Collarspace.com

Horizontal Line
Vertical Line
Horizontal Line

Horizontal Line

GoddessAriana

GoddessAriana - photo 1
GoddessAriana - photo 2
GoddessAriana - photo 3
GoddessAriana - photo 4
GoddessAriana - photo 5

Horizontal Line

Friends:
bitim4uDaphneLouiseKha0sAngelsqueakmrsdidi
ReverendDarknessmubsterErotomaniajoaquinshanghaiSeriousSub79
DirtyBadFun79Th3AbbyNormalSubmissive6969Skoooter20DeviousDeviants
newtampaguy25ChefBgobAGIRLFORUSTampaSkaterDomDepotFL

Horizontal Line

Vertical Line

I am Goddess to one, best-friend to some, a Mother, a Daughter, a freak, a weirdo, and especially a dork. I am an enigma and can't be explained by mere mortals. Few understand me, even fewer like me but many love me. I am Goddess and everything that entails is what makes me, me.

Friends are wanted more than anything. With my sub deployed, I find myself in need of something and not sure what.

Single men looking to get off and married men looking to cheat, need not write. Perverts, wankers and losers, go ahead and write, I always need a laugh and something witty to put in my journal.



Horizontal Line

12/27/2009 2:47:17 PM
So many wonderful new faces and still so many of the old ones. No matter how much time I've spent away from here it seems nothing really has changed, which isnt bad I suppose. I have some really good friends and Ive met alot of interesting people. In the new year I look forward to reuniting with old friends and making new friends.

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to all my friends, old and new.

xoxoxo
GA

12/16/2008 8:39:27 AM
So much to do, so little time....Biscuit Buns broke his elbow playing football, so he's been out of commission for a bit now. I will be so glad when he is home. Just about 2 months or so left to go ^^

Things on my end have finally calmed down. I still cant believe I will be 30 in a few days. Where does time go?

Happy Holidays everyone!

~~GA~~

11/27/2008 8:09:01 AM
I hope everyone has a very blessed and happy Thanksgiving. ^.^

11/11/2008 9:25:51 AM
<happy sigh> I received the signed slave contract in the mail yesterday. Although it doesnt change things, its still nice to have and to know that we have taken the next step in our journey. 

11/4/2008 4:15:13 PM
I voted...Did you?

10/29/2008 7:32:13 AM
I'll be in Jax this weekend for the Fl/Ga game, so if anyone wants to come out and party with me on Halloween, the more the merrier =^.^=~~Goddess~~

10/11/2008 12:16:32 PM
Anyone have any ideas about Collaring ceremonies? Ive been to several and some are like weddings, some are like small parties and one was just weird.  I would love to hear about yours or any ideas that you might have. I have plenty of time to plan, he doesnt come home until the end of Feb and then he has to earn his collar. But it would be nice to have some ideas and start planning before then.

Thanks to all!
~~Goddess~~

10/7/2008 6:52:10 PM
I love Dominant women who have half naked pictures of themselves and then bitch and moan about the type of mail they are receiving. It cracks me up.

9/26/2008 7:10:52 AM
So far, things with biscuit buns is going very well. He has completed all his assignments, mostly to my satisfactory, which is always a bonus.

To check out his journal entries and his writing assignments check out our joint profile

GddssnBiscuitBns

Have a great weekend!
~~Goddess~~

9/23/2008 11:32:14 AM
Goddess needs a playmate to keep me occupied.

**Must be local**

9/9/2008 6:03:54 AM
SSGT Buns left today for his deployment.  Its going to suck and I already hate it, but hopefully, he will be home safe and sound before I know it.

I'll be at FC this coming weekend, so feel free to say hello and give me a hug, moral support is always welcome.

xoxoxoxox
 

8/14/2008 8:08:31 AM
Goddess had her surgery and is slowly recooping. This has been such a hard time for her. Please keep all the prayers and well wishes coming.

biscuit buns

8/12/2008 11:15:00 PM
The Art of Pleasuring BBW' After reading months of comments here addressing the issue of why men are physically attracted to BBWs, I narrowed the topic to focus specifically on sex and why some men may prefer bbw lovers. I have concluded that the Wonderfully Addictive experience of sex with a bbw can be explained to a great extent by the realization that ALL FIVE SENSES are working overtime and to a greater degree than when a smaller woman is your partner. Take notice of the following:

1) Touch/Feel- more than just nipples or genitalia. At any position or embrace, there is a broader area of flesh to flesh in contact with a warm bodied bbw. Her Warm, sensitive flesh that is soft and pliable beneath massaging fingers feels great. Bellies, thighs, buttocks, shoulders, the areas behind her knees &;; neck (Doesn't that feel great ladies?)--even feet &;; hands are a special treat. Nothing is better than exploring a bbw figure with lotions, oils &;; cremes. The appetizer is as much of a thrill as the main course. If a woman is a size 3 is there anything particularly arousing about rubbing her back & shoulders? (I didnt think so.)

2) Sight- The visual of a bbw spread eagle, riding on top or on all fours is a feast for the eyes. When those fleshy body parts are shifting in motion it truly is like the difference between a 2D and a 3D movie when compared to smaller ladies. People who talk about their favorite bbw sex positions almost always mention the angle of the view and how much they like her jiggles & wiggles. Add movement, perspiration and a euphoric facial expression &;; thats enough to send a guy over the edge!

3) Taste- As a bbw demands more attention to all parts of her body (I have found these ladies to have first rate hygiene) body nectars are often fun to mix with foods &;; liquids that -when present- one can't resist spreading all over. I personally enjoy the taste of white wine on my lady's body. BBWs also tend to be very deep kissers &;; most are more than willing to sample a taste of themselves when a guy comes up from making out with the "other set of lips".

4) Smells- You can make of that whatever you will. Sometimes a bbw can have an overwhelming (though not foul) natural scent when she is in a state of arousal. Because of great hygiene bbws tend to put more "smell good" in their cleavages, cracks &;; crevices. Nothing is better than discovering the new fragrances my partner buys because she knows that I naturally explore all of her, not just the traditional "girl parts".

5) Hearing- Even the sounds of lovemaking are different. From the intense breathing to the sound of flesh clapping against flesh in the doggy position or with a gal's legs over her guy's shoulders as he stands on the floor with her hips pulled to the corner of the bed- the sound can make the most passionate lovers go at it with more intensity. Then when a steady pace is established, the smacking sound of flesh meeting flesh provides the baseline/beat -and along with the heavy breathing, moans &;; ever present sounds emitted by the mattress and the bed frame- completes a wildly hypnotic symphony that adds to the intensity of the experience and drives the bbw &;; her lover to climax.

THE STIMULATION FROM THESE FIVE SENSES IS MULTIPLIED EXPONENTIALLY WHEN YOU ADD A LOVING, COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP ON TOP OF IT. Unfortunately, that can't be the case for everyone, but those of you who are in great relationships know what Im talking about.

8/5/2008 10:51:08 AM
http://www.news.com.au/story/0%2c23599%2c24133445-2%2c00.html

7/31/2008 9:02:12 PM
With Biscuit Buns deployment coming up in just a little over a month, I have realized that I want a female playmate.

Switch, sub or slave. Must be local, non-psychotic and hygenic (sad that I have to write that last one)

 So, if you're interested, you know what to do.

 xoxoxoxoxo

Goddess

7/24/2008 8:06:07 AM
I hope all the ladies and subs have a fabulous time this weekend at Lady K's. ^_^

 I can not attend, I will be having surgery next week so keep me in your prayers, I can honestly say, Im scared.

 Love to all!

 ~~Goddess~~

7/19/2008 10:10:59 PM
Aaaahhhhhhh!!! Addicted to Mobsters on my-space, anyone else on there?

7/18/2008 12:52:57 AM
Mr Biscuit and I went to the midnight showing of The Dark Knight and well...

 IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!

7/13/2008 7:02:56 AM
WOW!!! Last nights Fetish Circuit was by far one of the hottest nights we've ever been to. I really dont know what was hotter, watching all the incredible scenes at FC or the amazing one we had when we got home. We didnt get to sleep until nearly 4am!

 Have a great week everyone!

 ~~Goddess and biscuit buns~~

7/12/2008 4:45:57 AM
Fetish Circuit tonight!!! Cant wait to get out and party and play with all my friends. Come join us for a very special night. =^_^=

 ~~Goddess and biscuit buns~~

7/7/2008 6:57:07 AM
As always, Sir Steffans was awesome. =^_^=

 This weekend we've got Fetish Circuit. Will be so good to see all my friends and playmates.

 Last month we didnt make it and so we are more than ready to make up for it and have a blast!

 See you there!

xoxoxoxoxoxxox

~~Goddess and biscuit buns~~

7/5/2008 11:54:16 AM
Going to Lifestyle Explorers tonight. Cant wait to play!


7/3/2008 4:45:17 PM
When you have an I Hate My Job Day [even if retired, you have those
sometimes] try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer
section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very
sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the
phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing
and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become
chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice
that in small print there is a statement: 'Every rectal thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not
work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT
IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!


6/30/2008 6:29:52 AM
*banging head on wall* So this is the 2nd time my profile has been changed and when I find out who is doing it Im going to beat them...and not in a good way.

 Also, Ive created a seperate account for my boy and myself, so be on the lookout for that.

 FC is coming up, cant wait!

 ~~~Goddess~~~

6/24/2008 6:37:23 AM
Will someone please explain to me why so many of you complain about 1-liners? I send them all the time. I do it simply because Im not going to waste my time writing some long ass email to someone only to have them either not respond or to find out they are not interested. So I simply send a hello, how are you doing or something like that and if I get a response I go from there.

 So if one of you non-one-liners would be so kind as to explain, I would appreciate it.

6/23/2008 1:55:42 AM
R.I.P. George Carlin :'-(

6/21/2008 4:44:24 PM
*yawn & stretch* Lazy rainy Saturdays...Gotta love 'em

 But now I'm bored...whatever will I do?

6/17/2008 6:47:42 PM
So this weekend didnt go as I had hoped. All in all I would have to rate this past weekend as an epic fail on a scale of 1 to fail. *sigh*

 Oh well, sh*t happens, even to a Goddess. Live and learn.

 Xoxoxxoxo
  Goddess


6/12/2008 9:16:27 AM
Deviant, decadent, and delightful is how I am going to go ahead and describe my weekend.

 We've got Fetish Circuit on Saturday, the Tampa Munch and of course, our out-of-town deviants that are coming up, not to mention some new friends that we are really looking forward to seeing and playing with.

 Friends are great and Im glad Ive got the ones that I have. =^_^=

 Dont forget to come out and play with us at Fetish Circuit.

 ~~Goddess~~
         and
 @@pet@@

6/10/2008 8:01:24 PM
So yeah, I dont know what happened to my profile but I guess it reset itsself. Oh well, I was going to totally redo it anyway.

 Cant wait for Fetish Circuit this weekend, plus my dear deviant friends are coming up from Ft. Liquerdale..woo hoo!!!

5/10/2008 12:28:45 PM
Come join My sub and I and all our friends tonight at Tampa's Fetish Circuit for lots of deviant fun  ^_^

 Be sure to say hello if you come out to play.

~~Goddess~~

5/3/2008 5:12:33 PM
Is it just me, or does this seem a little stalkerish to you?

"I've saved all the pictures to my hard drive :) I might never have you because you won't chat with me. . but I got my voyeuristic side taken care of :) I just want to chat with you . .to get to know you . . is that so bad?"

4/26/2008 3:38:00 PM
Finally all moved. What is it about moving that just sucks the life right out of ya?

Anyways, now thats out of the way, I think I am going to treat myself to a night out with some friends and see what kind of trouble I can get into....just think...you could be the trouble Im getting into

4/22/2008 11:57:05 AM
So yeah, I should be packing right now alas, I have no motivation at the moment.

 Oh well, only a few more days and then I will be in my new home.

 Im excited about moving. This new subbie is great and he's a good boy and a good friend which is so hard to find these days. I finally found a boy who wasnt all about the sex and finally gets the lifestyle and who is my age. *bonus*


4/18/2008 6:08:04 PM
Moving in a week....who wants to help? ^_^


4/12/2008 11:45:58 AM
Going to The Rube and Fetish Circuit tonight. Its going to be so good to see all my old friends and hopefully make some new ones. Im also bringing my new sub out for the first time, so be sure to give him the same welcome you would me.

 XOXOXOXOXOXOX

    ~~Goddess~~

3/18/2008 4:13:59 AM
I am finally headed home.....*sigh*

 Thank you to my most loyal and trusted sub who opened his home and his life to me and gave me the best Vacation I have ever had. It has truly been a blessed time and I will always cherish it...Thank you Brian! You will forever have a place in my heart  and in my life.

To gregory, I will keep your key safe and know that you are never far from me. Be a good boy! And I will see you again soon.

To all the others that made my trip so great..Thank you! I will be back soon, so dont worry!

 ~~~Goddess~~~

3/16/2008 8:29:29 PM
I finally added some new feet pics..lemme know whatcha think ^_^

 And yes, that is the key to a chastity device on my anklet

3/14/2008 10:44:30 PM
Oh my....Mother Nature was really pissed off tonight in Atlanta. Thank God noone was seriously hurt. Pray for those that were injured, left without power, houses damaged and all the other destruction and mayhem.

 On a brighter note...I will be attending 1763 tomorrow (Saturday) night. Did some shopping today, so I will be stepping out in my new threads with my very loyal sub whom I am very greatful to have by my side.  If you see me, make sure you say hello! 

 Also, check out my anklet, I have the keys to my propertys chastity device.

 Seems, my vision of living like Cleopatra is coming to fruition....I seem to be collecting quite a harem of subs. *sigh*

 Still, I continue my search for the one true sub that will submit himself to me and be my one and only.

 ~~Goddess~~

3/14/2008 8:44:29 AM
*cough* New Pics!!!  *cough*

3/12/2008 7:50:13 PM
Made it to ATL in one piece...Almost had to use my Goddess-prowess at the airport when one of my bags was misplaced but all is well now.

 I cant wait to play!!!

 ~~Goddess~~

3/9/2008 11:52:35 PM

So many boys....so little time...
******************************
 I will be in ATL from 3/12-3/18 so all you ATLiens get ready. For all my ATL boys, I hope you are all ready to finally meet Goddess. 

**on a side note, we shall see, who is for real and who is just all online talk, I will be taking notes and making a list while I away**
 
I cant wait. I havent been home in years.

  A very good sub is opening up his home and his city for me while I am there. I know he is going to be a great host. He is fastly becoming a great friend and a most loyal pet.

 Should he chose, he will write on his profile that I am visiting him.

What else? Ah yes, anyone else going to beyondleather in Ft. Lauderdale? Im thinking of going, I would love to be able to go with a group of friends. So let me know.

 Peace, love and Leather!

 ~~~Goddess~~~

 


3/4/2008 2:20:41 PM
Will be in Atlanta March 12th-18th...so all you ATLiens get ready for Goddess!!!

 Woo HOo!! Party!!!

 

2/26/2008 6:15:44 PM
I want a slave with the intelligence of Julius Cesaer, the passion of Marc Antony and the body of a palace slave

2/24/2008 1:13:04 PM
How Rubber Gloves Are Made

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves you can remember this joke:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous
so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't."

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of
latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the  right size."

She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

2/18/2008 7:34:10 PM

What is it about pushing a subs limits, having them squirm, moan, whimper and cry that is such a turn on? 


2/18/2008 11:30:22 AM

Test for Dementia

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately, OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....
First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

 

 

 

 

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

 


Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

 

 

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000.
Now add 10 . What is the total?

 

 

Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

 

If you don't believe it, now check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
.....Maybe

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

 

 

 


Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again


Okay, now the bonus round:

 

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

 

 

 

 

 


He just has to open his mouth and ask.
It's really very simple.

 

 

 

 

KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE


2/16/2008 3:36:43 PM

Wow, Thank you for everyone in Orlando who came out to Pleasure Island and partied with me. Pleasure doesnt even begin to cover it!

 For all your Tampians, screw the pirates and the parade, come out with me tonight.

 The more the merrier!


 ~~ Goddess~~


2/14/2008 2:17:07 PM
Happy Valentines Day to Everyone!

 May you get lots of roses either for the thorns or for the roses, you decide!

 ~~ Goddess~~

2/13/2008 11:02:44 PM

THEY BEAT IT OUT OF ME!!!

February 13, 2008 -- The kinky college professor who was almost strangled during an S&M session at a Midtown club told The Post yesterday he's deeply ashamed and is finally through with the double life he's lived since he was kid.

"I don't want this to spoil my marriage," said Robert Benjamin, 67, still disoriented from the three days he spent in a coma but sitting upright in a chair in his room at St. Vincent's Hospital.

"I don't want my wife to leave me, but I have to tell her the truth," he said. "I'm going to share everything with her. I think my family will forgive me,"

Benjamin said he's desperately trying to break his addiction.

"It's like when you crave a turkey," he said. "You eat it and you eat it and you eat it, but you still want it. But now I've had enough. I don't want turkey anymore. I'm full."

His life was saved last Friday by a dominatrix at the Nutcracker Suite on East 33rd Street, who was assigned to check on him after her colleague left him with a dog collar around his neck and a leather mask over his face, suspended a few inches off the floor.

She realized his foot was turning blue because one of his high heels had slipped off.

"I don't want to go to the clubs anymore," Benjamin said.

"I'm trying to learn to control myself and my emotions. I've seen doctors to help me," he said, adding that he's been unable to control his desires "from very early on in my life."

Benjamin managed to keep his shameful secret from his wife, his two kids, who are now adults, and the students he taught at Montreal's Vanier College until his recent retirement.

He never indulged his "dirty habit" in Montreal, where he fooled relatives, neighbors and colleagues into thinking he was a respectable family man who enjoyed outdoor activities.

Benjamin would make regular trips to New York where he'd stay at a "Y" and spend his time indoors.

He'd tell his family he was cross-country skiing upstate, then visiting the city "to take photographs" and eat pizza at his favorite Italian restaurants in Brooklyn.

"My biggest fear has always been that someone would find out. That's why I come to New York and never do this in Montreal," he said.

Hours later, Benjamin's wife, Lynn, arrived at the hospital from Canada, but declined to comment.

Benjamin, who came out of a coma Monday and is still recovering from his ordeal, struggled to remember numbers and dates, but guessed he's been married for "30 years or more."

He does not remember putting on the handcuffs, nipple clamps, dog collar, high-heel shoes or hood, vowing "I'm going to seek professional help to get over this dirty habit.

"The doctors told me I was passed out, but now I'm awake. They saved me, they gave me the confidence that I will be OK."

Benjamin attributes his recovery to his excellent physical health.

"I'm in really good shape," he said. "I bike, I ski, I take care of myself."

He vowed never again to risk his life during his retirement, saying he's relaxing, enjoying his time and "doing all the things I never had the chance to do.

"Now that I've almost died, I can't see myself going back to S&M," he said. "If you gave me $100,000 to spend there, I wouldn't. I'm not crazy."

Taki Noriko, the dominatrix who trussed up Benjamin and left him alone - as he'd requested - was relieved to hear of his recovery.

"Thank you," she said, with a long sigh. "Thank you very much for telling me."


 


2/12/2008 11:40:51 AM
First Grade Wisdom

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.  She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.  It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.  Their insight may surprise you.  While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1.
Don't change horses

until they stop running.

2.
Strike while the

bug is close.

3.
It's always darkest before

Daylight Saving Time.

4.
Never underestimate the power of

termites.

5.
You can lead a horse to water but

How?

6.
Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty.

7
No news is

impossible

8.
A miss is as good as a

Mr.

9.
You can't teach an old dog new

Math

10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll

stink in the morning.

11.
Love all, trust

Me.

12.
The pen is mightier than the

pigs.

13.
An idle mind is

the best way to relax.

14.
Where there's smoke there's

pollution.

15.
Happy the bride who

gets all the presents.

16.
A penny saved is

not much.

17.
Two's company, three's

the Musketeers

18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what

you put on to go to bed.

19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

You have to blow your nose.

20.
There are none so blind as

Stevie Wonder.

21.
Children should be seen and not

spanked or grounded.

22.
If at first you don't succeed

get new batteries.

23.
You get out of something only what you

See in the picture on the box

24.
When the blind lead the blind 

get out of the way.

25.
A bird in the hand

is going to poop on you

26.
Better late than

Pregnant

2/10/2008 10:26:37 PM
Alrighty all you Tampa Bay Area subbies Goddess has a request...

 I want a sub to come to my home on Wednesdays for Housework, humiliation, flogging, spanking, cropping, wax play, footworship and just about anything else my little Goddess heart desires.

 Serious inquires must send a g-rated picture, be available during the day and be between the ages of 18-50.

 ~~~ Goddess~~~

2/9/2008 1:11:45 PM
What Mothers Teach
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY .
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11 . My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck
that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'

2/8/2008 6:35:49 PM
Social Security


After turning 65 I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Medicare and Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very
sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said "That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my
application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.



She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten
disability, too.


2/8/2008 2:01:55 PM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked
his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was
breast-fed or bottle-fed?
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed
both breasts for a while in a very professional and
detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said,
"No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."



2/5/2008 1:07:44 PM
LEARNING TO CUSS

A 6-year-old and 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we
started cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm
gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The
4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let
you out." She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and
asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios."

2/4/2008 7:53:59 PM
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1967 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.


2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.



Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.


1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.


2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests John ny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.



Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.


1967 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.


2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.


 
1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 

 
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.


Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school .

1967 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.


2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.




Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1967 - Ants die.

2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated,

and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.


1967 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

 2007 - Mary's accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.   


2/3/2008 7:06:06 PM
THE GIANTS WIN!!! OMFG THE G-MEN DID IT!!

1/29/2008 8:46:53 PM

Calmness in Our Lives

 

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kalhula, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now!!! Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.


1/28/2008 6:01:22 PM
 One day a father gets out of work and on his way home
 
  He remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
 
 He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson,
 
 'How much is the Barbie on the display window?'
 
 The salesperson answers, 'Which one? We have:
 
 Work out Barbie for $19.95
 Shopping Barbie for $19.95
 Beach Barbie for $19.95
 Disco Barbie for $19.95
 Divorced Barbie for $265.95
 
 The amazed father asks: 'What? Why is the Divorced Barbie
 $265.95 and the others only $19..95?'
 
 The salesperson annoyingly answers:
 'Sir.. Divorced Barbie comes with:
 Ken's Car,
 Ken's House,
 Ken's Boat,
 Ken's Furniture,
 Ken's Computer and...
 One of Ken's Friends.'

1/27/2008 10:10:56 AM
So, I have a question and I seriously want feed back on it...

 Lately Ive gotten several emails telling me that my pictures arent "Domme" like and that how can anyone take me serious if I post pictures like that....

  I wasnt aware that there were "Domme" like pics and non-Domme like pics.

 I wasnt aware there was a dress code here on fabulous collarme. Maybe that email went in my bulk mail or something....who knows.

 So my question is this....Does a Dommes pics (as in whether or not she's dressed in leather and has a whip in her hand versus regular vanilla pics) really make that big of a difference?

 Enquiring minds want to know.

1/22/2008 5:43:22 PM
~~Godspeed Heath Ledger :'(~~~~

1/21/2008 11:00:37 PM

<this is not a true story..I do not, I repeat, do not have a husband *rolls eyes*>

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
 
    Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

 Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
 
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a
few seconds".
 
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years,"  my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without  missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't  it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again,
although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

  Stupid, stupid  man
 


1/21/2008 10:53:04 PM
Ok, so can someone please explain to me why there are so many people on here who claimed to be owned or collared and yet, are on here trolling this website everyday....

 I would think, ok they found what they are looking for, time to move on. I have lots of friends on here but if I found the sub I was looking for, I would give the people I want to talk with a way to contact me and say peace out, ya know?

 ~~Goddess~~

1/21/2008 3:01:43 PM
alright subbies....I need subs to go with Me to Chicago, or better yet subs in the Chicago area for a little trip next week.

 Email me for more details.

  ~~Goddess~~

1/19/2008 1:13:27 PM

Beads! Beads! Beads! Woo Hoo!!!


1/15/2008 12:33:53 PM
*cough* new pics *cough*

 hehehehehehehehehe

 ~~Goddess~~

1/13/2008 4:28:07 PM
Ok so I have noticed the number of people who as of late have complained about not getting mail back....Lemme shed some light for ya.
 
 If you write someone and they dont write you back, that means 1 of 2 things. Either they arent interested or like myself, are super busy and write back people when they can.

Also, sometimes even when people take the time to write me, I just dont write them back. Canned emails, assclows and just basic morons I dont have time to waste on those....

 So, get over it, if you dont get mail, call the whambulance...wee-wo, wee-wo

1/11/2008 5:36:59 PM
Im so exxcited about tomorrow night! Its the first Fetish circuit of the New Year....Time to kick off 2008 the right way, with whips, floggers and crops...oh my!!

 Come and join us!

 ~~Goddess~~

1/2/2008 2:23:25 PM

This for my pet....

If it pleases Me to have you kneel before Me
Will you kneel reverently?

If it pleases Me to bind you
Will you gladly offer your arms to Me?

If it pleases Me to touch you
Will you allow yourself to be touched?

If it pleases Me to teach you
Will you learn all you can?

If it pleases Me to discipline you
Will you accept it without a sound?

If it pleases Me to allow you to serve Me
Will you serve Me with loyalty and devotion?


12/31/2007 1:41:10 PM
A Very Happy New Year to Everyone!

 May all your hopes, dreams and collars be filled :)

 Goddess

12/26/2007 12:32:17 PM
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MISSED IT...

**The Matriarchal House of Goddess Ariana has been born and with it 2 female subs find home, love, comfort, guidance and discipline.**

12/18/2007 10:04:01 AM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

12/18/2007 10:00:06 AM
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

This one I thougt of for personal reasons.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?



Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

12/17/2007 1:32:26 PM
**The Matriarchal House of Goddess Ariana has been born and with it 2 female subs find home, love, comfort, guidance and discipline.**

12/15/2007 10:54:42 AM
Ok, so I am SOOOOOOOOOOO excited about tonight!! I cant wait to see all of you there!

    xoxoxoxox

 ~~Goddess~~

12/11/2007 12:45:49 PM
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director



TO: All Employees



DATE: October 01, 2007

RE: Christmas Party



I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty



********************* ******************************



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music. Happy now?



Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty



*****************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director



TO: All Employees



DATE: October 03, 2007



RE: Holiday Party



Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.



*****************************************************



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director



RE: Holiday Party



What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, e ach will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty



************************************************



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director



TO: All F****** Employees



DATE: October 05, 2007



RE: The F****** Holiday Party



Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the ta b le furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,



The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!



*********************************************



FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources



Director DATE: October 06, 2007



RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party



I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays!



Joan

12/11/2007 12:35:48 PM
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

.

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

.

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"

.

"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I will use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

.

He said, "And what kinds of myths are there?"

.

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

.

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."

.

.

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my best friends just call me Bubba."

12/9/2007 9:57:39 AM
I just found this recipe and had to share -

TEQUILA CHRISTMAS COOKIES

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tbsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup of nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle of Tequila

Sample the Tequila in a large glass to check quality

Take a large bowl, and check the Tequila again, to be sure it is of the
Highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer, Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point, it's best to make sure the tequila is still ok, so try
Another cup.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit and damm cup off the floor.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just
Pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to check for t onsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Tequila

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner

Put the bowl through the window, finish off the booze and make sure to
Put the dirty stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS TO ALL!

12/8/2007 7:20:31 PM
So my Dawgs are going to the Sugar Bowl and Im soooo proud of them.

 I am also very happy to announce that Tim Tebow has won the Heisman!! TEBOW!!!!

 I LOVE Tebow!!!! omg omg omg omg omg, I LOVE him, yes he plays for our archrivals, I know this, he's just an incredible player!!!!

Woo hoo!!! Congrats TEBOW!!!!!

12/5/2007 10:03:22 AM
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, Alabama, and
Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
 
Due to the overwhelming current
population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American
Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get
longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba
Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there
are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And
Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head  now overlooks
Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott, and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and
dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,
S. Claus

12/5/2007 9:56:20 AM
New Pics! New Pics! New Pics! Woo hoo!!!

12/3/2007 11:39:31 PM
Thank you to everyone that came out to Saturdays fundraiser. 

 A big thanks of course to Edwin who helped us at the FDS to have a smooth night.

 And of course The Vaudevillians, they were the highlite of the whole night.

 See you all in January at the next Fetish Circuit!

 Happy Holidays!!!

~~~Goddess~~~~

 

11/29/2007 10:03:25 AM
Its time once again for...

 "The Second Annual Burlesque and Fetish Fundrasier Ball"

 I hope to see you all there! 

  ~~~Goddess~~~

11/26/2007 1:49:34 PM
1.He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

2.He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the oven while I sit on the sofa and fart!

3.He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

4.He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.

5.What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

6.What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

7.Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.

8.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow

9.Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

10.Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

11.For all those men who say. "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Well women can say "it's not worth buying the entire pig just to get a little sausage".

11/24/2007 8:39:58 PM
::singing:: I fought the flu and the flu won, I fought the flu and the flu won.

11/17/2007 11:01:05 AM

12/15 8pm at My house is my birthday party, if you are interested, hit Me up and I will give you all the details...

 Im having a lifestyle party on 12/22 at the Fetish Circuit in Tampa for all of My lifestyle friends so if you are more comfortable partying there thats fine.

 The important thing is to have fun!


11/9/2007 11:20:39 PM

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED. . . . 

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver

gets out of the car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed

and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'
. .and that's when the fight started . . .

**************************
A blonde calls her boy friend and says, "Please come over here and  help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boy friend asks, "What is it supposed to be  when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the  picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boy friend decides to go  over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the  puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all,  no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says,  "Second, I want you to relax.  Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he  sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box" .


11/8/2007 1:26:42 PM

Every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'


Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'


11/7/2007 11:47:03 AM
aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

NO I DONT CAM!

I DONT WANT A CAM SLUT!
 
I DONT WANT TO SEE YOU SHOVE BEER BOTTLES UP YOUR ARSE!

SO STOP MESSAGING ME LOSERS!!!!

11/6/2007 11:50:00 PM
Sooooo kiddies, who can tell Me what movie this quote (which happens to be one of my favs) is from....

"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..."

11/1/2007 12:52:33 PM
So, after My battle with cancer and My latest heart attack it caused Me to reevaluate things and so I started going for a walk everyday, doing 30 laps 4 days a week at the pool and Im on this cabbage soup diet to kick start my metabolism, all I can say is that its totally working but Im glad Im single...lol


10/31/2007 4:34:30 PM
REDRUM!! REDRUM!!!

 HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

   BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

10/29/2007 2:12:59 PM
Had an amazing time at the Taboo Masquerade! Warm smiles and many thanks to all the new people I met and the many more I admired from afar.

 Thank you to my 2 very good friends who escorted me there. I had a great time!

10/27/2007 4:12:58 PM
Dawgs Win!!!!

 And now for the Taboo Masquerade bwhahahahahaha

10/26/2007 11:25:49 AM
Soo....Im really excited about this weekend, what with it being the Taboo Masquerade and all. Keep an eye out for Me!

  Goddess

10/25/2007 10:43:06 PM
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was:

'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooo?

It's only 25 cents!!!!

10/23/2007 8:25:22 PM

On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.
 
Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".
 
Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
 
Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".
 
Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
 
Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!
 
Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.
 
Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.
 
Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.
 
The world's fastest car has 7 gears.  5, 6, and Chuck Norris.
 
The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.
 
The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.
 
When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
 
In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
 
When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.
 
The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.
 
Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.
 
Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
 
When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.
 
Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
 
Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
 
Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.
 
Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.
 
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
 
If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare
 
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
 
Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
 
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
 
Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
 
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
 
Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.
 
Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!
 
Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.
 
When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens next.
 
Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.
 
Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.


10/22/2007 11:55:37 AM
"George W. Bush is a great and powerful leader, like a Greek hero. Even his mother admits he is the product of a Trojan casualty."
--JR Ford

10/17/2007 1:06:12 AM

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
 
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
 
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
 
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
 
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
 
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
 
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
 
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
 
There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
 
Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
 
An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.
 
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
 
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
 
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
 
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
 
Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
 
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
 
Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
 
Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
 
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
 
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
 
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
 
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
 
Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
 
The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
 
Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
 
The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
 
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
 
Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
 
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
 
The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
 
Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.
 
Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
 
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
 
A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
 
It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
 
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
 
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
 
Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
 
Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
 
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
 
Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
 
The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
 
Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
 
As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
 
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
 
Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
 
Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"
 
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
 
Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
 
'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
 
Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
 
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
 
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
 
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
 
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
 
Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
 
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
 
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.


10/16/2007 11:42:31 PM

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.


10/14/2007 9:47:28 PM
Walmart has now installed sound and smell systems to enhance sales of their products.  For instance, the new Walmart near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the sound of birds and the smell of fresh buttered corn.

Oh, by the way, I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

10/14/2007 12:42:59 PM
I have never been as proud to be a graduate of USF as I have been this football season. Collectively ranked 2 in the nation, I swell up with pride when I think about it.

 Gooooooooo Bulls!!!!

 

10/14/2007 11:27:09 AM
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!! !.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.... .wrong instructions. ...8 cups of
Water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing...... couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition. ....learned later,
The other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn' t it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. Instructions said 1 hour
Per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there' s no "eleven"
Button on the stupid phone!!!


THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
Female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.


A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

10/12/2007 11:39:15 AM
AN OLD MAN WAS GROCERY SHOPPING WITH HIS GRANDSON. THE TODDLER WAS CRYING
AND AT TIMES EVEN SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS. AS THE OLD GENTLEMAN WALKED UP AND DOWN THE AISLES, PEOPLE COULD HEAR HIM SPEAKING IN A SOFT VOICE...WE ARE ALMOST DONE, ALBERT...TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT...LIFE WILL GET BETTER, ALBERT..."  AS HE APPROACHED THE CHECKOUT STAND, HE CAREFULLY BRUSHED THE TODDLER'S TEARS FROM HIS EYES AND SAID AGAIN,   "TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT...WE WILL BE HOME SOON, ALBERT..."   AS HE WAS PAYING THE CASHIER, THE TODDLER CONTINUED TO CRY AS A YOUNG WOMAN IN LINE BEHIND HIM SAID,  "SIR, I THINK IT IS WONDERFUL HOW SWEET YOU ARE BEING TO YOUR LITTLE ALBERT" THE OLD GENTLEMAN BLINKED HIS EYES A COUPLE OF TIMES BEFORE SAYING,   "MISS, MY GRANDSON'S NAME IS JOHN...I'M ALBERT."

10/12/2007 11:07:56 AM
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same
Complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip
 Replacement.
 
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
 
 The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an
Appointment, then waits weeks to see a specialist then gets an
 x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his
 Surgery scheduled for a month from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?
 
 The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
 
 The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

10/10/2007 6:27:27 PM
My cousin, who is a Dr. sent these to me and I wanted to share them with you...Enjoy!

 Goddess

More Stupidity in the ER

The medical profession (to some) is very interesting. Everyone always wants to hear crazy stories about patients and what not. I always said that I would write a book about the "idiocracy" that we encounter on a daily basis (yes, I know there's no such word). However, I will probably just report my experiences on this blog - as I probably will never have the time to write that book. I thought I would start a collection of experiences or funny things that I have acquired over the years (some will be personal experience and some have been told to me by coworkers). Certainly, I cannot include every insane thing that I've encountered. I will choose my favorites and post for others' enjoyment. This blog will probably always be a work in progress, as new things are always happening and new stories will always be shared between those in the medical field.

The Administration

Were you aware that women's "administration" (menstruation) goes up and comes down? The other day while triaging a woman with another vaginal discharge (go figure!), she went on to elaborate on her ailment that she deemed an issue that required an emergency room visit (but who cares when you're not paying for it, right?). She told me that it feels like when her "administration" is about to come down, and that it only came down for a day and went back up. Certainly something must be wrong - but I think that the problem is above the shoulders, not below the belt :)

Kric

This was told to me by an ER physician and fellow nurse that I work with: A woman checked in with her son who was having an "emergency" (probably for the last 3 months). The chart clearly read that the child's name was "Kric". So, the nurse and physician visited with the patient and family during the course of his treatment, and they noticed that the mother was continually growing more agitated. Come to find out, she was angry with the nurse and physician because they kept calling her son "Kric". She emphatically stated that his name was pronounced "Eric". The MD and nurse thought "well, I guess the registration clerk screwed up again". So, they verified the child's name and spelling with the mother. They soon discovered that the child's name was spelled correctly on the chart. In fact, she told the story of how he was named. The mother had given birth, and like many, could not decide what to name this child. So, she asked the anesthesiologist what would be a different name that she could name her baby boy. He suggested "How about Erik with a K". Yep, his name is pronounced "Eric", and is spelled K-R-I-C. Eric with a K. What a genius.

The Motrin Story

This one happened to a friend of mine, and I almost cracked up when she told me. A good friend of mine was in triage (the hole) one day, when a mother brought her little girl in with a temperature of 104. For some reason, people will not give their children Tylenol or Motrin before seeking treatment, as if we won't believe that their child is not sick if they don't happen to have a raging temperature upon presentation. After filling out the 10 pages of paperwork and scrambling to get this child some Tylenol or Motrin before she had a febrile seizure, my friend could not help herself - she HAD to ask. She looked at the little girl's mother and said, "You don't have any Motrin at home?" The mother replied, "No, she da only one". It hit my friend later that the mother of this child heard "You don't have any mo chirren at home?" Priceless.

The Apostrophe

There must be a need for some remedial English to be taught in the Baton Rouge area. I had a patient's mother spell her child's name for me in triage the other day. I'll use a similar name so as to protect the idiot's privacy, but you'll get the point. So, the child's name is D'Shea. I asked her how to spell it correctly, and she began: "D - comma to the top - S - H - E - A". Comma to the top, WTF? Yep, that would be an apostrophe. Just in case you didn't know......

The Redneck Threesome

Okay, so I cannot claim this one for myself - it was told to me by a good friend who, also (Lord, help him) works in the ER. Picture this: 2 very cheesy men roll into the ER carrying this "rode hard and put up wet" woman who was obviously having a grand mal seizure. When asked what was going on the men promptly replied that they were ALL 3 having sex....and they think her "cummer is stuck". That must have been some gooooooood sex. If any of you know how to get your "cummer" stuck, please let me know, as I'd like to patent that information. That would make for an interesting infomercial, huh?

10/10/2007 11:20:31 AM
REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the wife asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the husband replied, 'in-laws.'


WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

10/9/2007 10:05:20 PM

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.  When it was clear that

Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

 Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

 At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."

 "Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

 "Barb -- it's me, Rose."

 "You're not Rose. Rose just died."

 "I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.

 "Rose! Where are you?"

 "In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

 "Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

 "The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

 "That's fantastic," said Barb..  "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

 "You're pitching Tuesday!"


10/9/2007 10:01:43 PM
Why We Love Children

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.  'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,'explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move.'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.  Five minutes later....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,  finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?' The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?' The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.  'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room' A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:  'The big sissy'
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron.'

6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, 'Mommy, you are getting fat!'  I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her  tummy.'  'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your butt?'

7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,  'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.  Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'  His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?' The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mom.'  'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked  'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'  The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'  After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, what I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken  Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is  falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, 'I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'  Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.' 
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,  'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10 A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too  rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, 'If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?' 
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie.'  She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'


 


10/6/2007 10:32:37 PM
Update ^_^

 For those of you who have been so kind to ask about orlandoservant let me explain a few things....

 I am training he and his g/f who are both young and new to this lifestyle and need the guiding hand of an older Domme and since they are both such good looking kids I was kind enough to offer my assistance.

 So now you know why I am training him to release him...

so stop asking ><

10/1/2007 6:32:55 PM

Goddess is looking for a roommate in the Tampa area. A/all serious inquiries answered.

 Thank Y/you and have a great week!

    Goddess 

     


9/30/2007 11:56:03 AM

I like a CHALLENGE…so challenge me…if I fight, fight me back. But its okay to sometimes let me win. Know that I have my own mind AND so should you. Nobody likes an EASY girl, Nobody like an EASY boy. Tell me when Im wrong. Admit when Im RIGHT. Respect me. My actions and My words. Feel free to argue. As long as you’ll kiss and make up…but remind as often AS needed that you LOVE this…


9/29/2007 12:43:22 AM

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole ?
 


 




 
*I was at the golf store
comparing different kinds
of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type
I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached
by one of the good- looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if
he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him
and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."

 
 
 
 
*My sister and I were at the mall and passed
by a store that sold a variety of candy
and nuts. As we were looking at
the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed
any help. I replied,
"No, I'm just looking at your nuts"
My sister started to laugh hysterically,
the boy grinned, and I turned
beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never
let me forget.

 
 
 
*Have you ever asked your child
a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot
of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining
room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter,
and she was clean.
Then I realized that D anny had not
asked to go potty in a while,
so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said, "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child
has had an accident, and I don't
have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't
have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that
he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants, bent over
and spread his cheeks and yelled.
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to
death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and
sat down.
An old couple made me feel better
by thanking me for the best laugh
they'd ever had!

 
 
 
*This had most of the state of
Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female
news anchor who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict
snow but don't get any?
A true story. We had a femal e
news anchor who, the day after
it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8
inches
you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too!

 
 
 
While on a flight from New York ,
the Stewardess was busy passing
out peanuts and cokes to everyone.
There were about sixteen flights
lined up waiting to get clearance
to take off.
Then the other Stewardess got a
message from the Pilot that the
tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in
line to take off, and to have
everyone buckle up.
Without thinking she just announced
"Please buckle up, grab your drinks
and hold your nuts, we're taking off!".
No one saw her for the rest of the
flight to Houston , and all the other
Stewardesses were laughing
all the way and so were half of
the passengers.

 
 
 
Now, didn't that feel good ?
Pass it on to someone
you know who needs
a good laugh

 

 


9/28/2007 9:36:41 PM
What is Goddes's Smurf name?

Copy the link below to find out your smurf name and then repost the bulletin.

bluebuddies.com/smurf_fun/what_is_your_smurf_name/what_is_your_smurf_name.htm


1. Goddess Ariana--Night Own Smurf

 LMAO*** Soooooo true, how many times have you seen me on at like 4-5am....way tooooo many!!!!

9/28/2007 11:32:20 AM
Being the nosey nancy that I am, I like to peruse a number of different profiles and I just stumbled across several people who have both a Dom and sub profile but what strikes me as absolutely hysterical is they use most of the same pics in both profiles....Come on now!

 How can you be a big bad Dom if right after that profile I see your pathetic little sub profile.

 Stupid boys! and one girl

9/24/2007 11:30:21 PM
Much the same, can't complain. Had an amazing time at the fetish circuit,l loved having my sweet kitty up there on the cross for all to see

I do want to address something...

 If you do not want to be approached in public (for example I went up to a woman on this site to introduce myself and to say how I always enjoyed her profile and she told me to fuck off and that had she wanted to whole room to know who she was she would have worn a name tag) dont put your picture on your profile and for that matter, dont use your fucking name. I swear its bitches like that give other Dominant Women like  myself a bad reputation. We aren't all stuck-up, self-righteous, high and mighty c*nts like that old bitch

*deep breath*

Now with that being said, I am a firm believer in Female Supremicacy, I also believe we are all people, we each have our role in society whether it be Dominant or Submissive. Its something we are born to do and I dont believe we have a choice, to fight our natural place in life is like pissing in the wind, it just doesnt make sense.

So, long story short (too late, I know)just because YOU feel its YOUR place in life to be Dominant does NOT give you the RIGHT to treat anyone with disrespect, especially when they are showing you respect and giving you the courtesy you deserve, not the courtesy you feel you should get.

Fucking old bitch, I swear she just rubbed me the wrong way.....GRRRR

9/22/2007 6:11:36 PM
Going to the Tampa Fetish Party tonight....As always up too absolutely no good so it should be an awesome time. If not there is always the after party.

 Mwhahahhahahahahah

  --Goddess

9/21/2007 12:49:18 AM
Its time once again boys and girls for the Tampa Fetish Party. It was so awesome meeting alot of you and for those of you in the area that have never been you should check it out at least once. Sometimes there's lots of action other times not so much but hell, I go more for the social aspect than I do the play aspect.

As we clearly discovered last time, playtime is usually before and after

Anyways, have a mahvelous weekend.

 Goddess

9/17/2007 10:04:39 PM
Thank you to everyone who has joined femdommesociety I was bored and surfing around and wow, there are tons of you on there. You guys are awesome. Its like having my faithful CM family on there

 Speaking of family, seems I may be joining one myself, damn daywalkers and their gingervitus will get a girl everytime especially when they've got an adorable little kitty with them.

 See you all this weekend at Edwins Fetish Party.

 Be Good my dears, or at least be good at it and hell, if you're good enough charge for it...That seems to be popular these days so I thought I would throw it in there

Peace Love and Kool-Aide,

   Goddess

9/14/2007 4:51:55 PM
WHO IS JACK SCHITT??

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

9/13/2007 3:39:08 PM
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air and then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law

9/12/2007 11:20:46 PM
mmmmm New Pics *drool*

 As you can see, Ive added some new pics of me and of course my new friends.
Mistress Squeak, masterzkitten, her Master Kha0sAngel and of course darknemus
who was most gracious to drive us around and take most of the pics you see now.

We had a great time at the Tampa Fetish Party, as always Edwin was a most gracious host and I hope more of you will come out and join us. I think we are going to make that outing a regular thing for us all. Mmmm such debauchery, you gotta love it

Goddess Kisses to All,

   Ariana

9/12/2007 11:20:20 PM
For the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt, Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

And they say blondes are dumb..
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour .
-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."



1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)


(You're laughing aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

9/12/2007 5:34:06 PM
President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One.

George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney says, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Shit, I could throw all of your asses out the window and make 56 million people very happy."


9/12/2007 12:01:02 AM
CHINESE HONEYMOON

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a
virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't
know that. On their wedding night, she
cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be
reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know
dis your firss time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting -
juss anyting you want you juss ask... so... whatchu want?"
he says, trying to sound experienced and
worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently
(and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly ;
whispers back, "I want to try someting I
have heard about from other gurls... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her


"You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegtable?"

9/9/2007 1:39:53 AM
Mmmmm, to Kitty and her Master.....

Remember kids, monday is practice for Tuesday which is Masters birthday....Happy Birthday Sir, Kitty is giving you me for your birthday....Yes even a Goddess needs a man to be a man and take charge and just ravage her from time to time.

Oh oh oh oh I know...I can help you guys break in your new apt monday *wicked evil innocent look*

mmmmmmm Unconscious *drool*

9/9/2007 1:36:36 AM
Here are some buzz words from my weekend of complete and utter naughtiness...

Manpanties...these are underwear that ladies buy for their men, that are "sexy"...Chuck Norris would NEVER wear these.

Meat Cleaver...apparently when a certain person squeaks some of her words arent always legiable and after I made her cum, she uttered something like that was nuclear, what I hear was get the meat cleaver.

Balls Through the Wall....Never let Liz drink and then take her to a drive thru....EVER

9/6/2007 4:24:38 AM

Oh boys and girls, I just had to share this with you because it was just too good not let everyone have a good laugh...

I RARELY deal wit women from Florida. They are unintelligent and not spohisticated as I am. I am looking for a classy Domme who meets my social and economic standards. i am an extremely wealthy man, a billionaire with connections in Hollywood, the Wall street and the politics. My home costs 120 million and my jet 40 million. I have 4 PhDs a Law degree and I speak 15 languages Having such a power is tiring sometimes so I want to be a slave from time to time.I cannot send a pic because I am a very known person so you will send me a pic of your body and boobs and we can meet. I will send you my private plane to pick you up. If you are good with me I will buy you before I fire you a house or a condo or whatever you like. I dont mind spending on a Mistress 10 million for a month. If you meet my standards of course.At the moment you have my attention. Lets see how it goes.

 My response was simple "Honey, Im from Ga and we can spot a pile of bullshit a mile away. Thanks for the laugh"

 

 


9/5/2007 10:02:24 AM
I have to explain what it is I am hoping to find since obviously I am not clear enough in my profile, so try this on brainiacs

Most people now a days dont want to spend the time it takes to get to know one another, they want instant gratification and nothing more.  I like to think of the time you spend getting to know one another and what not as "lifestyle dating". You get to know people on every level, taking your time as you go. If you are going to have a 24/7 you have to know eachother as people as well as on a D/s level. Its just as important to know if you connect with someone on a intellectual level and personality wise as it is to know if they are just as kinky as you are but if you arent willing to spend the time to get to know the other parts, the kink factor is irrelevant.

9/3/2007 7:23:24 AM
The Naked Cowboy


The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the
street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the
walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and
his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the
world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says:

"Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the
bar down the road and this pretty little red head
asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I
did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and
asks me to pull off my shirt so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to
pull off my pants .. so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to
pull off my shorts . so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind
of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ",

and here I am."

Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist!!!


9/1/2007 4:54:34 PM
" I have a wide stance"

Larry Craig.... former REPUBLICAN US Senator from Idaho.....

ooooops

9/1/2007 3:50:52 PM
On the first day, God created Chuck Norris...and then he sat back and watched Chuck make the rest.

When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.

Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.

Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow

Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.

Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.

Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.

An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Chuck norris doesnt sleep, he waits

 Superman owns a pair of chuck norris pajamas

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris

chuck norris wasnt born he punched his way out of his mothers womb and grew a beard shortly there after

Chuck norris uses pepper spray for eye drops

chuck norris doesnt use spell check, if he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling

If you can see chuck norris, he can see you. If you cant see chuck norris you may only be seconds away from death

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer 

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. 

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. 

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

8/31/2007 4:26:46 PM
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you eat it.

Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the
Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.


8/31/2007 11:59:52 AM
 Old Harold
 
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
 
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
 
Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of ! an ID ten T error before?"
 
"No," I replied.
 
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
 
So I wrote down . I D 1 0 T!
 
I used to like Harold.

8/30/2007 9:48:02 PM
The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.


The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the ! Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice
day!

8/30/2007 2:22:46 PM
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.


2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.


3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.


5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.


8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'

.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


*Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


------------------
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:


On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( I have no other time to dry my hair).


On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?


On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)


On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." ( But, it's "just" a suggestion).


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well.... a bit late huh?)


On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...nahhh... Really??...)


On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because???....)


On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to... what?)


On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)


On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

8/30/2007 8:46:50 AM
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they
were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure
device...A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went
completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard,"

She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You
better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . You explain the kids."

8/27/2007 8:54:40 PM

Durham police have arrested a 93-year-old man on cocaine-trafficking and related charges.

William C. Tinnen was arrested Thursday during a raid at 204 Teel St., police said in a news release issued today. Police spokeswoman Kammie Michael said she assumed police had a tip that drug activity was taking place there.

In addition to trafficking, Tinnen is charged with possession of cocaine with the intent to sell or deliver, possession of drug paraphernalia and maintaining a dwelling for the sale of drugs. Officers also confiscated three firearms from the house.


8/23/2007 1:51:50 PM
You gotta love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding
that
took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper
and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300
guests...

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone
for
coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the brides and his family and to thank
his
new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone
a
special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair,
including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift
for
everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex
with
the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier
and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just
watching the guests reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to
the
best man and said, "F--- you". Then he turned to his bride and said,
"F---you".

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after
finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade,
as if
nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the brides parents pay over $32,000 for a 300
guest
wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the brides and best
mans reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think he might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of
this?:

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends ..
$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion ... $3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui ... $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man..........Priceless.

There are some things money cant buy, for everything else there's
MASTERCARD

8/23/2007 1:51:25 PM
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

8/22/2007 7:24:08 PM
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, 'Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks.

I'd really rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter says, 'Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will
have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
starting salary is $90,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, says, 'You're Bullshittin' me!'
The Social Worker says, 'Yeah, well... You started it.'

8/20/2007 12:22:33 PM
I thought I was drop a line and say that I finally met some real people off this site. Mistress Squeak and Her pet Darknemus, the 3 of us had an amazing time. I think she and I make good partners. I would say its safe to say he agree's with me, but it doenst really matter if he does or not :)

So my faith in this site is temporarily renewed, at least for now

8/14/2007 10:12:47 PM
  TWENTY DOLLARS
 
 On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
 
 This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
 
 Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

 Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million,and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

 She explained that for the more th an three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

 Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
 
 That's when she shot him.
 
 You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut

8/10/2007 8:49:38 PM
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks
past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my
cold-blooded friend."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have
another joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going
to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over
and falls in.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping
him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree,
smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his
mouth got dry, and that he  was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out.

He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting,
finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"

The Monkey looks down and says "FUUUUUCK, DUDE....... how much
water did you drink?"

8/10/2007 12:16:30 PM
Ok first off, it has been brought to my attention that some people have nothing better to do than to rant and rave and talk shit about bbw's or fat people or whatever you wanna call us well let me tell you what I think....

First off, if you dont like it, dont look, its that simple. If someone's body or looks bother you, just dont look at them. Fuck, its not rocket science.

Second, in the same respect I dont have to read the damned posts but its hard not see them when they are constantly scrolling by but I avoid responding to them. Get too much hate mail when I do that..

Third, Whens the last time you saw some fat person spouting off on skinny people? I could go on and on about the number of overly skinny people, the way people obsess about body imagine and basically tell all the skinny people with their bones sticking out to go eat something and then maybe you wouldnt be so fucking grouchy.

Lastly Get over yourselves. God (or whoever) made us all different for a reason, what fun would it be if we were all the same. NONE!

On a side note, for those of you make the arguement that being overweight isnt good for health reasons I completely agree with you. and for those of you who say that fat people dont rant about skinny people because we are too busy eating or doing something fat and lazy, obviously I could put my burrito down long enough to write this rant.....thanks now its cold.

Goddess



8/10/2007 10:43:56 AM
As Ben Franklin said:  In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of  the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.  In other words, we
are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:  Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:   I'm doing it as a public service.

8/7/2007 5:18:09 PM
THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE

ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER

What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment? 
Answer: 
Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

8/3/2007 9:55:34 PM
New Drugs for Women


D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full
hours.




E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding
you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
moved out.






ST.M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.



P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
prevents conception.


D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting
in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.



F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
the urge to flip off other drivers.



M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "


BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.



J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone n umber, or to lift the toilet seat.




A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager
to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.



N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him.


7/31/2007 3:06:28 PM
Taking a break from my usual wit and humor I want to rant for a bit. My biggest irritation at the moment is people who lead you on, get your hopes up and then turn out to be total tools. Never give an explanation and then make me feel like a fool. All I can say is, oh well. Live and learn. I will always give people the benefit of the doubt and look for the good in mankind but damn, sometimes I just get so frustrated with people in general.

Anyways, life goes on. If someone isnt smart enough to see all the good things I have to offer, whether as a Goddess or a friend then fuck em, they werent worth my time anyways.

ok enough of this, now back to our regularly scheduled sarcasm

 Goddess


7/30/2007 12:57:04 PM
The 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, ..he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get
SCREWED."

7/29/2007 8:45:57 PM
A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain’t. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

7/28/2007 2:00:04 PM
 What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

 A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

7/26/2007 11:37:40 PM
A man who just died is delivered to a Tennessee mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.  Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.  He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.  She gives Bubba a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
 
The woman returns the next day for the viewing.  To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.  She says to Bubba, "Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied.  You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful.  How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check.  "Dere's no charge," he says.
 
"No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. 
 
"Honestly, ma'am," Bubba says, "it didn't cost me a ting.  You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.  I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
 
"So, I just switched the heads."

7/26/2007 4:33:55 PM
Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail , and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end , and I throw them away.' Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
 
 
 

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?  They had gone to see 'Closed for the winter.'
 
 
 

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde
replied.  'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'  'No, Silly,
' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants.  I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened . I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
 
A blonde was driving home after a game , and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next  day she  took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde,
so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.  So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her , and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'
 
 
A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos.  She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that ? ' he
asked.  'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blond  replied..... ..'Two popsicles and some coffee.'
 
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.' 'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here.'  The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically. 'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks. 'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a
horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

7/25/2007 10:33:48 PM
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked, "Why do you wear your collar that way?"
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two  grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of  hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said:
"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar. "


7/23/2007 3:51:43 PM

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became  aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He  started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.  He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then
started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?"  she whispered.

 He whispered back, " I found the remote!"


7/21/2007 8:54:28 AM
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Carolinians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer
be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY."

He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS"

He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR
CLEAVAGE."

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

"STUPID PEOPLE" are now just "AWARENESS IMPAIRED."

7/15/2007 11:39:42 PM
In fact, unless you are female or a true straight male, dont bother contacting me. Couples, people with brains, fun people, even if you just want to be friends cuz you think Im cool, Im all for that, but the before mentioned losers, dont bother!!

7/15/2007 11:36:03 PM
ATTENTION ALL SUBMISSIVE MEN, I'VE GOT A VERY IMPORTANT NEWS FLASH FOR YA!

THIS LIFESTYLE ISNT ABOUT YOU, IN A RELATIONSHIP IT  HAS TO BE ABOUT BOTH PARTIES BUT I SWEAR TO GOD IF I GET ANOTHER EMAIL FROM SOME LOSER ASKING ME IF I CAN FORCE HIM TO SUCK OFF ANOTHER MAN OR TAKE IT UP THE ASS OR ALL THE OTHER CRAP I GET IN MY INBOX DAILY I SWEAR IM GOING TO FINALLY GO STARK RAVING MAD....

SHUT UP, STOP BEING A BITCH AND ASK ME WHAT I WANT, GOD GAVE YOU A BRAIN, USE IT INSTEAD OF THINKING WITH YOUR COCKS, NO MATTER HOW PATHETIC THEY ARE!

THAT IS ALL FOR NOW.

7/15/2007 10:59:30 AM
THE LAW OF AVERAGES
 
Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease,
Your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
 
Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
 
Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the
Stupidity of your act.
 
Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
 
Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
The very next morning you will have a flat tire.
 
Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start
To move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
 
Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
 
Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
 
Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
 
Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
 
Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
 
Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss
Will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
 
Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
 
Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug
 
Law of Location
No matter where you go, there you are.
 
Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
 
Brown's Law
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
 
Oliver's Law
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
 
Wilson's Law  (this one is true every time!)
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
 
Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor,
By the time you get there you'll feel better.
Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

7/12/2007 7:55:09 PM
This is The Guilty Game. Next to the questions, put your answers as Either guilty or innocent. Guilty if you have, innocent if you haven't. The number of guilties you have, is the number of years in prison you are sentenced to. Re-post with a headline stating how many years in prison you have....


1. Dated outside your race?
innocent

2. Dated Same Sex?
guilty

3. Dated your best friend?
guilty

4. Sung in the shower?
guilty

5. Spit in someone's drink?
innocent

6. Dumped someone?
guilty

7. Opened your Christmas presents early?
guilty

8. Lied to a friend?
Guilty

9. Seen "The Goonies" more than 10 times?
guilty

10. Had more than one REAL bf/gfs at the SAME time?
guilty

11. Played a video game for more than 5 hours?
guilty

12. Ran through the sprinklers naked?
innocent

13. Ate food that fell on the floor?
guilty

14. Went outside naked?
guilty

15. Flashed somebody?
guilty

16. Mooned somebody?
guilty

17. Been on stage?
guilty

18. Made someone cry?
guilty

19. Been in a parade?
guilty

20. Been in a school play?
guilty

21. Drank alcohol?
GUILTY

22. Been in detention?
guilty

23. Been on a plane for more than 10 hours?
innocent

24. Been on a cruise?
innocent

25. Broken into a house?
guilty

26. Gotten a tattoo?
guilty

27. Gotten piercings?
guilty

28. Cried so hard you threw up?
guilty

29. Gotten into a shouting match?
guilty

30. Been skinny dipping?
guilty

31. Spun yourself in circles to get dizzy on purpose?
guilty

32. Laughed so hard it hurt?
guilty

33. Tripped on your own FEET?
hahaha soooo guilty

34. Cried yourself to sleep?
guilty

35. Cried in public?
guilty

36. Thrown up in public?
guilty

37. Lied to your parents?
guilty

Now put the number of guilty as years in prison

7/6/2007 11:01:43 AM
Just a Few Tips I thought I would share with the class. Lately it seems men have no clue about a woman, here are some things you should and need to know!!!

 Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you.

 Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.

 No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.

 Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.

 Jewelry. Now you always knkow what to get her for a last-minute gift.

 The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.

 Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.

 Girls who say, “I love sports!” are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they’re talking about, are not.

 A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile.

 She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.

 Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car.

 A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.

 “If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.”—Claire, 27

 Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts—and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.

 Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.

 A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.

 Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute—scientific proof most women are decent in bed.

 Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.

 What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.

 The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship.

 If women have an excuse to take a pill, they’ll take it.

 Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.

 “I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait five minutes.”—Erin, 21

 The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.

 She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.

 Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.

 “Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”—Suzy, 31

 Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.

 During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.

 “Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do—lower abdomen, nipples—we just get rid of them.”—Katie, 26

 Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.

 If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.

 Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.

 Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be “friended.”

 They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.

 The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.

 An online dating service’s survey found that a woman’s ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.

 In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.

 A British study claims a woman’s chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.

 When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.

 Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.

 “When I’m drunk, I can’t come. Not even with a vibrator.”—Lauren, 35

 If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.

 Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Don’t point this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll freak and crash.

 Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.

 A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. “I’ve known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy,” says Evie, 22.

 According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolie’s lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.

 Despite always complimenting another woman’s short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.

 Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.

 Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand.

 They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.

 Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.

 According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.

 Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps.

A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.

 If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.

 About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.

 It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.

 Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.

 Women’s public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s.

 “At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated.”—Caroline, 28



7/6/2007 10:48:30 AM
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I
have even done it myself a couple times... but this
one is real, and it's important!! So please send this
warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are
checking for ticks due to the warming weather and asks
you to take your clothes off and dance around with
your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM!! They
only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this
yesterday.

I feel so stupid! :(

7/4/2007 11:37:32 PM
Yes Virginia I have...
yahoo
Aim
Msn
2 myspaces
and photobucket full of pics

Doesnt mean you get to know any of the above...fuckers

6/23/2007 5:34:57 PM
I AM SO MAD I CANT EVEN FIND THE WORDS. LADIES I FOUND ANOTHER FAKE, FOR MORE INFO, SEND ME A MESSAGE WILL BE HAPPY TO GIVE YOU HIS SCREENAME.

6/22/2007 2:52:00 PM
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world
for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and
i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

6/14/2007 9:28:10 PM
Another great myspace survey!!

Type ONE WORD that comes to your mind first, whenever you hear these 46 words. Try not to think and don’t go back and change your answers. Doesn't matter how random - just type it! Repost it for all of your friends. :)

1. Cigarette:
  gross

2. Nascar:
Git R done

3. Relationships:
 seeking

4. Fruit:
 plump

5. Football:
 YES!

6. Crack:
head

7. Food:
Italian

8. President:
retard

9. Wars:
Star

10. Cars:
 backseat

11. Gas Prices:
Inflation

12. Future:
Uncertain

13. Bon Jovi:
 Always

14. Religion:
 Yes

15. MySpace:
Fun!!!!!

16. Fear:
Ignorance

17. Britney Spears:
 TPT

18. Beyonce:
Jay-Z

19. Blonde
 brainless

20. Color:
purple

21. Politics:
Hipocracy
Winne The Pooh:
Honey

23. One night stands:
waste

24. Cell phone:
brilliant

25. TaRGET:
aim

26. Death Row:
vengane

27. Vanilla Ice Cream:
bryers

28. Porta Pottys:
yuk

29. High School:
 Cheerleader

30. Pajamas:
 love

31. Wet Socks:
gross

32. American Idol:
Annoying

33. Alcohol:
Thanks!

34. HATE:
ignorance

35. Beverage:
Vodka

36. Bed:
naked

37. Heartache:
hurt

38. Love:
 unconditional

39. Children:
 life

40. McDonalds:
barf

41. George Washington:
america

42. Rock and Roll
Elvis

43. Work:
 sucks

44. Plastic surgery:
joke

45. Life:
short

46. The person you got this survey from?
sexy

6/14/2007 4:59:49 PM
I want to say good bye to an old friend. I wish her well with her new family. They seem so perfect for her.

I hope that fromnow on life can move forward without the hostility Im too old for that nonsense.

My love to all and my best wishes to the new family.

 Goddess

6/11/2007 6:28:47 PM
Nine Words Women Use

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually
end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question or faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying SCREW YOU, BOZO!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's
wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

6/10/2007 11:40:26 PM
This is from my myspace but I thought it was cute so I am sharing it here...

1. Where's #1 on your top friends right now?
I'm pretty sure she's sleeping

2. What is your favorite possession?
My ipod....duh

3. Do you own a gun?
Negative

4. If you could tell your last ex something what would you say?
Hey, remember how I used to throw in your face how you cheated on me and how your family always hated me well.....

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Nope...well if I think something is wrong with me I might get nervous depending on the body part

6. What do you think of hot dogs
I try not to really think about hot dogs

7. What is your favorite Christmas carol?
Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas or The Night Santa went crazy by WEird Al

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
What time...like its nearly 2am and Im drinking 151

9. Can you do pushups?
I'm sure, but how many is the question

10. Is your bathroom clean?
Yup

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My locket I got for Mothers Day

12. Do you take painkillers...
Sure, I stay away from men...lol

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
If I told you it wouldnt be a secret now would it?

14. Do you have A.D.D.? (Attention Deficit Disorder)
No...wait, what was the question

15. What's your name?
Ariana

16. Middle name?
Shelah

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
Those cookies werent that good
Damn Liana for posting this survey
and the current song playing on my ipod is annoying

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought?
Bought Wendy's yesterday
A Mtn Dew at the store
and something for Joey

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink
Sweet Tea, Coke and Mtn Dew

20. What do you hear right now?
My yahoo telling me I have a message waiting for me in my inbox....woohoo

21. Who was the last person you messaged/commented?
Skrugg

22. Current worry?
That things work out with my new friend

23. Current hate?
That I cant sleep for a living

24. Favorite place(s) to be?
anywhere with joey

25. How did you bring in the New Year?
With the couple I was living with, watching the ball drop and eating sushi

26. Where would you like to go?
To sleep

27. Do you own slippers?
No

28. What shirt are you wearing?
Oh, I didnt know I was suppose to wear one

30. Favorite color(s)?
purple and green

31. Would you be a pirate?
I dont think I could, I have good teeth and I bathe to often.

32. Are you gay?
no but my gf is

33. Do you sing in the shower?
Sometimes

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
The shadows in my room, they can resemble some scary shit!

35. What do you think of people who delete survey questions?
I wasn't aware that was a problem...I think who the fuck cares!

36. Any big plans for the weekend?
Did them already...now planning Klems party for next weekend

37. Best bed sheets as a child?
I had strawberry shortcake, the rest were just regular ones

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
I was married, does that count? lol

41. Who is your loudest friend?
Desi

42. Who is your most silent friend?
Rob

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
Oh yes

44. Do u wish on shooting stars?
Sometimes

46. What is your favorite candy?
anything gummie

47. What song(s) do/did you want played at your wedding?
Total Eclipse of the Heart by The Dan Band

48. What song(s) do you want played at your funeral?
the Which is dead from the Wizard of Oz

49. What were you doing @ 12 AM last night?
Partying with my mom of all people

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I know my son is not waking up at 6 am asking me to make him pancakes...


6/10/2007 8:40:49 PM
Are you a Florida Foot Goddess? Would you be interested in coming to a foot worshipping party in Tampa?

Food, drinks, party favors and if you have to travel far, you will  be compensated for your travel.

 Let me know Goddesses!

6/8/2007 8:33:18 PM
I am completely puzzled by something, well a couple of things actually.

First off, what makes you think that just because Im a Domme I have all sorts of "equipment" and toys. Stop being babies and buy your own dildo's losers!

Second, I still cant wrap my brain around this....What is with all these men who want to be maids or house servants. Do they actually think We are going to go work everyday so that they can play the "little woman" at home.....I think not!!!!

Get a job loser!

I no more expect to support a sub anymore than I expect one to give me all his money and let me rule him over the internet, both are just ludicrous...At least to me.

*deep breath*

Ok well I feel better now....

That is all for now.

BTW...Goddessville is right near Trampa which is near whorelando but nowhere near Peniscola...mkay!

6/7/2007 6:08:53 PM
David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:


# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
# 6 - They keep trying to car jack Dale JR.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillac's approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.


AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NAS CAR...


#1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways!

6/5/2007 8:53:46 PM
"A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on."
- Fred Allen - Comedian

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
- Woody Allen

"Outside every fat man there is an even fatter man trying to close in."
- Kimpley Amis - British novelist

"The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one."
- Anonymous

"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar."
- Anonymous

"No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman."
- Honore de Balzac

"The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin."
- Honore DeBalzac

"In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home."
- Dave Barry

"You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot."
- Elayne Boosler

"For the man who has everything... Penicillin."
- F. Borquin

"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him."
- David Brinkley

"The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him."
- Leo J. Burke

"Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women?
That we may love you instead of laughing at you."
- Mrs. Patrick Cambell - to a man

"Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall."
- David Chambless

"The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."
- Samuel Tayler Coleridge

"If a man stays away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life."
- Lord Darking - British Judge

"A man's wife has more power over him than the state has."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Sanity is very rare: every man almost, and every woman has a dash of madness."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Epperson's law:
When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at."

"A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel."
- Robert Frost

"A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age."
- Robert Frost

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married, then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"It is a known fact that men are practical, hardheaded realists, in contrast to women, who are romantic dreamers and actually believe that estrogenic skin cream must do something or they couldn't charge sixteen dollars for that little tiny jar."
- Jane Goodsell

"Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen."
- Woodie Guthrie

"Most men make little use of their speech than to give evidence against their own understanding."
- Lord Halifax - English statesmen

"Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it."
- Robert Heinlein

"Man has his will, - but woman has her way."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes - US Writer

"Why did Nature create man? Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance?"
- Holbrook Jackson

"It has been discovered experimentally that you can draw laughter from an audience anywhere in the world, of any class or race, simply by walking onto a stage and uttering the words "I am a married man`"."
- Ted Kavanugh - British radio scriptwriter

"Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner."
- Calvin Keegan

"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
- Walt Kelly

"The Average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.'
- Ladies' Home Journal

"Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it."
- Lord Mancroft

"There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says "Yes" you know he is crooked."
- Groucho Marx

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
- Jackie Mason

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'"
- Francois Morency

"I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room."
- Blaise Pascal

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
- Terry Pratchett

"I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town."
- Michael Prichard

"Men. You can't live with them. You don't have to."
- Seen on a t-shirt

"There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it."
- George Bernard Shaw

"My mother married a very good man ... and she is not at all keen on my doing the same."
- George Bernard Shaw

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Jimmy Shubert

"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."
- Gloria Steinem

"A birth-control pill for men, that's fair. It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest."
- Greg Travis, comedian

"Can't you read? The score demands con amore and what are you doing? You are playing it like married men!"
- Antonio Toscanini - criticizing the Austrian orchestra during rehearsal

"If a man is talking in the forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?"
- Jenny Weber

"Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself."
- A.H. Weiler

"Outside every girl there is a fat man trying to get in."
- Katherine Whitehorn - British journalist

"When women go wrong, men go right after them."
- Mae West

"A man in the house is worth two in the street."
- Mae West

6/4/2007 9:58:07 AM
FYI...I changed my location from Wesley Chapel to Tampa. No I didnt move but for the mapquestionally challenged was just easier to put Tampa than have anyone use their brain.

That is all!

6/1/2007 8:26:13 PM
Welcome to Paradise!!!

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God
appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line was for
men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the
men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report
to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles
long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household,
there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be
the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not
fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in
this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

6/1/2007 8:16:48 PM

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day


10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

---

what women would do if they had a penis for a day



10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

5/31/2007 11:48:20 AM
Major announcement from Apple Computer....

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed  computer chip
that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
 
The iBoob will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size.
 
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because
women are always complaining about men staring at
their breasts and not listening to them

5/31/2007 12:16:34 AM
Attention everyone, Ive been had! Someone got the best of me, I went against my gut and believed in someone who as it turns out was as real as the tooth fairy.

So, the moral here boys and girls is to trust your gut, and if something sounds to good to be true, it probably is....

That is all for now. More entertaining and exciting news later.

Good Night and Have a Pleasant Tomorrow!

5/29/2007 11:36:19 PM
Suspicious sex toy panics posties
Bomb squad officers called in to blow up a suspicious package found it contained a packet of chocolate buttons and a vibrator.

Post Office staff in Hasland, Chesterfield called in police when they heard the package making a noise.

Mansfield Road was closed off for an hour and a half while the bomb squad carried out a controlled explosion.

A police spokesman said: "Officers had no way of knowing what was inside the package. But it gave us a giggle."

He added: "They had to act on the information available and had to do what they thought was right. Thankfully it was nothing more serious."


5/27/2007 11:55:35 AM
KILLER BISCUITS  WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP
headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San  Diego , was visiting her in-laws
and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries.
Several people  noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled
up and with her  eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her
head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned
and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now
open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and
Linda replied that she'd  been shot in the back of the head, and had
been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke  into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda ref used to remove  her hands from her
head. When they finally got  in, they found that Linda had a wad of
bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud
noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the
back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until
someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

5/26/2007 9:00:27 PM
The Best Quotes on Marriage

"I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark."
- Woody Allen

"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar."
- Anonymous

"Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter."
- Anonymous

"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."
- Anonymous

"Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
- Anonymous

"The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one."
- Anonymous

"I don't know exactly what democracy is. But we need more of it."
- Anonymous Chinese Student, during protests in Tianamen Square, Beijing, 1989

"Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way."
- Anonymous

"Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases."
- Anonymous

"No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman."
- Honore de Balzac

"I thought I told you to wait in the car."
- Tallulah Bankhead - when greeted by a former admirer after many years

"LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder... It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient."
- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

"You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day."
- Ambrose Bierce

"I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name.'"
- Mik Binder

"The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him."
- Leo J. Burke

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
- George Burns

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
- George Burns

"'Home, sweet home' must surely have been written by a bachelor."
- Samuel Butler

"Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both."
- Samuel Butler

"He no play-a da game. He no make-a da rules!"
- Earl Butz - US Politician referring to the pope's strictures against contraception

"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam."
- Johnny Carson

"Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall."
- David Chambless

"Alma: I rather suspect her of being in love with him.
Martin: Her own husband? Monstrous! What a selfish woman!"
- Jennie Jerome Churchill - "His borrowed plumes"

"The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."
- Samuel Tayler Coleridge

"The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget is once."
- E. Joseph Cossman

"I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you.""
- Rodney Dangerfield

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
- Rodney Dangerfield

"If a man stays away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life."
- Lord Darking - British Judge

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
- Jimmy Durante

"Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences."
- Isadora Duncan

"I think, therefore I'm single."
- Female philosopher

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married, then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy."
- James Goldsmith - British businessman

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
- Sacha Guitry

"Man has his will, - but woman has her way."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes - US Writer

"The only difference in the game of love over the last few thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds."
- The Indianapolis Star

"The Average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.'
- Ladies' Home Journal

"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator."
- Bill Lawrence

"Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it."
- Lord Mancroft

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does."
- Groucho Marx

"Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill."
- Groucho Marx

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- Groucho Marx

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
- Jackie Mason

"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct."
- W. Somerset Maugham

"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."
- Spike Milligan

"It has been said that a bride's attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle. Alter. Hymn."
- Frank Muir

"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them."

- Ogden Nash

"Strange to say what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition."
- Samuel Pepys - English diarist

"The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M."
- Charles Pierce

"Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder... and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn."
- N.V. Plyter

"I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town."
- Michael Prichard

"Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you."
- Jean Rostand - Le Mariage

"Two mother's-in-law."
- Lord John Russell - when asked what he would consider a proper punishment for bigamy

"Men. You can't live with them. You don't have to."
- Seen on a t-shirt

"My mother married a very good man ... and she is not at all keen on my doing the same."
- George Bernard Shaw

"Morality consists of suspecting other people of not being legally married."
- George Bernard Shaw

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher."
- Socrates

"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."
- Gloria Steinem

"God help the man who won't marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her."
- Benjamin Tillett

"Can't you read? The score demands con amore and what are you doing? You are playing it like married men!"
- Antonio Toscanini - criticizing the Austrian orchestra during rehearsal

"Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia."
- Judith Viorst

"Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in life, except for good taste in men."
- Wedding Toast

"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity."
- Oscar Wilde

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Henry Youngman

5/26/2007 8:58:26 PM
Top 10 Movie Quotes according to Oscar

1) Forrest Gump

Forrest Gump: (referring to Apple Computers) He got me invested in some kinda fruit company.

2) The Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert

Adam/Felicia: Oh for goodness sakes, get down off that crucifix, someone needs the wood!

3) Dumb and Dumber

Harry: Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

4) My Best Friend's Wedding

George: It's amazing the clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy.

5) Hope Floats

Birdee: Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.

6) Demolition Man

Edgar Friendly: I'm no leader. I do what I have to do - sometimes people come with me.

7) Ski School

Dave: If you want to be the best, you must... lose... your... mind.

8) The Truman Show

Christof: We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented.

9) The Usual Suspects

Kobayashi: One cannot be betrayed if one has no people.

10) Clue

Mrs. White: Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable.


5/24/2007 6:22:03 PM
Thanks to those who helped with the move and all the prayers for my surgery. I should be back on my feet beating stubborns boys again soon.

Love to all that deserve it..


Goddess



5/16/2007 5:12:09 PM
 
Things you don't want to hear your top say when you are naked and tied up

#1: "Um, I *think* I have another key around here somewhere..." #2: "Oops." #3: "Um. You didn't *really* need that, did you?" #4: "Which end of this thing am I supposed to put in there?" #5: "Don't worry. I'm sure there's a locksmith somewhere that's open at 2AM..." #6: "I promised not to do any permanent damage - but you know, hair grows back." #7: "Oops. I *thought* that was the lube." #8: "Uh oh. If that's the KY tube, what did I just put up your....." #9: "Did I mention we're on camera and this is going on my interactive website?" #10 "Safeword? Um, what's a safeword?" #11 "And this is my German Shepherd, Ralph. I know you'll just love Ralph." #12 "Oh fuck. You *can* untie yourself from up there, right?" #13 "Oh shit. You do know CPR, don't you?" #14 "Heh heh heh. You didn't tell anybody else you were coming here, did you?" #15 "I do too know what I'm doing. I've read five whole Gor novels!" #16 "Now, where DID I put that extra attachment for the chainsaw?" #17 "Uh oh. If this is the tube of Superglue, where's the KY?" #18 "Did I ever mention that little fantasy I have about the tennis balls?" #19 "Lie very, very still and keep your body temperature low. It turns me on." #20 "Oh, um, hello, Officer." #21 "My real name? It's Bates. By the way, I'd like you to meet Mother." #22 "No, really. Trust me. I saw this work in a movie once." #23 "You *said* you could service my pussy.....c'mere, Fluffy." #24 "You like my straitjacket? Cool; I'm glad they let me keep it." #25 "Phn'glui mgwlnath Cthulu R'lyeh." #26 "I did mention I was a devout worshipper of Huitzilopochtli, didn't I?" #27 "I did mention I was a devout worshipper of Kali-Ma, didn't I?" #28 "Oh mighty Azathoth, accept this sacrifice I offer to You...." #29 "I'm sorry. Are the voices in my head bothering you?" #30 "Groovy. This crop leaves colored trails in the air when I swing it." #31 "Well golly gee! This is more fun than pullin' the wings off-a butterflies!" #32 "Dang it, this is more fun than settin' cats on fire!" #33 "You don't need a safeword; I'm psychic. My spirit guides tell me what to do." #34 "You don't need a safeword; it's groovy. I'll just watch your mood ring." #35 "Oh, um, hi Mom. We were just, um, uh....." #36 "I'm not crazy. Yes I am. Shut up, all of you." #37 "Um, I forgot - which one of us was supposed to be the dom?" #38 "Heh heh. Look, Beavis, a tied up naked chick. Now what do we do?" #39 "I'm not really a mad scientist. I just want to see what happens." #40 "I promised no permanent marks, but I bet I can sew that back on." #41 "You don't need a safeword; I'm a True Master. I've read ALL the Gor books!" #42 "You don't need safewords; I'm a True Mistress. I have WEEKS of experience." #43 "I don't use safewords; I'm Betazoid. I look human so They won't get me. Shh." #44 "Uh oh. I think it's stuck there." #45 "I always keep the speculum in the freezer. It's more fun that way." #46 "If it doesn't fit, it just needs more Crisco. Where did I put that football?" #47 "Don't worry if your hands go numb. You won't be needing those." #48 "Did I mention my crucifixion fetish? Now, where did I put those nails..." #49 "No one understands me. That's why I killed her." #50 "Bye. I'm taking off for the weekend. Isn't suspension bondage fun?" #51 "Oops. It escaped. I think I see it slithering off in the corner." #52 "Darn it, where DID my pet tarantula get to?" #53 "Did I mention I'm a narcoleptic?" #54 "You know, the Marquis de Sade was a pansy."



5/13/2007 1:29:35 AM
Happy Mothers Day to all the Mothers out there, like myself, who cant really talk about that part of our lives in the lifestyle as its not appropriate but its nonetheless part of who we are and what makes us so amazing.

 Remember if it wasnt for Mothers, none of us would be here, like my Mother tells me frequently "I brought you into this world and I can damn sure take you out of it"

I love you Mommy!

5/12/2007 10:57:38 PM

BB1. A hot dog at the ball park is better than steak at the Ritz.
--Humphrey Bogart

BB2. Hitting is 50% above the shoulders.
--Ted Williams

BB3. Baseball is religion without the mischief.
-- Thomas Boswell

BB4. There have been only two geniuses in the world: Willie Mays and Willie Shakespeare.
--Tallulah Bankhead

BB5. Nothing flatters me more than to have it assumed that I could write prose-unless it be to have it assumed that I once pitched a baseball with distinction. - Robert Frost

BB6. The hardest thing to do in baseball is to hit a round baseball with a round bat, squarely. -- Ted Williams

BB7. Trying to hit him (Phil Niekro) was like trying to eat Jell-O with chopsticks.
--Bobby Murcer, Yankees outfielder

BB8. Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter. - Satchel Paige

BB9. I never threw an illegal pitch. The trouble is, once in a while I toss one that ain't never been seen by this generation. - Satchel Paige

BB10. My pitching philosophy is simple - keep the ball way from the bat. - Satchel Paige

BB11. A ball bat is a wondrous weapon. - Ty Cobb

BB12. People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring. - Rogers Hornsby

BB13. All I had was natural ability. - Mickey Mantle

BB14. A team is where a boy can prove his courage on his own. A gang is where a coward goes to hide. - Mickey Mantle

BB15. I'd rather be lucky than good. - Lefty Gomez

BB16. Hitting is timing. Pitching is upsetting timing. - Warren Spahn

BB17. Good pitching will always stop good hitting and vice-versa. - Casey Stengel

BB18. If anyone wants me tell them I'm being embalmed. - Casey Stengel

BB19. Managing is getting paid for home runs someone else hits. - Casey Stengel

BB20. You have to have a catcher or you'll have all passed balls. - Casey Stengel

BB21. Pitchers throw problems. Hitters try to solve those problems. - Nivek Alotnak

BB22. When you're sliding into third and you lay a juicy turd … diarrhea.

BB23. Don't let the fear of striking out hold you back. - Babe Ruth

5/11/2007 12:33:47 PM
I believe in the church of baseball. I've tried all the major religions and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there's 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there's 108 stitches in a baseball. When I learned that, I gave Jesus a chance. (she sighs) But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology. Y'see, there's no guilt in baseball, and it's never boring. (she giggles) Which makes it like sex. There's never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career. Making love is like hitting a baseball. You just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides, I'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250. Not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle. Y'see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys. I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I get a ballplayer alone, I'll just read Emily Dickenson or Walt Whitman to him. And the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. Of course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe -- and pretty. 'Course what I give them lasts a lifetime. What they give me lasts a 142 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of baseball. Who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for god's sake! It's a long season, and you gotta trust it. I've tried them all, I really have. And, the only church that feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the church of baseball.

5/9/2007 11:57:46 AM
Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.

5/2/2007 10:21:51 PM
Sometimes I just dont understand submissive men AT all.....but as the saying goes, if you cant figure them out, beat them


5/2/2007 9:02:47 PM
So I got my computer fixed...and by the looks of things  I didnt miss anything...but its good to be back :-)

4/20/2007 12:52:37 AM
This was written for me by a very special boy.

My Everything
 
Those eyes make me rubber, and I drop to my knees
Those lips make me quiver, and so eager to please
To live to please Her, is my ultimate goal
Without Her in my life, I don't think i can be whole
Her words make me hard, although I've never heard Her voice
How I satisfy Her...is completly Her choice
I long to be kneeling before Her, waiting to obey
If She chooses, I will kneel before Her all day, every day
I long to worship every inch of Her body
When I do that, I feel my dick saying "Beam me up, Scotty"(lol)
I want to live to serve Her, each and every day
Show Her what it's like to be pleased in every single way
For Her love I would die, a thousand times over
I'm so lucky...I have a four-leaf clover
Lucky to have a future oppurtunity in Her prescense
I'll eat up every second I am in her essence
She controls my life as I act on Her every whim
I have dreams of worshipping Her, with the lights dimmed
I will worship and adore Her with everything I've got
I'm so damn happy to even be given a shot
She'll be the center of my world, from beginning to end
Not just my Goddess, my sun, moon, and best friend
These words I write to You, because I'm truly blessed
I'd love to see "Property of Airy" tatted on my chest
Now I'll end this poem, I hope it gave You joy
It's from the heart of a very loving, and adoring slaveboy

4/19/2007 8:57:52 PM
Confused.....If there is anyone out there (Dom/Domme only) that can help me sort some stuff out, I would greatly appreciate it.

4/19/2007 1:49:45 PM
So like a complete retard I deleted all that I had wrote and now I dont remember it all so....Let me recap for ya.

4/12/2007 9:48:26 PM
So something came to me just now...

 I realize I want my cake and icecream when I say I want a man at my feet and at my side and then it hit me...

My man will always be King, but Im a Goddess, and a Goddess out ranks a King any day so on your knees bitch!

4/10/2007 12:00:36 AM
Ps...Yes I am looking for 24/7, although that term has always amused me, I dont think any of us can live the "lifestyle" 24/7. Some days I just want to sit around in my pj's, watch baseball and hang out with my partner, other times, I want exactly what is stated in my profile. You should of course, at all times be respectful, but again, I dont want a doormat. I want a man with a Brain. So if you know of any, let me know...lol

4/9/2007 10:54:47 PM
"Pain"
 
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
 
You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand
 
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
 
Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand
 
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain
 
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later
 
Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain

4/9/2007 10:48:07 PM
I want you.

I want you to be mine.

I want you to *show* that you are mine, submissive to my every desire. Mine to do with as I please, to say yes as a good little boy should say to his Mistress, and never say no. To agree to whatever I want, whatever experiment, whatever position, whatever whim I might have in mind for you. I want you to agree that *my* pleasure is paramount, the end-all and be-all of your existence, and far more important than your own, to give me what I'm not getting elsewhere in the tedium of my life.

I want you to kneel naked before me, heels under your buttocks in that way you know I like, the way that spreads your ass cheeks just that little extra bit, making you hyperaware that your asshole is mine, too. I want your knees splayed wide, too, displaying the penis and balls dangling at the apex of your thighs--and that penis had better be hard; it's disrespectful to be limp in front of your goddess.

I might want your hands clasped behind your back at the base of your spine, or I might want their fingers laced together behind your head, but either way, they will be out of my way, as you keep your head down and your shoulders back, displaying your chest and the nipples standing sentry there. You will not look up at my face, my breasts, or even my cunt unless I give you permission to; you are not worthy to gaze upon them without my will. I am a goddess, and you will show your devotion to me in the manner that pleases me best.

I want every inch of your body cleaned when you present yourself like a gift to me, scrubbed from head to foot, including behind the ears and between the toes. If I want you to wear cologne or perfume, I will let you know, but I do *not* want to smell your sweat until you're bound and chained, and writhing in the ecstasy of the pain I can and will bestow upon you. I do not want to smell that stale cornchip odor on your feet, and I don't want to smell stale urine on your cock-no, on *my* cock. If you are kneeling before me, submissive, then everything that was yours is now mine, and your penis is the most personal gift you can make. It will be mine.

Your armpits are to be shaved. This goes right along with the command that you must smell sweet and clean. So must your testicles. If I want hair on your ballsack, I will let you know, and give it time to grow. For right now, it must be as clean-shaven as your jawline. Possessing a beard and moustache are also out-they are signs of rebellion, of wanting to reassert your masculinity, and if you rebel, I will use my riding crop on the tender inner skin of your thighs.

I want you to worship me.

I want, when I extend my foot, the lowliest part of my goddess-like body, for you to bend over and kiss it. To lave my foot, whether it is in a tennis shoe, a sandal, a boot, or barefoot, with your tongue. To worship it, to show that you willingly place yourself under my heel, conquered by your own devotion to me, so that I do not have to exert myself if I do not want to. I'm tired of fighting all the chauvanistic assholes out in the real world, just to claim my rightful place, career, and paycheck out in the real world. When I come home, when I come into your home, I want my birthright as a living incarnation of Mother Earth, the Goddess, to be acknowledged the moment I open that door.

When you lick my bare foot, you will not neglect to suck on my toes. I want to feel your tongue working the tender skin between the joints, and a soft, reverent kiss placed on my instep. I want to feel your lips worshipping my ankles, and if I'm in a good mood, the muscles of my calves. Especially if I'm wearing heels. I do not wear heels for my own enjoyment, slave-remember that! If I wear heels, it is for two reasons; to make my already shapely legs look fantastic, and to grind the heel into whatever part of your body I'm displeased with. High heels hurt my feet, and they make my calves tense with the need to balance, so when I give you permission to salute my feet and lower legs when I'm wearing heels, I want you to show how much you appreciate the time and effort I've taken to wear them in the first place.

My knees are another point of worship; if I give you permission to rise as high as them in your daily devotions to my beauty, do not assume I will let you move on to my thighs. My knees are weapons against the dick-headed jerks of the world who think they can grab a woman's ass in the workplace and get away with it. Many a woman's knee has slammed into the groin of a man who thought he was better than her, simply by virtue of his genes. My knees can be used against you, if you displease me, so I want you to kiss them. I also want you to offer to do anything that requires kneeling, so that I do not have to bruise or otherwise sully them with menial labor. Scrubbing the floor, the toilet, wiping down the cabinets, mopping up spilled drinks, picking up broken glass, weeding in the garden, putting dishes away in the lower cupboards-anything that would cause me to have to bend down on my knees should be your job, and your place in the world. Remember to keep your own knees spread. Your thighs aren't allowed to touch your cock, except maybe when you're lying down, or you have to walk.

My hands must be worshipped, for they wield the whips that are your punishment and your reward. From my hands comes your damnation and your salvation. I can slap you, or I can caress you. Most of the time I want you to behave; I would much rather have you do my every bidding…but if you like, or sometimes, just sometimes if I like, I will use them to hurt you. To take out my frustrations on, when you disobey me beyond reason. Never more than you can take; that is our bond, that I will test and find your limits, and work within them. But if I am interested in expanding those limits, then that is the task to which I will set my goddess's hand.

I want you to fetch my toys, when I'm ready to play.

I want you to know exactly what tools and toys I can use on you, at any time, according to my whims. I want you to know exactly where I keep my flogger, my paddle, my doeskin whip, my cat'o'nine, and my horsewhip. I want you to keep them cleaned and oiled, and lined up neatly in their special place. I want you to keep the handcuffs polished, the chains free from rust, and the dildos sanitized and squeaky-clean. You will be responsible to making sure my favorite vibrators have fresh batteries, and that the tubes and jars of lubricants haven't run out. The collars and cuffs will be kept ready for your disciplining, and the weights, clips, and clothespins will be kept dusted and oiled, unless I'm in the mood to hear the little springs squeak as I pinch them open, right before applying them to your flesh. That flesh had better be willing, too. I will not waste my time for long on someone who will not do as I say.

If I'm in a good mood, you might be allowed to bring what I want on your feet, carrying them in your hands. If I'm not, you may have to carry them in your mouth, on all fours like the dog you males often are. If I want them brought to me like a dog fetching the paper for his mistress, then you are not allowed to drool on the floor. If I want to suffer that kind of housekeeping aggravation, I'll buy a real dog. You will not be allowed to leave teethmarks on my favorite toys, either. That will get you a whipping; these things are expensive to replace, and are my favorite toys to play with, too. Keep your knees apart whenever you stop! Just because you are shuffling around like the dog you are doesn't mean you're allowed to hide my penis from me!

You are not allowed to struggle until after you've been bound. I will give you a safeword, one that is all your own, because I am a kind Mistress, and what we do is mutually consentual-I will even be generous, and allow you a non-verbal safeword, the old Morse Code SOS, in case I've got the ballgag strapped in your mouth too tight for you to get the regular safeword out. But do not use it unless you feel you're absolutely in danger, because if you need punishing, I will punish you, and if you need your horizons expanded, I will expand them for you. That is the job of a Goddess, to take Her servant outside of himself, until he reaches that place that is outside all of us, that nirvana where pain becomes ecstasy, and self merges with the power and the glory of the Other.

I want you to be grateful, whatever I do.

Every time I whip you, I expect you to be grateful, even if I am punishing you for a serious transgression. I do not have to wield my whip against you; I can walk away. It is because I care about you, because I want you to be good, and to know the place the universe has slated for you, that I will discipline you, for your sake. "Yes, Mistress," "Please, Mistress," and "Thank you, Mistress," are the three most important things for you to say. "I love you, Mistress," can be the fourth one, but only if you mean it. I hear enough lies from the dickwads I have to deal with outside these doors; I don't want to hear any from you.

If you commit a crime against me, if you disobey my commands, or deliberately ignore my orders in favor of some other, lesser chore, then I would far rather you admit your transgressions and take your punishments, which will be reasonable, than lie to me and have me later find out what you have done. If I find out you lied to me, disobeyed me, made a mockery of your service and worship to me, I will have only two choices: to punish you as you have never been punished before-and as you know, I can be very cruel and inventive when I am angered…or I can walk out on you, and leave you alone. Worthless, shameful, and unloved.

No other Mistress will cherish you as much as I do.

Oh, yes, I do this, all of this, out of love for you. If you went looking for another Mistress, I cannot guarantee that they would know and love you as I do. They might not care that you don't like anal sex with other men, or that you think scatophagia (shit-eating) is as repulsive as I do. Another Mistress might beat you so hard, you'll be permanently damaged from her brutality. I alone can guarantee the control I have over my own actions, and the concern I have for your ultimate safety and well-being.

Other Mistresses might not know that you like cumming on yourself, that you like it when I encourage you to try and hit your face with your spunk. They will not know just how long you can go between orgasms, or the way you like having the extra-long vibrator strapped to my favorite cock, especially when you're wearing the leather ball-separator and the tip of the vibrator is nestled between them, in that special little spot that makes your eyes roll back in your head as your reward for being very, very good. No other Mistress will have pussy juices that taste as good as mine do, when I command you to lick and suck me to the orgasm that is mine, all mine, rightfully mine, the ultimate gift of your devotion and worship.

I am your goddess, after all. The center of your universe, the bestower of pain and pleasure. Yours. The woman who expects you to offer your back, on your hands and knees, as a living seat for me when I am tired. I want you to acknowledge it, and show me your love, as only you can do.

You were supposed to keep your knees apart. Fetch me the horsewhip, so I can teach your inner thighs a red-welted lesson. They will stay apart, and you will not be allowed to cum, no matter how sweet the pain and the pleasure may become. That is my will. After all…

I want you.


4/3/2007 12:02:14 PM
Submitting my free will;

Loving and committing myself to Mistress's pleasure;

Accepting my role as Her servant;

Valuing every precious moment spent serving Her;

Entrusting myself entirely to Her;

Respecting our mutual desires and limitations, and

Yearning for Her affection and attention.

 


3/31/2007 4:01:11 PM

Things to think about in life:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just fuck off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you' re going to steal your neighbor' s paper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It' s not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique and special. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don' t have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don' t get until just after you need it.


3/30/2007 10:34:04 AM
Since my pics havent been approved yet I will let you know that I had another account but when my mail stopped working I got fed up and deleted my account. Although my profile says the EXACT same thing my old one did.

Once my pics are posted people will know who I am but for now its fun to see people message me without knowing who I am. ;-)

Vertical Line

Horizontal Line
Horizontal Line
emiemi
 
 Age: 18
 Melbourne, Australia