beyond Santa Claus and The Tooth Fairy. You are a middle-aged person with kids who have kids of their own and you still can't fess up to your lifestyle? I'm not sure you get to call yourself Dominant when you can't even have an honest relationship with your adult children.

Adult children who expect to have vanilla relationships with their parents in spite of their pervisions - you think you didn't come by this shit honestly? I'm not saying that every kinky person has a mom with a flog, but I'm just about convinced that people get depressed when they are suppressed. How are you going to be of any use to someone else in this lifestyle when you don't make your slave call you 'Mistress' in front of all the company you keep? You are a big reason why this next generation of subs and Doms do not look around and see role models. We have a culture of people that is constantly reinventing the wheel because people who should be mentoring are voluntarily suppressing themselves. It's like they surround themselves with the people they really want to be. As if who they are is a horrible, unclean monster of a thing that brings them no pride... only shame, and there is some sort of cleansing power in pretending that you identify with soccer moms and are interested in their kinky stories of trying the new KY lubricant. subs, please... run far, far away from Masters who are submissive to their family. you will always be let go after they've done something particulary dirty to you. They're like vampires disgusted by the act of feeding. If your hope is to be drained and changed, they will always stop short of satisfying themselves.

So, really, it all comes down to self loathing, doesn't it? you admit that you have perversions and therefore you insist that you are perverse and must remain hidden from people who are never going to accept for who you really are. What makes them so much better than you anyway? You feel more powerful acting like you're better than your depressed brother or alcoholic mother? Did you ever stop to think that maybe they're suppressed about their own shit too and that what really might end up healing all of you is a bit more honesty? The only reason it's called a scandal is because most people aren't caught doing it. I say we all come out about before getting caught. It's the shame that gets you fired.

I'm not saying you have to be vulgar... treat the topic as you would with a child or a sensitive co-worker. I wouldn't use the term slave at the office but if that person is trusted enough to come into My house, then they are going to find witch books on the shelf right next to the leathersex books and computer manuals. This is still only one piece of who you are, but by not sharing it with your closest friends and family, you are perpetuating the sense that there is a piece of yourself that is unworthy. If you are not accepted by others for everything that you are, then you have surrounded yourself with people who are poison to you. I can respect someone who doesn't bring up S&M in every converstation as long as it's not a conversation they would avoid and they are not leaving their slave at home because they don't know what to do with them in public. Gah... or worse, they are living as a vanilla couple outside of the home.

Unless you were a gay, military man returning from service in World War II, you are not old guard. At best, perhaps, you are a second or third generation of this history if you were trained by someone from that original lineage but more likely, if you identify as old guard, you merely ascribe to a select set of principles based on a mythology of how it all started. When I say that I am an old guard Mistress, this is what I mean. I was, in fact, trained by gay men but they were not first generation old guard. Defining as a woman, it is an honor to be considered by the community as one of these elite but the distinction does not carry the same honor that it did even 10 years ago. It seems that more and more, slaves are ruling the dungeon and new Masters who do not come from these same traditions have been given a negative impression of what old guard was by slaves who have only heard ghost stories passed down like the telephone game from older slaves.

The principles that I ascribe to are ones that place a heavy emphasis on protocol, routine, and the prerogative of the Master. Over time, BDSM society has adapted to be more slave-aware with the inclusion of a drug-free scene space and safe words. Old guard practitioners embraced these changes, while still keeping the heart of the matter which is that an old guard Master expects to rule with an almost divine authority. Terms like worship are not uncommon and it is an unforgivable sin to challenge the authority of the Master in public or private. If you search the original books from the 70’s, you’ll see references to their omnipotence. In fact, this created a bit of a backlash in the mid-90’s as Masters began to open up for the first time at conventions and in educational seminars that they were fallible and that acting as if they were always right all the time was creating a generation of Masters who were not being honest about their training as players. I know of several cases throughout the nation at that time that resulted in the death and injury of slaves – suffocated in a web of bondage ropes or the permanent loss of feeling in their hands. It was a horrible time in the community and many old guard Masters went on full red alert trying to protect unattached slaves from inexperienced players. NLA:International took a public stand against domestic violence and most leather clubs distanced themselves from old guard principles all together. A new generation was born called the New Guard.

In the end, it was generally assumed that absolute power corrupts absolutely. And so, old guard Masters were no longer pursued by slaves, most of them retreated back to their country homes and stopped coming out into the bars. All Masters were considered incompetent until proven worthy. Safe calls were put into place and references were checked – it seemed that this new world promised to be perfect. In reality, all that happened was that slaves became our new overlords and D/s died. And so did old guard. Old guard is a BDSM household built on a firm foundation of D/s. Without it, the BDSM for an old guard Master is shallow and lacks any real excitement. Now, Tops are merely at the service of what a bottom tells them to do. I’ve met a number of Mistresses recently who were never interested in BDSM until their sub boyfriend or husband turned them on to it. They admit that they are learning their craft under the tutelage of their slave. I hold nothing against these people as individuals, I’d just very much like to not be lumped into the same category as them. I come from a long, proud line of Masters. To Me, it’s the difference between serving in the military using a rifle to defend your country versus any schmooze who can pass a background check and buy a gun after waiting five days.

And so, here we are - in a BDSM world with absent patriarchs. True, it would fall to people like Me to train up the next generation of leaders but we are constantly reminded that the slave-centered BDSM world doesn’t appreciate our protocols and certainly doesn’t believe that someone deserves a moniker until they have jumped through an obstacle course of tests designed by slaves. Old guard Masters don’t take tests. So, sometimes I see journal entries from people who say that someone wasn’t who they said they were. I wonder if in fact, that person just wasn’t willing to play a silly, little slave game to prove it to you. Taking this world online and adding the complications of distance make it highly improbable for someone to take the risk necessary to be placed in an Old Guard Master’s home. For most, it is only a fantasy to have a Master come into their house and tag what they are allowed to pack and what must be sold or stored before committing to train for a year. The desire of some slaves to ultimately surrender complete control seems impossible in a world where few can support a slave without them having to work outside the home and where predators lurk behind every IP address.

Definitions of abuse walk a fine line next to the rules of D/s – access to family is cut off and training is patterned after boot camp – complete with hazing and verbal assaults. Keep in mind that old guard traditions were formed in a world where families turned their backs on their gay sons. New families were formed based on hierarchy and privilege to replace the loss of blood ties that were broken. These were military men who were reenacting recent memories of service and saw the benefit of these roles on the battlefield. Some would argue that because this generation has not seen the devastation of human loss in conflict, there is no place for D/s. Now that the AIDS epidemic does not result in immediate loss of life of hundreds around us in short span of time, there is no need for this BDSM society to latch onto rules that help us cope and keep the world in a state of black and white. In the end, old guard was just how generations of gay leatherfolk held on with both hands to people who were going through the same loss. As gay people struggle to fit into a monogamous world, they coupled off and abandoned the concept of triads and family. Add to that the fact that straight people began playing with no concept of protocol or community history. So, a slave these days expects to be the only one in the house and have full access to the Master. We've fallen a long way, baby.

For some of us, we still use terms like property and poly to describe that a slave for us harkens back to ancient times. We too have adapted our style to allow the slave more autonomy but make no mistake that there is no authority they could possibly wield in a one-slave house. Old guard by its very definition would assume a family of subs and slaves. I have heard several slaves say to Me recently that there are very few true Dominants in the world. I would go so far as to suggest that they are talking about the few remaining old guard dominants left in this world. But it puts us in a very difficult position to take on slaves who only know of our lifestyle through porn they rent in hotel rooms, swingers bars and Anne Rice fiction. Even if they are active in munches, the emphasis is on pairing off to play at an upcoming party without the benefit of rituals associated with cruising. So, while I refuse to compromise my position as an old guard Mistress, I hate that any resurgence of My traditional lifestyle would leave an opening for predators, and so I will most likely be forced to live this life with only a memory of My former glory – back when Masters first began to balance their godlike tendencies with an acknowledgement of their own humanity. When slaves approached with head bowed instead of with a litany of questions focused on how the Master was prepared to accommodate the slave. I see some of you out there with the right heart for an old guard life. I know you’re scared but just as the first slave stood on the porch in Fight Club – a Master that wants you to stay will tell you what you are to do to succeed. That is, if you are able to do as you are told without question. If you want to learn more about old guard, read the works of the following authors:
·       Larry Townsend
·       V.M. Johnson
·       Vincent L. Andrews
·       Guy Baldwin
·       Jack Rinella

If my dogs want to go out for a walk, they must obey the rules. They must not pull on the leash. They must behave. There are plenty of times when they get to play – My husband wrestles with them but they know they must never get so excited that they forget themselves with Me. There is no biting Mama. This is protocol. An established set of rules that are always present and that define appropriate behavior and interaction with the Mistress of the house. 

Some slaves try to complicate protocol by saying it’s different for everyone and while I agree that different Masters recognize different things as inappropriate, for the most part, most protocol people have rules around speech, stance, and dress, so these are the things that a slave who is new to protocol should focus on.

Think of protocol like obedience training. Some Masters stop at positions – sit, stay, speak – the fundamental things a slave needs to obey in order to allow the Master to keep the scene safe. People who claim that they aren’t into protocol aren’t into D/s as far as I’m concerned - that doesn't mean that I don't respect them as SM players - it just means that I have always considered BDSM a separate set of skills and interests than D/s. So, for those who say they are not into protocol, I find it hard to consider them Masters at all - perhaps a title like handler is more appropriate because how can you call yourself a Master of a slave who does not come when they are called?

This is why titles and honorifics mean so much to people who are into protocol. How you treat your partners defines who you are - your rank in a community of leatherfolk is based in large part on the references and eye witness accounts of others who have seen you in public over the years. Just as I feel sorry when I see a couple walking down the street trying to control their crazy dogs who have been taught that it’s okay to sniff everything, I am not impressed with a Master whose drink is empty while his chatty slave is making out with someone else in the bathroom.

When interviewing a candidate who has never been on a metaphoric leash before, I have no problem stopping each time they pull or test My boundaries. I have every confidence that I can train them to behave. I don’t mind. But it is interesting to Me how many slaves love to pull so much that they are not willing to try it a different way. They are so excited to be out in the scene that they want to scan the neighborhood for every piss stain and poop pile. They are living through their nose and they are not focused on the Master. It’s just a test of My will at that point. Do you really want Me to let you go? To release My hold on you so you can cross the street in front of a car? Of course not. But I know that’s what some lesser experienced Masters have done. They’ve just let you go and left it to you to return when you’re exhausted. That’s not the kind of Mistress that I am. I will not risk your life. you will behave. So, how I show you that I am qualified to lead you is to teach you protocol. Walking on a leash is fundamental but few slaves do it well.

There is a difference between being submissive and being passive. I have no patience for passive people. I have no use for someone who agrees with whoever will lead them down the path of least resistance, slaves who cower when they sense conflict. And conflict is not the same thing as fighting, back talking, sassing, or arguing. Conflict, while it can lead to an argument, is merely an admission that something in the picture doesn’t fit. It is a valuable submissive who notices a Mistress’ inconsistency. “Mistress, I notice that you require the chrome to shine on the faucets in the bathrooms but you are lenient when I do not shine the kitchen sink. Am I cleaning the kitchen sink to your specification or do you need it to be better?” A passive submissive hangs on each command and does not think any further about the task – a shallow servant – who does not develop themselves beyond the imagination of their Master. I’m not saying there isn’t merit in this type of slave, I am simply saying that there is another way.

If you learn how to properly speak to your Mistress, to ask questions that allow Her to choose your path, you show that you are a contributing member in your training curriculum. A sub once told Me when I asked them where they felt like going out to dinner that eating bad food would be better than being forced to make a decision for Me. Because if I do not enjoy the meal, they would be devastated. I understand that line of thought, still, it is a passive response. I worked with them to understand that from My perspective, I have spent all day making decisions and I am tired and I just need some help making the decision. Just because you do all the chores does not mean that you are doing all the work. Right now, I can’t name a single restaurant within the general vicinity of the house and I’m tired and I’m hungry and I’m cranky and I need food immediately. I explained that as a submissive, it is okay to know My options. Why not use your keen powers of observation of what I like and what I don’t? You remember that I enjoyed the Mongolian BBQ place a few months ago and that sometimes I feel like a margarita at the Mexican place on the corner. Why not remind Me that I keep saying I want to try that new Japanese place. “Is tonight the night to do that, Mistress?”

An invaluable slave uses all the information they have to please their Mistress and becoming part of the dialog does not mean that you are making a decision, it means you know how to ask questions. You give Me options and I am the one who ultimately decides, but let’s face it - if I don’t enjoy My meal, I’m still going to blame you.

Why do we cut off our slaves from their family during training? How many times have you heard abuse defined as a controlling partner that cuts their spouse off from their family and friends? Is it abusive to sequester someone from their support system? Absolutely not.

The best thing you can do for anyone is teach them to make their own decisions. Most submissives come into your home after years of doing what everyone else has told them to do. They typically have no idea how to communicate what they really want to anyone because they have suppressed themselves to make others happy their entire lives.

Consider the influence your family has on your decisions. Did you have a mother that begged for grandchildren? Regardless of the joy your children bring to you, do you ever wonder if you would have made a different choice - either to not have children or to wait - had you not had the influence of your family? What of the college you chose? So many parents spend our childhood years feeding us their own fandom. Think of the sports teams you root for and the political party you belong to. How much of what you believe is dictated by the opinions of your family?

So many times I hear people say that they are grateful for the close relationship they have with their family. I wonder how close they would be if they ever dared disagree with dear ol' dad? Or let their mother know that they smoke? Think of all the things we hide from our families out of "respect" for them. In the leather community we prescribe to a family by choice. Some people in this lifestyle may come into it to break a cycle of abuse. Don't misunderstand, people that are not into leather have abuse issues too, and when it comes to breaking an abusive cycle, feel free to mix and match all your options like therapy, volunteering and church. I'm just saying that some find comfort in the routine and the roles of a Dominant/submissive relationship. A place to not only belong but to know where they stand. A leather family is a safe place to have an honest relationship. For some people, this is their first time to do that.

I'm not saying that people in the leather community are here because they are abused, I'm saying that in the leather community unlike other places people deal with their dysfunction, we acknowledge that space just might be the answer. That a gathering of like-minded individuals carries more sanity and power than the belief that we must be good and mindful children of our blood family.

So, while we train to be Masters and slaves, it is common for us to take a break from our roles as sons and daughters and mothers and fathers and even as church members. Part of becoming a Master means that you are a slave to no one. That does not mean that you will not go and care for your ailing mother, it just means that as a Master, you would no longer be consumed by the obligation. And isn't it better to tend to someone because you want to be there and not because you have to be there? How many of us are not living in honest relationships with our own parents?

So, yes... I have distanced myself from my mother at different intervals in my life in an effort to ensure that I am living my own life and not the life that she wanted for herself. To be a good daughter, I must support her in accomplishing her own dreams, and it would be selfish of me to take them from her and claim them as my own. But this is difficult for a submissive girl who excels when she is being told what to do. When was the last time your mother asked you what you wanted to do with your life? Training is the perfect opportunity for a girl to release herself from the desires of her family and friends and find her own path.

It is common for Masters to send their slaves to train with others to gain such a perspective and to ensure that they are not limiting their slaves' potential because of their own limitations. This time away from family and friends makes them better sons and daughters because they are able to rise above the whirlpool of opinion and have real discussions on how they feel about real issues. Perhaps they go back and are able to cheer for the home team with a fervor and delight they did not have before. It's not about teaching them to make different decisions just to be contrary; it's about teaching them that agreement should never come from a fear of conflict but from a mutual passion.

I see pics of people in sub positions presenting a toy to the camera. This is weird for Me as I've never allowed My subs to handle My weapons. So, there are at least two distinct differences in My style. The first is that I call My toys weapons. Perhaps that's a statement on how hard I play but it's mostly just a reminder to everyone in My social circle that these things can cause real damage and to give these implements the respect that is warranted. I've had years of training on each thing in My 'toy' box. Granted, it's not the most high-tech - mostly just percussion and bondage but I have had years of training on each weapon and know them all intimately as if they were extensions of My own hands.

The second difference may be an old guard or regional thing - while boys may have their own leather to wear to the bar, it still is not common in the Houston gay scene for boys to wear toys unless they have earned them. For example, I have a rule that if a sub bleeds, then they get to keep the flog. I'm not interested in giving away My entire arsenal so this is a bit of a guarantee to people that I do not intend to mark them or make them bleed. However, I did have one amazing pig whom I played for years and after a very long scene, he did in fact bleed. I promptly administered first aid and told him that if he continued to bleed, the scene would be over. I swear the wound clotted out of his sheer will alone. When the scene ended, I presented him with the flog that opened him up and he wore that proudly on his right hip from that moment on.

Stories like that aren't possible if any sub is allowed to touch any toy in My bag. I've mellowed a bit over the years and do in fact allow My boys and girls to carry My bag now, but I still would not ever have a sub present Me with a toy as I see in these pics. To Me, this is an indication of their control over the scene. Some would probably consider it consent, but I disagree - if the Dominant didn't tell them to go get the toy, then the sub is begging as a dog would for a walk - that is unacceptable to Me for the sub to control the time, place, and weapon for playtime. More likely, the top told the sub to go get the toy and present it to Him or Her and doing what you're told to do is not My definition of consent. The whole thing bothers Me - not to the point that I won't talk to someone who has that kind of picture but boys who have their own toys that they haven't earned and perhaps have never been used on them bother Me. It's a sign of play desperation and does not indicate a real commitment to D/s. For example, I understand if a Dominant has taken that picture of you but I don’t like that you’re sharing such a sacred moment on the internet. There’s really no way to win with Me on this.

Pics of weapons that you have made are fine but is weapon making a viable hobby for an unpaired slave? If We allow boys to make our toys then they are not making them to suit Our needs but theirs. Unless I choose the materials and it is fitted to Me and I have commissioned it, then I do not want something that a boy has made for the next Domme that comes along. you may lay those things at My feet as gifts but it says something negative in My eyes about subs who already have a particular idea about the weapons they want used on them. Why would you present a weapon to a Master without knowing whether or not they are trained and experienced with it? It seems very unsafe to Me that you want so badly to be hit that you pay no attention to how bad that scene could go. When subs control the scene, a good Dominant is always forced to hold back. That's not My scene at all.

One of the things that I hate hearing is that protocol is just good manners. True, being polite is always safe but it is merely a starting point. Protocol is also honoring schedule, ritual and tradition. It’s the difference between offering someone something to drink when they come over to your house (polite) and serving them a formal meal after washing their feet knowing that you are not allowed to eat until after their boots are polished and even then, you would be grateful to receive scraps from Their plate (protocol).

There is no high praise from the Master for the protocol slave. One Master I know once said that the only thanks the slave receives for cooking and serving a meal is that the plate is not thrown back at them – if He eats the meal, then that is the slave’s reward. Protocol is learned over years of diligent service and if you are wired for this level of service, then it is not our desire to make this an untouchable goal. Protocol Masters do not expect that you would perform at this level immediately but We do look for signs that you are willing to learn, take correction with joy, serve with humility, and can’t help but to smile with head bowed when you know you have pleased Us.

Most people call these kinds of slaves ‘doormats,’ which is a gross misinterpretation of the role they play in the family. As a cherished protocol slave, you are granted countless opportunities to be with the Masters of the house and are fully integrated into their social and professional lives as a trusted assistant and invaluable resource. The Master does not compliment you as a balance of the high praise you receive everyday from the Master’s friends. Everyone is jealous of Him or Her and you know it is because they have you. To serve at this level and to earn a rank in the house is the most satisfying feeling a slave will ever know.

So, for those who do not know what protocol is or have only heard bad things about it, simply put, polite is doing what you know is right in a situation (opening a door, walking behind the Top, saying Sir and Ma'am) but it is still acting at your own discretion and under your own volition. Protocol is all about patiently waiting to be told what is the right thing to do and then learning over time and gaining the confidence to behave the RIGHT way in any given situation. The punishments are far greater in a protocol house. There is little mercy for misreading the mind of a Dominant because it shows your insolence at trying to think for Them and control the outcome of a situation. your actions become a habit of rote memorization and may not be the natural thing to do (perhaps She prefers to drive, open the door, or use two dryer sheets instead of one). you do as you are told and act as the Top wants you to until such time as you establish that you can be trusted to move correctly without direction.

Here is something that a friend of mine and I put together to help new bottoms or subs survive in a scene with a protocol Dominant. Remember that polite is the minimum requirement and to be kept, a slave must quickly build from there.

Polite - Being considerate (saying Sir or Ma’am), paying attention to your partner's pleasure. Informing your Top about any prior safe call arrangements. Respecting your partner's concerns about safety and comfort (wearing a condom).  Cleaning up after yourself afterwards. Offering to help clean up your partner afterwards. Stopping if asked to stop. Leaving if asked to leave. Remaining polite and civil no matter what. Turning your cell phone to vibrate or voicemail beforehand. Preparing ahead: bringing a toothbrush, bringing along a package of foam earplugs for the Top if you know that you snore.

Protocol - Expecting that a Safe Term will be established, whether it's a Safe Word, a Safe Sign to be used in bondage or silence (for example: a series of short-long exhalations), or a Safe System for pain play (for example: "green, yellow, red"). Communicating with the Top in accordance with the Safe Term prior to flagging out of a scene – for example, don’t wait until ‘red’ before you say anything about your pain threshold. A protocol bottom finds a way to play as long as the Top requires. Remembering that you're there to service the Top until the Top releases you from service and not beforehand.

Striving - with the exception of not doing anything to endanger your own health or that of another's - to follow and comply with all of a Top's commands and pay close attention to the Top's instructions. This means not drifting too far into subspace on your own but waiting for the Top to lead you down. Remembering to make the Top's pleasure your focus.  Serving the Top, receiving the Top's attentions with humility, understanding that whether or not you are sexually satisfied or whether you come is entirely up to the Top's discretion. If the Top does decide to allow you to come, being astoundingly grateful. Under the Top's direction, cleaning up yourself, the Top, and the playspace afterwards. Understanding that being invited to sleep in a bed off of the floor is a privilege, not a right.

Unacceptable - Playing drunk or drugged. Passing out. Focusing on your own pleasure, and ignoring your partner's pleasure. Whining for or demanding a sexual service that your partner is uncomfortable or unwilling to do.  Ending play after you've come.  Not cleaning up after yourself afterwards, not offering to help clean up your partner and your playspace afterwards. Falling asleep right afterwards.

Not stopping or leaving when asked to do so. Losing your temper. Making a mess. Opening closed doors and cabinets and refrigerators without asking first. Eating food afterwards without being invited to do so. Taking a cell phone call, texting, or making a call in the Master's presence.

As we interview subs for service, I've come up with a baseball analogy. Is it better to play the game or have the right players on the team? Meaning that if D/s is your passion, then you may find yourself in a situation where you are playing the game but do you have what it takes to be a member of a professional team? Just because you want this lifestyle does not mean you are capable of performing at this level. I'm not interested in training someone from little league status and I don't have time for people who are convinced that they can play every position on the field.

As a member of a poly house, it is better to specialize in one area - to play one position - and you shouldn't come into My house without knowing where you belong. Everyone should have the fundamentals - respect for protocol, attention to detail, desire to serve, and humility. This seems to be the hardest thing for people with prior experience. The showboat attitude that because they've played ball before, they don't need a coach to learn how to play on a new team. your experience is merely a foundation for a Mistress to build on. you may be good at first base but you have to come to someone like Me with the desire to be better - with the knowledge that you can't excel beyond your current skillset without serving an exceptional Mistress who requires the best. you are driven by your passion for the game to the point of submission.

And submission does not begin when you walk in My door. submission is an act of laying everything in your life down at Her feet. What you have in your personal life is merely what you've done to keep you busy and sane in the absence of a Mistress. you have no desire to keep any of it if it does not serve the Mistress. How else will you have time to train and to learn if you are not willing to make room in your busy schedule? Do you want to play the game or do you want to be the best?

What is an open relationship? By using the word open, aren’t you indicating that you are being honest with your partner about seeing other people? But in my experience, that is where the honesty stops. There is also the added assumption that after the agreement is made to sleep with other people that there will never be any more talk of your partner’s affairs and that you both enter into the agreement with the promise that ‘it’s only sex/play’ and you will never love anyone else. Is an open relationship merely permission from our partner to sleep around safely? As a kind of bookmark in a book to hold our place in this relationship while we go read something else more interesting? Why on Earth would monogamous people need to do that? In my opinion, open relationships are a sign of poly tendencies by whomever it was that suggested the open relationship in the first place.

Often times the other partner is monogamous and merely goes along with the open agreement in an effort to keep their primary partner. They either do not follow through with seeing other people or perhaps only try to see another person out of spite. This is a recipe for disaster and all poly activities should cease immediately in an effort to save this relationship – if your mono partner is not good with you being poly and you want to keep them, then you have to give up poly. Period. And this is the crux of the problem. Can poly people be happy with a monogamous partner? I think so. For example, if the poly partner travels on business and the monogamous partner is happy to pursue a hobby or interest their mate doesn’t share during their nights off from them, then they could go for years in an open relationship as long as the poly person acknowledges that the mono partner comes first. This is the definition of an open relationship that I see most often, when special care is taken by the poly partner to minimize feelings of jealousy or inadequacy the monogamous partner might feel if they were privy to their partner’s activities. So, it’s an agreement that the mono partner won’t ask questions so the poly partner doesn’t have to lie.

But what happens when the poly person finds another partner? Heartbreak. This scenario is the theme of many a C&W or R&B song. As a poly household, we have room for both members of a couple, but it seems that most men with girlfriends want to keep their escapades with a Mistress separate from their primary relationship. In reducing the risk that they will lose their primary partner, they jeopardize both relationships. For those of you who indicate that you are looking for a poly household, be sure your partner is willing to follow you wherever you go. A poly Master or Mistress will most likely insist on being the primary relationship to both of you and blessing your union inside of the house. It is rare that you will find the head of a poly house willing to serve the needs of your mono relationship and it is cruel for everyone involved to lead them on in that way. If you truly love someone who is monogamous, then you love them because they are monogamous. As a poly, that can work but it takes a high level of communication with your mono partner to ensure that their feelings come first.

This is why it is common to see a Dom/sub couple take on a third but most of them will acknowledge that it is a challenge to maintain anything less than a triad in time. To be successful, each member comes to love the other members and the concept of a primary relationship eventually falls away. But the road to that place can be very tough as the Dom balances the needs of both subs and the subs fight for rank and position with the dominant. It is hardest for the third as they are forced to live in the shadow and perimeter of the primary relationship until it clicks with their fellow sub. What keeps it together is a dominant who understands that the focus of the house must be on the dominant and that the subs have to come together under the interests of one member of the house – the head of household. Perhaps it is easier when two poly couples come together in a BDSM house but again, if you have one or more members playing along to suit the needs of their mate, then there will be complications if the entire house is not unified under the vision of the strongest member of the house.

Poly is not for the faint of heart. It takes a high level of maturity, emotional fortitude, and an unwavering need to be true to oneself to develop a lifelong commitment with more than one person. If all you want is a sex/play partner on the side, then you are not seeking a poly lifestyle. If you require discretion and privacy, then you already have two strikes against you. And don’t confuse your partner with terms like ‘open relationship’ when what you really mean to say is, ‘I am capable of loving more than one person at a time.’

We are not interested in situations that would require us getting to know a sub's kids. The issues for us are censorship and sharing. We don't want to dumb down the D/s roles when the kids are around and we certainly don't want to share the video games. :-)  We respect people who have made the choice to put their kids first and be good moms and dads but that's just not our path. Since we are looking for a live-in or local situation, it would only make sense to us to visit with candidates who do not have kids right now. We can work out "the future" for the right person, but we are just not ready for that level of commitment out of the box.