I know it's been awhile. So much hss happened! He is finishing grad school. Then I don't know what our next adventure Will be. We are 24/7 D/s and I love it! We will probably get married in May :) We still fuck at least 1x prr day but try to get in 2 or 3.  Amazing

-stream of consciousness writing-

I am still learning so much about my Owner.

He *does* love me in a really intense kind of way. He moans when I touch him in his sleep. He pulls me in and does not even remember doing it.

He fingered me one night in his sleep. It was hot. He does not remember doing it. -cute-

I question him when he is sleeping. I know I am a part of his subconscious. He wants to marry me because he wants me all to himself, for life.

He is not interested in other women. I am enough. I please him in every way possible. I serve him and it serves me best.

He loves my cooking. I make sure he has clean clothes, his shirts are always hung up, in colored order, his towel is always fresh, his glasses are always frozen so his drink stays cold. I hand make butter because he loves it so much. I bake bread because I like to make sure it is healthy. It is rare for me to make anything from a box. He is so appreciative and that makes my heart sing.

I am a 1950's housewife. I always have been. I always will be. He loves that about me. I love being that for him.

I wish we would had met so many years ago. For now, we will make the best of the time we have left together. I will make his life the best it can be.

I have proven, no limits. I will do anything for him. My greatest fear is disappointing him.

I hate when he leaves.

We have started an awesome business together. I want it to succeed so he can be proud of his creation.

He is so smart. I am so lucky and blessed.

He says he has never felt this way about anyone. I believe him. He has never been "in love". I love that I am his first. He said he has had fun in the past but that is all is ever was. I do not question that or he would have married the other ones. But he has chosen me. I am his one. He is my one, only, and everything.

So I am not sure if anyone is putting together who my Dom is but if you have been reading my journals over the past year, my Dom is the "best sex of my life guy". LOL. It is so funny that I look back to last November and that is who he was to me then. Now? He is my fiancee. We are living a beautiful apartment and we fuck all the time. Well, HE thinks we fuck all the time. I, can never get enough. I am such a fucking whore.

I still feel like there is something missing. I think it is because I want him so much and he is very laid back and casual about it all. I feel like I am clawing at him for attention, love, etc. He gives it all to me so I am not sure what my problem is. I guess I never feel like I turn him on like he turns me on. He is very in control of himself and it drives me crazy that I do not have the ability to drive him crazy in return. He fucks me when he feels like it. He has this crazy ability to not lose control and just take me when I am messing with him. I, however, can barely be in his presence without being all over him. I have never seen a guy like him before. But then again I have never had someone able to fuck me for 4 hours straight and make me cum so fucking hard. I am SO blessed.

Mmmm looks like we are going to be married next year! OMG I am SO in love with my Owner!

YAY ok...finally. He has taken me. He is in full ownership mode. I am happy and settled and calm.

He still has not asked me to change my . It is kinda funny at this point. Is he just not noticing or what?

He is saying all the things I have longed to hear. He has explained so much and his behavior all makes sense to me now.

He admitted he is in face in love with me. I am waiting for him to say it on his own, spontaneously because he really feels it.

We are looking for apartments right now. The thought of being his 24/7 makes me intensely happy. Though I am still at odds with the other girl thing, it is not nearly as painful as it used to be. He is my one, I wish I could be his too. But I am missing critical components that he needs and I understand that. I can not be everything. 20 years ago I could have.

OMG I am happy. I am sleeping well, I breath easy, no stress.

Still no request to change my profile. I feel a little like I am getting away with something. However, I also feel that a D needs to be on top of his game. So if he isn't catching it, then I am not going to say anything.

SO the weekend. Yea. It went well. He was kind and sweet, appreciated what I did for him. I feel like I served him well. He still will not tell me he is "In Love" with me because he can not define what that means. Yet, in his profile he very specifically lays out exactly what he wants and has yet to tell me I fit those criteria. Until he thinks I do, I am not truly his and I am not his "one" and he is not "in love" with me. So for now, we plan as if I am all of the aforementioned. But until I get 100% assurance that I AM everything, I will not unroot my life.

I will not accept his collar until I know. For me, my collar is scarification. It is permanent and I need him 100% sure I am his one. Though he wants more than one, I need to know that I am his primary one. He does not like the idea of a primary but I think it is going to be a natural occurrence because of age and station in the household. I have a life experience that a 20-something does not have. It does not mean I am better, it means I am more experienced is all.

I feel as though I need to stop telling him I am "in love" with him. He needs to say it now. He knows how I feel and I am going to leave it at that. I am done putting it in his face and getting "I'm aware" back. I am not hurt by his response. Please do not misunderstand me. I appreciate his honesty and willingness not to say something he does not mean. I only hope he can understand my position that I will refuse to uproot anything until I know and he knows I am his one.

I am breathing better today than I have for the last 6 weeks. I am jealous beyond all perception over his ex-girlfriend. He has been incredibly sweet and helpful in saying all the right things to get me through that process. Because of him,  I am slowly getting over it. I know it is driving him crazy but I am hurt. I can never thank him enough for helping me through it. I can only imagine how fucking annoying I am being about it. I want to know I am better than her. It is what I need to know, not just hear.

In fact, I want to be the best at everything he has ever had. I will  never feel secure until I know that.

i often sit and think about the sounds my D makes when He is fucking me. i can think about them and instantly get wet. When He cums, it is divine. JUst typing about it, gives me butterflies. He is not overly noisy, which i love, but it is enough that i know He is enjoying what is happening. At least that is my hope. i mean, the submissive little fat whore that likes to put doubt into my head, tells me that He acts that way with everyone He fucks. i want to ask him but i am not sure i want to know the answer.

i want to be the best. Whatever that takes. i will do anything to be the best fuck He has ever had. i am constantly asking for feedback but i never feel i get enough of it. Though He does say that i give really good head. That always makes me feel really good and makes me want to do it more.

i want Him to say more about all the things He likes. i am quite aware of all the things He hates about me. They make me sad and obsessive over fixing myself asap. i am supposed to see HIm this weekend and i want to so badly but i want to also wait until i am at a proper weight and had plastic surgery. i hate that He looks at me when i know he is disgusted by what He sees. i don't like my body either so He is not alone.

He is saying He loves me but i am not feeling it like i used to. Before his fucktard Vanilla ex-gf, i knew He loved me. Now, not so sure. He did talk about collaring me tonight. i beamed. i think i am ready but i need to think about it under His collar. i know i want to be collared but i think He needs to understand what that really really really means!

i am in love with Him. He loves me but is not in love with me. i need that to happen before i can wear his collar. i need to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that He can not live without me.

He is still allowing my profile to show unowned. Before Fucktard Vanilla, He would have never allowed that. Fucktard Vanilla changed how He is Domming me. It is almost like He lost his edge? i kinda brought it up and he brought up boundaries. So maybe that is what He is afraid of and why He hasn't taken me in hand yet? My submissive little fat self says that "He's just not that into you". But then He will say something incredible and my doubts fades.

But at what point will He leave again bc i am not good enough? Days? Weeks? Months even?

i feel like a great slave/submissive but if i am not, He can change me to what He wants! I just wish He would! Damn i love him.

My submission is at a new level. It is incredible. Incredibly comfortable and incredibly freeing.

i spoke with someone once that said when he would punish his subs he would not let them have his cum. my first thought was "well they probably do not want it anyway." NOW, i totally get it.

My Dom and i were together this weekend. i sat at his feet. There was no where else i wanted to be. i was comfortable there. His watchful eye and touch on me. Feeling a sense of submission and love when He would lightly touch me. Reassurance that i am His and He loves me.

He wanted me to wash Him after anal so He could use the other holes i have. As i was washing him off, a long string of pre-cum came out. I bent down and got it into my mouth and swallowed it. He said nothing. i am not sure it even phased Him. i, on the other hand, wanted His cum. In me, on me, i don't care. It is a gift. A reward for making him physically happy. He came a lot inside me. I washed in the shower but did not overly wash my pussy. i wanted to keep his cum inside me. i wanted to put my fingers into myself and taste him, wherever and whenever i wanted to. Last night as i was talking on the phone with Him, i put my fingers onto my pussy and i could smell His cum still inside me. i was absolutely overjoyed that i still carried our time together inside me. i could smell or taste Him whenever i wanted. This morning, i washed but not too much. i wanted to try to keep as much of Him inside me as possible. Sadly He is starting to fade away. i am sad. i miss him. i want his cum in me, on me, in my face, i do not even care! i would be honored to have his cum anywhere He chooses to put it.

i have never wanted someone like this before. i am in awe of my own feelings for Him. Now i want Him to love me like i love Him. 

OMG i love Him so much!

He was my first real Dom. He knows me better than anyone else in this capacity. And bc i can be honest with Him, without judgment, He knows me better than anyone else.

He still does not say all i want to hear, He probably never will bc it is not who He is. i take the breadcrumbs He does give me, and bury them away to my happy place.

i lay at his feet, it is where i belong. It is where i want to be, always. i have never been so comfortable.

The sassy could not come out fast enough, the venom, never venomous enough. i needed the pain and attention from Him. i was afraid of wearing Him out, but He is strong and can keep delivering. i am a thankful submissive.

i drove "home" and yet, i felt like home was at His feet. There are things i wanted to do to Him that I feel are submissive but thought would freak Him out. Like washing His feet. i love that he forced me into the shower to wash Him. It has become something that i feel blessed to be asked to do. As i bend down at his feet to quickly wash them, i wanted to drop to my knees and wash his feet better. i do not have a foot fetish, but i felt it was a very submissive thing to do and something i wanted to do to show my submission. i held back, as usual. Not bc i am afraid of judgment but i am deathly afraid of release. He has so many excuses to release me, all valid, but i do not want to do anything to add to that list. He has already released me a few times and the devastation is palpable. i can not function.  

He does not find me beautiful. i need to work on it. i am consulting my plastic surgeon again. i want Him to see that though i am disgusting, some others still want me. i want Him to see that i am valuable and i love Him. i try to make Him jealous but He never is. He knows that He can do better than me. i am thankful, again, that He has chosen me, at least for now, to serve Him. i know He will replace me soon. It is only a matter of time. i am fat and old, hardly worth keeping. But i will do my best to serve Him well until that fateful day is upon me once again. i want his love and acceptance so badly. The hurt and need for it is so deep it makes me nauseated sometimes.

i watched Him sleep this morning. So peaceful. Things have changed between us. He had a taste of a young, fit, girl and it is what He likes. He caught me watching Him and said "Oh God". Before, i would have gotten a smile, a kiss, a "good morning". His disgust with me is felt and i am not sure even He knows He is doing it. i love him too much to let go even though i know it is coming again. He wants what i am not. Young, hot, fit. i will try hot and fit but i can not change my age.

i want him dripping all over me with i love you's and i missed you's and you are what i wants but i need to be happy with Him taking my old ugly ass back and stop wishing for things. i am so happy, i am, but i am dripping and exploding inside with "omg" "omg" "omg". i want to say so much and i know all i will get back is "I am aware". i always give him credit for not saying anything He does not feel but that is almost worst. When i tell Him that i am in love with him and his response is "I am aware", it hurts, a lot. But He is just being honest.

I feel like I have so much to say I am about to burst!

So I am struggling with this. OK I can get the most amazing sex of my life but I do not want him as my Dom. He wants more than I can give. He thinks I am beautiful and I love that. I just caught up in who he is. Don't get me wrong, he is hot, of course, but he is also almost more sexual than I am? Though that is still hard for me to believe, I think it may actually be true. He is involved in some things that I would like to watch though.

He told me tonight that he is going to own me and I flat out told him he would NEVER own me. I do not think he liked that answer but it is true. I think I need to take on his lovely 10 inches and leave it at that. My fear is that I will want more than a one night thing. I do not want to be His, ever. I want to have sex and that is it. Nothing more.

So I am supposed to see him Thurs and Fri. I am not sure I can take him more than 1 time a week LOL but it depends on how slow he goes with me. He fucks, hard and I need to be stretched before he goes at me like that. And I am pretty sure anal is out of the fucking question. And I have come to love it so much :( Kind of a bummer he is so frickin huge. But it is his size and experience that intrigues me the most. He is also tall, super muscular, and cute. SO he really does fit everything I want I just can not be who he wants me to be. And I will never try to change him either. He said if I become his, he will want marriage. Another scary prospect for me. Though I am likely moving out soon, it will not be to get married again to someone else.

So that puts me back to square one. Finding the right Dom. I am somewhat enjoying the search. I am meeting a lot of really cool people.

I mean one night, I was sitting on a couch next to a new guy and he put his hand on my knee. We sat and watched a TV show and he never moved his hand. It was so adorable. It was like he wanted me there, next to him. So cute! Oh and the sex was the best ever!

I never thought I craved touch but I do. I mean up to this point I always considered myself a "non-touchy feely" person but that has really changed. A change that greatly surprises me actually. I am becoming more and more fascinated with whom I am growing into. My changes never seem to be ending and I like it.

There are some things that have never changed. I crave, with every ounce of myself, to serve and be praised for serving well. I want so much to be someone's sex slave/fucktoy/ owned whore. I feel like my always wet and always waiting pussy/mouth/ass is being wasted when it could be used hard and nasty all the time. Would I would not do to greet my Owner at the door, on my knees, suck him if he wants, to put me wherever he wants to take me and fuck me wherever and for however long he wants. Ugh! I can't believe it can be so hard to find that perfect match to use me.

I got whipped hard Saturday night. As I sat down on the couch, I felt my pussy drip. I loved the pain that much that I wanted to get fucked hard. But as luck would have it, I went home, wet and with a twitchy clit. Good thing I have a suffering fetish.

OK I just have to add this. Holy shit! I have been meeting guys that know how to finger fuck like nobody's business. LOL! I have the great gspot. I love it! It is very right there and very reactive. Well, so far I've been with guys the last few weeks that know exactly where that gspot is and how to hit it just right. OMG! Sends me right into O-Land instantly.

OK I think I got some things off my chest.

We will see what this week brings LOL. Always interesting, no question about that!

OH OH OH, I am going to start my topping training. I want to see what I can do :) The thought of beating a guy and putting him into sub space and then making him so what I want, yummy! Now I need to find that side of me. LOL!

So I saw these on and I thought they were very fitting to me:

What I Need as a Submissive

I need to feel safe. Like I can let go of my wants and desires and trust you to do what's best for me when I give up control.

I need security. I need to know my self image will only be broken down to be built back up.

I need comfort. When I crumble I need you there to pick up my pieces and continue while petting me.

I need consistency. I need the same reactions, expectations and boundaries today that I got yesterday.

I need gentleness. I may be a masochist but sometimes I need soft things.

I need your control. I need you to accept it when I give it to you and coax it from me when I don't.

I need praise. I have to know that you are proud of me to be happy.

I need reassurance. Constantly.

I need to be challenged. I am not a passive person, I am a very assertive person. I need you to stand toe to toe with me.

I need to surrender. I will never be forced. I need to go willingly or not at all.

by miamortis

When I tell you...

– boy_River

So i met someone i really like, a lot! He started out on the right foot and so far so good. i am highly impressed. i am taking it very slow. i will see Him next weekend, unless i can't stand it and i see Him tomorrow LOL!

There is also a very hot professional that is perfect in every single way except he is SO busy. And, well, we all know how much time i need. i don't want both, i want either. The professional wants me to wait and i would like to, very much, but i need more of Him than i think He CAN give. It is not that He wouldn't but i really do not think He can. He is building His practice and He is doing really well. i will never get in the way of that.  He is amazing. Smart, very accomplished, highly educated, gorgeous, in shape, young, and downright perverted. Yummy! He is what I have been looking for. He is what i always wanted.

With either of them, i would not need to think. i would never need to worry. With the professional, i am WAY more submissive. i would never, ever, ever back talk him. Like, ever. i do exactly as told. i would be anything and everything to Him. He is really good for me.

i just need to sit back and see how things pan out i guess. i am good with it though. i feel very relaxed and at ease with all of it. i feel as though things will all work themselves out and whatever is to be, will be. i would be honored to be chosen by either of them. so wait i will. And you know what, if it is neither of them, that is OK too. my model-hot guy is still with me. He is adorable and i could just sit and stare at him all day long LOL. And his kisses. OMG! Nothing better than a great kisser :) i love when he grabs me by the back of the neck and pulls me in. SO HOT! i am a lucky girl. He is quite exquisite looking. If only he were a Dom, damn it!

-sigh-

Better today than last night.

I have started speaking with new Doms and I am happy. I know I need to prove myself to them and I will. I need to prove I am worthy of consideration.

I've even found a Nilla who may be able to do what I need. Though every time I try that, epic fail! There are a few D's on here that I am already finding interest in.

I will be collared someday. I swear!

Yep, released.

He let me go. I fucked up. I am sorry.

I know I need a D in my life. So now what?

So I have had this amazing D I have been seeing for the last, gosh, umm, 3 months or so. He was the best-sex-I-ever-had-guy. I am pretty sure I talked about him. Anyway, things took a direction I did not expect and *poof*, I was a submissive and he was my D and boyfriend. He is amazing with me. I love him. And there is where it gets complicated.

I love him so much I have put myself at no limits to keep him. Even at the detriment of my own feelings. He is worth it to me. I am trying to settle it in my head and I can't. But I do not want to lose him either. So I am at a crossroads. He wants poly, I do not. Him, getting up and leaving, and hearing him giving someone else the same pleasure he gives me, kills me. That's mine. It is what I want. And yes, I am insatiable, there is never a time I do not want sex. Though, it does not matter, he takes it when he wants it anyway. I love that.

The thought of leaving kills me. The thought of him with someone else, kills me. What am I supposed to do?

I was hurt today by his revelation. I ended up having sex with my model-hot guy like a moron. I wanted to get back at him for hurting me when he promised never to hurt me. In my defense, I assumed we were over when I had sex with my model-hot  guy. But I also did it to make myself feel better, to get back at my D, to prove to myself that I can move on whenever I want. The problem is, I do not want to. Again, I love the fucker. I hate him too. I know what I need to do.

I am very grounded in my submission. I understand it enough to tell any new D what I am about and what I can accept. That way we can make an informed decision before moving forward. I am happy about that. I get who I am and what I want.

I miss my 1D right now. I want to write him but it is far too painful. I don't want to go from one mistake to another. But I would like to find a D who can accept my one limited. Why is that such an issue? Am I not enough? Am I not good enough? What is it?

Just when I feel like I am done crying, I get the pit in my stomach and it starts again. I am hurt to my core. I haven't been hurt like this in 20 years. I have always been careful and protected myself. My D said to just let it go. Let the emotions happen. So I did. Stupid me.

It's official, I am shallow. My model-hot guy and I have made it official. He called me on New Years Eve and was waiting for me by my house. I went to the party I was required to go to, came home, changed cars, and went and saw him. We had an awesome night together and I fell.

We started by talking. He was funny and flirty and adorable. He grabbed me by the back of the neck and pulled me in to kiss me. I melted! He said "let's move into the back" and I was being silly and said "well, what for?" and awww he said "I think we should make out". I thought that was SO fun! I haven't made out in the back of a car in forever. He is so beautiful. His body is perfect in every way. I am a shallow bitch OMG! I am ashamed of myself. But something about a young, tan, thin, fit, super hot guy just does it for me right now. And just to give you a comparasion of what he looks like, a young Richard Gere but cuter. NO JOKE. I used to manage models and I think I would like to get him submitted. I talked to him about it and he said he had been thinking about it. I think it would be good for him.

So I have been all twisted up about what to do with him. And we decided last night that a committed relationship felt right for both of us.

So wow, weird. Not sure where I stand with this yet.

Wow my life is interesting. But it is exactly as I wish it to be. I have let everyone go expect my model-hot guy. I let him go but damn it if he didn't weasel his way back in. OK so I am shallow and he is the hottest guy I have ever seen. I met him in person not because I wanted to but because I HAD to. I had to see if his photo was really him. It was and better and damn it he is hot. But that's where it ends. I do not like sex with him. I do not like talking to him. I just like to look at him. Boring! Anyway. I am trying to figure out what to do with him right now.

I had the best sex of my life recently. Again, too complicated. I don't want that much thought to go into great sex. Just give me what I need and shut the fuck up.

I am discovering that my pain has no limits. I tried a singletail with a dragons tongue and fell in love. Also, I am in love with this little switch looking thing, painful, makes welts, and I love it.

What else have I discovered? I am going to be a wicked Domme. I am tired of D's who don't know what the fuck they are doing so I am taking control. I am going to get what I need until I can find a D who can actually handle himself. Mmmm already have a super-hottie in mind to start with.

I met someone I really like so far. We have only chatted online but I like how serious he is. He speaks with me frequently via text and phone. And yes, he has a hot accent. Again, I was interested before I knew he even had an accent.

We will see where it goes. I am learning quickly not to get too excited about someone. I am usually disappointed.

So I tried my hand at being a Domme to someone online. I have to say, I liked it. He thought I did well too. I do not believe there are such things as switches. Don't don't jump all down my throat (unless I ask you to), I just think you are one or the other. So I question my submissiveness now. I mean it was so easy for me to slip into that role. However, let me say this. It is pretty much who I am everyday. SO maybe slipping into that role was not such a challenge because it is who I am daily. But I wish for someone else to take control of me otherwise? Or that is my theory. The thought of getting a guy to have sex with me the way I want because I am controlling him, really does sound amazingly hot though. I know exactly what I want out of sex now. I can not believe it took me this long to find it. I only know of one person that can do it though. So I am wondering, should I take that knowledge, put my Domme boots on, and get what I want every time without disappointment?

So I went to DD on Sunday and it was the Spanks, Paddles and Canes seminar. OMG it was so much fun :) Miss Rose paddled me and I have a nice round bruise on my butt. OH WAIT! I took a pic. Look at my last pic..I think it is number 10 or something.

So I had quite the weekend. That is all I will say.

I feel so ready to be trained and collared but I know I am not ready. I mean, I guess my gauge of readiness is the ability to control my mouth. So then I wonder if I will ever be ready. OK but let me say this, with my pilot and my 1D, I am able to control my mouth for the most part. I do not want to disappoint them. Though I loved their verbal lashings like "what the fuck do you think you are doing?" is my all time favorite when I tried to test my limits with my pilot. I had to laugh and I instantly pulled back in submission and apologized. So it isn't like it is impossible for me to submit, I just need to respect someone enough to submit to them. So I guess maybe I am ready, for the right person.

I want to give myself to someone. I want to try things, push my limits, make him happy with me. I want him to be proud to own me. I want to follow his rules, his instruction, and his tasks. I want to do what he asks of me.

One last thing, boys, D and not D, please tell your girls they are hot. You would not believe what you will get back out of them. Those simple words mean so much ;) OH and slow down during sex.

So I met a vanilla, it was bad. His accent was hot, he was not.

I met with my model-beautiful pretty boy and he was amazing. Vanilla but omg, I had a great time with him. He kissed me exactly how I love to be kissed.

I feel like a slut and I like it. The worst part is that I can not seem to stay satisfied. I mean as I am typing this, I could cum. But then it comes down to cumming and I have a hard time. I am always in a state of need but then cumming is a challenge. That makes no sense to me.

My mental need is being satisfied quite well. I am having a lot of fun with some very stable people that I like a lot.

I am still not collared. I know I am not ready for it. I am not worthy of it and I am not trained enough. My mouth is something else, isn't it? I will always be a princess, I do not think that will ever get trained out of me. So whatever D collars me, will need to embrace that. LOL!

I am feeling very done. Done with what? I am not sure, just done.

I am wanting to be kissed. Pushed against a wall and kissed. Deeply, softly, hard, long. And I will wait for it.

I want to be protected, fussed over, cared about, paid attention to, watched, followed, surprised, and lusted over. My assumption was that a D man would give that to me. I was wrong. D men are no different than other men. I am deeply disappointed.

As I walk up to the dungeon, I smell the familiar smell of wood, paint, and a smell that is only synonymous with the dungeon. I instantly get butterflies not knowing who is inside or what the night holds in store for me. I do know that whatever it is, I will like it and it will satisfy the kinky need in me. I wait all week to go to the dungeon. To let my kinky side be free without judgment. Just sitting and talking with like-minded people I find freeing. Watching is the next level of excitement for me. And actually participating in something is like the Holy Grail. I am happy with any of it though.

I walk in and I am happy to see people I already know. Other kinksters like me. I sign in, pay the cover, and go to my favorite couches. When I first started, I sat in the corner and in the back. Shy, unsure, and wanting to be hidden. Now, I am front and center. I like the attention and the ability to see everyone and say hello. I also love that I get the view of the people who will play.

I sit chatting up friends when I feel a presence behind me. A hand slides down my cleavage. I look up and back to see who it is and it is Him. As usual he has made me wait a little, increasing my excitement about seeing him. He hands slides back up and grabs my chin. He leans down and whispers in my ear and instructs me to stand up and face forward. Without question or reaction, I stand up as I am told. He walks around and takes my hand and leads me to the corner of the dungeon, somewhat out of sight of everyone else. He pushes me against the wall and kisses me. The kiss is intense, deep, and gets me wet instantly. He then quickly turns me around and presses his arm against my shoulders so that I am pressed against the cinder block wall. With his other hand, he slides in my panties and puts one finger in me. He starts teasing my cunt with his skillful fingers. He knows being fingered is one of my favorite teasers. I moan and he knows he has me already in a state of need. He then puts two fingers and releases his arm off my shoulders. It’s my favorite thing to do and he knows it and sticks two fingers inside me. I already want to cum and he feels me starting to give way. He whispers in my ear “oh my little whore is so wet already, don’t you dare fucking cum”. I close my eyes in the ecstasy of his words. His voice is low and soft. He says very little but does not have to. Words are not needed right now. My body is responding to his touch the way it should. He teases me mercilessly. I can feel my sex so wet and wanting. He pulls his fingers out and puts them in my mouth. I can taste my need on them. He slides his hands onto my hips and whispers in my ear to stay still. I can feel him walk away. I do not move. Though I want to test him and see if he is around and what would happen to me if I do move. I am afraid the punishment will be denial of something I want so I decide against testing my limits right now. I hear him walk back over. I hear him moving something around. He tells me to take off my clothes. Without hesitation, I do as I am told. He tells me to put my hands behind my back. My heart is racing from being hot but also in panic about the unknown. He grabs my interlocked hands and pulls me back to Him. He is tall and overpowering me. He grabs my tits and bites my shoulder. He then pulls me over to the horse and bends me over. I suddenly feel the harsh sting of His hand across my ass. I love the pain. I want to beg for His fingers but I really love the pain too. I know if I am patient, I will get the fingers back in me and I may even get to cum if I am lucky. He spanks me and then rubs where he spanked to cool the skin. He is so harsh and sweet and the same time. He leans over me every so often to ask me if I am ok. I can feel his hard cock against me. I nod every time he asks me if I am ok. I am more than ok. His spanking is very short as I find it very intense. For my reward, He plunges his fingers back into me and I let out a moan that is completely involuntary. He praises how wet my cunt is and how my ass is nice and red. He fingers me with his two fingers, knowing he is driving me crazy. He then suddenly stops fingering me. He is quiet.  He knows that the anxiety of wondering what he is doing increases my experience with him. I feel the sting of my favorite flogger against my back. He alternates between harsh, loud, swats and soft teasers. He makes sure to check in with me and allows to feel his cock against my ass. He knows I love that the pain he is administering, is making him hard. He also knows that he is teasing me by letting me feel his hardness against me. He stops the flogging and puts his fingers in me again. Teasing my sex over and over and reminding me harshly that I am not allowed to cum until I am told to cum. I can feel my legs weak underneath me. The teasing is hrsh but not safeword worthy. Even if I called Yellow because I needed to cum, I would be denied. I am to control it for him and not be weak. The flogging continues. He is hitting my ass, my upper thighs, and the meaty sides of my back. He is so good at knowing when to stop and cool my skin down with his hand. And now I am so hot, his touch of my flogged skin is making me get wetter. He rubs my ass and I love it. Everything comes to a stop and he is quiet. I know not to move, not because I have been told but because my rules continue from before. I am bent over, red I am sure, exposed I know, and wet and hot. I want any part of him inside me. I want to cum on him. He stands behind me and instructs me to stand up. Of course I do. He tells me to turn around. Done. I am looking up at him and he tells me what a good little princess I am. He takes a handful of my hair and pulls me down. As I drop to my knees, he has laid something soft of the floor. Clearly I have been a good girl for he was kind enough to care about the sensitive skin on my knees. No words are needed, I know what I am to do. I pull his hard cock out and it is wet with precum. It makes me happy, it means I was doing something for him while he was beating me. I can't wait to taste him. He guides my face onto him at the pace he wants me to go. I try desperately to deep throat him because I know he likes it and I want to please him. As he picks up the pace fucking my face, I can feel him getting tighter in my mouth and he pulls me off his cock. He pulls me up by my arms and bends me back over the horse. He puts his fingers back in me and guides his hard dick into my wetness.

So I heard that BDSM relationships are short but that has to be some kind of record! LOL! So my D and I are done. I am looking for a new D that can actually handle me. Where the fuck are you? Seriously!

Another night of tears shed for my pilot. We agreed that this is not good for either of us. And with that he said "I will miss you" and I said "goodbye" and I did not mean it. It is not good and I will never say bye. Though we will no longer speak, I will not give up. Look, when I met the husband, I knew he was the one within days. They say you "just know" and you do. I have not been a shrinking violet in the dating world. I started dating at 13 and have had very successful relationships since then. I am friends with most of my long term ex-boyfriends to this day. Yes, even the ones I had when I was 14. I just do not believe in bad break ups. With my husb., we dated for a year, and we were engaged for 6.5 years. We never lived together. I thought it was important that he live a single (sort of) guys life for awhile. Pay his own bills, have his privacy, do his thing before committing to marriage. My Pilot is "the one". The one I want to submit to. The one I want to please. The one I want to talk to, cook for, clean for, and be better for. I want to give him anything he wants, be anything he wants, do anything he wants without complaint or hesitation. And because of that, I will not let him go in my head or heart. I've wait 25 years for this. I can wait another 25 if that is what it is going to take for him to see what I see for us. 

So I am still safe over here. My D hates this site and though he knows I write over here, he has no interest to see what I am saying. So I am still free to say what I want without consequence. Though I do tell him about everything so I guess I dont have much to hide anyway.

I am in New Mexico right now with family. I am having a good time but having trouble keepin gmy head in the game. I want to be home with my D getting my ass lit up and teased to the point of begging. It is really hard to keep my mind off of that considering it is so enveloping. I would like to think this break was a good way to sit back and think about what I am doing but it's not. I feel hot and needy. Thankfully my D is very attentive and he has helped me get through. He did the sweetest thing last Sat when we played. So I am shy about my breasts but in order to get more surface area, I had to upsnap my bra. I was in such a daze, that I stood up from bending over the horse and forgot there were other people around. I immediately turned around and he took me into his arms to hide me. I haven't had anyone do anything that sweet for me in a long time. I felt very protected and cared about. Such a contrast because 30 minutes later he was sternly telling me that I better not fucking cum as I started to head down that path. I love the sweet and stern of the relationship. It's so enticing, exactly as I wanted it to be.

My pilot. Can't even talk about him. I asked him if I asked to stop emailing/messenging me, would he? His response "why the fuck would you ask me to do that you tight ass little slut?" Which was an amazing answer. I smiled. I wrote back "right answer" and his answer "call". So as demanded, I called. His first words were "what do you think you are doing?" And with that, I melted and wanted to be his everything once again. I really hate him. I know he is not good for me. Everyone knows he is not good for me. I vow to pull away from him. I will never do this long distance shit ever again. Ever!

So my D says I can play with other people as long as he vets them. Thus far he is not saying yes to anyone except someone we both already know. I wonder what he would be ok with. I mean, I do want to play with others but I wonder if sex is not allowed in playing. I think I will ask tonight if I am allowed to have sex if he okays someone. There is someone that he did not approve of that I really want to be with. But he does not want me now anyway. So I guess it does not matter anymore. I liked how he handled me so much though and I miss it. My D is not as stern with me as he was but I think my D cares about me in a different way. He knows I am his responsibility and under his care so that is how he treats me. It's cute and I like it. The other guy, I think he just saw me as fucktoy. Nothing more than that because I was such a bitch. I don't know if he ever got to see the vulnerable side of me that does need protection. That is the side of me that my pilot has. He never sees the feisty me. My D sees both, I think and I think it is because I have let my guard down with him. He was the only other person to ever see my tits and he was very complimentary. That was not easy for me but he made it easier.

OK can't talk about that anymore.

6 days and counting!

Had a very hot conversation with my pilot. I loved every second of it. As much as I wanted to make the conversation heavy and depressing, I kept it light and fun. I told him my plan is to replace him and back away. Truth be told, I do not think we will ever be together. Though I wish, hope, and fantasize, if he were into me, it would have happened or at least a plan would have been made. Also, no one doesn't have 1 minute a day to text someone they care about. So clearly I am not on his mind. I need to be real with myself. Now the question is, can I find his replacement?

OMG last night was fun and I have the marks to prove it. I was teased mercilessly. He flogged me, crop whipped me, spanked me, put a Hitachi under and me and ordered me not to cum. I got a ball gag, hair pulled, and softly kissed. He kissed my back, poured water on my hot spots, and cared for me. The contrast is fucking intoxicating and I want more, now. Two days in a row and it is not enough. He has stamina and I love it! I wanted more and he was willing to give it to me. I am out of town though and I have to wait 2 weeks. It hasn't been 24 hours and I can feel my need building. The need to be beaten and to cum. I never knew how much I would love this.

And as much as I love it, I want my pilot more than anything. Doesn't he understand what I would do for him? What I would be for him? Why doesn't he want me like I want him?

And I did not wait.

It happened. I got my ass beat last night. It was awesome. I want more. And tonight, I will get more.

He sat on his couch and made me sit of the floor. Appropriate. He then had me get on all fours and spanked me. It was painful and got me sweating. He kneeled in front of me and asked me what I wanted, and guess what I wanted, lol, his kiss. He kissed me, I loved it. We then moved to his bedroom. I love the flogger, never thought I would but I do. The sting of the crop is especially cruel and I like it. He was very good at putting his hand over the freshly cropped area to cool it down fast. He bites and I love it. No one has ever bitten me. I never thought how hot that was. He bit my back and I was in a place I have never been before. He really pushed my limits far beyond what I ever thought I would be ok with.

This morning, I was looking for any cool place to sit. A metal bench, slightly wet grass, the tiled tub. LOL.

Tonight I want to be teased. I can not be with him for 2 weeks so I plan on suffering.

My pilot is still heavy on my mind. Why does the thought of him make me cry? I talk to him, I cry. My D does not want me to talk to him anymore because he upsets me so much. Hard limit. I need my flyboy. My goal is to be with him. To be his pet whenever he wants me. It may be years before that happens and I will wait. I am wondering if that is going to be a source of contention between my D and I. I love that my D cares for me and my well-being so much. It is a strange feeling for me. He was on me about my habit of not eating. Something I need to work on.

Sigh. My pilot. We talked today. He has my heart and soul. Damn it. I would do anything for him. He is everything I want. Everything.

OK Came clean with what I did when I did not answer his text. I thought he would be mad at my game, but he wasn't.

He asked me to come over last night. I wanted to but I couldn't. He is letting me know in 24 hours, game on. I am not sure if I can wait.

I told him about my best first kiss and he did not like the story but I ended it with "it was the best until now". He still does not want to hear about my past. Is he jealous? I just do not see that for us. I mean, he has free rein to be with whomever he chooses and he has said I do too. So wtf? LOL!

He does not like my sassiness. I am trying incredibly hard to keep it from bubbling over. Last night was especially challenging. The first flogging I ever saw was him and another girl. So I keep throwing that in his face. So if there is something I don't want to do, I tell him to go to her. That got me a few smacks on the bare pussy. And I know if I had said it last night, he would have either hung up on me or taken back something I want, like kissing me. I told him there is no way I am jeopardizing that. He said he liked how sweet I was being. LOL. I told him it was a challenge. LOL! And it is.

I have so much more to say but I need to get to the gym. I have not worked out since Tuesday! Yikes!

I feel like I have to keep blogging over here because he doesn't know that I do. So my secrets are safe from him over here.

So I was thinking about my best first kiss. I was in high school. We used to have $1 movie night on Tuesdays. About the whole high school went. I ended up going one night with this guy I had a huge crush on. I must say, I was playing it right with him. I liked him a lot but kept my feelings to myself. So after the movie a bunch of went outside to the parking lot to leave. We were all just kinda hanging out and talking. He suddenly took me and kissed me. It was my best first kiss. The element of surprise. How much I really liked him. The kiss was awesome. I never forgot it and I still talk about it. Until last night. I am mid-40's and I just topped my best first kiss? Really? Now I don't have the same feelings for my D as I did for the guy in high school. The guy in high school I wanted as a boyfriend. This is different. It is lust. NO question. My D is so tall and overpowering. He put one hand to the back of neck and pulled me to him. It was soft, it was hard, it was amazing. And it was perfect. I am getting butterflies talking about it. It wasn't too long, wasn't long enough, I was clawing him, pulling his shirt, wanting more. His body is what you expect of a tall 30 year old guy. Lean, fit, yummy. I could not keep my hands off of him. His ending move, the bite/suck of my bottom lip. I begged for more. I would have done anything. He then agreed to kiss me again. He kissed me on the forehead, put chapstick on me, and ordered me to go home. I kept saying no. It is all I could get out. Oh and please kiss me. I have never asked to be kissed, ever. I have never begged for anything, ever. I felt powerless and wanting more. I've done nothing all day but think about his kiss. His teasing me with his fingers. He would tease my hard clit. Slowly put his fingers in and pull them out. Go back to reading my papers. Then do it again. Over and over. He commented on how tight I was, how hard my clit was, and how wet I got. Yes, the tightness is a huge issue but I think he can get me wet enough that I won't tear. We'll see how that all goes.

He texted me all the right things today. I have to wait until Sat. which is killing me. We have leather cuffs, 3 floggers, a paddle, and a crop. He asked if I wanted pleasure or pain first. I want pain. And pain he will give me.

Lust rocks! I feel better about then how I felt about my pilot. That was the heart and I don't like it one bit. It hurt. This is fun!

Have I mentioned that my D is the best kisser ever? LOL!

Have I said holy fuck yet?

O  M  G

So he painfully went through my list last night. Page by slow page. We discussed everything.

I won't go into what we did but I did not get home until 1:30 this morning. He is a beautiful 6'1, a young hot body, super cute in his jeans, tshirt, and new shoes. We were playing games and I purposely sat at a different table. We were texting each other. It was cute.

I played a little game with him that he is unaware of. I went outside and he texted me "did you leave?" I purposely did not answer. I went back into the building far later. The look on his face was priceless. He gave up his game pieces and we went outside to talk. Mmmmm still love the control I still have :)

He left me needing, wanting so much more, wet (still), he liked to see me squirm as he artfully teased me until I was in tears. His kiss. OMG. He is so tall and I just lost myself in him. He smelled so good. He bit my bottom lip and I almost lost it. I wanted so much more but he put chapstick on my lips and sent me home. I still have butterflies this morning. The kiss. I so rarely am weak in the knees over a fucking kiss. I want so much more of that! SO MUCH MORE!

He called. ::happy::

He is not putting up with anything. He is very mild mannered and lowkey. I like it. He surprised me though. I am going to DD tonight to borrow some "things" and he is going to be there! I am glad he told me because I was going to go work out and then hop on over. He said he would not accept me sweaty and nasty and I needed to figure out how to work out and get cleaned up before going to DD. Holy fuck! FINE!

He also wants my list of things I will/won't do by tonight, no questions.

I am not to call him Sir but we will discuss that tonight. I was not expecting to do anything tonight but pick up my toys and go home. So now my whole evening has done a 180 and I am nervous.

He is very well-spoken and I like that too. It is clear he is very educated. Such a turn on. He is also younger than I thought I would ever go but he seems to have the "it" factor.

OMG what am I going to wear and not wear? What is planning to do to me tonight?

So far so good. We seem to want the same things. He has already had me doing tasks. LOL. Pushed my limits a little to see what he would do. He wanted me to write out a fantasy. So I did it half way and he told me that was not acceptable and he did not care what my excuse was, to finish it. LOL. It impressed me. So I was up at 6am finishing it. Busted. He is also speaking about my improper behavior. So fucking hot! He knows how sassy I am and he plans on fixing that. OH and I love this. He said "won't make me happy that you aren't listening and your ineptitude is taking away from my personal time" Damn it! He was so mild-mannered when I met him and then that came out. I love it! It's like Christmas every time he writes me LOL!

OK mild mannered until he dropped a pen into my cleavage LOL. The first time he missed, I asked him to do it a second time, he did. I told him he had to get it himself LOL. So he dug around being silly and got it.

I am hoping he calls me today. He is coming Sat. I am nervous.

Hold on....this is for real this time! I have found a playmate :) I met him the first day at DD and I have met him three times now. I have seen his work. I am super excited. We are going over negotiations and expectations he has of me.

I saw him with the whip last night and it was quite hot. I saw him flog someone too, he was good. She even gave him a thumbs up. So hell ya! No more fuckin around. No more games. Holy fuck....I can't believe I am going to do this :)

Game on and games over! I don't even need ESP..this one is sane and very willing.

Getting ready to go. I am meeting my trainer at 10 am. I need to add some arm weights into my routine.

I am making more of a life on  "that other site" I am becoming friends with my local BDSM community so my time here will be less and less. I need to see flesh. I need to be with flesh.

OK so workout log first. 45 minutes, variable inclines up to 6.5 2.5 mph. 4 reps of 15 at 50lbs inner thigh machine. Then I had to go. But at least I got an ok workout in. I have a meeting with my trainer tomorrow at 10 am. I need to add some arm things.

Now for the good part of my day. I went back to Desert Dominion tonight. It was Q & A for new members. I have so many questions but I was too shy to ask. I had a blast thoguh because after Q & A was toy demo time! Watched cupping which was neat. Then I went and talked to some girls. Then someone brought a whip out which totally caught my ear. I was drawn in and could not keep my eyes off that whip. The crack, the look, the welts. I was wishing it was me. I know I am not ready for the yet. All in good time. I need to be patient. Then the floggers came out. OK so I am not a big fan of them. They seem so cliche to me. I tried several of them on myself and felt nothing. I asked which one was the harshest, again, not much. I did like the harshest one the best though. Then someone else hit me with it in the legs. I thought if I was not controlling it, maybe it would sting more. Nope, nothing. I think I am a pain slut! I am absolutely going to the Play Party Saturday. I am hoping this will be my moment to get something I want and need so badly. The girls have been very good at telling me who is good at what. Now I need to decide what it is I want as my first course.

1D sent me a juicy email this morning. My God that man has a talent with words. I wonder if he that good in person? I am not sure I will ever know.

My pilot, I miss him. I told him I missed him. It's the truth. Still hurts.

So here is where I stand. No question in my mind, I need a playmate. I am fully ready. I feel nowhere near educated enough but I want to learn so much more from an experienced D. But here is my other issue and I think I have said it before. I want one playmate, not several. I know at Desert Dominion it is not about a 1-on-1 thing. You play. You experience. No sex (unless it is agreed upon beforehand). But to me this is sex. One equals another. I heard the crack of that whip and I got wet. I wanted to be whipped and fucked hard. So I asked my flyboy how to seperate the two and he said it was about control. Well, there is my weakness. I have none. But I will learn it. If I want to feel the sting of a whip or flogger or anything else, I need to seperate the two out or Desert Dominion is going to be out of the question. It seems no one is there for sex but more of an education and practice. Which I find very inviting if I can seperate the sex-pain out of my head.

One of the girls said if I stop looking for a D, one will find me. So ....I'm not looking. I will do the Desert Dominion thing. Learn as much as I can. Play if I can learn to separate the sex-pain thing. And see what happens.

Monday.

Not feeling it this morning.

So wow, like a kid in a candy store. The atmosphere was very cool. I met some girls I really liked. They had insight into who was a good spanker, who was a good flogger, etc. It was super fun.

As I sat and watched, I realized what I am missing. What I want. And more than ever, I know what I need.

I met some Doms too, of course. I will leave it at that.

I will not go into detail because of privacy.

Went to Desert Dominion today. Joined. Going to a Play Party tonight. Should be interesting. Met a nice guy already. A Dom no less.

I will report tomorrow. Taking a deep breath. Nervous!

Well, my mission not to cum did not pan out so well. I did it, I did it hard, several times, and ended up crying after. I think I had mentioned before that for whatever reason, I cry after cumming lately. It's been happening the last 8 months or so. I find it very irritating especially because I am a multi girl and here I am crying and needing to cum again LOL. I am perplexed by this recent development. TucsonBound had a biological reason behind it at first and then a logicial/psychological reason behind it. It is probably a combo. Who knows. But when I am hot my eyes water too and that is really new. And annoying because I can't hide it. I don't have a great poker face anyway. When my Pilot makes me secretly do things to myself on cam in the live chatroom, I am always so sure everyone knows what I am up to. No one ever says anything though so I must be paranoid.

OK Vanilla. Yes, he contacted me. Yes, I hopped onto cam with him. I just can't. I feel nothing. And the point was made in the chat room today that I would have to teach him and then it would be all pointless. He is right. I need a firm hand from the start so I submit immediately and stay there. I know me, if I have any power, I will use it. I will lose respect instantly (I do this in Vanilla world too) and that's it for me. I know, I am a bitch. I keep telling people that LOL!

OK the gym. I went hard again today. Variable inclines, variable speeds. 50 minutes and then 11 on the bike. That was it. No weights. I have been eating a banana before my workouts! Proud of myself :)

I tanned my ass today too. I am waiting to see if it starts stinging. I am not sure if I was out long enough to burn myself. I will see tonight.

So a Female Dom. I am considering it. Maybe that is where I need to go? I need to think about the dynamics of it.

I am supposed to go to Desert Dominion tomorrow afternoon for a Rigging class/intro. I am very nervous. I hate not knowing anyone. But I have been assured that I will be very welcomed. So I will take a very deep breath and jump in. If nothing else, I will meet some people, see the place, and learn something new. Not such a bad thing.

I need to buy some new panties this week. I don't know exactly what I want yet. I like the boyshorts as long as they are silky. What do Doms like to see?

OUCH! OK I did not do the second workout last night. I am SO sore either from doing the second workout the night before or the fact that I went so hard at the gym yesterday. I even have blisters on both feet. So I may choose to do just wieghts today, though I do not like that idea. Eh, maybe some bandaids and get my ass on that tread.

OK so....vanilla. I met with a vanilla yesterday on live cam. He is insisting he is not vanilla and he has done some of the things I like. But he is just not D enough for me. He has already written saying that he thinks I am hot blah blah blah. And all I can think is, ya you just want to fuck. I can fuck anytime, like I've said before, not what I need. Though, it totally is what I want in a session. So please do not misunderstand what I am saying. And in fact, right now, fucking sounds pretty good to me. Ohhhhh my little toy is screaming my name!!!!! I am a little on the hot side this morning and no one to share it with. Boo hoo!! Maybe I need an online fuck buddy?

OK but let me say one more thing on the vanilla thing. There is the hottest guy in my town, vanilla, and we are talking and yes, in that manner. And I may put aside my need to be spanked, bound, and everything in between for this guy. Though I may ask him to do some of it if he is willing. He is so young. 30 and his body is OMG. He knows I am married, he is too. I may just use him to get him naked and see his gorgeous body LOL. So that has been an interesting development.

So TucsonBound hates me again. But this time he is totally done with me. Too bad, he was fun. He never took my shit and it made me think and laugh. I could always get him mad at me so easily and it was so much fun. Maybe that was not nice of me. I like when men are mad at me. What can I say. They are at their hottest shutting me down.

My Pilot. OMG my heart. Go ahead, roll your eyes. Yes, he contacted me. Yes, I miss him. Yes, I was a bitch to him. Yes, we are talking. Shut up.

OK my live cam. So...I have been venturing out much more. I have been allowing the cam to capture me doing my everyday things. I have been shocked at the response. "nice legs" "nice ass" so with that, I will continue you to turn my cam on after I work out. It is when I stretch and shower, get ready for the day etc. I like the feedback I am getting :) Yes, I am a princess. Always.

1D has been quite interesting lately. His words have so much power over me. I am staying pretty strong so far though. I love to see what he says so I am not saying no. He is an amazing writer and his words go right "there". Which today would NOT help my situation of being hot. So far this morning he is very quiet. And for that, I am thankful. I am really going to try to not cum today LOL!

So I did my new workout last night all the way through. I was sore this morning and my back hurt a little. So I need to watch the back thing tonight.

I went hard at the gym. 1 hour on the tread, variable inclines (up to 4.5 incline), variable speeds (up to 3.0 mph, I think). Did both hip abductor machines, 15 x 4 reps @ 50lbs. Then did the butt lift at 37.5 2 reps of 15. I'm going to attempt the second workout again tonight. I am not sure if it was because it was my second workout of the day that made it so hard last time or if it is just a hard program. Tonight will see which it is.

It's been very quiet this morning. No emails, no texts, no calls. Been very soothing. And right when I wrote that, my very 1st D just messaged me LOL. I spoke to soon. I need to give him a pseudoname. Maybe 1D. Yep, that works. 1D did email this morning. So I guess I forgot about that. But other than that, it's berrrry quiet. OK 1D wants something from me. Damn it he is good with words. I wish he would behave himself! I am on strike, if you read my previous entries, you know I am trying (I know, it went from vowing to trying LOL), not to cum until I get an Owner. OK so my plan may not stick and 1D is not making that any easier! But I am going to stay as strong as possible with him. He has a house here so the possibility of being with him physcially is there but ...eh...he brought me to a place I had never been before. It was intense. He handles me quite well. Too well. I am not sure I am prepared to go to that place again with him. And as I a typing this, he is messaging me and calling me princess and saying things he knows I like. WTF! 1D is very bad for me. Skillful and bad.

I wonder how today is going to pan out. I have a feeling it is going to be another interesting day.

What an amazing day. I feel liberated and intrigued. Two feelings that I am enjoying!

My efforts to get back on track have moved me mountains. I knew today would be great but I never imagined how great.

First, the first D I ever met on here and I have reconnected. I am thrilled with his contact. He is absolutely amazing. He is the best mindfuck I have ever had. We are on a different level now and I think it's a great place. I missed his insight and words so much. He is amazing and he calls me princess. I love that! 

Second, ohhh a local guy....umm he has something that I was known for wanting pre-husb. My total weakness. He is extremely D and I am submitting to him without him making an effort at all. I am not sure how I feel about that. It scares me a little because I feel like I have zero power. Even if I did, I would never want to show it. And it is not because he is my weakness, he is just extreme. I'm afraid to speak. I have to choose my words very carefully. He is very strong and does not put up with anything at all. I feel like he is keeping tally of any whining I do and I am going to pay when/if we meet.

The rest I can not talk about but needless to say, I have had a really great day. It made up for last night! I'm so over it. Laters, baby.

OK so this moving on stuff, not so bad if you do it in the right way.

Today should be very interesting.

No gym until tonight. I hate going at night. It is always packed!

My second workout kicked my ass and I could not get through it. So I am going to work extra hard on that one. I want to get my stamina up to be able to get through it and not be sucking eggs.

So I am at this weird place with a vanilla. I have talked about it before, I have the perfect vanilla, why would I want another one? Well, this guy is super cute. Like OMG cute. He knows what I am into. But still the problem is that he would need to be trained. I don't want to train anyone. Sigh. I am not even trained myself yet! So I am not sure what to do with him. I am pretty clear on what he wants but it is I who has hesitation. I mean, I can sex anytime. Why would I want boring sex from someone else? I need more than just sex.

What will today bring? ::tap, tap tap::

Well, judging from tonights conv. I am 100% released.

So.....moving on.

And to cure the hurt....doing what I do best.

OK all lasered up. Dentist done.

Next up, some Zerona sessions. Nails need to be filled, Teeth whitening next week or the week after. Tan of course. Dermatologist to look over my skin. I also want to get some little broken capillaries taken out. I don't think they are that noticeable but I see them and they bother me. A facial and massage sound good too. Think I will work on getting those scheduled in.

So where is THE one guy who is going to bring me to my knees? Yes, I already found him and he is too busy for me.

Did NOT take it easy at the gym but I did well. Better than I expected.

I even ate a banana and at the insistence of TucsonBound drank a bottle of water. Ugh! Pissing me off as usual. He is so demanding.

Going to the dentist and get lasered.

More later.

Miss my flyboy SO much!

Went to bed at 5pm last night. Woke up at 6am this morning. I am really not feeling that great. No idea why aside from the alcohol thing. Still not feeling up to par this morning. I have to go get my "regions" lasered at 11 and I rescheduled the dentist for this afternoon.

I am going to the gym this morning. I will take it easy on myself though.

I haven't cum since last Monday. Still holding strong....kinda. Though talking to my flyboy yesterday got my juices flowing pretty good. If he called and said cum, I'd do it on the spot. Ugh he drives me crazy in all the right places and yet doesn't want me. Sigh.

Let me start with OMG. I never, seriously, never drink alcohol. I have not had a drink in 17 years aside from small sips to taste something. I have NO idea what possessed me last night but I drank a margarita. I know better! I have an allergy to alcohol. Well, I am pretty sure at least. Holy hell, I feel awful today. My tummy is so upset. I was up last night just nauseated all night so I am tired too.

I have to go to the dentist this morning, last thing I want to do but it is too late to cancel, so I am going.

On a good note, we were with great friends. We usually go out with them about every 2-3 weeks and sometimes we are out every weekend in succession. So it was super nice to see them!! They are so fun to be with and we all have an awesome time together. And then there was a revelation that just shocked the hell out of me. Apparently someone has a thing for me. I had no idea. I guess because he was one of the group (there are about 20 of us that do things together regularly dinners, birthdays, vacations, poker night, bbq, concerts, etc). I just never saw it like that. I mean, he flirts, I flirt but I did not know it went beyond that. I am not sure how I feel about it. He is cute and very D though I have no idea if he is in the this lifestyle. I would not be shy about asking him. He is a pretty open guy. I would never act on it though. Too close to home and it would be too weird. Though he does have a rockin' body and he is in his early 30's, successful, educated, and.....no.....NO. no! Nope. Not going to happen. NO.

My beautifully planned out work out, on hold which just kills me.

OK I have more to write but need to go.

Interesting what 24 hours can do.

I've had many a conversation, most interesting and most captivating my attention. Not an easy thing to do, as we all know. I am looking forward to this week. I think there will be a few new developments that will whip my ass into shape. I am always excited to find truely D men. My butterflies have returned and I am thankful for their arrival. I did not think it would happen this fast considering the hold my flyboy had over me. Sigh, the things he could have done to me. How sad to see that all go to waste.

Tmw is going to be challenging work out wise. I hope I remember to eat. I have my regular workout in the morning and I add an ass kicking workout in the evening. Since having my lips done, I have not been in the gym. So I know this is going to hurt like hell. But I need it and I want it. I want my new Owner to like the body I have created and ignore the parts that were not my doing. So whatever I do have to work with, I will try to get them to be their best. My issue is time. I need time to get them to where they need to be. But my need to be used like the whore I am is demanding and not patient. So there's the issue. I am being pulled in two directions. One that wants to be perfect but needs time to get there and the whore that is aching to be used immediately. I decided this morning that I did not want to cum again until I was owned but I am facing a long drawn out body shaping regime. So can I really hold out that long? Would it be better to just allow myself to cum so that the whore in me can be held off while I get my ass into shape? OR do I suffer like I should and not cum while getting into better shape and give my Owner the orgasm I waited so long to give? I have this feeling I will give into my need to cum unless I am instructed otherwise by an Owner. So there will be the time between someone who is grooming me to be their pet and the time they take me as their pet. How long will that last? Can I hold out? Will I listen during the grooming period? I am so fucking defiant and my need sometimes outweighs my ability to control. Maybe with the threat of punishment I can control myself?

Broke down and texted him. And he gave me the "hope you have had a great weekend so far" which is pretty much a conversation ender.

Other well known text enders:

• Yes
• No
• Sure
• Ok
• Interesting
• Makes sense
• Thanks
• LOL
• K
• Haha
• Whatever

Tanned a lot today. I've had a half of a Starbucks thus far. Need to eat soon I think. I think I want to go out.

No texts to or from and I am ok with it so far.

My interests are slowly turning to someone else who has me intrigued.

I think I am going out with friends tonight. Should be fun. They are very smart and a lot of fun.

Going swimming today. I was going to go to the mall but changed my mind. I will do it this week. I don't need anything, just want to go. I will invariably end up buying whatever impulse hits me though.

Hmmm so I am interested. He seems to have that very commanding personality that I like so much. He seems cool and collected. Not overly anxious or needy. Very intelligent, love that! Looking forward to seeing what happens.

Slowly backing away. Proud of myself.

OK this is all going to come off super bitchy. I apologize but again, the freedom of this journal allows me to say things I would not normally be allowed to say.

1. I don't want to see your dick unless I know you.

2. Seriously if you can not physically get to me, don't bother talking to me.

3. I am not going private with you. No more explanation needed.

4. Read my profile, it is why I have one.

5. Remember your cam has a mic? So if you don't turn it off, I totally hear every belch you rip.

6. Don't be creepy.

7. If I decline your first chat request, guess what will happen to the second, third, forth and so on ones?

8. I am not looking for cam sex. I go on cam because I like to see who I am speaking with. Could you at least send a picture or something? I also go on to learn and have fun.

9. And for the love of all that is holy, I know you like to "fuck", who doesn't? Class it up a bit before you start talking dirty to me. Trust me, I am as naughty as you are but get to know me a little.

10. Do not call me little girl, it creeps me out. I will also not call you daddy or anything of the sort. Also creeps me out. Sorry.

Feeling awesome today!!

Lips are starting to settle in and look normal. Had a great biz meeting this morning.

I am starting to feel the seperation and I am ok with it. I think I will be ready to move on here shortly. The few comments that were made on the phone clued me in to where this is not going to go. And with that, I am pretty free I think. If he called me and said, you're my pet, I would not say no. So I am not that over it but I do feel like I can do whatever I would like.

So now I am at the point of, what does CM offer me in choices? Well, I have made some g-friends on here that I really like. I've made some male friends too of course. I value the g-friends much more though. There is no ulterior motives in the friendships. I love the videochat feature because then you know the person is real and they know I am too. I know there are other sites but they don't have the cam chat which I find to be invaluable. No hiding behind 20 year old photos. Ya know? And the same on my end. The guys can see who I am top to bottom (not pun intended).

OK so let's see where this all takes me. I know exactly what I want. So where the fuck are you?

A very yummy phone call....SO happy!

I got some texts from him today. They were very cute, sexy, and brief. I am still not in a place where I am ready to let go. 48 hours, still too short. I did do something though that surprised even me. Moment of weakness and I am not entirely happy with myself about it. It was like "ok that was fun. WTF did you just do?" I freaked. Still am. But considering what I was considering, it was a minor infraction in comparison. I wonder how my flyboy would feel about it though. My orders are so vague I feel a little lost.

Bedtime. Not so good. He texted me and I about melted. Told him I missed him and he said he missed me too. WTF. I have been trying to speak with others and I just can't get myself to feel anything. Not even the slightest interest. I just can not make myself feel something that is not there. I am not sure if it is who I am speaking with or if my heads not in the game. I really felt like I was let go until he texted me. And again, he pulls me back in. And trust me, I am a willing participant in being pulled back in. It is all I wanted all day. He texted me and it meant everything. He breaks my heart one minute and makes me so happy the next. I know this will not end well, so what am I doing? Can I be pulled away? Yes, I want to be pulled away to stop the hurt and feeling of being left. But it is up to me to let go and I don't think I can or want to. So I sit and wait. For what? For a text a day, if I am lucky? Yes. And that text lights me up. However, I'll probably never see him. Am I ok with that? No, of course not. But who could ever be as caring yet stern as he was? There was a quiet, logical, toned down, maturity about him that demanded respect that you don't see very often. His demeanor made me want to submit and please him. And even though he invented weird imaginary foods, he is exactly what I want. And maybe I am just not allowing myself enough time to work through this. And maybe that is all I need. Some time and then I can take a deep breath and find someone local and suitable for me. I mean no one bounces back in 24 hours, right? What am I expecting from myself? So maybe I just need to heal and let go of the "what was to be". I really wish he would have used his power over me to say "I am not letting you go, but I can not talk to you very much. It won't last forever but I have no idea when it will end either. So deal with what I can give you. It may be a text a day and that is all but know I am thinking of you and expecting you to behave." And bitch, baby, or sweetie at the the end of that would have be suitable as well. But I know he was just trying to give me an out. It was very sweet of him but it also really hurt.

OK so far so good :)

I can do this. Moving on? Perhaps. I think I have no choice. Sad. It coud have been a lot of fun.

So no more out of state fun for me. Not going there ever again.

Had my lips done. I love them but ouch. So no kissing for me for awhile. And no gym either....boo!

So I have made a decision. I want one guy to collar me. I am setting my sights. That's it. None of this "training" bullshit. You either want me or you don't. And I am going to be damned picky. If it never happens, it never happens.

I am also not listening to anyone anymore. Stupid liars on here. And did they really think I thought they were telling the truth? Really? I am smarter than that, give me credit asshats.

OK breath....

Emotions were NOT to be a part of any of this. I am not sure where that turn happened but I do not like it at all. It should be easy to say "ok whatever, next" Why isn't it? I don't understand.

So I am taking what I can get and finding other outlets. If that is the way it has to be, then so be it. He is worth suffering for. But then the question of what about later comes up. I mean this will never get better or easier. Right? The more time invested, the more it'll hurt when he moves on. I know deep down he will move on because the distance is not easy for anyone. He will find some little whore to do whatever he wants and she will be right there to do it. I have no control or say in the matter. If I am this hurt right now, imagine the devastation I would feel later.

So now what you ask? Well, I can't just walk away. He graciously gave me a choice. I took the choice of whatever he can give me when his schedule allows. I am very proud of him and I wouldn't want it any other way for him. He deserves it.

So I have been a green light to go to PHX and start doing things up there. Meeting people, spending the night, etc. So we will see where that takes me I guess.

Wow this epic is ever changing. Can't say I like it very much though. I like the stabilization of being with one D and taking whatever orders are handed down. I, as always, still very much wish to be owned. And there is that stupid self-doubt all over again. It must be me. Who knew it would be this hard to find an Owner. And my guess is, it shouldn't be. It is me.

This is not going to be pretty. I will use shouty caps and lots of very unlady like language. So please be forewarned. Most of you that know me by now know that I like to remain pretty controlled. Not right now. So here is goes.....deep breath....

Going 70 in a 30 felt fuckin good. The Noisy Freaks God's Calling playing as loud as possible. The hairpin turns, the window down, warm night, and darkness of Old Spanish Trail, I needed the rush. The BMW takes corners like it's on rails. Pissed driving, exhilirating, not safe, and I could care fuckin less.

I'M SO FUCKIN DONE

Today went so well.

My trainer surprised me all day whenever he could. He let me know when he landed every time so we could talk. Awww. Sigh. He even said he thought about me when he was taxi-ing down the runway. Yes, another awwww. He is so cute.

He is very serious, which I LOVE but he actually laughed a few times yesterday and today. And he sends smiley faces in my texts and emails too. Super cute. I am having so much fun with him. He even lets me tease him a bit. He takes it very well. But he knew I was sassy right from the start so he knew what he was getting with me. Sassy ass.

He is so very quiet, controlled, understated, and collected. It's incredibly sexy and very D. But it is also hard to imagine him slamming me against a wall and taking me from behind. So when I tell him that, he tells me I would be surprised. So then I just sit and fantasize about this other side of him that I do not know. And it gets me wet every time. Hell, his voice is a-fucking-mazing and that gets me wet. I don't ever remember being this sexually attracted to someone and I think it is because I am finally realizing what I have wanted all along. Now, I have found this plethora of D men and it feels incredible. And I have found my flyboy who is more than I ever expected. He fascinates me. Even more surprising, he keeps me very interested. I usually lose interest in men very quickly. Every little thing is a deal breaker for me. But now I look back and I have to wonder if it is because I was not looking for what I really wanted. But could I have ever married a D man? I am not sure.

Long day tmw. I am hoping to squeeze a work out in but I am not sure if it is going to happen.

So I am realizing that subtle hints just do not work with me. I need an in-my-face confession or revelation to get what is being said or done. I tend to either overlook things or overthink them. There is no fine line I walk where I see and hear something and process it into perfect sense. I am really meaning in this lifestyle, not so much in general. In business, life, and personal relationships, I am on top of my game. In this D/s, not so much. I find it irritating but I like that I am being kept interested because it is a new thing for me.

Sigh, my trainer is gone all day tomorrow. I will miss him. I have a lot to do tomorrow so it is fine but I like knowing that I can text or call and he is there. OH and I heard his vm message for the first time. So hot! I did not think it was possible that he could get any hotter and there it was. So now I want to hear him over those stupid fuzzy speakers on the plane. I mean who the hell can understand the Captians on those damned things anyway? I wonder if he sounds as hot over those overheads. Guess I would have to fly with him to find out for myself

So what's new. I am in trouble. I could have prevented something and I didn't. My trainer is a little upset with me. So tmw I have to wake up early and get my verbal lashing as well as the punishment he has set out for me. I think the punishment is that I don't get to hear from him all day tmw. That is punishment enough and I hate it. But I know he has other things swirling around in his dirty little mind. Pretty sure cum control is on the menu.

Oh and now that I think about it. Maybe, if I am really good and work off whatever punishment is handed down, he will leave me a vm to give me a smile. I guess I can ask and see what he says. Though if I ask tomorrow, I will probably get a big negative since I am busted.

I ate! And of course "practiced" on my banana too. It's such a great deal. I get a two-fer :)

Workout log: 20 minute on tread at 3.5 incline 2.7 mph 20 min. at 2.5 incline 2.7 mph 10 min at 0 incline 2.7 mph. 2 miles. 10 min on bike, variable difficulty. HR stayed between 150-164 for the whole hour :) 4 reps of 15 each at 50lbs on inner thigh 75 total hip abductors at 37.5lbs. And then my trainer called while I was spread eagle on the hip abductor machine. He's such a naughty boy and he makes me do naughty things. I love it!

He surprised me once again with a call. I did not think I would hear from him until tonight at the earliest. He is so awesome!

OK I bought bananas and I am going to really try to eat this mornig before going to work out.

My flyboy is doing what he does best this morning. He is out flying around and I miss him already. He won't be in until tonight. Boo! I spoke with him from the airport though before he left. I don't like unsettled business before he goes. It bothers me. It's like going to sleep angry. It just doesn't work. So we talked a little. I liked what he had to say. He knows I can be a spoiled little princess. It was the first time he said that to me and I had to smile. I get the sense he would like to get his palm across my ass a few times for what he calls my "transgressions". And he sounds so hot when he says it. He is starting to take back some of the control he has let me get away with. I like it. He knows he has been easy on me but I am thinking that is about to change. So I am taking a deep breath and getting ready to start whatever it is he wants me to do. I am his to do with, as he wishes. I am happily his.

Another great email this morning from another great D. Thank you! So my self doubt is not unusual. I am glad to hear that. I am sure my trainer is already sick of it. Hell, I am sick of it. I need to get the fuck over it and just move forward. He takes the time out of his busy schedule for a reason. I need to realize that. He texts me when he is in the middle of things just to reassure me. I mean, what the hell more do I want? Oh, yes, him pushing me against a wall, with his hand over my mouth.

I had a great night last night. My velvet-voiced trainer soothed me and made me smile. Again, more lessons and things I never thought about. I usually do not find men sexy. I just do not think they can pull it off. Most of the time if they are sexy, it is because they are not trying and it just happens. My trainer, he is SO sexy. He is so calm, confident, and collected and I think about him being aggressive and it just sends me to a place I want to be, immediately. He gives me butterflies. He is what I want. Ahhh revelation. Finally. My pilot, he just makes me happy.

Got the best email this morning from a very clearly great D! Of course, he is super far away. I am not sure I should mention his name in here but his profile is amazing. Everything he said and everything he does with a sub. I am very impressed. Thank you B!

Got my nails done today. I don't like them much. I had black tips, which is pretty daring for me, and I just did not like them. So I attempted to get them redone and now they are worse!

I need to listen to my instincts. It took all of 2 hours and I was already feeling the emptiness of what I really want. But I need to really think long and hard about what it is I really do want and what I can handle.

I am craving physical touch right now and I think my head is telling me one thing and my need is telling me another.

I had a very eye opening evening. One that has taught me a swift lesson, again. My trainer told me this. Because someone says they are D does not make them one. They need to show it. He is right, again. So how do you go about making someone prove they can be D?  

Now back to our regularly scheduled program.......sorry for the brief interruption.

Today, not so awesome. Wow how things change.

My self doubt has grabbed me up and has run off with me once again. What's fucking new?

I am sick to my stomach. I hate this about myself. Always afraid of disappointing someone or not able to please them. So instead, I run. So typical of me. My usual relationships I could care less if I please them because I am D. But in this, I want to be perfect. I do not want to be rejected because I am inexperienced or unable to do something. So then come the "what if's"

What if......

I am not pretty enough

Too fat

My pussy is not shaved right

I wear the wrong clothes

I am not sexy enough

I can not physically "fit" anything

I need more time to perform certain things

And therein lies my aforementioned quesiton about an Owner's responsilibity. If a pet is not sure of herself, is it then his responsibility to make sure she is? Or is it up to the pet to be already sure of herself that she can do anything? I am confused about it. Considering I am still very much a virgin to all of this, I think I take extra care. But that is an opinion and not coming from knowledge I have.

This sucks.

Such an awesome day!

Well, I didn't work out so that's not so awesome. I got dressed and started to head out and ending up doing a U-Turn. I didn't want to be all sweaty and nasty for the dentist. So home I went.

Talked to my velvet-voiced trainer today. I know he was busy but he took the time out to tend to his pet-in-training. :happy:

Went to the dentist. I like my dentist a lot. He is super smart and very funny. Well he put this thing in my mouth that holds my mouth open but is also a suction device at the same time. I had never seen one but very cool idea. He was very rough with my mouth as he put it in. I liked it. I was very lucky because he did it twice, each time being very rough with it and pulling my mouth open. And every thought hit me in my sex and made me wet. I just sat and thought about sex the entire time I was in his chair (about 2 hours). So I hop in the car and rush home, sure that my trainer is going to let me finish myself off (he is usually really easy on me). But nope, denied. Not only that, he teased me even more AND I had to smack myself with a wooden spoon. My ass is still stinging and I have not been allowed to cum. So wow, cool day.

Gym cancelled. I forgot I have the dentist this morning. So I will just sit and play until I have to go. Can't say I am overly disappointed with the change in schedule.

And wow, I love this

OK off to the gym!

Good morning everyone :)

Check in later.

Loved Ridculousness tonight. It's that immature part of me that eeks out at all the wrong time. I am embarrassed to admit I love that show. I have some sick sense of humor. I can't help but laugh when people fuck themselves up.

Today has been an exhausting day emotionally. I feel like I have been on a rollercoaster. Too many ups and downs. Too many people needing too much of what I can not or will not give.

The question in my inbox that needs to be addressed: yes, I ate cheese and grapes tonight and a bottle of water. I got a latte down for lunch. So all is well :) I am eating once a day and sometimes like peanuts before bed or something.

Jealousy. Hmm. Well, I like it. I don't like having it and I really rarely do but I like it when it has to do with me. I think every girl does. Same with feeling protected and cared for. Something I am desperately missing in my every day life. No one cares where I go, who I see, what I do, it is a pretty empty feeling actually. I know it sounds like freedom but it feels like an emptiness. Hard to explain. I like the security of having someone that checks up on me. What is that all about anyway? Wouldn't Freud have a blast with that one?

I wonder if anyone told me to stop coming onto this site, if I could stop. I don't think I could. If for no other reason than my ability to write out how I feel and not worry about who is going to see it. But then there is my need to go into videochat. It one of my favorite features on here. Yes, I like the attention. I like the people actually. But the cams are very fun to watch. I have been really fascinated with some of the things I see (and hear). Oh and speaking of that, mind your manners on cam. I have heard people burp before. Not so sexy! Naked and burping. Just does not get me wet. How could that be? Ha!

Mmmmmm D men....you all really rock my world :) Please never back down to me. I am more s than I come across. It takes very little to shut me down you just have to be confident enough in yourself to do it. Even if I give a little lip back, I am squirming inside with lust and a smile. Trust me!

I forgot to add something. My gym trainer and my pet trainer are two different people. I am confusing terms. Sorry. Sometimes semantics are very important.

Had a very nice long conv. with my pet trainer. I got many things cleared in my head. And got in trouble and punished. I attempted to fuck with him. It did not go as planned because I did not think outside the box and he did. Oops. I def. deal with the punishment of pain better than the punishment of pleasure. The teasing is so hard!

So the email I was waiting for came in :happy:

Forgot to eat again today. I know I promised my trainer but I honestly just do not think about it.

I did 40 min at 3.5 incline, 2.5 mph. 6 min flat at 2.4 mph. And like 2 set of outer thigh. I wonder WHY my workout was cut short? Unexpected visitors to the gym who like to catch me off guard and see me uncomfortable I think. Ah-hem.

Stayed up too late (and you know who you are). Had trouble getting up this morning as I KNOW he did and his day was far more important than mine. I am sure he will not be appearing tonigh. My Great and Mighty Oz. So sweet to me.

When I first signed onto this site, I was not sure I would ever find exactly what I was looking for. I feel like I am getting there, slowly. I am astonished at who the men are on this site and I like it. I still question my worthiness, frequently. My ability to do the right thing and get and keep an Owner. I f-up so much and I require so much attention. Trust me, I hate it too.

There is someone I actually wrote to. Not in my nature. He is pretty perfect actually. I am anxiously waiting a reply from him. Another busy guy, just what I need. I can pick 'em. Maybe I am doing that on purpose? Subconsciouly? Keeping myself from not getting what I want because I always DO get what I want? Hmmmm, interesting theory. I need to think about that one. But this one, is...woah. I really do want to see what happens here.

I frequently think of my first session with someone. I make sure I don't build it up too much in my head. You know how that goes. It's always a let down. But I do think about the pain, pleasure, teasing, and begging on a very tertiary level. I worry that I won't be good at any of it. That I will disappoint. How do I get past that? It's not like I am going to practice. I mean it will be my first time. How do you do it right the first time?

I worked my ass out today! 45 minutes at a 3.5 incline at 2.4 mph. It was sweet! I wish I had more time. 12 min. bike at variable. 4 sets on the butt machine, inner thigh and outer thigh. Spoke with my trainer who is NOT happy I am not eating. I am really trying. I just forget or something, I don't know.

This super hot guy got on the tread next to me. I just kept my head down. I felt him looking over, probably just to be polite and say hi but I just could not get myself to make eye contact with him. When he walked away though, yup, took in that view.

Going to the dentist on Thursday. I like him so much but I really do not like going to the dentist. It's always painful. You'd think I would like that though. Hard to like pain unless you're in a sexual situation though.

Facts:

Coconut is my favorite smell and taste

I don't have a favorite color but I tend to lean to pink a lot

I attempt to work out 5 days a week

I have a hairless cat and a Great Dane

I am carb free...so feel free to taste me

I started riding horses at 3 in western seat. I showed my Quarter Horses until I was 17.

I want to travel somewhere tropical

I never drink alcohol and I obviously do not smoke

I've stayed friends with most of my ex boyfriends

Bad shoes, bad breath, bad at dressing are all deal breakers for me

I hate body hair on myself

I do not have any piercings or tattoos (nope not even ears)

My favorite vampire was Frank Langella in the 1978 Dracula movie

I don't like jewelry on myself or on men except wedding rings and watches

I have a huge crush on Robert Pattinson

I think it ok to have sex with someone but not to spend the night, it is too intimate to sleep together

Love horror movies

I love the sound of running water

I hate spiders

Don't like sitcoms

I had an epiphany today. Now please correct me if I am wrong. Aren't Owners responsible for their pets' emotional well-being as well as physical? I mean they own them correct? So wouldn't an Owner make sure that their pet has what they need physically and emotionally? I am speaking of things like; (emotional needs) feeling wanted, being praised, encouraged, given direction/guidance, (physical needs) orgasm control, pain, pleasure, fitness, nutrition and all that those entail? Or do these relationships exist in spite of themselves? In other words, is it up to the pet to have all of those things within him/herself and the Owner is just an additional bonus?

So here's my thing. I do not want anyone who takes Ownership of me to be afraid they will overstep their bounds. I want to be restricted and controlled, told what to do. I am allowed SO much freedom all the time. I hate it. Hence the reason I am looking for a very strong D male who is D all the time in his every day life.

There is SO much more to this than sex and I am not sure every D is getting that point. Esp. with Fem Subs. It's the mindfuck and the ability to control her in your absence. Control means you tell her what, when, who and how. Throw in a little jealousy and it's a perfect combo, for me at least.

My trainer was very good to me this morning. I got an on-time call, a great tease and I got to cum. But I forgot to ask if I could cum. OOPS. I need so much training. He is punishing me a little but not nearly what I deserve or want. The subject of my email did not come up either. I was not overly surprised about that though. It seems to be forgotten. I was sort of hoping for that to be addressed. He gave me a few words of hope. I was happy to hear them. He said I have the makings to be possibly be a good pet. Do I?

I wish he would just lay down the law with me but maybe he feels like he is not the position to since he does not Own me. So I am still Owner free. ::shrug:: Maybe I am not good enough to be anyones pet?

Hmmm great men are climbing out of the woodwork. What is going on with that? Maybe I am finally getting the right groove going here.

Picked up the new 535i. It's cute. Not perfect though. I was promised a new black M3 if I took this one though. And with that, I settled and made several men happy with my decision. Not in my nature to settle, at all. I do not believe in it! Oh did I mention it's not even my car? Why did my decision even matter? Ugh, if someone would have said "not your car, not your decision", I would have backed down. Damn. I am so sub and no one knows it.

Be back in a bit. I MUST work out today.

My fun is coming to an end in a few short hours. That is until I am promptly ignored once again.

I am currently reading: http://christiangrey50shades.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/meet-fifty-shades-continued_7908.html?zx=fedb24155fc2188f

And shut it if you have anything to say about it.

Tmw we drive to PHX to pick up the new BMW. I should be excited but I am just blah over it. I think I will make reservations to go to a spa for a week. That should pick me up a bit. I am looking at FireSky. I have not been there so if anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it. Miraval in Tucson is my other choice. I have not been there either.

Got an unexpected text from my trainer. It was a nice surprise. Wish I was more excited about it. I mean it is always nice to hear from him and I love that he surprises me, I just wish he would call me or email me too. I know, I am the biggest attention whore. Whatever.

God I am in a pissy mood.

Tanned and swam. Listened to my new favorite song, Blood by In this Moment and of course my Lords of Acid is always fitting :) Currently on my play list:
Godsmack Awake or Voodoo. Type O Negative Black No. 1, The Smiths How Soon is Now? Mutemouth Clippin. All a little naughty and dark. It is how I am feeling right now. But all in a very good way.

I did end up eating last night at about 10. Tuna and some black olives. Do black olives have a lot of calories?

Said good morning to my favorite PHX stud. Actually we have moved into an email thing...woo progress. He is so beautiful and makes me laugh. I really think he is super cool. I like him a lot. He seems fun.

My new friend got another good work out last night. I have vowed to put him down for awhile. I know my trainer wants me raw and sore and I would say I am pretty much there but I am also going to start getting frustrated. This thing is so spot on that I have noticed it gets to a teasing point if I don't cum right away. And I am wet just typing about it. I am also very tempted. I need to just stop it for a bit. I do say though, he is a really great replacement for the real thing. So in that sense, I feel relief. What I am still not getting is the actually physical part of having an Owner. But right now, I am kinda OK with that because I am being pretty satisfied with my new toy. Not sure how long that will last though. My need for a mindfuck is still 100% there. I still need to be called baby (so badly), I still need to be told what to do and what not to do. I love when someone thinks I am beautiful (even if they are lying, I'll take it!). I want someone to check up on me. I want someone jealous. I guess I still want what every girl wants. If I could get that, I may be good to go for awhile at least :)

He answered my email today :happy:

SO no need to punish me. I got sunburned today and I feel like I have been spanked all over! OUCH! I am in pain AND I am catching a cold. Ugh, this sucks.

I am having a really hard time with in-person attention. It's like someone flirts and I think he's cute but omg, he could never give me what I need. I spoke to my trainer about it and he said I would be surprised at how many guys would actually do what I wanted. The thing is, I really want someone with experience. I don't want to have to train someone...I am too new at this myself. I need someone to take control. If you tell them how, it defeats the whole purpose. Well, in my head it does. I just think an Owner should already know what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. I know, it's not fair. Here I am new spouting off about how someone should already know what to do. But that is why I can not ever follow through with just a "normal" guy. It'll never happen. Sad. There are some super cute guys at the gym and such.

New entry at the request of the my AZ Hot Body.

"Said good morning to my favorite little AZ hot body this morning. He is so adorable and has THE hottest body! He makes me laugh. His ass is simply exquisite. A very nice thing to wake up to this morning. He is yummy."

I need to rephrase it LOL!

He is in NO WAY little. Let me start first with he is very tall @ 6'1 which is one my favorite features about him. He is the perfect weight @190, all muscle and tasty goodness. And his ah-hem is quite stunning and very large. I have seen photos but not experienced it myself. Though not sure I could take it anyway.

He called me baby today and geezus, is he trying to kill me or what?

I was thinking about this. My new toy is a toy! It is not a dildo like the Dr. asked me to get. It is quite small actually. I am still struggling to get it in and back out but it is not tearing me which is such a relief for once! I really should have gotten something to help stretch me out. I think I got caught up in the moment. And OMG can anyone compare to my new little friend? I feel like I have everything I need. I used it 5 times yesterday. I came 13 times and I still could have done more. Seriously, this is THE best toy. I should go and thank my little salesgirls in person

My trainer asked me to go to a website to look at things. I did. He was right, there are some really hot videos and some videos that were quite shocking. I did find something I kinda liked and watched. Which is what prompted my weekend kickoff trifecta (pre-friend). Now with my new friend, I am afraid to go back to that site. I am already insatiable and now I have this new toy, match that with that website and no one will ever see me again. I am re-thinking my request to be teased. Which I should tell my velvet-voiced trainer. He is so OMG. He texts me, emails me, or calls me and I am ready to go, always. His existence is a tease! It's bad. What does he know that I do not? I have always prided myself on being educated and pretty smart. So what I do not understand is how someone can make me so weak just by a few words? I am not that weak-minded. How does he keep me insatiable but able to wait until he gives me the green light? I am usually so defiant but I want to please him. I am so fascinated with all of this.

Said good morning to my favorite little AZ hot body this morning. He is so adorable and has THE hottest body! He makes me laugh. His ass is simply exquisite. A very nice thing to wake up to this morning. He is yummy.

My new toy has gotten a real work out. I have been doing as instructed. I am sore but ready for more. I thought for sure he was going to take back my instruction to punish me for what I did yesterday. But he didn't. So now I have to sit and wait to see if I will be punished. Maybe not. He refused to open the email because he "did not care for the title" So maybe I will not get in trouble since he claims he did not read it. So I am all good this morning.

I think I will go swimming and tan today. I may work. Or I should work. Who knows.

And he played me right. Set my ass straight. I need to be punished. No question. I apologized and I mean it. I will never do it again. I respect him too much. Damn he is good.

A huge wave of doubt just washed over me.

I can't compare.

What do I need? What do I really want?

Well, that lasted about 30 minutes. I LOVE my new toy!

I have like 5 minutes before I have to go so this will be a quick entry.

What a day!

So went and saw the girl parts Dr. I was very explicit with her about my concerns. So she checked me. And as I already knew, I am "very narrow". All part of my issue which I have always known about. So I asked her what I can do. She said to buy a dildo. HA! OK so first, she was in early-mid 70's and when she said dildo, I had to hold back an immature school girl giggle. I just did not expect that to come out of her mouth. It was shocking. Secondly, there is not much else I can do about it. She said I need more sex and to use the dildo more or I will never loosen up down there. Well, the bad news is it's always been this way and it is not likely to change. I guess my hope was with time and maturity that things would loosen up. Guess not. There were certain contraceptives I could never use because nothing would fit. So I knew at an early age I had this issue. And now, it's just something I have to always deal with. Which does not bode well for my sex life. Shoe horn and lube, STAT!

So under Dr.'s orders (and my trainer), I head to Fascinations. I thought it was called Sinsations. I go in and some guy is there asking the salesgirl about vibrators. I walk in and I am overwhelmed with the choices. I mean, what the hell do I know about what I want or need. I would have taken all of them. They all looked fine to me. But then she starts talking about this one that hits the G-Spot. Well, that perks me up. My G-Spot always is ready to be paid attention to! She said that the G-Spot is flat and that is why this particular vibrator has a flat top. So I wait for them to leave and I go over to that section. I am looking at 3 vibrators and I am not exactly sure which one she was talking about. Fortunately (sorta), she comes back over with the guy and I ask her which one it was. She points it out and I knew that was "the one". So I grab, don't even care what it costs and I go up to the counter. The salesgirl comes up and asks if I am ready and I said yes. I then notice her and she is super cute and I am pretty sure a lesbian. Now I not only want the vibrator, but I would love to get to know her too. She is totally my type. Though I have no been with a girl since I was 21 and really not desired to, she interests me. She says "Oh I like your shirt" and on purpose I say "Yes, it has London on it somewhere. I just got back so I thought I'd get a shirt to remind me of it." She then points out where London is on my shirt. I knew where it was. I just wanted her to find it for me. She then says that I will like the vibrator I got and asked if I wanted batteries. Well, hells bells, I am NOT stopping for batteries. I already had enough to do. I wanted to get the fuck home and bang myself as quickly as possible. Wow, that was a classy thing to say. Sorry. I usually keep stuff like that myself. But like I said, I have freedom on here.

So I do a few things and then fight with my new toy to get the batteries in. One minute in and I cum. Like woah. I am ready to go again but I have things to do. Boo hoo!

So tonight I plan on being on cam for sure but how long can I stay away from my new toy?

My plan this morning was to maybe take a nap, work out, tan, work, and chat. All that is blown. I forgot I had a Dr. appt. today. Going to have my girl parts tuned and lubed :) Gotta keep everything in shape, yes? I am going to Sinsations this morning though! Super excited to see what I get! He knows that I need to be very picky because I can't take those big huge dildos. So I need to make sure whatever I get will be a good "fit".

I had an unexpected text AND email this morning. It was so awesome to wake up to them. I did not expect to hear from him at all until Tuesday. He is always surprising me, keeping me happy. How the fuck does he do that? He gives me just enough to keep me from going astray.

I love his assessment at things. He lets me have a lot of rein, which I do not want and I am hoping that changes. I think I need to prove myself to him before he will take more control. I am not sure how long I am willing to wait for that though. And therein lies the issue at hand. I'm part his, part not. So what part behaves and what part is allowed to do whatever I want? He keeps me libidinous all the time and then leaves me as he to says "to your own devices" Is that a test? A challenge to see if I can handle myself? Ugh! Can't he just take me and bind me up already?

I have no idea what happened to my other account. It still is there, taunting me. But that is ok, a fresh start never hurts.

So my, whatever he is, called me today. He is letting me go crazy this weekend since I am alone and he is gone till Tuesday. So I am making a run to Sinsations and picking something out that he wants me to get. I am super excited because I don't have anything really. I already got started with a Trifecta to start my weekend early. I need to thank him for the website he sent me.

So where do things stand. Oh, all part of his control. Giving me some but never enough. Driving me crazy. I get butterflies when I think about him, his voice, and our play session yesterday. Then I am suddenly hit with him being gone for 5 days and it's not so fun anymore. But I knew what I was getting into. In fact, I know better than most. I am from a family of jet jocks. I know the game and it is why I stayed away from it. Though my Dad's friends were SO hot! LOL! They used to come over after flying or whatever and they were dressed in their "shit hot flight suits", that's all I know them by. It's what they would call them. Or sometimes their Summer Whites. OMG, nothing more gorgeous than a Naval Fighter Pilot. I am telling you. But it was never enough to pull me in. My grandfather was also a fighter pilot and I just saw the absences and decided it was not for me. And here I am. Fucked. And not fucked LOL! Damn it. And it's all I want to do. I have become salacious since meeting him.

I did end up changing my profile like he asked me to. But I know he is not checking. So I am not going to change this one and see what happens.

I also know he does not read my entries. I wonder if he will ever catch on that I write my thoughts out on here.

He wants me to write him an email while he is gone. All I can get out so far is "I want you to own me". I actually did say that today. Kinda shocked myself with my forwardness with him. He said he knew but we would be taking it slow. So those are my orders and that's that. Maybe he needs to see me in person. Maybe he needs to make sure I can obey (not off to a good start on that one), I am not sure. I spoke with one D tonight who said all any D needs is the ability to control the mind. I thought that was interesting. I kinda liked it. My mind is def. somewhere someone can get to me. Without question.

So I've purposely been avoiding the eating subject. Just can not seem to get a grip on that. I really do forget. And then it is too late. Last night I barely even ate dinner. I can't let that start happening and live on a Grande Latte a day! So tonight I made sure I had skinless chicken and a salad. I did buy bananas and there they sit.