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smucha25
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Straight Black plus-sized female submissive in DC Seeking Local Gay/Bisexual Master Headed Leather Family for Lifetime Friendship and Formal Service/Training
Note: Please read my entire profile. If you do not take the time to read it, do not expect me to take the time to response to you. Effort rewards effort.
Note: I am seeking a Leather family lead by a Gay or Bi-Man and that values friendship and dedication. I am also open for friendships with Gay and Bi-men or male couples. Race does not matter; however, if you are not local, and not willing to invest time out or together as friends, I probably am not the one for you. While it should not matter for a non-sexual relationship (i.e., services under a Gay Master), I have Asymptomatic Genital Herpes (HSV-2); therefore, if sex is desired within the dynamic (i.e., services under a Bisexual Master), they need to be HSV-2 positive or aware of the risks.
About Me:
I am a straight, Black, plus sized (300+ lbs) submissive (but not docile) lady living in the inner city limits of Washington, DC. I am an introvert (& INTJ) who thrives in 1-on-1 or small intimate moments with close friends versus group gatherings. Others consider me to be very dependable, honest, but also be serious, pragmatic, and - at times - stubborn. (I am a Taurus after all.) I am a professional (FOIA/PA) analyst and paralegal with a bachelors in Psychology. As you can tell from this ad, I am also extremely detail oriented; so if you cannot share details about yourself, views, and life beyond kink and sex, we may not be compatible.
I am a fruit fly (a straight female who prefers the friendship and company of bi and gay men) with an interest in the Dominant/Submissive and Master/Slave dynamics. My greatest desire is a to one day serve as a submissive or slave to a Dominant bi/gay male couple; however, being grounded in reality, I really just want a caring, committed, long-term relationship grounded in friendship.
My Vanilla Interests: I enjoy World travelling; Classical, Supernatural, Philosophical literature; Gaming (MMOs and RPGs); Operas, Theater, Broadway shows, Art Galleries, Museums; Languages and Cultural Diversity; Dogs and Cats (I have two Cats); Music (J-Rock, K-Rock, Downtempo: Acid Jazz and Trip-Hop; Electronica, and Opera).
BDSM Interest: While I am truly interested in a friendship that does not require benefits, I am a submissive with interests in the BDSM community. Total Power Exchange (TPE) and the Dominant/Sub and Master/Slave dynamics; bondage, collars, BDSM educational presentations; latex and rubber outfits, discipline, protocol, and service.
[B][U] Relationships I Seek:[/U][/B]
I am seeking a relationship based on friendship with formal service training. It can be non-sexual or sexual service (again noted I have asymptomatic Genital Herpes) depending on the orientation and preference of the perspective Master. Regardless of the relationship, I wish to be passionately cherished not for my looks, race, weight, or possessions but for my devotion and service. Please be aware that I have a strong preference for Asian, Native American, and White men; however, I am open to others so long as they meet what I am seeking (below) and have some compatible vanilla interests (see above).
While I will only participate in one friendship-based relationship at a time, I am open to any one of the following relationship dynamics:
- A leather family under the guidance of a Gay (non-sexual) or Bisexual Master (non-sexual/sexual);
- A poly-fidelity, closed-triad with a male couple (two Masters or a Master and switch/sub/slave) who jointly own me in a protected environment with a strong possibility of future cohabitation. Not seeking poly-swingers; or
- An assertive Bisexual Master who desires a long-term relationship with a strong possibility of cohabitation.
All of the above dynamics would include attending kink and vanilla events and public outings with any of the dynamic members.
If you decide to contact me:
Please tell me, what brought you to respond to my ad; what non-BDSM interests you think we share; what you like most about your current life (not kink); and what type of relationship are you honestly seeking with me. Please also confirm that you understand I have genital herpes.
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Being Me: The Hopelessly Eternal, Romantic Little Girl
Curled-up in the arms of the One who calls me, "His," is where I want to be.
Not for a session, not for a weekend, not for as long as the sex is good, but for every night spent in a long-term relationship where I am loved, by him, for who (and as) I am.
I'm a hopeless romantic who loves watching anime, reading manga, collecting stuffed animals (and sleeping with them every night), gets excited about dressing up as a classic & gothic loli, and it doesn't look like turning 39 or getting any older will ever change that.
I have been feeling awful lately because most people don't know how much I am a little girl inside. I actually hate strangers treating me like a child, or thinking of me as silly. I don't care if people know my interests and think i'm being a big kid, maybe I am - but that's me!
Still I'm a bit on edge also because I play with a double-edge sword when I read erotic romance fiction. I don't mean pure romance. Kindle has gotten me hook on downloading BDSM and Supernatural erotic fiction which (especially on the supernatural side) has a strong tendency for a hot guy, falling for a hot girl (but normal chic) who happen to be their Destined true mate, The ONE.
A curse on KINDLE!
I need to stop reading this crap because it gets me depressed.
On the one hand, I read it because it, briefly, lets me linger in a world where there is equally passion and love.
In these stories: Love really exists. People really want to spend time together (and not just fuck or play with No Strings Attached). There is a happily ever after.
In reality: they are stories written by people who are really good at wishful thinking.
Still the damage is done when the seed, of wanting a passionate loving (an most-likely non-existent) relationship, is set.
Alas, the little submissive girl inside of the big assertive girl, knows she will most likely never find the love that will hold her and keep her as his, because life is far from romantic and unconditional.
And please spare me the BS brush-off comfort lines of:
- "There's someone for everyone" - Which might be O.K if that someone is on the other side of the world and you have a jet plane and unlimited access to the world and resources needed to develop a long distance relationship. Reality - the one for you might not be local to you, and very possibly not within your means to reach - if they even exist at all. Wishful thinking but not realistic.
- "If you stop looking and hoping that's when they will come" - Which is fine if you have an active life that involved being around other people who also include that the people who fit the "perfect, near perfect, or just works" person; however, while a submissive's usual habits -- of working then coming home to play games, watch TV, and chat online with friends -- may be fine for her every day living, doing just that will never lead her to meeting the Dom who holds her in his arms, call's her his, and also push her horizons to new heights with his experience and guidance. Unless she has some really lucky experience to bump into him on the subway going home and they just miraculously happen to bond.
Yeaaaaaah right (oozing sarcasm).
Finding the right relationship takes effort. It takes effort to find it and keep it. The reality being without making some effort to put yourself where you have a chance to meet the ONE, you won't meet the one. It's like you won't win the lottery, unless you buy a ticket or happen to find a winning ticket (and being sleazy and cashing in on it knowing it's not yours).
Being a homebody it's tricky. While I do have some interests in outside activities, being an introvert, I hate going solo to anything. Most of the time I end up miserable after attending social gatherings alone. It's why I have spent a number of years trying to find event running mates. Which seems to be a no go for most in the BDSM community.
It's like how those Tootsie Pop commercials ask, "how many licks of a tootsie pop before you get to the center?" How many times do you have to attend social gatherings alone, before people decide they want to hand out with you. While the first leaves it as "the world may never know," the latter is even more questionable.
Scattered thoughts, but it's all me.
It doesn't mean I have lost hope on finding that one who will comfort the little girl in me; however, I am very certain I won't find him while I'm in DC (where I'll be unless something ground shaking occurs).
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I.M.O. Rant - Liberty For All, but Responsibilities May Vary
I was chatting with a friend today about various liberties people just expect and the price tag of responsibilities over which people argue the fine details.
So I thought about it and said:
people want all the liberties they can get but don't want anyone to dictate responsibility to them. they want to think they are responsible (but in their terms - which can vary greatly across people)
That's came out in rough form. Therefore, as it is worded, it is easy to argue most people wouldn't want to be dictated to by another.
So, refining my thought (which my friend understood anyway):
People want all liberties they can get. (That is a constant regardless)
When it comes to responsibilities that come with having any given liberty, people argue and vary. Most (but not all) agree that there are responsibilities required. These responsibilities very across individuals in their "Terms."
So my view is, when terms vary, responsibilities falter because one person's "being responsible" is not enough or too much for the next person.
My friend was discussing "gun control;" however, I don't have a gun and don't think about what others do with their guns (as long as they aren't waving it in my face), so I don't think much on that issue - but i do have opinions on it.
Being kinky and having contracted HSV-2, I think a lot about the liberty of unprotected sex and the responsibilities of getting tested and open disclosure of results with partners.
Even before I got HSV-2, I knew I wasn't being safe as I should be. I agreed that people should be tested before they have sex (which at a time i didn't think about kissing and oral as being inclusive) and I also agreed that the disclosure really should be in the form of providing a copy of the results to the partner so they could SEE with their own eyes.
Now here's the reality that I have seen:
Most people TELL their partners they are disease free, based on tests they requested. Usually this is asking their doctor to give them all the Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD or PC STI) tests.
Responsibility Failure 1: People don't refrain from all sexual activities that can risk transmitting an STD. That includes oral sex which as a subset includes kissing. While kissing may have a very very limited likelihood, the mouth is an just as susceptible to transmission as the genitals.
People kiss! People have oral sex. People think they are safe doing just that. I thought I was safe doing just that. I know people do this because people always want to do this with me before even thinking of getting tested!
Responsibility Failure 2: People assume their doctors test for all the STDs for which they need to test. Looking at Planned Parenthoods they list 16 (not the end all be all of) STDs.
While some of these are obvious on the outset (and may not need testing) many aren't obvious until an outbreak or worse (abscesses, cysts, or horrible other things) occur, I'm sure most people don't end up getting the full gambit tested, either because they don't ask for them or because they assume their doctors will test for them all. Don't assume, cause doctors are human and they aren't all knowing, so they don't always cover all bases.
It's our responsibility to MAKE SURE we get all the tests. That means:
*asking for all the tests by name,
*obtaining a paper copy of all the results, and
*making sure all the tests were done.
From personal experience, I know people don't do it. I didn't know for a long time that the doctors didn't test everything. So in 2009 when i did ask, I asked for everything (even then not everything was done but about 8 tests were), and that's also when i found out I had HSV-2.
Responsibility Failure 3: People Tell their partners they are STD Free when they should Show them.
I know some exchange copies of test results; however, I suspect most just TELL each other they are Disease Free (assuming they have covered all the tests). To be responsible, we should give a copy of the test to our partner. Our partner shouldn't have to ask for it, it should just be done.
Responsibility Failure 4: When a partner TELLS us they are STD Free we accept it because we trust them.
Again the above mentioned failure is avoided, then this will never be an issue; however, if we want to stay healthy we owe it to ourselves to ask for the paper results. There's a reason why court cases are easily decided when things are in writing and why it's hard as hell when it's all been spoken.
Asking doesn't mean you don't trust your partner, it just means you don't want to mistakenly assume they got tested and find out the hard way their tests didn't include the incurable they unknowingly passed on to you.
________________________________________
That's just one example of how people can agree that a liberty has responsibilities, but that most people don't adhere to the same practices of responsibility ensuring the safety and continued enjoyment of said liberty.
But that's just I.M.H.O.
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Being Me: Uniquely O.B.A.H.
* Overweight
* Black
* Asexual (partially)
* HSV-2 (Genital Herpes) Positive
I really might just start all my profiles with these tags and say, "now that that's out of the way, feel free to learn more about ***ME***, the person, or move on."
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While I do not believe my being any one of these things designates me as a "certified leper" (although some might disagree with regards to my having herpes), the reality for most people is that "birds of a feather flock together." People socialize and connect with those similar to them. Thus, the more unique attributes associated with an individual, the more their pool of prospective friends and significant others is.
Please note that I am not speaking of acquaintances, because I really don't see believe there is closeness there, so is no reason to expect an acquaintance to accept O.B.A.H. (or any person with extra uniqueness) as they are.
So, while I am sure there are many people who fall in the realm being the unique outsider, I can only speak on my uniqueness.
**I.M.H.O.**
These four factors in my life, not only limit who will want to associate with me but also will limit who I can count on to be real friends and more. That's fine because it clears the way for people who are serious. Even if there are the countless jerks (regardless of gender) who will assume these things make me easy prey. Not!
Now to shoot down the idea that it's all a matter of *insecurity*, lack of confidence, and negative self-portrayal. Yes, when men approach me with those ideas, they tend to walk away with their stereotypical ideas shattered and their egos hurt.
The simple fact is that I'm a realist. Being a realist means, in life, many people will assume my comments are pessimistic and self-loathing. So to get the record straight; No, that's not the case. I just believe in taking stake in my experiences and developing my opinions based upon them.
Cause that's how I, as an [**INTJ**][http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/INTJ] (Introverted Intuitive Thinking Judger), rolls.
With that said, here's the reality behind those four little things (and namely the assumptions used by strangers to negatively judge):
**Being Overweight**:
I get a lot of guys thinking they have to greet me with a "i luv big women" line to first make me see that he's attracted to me, and to get me receptive to talking to him. Some (not all)even think "ALL fat women must be desperate and will be glad that he wants to fuck her in private and pretend he doesn't know her in public." Again, not all guys who compliment big women are Users. I do, however sincerely believe, they all mistakenly have applied the assumption that all big women are insecure and need reassurance.
Personally, if I was insecure about my weight, then I'd diet and exercise and pray that worked (cause sometimes its medical and not about binging on Ho-Ho's like most people assume).
I also am of the opinion that if a guy contacts me, and reads my profile which states that I'm big, then it's rational to think, he is fine with my weight.
Sometimes I check with people, because some people try to convince themselves they are ok, and really aren't. I want to know right off because I don't want to waste my time (life energy) on them.
**Being Black**:
Being Black isn't really an issue. Being a Black Female who dates (and submits to) White (and Asian) guys stirs up a hornet's nest of public assumptions.
Again the negative connotations is the idea that I'm with someone other than a Black man, because I have "Jungle Fever" or because I like the visual contrast. I'm light-skinned enough that it's more contrast with me being with a dark skinned man than there is with a white man. Assumption Shattered.
I don't have a problem with Black men, I just got sick of Black men (primarily DC and points South) i'm just sick of being told "you act White" or when they find out I'm agnostic, "you need God in your life."
I will say this, I love prior military Black men, but I can't stand Militant Black men.
So while I know there are Black men out there that won't try to shove me in the "black girl" box, I now primarily date men who aren't Black, because I they have never said that to me.
Side note: There are a good Black men. I know a number of them (who just happen to be married - they get snatched up quick!). There are other
There's also the fact that I think it's boring sticking to one's own. Just like kinky people like to mix up their lives with BDSM, I like my life to be enriched with a plethora of culture; hence, why I travel abroad.
Still there is a reverse issue with the White guys taking me serious. While they aren't saying, you don't act black, a lot are thinking "Black women are freaks so sex will be great!"
:: Rolls Eyes :: {White girls roll their eyes too so don't even start!}
I'd take one white guy who dates a variety of women (big, small, Black, White) versus one who claims he only wants Black women. Again, not to say that there aren't White men who have that preference (their right).
The big push is are they serious about the relationship and incorporating you in hanging out with friends and others (in the long run) or are they setting up secret rendezvous because they are afraid of what people will think.
The faster I find that out (and sometimes it's hard to tell at first), the faster I can tell them where they can take their racist ass.
**Being (partially) Asexual**:
While I do get aroused thinking about anal training, fisting, double/triple penetration (MFM/MMMF), and consensual non-consent play (to name some big ticket interests), thinking about it and doing it don't always result in the same orgasmic end. Simply put I might get aroused thinking about being fucked, anally/vaginally/orally, all at the same time, but I might not get off when doing it.
It's something that has ruined a few relationships in the past. At the time I didn't realize it was an issue. Now I do. Even knowing what I know now, doesn't mean it the past would have resulted differently. The reality is some people don't want partners who they can't get off systematically.
So it makes getting known in the community hard, when I most-likely will never get off in a public casual play setting. It takes a lot of effort, which most people only afford to those they care about.
Hence, I can't do NSA play when a person needs to be attached to invest the time to discover what will work.
**Being HSV-2 (Genital Herpes) Positive**:
To top it all off, I have Genital Herpes (aware since 2009). I don't know who gave it to me or how long I have had it, and my past partners aren't confessing. No real point to figuring how it came to be, since it just is.
Most (aware) people don't list that they have herpes. While I know life and kink goes on after Herpes positivity, it doesn't bolster my pool of perspectives. Which is put a strong damper on casual sex play and even some non-sex play.
I believe in being safe, I don't trust someone who doesn't want to be my friend before playing, to be safe with me.
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This is not to say, I can't attract a Dom. I attract them constantly. Of course, most of those are guys who only read the first two lines of my profiles. So they aren't very informed.
This is to say that while I am realistically aware that my options are limited, I know I have wonderful qualities (loyal, honest, witty, playful, hug-ninja ), and will not settle for men who want to use me or play **social** friends with people who couldn't give a rat's ass about me outside of a kinky event.
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Being Me - Conditioned Pleasure Slave
. . . is not my present nor my past. It is the culmination of trust, friendship, love and control placing me where I need to be. Is this possible? I am uncertain.
Over the last ten years being BDSM aware (as I like to call it), I have stumbled through a lot:
Discovery that I desired more control and demand than any vanilla man could give me.
Acknowledgement that I did not have interests that gave me "easy" or "instant" pleasure typical of casual sex and play.
Regret that I foolishly served men, who used me, without regard for my pleasure , for their own pleasure and who easily discarded me.
Realization that I need a Master who will invest the time to develop a relationship to the point where he can condition me to derived pleasures from what he desires, becoming his Conditioned Pleasure Slave.
Discovery:
My first experience, which hinted at a need for a Dominant's control, was in 1999 before I ever thought about the world of BDSM.
I was living on campus (SUNY New Paltz) after the sudden end of a seven year relationship living with someone with whom I was never compatible. Plus was that we must have known it deep down because we never got married.
I was in always stuck on campus during holiday breaks or breaks between semesters. It was probably around summer break sometime and being a chic who's always been online, I was whining to a guy friend, in NYC, about how I was alone and no one ever visited me. So him being a to the point, more so dominant personality than Dominant, guy said he'd come visit. Grant it I have always been an upfront person, so I told him three rules: (1) broke college students rarely have food, so don't expect any; (2) because of number 1, bring food cause broke college students love free food; & (3) no sex because I had discussed how ambivalent about sex I had been after my recent breakup.
So he came and spent the night - without attempts at sex - just telling me about cultures (he was the son of a foreign diplomat) as well as Oscar Wilde's stories, "the Happy Prince" and "The Picture of Dorian Gray."
During a stop-over in NYC on my way home for Christmas 1998, he met me at the train station, we walked around a bit before getting coffee and having a talk. The talk being him saying to the point, I want to have sex with you. Of course that lead to the debate of him wanting just sex and me needing emotional security in the form of a relationship. He talked me down to giving it a chance (or in more D/s terms, he asserted his dominance all over my submissiveness).
Thus, the "sex" visit was scheduled during winter break after I returned from my trip home. With added note, he told me upfront that meant all three primary orifices would be used. So yes that meant, ~A~N~A~L~ sex.
Diverging a touch
Of course I had always been curious about anal sex, but while my ex-boyfriend, and I, did all the reading, and practicing we (ok, I) could., it just never worked. I'd end up in a foul mood for days accompanied with a major ass-ache. Also, my ex-boyfriend would go along with things but he was pretty routine in that (1) I'd have to give him head (even if i was sleeping and he decided to wake me up for sex), (2) either give me oral (which i never enjoyed) or (more often) just penetrate me, and then (3) he'd throw in some clitoral stimulation (so he was thoughtful there). The routine just killed me and no matter what I tried, it just stayed routine; until we broke up.
Getting back on track
He left me to do all I had to do in the time between then and the DATE to be ready for everything. The date came, and there was a major snow storm, so bad, that the trains and buses all shut down. I was sure he wouldn't be able to come so I just lied around in my prepared room feeling the weight of Dukkha. So I was really surprised when he called me and told me me that he was downstairs and to come let him in.
To All the BBWs Who wonder how to tell when a guy is really into you (the person) and your body; one way is when he pays a cab $200+ dollars to drive him from NYC two hours to you in a raging snow storm.
Needless to say, he had me in a state of shock and in his command, because he wasn't going anywhere any time soon and he wasn't going to settle for "ummm, I changed my mind."
That night he made me masturbate and double-penetrate myself while he watched. We gave each other oral sex, we fucked, and then he fucked my ass. Yeap I'm, keeping the details short cause that's just the sex.
What are some major points is that neither of us had orgasms from receiving oral sex. We both got them from self masturbation and he got an extra from the anal sex. So I learned two things: you can enjoy sex without a direct orgasm from every act, and some people will get off on how you do oral (like my ex did) and some won't (like my friend). But as he put it, "It's all good."
Aside from all the other hints at being controlled and dominated, the topper was the next morning. I woke up, curled up with my back to him. I figured he was still sleeping. I just laid there because I didn't want to wake him up (and I always wake up earlier than others do). Suddenly he reach one arm over, wrapping it around my collar bone, embraced me tightly, and thrust himself into my ass, without a single word.
That totally blew my mind. It was just, he woke up and took what he wanted without asking. Grant it there was some consent but it was a very dominating experience.
Acknowledgement:
Two years later, I eventually had found myself chatting with local kinksters in the BDSM community. I was attending BR presentations and I even managed to tag along with others to a LF&P and some socials. I did, however, feel outside of the crowd of kinksters I knew. Everyone was poly, while I was being scolded for my "brain washed" monogamistic preference. The submissives got off on being beat (whipped, canned, lashed, etc.), while I absolutely hated the thud of a flogger, bite of a whip, and sting of a cane. Everyone was friends with everyone while in the scene and strangers to most outside of it. Everything, to me, seemed casually (which can be good or bad depending on the person) simplistic right down to the begetting of pleasure.
Yet here I, Ms. Complexity, was, desiring the control of a Dominant, but needing that person to accept me as a human, to develop trust, and to train me to be what they wanted. At that point that's all I realized. Even to today that's all I really got. I just believed I needed someone who cared about me the person, that I could trust to use me as they needed, and by them being happy I was happy.
Regret:
It was my fault for being desperate; so desperate to be controlled that I sacrificed being safe and being in a mutually caring relationship. I convinced myself that I was a slave (when I just really wanted to be a slave), I convinced myself I was in love (when I just wanted to be in love). I convinced myself I was happy, that is until reality kept crashing that delusion.
And from all that regret, I now fear being the fool. I loathe the "pretty words" and the didactic prose that so many spew to lure in the "hungry." (I specifically left off Dom and sub because this predator behavior happens on both sides of the spectrum.) Thus, here I was today thinking is what I need realistic, or am I just a freak even among the kinky.
So I wrote to one of those from my ill-gotten past asking if he could explain what he meant (and if it was what he said versus one of the others) by:
"A dominant, who can enjoy beating a sub/slave (with her consent) regardless whether or not she derived pleasure from it, can never love that sub/slave."
The response is still pending, and there was more to it than that. Still this point has been the cause of my recent despair.
It is my fear that if I can't derived direct pleasure from kinks, in which I absolutely have an interest, no Dominant will ever want to play nor have a loving relationship with me. It's why I have avoided public play. Fear of disappointing others. Fear that Dominants will be frustrated and dismayed that they can get me to sub-space nor get me off. Fear that people will think I'm fake and a tease for saying I have these strong interests and desires, but not getting any pleasure from them.
Realization:
Today, I was lying sleeping in bed and I heard the all too familiar chime of Trillian telling me I have an instant message. It was one of my dearest and precious, long-distant and long-time (about 10 years) Dominant friends. Eventually, I asked him what he thought of the other guys comment and he said, "nice point."
If one could die from your heart sinking as if it just shattered and crumbled to the ground in a fine dust, then I'd be dead. To hear my friend, whose opinion I cherish (even if I probably never tell him that - He'll probably know now), just blew me away.
I started spilling over all that I detailed acknowledgment and regret I mentioned above (albeit to a smaller degree). He told me, "You are you." He also said,everyone is different, so everyone needs to accept the different, and that any relationship is a compromise.
But, what really got me; what really clarified what I was accepting, versus what I desire and really want, is when he told me that I need to be accepted for me and to be taught what, the Dominant, wants me to enjoy. He added that it can be done, but it takes time and must be done slowly.
Diverging - last time
People think casual sex is great, and for some I sure it can be. Still I think people try to be casual with things that are never meant to me. Like once on CM, I was in touch with a guy who was fully into Fisting. I wrote him because it's an interest, but when he wanted to meet to fist me after two online messages, I did a quick pass. Some things just can't happen in one night unless you don't care about harming your partner.
and - scene
My Final Thoughts?
I need a caring, and eventually loving, partner who can train (condition) me to gain pleasure from what he wishes (mutually beneficial).
Reality wise: It's complicated and I'm scared, because I live in a town that's about power and material things. It's about getting what you want with minimal effort, and very little is about taking the time to cherish and develop trust and training
So until the day Master Right comes along and cultivates me into his desired slave, I'll just be.
Ambivalently yours,
R.
Note: Being Me is explicably from my opinion, my experiences, my nature, and my desires. It is only a reflection on my life and my specific world. It is not intended to reflect upon the choices of others and their relationships even if it may so appear.
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Every so often, I grow tired of the trying to find that special person who accepts me for me. The One dominant who will love me for me and be my life-long friend. I couldn't even type that without a cynical laugh. I believe people can be fortunate to find love. I am just not sold on there being love for everyone.
Still I walked away from BDSM because no matter how each self-proclaimed dominant of master I served, in the end I was collateral damage. So I either had to walk away, or they walked away. Of course coming from my perspective it sounds one sided. It probably is.
Eventually I just shoved my submissive self in a box and tossed it in some deep dark forbidden corner.
So this weekend after almost two years, I decided to get a variety of e-books, one of which was "Training Amy." I should have known better than to read a BDSM based story.
Fiction is a double edge sword. The people who write stories know the nature of people and they know the most desirable people. We all do actually; however, many people play at being these people and only few are truly the stuff of fiction.
The point of the book is that there has to be time to develop trust and friendship before bdsm comes into play. I am not even sure it is possible to start from online or from a bdsm group, for the simple fact that you are starting with bdsm goals, hopes and expectations that essentially everyone there wants the same thing. People want what they want but don't want to invest the time to obtain and cherish what they seek.
As I read the story (and I am not finished), i felt a knot in my chest. A longing to be the lucky submissive chosen by that Dominant that I have only known to be in Fiction.
Still even now I wonder, is there really a dominant that people look up to, who isn't arrogant with his status in the BDSM community (offline), who is still single looking for that one submissive to love, and who is willing to look past the outer shell to find that special person inside. I found myself sincerely doubting it.
So I hope but I doubt. I don't believe in fairy tale endings, but I wish they could be true. I have to disagree with Nietzsche as I don't believe "love binds and is bound." Yet, oh how beautiful if that was an absolute truth. How happy we could all be.
In reality, people rush through life, because time is fleeting. In a book people seem to have all the time in the world.
In reality, everyone isn't model beautify so if a person does not meet that initial attraction, a person does not want to sacrifice time on a the not so desired person. In fiction, the characters are beautify and always find each other attractive (even if they don't get along at the start). Still they never have to look past the outer shell of another to find the beauty inside. There is no visual compromise. No need to worry if you are compromising today, and losing out of that hotter mate tomorrow.
Fiction lets the dominant be a protector, a teacher, a leader, and a lover. In reality, dominants have flaws, they hurt, they need, they have periods of weakness, they aren't all knowing, and sometimes they lack the capacity to love.
Fiction lets the submissive depend on the dominant, support the dominant, and find happiness in their service to the One. In reality, there are submissives that provide and protect, who teach and lead.
Fiction gives that defined line of black and white. Reality is muddled with shades of grey.
Alas, fiction is fiction, and well that's down right depressing at times. Yet, I know real life somewhere is like fiction, but not everyday life and certainly not for everyone. I can't say where that leaves us all, but for me . . . I have my suspicious. For now, however, I will bide my time, and leave the revelations for the future to unfold.
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Being friends or involved or just social means keeping in touch. I am only one person and it takes two to have a relationship. If one person is nonexistent then so is the relationship.
I am done with people pretending to be something they are not. Just as I am done with people trying to manipulate me to get what they want.
I thought I could find what I needed in a Master, but all I have found in this lifestyle is the same bullshit dished in regular life. |
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Thank you for taking the time to visit my profile. Before you contact me please read my profile from start to finish. If it is not available, wait until it is then read it.
Then if you responsed, tell me about yourself as a person. I am interested in a Dominant with whom I can be a close friend first of all.
Also tell me about your experiences and share the extend of your knowledge as well as what you seek in detail from a relationship with a submissive or slave.
I will respond to all serious inquiries that provide detailed responses to the questions above.
Thank you,
Resa |
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I really enjoy spending time with a Master on here. He's extreme but he's real and like most dominants who are so absorbed in getting off that they forget submissives and slaves are people too. That meaning, he spent time with me, went out with me and just was a person like anyone should be.
I would love to be his slave but I do not have the level of pain endurance he requires in a slave but who ever does would be lucky to have him as a Master. |
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I'm debated about going to the Black Rose Annual Meeting tonight. Would be interesting to hear what they have planned for BR in the coming year.
Still I always feel on the outside.
We shall see. |
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I was chatting with a friend today. He is a dominant in Australia. I was reflecting on why most dominants and Master types who meet me do not understand how I am submissive.
The problem we both realize is the concept of what is submission. To many online and in real life bdsm organizations, The idea of submission is allowing a dom to control something you enjoy doing. So dominants often ask subs what they sexually enjoy or what they "crave."
In my mind where is the submission if it's always doing things that get you off. That is easy. It is also less about submission and more about just fun. For me, submission is doing things I might not care for but makes the other person (the dominant) happy and in turm makes me happy that they enjoy being with me.
So it's an interaction depended state that submission represents for me. Just saying i like flogging and whips means nothing. If a Dominant needs a sub to want those things then It doesn't seem so dominant to me. The dominant should want the sub not what the sub is interested in.
Anyway I get it now so that's life.
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Not working at the time now. Did last 6 months. No longer really think I will find a master who cares about me in the 24/7 way. Too many user and abuser types out here. Far too many people trying to get something extra on the side at my emotional expense.
I was hoping I would make a friend who wasn't out for sex from me but who was in the lifestyle so there was a common bond there. Even if I never do anything D/s wise it's just easier to associate with people in the lifestyle. I'm jealous of my friends in England who have bdsm families and circles of good friends.
Here it's who you know, how much you show off to prove your bdsmness and how much money you can blow on events and toys. Well that's everywhere to be fair. I just miss Europe. |
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I'm pretty busy now that i'm back working. Seems there's no time to do much but work and sleep. Hoping to find someone who can be a friend and isn't all about sex. I would prefer a life with bdsm in it but i'm not absorbed to the point I believe it's all that matters. I want a companion someone who will be around the rest of my life so I'm looking for a lot more then play time fun. Always been that way but sadly seems the bdsm crowd has gone the way of a sex fest. |
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I would really like to make some local acquaintences in DC. It's sad that I've actually been trying since 2001 and people either are in cliques in the bdsm groups in town or the Doms aren't interested in networking or making friends if they feel like the sub doesn't automatically match them. It's ok not to have matches but where's the friendship in the community going? |
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Another month another drama. 101 billion reasons why not to date a married man who cheats, and what's the most prevailing reason . . .
They always find someone to replace you.
Not that I felt I was special to my dom cause i knew he has a strong preference for shorter women namely of asian descent, which i am neither. But when i get sick and need someone to talk to where is he, off in NYC having fun with this new asian chic. Just puts things in perspective. The worse part is leaving him hurts me more then him.
Life is so lovely sometimes. |
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Any bi or gay male couples open to a girl hanging around being a friend and watching and or participating in your play. (If you're gay it's fine if we are just friends without the sexual element.) |
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I suppose i'm literally returning to collarme and not new. I didn't think I deleted my profile but looks as if I did.
I just want Dominants especially to know, that I have been around long enough to know there are a lot of users out here and sex seekers. Don't waste your time or mine. I'm lookig for a confident Dominant daddy type who yes is caucasian and preferably European (English a big plus but German, Greek, Scandinavian, Russian - ok not Euro but it works, etc. ) who don't bolster about being a dominant but who show that they are. I especially am only interested in a man who is SINGLE.
And if i write all this down, believe me i like men who can read and respect what I say. I'm a submissive not a dimwitted drone. |
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| Age: 24 |
| Atlanta,
Georgia |
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