2/3/2018 7:00:01 PM: Beyond the searing loss, the daily tears and constant ache, a window has been thrown open. Sunlight streams into the gloom showering the future with such radiance that the shape becomes red.   Anchor cut, reasons dissolved, and nothing left to do but accept.  Nothing remains. Soon the tears shall need to be dried.Hanging from hooksin time and space,amorphous shadowsall around.  More ephemeralthen the constancy and devotion shown.Nothing is binding me here,the painful emptinessechoes resoundingly,whispering of what was.Freedom beckons and is both bitter and over rated.

10/30/2017 7:59:38 PM: I need someone who's aware of how pain, control, love, suffering, sex and ownership are tangled up in my head.  I really don't know what else to say about that.  There's an almost desperate need within me to be owned.  And an equal feeling of complete unworthiness... that I'm trying to overcome.  Most days I succeed. I wish to belong to Him to the point that I can't imagine my life without Him.  Where when I'm not under His control I feel an anxiety.  I need His approval as much as I need to breathe.  I need my heart to beat for Him.  I need Him to hurt me.. for both of us.  I need the intimacy of the pain. I want Him to imprison me... literally if necessary.. if I ever consider leaving.  And keep me there until He's managed to straighten my head out.  I need to be kept firmly on His leash. I need to know that disobedience won't be tolerated.  I don't wish my soul to be crushed... but rather to be set free to be His and used as He sees fit.

10/30/2017 7:48:04 PM: Lately, I've been reminded of the hole that is at my very core.  A hungry void which craves to be filled with purpose, meaning, direction, structure.  It's a very primal, basic thing.  It's tied to sex but not wholly sexual.  It's about power but there must be my surrender too.  I wish to exchange my freedom for Your control.  Without that...... I lack purpose, meaning, direction, structure.  Without that......I lack something vital.    It makes me feel unimportant and useless to not have You to guide me and fill up this hole inside me.  You give me value.   The hole inside is so desperately needy that it scares me sometimes.  It's unnerving to see that i don't have an internal sense of purpose on my own.  That I can't be complete on my own.  I need You.  On one hand, You're complete on Your own with Your own purpose, goals and drive to achieve them.  And that makes me feel very attached to You.  It makes me feel very secure.  And very vulnerable.  What if ... (insert pessimistic thoughts).  And what if this ... and what if that ..... and what if You change Your mind and decide I'm just too much trouble?   I don't personally know anyone else as needy as I am.  But I think it's why I'll feel comfortable around You... when I'm not terrified.  I have a hole in need of filling and I seek that out and am trying to open myself.  You have an abundance of purpose and direction.  And You seek out a hole to fill with Your excess.  You need to control me.  And I need to be controlled.  I offer my freedom to You and You offer Your guidance to me.   I cringe at the thought of being offered choices and the freedom to make them.  I need to be constrained by You in word, observation and occasionally physical restraint.  I need Your boot on my throat.  I want to give up my choices.  I need You to create an environment where there is a loss of freedom to make choices.  Where I will please You.  Not because I choose to... but because you will make sure I do.  There is no alternative.   I need You to fill up my hole so I can be real.  So I can be useful to You.  I don't exist for myself... I exist to please You.  I exist to be the other piece of the puzzle which fits by Your side.. and half a step behind, Master.

10/25/2017 4:37:29 AM: Today he nudged my fingers with the toe of His boot. Lifting each one up and off the precarious ledge. Calmly I watched and felt a frisson of fear.. and a puff of desperate desire.   Today I slipped down ......so very far down. Into the pit from which there is no escape, no reprieve, not any expectation of mercy. Nor is any desired.   Today I looked into His eyes and they were still focused, amused, watchful, kind... and yet unyielding. And calculating. Judging my descent and planning my fall.   I've about given up clinging so desperately. Or perhaps I just realize that I am unable to prevent my decline which seems as inexorable as His beloved ocean's tide.   I find myself impatient awaiting the next kick proceeding at His pace though comforts and calms My only thought being 'kick me harder please Master'. Please... hurt me.

9/3/2017 11:30:33 AM: I dreamed that I was being kicked down a cliff or a rabbit hole down into the dark pit of slavery. And I was afraid.   Down the hole I fell landing temporarily on an outlying shelf only to have Him step to the edge and onto my fingers.   Each drop knocking my breath away leaving me dazed hurt trembling.   Trying to gather myself only to feel Him kick me again and again and again. And yet again.   Wistfully, I think of girls who humbly and gently offer their submission like a delicate flower.   Those who guard it fiercely forcing the earning of their 'gift'.   None of that applies to me.   Mine is forced into compliance by yelps of pain and welts and tear stained eyes and struggle.   Rip it from me, make me suffer for resisting and never allow me to forget that it's to You i belong.   Demand devotion, insist on obedience, require neediness. Claim Your slave and it shall be so.   I know no other way.