Collarspace

i certainly do need an update here.... for im not that newbie subbie anymore. i have had some experience... enough to know that i crave intensity. i luv thud, not crazy about sting.i found these questions and answered them... it should give you a clearer picture as to who i am....1. When you look inside of your being, really look hard and deep, do you see seething passion that isuntouched,unspoiled and unquenched?i have a tremendous amount of unleashed passion lying deep within... my problem is.. its lain dormant for so long.. i dont know how to reach it.. i need someone that is willing to freely help me discover that part of myself...

2. Does casual play only serve to torment you, to rattle the bones of your submissive desire enough to leave you truly void of any substantial pleasure and fulfillment?

although i have been active in the lifestyle forabout 15 years, ive had only2 partners... i am not one to play casually.. i say in answer when people ask me why i dont.. that i need intensity... and i believe that the deep rooted intensity that i long for can not be achieved with a mere playmate. its so much deeper than that.

3. Do you sit awake at night, wishing there were eyes to look into, eyes that pierce your beingwithout effort, eyes that, if lost, would spare you no feeling of lonliness?i have many a night i lie awake wondering if i will ever complete this part of myself. it seems that so many out there are simply players.. they are sex warriors, and they do not feel the need to take control of anothers mind, body and spirit. i long for the day that my real master finds me, takes me in to protect, keep safe and lead me on this journey that i so want to go on.

4. Do you wish not to pretend anymore? i pretended for far too long in my life. actually, i dont think it was pretending... i think it was unknown desire. i had no idea why i felt the way i did, nor why i wanted the things i did. a couple years ago, i met a couple.. he became my mentor and guided me through the early stages of my journey. he helped me discover who and what i am. for him, i am forever grateful. my quest now is, to wait for my him to find me....

5. Do you long for the feeling of honestly being cared for, wanted, loved, used, desired? Being the subject of His thoughts, regardless of the nature of them, even striving to provide them?i cant imagine finding all of this wrapped up in one man that i will oneday call my master. and he will call his own. i dont believe i have ever felt this kind of unconditional love for another. other than my children and family. i so long to feel it.. i so want him to come along and sweep me away to a place that we will share and call our own. a place that he can easily take me on a whim, and bring me safely back from. sigh... never never land....

6. Do you long to be protected, respected, listened to, taught, urged, pushed?protected.. mmmm.... how wonderful to feel so safe and content that you can give another such a piece of yourself.7. Can you see a day in your existance that you become all that you had ever hoped to be?i am determined. i will be who i am in total, once he finds me, makes me his, and leads me to the places i need to go. im not a quitter... yet patience is not a virtue of mine.. hence, the wait is most difficult.8. Can you ever fortell a time where boundaries, rules, norms, and common expectations are gone in your life?when all those things are absent.. i will know that i belong to someone, and that he knows me completely, more so than i likely know myself.... and i will give all of these things to him to hold and to use as he sees fit. for i will know that he will take my hand and guide me slowly, safely, and gently. sigh... (man, these are getting harder to answer.. for i so want all of this.. and it is really making me think)9. Do you see yourself never having any inhibition, never feeling the plague of forced self-control?im not sure how to answer this one... hmm... i do have self control, for i have to. i am a mom, a teacher, and a person. i just long to give all that up for moments in time. ill have to think more on this one.10. Have your senses been dulled by dillusions, unfairness, inactivity, or resignation.oh how true this is. for this falls in with the players out there. one, such as myself, that is intuitive and perceptive, too can be fooled. as i have. this most definitley dulls the surface. or perhaps hardens it. the inactive part.. that might fall into a lull a bit.. but i know that saving myself to give to one, oneday, will be so well worth the wait.11. Do you feel there is not One for you, that this part of your journey has been so fruitless as to be aggravating to the point of frustration?absolutely not. i believe there is someone for everyone. sometimes it just takes time to cross paths. the lucky, fortuante wind down the path only to find that someone waiting along the way.. others, wonder about, searching.. searching... and always miss.... some of us are meant to connect.. some of us arent. fate calls it... and sometimes, i do believe we have to nudge our fate along.12. Are your fantasies still unfulfilled? only one word here... YES!!!!!13. Has it been too long since you have laughed until it hurt, or cried until it felt so good?im a very upbeat gal... i take life in stride. so i do laugh i do cry, yet i do hurt and feel the pain of deception.14. When is the last time you actually sat and talked about everything, no matter how insignificant, until the sun came up, and wished that you werent finished?sadly enough, ive never done this. are you offering??

there are moments in time that we stand stilll with our heart in our hands... this is one of those times for me. for i was in a relationship where i truly believed he was real and would keep me safe and protected as he always promised.... i was wrong.. more so... he abused and betrayed me. for that, i am very sad. fortunately, months ago, i put a wall up around myself, and did not allow him any closer to me... to my being.... i saw the red flags, and proceeded cautiously.... i thank my lucky stars that i had an amazing mentor that guided me in the beginning of my journey and one thing i learned from him is that when there are red flags, there is reason, do not ignore them. (thank you Sir for saving me) so, i saw them, i took a step back, and waitied to see.... i am so glad that i did, for i only ever want one real master.. and to him, i will give myself completely....that is.. if he ever finds me.... i wait.... and wait....