I was in an open relationship with my ex gf for 5+ years. And I was deeply in love with her. In fact, she was my first love. We didn’t break up for any reason in particular, but perhaps it was the distance - I had moved to the Bay Area and she was traveling back and forth to the East Coast. Years and years ago, we had a funeral back in LA to attend together, so I was staying with her and her family during the time I was in LA. What she doesn’t know about that week is that her brother tried to jump my bones on a day we were alone together after a shower of mine. It caught me completely, completely off guard, and felt totally out of left field. Despite how stunned I was, I had to shut it down (for a multitude of reasons).

However, she happened to tell me a few years ago that I’d been the friend of hers that he’d always crushed on. Makes sense. We’re a few years older than him. I was around more than any of her other friends when we were younger, and I often drove him around quite a bit. I drew a lot of attention from guys, anyway, and she and I were mostly in the closet around family, so it’s unlikely he was even aware of the two of us. 

She’s married with kids, living on the East Coast now. I live back in LA again. We get to hangout together when her family migrates to the West Coast for winter. But I also started spending time with her brother again last year. It’s become apparent that he still wants me. 

And now I want him, too. 

For a site supposedly so mindful of bigotry and/or transphobia (to the point that profiles languish in Purgatory to be "approved" for things as simple as updating your age), it really annoys me that in the "Seeking" section of your profile, "Switch Transgender" is not an option. And it's never been an option.  Apparently it's impossible to be a switch if you're trans.  Or, perhaps it's impossible to be trans if you're a switch.  How frustrating.  Paying lip service to these rather important concepts without even doing something as simple as acknowledging people who are switches, but who may not be cis, feels obnoxious, possibly like it's not much more than mere virtue signaling.  Good luck if someone is NB.  No, we certainly don't need more sites overrun with transphobia, but as such, yes, we do need to actually fully embrace all the options that are available to cis people being available to trans people on a site with so few options, anyway.  And maybe even work on updating that for NB people, too.  I'd love for the energy that's put into profile approval (especially when you're just updating things in provided dropdown menus, anyway) to be put into those basic updates in 2022 instead.  I know CS, as a whole, updates slowly (if at all), but that would still be lovely for a site that claims to be mindful of bigotry.  Sometimes bigotry isn't just what you say, sometimes it's also what you don't say.

The best thing about being a sadomasochist is playing with my group of fellow sadomasochistic friends.  We've had many adventures with canes and needles and scalpels and fire in so many forms and hanging by hooks and lots and lots more over the years.  It's been such a delight.  Sadly, it's not all fun and games.  Online, too often, too many guys approach me to announce themselves as a sadist who is looking forward to causing me great pain.  Is that so?  GTFOH.  

1. Who are you, random person?  I didn't express interest in you.  You don't get to decide what you're going to do to me before I even find you interesting, in any way, at all.
2. I have an extensive group of fucked up friends with whom I've already fostered deep trust.  I know that the things I enjoy most require a level of trust.
3. I'm a sadomasochist.  I am not a masochist.  I am not only interested in experiencing pain.  I am also interested in causing pain.  I enjoy both.  But I would enjoy a great deal of your pain before I'd ever remotely allow you to cause me pain. I'm a sadomasochist who plays with other sadomasochists.

It's not a great look for someone to tell complete strangers what they plan to do to them before said stranger reciprocates interest.  It's an even worse look to me when a sadist ignores my own sadistic side, as though I'm strictly a masochist and that I’m just dying to suffer for someone else who isn't invested in suffering for me, too.  Women don't just proclaim their intentions to be my sadist the way men do, however, even though women are often the most titillating and fascinating sadists and sadomasochists.  The majority of the most exciting and intense pain-based scenes I've ever enjoyed have almost all been with other women and NB creatives.  Do I think there could be men who are creative sadomasochists, too?  Certainly.  I have male sadomasochistic friends as play partners.  But those are obviously not the so-called sadistic guys contacting me online.

It's odd to me that some men don't understand why there are women on here (and in general) who don't want to do what they want.  Men who contact women dick or fetish first, either visually or through words, and are peeved that the women aren't ready to immediately engage with them the way they expected.  "Hey, lady, if you don't want to do what interests me, why are you even here?!  Since I find you attractive, you have to find me attractive, too!"  How terribly disappointing for them to discover that women have their own interests and come here (and anywhere else) to pursue what they want.  Like, a xxx69MasterChode69xxx or a MrSirDomPencilDick4Lyf are really under the impression that women have been online just waiting for when they would contact them.  There's no other reason a woman would be online.  

I know I certainly don't have my own interests and kinks.  Of course not.  I've just been waiting for another pic of an utterly forgettable male member in an endless onslaught of utterly forgettable male members or a lame headless torso, or worse yet, a vanilla guy who thinks a sloppy bj qualifies as "kinky" on a kink site.  I'm interested in pursuing my own kinks with the people who interest me.  I don't care what a guy wants.  I didn't ask about his fetishes.  I don't request pictures, so I'm not trying to see someone's face, body, or dick.  And unless my curiosity has been piqued enough that I'd be open to pursuing anything with a guy, none of those things are relevant to me.  I am here for my reasons, my kinks, my sexual pursuits.  They don't have to be the same as yours.  I am not going to pander to what a guy wants just because he wants it.  

It's fun how often men approach me online proclaiming that they're somehow "floored" by my intelligence, and that it's just sooo difficult to find intelligent women online, and of course, they recognize intelligence because of how extremely intelligent they are themselves.  They're looking for someone intelligent just like me, but obviously they don't actually want someone intelligent just like me since I am not flattered by such clownery.  But they sure do want me to be flattered by such a clown tactic.  There are a number of reasons it doesn't work:

1. I know I'm intelligent and don't need the validation for it from random strangers online.  Just like these men don't seek validation for their intelligence from strangers online.
2. When you're smart or funny or kind or any number of traits, you don't need to start conversations by announcing it to others and trying to convincing them that you have those traits; people recognize them for themselves - especially when those people are as "intelligent" as you're claiming they are.
3. I am not some grand exception; there is a limitless number of intelligent women online, here and on every site.  It's easy to tell there are so many since they message me and we talk - they just aren't interested in reaching out to you.  You haven't flattered me by announcing how dumb other women are to you, but you've told me a lot about what you think of women and their intelligence, mine included.
4. The men who expect a woman to be flattered by telling her how very exceptional she is for being intelligent are simply using it as a pickup line.  People who think I'm smart, and who want to engage with me as a result, simply engage with me, without waxing poetic about how smart I am and how smart they are and how they've been looking for someone smart just like me.

It's a pick up line.  Talking about how smart they are and how smart they find me isn't even a conversation.  They're interested in me and they hope that by appealing to my intelligence rather than by being more blatant in their tactics, I'll be more receptive.  It's not flattering to me, but it is an unflattering look on these guys.  Genuine people engage genuinely.

Sigh.  I was looking at a friend's profile on F3tlife and it made me really feel like the last three years of my life have been a waste.  I mean, I've made some wonderful friends and have had some amazing experiences, but I haven't acquired anything useful.  My time before that was productive, but somehow things got sidetracked.  I've spent the last few years playing with an ex Master who whips me bloody.  Yes, I like whips; I like blood.  But nothing particularly useful has come of that.  The pictures of my friend were of him and his slave teaching a whip class.  Together.  As a unit.  I bottom for whip classes, but even after three years, it's not like I can throw one myself.  I've had other Masters comment to me, surprised that he hasn't taught me anything in that time, but I kinda brushed it off because I have no desire to be a top.  However, it's not about being a top.  It's about gaining skill and knowledge from your Dominant.  Not just being a whipping post, but actually learning.  It's the Dom's job to lead the sub and to foster her growth.  It's not all about the pain and the protocol.  Evolution must occur.  In both the Dom and the sub.  Granted, we've only been ex's playing for these past years and not a D/s couple, but I've been wasting my time playing with him when I could be doing more productive things with someone else.  Blah.  I guess it's not necessarily a "waste," but it is a missed opportunity.  

At this point,  I want to do more than play.  I mean, I've always wanted to do more than just play, but my last three years, particularly the last year, have been poorly used.  I've been in useless relationships doing useless things.  Or even better, nothing at all.  I don't have to learn "top" or "Dom" things, but I do want to become a more well-versed person.  In whatever capacity or dynamic.  I'm not going to drop my play partners (or at least I'm probably not going to drop my play partners), but I want to work better service back into my life again.  Service that provides for my top, as well as provides for me.  

Submission isn't only about what you give.  It's also about what you get when you give.  D/s is a way for people to grow and strengthen themselves through various forms of discipline.  I don't feel that I've grown into a stronger person for what I've recently endured.  I don't feel that I've become more complete and more grounded, more whole and multifaceted.  I want true expansion.  Of course, it's never too late to change things and I am doing something about it now, but it still makes me groan to think of all the time I've spent with someone with little positive transformation.  Live and learn.  I will not look back on another three years with the same dissatisfaction.  

Alright.  Let me break this down for you.

Let me make this clear.  I don't care about moving.  I was looking for somewhere to move to already, anyway, so this isn't about us parting ways.  This is about your bullshit.

Friends don't treat friends that way.  Who are you kidding?  You're clearly not my friends.

I'm so glad that it was so convenient for you to have me drive an hour away (in good traffic) to come clean your toilets.  Thank you for giving me that oh-so-prestigious honor.  I would come in when no one was home, clean your bathrooms, wash your sheets, do the dishes, clean the kitchen, vacuum, sweep and dust.  And I would leave.  You came home to a clean house as though the cleaning fairy had passed through.  Thank you for letting me to continue doing that for who knows how long it had been before you decided you liked it better with me cleaning for you, but not living with you.  Yes, it is convenient to have a little pixie clean up after your shit.  And you do have tons and tons of shit.  Crap everywhere.  As a side note, you should clear out all that garbage.  You've been there for three years and it still looks like you're moving in.

But back to the point at hand, yeah, that's not how you treat friends.  Mother didn't teach you that?  You don't have me house sit for you, specifically on your request to have me there taking care of the house, and then a couple days after coming back from vacation boot me.  It makes me sick because you clearly doubted that I was even at the house and had to "test" me to see if I was really there.  Your little "test" did not go unnoticed.  I knew exactly what you were doing.

More importantly, you don't just hand someone an eviction notice and walk away.  Not when she's your FRIEND, anyway.  Especially since you both took TIME OFF WORK to do it.  There was ZERO reason you couldn't have just talked to me face-to-face.  What you SHOULD have done was called me to come home to talk to me.  TALK TO ME.  All your passive aggressive emails are total bullshit.  Am I so scary that you were never able to just look me in the eye and say what you needed to say?  No, actually, I'm not.  You're just a pair of passive aggressive fucks.  

And I loved how you took MORE time off work to BABYSIT my packing, as though I was going to steal from you or vandalize your property.  I've never done such a thing and there was no reason to believe I would start.  I obviously noticed that shit, too.  Goodness knows I wouldn't steal from you because I think your house is full of chaotic crap!  Crap everywhere!  And why would I waste my time vandalizing when you have so much useless crap that any vandalizing would never be noticed.  Get fucking real and get over yourselves.

Furthermore, don't fucking touch me.  When you see me, keep walking.  I don't want your fucking bullshit hugs.  Fuck you.  You're not my fucking friend.

And I'm not yours.

When did men get so insecure?  What's seeped into the water?  I like you, so be secure and happy in the fact that I'm freely giving of myself to you, whether it's as an acquaintance, a friend, a lover, a play partner, a slave, whatever.  Just know that I'm choosing to be here.  I'm not going to laundry list all of your great attributes and qualities.  I wouldn't want you to do that to me, either.  I'm going to trust that you're here because something about me draws you here.  Let's trust each other, trust that we're here because we want to be.

It seems like every girl anymore identifies as "bisexual."  It's an epidemic.  I wonder how many of those girls ACTUALLY like eating pussy.  I imagine a lot of those girls mostly just like to simply make out with their girlfriends when they're drunk.  I'm not sure that that really qualifies as bisexual.  Heteroflexible probably, but probably not fully bi.  

At this point, what is my sexuality?  

I suppose that technically I started out as a lesbian.  I was absolutely madly in love and hated spending even a moment away from her.  We were together for two years before one day she brought home a boyfriend.  A boyfriend?  Who the what now?  I never said anything to her about it.  I guess I just had an "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" attitude, so I landed a boyfriend of my own.  And that was the start of my poly relationships.  Additionally, it was also my introduction to BDSM since my boyfriend was a Dom.  A lot for a girl to take on.  I suppose I qualified as bisexual at that point.  I had fully sexual relationships with both male and female partners.    

As I got older, I identified more as pansexual.  All welcoming and all inclusive.  I've had all kinds of lovers with all kinds of traits and genders.  Female, male, MtF, FtM and I've loved them all equally.  I enjoyed people on an individual basis, not based on their genitalia.  

Now, however, my sexuality has evolved in a different direction.  I still want boys; I still want Tbois and Tgirls, but I no longer feel the desire to be with a woman.  I suppose on a very primitive and basic level, I mostly want cock now and I find myself attracted to people with penises.  I'm not sure when this development happened, but it's a pretty strong feeling.  I don't dislike women and I still find some women very attractive, but I don't want to have sex with them anymore.  No penis, no play.  Or something like that.  I wouldn't fight against an intense connection with a woman, but I definitely wouldn't seek it out at this point in my life.  

So what's my sexuality now?  I'm not a lesbian anymore.  I'm not bisexual anymore.  I'm not even pansexual anymore.  I only like men and either side of the trans coin, but not women, so I'm not all inclusive at this point.  How do you label that?  Not that labels are important, but when there are fill-in-the-blanks on profiles and such, there's no box for me to check.  It's like asking a biracial child to choose one box on her standardized test.  That's unfair and narrow minded.  There needs to be more options.  

I found that line.  And it wasn't too subtle when I found it, either.  It's almost relieving.  Now I can just do what I do and move on with my life.  I don't have to worry about retribution or offence.  Six months of shit just over with and I can just let it go.  Yes, people walk all over me.  No, they can't do it forever.  My patience does have a limit.  Plus, it just stops being fun or useful for me.  I can be a lot more patient when there's a payoff. Obviously.  When that payout ceases to exist, so does my patience.  Congratulations, you, job well done.

Where's the line between being supportive and being taken advantage of?

That's rhetorical.

Why is it so often that poly households are built upon a single man with multiple women? How come is it so rare to have a female with a bunch of men?  Not that it never happens, of course, but it's not very common, at all.  When it is a woman with various men, it's usually a cuckold situation where she may not be having sex with her cuck, anyway.  Or maybe she has sporadic hookups with various men to fulfill the cuck fantasy, but doesn't necessarily have another ongoing partner.  An open relationship isn't the same as a poly one.  Most of the poly triads (or larger) that I see are with a male head and two or more female subs.  Why is that the norm?  It seems that the healthiest circumstances would be a good mix of men and women.  Or maybe not.  But it seems like there should at least be more female led poly groups.  There are a lot of FemDoms, with a lot of male slaves, but most of the Dommes that I know aren't fucking most, if any, of their slaves and I'm not saying that they should.  However, I do think the score should be evened.  

Sometimes I read people's complaints about the difficulty in finding a compatible partner in the lifestyle and they threaten to "go back to vanilla."  If that's even an available choice for you, maybe you should.  I couldn't go vanilla.  I would spend my life miserable if I tried.  No matter what, partnered or unpartnered, this lifestyle runs through my veins.  It gives me fulfillment that I wouldn't otherwise have.  I love the freedom and creativity it allows me.  A vanilla relationship would not encompass all, or even most, of my needs.  

If you're able to happily live in a vanilla relationship, why even bother looking for a kinky or D/s one?  D/s just adds another level of complication.  Compatibility becomes more elusive, but at the same time, even more necessary.  Aligning kinks is difficult.  Trust must run stronger and truer than in vanilla relationships.  Building such blind trust is more than a little challenging, but how can we engage in play without it?  This is a mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically, demanding and dangerous lifestyle.  Not for the weak of heart.  If you can live the vanilla life, you'd probably be better off doing just that.

Being in an "it's complicated," yeah, it's complicated.  There is so much more of a tug.  A "give" tug, a "take" tug.  Brutal tug-of-war.  I sometimes wonder if an "it's complicated" is just a better way of painting a codependent relationship.  If these parties were really compatible and interested in being together, they would work on that, and if they really had no interest in the relationship, they would just end it.  (Maybe be friends, but that's besides the point.)  Instead of either of those options, they choose to make things "complicated."  They love to hate and hate to love each other.  They want to leave, but codependency pulls them back together.  It's not particularly healthy, but because either one or both people can't make a clean break, the roller coaster continues.  I know that no one in an "it's complicated" views their relationship as codependent and of course not every "complicated" relationship is, but more often than not things are not nearly as complicated as they feel.

I always wonder about Dominants who post naked pictures of themselves.  Especially the women.  I understand that sexuality is a strong force, but it seems like it would be even more powerful if it wasn't something so easily given.  Of course, I wonder about male Doms, too, particularly the ones who post bare ass shots.  Submissives often post body shots (specifically as a show of submission) to display what they have to offer, what a Dom can have and take, but when a male Dom shows an ass shot, I immediately wonder if he's showing it off so that it can be taken.  Not that there's anything wrong with a Dom who likes ass play, but I have to ponder if that's the impression he means to give.  Subs can expect to be naked and vulnerable most, if not all of the time, but do Doms want to signify that they, like their submissive counterparts, will be open and exposed all of the time, too?  On a deeper level, yes, a good Dom will be open and exposed, but not necessarily always in the literal sense.  Regardless of how literal or figurative that openness is, does a Dom want to give that initial impression from naked profile pictures?

Never mind cock shots; no one is impressed by cock shots.  

Can men and women really have platonic relationships?

A lot of women think that they have a lot of platonic relationships with men, but a lot of men claim that that really isn't true.  I've heard it described as a ladder: a guy wants to have sex with every non-relative female friend he knows; it's just a matter of what rung on the ladder you are.  Whether you're at the top of the ladder or at the bottom still means that he wants to fuck you.  

Why do women think that they have platonic relationships when men don't see it that way?  Why do women want to just keep things platonic?  Why don't men?  Although, undoubtedly  there are men who would argue that of course they have platonic relationships with women.  I just wonder how truly honest that is.  Maybe they don't even realize it themselves.  Who knows?

I wonder if I have platonic relationships with men.  Admittedly, a few of my platonic relationships are with ex boyfriends, so I don't know if that counts.  I can't imagine ever being with them again, but do they feel the same way about me?  Actually, I know at least a couple who would totally get back together with me, if I permitted.  Hmmm.  

I have a lot of male Dom friends.  I know some of them would definitely fuck me or slap a collar on me given the opportunity.  Does that still count as platonic?  Is it still purely platonic if the want is clearly there, but just hasn't been acted upon?  

What about my male sub friends?  I feel like those relationships are certainly platonic.  But what if they would still sleep with me, even though they obviously wouldn't want a longer term relationship with me?  Or, maybe the only real platonic friendships I can actually have are with sub men.  No, wait, a couple of my ex's are subs, too.  

Are so-called platonic relationships just a means for women to inadvertently (or maybe not so inadvertently) use men?  Use them emotionally, maybe financially, mentally.  Use them physically, just to have a warm body and security near by.  Maybe women's platonic relationships aren't so innocent, either.

I'd like to think that I have platonic relationships.  Just nice, solid relationships that don't have sexual undercurrents or alternative agendas.  Maybe I don't, though.  

It's amazing that anyone makes a connection with anyone else, at all.  Lining up wants, desires, priorities, demands, limits, time, and status...a lot of work.  Almost impossible.  And then there are times when connections are made immediately.  The rare event, indeed.  But the anomaly isn't the point:

When the stars don't align for people, it's really too bad that one or the other person just can't let it go.  It's one thing if you already have an established relationship that you're desperate to salvage, but it's another thing entirely when the relationship hasn't even really started to bud.  You're merely talking to one another.  Nothing is invested yet.  Your situations don't jive, at least not for the time, so let it be, and for goodness sake, don't be bitter about it.  Badgering, cajoling, pleading, demanding, threatening, begging, pestering, belittling, and arguing aren't going to help.  Defending your right to do as you please is also unnecessary.  You can certainly do whatever you please.  And I can choose not to be a part of it.  Good luck to you.  You have the right to fulfill your needs and wants, but I have no obligation to do that for you.  Even more so, I definitely don't need to coddle you to the detriment of myself.

Everyone has needs and seeks to have them met, but not everyone else is able or willing to meet those needs.  Nor should they have to.  People have boundaries for a reason.  They should be respected.  In a relationship.  And even before.

I'm so overwhelmed.  Desperate and happy.  Desperately happy.  Happily desperate.  

I never thought I would get over him.  It was so deeply rooted.  The first time around was such a debacle, but the second time around was...good.  We had a history and he was a better man.  There were things I was never going to have and I had kinda resigned myself to that, but I suppose that's just what it was... resignation.  I don't know how much of that is going on now, too, though.  In any case, I am over him.  I don't even talk to him anymore.  I used to talk to him everyday.  The thought of talking to him now repulses me.  I have successfully purged him from my system.  And then some.

I have someone else in my system.  And I have things that I didn't have before.  I don't have other things, but the trade off is worth it.  For sure.  I have better things now.  

I'm just afraid to lose them.  I'm happy and I'm desperate to hold onto it.  It really doesn't take much to make me happy.  A single text.  A five minute phone call.  Holding my hand.  Anything at all.  It all makes me happy.  I want more than anything for him to be happy.  I want him to have what he wants, what he's dreamed about, his destiny.  That's the only thing that will give him what he needs.  I want that for him.  

I just hope that he takes me with him when he goes.

I'm really happy and relieved.  It was worth the wait.  And I've learned a very valuable lesson.

I have to just not ask, not make any requests, not say anything...

And I get what I want.

I decided to stop making inquiries since apparently that was akin to an interrogation and to just wait and trust.  He knows what I want, so I just have to wait and let him give it to me on his terms, when he wants to.  As long as it's completely on his terms and with his permission, I'll probably get what I want, so it's worth the wait.  I can't do anything that might feel like pressure, not even a little bit.  Don't question him; just accept what I'm given.  I just have to learn to be calm and trust him.  I guess he's learning to trust me again, too. 

It's all kinda a double edge sword, though.  I'm not sure if I have too much freedom now.  I can pretty much do most anything, within very reasonable and loose bounds, but I don't want to have sex with other people and I don't want him to, either.  I don't think it will really come up, but I don't want it to at all.  Ever.  I've done the poly thing, always successfully, a number of times before, but I don't want that anymore.  I'm over it.  Do I want an open relationship?  Not really.  And playing with other people isn't the same as having a sex with someone else.  Do I care if he plays with other people?  I'm definitely okay with that.  I consider that kinda par for the course, anyway.  Do I want to have sex with someone outside of our relationship?  No.  Do I want him to have sex with someone outside of our relationship?  Not really digging that notion, either. 

And that's where the double edge sword comes in.  When I stopped asking for leeway, he gave it to me, but did he give me too much?  The leeway goes both ways.  Am I okay with that?  Unfortunately, I can't say anything and I can't ask.  When I do, that's when things go to shit.  And I know how some people would judge that, but that's simply the price that I'm paying right now.  Maybe it won't be that way forever.  Or maybe it will be.  Regardless, it's not going to change in the immediate future and I just need to accept that currently.  However, I do wish that I could say more about it without rocking the boat.  

Of course, maybe it's just a test to see if I would do it.  Actually, I hope it's just a test to see if I would do it.  That would make things infinitely easier because this isn't a test that I would particularly fail.  I've pretty much worked anyone else out of my system.  I only have one who holds my attention now.  I only want him; I don't want anyone else.  Maybe I just have to trust that he knows that and that he'll give that to me if I'm just calm and trust him.

This is simply a test of my quiet faith.

I know you read this.  I don't know why you read this.  I don't know why you read my journals here or look at my other profiles.  I didn't call you out on anything, though.  I just watched you.  Whether you know it or not, you say a lot.

You're paying attention to me.  Apparently.  I want you to pay attention to me.  But why do you do it?  The thought of you used to mostly annoy me.  After all, I wanted my stuff.  (Your place is not the only place where I've spent the night.)  Now, I miss you.  I want you and I want you to want me.  I'll leave it all behind.  I'll stop everything with everyone.  I don't care about anyone else.  I just care about you.  Please...

So, as I was driving last night, it clicked with me.  I'm popular.  It had never really dawned on me before quite like that.  It's kinda like a teacher who is so proficient at their subject that they can no longer teach it at a level for the students to understand, but the teacher doesn't even realize it because it is so ingrained in him.  I'm that teacher.  Apparently popularity was ingrained in me and I wasn't even aware.  Everywhere my Sir and I went, I was constantly hugging and kissing hellos to every one.  Talking and catching up with someone.  Making plans with someone else.  Running around with someone.  Shedding clothes with a group of people to get in a pool or jacuzzi.  Having fun with lots and lots of my favorite people.

And I was dating that nerdy kid that got picked on in school; dating the unpopular, wallpaper of a kid.  Unless the nerdy kid has worked through his issues, it's never going to work for him to date the popular girl because he'll always be insecure and self conscious about dating the popular girl.  (I imagine it goes both ways with the unpopular girl dating the popular guy.)  And as unfortunate as it was, my guy (despite how much he would claim he didn't care) had not worked through his issues.  He had to pre-emptively hate all friends before they could hate them, so that if they didn't like him, well, he already didn't like them first.  He didn't like public stuff because he didn't think things needed to be displayed, but to whom are we displaying this stuff?  Ourselves.  People just like us.  Our own esoteric clique.  I know that he was really just insecure about the idea of his skills being put on display.  He was insecure.  My friends are all crazy good at what they do and have mad skills that they get payed well to do.  My Sir was just a guy dabbling into a little bit of something kinky in the bedroom.  He couldn't play with the big dogs in the scene.  He was just insecure.

And that would have been fine, if only he would have communicated it and not been this arrogant jerk about everything.  You don't want to go to scene events?  Come with me to classes.  Learn some skills.  We can practice at home.  You don't know how to do something, watch while someone else does it to me.  Instead, he kept me locked in a cage where I couldn't play with anyone else, but he wasn't playing with me, either.  I need my play time. 

It's amazing how quickly you get over someone the older you get.  Actually, maybe it's not that you get over them quicker the older you get, it's that you get over them quicker the fewer of your needs are taken care of.  It's a shame really.  A real shame.  I really liked that one and thought he was a keeper.  It's my curse, really, as long as I start thinking about a future with someone not even talking, just thinking, about the future, things start falling apart, plus I put him on speed dial!  What was I think?!  I know better than to put someone on speed dial.  Kiss of death, baby, kiss of death.

Moral of the story:  if you're a popular girl, the nerdy guy may seem like a safe card, but they have ugly insecure demons, beware.

Ha.  Is this a new fad?  I must have missed the memo...

Since when does being a male Dominant automatically make you a doctor?

Why do people claim to be "no limits"? 

Everyone has limits.  I, personally, love amputee porn, but I've yet to find a "no limits" slave who has been willing to get amputated for me.  Why?  Oh, yeah, because people have limits!

Some people have more extreme limits, possibly that will land them in jail or in an early grave, but even they have limits on something.  Perhaps they refuse to eat carrots, whatever.  And, in reality, those with the more extreme or disturbing limits, are probably not trolling around the relatively mainstream places like collarme, but are preying in more esoteric arenas.

Regardless, even the people with extreme or illegal fetishes aren't into EVERYTHING; even they aren't "no limits."  They're just particularly into their own divergent kink.  Furthermore, the majority of the people who boast the "no limits" title aren't comparatively deviant, anyway.  More often than not, they don't really have very much real time experience in the BDSM world.  They fancy themselves "no limits" because it's an erotic notion and they haven't actually had their limits truly tested (but, without a doubt, they'd claim otherwise).  Most people aren't truly, deeply depraved; they're not Albert Fish or Armin Meiwes.  Of course, even those two weren't specifically "no limits," they were just very very into their own fetishes. 

The closest thing there is to "no limits" is not having to set or to announce limits to a Master or Mistress because you both, innately, hold the same basic limits.  I don't have a safe word (which is a whole other journal) and have never set limits with my Sir because I know that he has the same basic legal and ethical limits that I have.  It's not necessarily that I'm "no limits," it's simply that I don't have to list my hard limits because my Sir shares those same basic hard limits, too (and all my other, softer limits prove malleable and pushable).  In fact, sensibly, I'd only serve someone who held the same intrinsic values that I do.

Anyway, enough with the "no limits" nonsense.  Be thoughtful about it and get on with things.

I was supposed to see him this past weekend, but I never did and I never called, either.  I never thought that I would one day be as over him as I am.  He's in my periphery now and I almost don't want to see him, anymore.  Things are so different now; I have someone who puts me first.  Maybe I was always a priority with him, too, but I never felt it.  I was the "primary" in a long line of people and things, but it always felt competitive.  Now, I don't have to worry about that.  I like it. 

We went to the fair today.  He arranged his schedule so that we could go because he knew it would make me happy.  It did make me happy.  I always had to rearrange my schedule around the former.  Now it's more of a compromise.  And I'm not second.

So...I'm trying this new "good girl" thing.  I'm generally not bad, but sometimes I may not be able to be classified as good either.  Per se.  I just don't think that he's being serious.  I don't know.  I generally don't have consequences, so I just don't take things as seriously as maybe I should.  But I'm making a concerted effort now.  After all, it never gets old to hear someone coo, "Good girl."

He thinks that I don't respect him the way that I respected Doms in the past, but I'm not so sure that that is it.  I certainly feared one of my prior Doms, but I wouldn't say that I particularly respected him.  Others I respected for a time, but it didn't last.  I actually do respect him.  He's passionate.  While our causes aren't the same, I definitely respect that he's so passionate about higher causes.  As a person, I respect him a lot more than any of my previously Doms and I respect him more than most people in general. 

Ah, I miss him tonight.

Three years later.  Lovers have come and gone and with that brought happiness and grief.  Fortunately, there were considerably more happy moments than sad ones, but who's counting? 

I've evolved a lot over that time and so has my place in this community and scene.  It's become less about "Him" and more about me.  And now it's becoming more about US.  It's a complicated push and pull and plays out in different dynamics and on different levels, but it's nice to finally be someone's number one girl.  Of course, now that I've put that in writing, I've completely jinxed myself...which I already did when I put him on speed dial.  I wonder how things will play out.  At some point, something is going to break, though.  Or rather, someone.  I pray it isn't him. 

There's a party this weekend.  Fuck.  This could potentially be very fun or very unpleasant.  I don't know who's going to break over that one.  Part of me wants to still go out and have the same kinds of fun with my friends that I'm used to having and part of me thinks he's worth just being with him.  But I'm DIVERSE.  My tastes and interests vary widely and I don't do the same things with everyone.  I play differently with different partners and it doesn't mean that he isn't my world; it just means that some things are specialty items, well, specialty play. 

My world is just him, but my universe is vast.

So many sad and unhappy people.  And I'm not one of them right now.  Or am I? 

I'm happy if WE are happy.  Together.  But I'm miserable otherwise.  I think it's otherwise and things have changed.  Maybe I'm just being paranoid.  I always accuse him of being paranoid, and he is, but maybe I'm being frantic in this situation.  After all, the actual circumstances haven't even come up yet.  Maybe they never will.  Maybe he'll be accepting.  Maybe I should worry less.  Maybe I shouldn't "should" myself. 

I so want him to be happy.  I want him to be happy with me.  It's been a long time since I've cared about someone new.  But I do care.  I care a lot.  He means a lot to me and I want to mean a lot to him.

So, I'm content.  I'm excited about DomCon.  I can't wait to see a bunch of my friends from all over the country and I can't wait to meet new people.  New people.  I need fresh blood and new people in my life.  The old blood has kinda drained from me.  Thankfully.  New opportunities. 

He likes me.  I think he really likes me, but he's insecure and afraid to fully show it.  He's insecure.  I make him insecure.  I wish he could make him feel better.  It's difficult, though, given the circumstances.  I understand.  I suppose I would feel the same in the same situation.  I just want to feel free and date.  I've finally freed myself and now it's time to really date.  I'm here and ready.  It feels good to be ready and available.  It's good.

Very frustrated.  Sleep.  Why can't I get more than a couple of hours a night?  My head is spinning and I just want to escape.  Any thoughts of him are so oppressive.  I'm trying to escape from my one supportive pillar.  Or something.  Many would dispute that.  I do, too.  "My only love sprung from my only hate."  Although, I feel stronger about the whole situation than I have in a long time.  I suppose I've had a few epiphanies and things are much clearer, not fogged by emotions.  Don't even know where the emotions stand.  I do, however, know that I should probably start getting out there more, perhaps dating more, etc., etc.  What a painful endeavor.  I just want everything to just be.  And I want to feel comfortable in my skin again.  Literally. 

Is it medication?  Is it a coincidence?  This whole last few weeks have been a nightmare and it's not getting any better.  It's just getting skewed.  More so.  I suppose I need time, but I don't want time; I want results.  I want him.  Or do I?  It always feels like you can never get over someone, but then one day, you're over him.  And he's naught but a distant notion from the past.  Sometimes not even that, at all.  When does that moment happen?  And how come sometimes you only care when it's too late? 

It's actually mostly all embarrassment.  It shouldn't much matter, though, because I was never more than a whisper on the wind.  Never seen, never heard.  No one really knows the difference.  I know the difference.  But so what?  Few others do.  Unfortunately for me, all my blocks are toppling at the same time.  It's too much at once.  The last face to face meetings are in a couple of days and then I'm starting from scratch.  Again.  With everything.  Again.  Why doesn't it ever occur to me to simply lie?  Things would be so much easier for me if I'd only lied.  To a great degree that would defeat the purpose, but it would be more helpful to do so.  Too late now.

And I'm never going to fall asleep.

The other night was my first blow torch wax scene since suffering all those nasty burns right before AVN.  My body is covered in layer upon layer of burn scars, but oh, I was not happy about those particular burns.  Not only did they mark me just before I had to be presentable, but I was doubly upset because it shouldn't have happened at all...yes, fire (particularly with blow torches) is high risk play, but that was a scene I had done multiple times before with the same partner.  We both knew how to play the scene.  However, that day he decided to up the ante in ways that he had not previously tested.  You're dousing a girl in scalding waxy magma, while her head is completely wrapped in cellophane so she can't see or hear anything other than the blow torch at her face...is it really necessary to up the ante?  The result: nasty, painful burns that blotched my back; scars that I still bear. 

But I suppose these things happen. 

After an acknowledgment & apology, I forgave & forgot.  Until last night...

There's a new girl on the block.  When I'm not around to take the punishment, sometimes he scenes with this other girl, who was only first introduced to BDSM back in December.  Sadly, she showed up with a telltale ooey gooey burn on her stomach; it was from wax play.  With him.  Of course.  And she thought that SHE had done something wrong to somehow DESERVE the slimy burned mess on her torso. 

It's kinda heartbreaking.  This is this girl's introduction to S/m.  And there's no physical connection for her, no emotional connection, no mental connection.  There's simply scars.  She's just enduring for the sake of proving that she can endure...with someone who didn't learn his lesson with me, months ago. 

Often, I wonder why I bother to endure some of the things that I do, but at least I have a basis of comparison.  I have known & have experienced the difference, the deep satisfaction from having my limits pushed, through a true mental & emotional connection to a top.  I am very much aware of exactly which skills a top possesses & which he sorely lacks.  I know the difference...

But what difference does it make for me to know which is what!?  I hear so so SO much talk about bringing "integrity" back into the scene, which is great, in theory, no doubt, but how does that play out in practice?  It doesn't.  Or perhaps everyone's notions of "integrity" are too different?  Either way, it's difficult to watch new girls go through the "issues" that I've faced (without them even knowing genuine skill from big talk), since ultimately, raising a raunchy stink doesn't ACTUALLY change anything, anyway, but it does stir drama.  It ends up coming across as busybody behavior rather than as anything remotely resembling something beneficial...

And then things return to the status quo, anyway.

I have a lot of collars dangling before me, a lot of men who oh-so-want to see me wear their collars...

Over the last few of years, I've become a rather popular little girl in the community & in the scene.  I suppose that has its pros & cons, but it means that I get a lot of attention, some good, some bad, but all mostly very similar...

He was the most recent in a series.  Ha.  Oh my my!  He told me all about how the men before him didn't treat me right & that there wasn't any "integrity" in the community & he was going to bring it back & he was going to be a "real" man for me (unlike the men before) & that he was so unique & different from everyone else blah blah blah.  Alrighty.  What he didn't realize was that those were the EXACT things that EVERY man had said to me before him.  Indeed, he didn't have any understanding of my previously relationships or how the men before him treated me, at all, yet he was preaching to me about how different he was.  Ultimately, though, he wasn't different; he was the latest who hyped such notions, but then proved to be the same brand of cocky as all the others. 

And "cocky" isn't attractive.  "Cocky" doesn't equate to "confidence."  Cockiness is obviously just an overcompensation for insecurity.  Obviously.  Everyone has insecurities; guys have insecurities & they can be difficult to manage, for sure, but there are definitely a lot more cocky men in this particular subculture than in a lot of other places.  Guys have to puff up their little feathers.  Sometimes in an effort to prove "dominance," men revert to very catty & cocky behavior.  It's unfortunate, but it's even more annoying when they condemn others for the same behavior, in an effort to "win" the girl.  Yes, it's hypocritical, but not necessarily purposely so--it's just a deep denial of their insecurities.  People who are truly confident don't have the need to do that, don't have the need to talk about how confident they are. 

Of course, the whole "Everyone else treated you so baaadly & I'm going to be your saaavior" concept applies to the collared sub boys I date, too.  (What's with the hero complex?  I'm not a Disney princess--I'm an adult, with 30 looming in my not-too-distant future!  I'm not interested in a crystal tiara or a knight in shiny armor.)  Unfortunately, the one sub guy who didn't do ANY of that to me also didn't have the balls to be with me the way that he (& I) wanted--he wasn't cocky, but he also didn't have any confidence.  Oh well.  These aren't bad guys (generally); they're not bad people...they're just hiding their lack of confidence, in whatever capacity, behind cockiness.  Just like everybody else...

Sadly, all these dangling collars are about insecurities, too.  These people just want to pin me down, want to feel that they possess me, so that others don't have me.  It's a bunch of kids on the playground who want to hoard a toy just so that no one else can enjoy it--not because they even know what to do with the toy if (& when) they have it. 

It's a matter of weeding through things & being diplomatic.  To the degree that is possible.  And being patient.  It's all about patience...

It's interesting...

A lot of men (quite often the ones who spend a lot more time online than actually engaging in real life BDSM) complain incessantly about Pro-Dommes & Mistresses.  They feel that these women are simply trying to exploit men & the lifestyle.  That may or may not be true; a lot of Pros truly possess & have honed skills that the average college brat...lacks (& there are plenty of men who would prefer paying for the service, getting exactly what they want, & getting out, anyway).  When people want professional skills, often they have to pay for those skills, whether it's monetarily or "other."  Likewise, anytime when hiring a pro, there's the good, the bad, & the mediocre.  A person must research the pro one hires & not just hire the first one that comes along, or is the "hottest," or whatever.  Unless that single qualifier is a person's only priority, in which case there should be no complaints. Men don't want women to exploit them in their lifestyle, of course, but women don't appreciate men exploiting the lifestyle, either. 

I can't count how many times some jackoff with the cheapest pocket camera seeks fetish models to shoot...nude...for free, under the guise of being a professional photographer.  Sometimes it is a pro photographer who is just using a girl for his own pay day, without properly compensating her, & other times, it is just some random perv who is using photography as a front to snag naked chicks.  There are a lot of quality, skilled photographers out there, who don't just use the lifestyle for exploitation, but there are a lot of men who are not as on the up 'n up.  Some people enjoy amateur photography as a hobby & other people are complete exhibitionists, great match, but when some random dork claims to be a professional photographer, it's no better than the unqualified women claiming to be Pro Doms. 

Either way, there are plenty of people, both men & women, who exploit elements of the lifestyle.  Unfortunately.  It's too bad, but it's fairly easy to not end up exploited in those ways (unless, of course, that's a person's kink).  All in all, though, I suppose it would be nice for everyone if the amateurs stopped exploiting the "Pro" title...

Ah, regaining my privacy.  The public sphere & the private sphere.  And all that good jazz. 

People know the public you & they assume that they also know the private you.  No. 

More importantly, however, are the people who are part of your private life, who don't want to give you space.  Enough.  I know we're close.  I know we're F/family, but when I close the door to take a shower, knock before you enter.  Better yet, just wait to pee until I'm finished.  Sometimes I could use a moment to myself.  I don't want to do EVERYTHING as a F/family all the time.  I LIKE to do things solo; I need experiences without everyone's "support," just being quiet & introspective.  Left to myself.  By myself.  For myself.  Alone. 

That's what makes it so annoying--everyone thinks that s/he is providing me great "support," but...huh?  "Support"?  For what?  Why?  No.  (It's like someone offering an apology when he doesn't know why he's sorry.)  The so-called support doesn't feel good.  It's absolutely stiffing.  I'm suffocating.  Yet, for me to reject so much "support" just seems like I'm a jerk.  Yeah, maybe I am, but I gotta breathe. 

I tried to keep my hook suspension from my F/family, but my public life, unfortunately, made that information...public.  All of a sudden, I have someone there wanting to hold my hands while I'm getting pierced, wanting to rig my hooks, wanting to be a part of this & that, wanting to give constant "support."  Ah.  Leave me alone.  All the extra chaos is only more stressful for me.  Yes, my hook suspension was amazing, but it still ended up becoming a F/family affair (particularly when a "supportive" F/family member ended up hanging off me, too), which is what I wanted to avoid.  Per usual.  EVERYTHING does NOT have to be a group effort.  Really.

I miss my solitude.  Or at least some breathing room.  Mine.

It's difficult for me.

I think that private school ended up being a great disservice to me.  It taught me how to write well.  It taught me critical thinking.  But most unfortunately, it surrounded me with smart people.  Even the dumbasses were idiot savants in their own rights.  My class, in particular, was full of so many bright students that my college-prep school had to readjust the classes & curriculum to keep up with us.  It makes things difficult for me now, though...

At the time, I didn't take note or realize that we were particularly smart or exceptional.  We were so nonchalant & apathetic about it all, & it all came so easily to most of us...I suppose I just figured that pretty much everyone was like us, that true idiots were the exception, not the rule.  It wasn't until I got to college that I realized not everyone was particularly bright.  Now, despite how much I've never wanted to believe it, it seems that most people are actually exceedingly dim.  Startling so.   And not necessarily because everyone is innately stupid, which makes it even more unfortunate.  It's crushing for me.  I took for granted that "common sense" was actually common & made sense.  Now, I'm actually the outsider for it.  Ugh, and it seems that most people don't even realize how truly dim they are.  (The areas in which I lack, I'm most CERTAINLY aware of how badly I suck.)  I love how many people just hate all the stupid people out there...but actually prove to be one of the stupid people themselves.  It's amusing for a new york minute, but ultimately, it's boring & lonely for me.  And frustrating.  And boring.  And lonely. 

Particularly as a submissive woman...

I learned a long time ago to keep it all to myself.  When someone hurts or upsets me, I likely won't say much (if anything) about it.  I learned a long time ago to keep it all to myself...

When someone hurts me & I express that hurt to them, I'm essentially making myself vulnerable to them all over again.  I am giving them added ammunition to fire on me...or even just to have, just to know & to savor.  That's how it works.  That's what I've learned. 

Perhaps more importantly, however, at the point of me feeling rather brutalized by someone, it's because the behavior has proven egregious...And adults don't need to be TOLD that they're behaving seriously BADLY.  They know.  And they're doing it, anyway.  Usually, it's out of selfishness & because they think that they'll get away with it.  But I shouldn't have to TELL another adult not to abuse me, that it hurts me when abused, that I don't like it.  No matter how annoying I may find the petty things, they don't HURT me; the wicked shit hurts me.  Only sociopaths don't know when they've been wicked.  And there's no point in expressing my hurt to a sociopath since there's no reasoning with insanity, anyway. 

Unfortunately, when I don't say anything, people often mistakenly believe that they've actually gotten away with something (how dreadfully foolish of them) & my friends accuse me of not sticking up for myself.  Alright, so sometimes I actually say something.  But then people decide not to take what I have to say too "personally."  They don't want to believe that I actually take issue with their treatment of me.  No, no, that can't be it.  It must be something else, something which precludes them from acknowledging anything that I say.  I'm a reasonable person.  I don't stress the trivial stuff.  I don't yell or swear when I'm upset.  I wait my turn to talk.  Therefore, when I say something to an offender, it is most certainly personal.  There was no mistake in saying it.  I meant to express it & I meant to express it to that individual.  It was intended personally; take it personally. 

In spite of all that, the best reason for me not to say things is because it softens me too much now.  Sometimes I do say something to someone who has been wickedly horrible to me...And then I can't be angry at that person anymore.  My hardness softens & I want to be patient & understanding again.  I don't want to be hard & I can't stay angry.  Softening for people who prove unworthy of forgiveness or of second (or third or fourth or fifth) chances should not be afforded such benefits.  Being hard is a valuable defense mechanism against mental & emotional predators, but the verbal release weakens my resolve against such attacks.  It's one thing to forgive & forget the misdeeds of someone genuinely apologetic, but it's detrimental to allow someone back into my heart who doesn't belong there.  Sometimes...it really is better to just keep it to myself...

The mental & emotional disconnect...

Mentally, I understand all the reasons why you're my ex.  Emotionally, I long for reconciliation.  Mentally, I understand that you brought all your consequences upon yourself.  Emotionally, I long for reconciliation.  Mentally, I understand that if I were ever with you again, you'd still be the same narcissistic beastly emotional vampire who destroys pretty girls.  Emotionally, I long for reconciliation. Mentally, I abhor the idea of reconciling with you & find it absolutely repulsive. 

Oh, the mental & emotional disconnect...

Mentally, I know you must like me.  Emotionally, I'm insecure, but I want you & I want you to want me, too.  Mentally, I know that you're out of reach & out of range.  Emotionally, I'm insecure, but I want you & I want you to want me, too.  Mentally, I know that you may be even more reserved & more cautious than I am.  Emotionally, I'm insecure, but I want you & I want you to want me, too. Mentally, I should just grow a pair or get over it. 

The mental & emotional disconnect...

Mentally, I recognize the nature of things with you.  Emotionally, I'm stung & sometimes jealous.  Mentally, I recognize the great freedom & acceptance that I have with you.  Emotionally, I'm stung & sometimes jealous.  Mentally, I recognize that I wouldn't want the relationship to be any other way.  Emotionally, I'm stung & sometimes jealous.  Mentally, it's really not a big deal & we're both getting needs fulfilled. 

Ugh, the mental & emotional disconnect...

Mentally, I'm fully aware that you are quite mentally unsound.  Emotionally, I don't want to hurt or abandon you.  Mentally, I'm fully aware that I've allowed you to destroy my life before & I can't ever let that happen again.  Emotionally, I don't want to hurt or abandon you.  Mentally, I am fully aware that I have a difficult time respecting you, at all.  Emotionally, I don't want to hurt or abandon you.  Mentally, you're not my damn problem.

No, it's not that I'm somehow actually a Mistress, it's that you have not learned how to dominate me. 

I am curt & no-nonsense.  I either say what I have to say bluntly & honestly, or I keep my thoughts to myself, but I don't sugarcoat anything.  Initially, men always claim to find that oh-so-refreshing.  They claim that they want a woman who is straightforward, who doesn't "play games," who says what she means & means what she says...but people must be careful about the things for which they wish...

People always want to read into the things I say.  No, don't do that; I'm capable of communicating.  I said what I intended to say; it doesn't need to be translated.  Even when I'm angry, I'm very careful about what I choose to say because words cannot be unsaid, no matter how many apologies we give.  Anyway, I'd rather not have to apologize.  If I said something in anger, I very much intended to say it.  Sometimes it may hurt for someone to hear the things that I say, but I do not say things for the purpose of being hurtful & the things I say are honest.  I'm very patient, but I am also very no-nonsense & once my last nerve has been ridden, I'm done.  I don't pretend to like people that I don't.  I won't permanently cut anyone from my life, but I won't tolerate much at that point, either. And you'll know. 

I'm also logical to a fault.  Men claim that they like that, too, but they have a hard time dealing with it.  Most people are not very logical, even when they fancy themselves as such...I, however, am & I don't act out of emotion. Again, men claim that they prefer that, but they don't know what to do when they have it.  It frustrates them.  And they often end up acting out emotionally...

Ultimately, even though guys think that they like a girl who is just cut & dry, they have to be careful with that wish because it means that I don't use cute little innuendos & I don't flirt.  I generally keep to myself.  Flirting does not compute.  I either say what I have to say to you bluntly...or I don't.  No in between.  I'm not going to find excuses to make unwarranted physical contact, I'm not going to call you just to "chat" because I want to hear your voice, I'm not going to say something to you with sexy "undertones" (hint hint wink wink).  When I don't, it confuses them.  It really shouldn't, though.  In my case, if I seem indifferent to a guy, it's because I'm indifferent to him...and I'm rather indifferent to most guys.  I suppose I'm indifferent to most people, in general, anyway, though. 

Regardless, it does NOT make me a Dominant just because you don't know how to deal with me, handle me, interact with me, take me, etc.  Just because I find your nonsense illogical (& likely very tedious), that doesn't mean that I'm a SAM or that I want to top from the bottom or that I'm somehow "secretly" a Mistress in disguise.  You claimed you wanted honesty.  I just told you what I had to say honestly, not rudely, but very curtly.  No sugar on top.  As a sub.  You didn't like what you asked to hear, but I told it straightforward AND I'm still a woman AND I'm still a sub.  As a Dominant man, deal with it.  Or don't.  But next time, be careful about your wishes, if you can't handle it.

It's been a long week.  I suppose it's been a long year, though. I think I'm melting away.  Maybe I'm just wishing I would. 

And I'm starting to really dislike being around a lot of people, moreso than ever.  They're suffocating me, & aggravating me...& boring me.  They're boring the hell out of me.  I wish they would all go away.  Or at least stop talking.  Sometimes I'm lonley...but I'd rather be by myself than with any...of...them.