hello again everyone...

i keep trying figure out what it is i want. that seems to change everyday.

until recently, i was living in a place i could be myself, so now i'm pretty happy. except for moving so far away from my family and all my bdsm playmate and friends, i'm doing fine now. i know no one really reads these journals, but sometimes i just need to vent.

since i'm a Domm'e and a lil' girl...i'm conflicted alot of the time. but, still...life goes on. i'll be heading back to texas for a short time, to finish packing up my stuff. kinda excited and dreading it at the same time. i know why i'm having those feelings, but i'm still trying figure out why i miss the home i was living in with my ex-hubby. i certainly don't miss an abusive jerk, but i think what i miss is what we had once. when we quit using dope, our marriage began to fall apart. i had always wondered, and feared would happen, did. we had been married for 27yrs, 3 kids and a fairly good life and marriage, so i thought that no matter what our problems were after we quit using, that if we both wanted things to improve, they would. but he changed too much...or maybe i did, because everything just started to fall apart. at 1 month or so, of being sober from meth, we had a huge fight. bigger than anything we had ever had before. that ended in our son calling the police and the ex going to jail, and i was taken to the ER. eventually he was convicted of felony domestic abuse and battery, which of course, he still blames me for.

so the million-dollar question is...why do i even miss him? why do i still think/wish that we were still together? i tried for 5 more years. we finally broke up in 2012, but for financial reasons and my impending disability kept me in the same house with him for a year. 

now i'm flying back for a few weeks to finalize the move, and i'll have to stay with him again. i'm hoping this is the finality we are both needing, but that it is the beginning of the healing process for both of us. i know in my heart, that i've already been grieving over the significant loss, for many years, but now it's time to move through the grief process as swiftly as possible, or i'm gonna lose my mind.

ok..enough venting.

thanks for reading.

Angel