5/24/2009 6:57:57 AM:                                   MEYou know people have told me I'm strong, but I sure don't feel it.. I put up a good front most of the time, but really I'm floundering through the day. I'm recently divorced, living on my own with 3 children with Attention Deficit Hyper Activity Disorder and severe learning delays. Add to that my intense need for this life that has been so sadly denied and I'm an emotional mess inside. I have made many mistakes in being essentially both parents to my 4 children.( the oldest lives with his dad but has no guidence from his father) Sometimes I look at myself wondering how I do this everyday when I feel so damn empty inside, and that really I have no basis for even being a parent having not had a close relationship with my parents. I stumble, I fall, I get back up and do it all over again..I have regrets, I have a million of them along with fears..I long ago forgot what hopes and dreams were, at least for me. Though someone came into my life and showed me a great deal about myself, life in general and began wakeing up the person who I locked inside along time ago. And as that person emerges those long ago cast aside labels, views and fears have reared there heads with a vengence. Things I once thought nothing of doing or being are now like a pariahs gate after living 'nilla' for the better part of 3 years.I read 'Different Loving, The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission' recently and boy did that open my eyes to a great deal of misconceptions I had been taught for so many years. And in that whole venue of reading my mind was at war within itself and with my body as well. Some of the things in that book had my upbringing and societies protocol slamming me in the gut making me say hell no. Yet the whole time my consciousness was saying hold up a minute , you have done some of these things and more and enjoyed them without a second thought. My body too was screaming as it awoke to things that once made me grovel to experience and ached to do again.I feel in a way that because of hit or miss life experiences for the past 3 years, that I am like a Submissive virgin if you will. I have all the same fears I did the first time I feel into this world and found what had been missing for so long. At the same time I have past experiences to draw upon and know when I am with a Dominant person that I can connect with most of those thoughts and fears seem to fade away like a puff of smoke. Could it be those fears are just my way of protecting myself ? Of course they are..This life, this calling of my soul to one who is Dominant and can harness who I am.. It's part of me,It's all consuming , It is as precious as the air I breath, the water I drink and the food that sustains my life. This call to submission runs through my viens like an adiction but one that cannot be broken, for to break this addictions, this craving, this unquenciable thirst would be to place a gun to my head and pull the trigger.I am strong because I have to be, But inside I am just me..I am a woman who needs to be at the feet of a Dominant, to see the fathomless depths of his pride, love and ownership for me. To hear the tones of his voice play along my senses like a symphony written only for my soul, to feel his touch as it scalds my flesh showing me who I belong to with the lightest of caresses or the sharp sting of his will. Why am I who I am? That is like asking why the wind blows, why the tides come and go, why the sun rises and sets, why the moon runs from a shard to full , why the grass is green.. These things have always been and always will be what they are and what they do.. I just is.. I am just me because I was meant to be this way.* This started out as a e-mail to someone who messaged me, I thought I'd share it here.. Thank you to the one who messaged me .. You know who you are.*

5/24/2009 6:16:58 AM: SO another weekend sitting home pondering lifes mysteries, the paths that I have taken and those yet to reveal themselves to me..A wise Dominant recently made me realize that I already have to many 'what if's ' and regrets in my life and maybe I should chose my path with a bit more levity so I do not add to the what if's and regrets. Though I have a very long list of regrets that I could post and whine about , I will spare anyone who reads this my old stories. Instead, I will be concentrating more on whats important in my life. 1. Fixing what I feel is wrong with me.2.Helping my children grow and get past educational delays.3.Spend more time as a family.4. Stop worrying about what people think that are not part of my circle.5. Stop suppressing my true self for anyone and learn how to be comfortable in my own skin.There have been several people on this site both past and present who have given great advice or shared stories by email or by their journal entries that are greatly appreciated. There are those whom I have met personally that I will always respect and thank for the time they allowed me.My biggest thank you goes out to all those serving in our armed forces  and their families e they past , present or future. Be they Stateside or abroad.. Your devotion and courage will always be appreciated. Come home safely to family , friends and a country who adores you for you convictions, devotion and  sacrifices.Have a safe and happy Memorial day !!

5/22/2009 4:28:07 PM: Wow.. Been a really crappy week with a few sad yet happy events..I found yesterday out that the PA school district let my daughter slide through with severe learning disabilities, then found out I wouldn't be spending the time with Sir that was planned out for the week end. Today was hard, disappointing and just heart wrenching because of the issues at hand.. I've cried a bit more than I like to admit the past couple of days over things I have no control over..Then today after being disappointed and sad I went to the post office to get my mail..My final divorce papers were there..I'm finally free of a marriage that brought way to many tears. It was a sad, disappointing,happy all at the same time..Sorta like another failure documented , but at the same time I had courage enough to go it on my own with three kids and move back home (600 miles away). Sad also because I loved my father - in - law dearly and found out he has 4 months left to live. It hurts that I won't be there to help take care of him.. All I can do is write him and remind him he is loved.. So now all I can do is try to keep my chin up and get through everyday hoping things work out with Sir and try to find things to smile about. Sir is an amazing man who I was so blessed to have want to help me become the slave I once was.. It's so refreshing to find someone who listens, teaches and guides without being obnoxious.. He really is one of a kind.

5/21/2009 5:58:58 PM: Been a crappy week and a very crappy day.. There is only one other pain that can match disappointment and a pained heart when the life you love is always within grasp but never fully clutched in your hand.. That other pain is the pain of a mother watching her children struggle, become frustrated and hurt as deep as a dagger cutting through ones soul and knowing it won't end anytime soon.

5/14/2009 10:50:45 AM: Things went well with Sir yesterday. He has decided to take me on being the biggest challenge he has faced..I know I will have a lot of work to do to acchieve what he wants of me.. Owned by slutdogg