When the world stands against you and the people you loved are all gone, where do you go?

Who do you turn to in your darkest hour when the only thing that can save you is a warm embrace?

Jzael Kor knew only the briefest glances of her family before they were taken away by war, struck down by famine, and left groveling in the dirt. Her mother died bringing her into this world, the last of three children and the only girl.

Baine Kor knew nothing of raising children, only how to discipline her brothers with a heavy hand from years striking the anvil. He would leave them sprawled in whimpering piles, glaring hate from beneath what furniture they had decided to hide under.

When Jzael was six, the men pounded on the door, the soldiers with their shiny armor and horses. They needed a smith on the front lines to repair armor and any able bodied boys strong enough to hold a sword. Both her brothers Kaleb and Branford were taken, nine and twelve, to be slaughtered. Her father gathered his things and left, leaving her with nothing.

They could not take her, he said, his hand on her shoulder as he knelt down beside her. But he would return, they all would. He promised.

Jzael worked the forge, fixing little things in their small village, though she was clumsy at first. I'm the smith's daughter, she would say, refusing to give up while she waited for them to return.

Six turned to sixteen, but no one returned home. No news came for weeks as villagers slowly returned, most battered beyond recognition, haunted by death. Most were dead, they said, including her brothers and father. They died when the enemy raided camp and slaughtered them all, leaving only a few lucky survivors. But they won the war, pushing back the other kingdom, though none of the villagers cared.

Jzael wept, knowing no one was coming home. No family. She was all alone in the world again.

As the seasons passed, she came of age to be wed. Though strong from the anvil, she still remained beautiful. A vision of her mother, she heard in whispers and gossip. Men tried to woo her, but she turned down all their advances, the anvil her only love.

Eyes green like the fields in spring, hair in glittering waves of the darkest night, with stars that sparkled when the sun hit it. Tanned skin as beautiful as amber, the bards sang, trying to woo her to make a choice. But still she refused, ignoring them for the repair to the axe on her anvil.

"But my lady smith, you are beautiful." Tvorn Rasmeen had been hounding her for a week now, selling his spices in the village center before coming back to her home every night.

"And I've told you Tvorn, I do not want to wed. I have everything I need here, my tools, my trade, my home." He leaned closer, his clothes smelling of jasmine as she hammed sparks from a chipped axe.

"But you need to be taken care of, loved like no other." Jzael smirked, forcing herself not to glance towards the bedroom, lest he get the wrong idea.

"I am loved and taken care of, by my people. They provide, Tvorn." He sighed as he got up from his chair, going to the door.

"If you ever change your mind, I'll be here until the first snow." Jzael rolled her eyes as the door closed behind him, putting her hammer down. Dark had come while they had been arguing again, the axe fixed and needing sharpened. She cooled the hot metal in oil and let it rest, going to the bedroom.

She drew water for her bath, easing into the heated depths and letting it take her aches away. The day had been long, selling axes and repairing old ones, fixing odds and ends while trying not to fall for the men around her. They were dangerous, cunning and only wishing to take what she had been left.

Her eyes closed as she rubbed dirt and dust from herself, washing the sweat from herself. Her soap smelled of lilac, something her father had always said reminded him of her mother. The irony that it was what she bathed with never left her, being she looked like her.

Jzael let her mind wander in the bath as the water cooled, thinking back to the dreams she had. The lover that had been coming to ease the ache between her thighs, though she knew no one would dare do it. But the dreams felt so real, as her ache returned.

She drained the bath and dressed for bed, a simple gown that covered everything, just enough. Though she wore nothing beneath it, she knew she didn't need to. No one but her dreams would be haunting her tonight, and that made her giddy with excitement.

As Jzael drifted off to sleep, the dream started, the candle beside her bed leaving a sweet smell of smoke after she had blown it out.

A man entered her room, similar to Tvorn, but she didn't mind.

404 FUCKS NOT FOUND

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Today is one of those lazy days where getting out of bed seems to be the biggest obstacle today. I don't want to move or even go out and buy myself a new notebook though I so desperately need one. I also need to buy another bathing suit and some summer clothes for my vacation. But alas, the laziness is winning and I can't help but sit here stupefied by it.

So how is it that we accomplish anything if procrastination and laziness win out? That is something that has always perplexed me as I sit here staring at my novel and poking it with a stick. I want to finish it and edit it, but the laziness is tearing me apart. Blah! I did get some work done Sunday though so I'm quite proud of myself for that. Beyond that I really am bored with this single life.

The whole waiting for that one person to sweep me off my feet and wow me. Cliche, yes but it is what I'm pretty much sitting here waiting for. I've got no other reason to do anything besides pack for my vacation and try to overcome the sudden laziness that plagues me.

I took down my list of "you must be this" because honestly it's only a chart to try and make someone who could be awesome into something they're not. I figured that if I really liked the person, we'd get along just fine without be saying they have to be something else. Makes sense right? I mean I can't change who I am so why should you try to please me when all I want is a conversation?

Honestly, is that too much to ask for? Someone to actually have a conversation with me instead of asking me for pictures? I mean come on. How stupid is that? Are we a society that doesn't even communicate beyond sex anymore?

It's one of those nights that makes you question your sanity. The question of faith and a place in this world. I know that I will never take second place to anything except my blood children. So here's your warning fuckers, I will NOT adopt any kids of yours nor will I take a backseat to them. They aren't mine, nor will I ever learn to love them. I want my own family, not your broken one. It may seem heartless, but honestly, I'm not your glorified fuckbuddy babysitter and I will not accept the "Oh baby, but I have a kid, I don't want anymore" excuses.

So I basically told a few people tonight to step off. To back the hell up and don't even try. I'm twenty three, not thirty and I haven't had a kid nor do I want to at this moment. I want to have someone who is responsible and not just looking for a quick fuck or a way into my panties. Honey, that'll come later and I'll make up for it when I'm damn well ready to.

On that note though, my heart is a tired place. Right now I'm just flirting to flirt because it takes the edge off my problems. But I'm a broken angel and I don't think anyone here has the glue to put my wings back together so I can fly again. Right now, I'm not ready to try. I just want to talk and get to know people, not have them know the color of my panties. :3

Xxx Nina

Happy Halloween!

Sometimes it's just the pain in your heart that keeps you alive. Sometimes it's just the music you listen to. Though drink and drugs may be some other person's reasons for living, they are not mine.

Instead I wear my necklace proudly for all to see and keep with it the memories. The fire in my heart that will not die and no man or woman can replace. Though they may bank the fire for just a moment in time, it always returns twice as strong to blind my pain at the loss of another love.

So for another 11 days I sit here and wait while the flight plan comes ever closer. The fire in my heart burning and my anxious but excited mind buzzing. What will I see in this promised land? The one that I have memories of rejecting me or accepting me? The questions bounce around as I try to sleep each night, crying as the fantasies haunt my vision.

Just a friendly warning before you read on. It's a look inside my head. If you don't like what you see, I warned you first. :)

Lately I've been snapping at everyone who comes too close to me. I have no patience and my emotional tolerance is pretty low. I watch people kiss in public and want to go smack them. Why? I have no idea. All I know is that something is bubbling pretty deep inside of me and it's about to overflow.

I don't know why I want people to care when I'm like this. But then, I want a physical hug. Not some words on a screen that won't help at all. The voice on the phone won't do anything for me. I think this is the result of holding it all in. The letdowns and the frustrations. Calling all the shots when all I want is a spot on the sidelines cheering from a safe distance. The front lines aren't for me, I promise.

I just don't want to sit there and explain myself to fourteen different people. The situation is the same. I'm hurting somewhere because of someone and I just want to lash out at everyone. Why? Because a cornered animal will do that. When backed against a wall, an animal will show their fangs to you and make you think twice. I feel the same way. Like I've been backed into a wall by constant demands and I don't know where to go.

I want to answer all the messages I get. I want to explain myself better. I want to be appreciated and liked. But I find myself tripping over my words. I stutter when I'm nervous and swap words. My tongue becomes thick and I have to take a second to repeat what I've said. Sometimes I feel like I'm not even in control of the situation. It feels as if I'm sitting there holding my breath.

Even in perfect stillness I find myself wanting to run. To do something just to keep my mind from the melt down I feel coming. Why? Because the world isn't fair. Life isn't fair to the extreme and I'm tired of trying to believe it is. When I turned left, the world went right. So I walked the path alone. No one wants to hear my problems or fears. The things that keep me awake at night. And that bothers me immensely. Most of the people here swear they're looking for "love" or that they "really care" and things like that. I laugh at most of them and take some of it with a grain of salt. But then the ones I don't usually end up burning me. Maybe that's why I'm agitated tonight.

I got burned pretty good. I was trying to release some tension and stress and I got shot down hard. I was trying to release the tension that was bubbling through. The nervous giggles that were coming weren't from me being happy. They were the cracks in the control I normally have. The iron clad control that keeps everything in and everyone else out. It keeps my heart from feeling the pain and when I got shot down, I felt it close tight again. But that only causes more harm than good. Around the screws that hold that solid door together, some of it is leaking through.

The anger, hatred, guilt, pain. It all leaks through at some point to some degree. Right now I'm lashing out because I'm trying to burn off some of it. But I can't outrun it. I can't run it into the ground so I can laugh and smile again. Instead, I have to wait until the door bursts open and I am left a heaving puddle on the floor. When that day comes, I fear I may be too sick to move. But that happens. I'd rather let it out all at once than deal with it a little at a time. Maybe I'll heal this time?

I doubt it though. There's always a candle of hope that flickers deep in the dark depths. It may be cold and wet down there, but it's there. Somewhere. That small beacon of hope that keeps me trudging through the waist deep muck, over icy rocks and through small holes that I only can wiggle through. Deep inside myself where heaven isn't an option and hell is just another word for fluffy bunny. That is the place where only a bubble exists in the sea of self loathing hatred. That bubble of hope that keeps me going, no matter how small a flame it carries within. It keeps me going.

As for the sea I must wade through to get to those depths, I see the images of the past. The things I've done and regret, never to forgive myself for. Images of pain I've received no matter the form. Things that threaten to drown me if I let them. Yet that little ball of light keeps me going. The flickering flame that may go out at any moment. It still burns even after all these years. Yet I want to extinguish it. I want to close it in my fist and let it burn me just because I know without it I would be a different person.

The process to putting out that flame is quite simple. Go to the source of it and let that source put it out for me. One plane ride. One car ride. One destination and a few choice words and that flame would die forever. Never to be lit again. It would pop the protective bubble and drown in the muck of my own hate and depression. The black tar would eat it alive and I'd be left watching the world through the eyes of someone either better or worse. Whether I move forward or try my best to relight the candle, I don't know which would happen. But it is only a thought right now. I have a month to decide on it.

Til then, I will try to ride these turbulent waters inside the caves as they threaten to overflow and push past the iron gate. Though I still haven't figured out why they're acting up. Perhaps the water level is too high again and the pressure is building?

You're welcome to read on, but just a warning. It is a rant about my emotions and such things. So I warned you.

I remember the day I made that mistake. Went out to TNG and brought a friend with me. I liked him and was drawn to him. A little jealous that he was talking to other girls, but I would get over that. I had a lot of things going on and I wasn't going to mess it up for one night with some play boy.

I was wrong.

Being drunk and cuddling is apparently a bad thing. I kept telling him "I'm going to see someone so no, I'm not going to sleep with you." And it happened. Sigh.

Now, emotionally used and battered 2 years later, I'm shivering as I'm trying to get my emotions back together. Watching as his whole family turned to hate me and too many people are telling me just to "get over it already" before they look at me. If I was bleeding and stitched up, they'd not tell me that. Healing takes a long time, emotional even longer apparently.

My smile is empty, my laugh hollow. My singing is off key and sounds worse than anything I've heard in years. My heart still bleeds. I'm still blaming myself for things that happened. I should have hit him, hurt him, left, etc. I keep going back through that train of thought. There's no reason for it, but I do. I'm stuck in that one moment before it happens, hating myself for letting it happen.

I shouldn't. I should love myself for having the strength to stand up to him. For standing for what I believed. Standing with arms crossed, asking him to explain why he's pulling away from me. Asking him to tell me why girls are cybering with him and why he isn't sexually attracted to me anymore. Why he's pretending to be me and wearing my clothes. But I never got any answers. Just anger. Just raw anger directed at me for no reason. My own frustration and anger answered back and we fought. Arguments, him storming out, me sitting there crying and hurt. Yet I still stood up and walked out one day. Took what was most important to me, packed my stuff and drove the 3 hours leaving him the apartment, family, and whatever else he had that was his. I moved back in with my Sister and left my job. I paid the ultimate price and he just laughed it off and told me he had been using me for months.

How devastated I was to learn I had put so much of my heart into a relationship that wasn't real. That I had tried so hard and all for nothing. That he already had someone else and lied to me the entire time.

I remember laying on the floor curled up with my cat and dog hysterical. I had just watched my entire world collapse in a day. The truth came out in a rush from his mouth, like he was afraid to tell me and then in his anger got some courage. I watched the truth be worse than anything I had ever known. Had ever imagined. I figured he may be flirting online, whatever.

No.

He was cheating at work, getting sex at work, staying out to hang out with his new girl. Buying her shit all the time and wasting our rent money on it. Didn't care that I was working two jobs. That I was practically dead to the world after having to smile and wave at everyone all day. 16 hours I worked straight just for him. Just to keep a roof over our heads. All for nothing!
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

And what do I have to show for it? My dog died when I came back to NY from digestion problems. My cat is a total brat and I'm emotionally screwed up in the head.

Why? Because that's how the world works. Someone is always looking to fuck you over and ruin everything you have.

I trusted him. Gave him all the access his insecure little head could handle and he still used me, abused me, and tossed me aside like trash when something better came along. Sigh.

Now to start over.

I still cry over having to walk out of the dojo. Having to leave my Sensei and Senpai. I miss them deeply, but I know I'd never be welcome back there now. He's warped them to hate me. Just like everyone else. So now I've crossed off another state from my list of "can visit." I don't want the memories when I go there so I just avoid it like the plague. But that's life.

You live and you learn. Now I must live and forgive. Someday, I hope I can get over this wall and back to the land of sunshine and happiness. At least some what. I don't like being in this numbed state, but I know it is for my protection. It is protecting me from my own pain that is overwhelming and still strong.

Someday.

So today I sat there and held my phone to my chest. It has a picture of my Master, the man I respect and cherish. I was having nightmares again about the icky mind-controlling wasps that I read about in a erotica. Except this time they were taking over the world. Ick. And I kept messing up so people from the future somehow would tell us to change something, do something to fix it. We were figuring out that radio waves were disrupting their brains. How cute.

But yeah, that erotica started out hot until the girl actually, stupidly, let it take over her brain. Then she started killing people. Sigh. That's when things started getting less hot and more nightmare-ish. I like my brain the way it is. Though sometimes I have moments where I can't remember shit, I'd prefer those over not being able to control myself.

If I were in that situation, I'd have ripped the thing off the back of my head [it was an egg that was slowly burying itself into her skull and she had a week to get it off..] an then took fire to the whole nest of ickies and burnt it to the ground even if that meant burning everything else with it.

Ugghh.

It makes me want to read the very end of it and see if they did eventually kill the bugs...? I can't remember if I skipped ahead. I got disgusted that she couldn't say something to anyone or end her own life. I'd prefer to die before I let myself hurt someone else at the orders of someone else.

Shudder.

Some of the eroticas that are sci-fi are a little weird. Some are gory and not really hot. I'm sad I read this one because I thought it was cool she was like a mindless sex slave and then she couldn't force herself to kill herself before she got others infected. That made me sad. .-. Sigh.

Complaining about something that isn't real. Lol. How sad is that?

When you're around them, face to face, to don't hear the snide comments they say behind your back. As I sat there on my knees, crying and trying to hold my shit together long enough to get out, I realized something. He wasn't crying. He wasn't sorry I was leaving. He was happy. Why?
When I got home to NY I tried to realize what went wrong. Why he sat there, half drunk, with a smile on his face. Like he finally got rid of me. Why?
I don't get now why he now swears I'm crazy, a liar, and a cheater. That sounds just like the girl he dated before me. Wait a minute...
He cheated on her and swears she pulled away from him so he had no choice.
Wait a damn second.
Life is pretty cruel to repeat itself on two different girls from two different places. No wonder she disappeared. His family listened to him. Even got brainwashed to him. They even started saying she was a bad person. I would bet anything that if I talked to her, she would have said he cheated on her and started pulling away from her first. Just like he did to me.
So why does it surprise me now that he is throwing me under the bus to hide his own mistakes? Again.
So alone I sit, trying to sift through what I did wrong, brainwashed by his constant putdowns and insults. How I can't survive without him and that I'm an idiot. ... Wait a minute. I'm not an idiot and I'm sitting here breathing without him.
Strange how his predictions didn't come true. Yes I'm a little depressed and I'm tired from the nightmares, but I'm alright. I'll move past him and his stupidity and become a stronger person. I won't make the same mistakes.
Nobody on this planet can tell me who and what I am. I am myself. Only I know the truth of what I've done. If I ever cheated, I know it. If I lied to someone, I know too. So why is everyone else so sure that I cheated when I know for a fact I didn't? Surprising how they're all psychic and know me huh? <3

Wow, I'm trying not to cry as I write this. I just looked into the eyes [figuratively] of someone who is going through what I went through four months ago. Reading the symptoms, the sudden lashes of anger, withdrawal, blame game, and so forth, have hit home inside my heart.
I feel deeply for that girl who is suffering now, realizing her world is falling from beneath her. I remember the same feeling as I knew three months before that my world was ending. The weightlessness as I felt the tears flow, knuckles badly bruised, my anger flowing through me. Yet all he found when he came home was my smile and my urge to say nothing was wrong though he didn't care at all. He never asked. I was falling apart on the inside and I rallied myself to survive.
Now this girl is falling apart and isn't able to pull herself together yet. She will though, if it is going the way I think it is. I sympathize with her screaming heart. I can feel it in my own chest, even though all I want to do is cry myself.
You put that trust in someone, want them to understand you. They are your protector, provider, emotional grounding place. They keep you coming back, no matter how things are, whether you need to scream for joy or sadness. They are your home.
Now imagine that home ripped out from underneath you. A pit of darkness floats below, filled to the brim with spiders, or your worst fears. You don't want to go there. Terrified and watching all the faces around you laugh, unable to reach out as you start sliding ever closer. Anyone who can help you, you cling to them with a death grip as solid as stone. But will you drag them down with you? If no one reaches out their hand, you grab the person you trusted who opened this pit. This is where a normal relationship would end. He wouldn't let you grab on. He'd cut you loose, let you fall and walk away and never come back. But in this situation, he lets you grab on, even reaches out his hand. Tells you everything is going to be okay, that nothing is wrong. But deep in your heart, you feel it. The pit below you, knowing it is coming. Anytime he can let go of you but he won't. Not yet. Why? Because you're keeping a roof over his head perhaps or the sex is just that good. Maybe he even wants to keep you around because he can't find someone else to take your spot right away. But the most likely reason is because he doesn't want to be blamed if you lose it and blow your head off or be spiteful to him. Breaking his stuff, silly things like that. But eventually he is going to drop you in the pit or shake you off and you will be alone.
Sometimes you can come back from the pit of death. But then that depends on the guy. Will he realize he loves you after the fact and then dive in and rescue you from death? Even if your fears turn into his? Will he wade in and carry your broken and bruised body out? We can dream can't we?
I didn't want to panic the girl, but I had to tell her the truth. All of the symptoms screamed the same thing I knew. He's getting ready to leave. He's going to one day stand up and walk out the door or like in my situation, throw her out.
So I went back to the post and tried to contact the girl, tell her "I can give you a shoulder to cry on since I've been there." but I can't message her at all. Can't even pull up her profile. I guess that means she blocked me? Whatever.
I've always shown up with bad news, the harsh reality that nobody wants to hear. Hate me for it, go ahead. But I'm sorry that he's following the same protocol that my Ex followed, to the letter mind you. I wouldn't be surprised if he was on dating sites too behind her back. But let her fall on her face. I was only intrigued because it was similar to my own situation.

So those are my thoughts for now. I've gotten a bit distracted..
I wish her luck and hopefully it turns out different.

<3 Nina & Aura

Each day is just like the last, I feel a tiny bit better but that's about it. My heart isn't healed, my wounds are still open, my body is not the same. I like darker music, even weirder music than before. I bad mouth my ex as much as I can, though some weird part of me worries about him. I don't understand what this is. Is it part of being hurt so bad that you can't cope and your emotions shut down?
I was a submissive, a loyal girlfriend, someone who had dreams, feelings, emotions. Then I lost myself when he decided to cast me aside. All those negative feels bubbled up and I fought them all. I couldn't fall apart. I've never been allowed to just collapse and curl up in the corner and be hurt. People always come after me when I try, telling me I need to grow up, get over it, move on. Like it is easy. I have the constant Dom asking me to be his submissive, the need for attention always in the back of my mind.
I struggle within myself, fighting off all the people who want to be with me when all I want to do is run. I have that fight or flight feeling constantly now. Like I need to run until I'm all alone in the cold night and cry until nothing comes out. When I left, I wasn't allowed to cry. I couldn't let myself break. I cried and had to pull myself together while packing my stuff. I drove three hours in hail, thunderstorms, and pelting downpours to get home in the dark. To go back to my family.
And when I got back, I of course cried, but I got up the next day and had to do other things. Had to act like nothing had happened. Though every other word out of my mouth was hate and of him. Why though? I am bitter it ended, bitter how it ended. How I lost so much when I made a bet and took a chance.
Now I'm back where I started with a lot less than when I left. Do I hold him responsible? No. Or at least I'm trying not to. It's hard though not to blame him. I fell for those blue eyes and that rogue lost puppy look. Not knowing anything about him, barely knowing anything. I jumped like a fool. I got taken in by a family with more issues than I want to know about.
I missed all my friends, family, and the ocean. I was a water girl, born and raised by the sea. I lived in a valley for a year and a half and hated it. Yeah the mountains were so nice and pretty, but I still wanted by ocean and my home. I never called it home. Never felt like I was home. It felt like I was in another place, another time, and I had made a huge mistake.
Now as I live my life, I wonder where to go. Who to trust. I look at every Dom who comes near me with suspicion. I can't reach out my hand and trust like they seem to believe. I have my own issues, my own problems. I've been betrayed so many times that each layer hurts worse than the last.
I've been contemplating for awhile now to go out and do something productive. Therapy? Maybe. I'm not sure yet. When I'm ready to take that step, I will. But no one in this world can force me to do anything.
Eventually I'll work through my need for attention. I know part of the reason is because when I sit still and just let my mind go, I find it going to the more horrible memories. As if taunting me telling me that I was there. I let that happen to me. It pushes my emotions to the surface, causing me to freak out pretty bad. Though I think that is just from so much being released at once. But it scares me. Feeling as if I'm out of control. I'm scared of myself sometimes. I know I don't work through a lot of problems and that I have a lot to sift through in these last 8 years.
Jealousy... That is a whole bunch of stupidity. I remember all the times that jealousy blinded me to the truth. That it tried to protect me from the pain. When I wasn't jealous, I got blindsided by the truth. I remember asking "Why, what did I do to deserve this?" Over and over in my apartment. Knowing I had done nothing wrong. That I was innocent and it was he who strayed, not me.
Envy also seems to eat me up from time to time. I find myself wanting to be like the other girls. Skinnier, cuter, straighter teeth, nicer butt, flat tummy, thin thighs, strong, long perfect hair, clear skin and definitely bigger boobs. How horrible am I huh? I'm imperfect compared to other girls who guys drool over. I'm cute, not hot. I'm pretty, not beautiful. It makes me insane.
But I also don't want to have an eating disorder to get there. I have plenty of crazy people wanting to date me or be with me for a night. I don't sleep around, which is weird in our society apparently. I mean, how can I just have had three sexual partners in 7 years? It's unheard of! I should have at least 10 or 20 by now. But then I'd also be a slut wouldn't I? I feel like one just saying that I've been with 3 guys. I might end up on drugs if I hit five.
Sinking inside my own mind, it's like a prison. I go through every moment of every relationship I've had that's been physical and I curse it. I hate it. I want to go back and wish they hadn't touched me or been near me.
I find that since my heart hasn't healed, I can't sit still and not bad mouth my ex's. It's like a problem to me. Like it just makes me feel better to say something about them. I find it helps me heal somewhat, but this is the first time I've ever worried about one too. I don't know why. Maybe because I know he'll go off the deep end sometime and blame me? Or maybe because I have so many memories of him? I don't know. It's probably because even though he hurt me, I still care about him. I'm so stupid. I should forgive him and forget him. Not remember.
I'm hoping with time, it'll fade.
But how do you get over your problems? Do you meditate to find them and then confront them? Or do you wait for them to disappear? I never was good with emotional problems. If I could, I'd banish emotions from the face of existence. I hate them. All this longing and love, ugh. And then pain, betrayal, jealousy, envy. It's all so stupid, especially when it takes forever to figure it all out.
Someday I'll heal and be a better person for it. I won't fall into the hole again. I won't walk down that path again. I made mistakes. This time I won't.

Indigos are highly sensitive, spiritually evolved persons in touch with land, sea, air, and cosmic forces. By no means am I an expert on this subject; however, being an Indigo Adult and having read a lot on this subject, I can list these common traits with confidence:

Emotion
-clairvoyant, highly intuitive
-seem antisocial unless with others like them
-often labelled as 'shy' or 'difficulty making friends'
-often feel they have no 'filters' from the world around them
-run the gamut of the emotional spectrum; from happy to distraught

Instinct
-know from a very young age that they are different, have always felt misunderstood through life
-have an inherent sense of connection to all things in the universe
-have a strong need to help others
-have a deep longing to connect with others like themselves
-will go through a period of awakening; seeking deeper meaning in life; often stems from confusion to their purpose in life
-sensitive in all areas: food, additive, emotion, chemicals, pesticides

Thought
-consistently bored at school; rebelled against homework/teachers
-may have trouble staying 'on task'
-highly intelligent in their own unique way
-are capable of retaining large amounts of information/facts; mentally and energetically very speedy
-highly creative, enjoy making things with their hands
-questions everything; always need to know WHY
-often stops speaking mid-sentence as the 'brain is ahead of the mouth'

Social
-non-conformists; burning desire to 'change the world'
-rebel against systems/authority figures felt to be dysfunctional, ineffective, oppressive: political, academic, medical, social, emotional
-become frustrated with situations that are ritualized and don't require creative thought
-completely intolerant of stupidity: actions, words, deeds, persons, situations
-strong sense of ethics and justice
-completely unbiased toward sexuality and gender; may explore alternative sexuality

Indigos exhibit their distinct qualities at a young age. As children, are often misdiagnosed with ADD/ADHD. Consequently, those who are medicated for these 'conditions' often lose their cosmic/psychic gifts and may never regain them, despite later enlightenment.

Indigos commonly experience anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and agoraphobia. Routinely, Indigos can feel overwhelemed by the world around them and often need time to retreat and recharge.

It is thought in history that Indigos suffered persecution for their gifts, as non-enlighted persons sensed their difference but could not explain it.

Apparently it's not obvious what I want. I keep having men looking for subs/slaves and subs looking for a Domme. Uhm.. I'm a submissive bisexual girl. I do not want a relationship with a slave/sub or to domme anyone. I am NOT dominant. I never will be dominant. I also am not looking for a fling/fwb or playpartners. I want a serious relationship that will be taken slow. :3 This isn't a hookup onenightstand site, is it?

Maybe it is.. but Damn if I don't want my experience here to be like that!!

LEARN TO READ! ><!!

I held my own in the waters for so long that I didn't realize the extra weight was gone until I looked to see he had let go of me.

But of course he blames me. Everything is my fault. Everything was always my fault. No matter what I said or did, it was -always- my fault. I was rude, nasty, obnoxious. Yes, I am. Especially when backed into a corner, nervous, and unsure of myself. I turn to sarcasm. And when really annoyed at being told to do something with someone I don't respect, I totally turn on the attitude. Maybe I'm not meant to be a sub. Maybe I'm not meant to be ruled by man. But damn it if I don't have an issue. Lol.

These last few days, listening to the accusations being blasted at me, I'm finally realizing that I hate it. I'm digging my feet in and standing my ground. Ignoring the blasts, facing the storm headon. But being told I've done things out of spite is ridiculous. I've never done a single thing out of spite. My ex got married, I smiled and wished him well. I didn't run off to spite him. I didn't sleep around. I realized I was alone and would be that way so I had to make the best of it.

I took money for the rent where I no longer live because I needed a bed. Sleeping on the floor after leaving my ex the full-sized bed and boxspring kinda hurt. So I bought myself a bed, new clothes, pillows, the usual. Now I sit here staring into space while the pain echoes into my numb heart.

I can't even commit to someone fully without questioning myself. I don't want to. I want the world to stop shaking and shattering around me and let the dust settle before I try to look through the wreckage.

I remember when I swore to myself I was happy. I didn't want to go. I cried the whole trip. I hated leaving my family. My life, my everything. I gave it up for some child who didn't care. He wanted my pussy and nothing more. The fact I was new and exciting was amazing.. it kept him entertained for a year. Until we officially got our own place. That was when trouble started. He was bored with me. He wanted another girl, fresh meat, new things. Life spiralled. I kept telling myself as I cried myself to sleep that I wasn't faking the sex, that I wasn't faking the emotions, that I was happy. I kept telling myself. But my Tarot cards don't lie to me. They told me it would be ending soon. We were over before we started and I let my body be used for that purpose. It ate me alive. I wasn't jealous anymore because I didn't care. I wasn't mad anymore because those feelings were drowned by sorrowng and self pity. I hated myself. I still do.

My body is my temple. My body is mine and mine alone. The sex sucked. The world sucked. Now I'm fighting through my own battles alone again. Of course I'll survive, I always do. But this time I must learn to love myself. Learn that I am the most beautiful girl in the world, regardless of what others say. I am not a boy. I am not even boy-looking. I am perfect just the way I am. Attitude and all.

I may be hurting right now and a bit waspish, even down right bitchy. But can you blame me? Can anyone blame me after having been fed lies to keep my self esteem down for over a year and finally then being crushed at the last second. I will love myself. But I will not do it with anyone else trying to insert penis into me. :P I hate it. And I only want to love myself. Not have someone else love me for me.

Nina <3 The rantings of a mad woman.

Of course the relationship was going sour. I knew it. I kept lying to myself. I kept faking it. I kept up the ruse because I had an apartment, I had a life.. I had a great job.

What do I have now?

My own bed in my Mom's house. Sigh. It's better than living on the street, but still. It hurts to have to move back home after so long. I moved to CT and now I'm back in NY. Sucks.

But I will get on my feet again, get a new job, go back to school, maybe find love, or something fun. Right now I'm completely numb. My entire body hurts.

Why was I so stupid then? Looking back.. I see it clearly. The time wasted, the love lost. The way he didn't look at me the same.. that he lied to me.

So for now.. I'm settling in.. not looking for anything really except friends and maybe something more later on.. Though I'm more geared towards girls at the moment.. But I'm submissive, sorry!'

-Nina

So yesterday I came home to find myself in a bit of a situation. I have concluded that I do not like my Master playing Internet Sir to some little bitch. So I have to cut myself off from playing around online if he is to do the same.

So that means no numbers.. No playing at all. I am loyal to my Master. So now I will depart and be a good girl.

@.@ 

Nina

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I fell off the cliffside into the ocean. My love had died overseas fighting in a meaningless war while I waited patiently at home until the letter arrived. He had died in battle, his body one that would not be returning to me alive or dead. I cried and threw myself from the cliff at sunset, knowing it the only way to purify myself and be with him forever more.

It is one of the many memories I have, the sorrow and grief still grips my soul as it shakes me. Each heartbreak ringing so solidly in my chest I feel as if I may die. Strong though I am, this pain is paralyzing, mind numbing near able to break the iron self control I have.

In the present I hold high values and bonds, things that will not be broken. I have fallen hard onto my face, unable to keep my own tongue from digging me holes deep within the earth, ready to bury me alive or dead.

I warn all that come near me that I am a Siren. I sing and weave little spells without even trying, yet I enthrall men to the point of disgust. I want none of it. I want to live my life with my boyfriend and have no trouble.

Yes.. I said. Boyfriend.

Of course you're all wondering what happened. Doesn't matter does it? No we're not poly. No we're not looking. No we don't want anything. All I want is friends who won't try to kill me or hurt me. I just want to let my hair down and relax and be able to do it without worry. I'm very picky about my friends, I want those who will understand me and will not stab me in the back. I tend to speak without regard for what I say or how I phrase it.

So of course when I speak things come out as rude or insulting and I don't even realize it. Sure its cute or funny the first time I do it, but wait til it gets annoying. I don't want to have to deal with jealous gfs or psycho bfs. I just want to have fun, kick back, speak my mind however I see fit and if someone has an issue, let them bring it up with me.

Now aren't I a royal bitch? Gotta love it. Being an empath I choose stable friends, those who can handle themselves and handle me. I don't care if you're rich, famous, whatever. I'm too full of pride to accept anything or go anywhere and leave my precious boyfriend behind. He's seen the best and worst of me, so no thank you.

So now that I've got that out of the way, with all my rambling and sidetracking, I will happily state that for the record, I am taken as of this date. I will not pursue any male or female for sexual/emotional/physical/mental/whatever reasons that are more than friends. I do not want fuckbuddies or Friends with Benefits. I only want vanilla-esk friends. So put the rope down because unless you're teaching me a new technique or how to tie something, I'll throw the rope in a bucket of gasoline and light it up. I do not cross boundaries. I do not sleep around. I don't even lie on my taxes. I'm the most honest and loyal girl around. I don't tease or flirt with men who are taken at all. I don't even like to go near them. Sure if I know the gf that's different, but if I've never met her and we've flirted, I'd rather shoot myself in the foot than continue that path.

I've been the victim of girls who've lost it. I'm one of them. I want to respect your man so that when I say hi to you, I can say it with pure honesty and a clear conscience. I don't steal men or play them. Yeah sure if they're single we flirt, but trust me when I say it'll stay on the internet and I refuse to go any further than hugging. From this point on, I'm done.

Yes I have attention issues. Yes I need attention like I need to breathe, but I'm learning that the wrong attention gets me, my friends, and my boyfriend into hot water. I think I'll just stick to my female friends and hide behind my boyfriend when guys come around. Seems to be safer.

On the other end of the spectrum, I've had people pissed at me for awhile now and I'm done trying to fix it or say something to right it. Things are as they should be. Dead and done. I'm tired of playing catch up and make it right and say it the right way even though truthfully I've explained it ten times and I'm tired of having to change my ways just to make it seem like I'm changing directions.

Ugh.

~Nina

So an update on the amazing and interesting life I lead.

I'm really happy, the second job is going easy and I finally got a car. Though I'm pretty tired, I cleaned my entire house top to bottom. I'm pretty proud of that. Been having a few friends over, borrowed someone's game system and have been playing videogames in most of my spare time off.

Been contemplating interning for a tattoo place, one of my friends suggested it again to me since I've been designing a lot of tattoos lately. I figure I'll work on my portfolio a little more, work on shading and technique and maybe then once I get it together, I'll try a few places nearby. I'm kinda nervous and excited about the idea of being a tattoo artist, even just working around those who are. Getting pointers and stuff. I'd love to have the experience, I mean, I love learning new things.

So lately life's been getting more difficult to juggle, but I manage. With nights being taken by my work, more martial arts training during the week, and also my days being occupied by sleep and keeping my house neat and clean, I've realized that being an adult is hard. But I try to let the martial arts calm me and let it work out the stress. Bills are getting paid on time, everything seems to be going according to plan. I hope that I can find some kinky friends to hang out with, sometimes hanging out with just guys gets really boring. I want to go shopping, actually do some girly things. Boys aren't really that talkative.. blah!

So while I really love all the views.. I would love even more messages. Not stupid ones mind you, like a sentence of "wanna fuck" or "i want a girl to play with" or something like that. But something like a "hi, how are you? I liked XYZ about you." kind of thing. I get really sad just watching the people viewing but never messaging.. I don't bite unless there's an obvious reason.

For example. Someone sent me a message with their height, weight, age, and name. Then they proceeded to say they were looking for a girl. I know all over my profile it has "taken" and "couple" and etc. Though my Master is not pictured in my profile, he still exists. So I took it that the poor guy hadn't read any of my profile and didn't care either. Disrespectful truthfully. So I let him have it. :3 Now I feel bad, but when someone assumes "oh she's not taken, its just her." and etc, I honestly feel the need to tell them off. Most people I won't even bother or waste the energy. But this one.. just struck me just right.

Now normally I'm very sweet, kind, and I love to talk, chitchat, etc. So don't be put off by the fact that I have a Master. I do want to talk to people, I'm a social bug. :3

-Nina

Well my second job starts tomorrow. I'm nervous beyond belief, but I have the training and the skills to ace this. I am calm deep down inside where the nerves know that practiced edge will come back to the surface.

The party was a success. Though only a few friends and family showed up, least it was something. Drank a little, had lots of laughs, I'm glad to know such people. I just wish I had my phone back, ugh. With a 500$ bill glaring at me and the threat of cancellation so near, I'm about to just say screw it. The rent and electricity come first, then the other stuff.

So I'm currently on a scrabble binge, playing via facebook while I glare daggers at my internet to stay connected. The chat function is just being a little whiney bitch lately and pissing me off to no end.

I hope that my friends keep in touch via here so that I can have some summer fun. Hopefully this job gives me enough money to save up for some trips. ^-^

-Nina

So I've been thinking lately... I have no social life to speak of outside of the internet...

What do I do?

I've no money to frequent bars or social skills to keep the friendships outside of the computer... So how do I make real life friends..? Is it lack of effort that makes me lose friends and lose touch?

Such a headache.. I think I'm going to go laydown and contemplate ths dilemma...

-Nina

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I fell off the cliffside into the ocean. My love had died overseas fighting in a meaningless war while I waited patiently at home until the letter arrived. He had died in battle, his body one that would not be returning to me alive or dead. I cried and threw myself from the cliff at sunset, knowing it the only way to purify myself and be with him forever more.

It is one of the many memories I have, the sorrow and grief still grips my soul as it shakes me. Each heartbreak ringing so solidly in my chest I feel as if I may die. Strong though I am, this pain is paralyzing, mind numbing near able to break the iron self control I have.

In the present I hold high values and bonds, things that will not be broken. I have fallen hard onto my face, unable to keep my own tongue from digging me holes deep within the earth, ready to bury me alive or dead.

I warn all that come near me that I am a Siren. I sing and weave little spells without even trying, yet I enthrall men to the point of disgust. I want none of it. I want to live my life with my boyfriend and have no trouble.

Yes.. I said. Boyfriend.

Of course you're all wondering what happened. Doesn't matter does it? No we're not poly. No we're not looking. No we don't want anything. All I want is friends who won't try to kill me or hurt me. I just want to let my hair down and relax and be able to do it without worry.  I'm very picky about my friends, I want those who will understand me and will not stab me in the back. I tend to speak without regard for what I say or how I phrase it.

So of course when I speak things come out as rude or insulting and I don't even realize it. Sure its cute or funny the first time I do it, but wait til it gets annoying. I don't want to have to deal with jealous gfs or psycho bfs. I just want to have fun, kick back, speak my mind however I see fit and if someone has an issue, let them bring it up with me.

Now aren't I a royal bitch? Gotta love it. Being an empath I choose stable friends, those who can handle themselves and handle me. I don't care if you're rich, famous, whatever. I'm too full of pride to accept anything or go anywhere and leave my precious boyfriend behind. He's seen the best and worst of me, so no thank you.

So now that I've got that out of the way, with all my rambling and sidetracking, I will happily state that for the record, I am taken as of this date. I will not pursue any male or female for sexual/emotional/physical/mental/whatever reasons that are more than friends. I do not want fuckbuddies or Friends with Benefits. I only want vanilla-esk friends. So put the rope down because unless you're teaching me a new technique or how to tie something, I'll throw the rope in a bucket of gasoline and light it up. I do not cross boundaries. I do not sleep around. I don't even lie on my taxes. I'm the most honest and loyal girl around. I don't tease or flirt with men who are taken at all. I don't even like to go near them. Sure if I know the gf that's different, but if I've never met her and we've flirted, I'd rather shoot myself in the foot than continue that path.

I've been the victim of girls who've lost it. I'm one of them. I want to respect your man so that when I say hi to you, I can say it with pure honesty and a clear conscience. I don't steal men or play them. Yeah sure if they're single we flirt, but trust me when I say it'll stay on the internet and I refuse to go any further than hugging. From this point on, I'm done.

Yes I have attention issues. Yes I need attention like I need to breathe, but I'm learning that the wrong attention gets me, my friends, and my boyfriend into hot water. I think I'll just stick to my female friends and hide behind my boyfriend when guys come around. Seems to be safer.

On the other end of the spectrum, I've had people pissed at me for awhile now and I'm done trying to fix it or say something to right it. Things are as they should be. Dead and done. I'm tired of playing catch up and make it right and say it the right way even though truthfully I've explained it ten times and I'm tired of having to change my ways just to make it seem like I'm changing directions.

Ugh.

~Nina

Well, today is Easter. So I'm wishing everyone a happy and kinky Easter holiday and a safe time.

Today is family day, yippie. Though I'm haunting the kinky world for a little while, I still have work to do. Editing my book, hunting down publishers.. Hm. Someday. lol.

:3 So to all a good time and a kinkier night, <3

-Nina

NEWS!

So after weeks of debating, arguing and finally coming to terms, I've decided to officially throw a party at my apartment. :3 Only a select few will be able to attend, those friends that I know will be a good addition to all the fun.

It is on May 19th, 2012, at 8pm. Bring food, drinks, rope, friends, etc.

The only rule is that nobody is allowed to have sex. You can do oral, fingering, be totally naked indoors, but do not engage in anal or vaginal sex, take it elsewhere please and NO Liquor. Yeah this is a buzz kill, but I'd rather you be safe than sorry.

If you don't bring anything, there's a 5$ covercharge at the door. The location is Hartford County, CT. Directions will be sent out the second week of May in private messages. :3

Also, if a lot of people are going, I might be moving it to a bigger location.

Xxx

Nina

With a glitchy internet and some minor phone problems, getting online is becoming such a hassle. With my knee strained [apparently I pulled a tendon or something] and slowly healing, I don't see myself doing much more than relaxing and working. Two rooms painted, three to go, I'm exhausted.

I just wish I knew how to make my laptop pick up my phone's internet connection and use that. Maybe then I could stay online long enough to post a FB status. Jeeze!

As for plans, I've nothing in the near future besides a small house warming party/kink party at the end of the month. Only problem I'm running into is I can't afford it. Better job would be amazing right now. <3 So with that said, time to quit crying about it here and go hunt for one. <3

<3 Nina

So I've come to want to make a dungeon in my spare room. :3 I think it would be a wonderful idea and a great housewarming to have some of my kinky friends over for a weekend. March 30 - April 1st of course.

Now I've no idea how to go about doing it though. I only know so many kinky people, so I'm not positive what exactly I want to do or how to invite a lot of people. It wouldn't bother me at all to have people crash and stay over the night or the whole weekend. :3 But again I wonder how many people are serious about going. I hate when parties are duds.. Ew.

On another note, being badly sunburned sucks. And I just had a DeJaVu moment.. Anyway..

I can barely lay down at the moment because it sucks. I think I'll just stick to Zumba and skip the tanning all together. Least I'll be tanned out for the summer already after this heals.

So now on to the fun part. Anyone who wants to meet up, know more about me, etc etc, can just send me a PM. I'm not mean or picky, I'll turn you down politely if I don't agree. But I cannot promise any meetings until after this weekend. Too much going on with the guys moving furniture and all. I'd love to have people over but with all the boxes etc and me all sunburned, I've just got no patience. :3

Xxx

Nina <3

a

I've come to realize now that I have such strong beliefs that I refuse to back down. I can embrace something new as part of me but only to an extent before the beliefs in my heart and soul call it out as fake.

I hold my necklaces dear to me as they were a gift to me from my Soul Mother and Soul Father as well as my Wolf Parents. I believe in a world alter to our own that sounds like something out of the mind of some lunatic. Yet I sit here playing with my necklace and my pendants knowing that I'm always watched out for no matter where I am.

But my beliefs are more complex than where I come from or who I am. They define every move I make and what partners I choose for myself. I can easily fall into someone's arms, but my beliefs hold me steady and keep me from breaking as I walk on, fighting against the odds a proud warrior in my own right. I hold too many things on my shoulders, what do you plan to do about that?

So I'm going to take on a little bit of a crazy spin and read up on Gorean beliefs. It's been bugging me for awhile about what it actually is and if I'd even fit into it. Then I start to feel that rebellious side of me well up and snap out. I wonder if there's a belief system based on the actions of wolves?

I wear a wolf pendant and a pendant standing for my Goddess Mother, but that's just the tip of the iceberg on my own beliefs. Of course trying to get me to change that is like winning lotto, good luck.

Now onto the Wolf system. I would say that wolves mate for life and when their partner dies they lose all will to live. The Alphas lead the pack and protect but the Alpha Male is dominant to the female. They work as a team but I believe the female will submit to the male at times. It wouldn't work if there was disagreement and no definite overall leader.

So now I've read a little bit about the Gorean culture and beliefs and it sounds interesting. But I'm a girl who doesn't just roll over and say "take me." I'm proud to the end. Why should I submit to a weak Master? I want someone to walk beside me and take the lead and know that someday my every move will be dependent on their decisions.

I was born into a dangerous world filled with malice and hatred. I grew up too fast and too soon. I learned to fight to get what I want and I've struggled too many times. I've had handouts before, lush things thrown at my feet yet I do not take them. I walk on barefoot, bruised, broken heart and all. I am stronger than I give even myself credit for.

Why would I take a man who has no battle scars and cannot defend me? I can defend myself just fine and I have my pride and scars, but I want one stronger than me to lead me, not someone I must protect. Wasn't it then the ways of the warrior that stated the men went to war and the women and children stayed behind? If a woman was on the battlefield she also sought out a man [usually] who was stronger than her. We all look for the strongest males, the ones who will give us strong offspring and make our lives easier. I'm just a little harder to handle because I've been the lone alpha so long.

So much to think over.. hm. Gorean lifestyle. Maybe this could be something new to learn and grow with? :3

Xxx

Nina

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc

KONY 2012

Today is one of those days where I put gas in the car, mull about the house, contemplate going to the gym, and just be blah.

I've also seen a lot of guys looking at my profile and I am in a mindset to be polite in saying thank you for not messaging me. I like to make friends but those closer to my age are better. It's a little strange to go out to lunch with someone old enough to be my Dad. Plus my Master wouldn't appreciate it. I do laundry, tidy up the apartment, play some minecraft and debate as usual if I want to go to the gym. Today I think I will, I'm gonna use that membership somehow.. ><!

But for now, I'm going to relax and look at my job issue, or lack there of job issue. It's so weird, I always get bored with my job if it's repetitive. If I don't make enough money I get frustrated. If I don't do something new once in awhile I get bored. I hate corporate jobs because I'm a jeans and T kind of girl. Speaking of.. I need to buy new jeans... Hm. Stupid holes. Always get the holes in them after a few years and it just.. pisses me off. Gr!

So now I'm off to the gym.. but would love a gym partner. :3 Later!

So I've been packing my little butt off, paid the deposit for the apartment and am now officially moving. :3 By the 15th of next month I'll be in a better place. ^-^

Still looking for a job though, one that's better than what I have, any suggestions would be welcomed. :3 <3

Currently gave up on the website idea but I might try to publish my book, not entirely sure yet.

I have tons of free time at the moment, which is kind of weird, but then again I'm also strapped for cash. Typical. Not that I'm doing much complaining except on the fact I need a better job. What's my dream job is to work in a bakery and be the baker, not the bag girl or the counter girl.. blah. :3 And for those who know my reason for moving.. They're here. Feb 23rd, both healthy. ^-^

Anyway, time to stop blabbing and start forum-hopping. <3 Shoot me a message if you like guys!

Exhausted. Pure and simple. This week has been tiring beyond belief. Lots to do, lots to run around and finish. What else is new. Finally getting around to my FB and trying to update stuff. My brain is just.. fried. I still have tons of packing to do in order to move out.

On the order of moving out, that is personal. Some of you know why, some don't. I have to have my own place big enough for everything in my life right now. Of course it being closer to my job is a plus. <3

Now that my pics are not of me, I am getting a slowed down revenue of people, I'm glad. Seems to be that everyone wanted a piece of me with just the bit of "I'll do XYZ for you but only if you have sex with me first" ... I'd rather just not even bother. Never been a sexual person. I can't disassociate the sex from the emotional part. It's not just feeding an urge to me, it's making a connection of love, trust, etc etc.

It's strange to me to bed a different person every night. To try to drown my sorrows or fill my needs with a different man every night. To go to bed thinking that I'm going to be fucked by someone I barely know and am supposed to enjoy it. Even if it's a girl, I can't seem to shake that feeling that I want someone I love holding me and snuggling me after. Getting up and making me breakfast instead of getting up and buttoning his pants and telling me he'll hang out with me again sometime.. Like he's got a girlfriend or a wife to go back to. Makes me feel filthy and want to scrub my entire body from the inside out.

I have a partner, officially now. Just in case anyone was wondering. So I really don't want to sleep around or have any "play time" online or real time. Just not appealing to me anymore.

My Master also says: "Don't try to fix what isn't broken. She's not a toy for your entertainment, she's my sex kitten."

<3 So There you have it, an update from the lovely NinaAura and her Master Michael. <3

Happy Valentine's Day guys!

The following day...

Veronica awoke, sitting up fast, she held her head. Closing her eyes tightly, the spinning room still shown in her mind's eye. First she touched her breasts, a size B normally, they were swollen and tender. Though still leaking some milk, they were not as full as they had been. Her entire body ached, but as she reached down to touch her clit, she found herself wet.

Once able to open her eyes, she looked over herself, her nipples were slightly bruised, her clit still swollen and her pussy still wet. Each time she shifted, a small moan escaped her lips. It felt too good to brush her clit as she pushed back the covers.

She had ended up naked in her own bed, back in her apartment. Veronica forced herself out of bed, it was going to be a long day.

Thinking back on it, she spent the day rather calmly, recovering. Even as her breasts slowly stopped producing milk and her bruises faded, the week went by slowly. Gina stopped in to see how she was with Bobby in tow, though they only had her strip for them. As she stood under Gina's penetrating gaze, checking her clitoris, nipples, piercings, her butt and everything else, she nodded to herself. "Everything's healing, this is good." With a gentle pat on her rump, she left with Bobby, reminding Veronica to relax and rest up.

By the end of the week, Veronica was near squirming. Her body on fire, she played with the piercing in her clitoris hood, moaning softly. On the nightstand her phone lit up, a little chime going off to alert her to a message. Pouting, she reached over and tapped the code to her iphone. From an unknown number, she opened the text message.

"Go out tonight. Wear your favorite skirt with no panties, heels, and a top with no bra."

Was all it read. Veronica blinked at her phone, trying to remember the number but came up blank. With a shrug she figured it was Master Scott and got in the shower. Veronica walked out the door half an hour later wearing a mini white cotton skirt with black lace trim, 3" high heel white ankle booties, and a lowcut camisole with black and white designs. Over that she put her short leather jacket that only came to her hips and walked out with her purse in hand. Locking her door, she turned and went to her car.

The night was spent going to a night club, one of the rare things she did when bored. With the flashing lights and pulsing bass, men flirted with her constantly over the music. She danced, had drinks bought for her, even had a few find her not to be wearing anything under her skirt.

"So, you're that kind of girl?" One guy yelled in her ear, his hand still on her butt. She nodded and leaned against the bar, pressing her butt against his hand. Just from the excitement she was wet, knowing at any moment someone could see.

In her purse her phone went off again, thankfully at a moment when the music died just for a second. She looked at it, the guy squeezing her butt as the music got louder again.

"Time to bring him home."

Veronica grinned, turning and hugging the guy around the neck. It surprised him, but she knew he had a few too many drinks to care much. "Come back to my place." She kissed his cheek, his grip switching to be on her butt again. He pulled her against him, his gaze hungrily looking down her shirt. Veronica took him by the hand, the one on her butt, and led him towards the door.

Once outside she took a breath of the cool air, clearing her head. Most of the drinks from tonight had been passed on to other girls, ones who were too far gone to notice.

As they walked to her car, she carefully got in, unlocking the door as he nearly tumbled into the passenger seat. She bit back a giggle as he righted himself, letting her drive. His hands kept rubbing her thighs, making her squirm.

Ten minutes and she was home, unlocking her front door. With the guy in tow, she shut the door and turned on the lights, her phone going off again.

"Have some fun while you can."

Veronica led him to the bedroom to her freshly made bed, taking off her leather jacket as she kissed him. "Fiesty, that's how I like 'em." He mumbled into her mouth, returning her kiss as they fell into her bed. His hands found her butt as she straddled him, shirt already far gone along with his shoes. She smiled warmly down at him, her camisole on the floor as she leaned over, his mouth catching one of her nipples. Veronica moaned softly as he nipped her, clumsy work, but she didn't care. Her nails dug into his shoulders as his fingers slipped easily inside her, working in and out of her soaked slit.

He flipped her over, sliding off her skirt hungrily as he slid off the bed, barely able to stand and unzip his jeans. With those and his boxers now discarded on the floor, he crawled up between her legs. Hard cock ready to spear her as Veronica held her breath. She was begging for it nearly, panting as her body was on fire. She needed him buried deep inside her, buried to the hilt. Pounding her until she begged him to stop.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw something move, but in her state, she dismissed it. Putting her hands on his shoulders, she kissed him again, letting him wet the tip of his cock. As he lined up to thrust deep inside her, that movement came again, but this time she saw hands come around his face. For a moment they were frozen there, staring at eachother as his eyes rolled back. She felt a hand over her mouth, something clothy and a bitter smell as she tried to move, but too late. Veronica passed out, the man she brought home laying ontop of her.

Veronica awoke to blackness, like before except this time she felt something between her legs. First she took in the fact she was blindfolded and still in her boots, then realized she was tightly strapped to a wall, not even touching the ground. Her neck, tummy, biceps, wrists, ankles and thighs were all strapped, supporting her weight. Shivering, she tried to turn her head, but to no avail. Something was holding her head up and forward. Between her legs she felt something stir, breath coming softly on her clit. Still wet, she knew she hadn't been out that long.

"You're awake, both of you. I'm glad." The voice was unfamiliar but definitely feminine and nearby. Between her legs she heard a muffled screaming and felt movement, something shifting inside of her. She moaned, unable to contain it as something brushed her clitoris. "He's definitely awake. Poor thing, probably never had anything inside of him before." The blindfold was taken off of Veronica. Blinking against the sudden brightness, she stared, her mouth gagged so she couldn't protest. Beneath her was the man she had brought home, now strapped to her pussy by some strange contraption. His hands were bound to her thighs, his ankles strapped to a spreader bar on the floor. She couldn't tell, but she thought he was in a chastity device, his ass being pounded by a woman with a strapon. The same woman who now spoke calmly to her, even as she thrusted.

"You are so beautiful my dear, so undeserving of this man beneath me." She thrusted her hips hard, causing him to struggle, digging his nails into her thighs and trying to move his head. With each movement, Veronica felt something inside her move, making her moan again. She smacked his ass causing another muffled scream as she took off the strapon, leaving it buried in his ass.

He was blindfolded, unable to even see what was going on, even as she tried to squirm away, he was forced to stay attached to her pussy. "But at least he'll understand now what it means to be used." She smiled and snapped her fingers, a slave boy, no older than 20 brought out a whip and handled it to her. "I am Mistress Katrina, and this is my dungeon." With that, she snapped the whip across the man's back causing him to scream and writhe again. Mistress Katrina only had on what looked like bright red straps across her body, a leather harness and a black corset with red flowers on it. She wore bright red heels and matching red gloves that went up to her elbows, her orange hair was loose around her pretty face, but she still had a scary look in her green eyes.

For a few minutes she whipped him, causing him to move so much Veronica was on the verge of an orgasm, but she stopped just shy of it. Mistress Katrina had stopped whipping him, leaving bright red marks across his back and butt. She took off the head restraint, taking the little gag out of his mouth. It was attached to a dildo that had been moving in and out of Veronica as he struggled, whimpering now as his head was free and mouth clear. The slave boy took the dildo and harness away, but he was still attached to her by his wrists.

"Please, stop, I'll do anything you ask. You can have my car, my money, just let me go!" He was whimpering into her pussy, but another strike of the whip made him quiet as he yelped.

"Shut up worm! Did I give you permission to talk?" He shook his head, trembling as he was still blindfolded. "Look at yourself, you're hard as a rock and yet begging to go?" She touched his cock beneath him with her heel, making him cringe. "Now earn your worth, start licking." Veronica bit back a moan as he obeyed, sucking eagerly on her clitoris. Her juices were coating his face and running down her thighs, even as she moaned. He redoubled his efforts and licked her slit, making her shudder. "Good boy, pleasure her." Veronica watched as Mistress Katrina walked behind him and attached the strapon to her harness, starting to thrust again.

"No! Stop! It hurts! Please!" He begged, stopping just shy of Veronica's orgasm again. She clenched her fists in frustration as he tried to move away, digging his fingers into her thighs again. Mistress Katrina whipped his back, making him yelp and jump.

"Did I say stop worm?" Again she whipped him until he started licking Veronica's pussy again, making her cry out in pleasure. "Good boy." She said, thrusting hard enough to make him push against Veronica.

As he sucked her clit and licked her slit, Veronica felt herself getting close, her moans getting closer to screams. "I'm going to cum mistress." She half moaned, her body shuddering as the edge came near. Another crack of the whip and he stopped, whimpering as Mistress Katrina pulled his head back.

"No cumming for you Veronica. This is not about your pleasure you know." She released his wrists from her thighs, binding them together. "We're here to teach him how to be a good pet and serve his mistress." Again she unhooked the strapon from her harness, also unhooking the bar from the floor. A chair was brought out by the slave boy, Mistress Katrina sat leisurely and turned the man around, his butt to Veronica. "Now pleasure your Mistress boy, and don't you dare let up." Spreading her legs, she pushed his head into her pussy even as Veronica whimpered.

His tongue traced her clitoris that was unpierced, his wrists bound beneath him as the slave boy hooked them to the chastity device Veronica now saw. It held his cock at an odd angle, painful yet effective for keeping him from cumming. Precum dripped to the floor, even as he struggled to lick Mistress Katrina's slit. His back was marked with an array of red marks, some rising from the whip. His butt still filled deep with the strapon that was about an inch and a half wide. For a first timer, Veronica winced in sympathy, but his body still betrayed his lust.

~* To be edited later *~

"Veronica..." A familiar voice said somewhere in the darkness. She opened her eyes slightly, but with the blindfold on, she shut them again. It was useless to try and shake it off, try as she might. "You're so wet, it's amazing. Four days down here, aren't you such a good girl." He ran his hand over her hair affectionately, patting her cheek. "Your breasts look as if they'll burst anyday now." He poked one, making her scream into the ball gag lodged securely in her mouth, it hurt, but it felt so good at the same time.

The cylinders had been replaced with wider cups, ones that covered most of her breasts now close to being double D's. From petite B's they had sucked on them for days, causing her both pain and pleasure. The woman she had seen the first day she'd been here had been fed from any liquid Veronica had let go, whether she had cum or went to the bathroom. But the woman took it without complaint, even looking on in ecstacy as she drank it down. She had then been allowed to lick Veronica clean, causing another orgasm as her tender body was prodded again.

With fresh cups and another session of sucking, Veronica had gone in and out of consciousness, only allowed to drink and eat at times when the suction had stopped. She was standing, more supported by the restaints on the padded wall behind her, as the suction started again. Her entire body shivered with complaint, her breasts leaking some milk but not enough to relieve the pressure. She couldn't help but moan weakly into the gag, slumping in her restraints.

"Ah, Veronica!" She cringed as she heard the voice, her body betraying her as her clit pulsed. The man made her want to run and at the same time serve him. It was a thrill, even slumped there and helpless as he took one of the cups off her breast. His tongue found her nipple piercing as he sucked it into his mouth, milk leaking out. "Mmm, the sweet taste of milk, finally mine." He patted her hip affectionately as he went back to sucking her breast like a babe, more milk flowing into his mouth.

"Look at the size of her breasts now!" Gina said from somewhere nearby as Veronica moaned softly, the gag keeping her from forming any words. "You've turned her into a real cow Master Kevin." Gina's voice was filled with such pride as she came closer, her heels clicking on the floor.

"All for the sake of this precious milk, so sweet, so delicious. Can I take her?" He replaced the cup on her breast, making her cringe. The weight of her breasts and the milk hurt, even as her pussy dripped into the cup attached to her slit. Down the tube she knew her juices would go where the woman sat below drinking it all as the machine sucked harder on them.

"If you must." Gina said dismissively as Veronica was lowered from her restraints, nearly falling on her face. But Master Kevin caught her, gently placing her on her hands and knees.

"Be good and show your gratitude." Though Veronica was tired, she managed to stay on her hands and knees, her ass in the air. Plugged again after being cleaned out, her ass quivered from the vibrator inside. The cup on her slit was taken off as she moaned into the gag, the pressure released as juices ran down her thighs.

Some ruffling and shuffling went on behind her as the gag was taken off, the back of her head pushed down. "You should know what to do here, don't you?" Veronica went to work without hesistation, her face stuffed in what she assumed was the woman's pussy. Soaking wet with a large vibrator, Master Kevin encouraged her. As the woman was chained to the floor by her wrists behind her, knees under her, she sat on both a vibrator in her ass and slit, though Veronica could only tell with her tongue at this point. She found the woman's clitoris, nipping at it as the woman moaned loudly into the cup on her face.

"Now to take my prize." The machine whirred to life and began sucking roughly on Veronica's breasts, harder than before as if actually milking her now. Her clitoris got the abuse as well, being sucked into a cylinder tube once more that had a vibrating bullet inside. Veronica's mind seemed to overload as he plunged inside of her.

For the first time in days she had been filled again, an orgasm overtaking her just from that alone. The woman's cries above her were getting lower, as if she were trying to swallow more and more. Somewhere else in the room Gina's voice could be heard as her own pussy was filled by the familiar voice she knew. "Bobby, harder!" Gina cried as both Master Kevin and Bobby sped up. Veronica was lost in the whirlwind of feelings, her breasts pumped, her clit nearly on fire and her pussy and ass filled. Her mind overloaded, her mouth sucking harder on the woman's clit.

Time and again Veronica came, her body shaking as she barely held herself steady, her arms already had given out on her. "Master!" Came the garbled voice of the woman above her as she came, covering Veronica's face with her juices as they squirted from her filled slit. Her whole body shook and pulled against the restraints, but even as she tried to collapse, they held her. The machine continued on as Master Kevin pulled out her butt plug, the vibrator whirring nearby on the floor. He then pushed deep into her butt, warth blossoming in her belly as he slowed his strokes.

Veronica came hard, both her butt and slit quivering as she screamed, juices squirting out of her. With toes curled and nails clenched, she shuddered on the floor, her body writhing with aftershock. As soon as Master Kevin pulled himself free, her legs gave out, but she wasn't done yet. He gently grabbed the back of her head, forcing her to sit up even as her legs felt like jelly. A puddle of juices spread out underneath her, but he still forced himself into her mouth. "Clean up this mess, then you can sleep." He promised as she sucked him, weakly as she tasted him and herself on her tongue.

Gina cried out as she came, her breath coming in gasps somewhere nearby, but not close enough for Veronica to reach out to. "You are such a good girl." Master Kevin stroked her cheek, letting her take his slowly softening cock under her tongue. Exhausted as she was, Veronica still took great care to lick every inch, even suck his balls for a moment before he stopped her.

Veronica felt her body being lowered down again while restraints were undone near her head. The cups came off as she drifted off, moaning softly as her clit was brushed.

~* To be Continued *~

Two days later...

It had been one of those nights, out with Gina and Scott, teasing the vanilla guys with her short skirt, high heels and low cut top. Some had lusted after her, trying to touch her butt, get a feel on her breasts, or even grind against her on the dance floor. Scott had let them, amused when some found the toys buzzing away in her butt and slit. Veronica had been allowed to party a little, flirt and prance around, drink some and do as she pleased so long as she kept the toys in. But as she walked out the door later that night, careful not to trip and a bit lightheaded, Veronica's world went black.

"Hello?" She called out into the darkness, pulling on the restraints. Her wrists had padded cuffs along with her ankles, spread out on a table of some kind. She shifted, finding to her surprise she wasn't naked. The toys inside her still buzzed away, meaning it hadn't been too long she'd been out. Her coat was missing, but she still had her heels, skirt, thong, bra and halter top on, but it was a bit cold. Veronica shivered, trying to shake the blindfold off her face. "Mistress Gina? Master Scott?" She called again, but nothing made a sound around her.

As the minutes passed, she tried not to squirm, the toys were becoming more of a focus as her senses tried to pick up anything else in the room. But all she could hear was her own breathing and feel the pulse of her untouched clitoris, begging to be licked.

The mind is a funny thing, for though Veronica knew there was nothing around her, she could've sworn someone began to touch her. Just teasing her as the vibrations did, filling her but leaving her hanging at the edge of an orgasm. She began to beg for release, though no one was around to hear her cries. "Please..." She was whimpering, her nipples rubbing against the fabric of her bra making her shudder. "Just a little more and I can cum." The moment those words left her mouth, Veronica heard ripping fabric and found herself tasting her own juices. Her thong was stuffed in her mouth harshly as she whimpered, cold air assaulting her clitoris.

"Cum huh? Just from that?" A familiar voice came from somewhere near her head, but in her muddled state she couldn't place it. "We'll see about that, Master Kevin, come meet sweet little Veronica here. Show her a good time won't you?" She heard footsteps approach as the familiar man moved away.

"Oh I will, I've had big plans since you told me about her, but she looks divine just laying there." He pulled off the blindfold, making Veronica wince at the light. She was in a basement, though with all the different contraptions, she knew it was a dungeon. The man she assumed was Master Kevin was in his early thirties she guessed, short blonde hair, grey-green eyes and broad shouldered. He looked like a fireman to her, or someone in construction. His arms were thick with muscle, though not as hard as a body builder's would be. Just a black tshirt and jeans, he looked relaxed, pulling a pocketknife from his pocket, he flipped it open. Veronica squirmed, trying to edge away as he tighted a strap over her belly, keeping her from fighting him.

He held her cheek for a moment before he began to cut the fabric of her haltertop and bra, tracing the blade over her collarbone. She shivered and shut her eyes, but he smacked her. "Watch or I'll do much worse than this pretty one." Glaring at him, Veronica watched the blade, trying to spit the thong out of her mouth. Again he smacked her, this time roughly lifting her head. With a piece of her own haltertop, he tied it around her head, over her mouth, securing the thong inside. She tried to call out, but he wouldn't stop no matter her struggles.

As the blade worked its way down over her pierced nipples, she shuddered watching them betray her by hardening. "Ah, so you do like this. I knew it from the moment I saw you that we would hit it off perfectly." He smiled across her body at someone, but she couldn't turn her head far enough to look.

Down he cut the fabric, exposing her belly and tearing the fabric from under the strap, leaving her exposed from the waist up. With the knife toying with her naval piercing, she whimpered, the only thing she could do now. Her own body was on fire it felt like, begging to be touched and caressed even as the fear set in.

He slid the knife through her cotton skirt, tearing the fabric out from under her leaving her completely exposed. Even though he continued along, the knife tracing along her labia, toying with her clit for a moment before sliding down her thigh. As he came back up her body, knife now in his pocket, he showed her four cylinder shaped cups, about as big as her pinky. "Now to attach these." He began to place two over her nipples, pumping something so that they stayed on, then moved to her pussy. Here he took great care to remove the toy before placing the widest one over her slit and a smaller one over her clit. Each one had tubes that ran off the table, out of sight somewhere below. "Now to turn this on and feed my pet here." He let her see a woman sitting  a few feet from the table, a device attached to her mouth. It looked like a mask with a tube coming out of it that ran under the table.

The woman was also in her early thirties with chestnut brown hair and blue eyes, though her expression was of fear. Her nipples were pierced and had weights on them, her wrists were chained to the floor behind her, her ankles before her. She was half sitting on her knees, half leaning on her chained hands with two massive toys in her butt and slit. The floor around her was already a puddle as the toys slid slowly inside of her. To Veronica, it would be like taking a fist in both her butt and slit, that thought alone made her cringe.

He flipped a switch on something that made Veronica scream, electricity jolting all the parts the cups were attached to. It then began to start a suction rhythm, as if milking her. Looking over at the woman horrified, she watched as her juices flowed up the tube into her mouth.

"Now we'll get these breasts to produce milk for my pet." He smiled at Veronica, patting her stomach affectionately. "Even if it takes days." Veronica stared in horror, struggling even as futile as it was.

~* To Be Continued *~

Ladies and gents.. I'm off the market. I'm finally done. I can't stand it anymore and I don't really give a fuck.

I'm tired of all the games. Tired of running around trying to please the world. I have to focus on me. Maybe someday when I find what I'm looking for, I'll be ready to come back here and try again. But for now.. I really don't care. Talk to me, I'm a cool person. But I really. REALLY don't want to, and will never want to play with you.

Right now I'm in a stage of my life where play partners, relationships, and anything of that sort is just not going to happen. I'm tired, working 2 jobs, busting my ass for little wage, and I don't care if you think you can take care of me. I just don't want the drama of trying to please someone right now.

That being said. Have a nice day and I hope you liked the pictures. Don't let the door slam your ass on the way out.

I'm a very open person, probably too open and too nice, but I do have some things I'm completely intolerant to. 420 is one of them. Being deathly allergic [Throat closes up, I get hives, I throw up, can't eat, drink, swallow, breathe in that order] I won't tolerate being near it.

I understand it's medical, makes you a better person, you're not addicted, you can stop anytime, I don't give a fuck, blah blah blah, but it's LIFE THREATENING to me. All the excuses you have for your shit don't add up to the fact that if I'm near it in any stage, I WILL DIE.

Again. I'll repeat.

I.

WILL.

DIE.

D-I-E

Tombstone, grave, uhh.. the grim reaper, dead as a doornail, can't make it to the hospital in time, die.

I have less than 10 minutes to make it to a hospital. So honestly. If you're 420. Stay the fuck away from me because I like to live. I have shit to live for and I'm not taking any chances.

Thank you.

Onto brighter topics.

I am not interested in play partners at this time. Just friends. I really want to go to a dungeon and just watch. Be the fly on the wall as I envy those in the chains and restraints, drinking in all the things happening around me. I'm just really not wanting to involve myself further. Having sex or anything to do with it without a connection like bf/gf would be like me hurting myself. I want to love my partner, not be used by them repeatedly. I would rather be alone than questioning if I'm pregnant or what I'll do if I get really hurt or if I have an STD from my most recent fuck partner. So if you're just looking for sex and nothing more, move on already! I love the people who I surround myself with, don't make me feel like garbage just because you want to get your rocks off. :P

Now.. on that note.

Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! <3

XoXo

NinaAura

For Veronica it all started in middle school. She knew she was different from the way the kids treated her, right down to the fact she dressed like a boy nearly everyday. Roughhousing, acting just like one of the guys. But it all changed when she met Bobby and Gina.
It was another of her parent's ideas to move, another new school, more time to make and break friends, the usual thing. But one morning she ran headfirst into Gina, and things were never the same again.

Nine Years Later

"Veronica, be a good girl and go get another round of drinks." Celebrating Gina's 24th birthday was something Veronica looked forward to every year. With a tight cotton skirt, too short to leave much to the imagination, she flitted away as Gina had asked. They were in their favorite bar, The Pip and Tug, one mostly crowded with normal people. Veronica passed a little too close to a group of frat boys, getting a pat on the butt and a surprised look. She blushed as she disappeared into another rush of people, the vibrating beads in her ass humming nicely.
'He knows.' She thought with a giggle, the rush making her even wetter as she fought her way to the bar. "Another Tom Collins and a dry martini." She shouted over the people around her, finding another few hands on her butt. Some gave her startled looks while others just grinned knowingly as Veronica was pushed against the bar, smothered by a wave of college kids flooding in.
"Here yah go Nica." Matt grinned at her, handing the drinks over as Veronica blushed, slowly backing away from the bar. He knew everytime Gina and Bobby were tormenting her, since the moment she had first come in with them years ago. Sometimes Matt would "help out" but not tonight, Gina had big plans for tonight.
With a wink, Veronica disappeared through the crowd of people, ending up back in Gina's corner where it was a bit quieter and darker as well. "What took you so long? It's not that crowded yet." Gina gave Veronica a smack on the ass as she sat down, passing the tom collins to Bobby across from her. Around the table mixed the vanillas with the kinks, talking animatedly over their various drinks.
"You tell her Gina, she's not going to learn any faster if you go easy on her." Scott, Veronica's own lover, patted her thigh, raising goosebumps on her arms. Gina gave a slight nod, pushing short amber hair out of her eyes as she eyed Veronica, those green eyes calculative and plotting. Gina was of slight athletic build, being a runner for a few years had given her a nice frame, tan skin, and the body most girls killed for. Bobby beside her was paler, a computer wiz at heart, he was a deep brunette, weightlifter with brown eyes and an eye for architechture. Their vanilla friend Bethany giggled as she talked with Jasmine, the only lesbian of the group. While Beth was blond and petite, Jasmine was strong, tan and brunette. Jasmine prided herself in being Gina's running partner, the only one of them able to keep up. Scott sat on the otherside of Jasmine, blue eyed, a brunette as well, but a complete computer geek. He spent most of his days programming while Veronica was at his side, usually bound and gagged.
Veronica herself was the shortest of the group, curvier and pale-skinned, she had just put blonde and blue in her brunette hair, turning heads where she went. She didn't mind the attention though, but tonight she was on fire. With Scott rubbing her leg and Gina plotting, Veronica bit back a moan, tuning back into the conversation.
"So I decided to try and run with Jasmine and Gina, it didn't work out too well. They left me in the dust." Bobby was saying, looking to Gina who grinned.
"Well you paid for it didn't you?" Jasmine laughed as Gina winked, Bobby turned a bit red and looked at Veronica.
"You're next." He watched as Veronica squirmed, Scott's hand had crawled up her thigh now.
"I know, but at least I can take it." She weakly mumbled, digging her nails into the table.

Nica looked up as someone approached their table, a little shy and fidgety, the jersey-clad frat boy couldn't tear his eyes off her cleavage. "Uhm." Scott squeezed her leg under the table as his fingers ran under her thong, making her sit up straighter.
"Yes? You need something kid?" Gina was always the outspoken one, but with the newcomer, even Beth quieted down for a moment. The frat boy glanced around at all the guys at the table, eyes following from Gina's cleavage all the way around to Nica's again.
"My friends wanted to meet you miss." He mumbled, smiling shyly at Nica. He was taller than Nica, broad shoulders that would have fit a football player better she thought. Nica looked to Gina, smiling sympathetically at the nervous guy. "Can I borrow her for a little while?" Realizing that Gina was incharge, he tried to change his tact, shifting from foot to foot.
"I suppose." Gina sighed, shooing Nica away as she took another sip of her drink. "Nica, be good over there." She was messing with something under the table, making Nica nearly stumble as she stood.
"I will." She said aloud, mouthing 'Yes Mistress' to Gina as she went arm in arm with the frat boy. They all watched her go, only four of them aware of the wetness that ran down her thigh. Bethany had begun talking again as Nica faded into the crowd, led back to the table from before.
"I brought her." He mumbled to the group as they walked up, standing around drinking from a pitcher Nica assumed was beer.
"Alright my brother! Have a drink and relax, this is going to be fun." One of the older guys clapped him on the back and pushed a beer into his hands before stepping between him and Nica. "Aren't you pretty miss, I'm Tony, this is John, Kevin, Mark and you've met Keith already." They all waved as he introduced them, putting his arm around her.
"I'm Veronica, nice to meet you all." She felt them all looking her up and down, sizing her up as if a piece of meat. But she couldn't blame them, with the cotton white skirt that barely covered her butt and the tight lowcut white shirt, she was something to stare at. Her jacket forgotten back at the table, the lacey short sleeves showed the benefits of her yoga class every week, as did the skirt. With high heeled black ankle boots barely bringing her chest high on most of them, she felt a little intimidated and excited. "So what can I do for you guys?" Though Veronica wanted to do many things to them, she glanced back in the direction of Gina's table, too crowded to see her companions.
"We needed a little female company, right boys?" Tony got them all to agree as his hand slipped lower onto Nica's butt, quickly darting away as he found the beads. Though his expression didn't change, he became bolder. Nica's spine tingled from the touch, trying not to squirm as his hand returned to her back.
With the pitcher almost emptied on the table, Tony stood behind her, almost pushing her against the table as he reached for another glass. "So then Mark goes, 'What pledges?'" The boys laughed as Keith, the one who brought her, shyly looked away, embarassed.
"I can't believe we scared off so many this time around." Mark was saying, putting his arm playfully around Keith. "You're the only one who survived, what a bunch of sissies." They kept putting glasses in front of Nica, though she politely declined. Tony pressed against her butt more as he downed another glass, forcing Nica to bite back a moan as another bead slipped in.
"Yeah, but after tonight, Keith you'll be one of us. Then we'll start anew. Maybe if Mark didn't scare off so many of the pledges the first night we'd have more fun." Tony didn't seem aware he was now pushing her against the chest high table. Even though she stood on the bar surrounding the bottom, she wasn't any taller than the guys around her.
His hand on her butt startled her as the beads started sliding further in, but he kept talking, even forcing her to answer. "So Veronica, what brings you to this bar anyway?" He slid one of the beads out as she started to talk, moving it in and out slowly.
"Well..." She bit her lip, taking a shuddering breath. "I'm here with my friends to celebrate a birthday." Nica looked back to where Gina's table was, barely able to see them in the dark corner as the crowd shifted.
"So they wouldn't mind if you came back to the dorms to hang out with us?" Tony playfully squeezed her butt, his hand sliding around to her thigh under the table.
"Actually, they would." Another girl had walked up while Nica was drifting, too worked up to focus on anything but the hand under the table. She nearly jumped out of her skin as she slid away from Tony, hugging the other girl.
"Sabrina! It's been too long!" Nica leaned closer to mutter a thank you in the blonde girl's ear, kissing her cheek.
"Veronica, we need to go catch up, come on." She began to drag Veronica away, her waitress outfit, a white tanktop, black jean skirt and her combat boots dared any of them to mess with her. Tony dared just that though, grabbing Nica around the waist.
"We were just getting to really know eachother though." He protested, seeming to hug her again as he let her know through his jeans just what he meant.
"Can't you just let us girls have a little girl time? I'll bring her back." Sabrina promised, smiling sweetly at Tony who reluctantly let go. With Nica free, she didn't wait for any protests before disappearing into the crowd with the younger girl.
Back behind the bar Sabrina led her, past the kitchen and into the hall, out of earshot of anyone else. "What the hell were you thinking!" Sabrina scolded, her green eyes dark to Nica's hazel ones. "Those guys could've taken you right then and there and you wouldn't have put up a fight. Jeeze, doesn't Gina know not to let you out of her sight when you're like this?" She gestured to Nica, pinching her nipple through her shirt, just to make a point. Nica moaned softly, clenching her fists as she fought not to make any more noise than that. "My point exactly, I'm glad Matt sent me over there." Sabrina fingered the leather collar around her neck, shaking her head.
"I know, I'm sorry your Master had to get involved." Nica whimpered, her hands on her thighs as she fought not to touch herself. The temptation was killing her, hidden in the back hallway where it was much quieter and calmer.
"It's fine, but I should get you back to Gina before you get into anymore trouble." Sabrina hugged Nica, the contact making her shudder. "Gina should know better, you're too worked up to be left alone. You're leaving puddles on the floor almost." Nica shrugged as Sabrina took the lead, nearly dragging her by the hand back into the bar, through the people once more.
Once safely back at Gina's table, Sabrina gave a quick hello before leaving, giving Gina a stern look that she said was from Matt. "Keep a closer eye on her before we see her dancing on the tables." Then she was gone.
Sitting beside Scott again, Jasmine and Beth were gone, leaving Gina on the inside next to Nica. With the boys guarding the outside, Nica was forced beneath the table. "If you can't be good, how can I ever let you cum hm?" Gina chided, spreading her legs as she slipped her thong off. The jean skirt she was wearing rode up, giving Nica a nice view of her shaved pussy. It was nearly enough to make her drool as she kissed slowly up Gina's leg, feeling the other woman's hands running through her hair.
"Remember I'm next." Scott was saying, taking another swig of his beer. Gina muttered something before she bit back a moan, Nica had made it to her netherlips, kissing and nipping them gently. Nica kissed down the other leg, leaving Gina to whimper as she started getting wet. Before Nica could move, the hand in her hair gently petting her clenched, pushing her face back into Gina's pussy. Buried nosedeep, she continued kissing, nipping playfully every here and there.
"So much for foreplay." Nica thought, taking her clit into her mouth, she began to nip first, working her way up to sucking on the slowly growing nub. Gina shuddered above her, biting her lip to keep from moaning any louder.
"Yesss, please your Mistress." She gritted out between clenched teeth, her free hand rubbing her breast casually.
Anyone around them would only see two guys and a girl, missing the action, but to those who knew them once Beth disappeared, something was bound to happen.
Nica lapped at the wetness, though Gina hissed that she not stop, it was too much to resist. But another tug on her hair sent her straight back to sucking on Gina's clit, a finger sliding inside where her tongue had been. Gina nearly bucked her hips, the moan hidden by the loud music and chatter around them.
Nica began to move her finger in and out, inserting a second one, then a third, wiggling them each time she brushed Gina's g-spot. As she picked up pace, Gina started getting louder, but nobody even glanced their way. Sabrina could be seen flitting around, refreshing everyone's drinks as she pouted. Nica was good at oral, especially on Gina and Sabrina, making the other girl squirm everytime she passed by.
"Someone wants a taste." Scott commented, gesturing to Sabrina's pout as she refreshed their drinks.
"Later." Gina gasped, raising her hips as Nica petted her g-spot, pushing her close to the edge. Nica redoubled her efforts, her tongue flitting over the sensitive parts on Gina's clit. Nica reached up, tweaking Gina's nipple as she went over the edge. Bobby covered her mouth with his as she moaned, Nica's mouth replacing her fingers as juices flooded out.
Gina shivered for a few minutes, still coming down from her climax as Nica lapped at her quivering pussy. Satisfied, Gina released Nica only to be led over to Scott's hard cock. Nica was going to be busy all night, even as she dripped down her thighs.
As soon as Gina recovered, she dug in her purse, pulling out a decent sized dildo. "Before she starts, why not reward her a little?" Scott grinned, taking it from Gina as he waved it in front of Nica's face.
"You want this you little slut?" Nica took his hard cock in her hands, sliding her tongue from base to tip.
"Yes Master." She purred, taking the head into her mouth as she gently reached into his pants to cup his balls. Scott leaned forward, smacking Nica's butt, forcing her to take more of him in her mouth.
"Good girl." He moved aside her now soaked g-string, slipping the dildo in her soaking wet pussy easily. Nica moaned around his cock, moving her head up and down a bit faster as she began sucking. But Scott wasn't one for blowjobs, he knew Nica would get tired before she got him off.
As Nica continued to move up and down, she slowed down, but Scott only grinned. He slid the beads out of her ass, pulling Nica forward towards him. Nica reluctantly let go of his cock, sitting now in his lap. "Clean these won't you slut?" With the beads now in her mouth effectively gagging her, Scott forced Nica to turn away from him. With her saliva to act as lube, he lowered her down onto his cock, burying himself in her tight ass. "Ah, now that's much better."
Scott smacked Nica's butt as she rode him, her hips going up and down slowly at first as she got used to him and the dildo inside of her. "Faster slut." He smacked her butt again, forcing her hips to move faster now as she panted. Whimpers and moans escaped her lips as he grabbed her breasts, pinching her nipples from behind.
In the darkness, nobody could see in as Bobby closed the curtain, hiding Nica and Scott from view. Sabrina came back with their drinks, staring at Nica and Scott. "I want a turn." She whimpered, squeezing her breast as she leaned against the table.
"Those two just started." Gina muttered, crawling into Bobby's lap, she straddled his hips. "Go ask Matt if you can play with us, we'll take good care of you Brie." It was hard for her to back away, but Sabrina disappeared into the crowd. Gina stroked Bobby's hardon, watching as Scott pushed the table over. With Nica forced to stand with him, he leaned her over the table.
"Little slut, too slow." He chided, smacking her butt again and again as he pounded into her ass.
"Master!" Nica moaned around the beads in her mouth, thrust against the table again and again as Scott picked up speed. Gina was watching the two as she kept Nica's hands on the table.
"No cumming for you bad girl." Scott moved his hands to her hips, squeezing with every thrust. Nica whined as she felt herself close, so close to going over the edge, but as Scott pounded her harder, she knew he was too close.
With a final decisive thrust, Scott pulled her upright by the hair and shoulder, biting her neck. Hard enough to bruise and leave yet another hicky but not break skin. "You are mine." He kissed her ear, warmth filling her ass. "You will not cum until we're all satisfied." Nica whimpered as he took the beads out of her mouth, pulling out of her ass. "Now clean up this mess." She turned around to obey, taking him into her mouth ever so gently. Cleaning the cum off of his slowly softening cock, he forced Nica to bend over again. "Isn't she good Gina?" With a nod from Gina, he pushed the anal beads into her ass once more, plugging her so none of his seed would escape.
"And you'll be satisfying Master Matt and Slave Brie too." Gina grinned at Nica as she sat with Scott, kissing Bobby gently. Scott kissed Nica, giving her a chance to rest for a moment.
"Thank you Master." She leaned on Scott, whimpering as her own need was left unfulfilled. Nica smiled at both Gina and Scott, happy they were both satisfied.

~ To be Continued ~

Just haunting pictures because I can. I'm going to put up a picture of myself with my own self-created Namethingie. :3 Cause I can. So there. Beyond that, I'm kind of still feeling nauseous from the Xmas party. Shots of vodka are NOT my happy place. I shall now begin to rant about whatever is on my mind, and if anyone can't take it that I update my journal like every few hours, bite me. I'm serious, take a nice bite of my neck, draw blood if you want, and mark me for my annoyances. The hell do I care. I'm just a submissive/slave/pet and I have no say. Lol. Well, I do, considering my switch tendancies and stubborn, snotty, bratty attitude, but that's about it.

I'm surprised that some actually read these. Well, kinda. I know on that people Kinda.. sorta.. maybe read them. But these are more for your benefit than for mine. It just keeps me sane to know that I'm venting my frustrations both sexually and vanilla.

Vanilla wise, I'm financially in trouble. What else is new. My daughter broke the mirror on the back of my bedroom door and cut her forearm. Stitches and a few shots later... Now I'm just waiting for them to give me the A-OK to bring her home so I can cuddle her and comfort her.

Sexually... I just got a new glass dildo after I lost my other one... Gr. It's got pink swirls in it and a vibe that goes into a little slot. It's a glass rabbit. A first for me. I've never owned a rabbit vibe before, now I have glass and a rabbit.. Mmm. I'm missing my nipple clamps, my ballgag, furry cuffs, my cat o' ninetails, some bits of rope, a paddle, blindfold, anal plug, anal beads, big 9" 3" wide vibe, candles, restraints..mmm.. and someone to use them all on me without fail. Meh.

I'm also a bit miffed because I want piercings. My nipples, clitoris hood, my tongue, nose, and naval all pierced. I also want my back tattoo finished. Being in financial trouble means I have to put these off, again. I'm getting near to the point of whoring myself out just so I can get all of these finished and done and get on with my life. Gr!

I also would like new clothes since mine have holes in them... I can't wait til it gets warm again and I move out of my sister's house. But then again, I also hate working. I'd rather be the pampered little bratty pet of someone, but I'm too picky right now and too scattered to even consider much.

I already have people in mind. <3 So I'm not really looking for much besides a comforting ear when life gets too stressful to handle. But as those people are far far away, sexually I'm just dying.

So now I'm going to play "video the camera whore" for awhile until I'm happy with it, maybe post it on here, maybe play with myself in the video. No idea yet. I'm just really frisky right now. Strange for me, I never feel like this unless someone is playing with me or teasing me. <3

Oh, and I need to work on my little sign for all of you! Just as a thank you and a "I'm adorable" kinda thing. <3

Now back to your scheduled messages.

Xxx <3 NinaAura

God damn little piss-cunt-bitch-whore! GR!

Okay, so I finally realized why I'm not getting some of the mail.. There's a bulk mail folder..

This guy, as you've read, had my account for a little bit, changed the rules, blah blah blah. So.. I fixed it

Here's the new rules, since I'm now fixing everything and being like "Hm.. what mail will I check.. what Mail do I not give a shit about?"

Guys and girls are now both able to message me regardless of Sub/Dom/ or Switch status.

Only people under the age 30 and above 19 are able to send me messages.

Only people within the United States are able to send me messages.

Anyone not in the state of Connecticut will not be able to send me messages.

If you do not have a profile, you cannot message me.

I know it sounds biased and mean, but I really don't want to deal with the language barriers, distance, blah blah blah. I have what I want. Why go the extra 20 miles and deal with BS I don't care about? <3

If I don't respond, that means you're under one of the parameters and don't meet my list of qualifications. :3 Sowwi!

<3<3

Nina Xxx

So I've come to realize I'm an attention junkie. I'll do nearly anything for attention... I'm considering actually becoming a stripper.. Strange as it may be, the attention would be like ecstasy to me. <3

It's not the sexual I want. It's just attention, whether it be a compliment here or there, a caress or even a hug. I just love it. I don't know why it's so thrilling to me. Plus all the money I would get would pay for my piercings [clitoral, nerfertiti, and horizontal nipple] along with finishing my back tattoo. <3 It's an idea I think I might have to really and seriously consider.

But then what about the downsides? All sorts of men touching me, wanting me, lusting for me. But then that excites me. It makes my blood boil and my pussy drip. I can just imagine their lustful eyes watching my every move... <3

I'm also a sex addict. Without sex I seem to find myself without a place to go. My body craving, my mind slowly gives in to whatever sick and twisted desires it begs of me. Whether it be eating out a pretty girl or sucking cock, it sates that desire that seems to bubble up just below the surface everyday. Though I know I don't have it as bad as some, considering I get bigger toys just to sate me, I know that it's still a huge part of who I am.

For the bisexual part of me, I seem to lust for women, to serve mostly. I've no idea why. I just don't see myself being the dominant girl. I'd rather be forced to lick pussy than force someone else to. Well, I can easily force guys to lick my pussy and take some CBT, but I can't see myself being so cruel to a girl. I'd rather be her sub, slave, etc than have her mine.

One of my biggest fantasies with a girl is being collared, having my nips clamped, my clit clamped and a plug up my ass humming away while I lick her pussy and serve her. However she deems neccesary. It just has some kind of appeal to me. Having a Mistress or a Domme just commanding my every move, punishing me for being a bad girl. <3

But I think I've rambled on a little too long, especially with my lusting tendancies. <3

<3 Nina

So now I'm wondering about anyone who goes to the anime convention in NY called ICON. It'd be nice to hang out with some kinksters. <3 Looking forward to it! Muahs!

Nice try jackass.

So for the past week or so I've been away, I let a "friend" of mine onto my account. Sadly, he's been deciding to try and get girls using my images and things. Posing as me, but alas unless you erase all evidence you're just an idiot. So again I'm forced to change my password and put this out there.

I'm only looking for friends. F-R-I-E-N-D-S.

I found a good one, wants to be used, abused, likes to go to gloryholes, dress up as a girl, etc etc. I mean I have little to do with it besides being helpful with shopping and the girl makeup. But anyway, back to my rant about how pissed off I am.

I can't believe he'd play with other people's heads like that. Just because I didn't want to meet up? I'm tired, I work a lot, there's tons of things that I get called in for, I don't sleep well at night and now I have this jackass trying to play with poor girls? Gah. Go do something for yourself! Go get a fricken girlfriend, one that's NOT me. Trying to steal me away, I have little respect for people like that. I'm happy where I am in life, and if you can't accept that, then there's something wrong with you.

"Let me help you close your account." BAH. What a load of bull. I guess I'll just keep it open and keep my password as my own. No need to lead on poor innocent people who just want fun. There's no fun here except a few beers, friendship, shopping, and girl time.

<3 So will the real NinaAura please stand up and take the stage. Center stage.

Xxx From to Collarme, from Bristol to NYC, I <3 you guys. Gnite.

Time to make a meet up spot.

So I've been asked lately to meet up. I think it'd be appropriate to meet at a place that's public, open for awhile, alcohol friendly and 18+ friendly with yummy food. My idea is to meet at a restaurant/bar.

 I'm going to be hanging out there every Thursday night starting at 8pm, so if anyone wants to meet up, hang out, shoot the shit, let me know ahead of time, since I won't be there every Thursday of course. <3

Hit me up for the address!

Let's start some munches!

So I've been thinking, and since I now have two pets to play with, I'm starting to look for more. Not to domme per-say, but to play with my two male pets. See, one's a bit far away, so now I'm just curious if there's any in the area [Bristol, Plainville, etc.] that want to be used in a forced bi scenario with my slave and sub. Any takers please message me.

My Slave is a 38 year old male, blue eyes, 200lbs, 6'1 with a 5" penis.

His limits are no facial marks, no permanent marks, general safety of course, and of course discretion. He is open to most things, especially forced bi, swallowing cum, anal sex giving and receiving, and humiliation.

Onto my ranting and funtimes.

So I've come across a few people who share my interests. The only problem is age. I'm tired of everyone being so much older than me! Isn't it weird to bring home a guy and say "hey everyone, this is my friend." And then have to explain why they're pushing 35 when I'm only 21. Yeah.. Let's keep it in the 21-30 range and also friends.

I am not up for subbing, I am not up for domming. I will do anything hands off, or if you want to play with my subs, you are more than welcome to inquire.

Beyond that, I have nothing to complain about.. yet.

Xxx

Nina

Oiiiyo! Nina here.

Time for my first journal entry.

Something that caught my attention earlier:

"I'm bi. I adore women. I've always wanted to be with a dominant woman, maybe play with a strap-on.

I don't often venture out into the extreme. Even though some may consider rape to be the extreme, I know there are things far beyond that.

I don't play with safe words. If I have that much control over the situation it completely loses its appeal."

That sums up most of my fantasies right there. Forced on me, resisting and fighting, being powerless to stop it, no safe words. Just makes me wet. I've no idea why it does, just the thought of it makes me shiver with excitement. Girl or guy, it doesn't matter.

I'd rather have that kind of experience than one of consent. It's awkward and annoying to have to say "does this hurt? are you okay?" Blah blah blah.

Being a switch it goes both ways. I'd rather Domme a girl than a guy though, being I can seriously hurt someone if I wanted to. Guys are physically stronger but I'd rather have them afraid of me and obedient where a girl I can physically fight with and wrestle to the floor. Though I haven't met a guy who can take much pain when I get serious.

The experiences I've had as a Domme weren't very good. If the sub/slave starts to cry and begins to lose the sexual feel, it kind of ruins the mood. I'd rather have a fiesty sub than one who cries like a baby. Then there's the "I feel bad and I'm so pissed off you ruined the mood" sort of thing. I guess some subs can't handle hard paddling and plugs. -sigh-.

So any subs/slaves who are emotionally fragile and can't handle pain, please don't bother.

I'm not emotionally fragile by a longshot. :3

So. That's it for now.

XXX Your lovely Switch

Nina