Life for me is a rollercoaster. It has always been a rollercoaster for me.
There are times in my life where everything is going great. i have mostly everything that i want in life. Yet somehow i cant keep a hold of it. i always know when im going to lose mostly all or all of al the good things i have. When and how do i know? When one thing happens. It could be one small thing that starts it or one big thing.
This time round it all started with not being able to see my psychologist till the end of April. i have been needing to speak to her for a while but i have just been soo busy working. When ifinally had a chance to book her in, she had a waiting period of two months plus. Its another month befroe i see her.
Then i fucked up big time. i couldnt comitte to a Daddy... We stayed as friends but i started to stress out a lot. i was working a lot... i started working seven days a week. It was getting to me. Then one day i snapped and i told Him off. i said things i shouldnt have said and He walked away... im not suprised... Everyone walks away from me. i have apologised to Him, but that is all i can do. i need to learn to let go. i cant keep apologising and trying to make someones mind up for them. If they dont wanna come back then i should let them go.
Now things have gotten worse for me. i'm facing a bigger crisis then what i have ever faced in my life. It is soo big that SirFlamey nearly walked away from me. i nearly have lost everything. i'm bearly hanging on my a finger with work, my mental state is aweful, im crying every night atm. i'm going backwards when i was meant to have gone forwards. At the moment i am crying out.... i know what i need but i cant have it. i tried to take control of my life and for me that is a bad thing. i dont know how to take control in my life. i need help. i need guiadance. i know that if i hadnt fucked up big time with my Daddy i would have that support and help that i need and can only get from a Daddy.... i need to be able to have a time a space to let go to be able to loss all control and give it to someone i trust.... Sir cannot do this as He too is sooo busy.... And tho He can take that away from me i need a Daddy. Sir isnt a Daddy..
i know what i am going thro is only going to make me a better and stronger person. Just right now i dont feel that i am that....
i am a lost little girl trying to find her feet again and finding it hard. i know i will get back on my feet the question is when and how....
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