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Best to let the captain have the wheel in a storm

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9/25/2017 5:41:14 PM
There are memories...in the quiet, in the dark, in the moments before falling asleep, in the soft light before I start my day.  They come to me when I am most vulnerable triggered by a scent, a phrase, some sound, a breeze across my shoulder-endless combinations of stimuli that can make 5 years feel like yesterday. 

3/5/2016 6:15:46 PM
In among the wispy clouds, Orion came into view. Since I was a child, I searched the skies for the familiar stars forming belt of the Hunter. It's been a long time since I felt the subject of a hunter's desire. They say men love a chase, but women long to be pursued just as much. I wish for the heart pounding excitement that comes from being the prey.  

8/25/2015 5:23:36 PM
I'm so tired, and the thought of pushing on just doesn't seem worth it. I tried. I went out on a limb, I got out of my comfort zone, and it still blew up in my face. There is no captain...just an ghost ship drifting in an endless ocean.

7/1/2015 6:25:09 PM
D/s is a dance. Someone has to lead, but someone else has to be inspired to follow.

11/19/2014 5:52:02 PM
I don't love the cold, but I am grateful for warm blankets, and a heater that's working again! Now if I could just find someone to be under the blankets with...that would really warm my cheeks. ;)

11/8/2014 5:31:59 AM
Sometimes this all seems a lifetime removed from me-like it was a dream I once had, but upon waking, can barely recall. 
A few years ago, I was very ill and couldn't eat. At first I was ravenous. The hunger was intense, and demanding. Over the next few days that began to change. I will still just as hungry, but the hunger became a part of who I was every minute, not as demanding in a way, but integrated into my very being. It wasn't just a physical need, it was Me- the hungry girl. What I feel now strikes a familiar chord. At first there was a frenzy about getting back into a D/s relationship. I was sure it was going to happen for me at any moment. I felt the need like a sharp intense pain-insistent and all encompassing. Over time those feelings evolved. The need has become Me-The "Domless" Girl -living a day to day existence apart from the life I can't seem to have. My desires and needs are still there, but the frenzy has subsided. It's been replaced by something worse-a quiet desperation that whispers in my ear all the time.

10/18/2013 10:11:55 PM

We just clicked in every way..he understood me, he knew when to push and when not to push. He was bright, romantic, consistent. He gave me advice, he held me accountable. He was tender and loving, and he could be cruel in the best way. He held my hand, he stole my heart, he took what he wanted, he left me always wanting more. He changed light bulbs I couldn't reach, he covered my cold toes, he bound me and left me gasping, he made me scream with pleasure, he made me shake in fear. He sent me floating on cotton candy pink clouds, he took me to white hot rage. He made me beg, he accepted no pleas for mercy. He made me ask for more when I knew I could not. I loved him, I worshipped him. I needed him.

 My heart was shattered into a million pieces when he left, and every piece became a weapon I could use to hold myself separate from the world. I have put my heart in a lockbox and tossed the away the keys.


2/10/2013 8:57:46 PM

I finally turned the television off, and I realized why it's been on nearly every moment this weekend...the silence is just another reminder that I am alone here. How can something so beautiful as love hurt so much? This isn't baggage I'm hauling away from this relationship- baggage implies some little suitcase of pain that I can pack away and store off in an attic somewhere and forget that it's there. This is more like wearing a sandpaper dress -it tears at my skin-leaving it raw and bleeding.


12/2/2012 7:30:53 AM

I never wanted to be one of those maudlin girls writing pieces about how distraught they were over the loss of their Master. It always seemed to me like a fishing expedition for a new Master where the bait was "look at poor, pitiful me who is begging for attention." Then again, I never expected to find myself in this boat. I was the one with the confident captain at the helm, and I wasn't ever going to need anyone else's guidance. Now I'm adrift on the open sea, and I can empathize with their desperate attempts for rescue. At the same time, I am reticient to accept anyone's offers to help me. I need this time alone-to contemplate on what was, and to decide exactly where I want to go.


11/10/2012 9:27:39 PM

For so long you've been a constant in my life-someone I could count on, someone who let me learn and grow as a person. When I met you I was utterly lost. I had no self-esteem, and I was scared of everything. I had completely shut down my emotions, and I believed not only was I unloved, I didn't deserve to be loved either. When I met you, I never saw any future in front of us, but you quietly became my future. You loved me, you took care of me, you tore down all my walls and rebuilt me. You taught me how to be dependent and independent at the same time. You made me believe that anything was possible in my life. You gave me courage, and strength, while teaching me how to bend, and yield power when I most needed to. You are a remarkable man and you have given me more than I can ever repay, but in all the lessons I learned from you, you never once taught me how to let you go. It's been months now and I still find myself wishing I could tell you about my day. I still find myself wanting to ask your advice about my personal or work life. I still want to come to you with happy news, and help you feel better after one of your rough days. I still have more to learn, and yet, for the first time in years, you are no longer here. You've become like the stars I saw tonight...silent, beautiful, unreachable.


6/6/2011 5:33:15 AM

 I love the morning light of summer. It feels like my blankets-soft and comforting and I don't mind how it gently stirs me awake. It's such a contrast to the waking in the dark of winter- alarms blaring, my arm reaching out to slam the snooze button for the fifth or sixth time, knowing that for every moment I lay there, I am losing precious time meant for my busy day. But for today, I don't feel the need for the morning news,or the weather report, and the tv sits dark and silent. What I do instead is give my cat an ear rub which she loves and she winds herself around my hand to beg for more. My thoughts aren't racing like they usually are, but I find time to contemplate the direction of my life. So many things have changed over the years- I am busier and under more stress than ever but big changes are on the horizon. My life will get smaller, quieter- a lot like these summer mornings, and as much as I love them now,  I often wonder if having less stress, and more time will actually be good for me.Will I be content in my less busy life or will I come undone?


6/20/2009 9:05:51 PM

From time to time Master brings up things from my past, and to me it all seems like bits of tangled string, ravelings of a life that almost doesn't seem to belong to me anymore.  Everything in my past made me who I am, but it also created knots of self-doubt, confusion, and hurt that needed a man with a patient hand who was willing to take the time to pick apart the mess.  Then he rewove all that detritus into something functional and maybe even a little beautiful again.


4/18/2009 5:23:23 PM
We came upon the old homeplace again. Time had wrapped tendrils through broken windows, and across the crumbling steps. The roof had started to fall through in spots. When I opened the door, its rusting hinges startled a bird that had found its way inside, and startled me in turn. I remember a time so many years ago, when it hadn't looked that desolate and forgotten. He'd held my hand as we walked through the rooms, telling me stories about the people who'd once led their lives inside, and I remember thinking how much I wanted to make my own history with this man. In the heat of the afternoon, he'd put me across an abandoned chair and whipped me with his belt, the sweat and tears running down my face and my cries echoing through the empty rooms. Now, years later, we were back and seeing a place that held a bit of our own memories and I felt that same thrill as he lifted my skirt, and spanked me hard-letting me know that no matter how much time had passed, I was still his. I love you, Master.

10/6/2008 5:47:52 PM
I am tired this evening..in that bone-weary, emotionally-drained kind of way. Some days I feel like I am plodding along through my days-getting up in the morning, going to work, coming home, going to bed ..being put through my paces on some never ending treadmill...
I just want to go for a drive with you- feel the cool fall breeze in my hair, stop to pick out a fat pumpkin, remember what it feels like to be your carefree girl. You are the only person who can make me feel all lighthearted like that. You are the one I want to hold hands with, the one who makes me smile in the middle of my day for no reason at all. Tonight I miss you........

7/14/2008 1:51:46 AM
I am up with that clarity that says, " Oh it MUST be morning" but then am shocked to see it nearly isn't.  Still, I'd rather be awake now in this quiet dark time than laying in the bed trying to force sleep to return. I could easily listen to my i-pod while I sit here and type, but as it's on random play, that might mean Ain't No Sunshine followed by a rollicking Boogie Wonderland. Somehow that seems inappropriate for this hour, and I resign myself to the hum of the overhead fan and the occasional dropping of ice into the freezer. Our recent play still reigns heavily in my mind, and I long to have it again. There is nothing in this world that equals the feel of laying submissive under your hand. Whether you wield a whip or a word, my whole world is intertwined with yours. I exist to be your instrument of pleasure and pain and the two meld together like some amazing new alloy-tough, but light as air.

7/10/2008 12:18:22 PM
Last night the storm moved through shaking the house with its intensity. The cats hid under furniture and I was aware of my own need for a quiet place to hide. At the same time, I remember the time when we played and made love on a day like that..with the storm raging outside and my own heartbeat echoing in my ears like thunder...the flogger falling like waves of rain across my back, and the sweet,sweet need being quenched in me like the dry earth...drinking in every drop.

1/26/2008 7:57:57 AM

When he's here, the whole house feels different. The light through the bedroom windows seems softer, the sound of the heater disappears, the air seems electric, and I move through the space tingling from the charge. I am different, too...quieter, more aware like a prey animal making tentative steps out into the open. I hear my heartbeat, I feel every hair on my head, my mouth goes dry...and I wait for the first touch to set me ablaze. 


9/15/2007 8:30:54 PM

There are moments where I lose all sense of respectability...all the remnants of Proper behavior vanish in a ravenous need that overwhelms me like an erotic tsunami. I just drown in him and let everything I've been programmed to think wash away- leaving behind a clean slate on which he builds a new girl-one who is better, more fulfilled, more happy.


7/3/2007 6:12:27 PM

I remember Hide and seek...the count began and you'd scatter off in all directions to find a safe spot to hide. I knew how to be quiet and still and not draw attention to myself while the others giggled or gave themselves away. But oh the anticipation of discovery,,,waiting in the dark, heart pounding, ears listening for the slightest sound, and the suddent shock of being found. In the same way now- being blindfolded..standing there oh so still and waiting for him to to approach, feeling the uneven fluttering of my heart, the tingle of a touch on my skin, his breath in my ear, the excitement building as I wait for what will come...........


6/8/2007 6:22:19 AM

It seems that I am both stronger and more vulnerable than I have ever been. On the stronger side- I have spent the last few years managing a household by myself, working full time, getting another degree, and raising two teenagers into what looks to be pretty decent people. At the same time there is a somewhat comforting sense of vulnerability in my relationship with Master. I don't know what each day will hold, what he will ask of me next, whether he will continue to be with me another day or another decade,but I am content and happy in that. I am in the place I need to be. I always thought opening myself up so fully to someone would make me more afraid, and initially it did. Somehow though, as time has gone by, I have come to see beauty in the unknown. Everything has to be about the NOW. What am I doing, saying, or experiencing in this very moment that fulfills me? If I spend my time worrying over losses that may never happen, I rob myself of joy and I rob Master of the complete woman I am.


5/24/2007 7:18:29 AM

I don't think I know how to emotionally disconnect even when it's in my best interest to do so.  I don't understand how a person can be all cool and detached in their day to day life. Life IS emotion to me...everything is funneled through a network of feelings before I can process it. There are moments when I can appreciate that- the way the sun and wind feel on a warm summer night and I just get all happy driving my car to go pump gas (and given the prices, no one should be happy about that now!) But there are also moments when I wish I could let the emotions take a break..like trying to finish my degree work. Master had to be really stern with me, because I would let myself get completely overwrought almost to the point of shutting down. When you are crying in Kinko's because they break the binding machine...maybe it's time to consider the truth. I am emotional...I am high-strung, I am the girl who takes everything to heart, who analyzes every word and action for what it "means." I have a rich inner life that can be both a blessing and a curse. In the end though, I can't be any other way, so sometimes I have to have a strong hand to take hold of those emotions, and guide me along, and for that I am grateful.


4/29/2007 10:00:00 PM

 From the time I was a girl, I was struck by the knowledge there was a side of me I needed to keep quiet about- The part that questioned the things the preacher said at church, the part that said "this good girl stuff is all a lie", the part that wanted to lay open and yielding to someone with the will to lead me. I didn't want to be Mary; I wanted to be Eve...driven to wrap my fingers around forbidden fruit, tasting the evil on my tongue, letting the serpent slide across my body as I KNEW what was not to be known, even welcoming being thrown out of Eden for the chance to experience the pain to come.


4/2/2007 10:22:34 PM
I awaken...into that semi-aware state where I cannot be sure of who I am, or how I came to be. Even as I lift my head from my pillow, I feel myself lured back into the dream, and I wonder how I ever left it. You were there-looking at me with your laughing eyes and drinking me in like a cold glass of iced tea on a southern sunny day. We were laying there on my grandma's old quilt watching the waves from a passing boat roll slowly over the glistening stones at the water's edge. It is a quiet sound like no other, and I just want to stay there forever-looking into your brown eyes. You have a way of looking inside me-as if you were there for every moment of my life and know every story I have to tell. And in this moment, I know that I love you, and that time has no meaning where we are concerned. We simply are...always have been, always will be..

3/12/2007 4:08:50 PM

I am claustrophobic...I dont like elevators that aren't made of glass, I don't like sitting in a seatbelt when the car is not moving, I cannot handle turnstiles, and having the sheets cover my head. I can't IMAGINE how anyone could go into caves, or go deep sea diving underneath all that water. The mask alone would give me a heart attack.  I would risk my own safety to get away from the illusionary threat that confined spaces make me feel, yet I find the grandest comfort in being bound. Even as a little girl,  I would twist my sheets into wrist restraints to settle myself into sleep, and as an adult, I love blindfolds, and gags and feeling myself pinned underneath Master. I love his hands around my throat, I like feeling totally and completely overtaken and overwhelmed by the very thing that makes me feel like screaming in terror any other time. I am not sure how this happens or why. It seems that the claustrophobia would make me unable to enjoy those things, or the bondage would undo the feeling of claustrophobia. Yet, they both exist in me simulateneously and all I can do is wonder how.


1/31/2007 8:37:37 PM
It never snows here....almost never anyway..but tonight there is the slightest chance that a flake or two might fall. This place gets crazy when there is snow or ice- Kids shushing each other to listen for school closings, the locals emptying store shelves of every loaf of bread and gallon of milk, and activities all over town coming to a grinding halt for the slightest dusting of wintery white. So tonight I won't sleep much as I keep a watchful eye on the night sky, and dream my little girl dreams of snow angels, making the first footprints across a pristine yard, and the sheer beauty of a world gone white. And I will tell the one I love how special he makes this day and all the others, and maybe just maybe,  as I watch the snow falling softly down I will manage to form the most perfect snowball ever, sneak up behind him and.....(I did say I was having some little girl dreams........)

7/30/2006 3:21:21 PM
He pulls the paddle from the bag, and there is a momentary sense of foreboding..I WILL do this, I WILL  do this, I WILL do this...I chant it in my head like a mantra. He orders me over his lap with a gesture I've long become familiar with, and for a moment I am calm as he uses his hands to start. There is a comfort in it, but I am almost holding my breath waiting...Finally,  I feel the smooth side of the paddle resting against me as if to forewarn me of what is coming. I feel it land with a sharp pain, and as he pulls it back again and again, a feeling begins to well up inside that has nothing to do with the pain, a feeling for which there is no explanation , but one I cannot push away. The pain is nothing like the cane, but it is driving me to a point of internal rage. I am fighting the words and feelings that are pushing themselves forward, the feelings of  driving hate, of mutilated death, of darkness with no end, of everything evil that exists in all of us ....finally they explode in a torrent of profane anger as I pull myself away from him...the rage exploding in my brain--white, and hot, and I am lost to it...He orders me to put my face against the wall, I hardly know who I am as I somehow comply.. the anger holds me stubbornly there-stiff- a monument to rage, unwilling to give in. I WILL NOT give in, I WILL NOT give in, and yet,  in that moment, a flicker of something else begins to surface, and  I am torn between the screaming rage and the need to surrender to it, or to him. Quietly, from behind me, he speaks in a steady voice, giving no indication that he is even aware...yet, I know he must see it -in my clenched fists, in my hot tears, in my death grip on the handle of the paddle..and he simply says...come back over my lap now....and I feel myself acknowledge his power over the rage, his power over me, his power over the panic, and I somehow turn, my knee touching his thigh as I bend over his lap...he owns the rage as much as anything else I have to give, and he knows my heart. I am once again the slave he knows I am, and he is the Master who can take care of all of me. I cry in peaceful relief..........

7/30/2006 11:25:33 AM
The idea of an aura isn't really anything I've ever believed in,but I'd have to say I have definitely felt something in the air when Master is here...an energy of sorts, a disturbing of the electrons in my space. His energy seems to radiate through the house, bouncing against the walls looking for its own center...and then it slams through me like I am merely a gossamer version of myself....When he leaves, the energy evaporates like early morning mist over the pond. I miss the quickness of breath, the heartbeat of his life under my fingertips, the breath of his words in my hair,the way my skin feels prickly as if it were waiting...waiting for something it cannot define...

7/1/2006 5:07:59 AM
The cool chain lay heavy around my throat, secured in place by a substantial lock- the sheer weight of it pulling me into a quiet readiness. I reach up to touch it with my fingers, almost as if my neck cannot be trusted to know what it means. He asks me to stand there still , and I feel the rush of embarrassment wash over me, forcing my eyes to the floor. I want to drum my fingers in nervous response, but I know the result of failing to follow instructions. In that moment, thoughts explode into my brain like the 4th of july fireworks finale-steady whispers of "be still, be still, be still" providing the rythmic backdrop. He calls to me, and when I answer "yes?" my voice sounds high pitched and odd in my own ears. He instructs me where to move, and before arranging the chain can be a distraction, he simply scoops it into his hands and redirects it into a jumbled mass beside me.  I find myself wondering how I can feel so weightless with all that around my neck, but my thoughts are soon lost as the first searing pains ground me again. Soon I am lost in a sea of images as my brain seeks to give meaning to what it feels- the crossing beams of a railroad trestle, being the strongest as he whips a similar criss-crossing pattern into my back. I am building the trestle beam by beam as I feel the oncoming train thundering closer....HURRY HURRY , IT"S NEARLY HERE...I am screaming inside trying desperately to finish before it is too late....With each landing of the whip, another beam...higher and higher ..frantic to finish

5/29/2006 2:15:21 AM
I've been awake for a while...the soft notes of Sarah MacLachlan easing me into a peaceful contemplative mood. I love this time of night...the houses along the cul-de-sac are dark silhouettes- no one else seems to be awake at such a strange hour. I settle into one of the chairs on the porch. The quiet feels comforting and odd at the same time. Gazing across the field, I see the blinking lights of a distant airplane, then a surprising streak as a meteor burns in a momentary flash of brilliance. It takes me back to a childhood lake trip where we parked my Daddy's car down at the point and lay on the hood watching a meteorite shower well into the wee hours. I would stay on the porch a little longer now to watch for more but the urge comes over me to check on the children. One has manged to twist the sheets into deceptively complicated knots while the other has abandoned all measure of covers. I straighten the sheets back over them and smile to myself as they stir in their sleep. Does a mother ever quit feeling that need to make sure her children are still breathing, and still safe in their beds? I ease quietly out of their rooms. Even the cats, who have curled themselves into a crescent of fluff at the foot of one of their beds, do not seem to notice me.  I wish I could call Master now, listen to his sleepy voice answering the phone. I could be content to lay awake in the night hours beside him-watching him breathe, admiring the line of his chin, running my fingers across his skin, laying my head in the hollow of his shoulder,  feeling him warm against me. Sometimes the night is so long without him here.

5/6/2006 3:15:19 PM
My brain has been wrapped around educational  terminology of late, and I've felt the creative side of me taking a back seat. So much for imagery of dancing in the moonlight, of his fingers tracing trails down my trembling body, of swirling cotton candy mists as I drop into space...now it's all about what's required on the various syllabi placed in front of me. I can love and hate school at the same time. While I love the intellectual discourse, the pressure of deadlines stands over my work and play time like an angry bull..ready to crush me at any moment. You always hear," it's all about the organization, about effective time management," but I'm a procrastinator by nature, and I suppose there is a part of me that thrives in the adrenaline-laced charge of finishing at the last possible moment. It's all about becoming more, opening up new possibilities, giving yourself room to grow..but there are moments when I just wish the diploma was already in a frame on my wall, and I could go on as before. I always say that Master has given me wings and part of that is taking on the challenge of more school. I'm not sure I would have had the faith in myself to pursue it again before now, so before I wallow in pity over missing my pleasure writing, or my time for fun, I do want to say " thank you" to him for pushing me out of the comfort of the nest, and giving me the strength to start soaring above and beyond.

4/22/2006 5:18:56 PM
I never much liked to drive, except in rare moments when I can roll down the windows, open the sunroof, feel the warm air blowing my hair around, and crank up the volume on the CD player to near deafening levels. Then I feel like I'm not a prisoner of the car, of schedules, of the need to arrive at my destination looking perfectly groomed. This is the freedom that D/s feels like- I'm not driving what happens to me. It's the hair-tossed, deafening screams as he rolls back the years of conditioning. It's the sun in my hair kind of simple happiness knowing that I am exactly where I need to be.

4/11/2006 8:06:21 PM
Nathaniel Hawthorne said,, "Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."...how very true that has been for me. I chased after happiness, sure that through my own efforts I could capture it. I thought that if I just looked hard enough that I'd find the perfect person for me. All I did was succeed in frustrating myself. No one seemed to see me. I felt transparent. But like a hero with X-ray vision, he just SAW me...Saw something IN me that he knew he could reach, Saw something in me that knew my heart would respond to him. In his quiet way, he opened up my heart to happiness.

3/4/2006 4:03:54 PM
Enigma is playing on the stereo....the notes movng through me and around me like a mist...fluid-driven thoughts take hold and I am halfway to my space already. Wrapped in leather cords, his commands reach in to harness the darkness that has always been there. I feel the rhythm of the drums pacing my heartbeat, the chords of the music and his voice urging me on...my limbs feel longer, my skin more aware, I am the music in another dimension....I see it now as it floats through my transparent skin. The pain simply my tether to the real, keeping me from floating away.....

2/22/2006 9:45:53 PM
It's raining now, shrouding the night in a grey-blackness that makes me long for warm blankets, and vivid dreams. It's quiet. The cat curls up against my leg expecting to have her own personal slave catering to her every whim, and of course, I oblige by rubbing her ears. I ruin her delight by getting up to find the wooden box that holds my dearest won possession- my collar. How I wanted it, and how I longed to be called his collared slave. I put it to my neck and lift my hair to latch it into place. Its simple elegance speaks a sharp contrast to the complicated journey getting to this place. I smile to myself secure in the knowledge that I am his, and knowing before I awaken, he will be beside me again....

2/10/2006 6:38:12 PM

Somehow I wind up over his lap, moments of awareness in a tangle of sensation. I lack the psychic vision to know his intentions, but I am well versed in what he expects of me. His instrument of choice could be a gentle hand, caressing me , letting me feel a warm rush of eagerness between my thighs while teasing me with the promises of more to come. Other times , it is a searing white hot reminder that I am his to correct and discipline. There can be dual moments of unparalleled bliss and unbridled pain-Him asking me if am I ready for another fall of the cane, and me shaking my head yes through a haze of tears, wanting and not wanting...needing the pain to wrap itself snakelike through my Eve-like brain. Like her, I want to KNOW....


1/30/2006 8:18:11 PM
The water ran..warm and scented with lilac..I sank down into it and it created a world around me...quiet,  save the sound of my own breathing. I closed my eyes and retreated to a blissful reverie of moments we'd spent together. How often I think of you in the quiet stillness. My mind drifts off to remembrances of simple moments- the way your hand brushed my thigh the day we met, the first moment you said you loved me, the feel of your fingers as you fastened a collar around my neck. I know the scent of you, the way the your eyebrow arches, the way your voice changes when you are serious. I know how to make you laugh with a silly pouty face, or how to surprise you by talking dirty without being encouraged! And as much as I do know about you, I also see there is so much more to learn.I love you Master! 

1/25/2006 8:22:40 PM

I never realized how much I let fear dictate my every action- where I went to school, who I dated, who I didn't date. I wasn't in my life...I was on the outside looking in-wanting to participate, wanting to let go, but being too afraid. I thought that if I surrendered completely that I would somehow be lost, and what would surface was some flawed version of myself that I could not control. The fact is...I always knew what I wanted down deep inside, and it scared me to death. I was the " smart girl" - the kind who was successful all on her own. But I knew...I just knew there was this voice inside that was crying out for someone to lean on, someone to help me find structure within the inner chaos. I might have looked like I had it all together before, but inside I was lost. Anne Lindbergh said, "If you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly those moments." In living my life of surrender with Master, I find the fears have been quieted  and my life is indeed richer.


1/23/2006 7:03:52 AM
 You have to love Mark Twain's explanation of life.."When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained"..Sometimes I've questioned what drives my interests in D/s. To many of my friends, it would seem a step backward as a woman to look to a man for "permission" or to cater to his needs. All I know is it makes me happy. Every time I do, I feel a sense of purpose. Maybe it is a little mad to others, but it makes sense to me. We all need to be loved and to love, and how we show that to others is varied. Some are aloof, choosing to demonstrate their love in how hard they work to provide for their family. Some are demonstrative and wear their heart on their sleeve. I'm a little of both. I loudly proclaim my love, but it's also about the actions.  I enjoy taking care of the people I love-in little ways and big. I'm not so sure that slaves who claim they are all about the service and don't require any thank yous are quite being truthful. They are getting gratitude..maybe not from the Dom, but from themselves. They are serving their purpose. So, I do my best to please my Dom..and in doing so, I also please myself...that doesn't sound so insane to me....

1/17/2006 6:04:53 PM
In the play "our Town" Emily asks, " Do human beings ever realize life while they are living it-every,every minute?" and then the Stage Manager remarks in response, "No, -saints and poets maybe- they do some." Well, I'm no saint, and while I have a love of words, I'm no real poet either, but I do realize it...at least now I am really aware. Every second is something to be treasured- the pure joyous moments wrapped in Master's embrace, the pain of the cane on my thighs, the longing I feel waiting to see him. In my past I just existed...I drifted through my life like a tumbleweed blown every which way by the whim of the wind. My journey to this point was rocky but now I have purpose and direction. Master has awakened me to my own life. I am realizing my own potential again.

1/16/2006 1:09:15 PM
How do you know he loves you? He makes sure that he covers up your toes, so they dont get cold. :)

12/30/2005 11:43:52 AM
There are moments where I cannot find my way..a walk on the canal, the beautiful notes of a foreign baritone, the empathy of a child's head on my shoulder, nothing chases the darkness away. I stood at the rail watching the swirling water today wishing it could carry me away as effortlessly as the leaves that scattered the surface. Johnny Cash sings in the background.."I hurt myself today to see if I still feel, I focus on the pain the only thing that's real"..

12/4/2005 6:43:25 PM
"slave" as a process and not merely a state of being..I've come to think of that more and more today...the slave I was...is no longer the slave I am, nor the slave I hope to be in the future. It is a journey as surely as the journey of girl to woman to fabulous ole chick! Ha! I don't like to think of myself as static in anything- I am constanty striving toward some ideal off in the distance. While I may never reach it, it pulls me ever onward. I cannot be content to say I am a slave...I have to think of myself as a slave in progress...

11/22/2005 8:23:37 PM

The darkness came on quickly chasing away the soft shadows of dusk that had bathed us in a warm glow. I huddled close, as if I could close out the world and exist only in the cocoon of his embrace. He rocked me gently, his hand brushed my cheek to wipe away the tears that fell so freely only a short time before. It had been brutal-frightening in its intensity, yet now I felt safe and protected. I am always amazed how my emotions can swing so wildly from one extreme to another-excitement,  fear, arousal, contentment. He is the Master of all that I feel, and all that am.


11/14/2005 7:25:46 PM
The silence is but momentary...I hear it as it slices through the stillness of the air and finds its mark. My pale skin seems to sear underneath and his cane finds my back again and again until the marks rise up in a tangle of red-hot ribbons. I feel myself slipping away, but I don't try to resist. Sometime later, I hear a low monotone voice calling out to me. I reach out through the swirling haze of color to find the one who both torments and comforts me, and my peace is complete.

11/2/2005 8:59:51 PM

we are the little old couple sitting side by side- he is patting her hand in a familiar gesture of comfort, of memories, of companionship....we are the young lovers, limbs intertwined steaming the windows of the parked car...we are the children shyly giggling over a kiss behind the shed, and running off in red-faced embarrassment...we are the nearly middle agers..molded by the baggage of their pasts, yet facing each other with the sure confidence of people who have found in each other all the missing pieces.


10/27/2005 8:35:36 PM
If I could paint our relationship...it would be hard to chose the colors...there are the earthy warmness of browns, the tranquil blues and greens of the sea, the firey display of the oranges, yellows and reds, the quiet of greys, the drama of black, the majesty of purples, the pureness of white. So if I paint, it will be to make a collage of every hue, every nuance of light and dark and even then, I would be missing some element- some indefinable color that only exists within us.

10/25/2005 7:44:43 PM

Grand gestures are nice (what girl wouldn't like jewelry? And no, Master, that's not hinting!)but those things are ultimately  not what defines a relationship. It is the quiet day to day moments that are the most telling. I read a great quote today, "In great affairs men show themselves as they wish to be seen, in small things they show themselves as they are." What I see in the small things is the man who impresses me most-Kind, compassionate, a man who will massage my back when I'm tired, , who pets my cats, who helps me make the bed,who changes the lightbulbs I can't reach,who does all those silly little things that make me smile. That says more to me than anything.


10/24/2005 10:08:08 AM
Dependence and independence--sometimes I walk a fine line between the two. As a slave, I have watched my dependence on Master grow over time. He sets a tone for my life that I have come to need and expect. At the same time, my independence has grown with my increased confidence in my role and my place in his life. He doesn't micromanage, but he does insist on my compliance with things he deems important. Maybe that is part of our success as a couple. He gave me wings to fly, but also a place to nest.

10/22/2005 10:18:50 PM
Sometimes sleep refuses to befriend me. At other times I can sit still for a moment and drift off into dreamland without ever planning to. Tonight is one of those restless evenings..Let's see...I've reorganized my closet, washed every piece of clothing, every towel, sheet, etc in the house, decorated the front of the house for Halloween ( guess my neighbors will be surprised when they wake up)..and yet, I'm  here looking for something to do because I am simply not ready for sleep. The thing is..Master will be here in a matter of hours, and I suppose it's a little nervous energy, and he does still make me nervous. There's that first moment when I set eyes on him that I feel my whole self light up inside and the biggest grin come over my face...but it's followed by a little giddy schoolgirl fluttering of my heart. He still gets to me...I love that!

10/13/2005 5:08:17 PM

 He's always been good at setting the stage...creating the mood ahead of time, so that by the time of his arrival, I feel like an actress or dancer ready to walk out from behind the curtain to the center spotlight. Maybe today it will be a dance -a sychronized pairing of cane and slave in a violent explosion of power and need. Maybe in another act, a quieter Pas de deux with limbs intertwined and souls connected. Whatever the dance, I await nervously in the wings.


10/10/2005 8:15:22 PM
Black and white grainy images on a flickering screen counting down the days before...and then opening the door to a Technicolor world..my eyes gazing upon a new reality, a new way of seeing, and being. I am no longer dull and listless, but inspired to journey toward something bigger than myself, with a wise One leading the way. No need to click my heels, with him I am already home.

10/4/2005 7:25:03 PM
Control..in the subtle change of volume in his voice, in the way the backs of his fingers trace my jawline..I feel myself let out a sigh and lean back against him..the blindfold goes on and all the world is sound and sensation..a sudden searing pain, a kiss on my shoulder blade, the sound of a whip as it cuts through the stillness of the air in the room...I am liquid in everything...body, and mind...I mold into the container of his making.

10/2/2005 5:49:44 AM
Oh my...the crop came yesterday. Was I INSANE? Ha! It's funny, I can think that I don't like pain. I can say that I'm not a masochist, or a pain slut, but my actions never seem to match what I say. He lost his crop a long time ago, so I thought it might be nice to replace it for him. As soon as it got here, the anticipation of seeing it in his hand became almost unbearable.

9/25/2005 6:03:21 AM
He asked me to wear the collar even when he's not here. I don't HAVE to have a visible collar to know I am owned. I feel that connection every second of every day, but it's strange how comforting something symbolic can be. Long ago he gave me a ring as a symbol of his dedication. When I am stressing at work or at home, I find myself turning it on my finger, rubbing the surface of the stone, and it's as if he is here whispering in my ear.." I am here, you are calm, you can handle this, everything will be fine"...and I can feel my heart rate slow, the relaxing of my shoulders, and I do feel more in control. Since becoming his slave, I find I handle everything easier-work seems so much less pressure, my children easier to manage. I am more organized, more capable. D/s has been good for me in far more ways than I realized it would be.

9/21/2005 7:39:05 PM
I can feel him calm me...in the midst of pain, and a mind screaming inside for it to stop, I can feel his hand on my back, and I am still in body and spirit. He's always managed to do much with the slightest of moves,or the barest of words. Not to say that he can't write like a poet, but sometimes I admire the minimalist qualities he also possesses. With a look, a gentle hand on my shoulder blade, a finger to whipe away a tear, he manages to say everything I need to hear without ever uttering a sound. And when he does speak, it is as if he is whispering the first words ever spoken, and every thought I have wraps itself around every syllable that leaves his lips. And I hear the calmness in his words, and everything is peaceful, and warm, and safe.

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Bea47
 
 Age: 32
 Atlanta, Georgia