12/26/2014 8:06:28 AM: “He drank in her misery like fine wine, savoring every drop, letting it soothe his mind, his tension flowing out the fingertips that held the paddle.” My deep connection with pain and how it is processed…..I am helplessly there again, body and mind craving the evil bitter taste of sweet pain…… Masochism is my need to take me to release, a terrifying and sick word to many , but so dark and twisted as it is, to me it is salvation, a need to bring release to my mind and body the daily collection of sadness and pain that i fear to face. As you know very well about me is that I have no shame in being a woman and the weaker of the two in this twisted beautiful dance.. And never do I feel bad about being submissive and needing to be beneath foot.It’s not just a hunger. It’s a path. And it starts and ends in the same places as any story of deep trust and melting of the opposite Minds occur. It’s just that instead of a companion of love, I merely need a guide to take my body and mind to a place of gratification gained from pain, deprivation, and degradation,I will follow your mind to the end of the earth and back  as long as this amazing melding of opposites, pain, pleasure, fear, power plays its beautiful sick perverted song is part of what we have. It begins at a place of hunter and prey. The nervous laughter and sighs slipping from my mouth that thrills the sadistic creature in you, and the dark strength in your eyes that i can’t look away from. The brushing touch that makes mind freeze in panic but yet everything else inside me rushes around . Every cell in my body is open to everything this dark stranger called pain can give me, make me. Use me. And then it happens like it has so many times. A wave of surrender shuts off feeling in every nerve of my body goes numb. Pain shocks me with pleasure, leaving me completely at the mercy of your needs that so beautifully feed off of mine. At that moment I finally arrive at that place of no will and no self, just immense awareness of nothingness. My mind and body floating again at the mercy of your needs, the blissful place of non existence that i wish would never end. Then It happens I am jolted back to my existence, of being, the piercing pain that both can take me to a place of peace and in a milisecond to a place of complete self annihilation that so beautifully releases all of my fears, sadness frustrations that I pack neatly in a box and tuck it away in the pit of my being to be released the next time this sick and twisted song and dance returns in with another dark stranger to feed my mind and twisted needs while feeding and taking his needs and mind to new levels of opposite existence to mine. “I think about the meaning of pain. Pain is personal. It really belongs to the one feeling it. Probably the only thing that is your own. I like mine.” Henry Rollins

12/23/2014 2:25:12 PM: Bad headspace fricking sucks man.... Need Him....to feel His touch again, to feel His pain again.... Christmas without Him...Birthday without HIm....Cannot wait to be in His arms again....

11/7/2014 12:48:15 PM: Note to self.....Do not open mail from handsome strangers with stories of what they would like to do to your depraved body while on ORGASM DENIAL!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!New note to self....Do not turn on radio either, even it is tormenting her playing Ginuwine's  'Pony' seriously hahahaha DAMMIT!!!

11/3/2014 6:15:54 AM: “He drank in her misery like fine wine, savoring every drop, letting it soothe his mind, his tension flowing out the fingertips that held the paddle.” ― Verity Ant

10/10/2014 5:33:15 PM: Perhaps it is time for a little fun and release for this little pain slut or what i prefer to be called putita de dolor... that is sooo me ;)  Let the beautiful thudding pain begin till that very  second the intensity is beyond explanation and all goes numb and the epinephrine and endorphins kick in and the blissful floating from cloud to cloud incoherently begins ::smile:: mmm yes....