11/17/2008 1:23:09 PM: It's probably time for another journal topic.... how about - the charm of chastity... How do you assess a profile, from a sexual point of view? On those odd occasions when someone piques my interest with a modicum of intellect, I'm generally pretty fairly curious to peruse their interests, to try to explore their sexual mind as well. If you're like me, you'll perceive patterns of thought emerging through the combination of choices... but if you were only allowed one interest item to make your assessment, what would it be? For me, the answer is chastity devices. I can't explain it fully, but there's something so intoxicatingly erotic about them - they work for me in so very many ways. At the simplest level, I've always been extremely turned on by some G-strings - the way they separate and frame each cheek, proudly presenting and packaging them ready for consumption in whatever way a man desires - and chastity belts, some more than others, also do this job well - only, in a strong, uncompromising and non-negotiable way. But they also do so much more... When it comes to items of bdsm sexual attire there are of course many - but as sexy as it sure as hell is to wrap a controlling restraint around a wrist, ankle, elbow or knee - how much more erotic is it to wrap one, slowly, carefully, but firmly, purposefully, drawing inescapably closer to closure, around her most intimate parts - knowing that once it's locked, he alone controls her sex, he alone decides when next it will be accessible, he alone decides when this monstrous, unyielding, archaic-reference shall next be detached from her body - because... it's not her body, it's his. And the body of a stainless steel chastity belt would no doubt outlast her body - it's not going to rust, decay or rot - so as long as she's intact, the belt remains - if he desires it, forever. How indescribably dominant. It works in so many ways. The total control, the total ownership - the constant reminder that she is his, that she - and especially her sexuality - exists for him. Sure, a physical reminder may not be necessary - but if a collar brilliantly symbolizes the gift of her mind, her soul..., her life - surely the click of the final lock does the equivalent with her sexuality, as she becomes one with her ever-present genital cage... And like many of the best bdsm accoutrements, there's an element of physical submission to wear one - the mild discomfort, the restricted range of motion, the increased complexity of excretory acts - it's a gift that keeps on giving! The fact that it can be hidden under clothes is of course another brilliant aspect - symbolic collars are great for those of us who value our privacy, but it's kind of special when, with one of the most intense bdsm accessories, not much compromise is really required... As for the mental aspects... it perfectly reinforces my favourite concepts - devotion, commitment and the gift of oneself. More than just a verbal commitment to serve to the utmost of her abilities, there's a subtle - but unmistakable - implication, that genital stimulation, for her, has acquired an extra hurdle - suddenly it's not as simple as just reaching down and rubbing or thrusting - suddenly she must do a little more, to justify the effort of removing the belt - she must please that little bit more - and she knows it. Suddenly there's an extra goal to strive for in her submission and service to him - which, as with most challenges in bdsm, must inevitably result in more giving, in more devotion - hence more appreciation of both - and more, and even stronger, love. Then, of course, there's the possibility to lock dildos and butt plugs deep within her holes, teasing her with every smallest movement... yet simultaneously denying her the very pleasure which they dangle before her eyes... or drip from her aching cunt... it's simply magic. There are, of course, a few practical difficulties - and I fully acknowledge that... but with all these wonderful thoughts to be had on the subject of chastity... I can't help but believe that a girl with the ds mind I seek couldn't fail to at least appreciate the fantasy of the chastity belt - to dream about it occasionally - and at least jot down 'A little interested' next to it...

5/30/2008 5:41:55 PM: 'I am submissive.' - lace wrote. 'I am a dominant man.' - a quote from another profile I was recently pointed at. Sitting here I find myself rather amused - and thinking about another post I stumbled upon recently. entitled 'I'm NOT a 'Real' Dominant?' Compared to you people, I feel like a fraud. I can say neither than I am submissive, nor than I am a dominant man (and I'm not going to go anywhere near the concept of a 'Real' Dominant). Being dominant isn't really innate or inextricably linked with the core of who I am, it's not my truth, and I don't define dominance. I'm don't believe I'm dominant for the way I react to situations or people internally, and as for the 'commanding presence' that many subs seem to idolize - well, I'd far rather model my presence on the meek, humble and gentle persona that I associate with the Dalai Lama. Indeed, I'm strangely satisfied by the comment I've had from several women (including my favourite sub to date), 'I'd never have expected you to be dominant'. The core of who I am is an exceptionally loving person, with huge reserves of caring and compassion for many people, but especially my one. I lived with a girl in Sweden for five years - and for all those five years we also worked at the same place, often sitting not more than a few metres from each other. We went to work together, worked together on the same projects, had lunch and socialized together (with others but almost always us) - about the only regular time we weren't together was for a weekly sporting game I played. And we both loved it, it was bliss - there was no one I would rather be with, for any activity - and she felt the same. [Why aren't we married now - alas, ds wasn't her thing and finally I decided I couldn't live without it - but the non-sexual love was still rather absolute.] Anyway - my point is that this is who I am, this is the intensity of connection I seek - and my natural character is one of compassion, consideration for others, accommodating others needs and desires - and trying to make a difference in this world primarily by forming meaningful connection with others in a one-on-one sense. I don't need to dominate. In a group, I don't need to lead - but sure, if I feel it's not being done well and I could do it better for the benefit of everyone - I'll step forward. But otherwise - I'm totally happy to follow (since as people at Alt should appreciate, doing so in no way demeans me). Perhaps, reading all this, it's unsurprising to learn that when I first got into ds, I started as a switch. The explanation of this was (and perhaps even is) that whilst I wouldn't say that I'm really dominantly or submissively natured - I'm exceptionally strongly attracted to the underlying concept of ds - which I somehow see as a brilliant extension and expression of very deep love. I was pondering the other day why this might be - and the thought struck me that it could perhaps be because I've always felt so incredibly loved and protected as a child, by both parents. They would both have done whatever was in their power to provide for me, and to shield me from anything that could adversely affect my childhood (eg, when my father was retrenched at one stage, and money was a sore point, my sister and I were reasonably young - and never knew anything about such adult problems). Another lasting memory was when, as a somewhat successful sportsman (sportsboy?), my mother bought me some (in hindsight) ridiculously expensive sports shoes - whilst she herself rarely ever bought new clothes. It's hard not to be somewhat humbled by such experiences, it's hard not to feel immensely indebted to my parents for all they have given to me - and maybe, strangely, such treatment has encouraged me to seek out the most passionate, deep and intensely loving relationship I can find. ds, to my mind at least, affords this possibility better than any other means I've found. That strikes me as an odd thing to say, but it's the way i feel it. For example, at times when I've felt the most intense love for my partner, I've found myself wanting to press my head really hard against hers - in some kind of comical attempt to meld our minds into one. Words just don't cut it. Sex just doesn't cut it - I want more, stronger ways to express the love, commitment, devotion and strength of feelings. I can't say I feel that ds is the ultimate solution to my 'problem' - but it does feel like a wonderful, and beautiful, improvement. So whilst I began life as a switch, because it was the connection ds made possible that I so craved, not any specific role - I was kind of pushed into the dom role, simply because it suits my personality - and perhaps my somewhat conservative upbringing. Relative to most people I'm mostly more responsible, calm, measured and competent - all of which lend themselves to the role of dom. I don't need to dominate anyone - but I can, and I believe I'm reasonably skilled at it, and I find it exceptionally erotic and thus I won't have a relationship without it. My nature is one of intense curiosity - I want to understand everything about everything - with an emphasis on topics I find more meaningful, such as people. Clearly the role of dom is an ideal one from which to foster this penchant, since it gives me unparalleled access to the innermost workings of my beloved partner. And the more I understand her, the better I can dominate her, the more perfectly I can walk the intoxicating tight-rope that pushes her buttons just the perfect amount to keep her right on her edge - however that edge may change over time. Of course, there's many facets to all this. I have a fairly healthy libido I think, and I'd be an idiot to suggest that the prospect of sex - in the form/place/time of my choosing, isn't highly erotic as well. Indeed, if I ever wish to hasten an impending orgasm, a favourite fantasy is the idea that this sex, and this woman, is mine to enjoy simply any time I feel for it - a feeling which becomes a thousand times more erotic if I really love the heart and soul of the woman from whom I'm taking such pleasures. Hmmm - that's an interesting thought - what other fantasies really do it for me? Two more spring to mind I think. The first is the fantasy that this wonderful woman, whom I love to bits, would willingly and lovingly bear children for me - yep, I love the way nature has programmed that one into me, always puts a little wry smile upon my face, sneaky mother nature ;) The second - is darker I guess - it's about pain. Since love is far and away my strongest motivator, I was long averse to the idea of physically hurting my partner. Yes, I think I've probably always been able to appreciate the beauty of the idea that she would willingly endure it as a symbol of her love for me - but hey - I love her - why on earth would I want to hurt her?! Time, perhaps, has mellowed such thoughts - along with a slightly deeper understanding of the concept that, for similar or maybe different reasons, she may actually enjoy receiving it. It's still a sensitive topic for me - but my current favourite expression of it, which is probably familiar to many of you, is the electric connection shared when staring into one's partners eyes whilst executing some form of nipple play/torture - one can see exactly what she's feeling, how she fights to endure it, for you - and for her. Witnessing that little struggle is something pretty special I would say, can't think of much in this life that compares to it - though it's of zero importance to me compared to other aspects of a relationship.

5/30/2008 5:39:24 PM: So today's musing concerns a rather uncomfortable question; one which, from time to time, I'm sure I've preferred to sweep under the carpet or jam into the skeleton closet. Some months ago I spotted a girl in a bar. As is my style, I watched her for a while - how she danced, how she interacted with her friends, facial expressions, how quickly she seemed to laugh when a joke had obviously been made... yes, I was trying to size up her mind. She seemed decent - and turned out to be decidedly so. Was she kinky? I didn't know, but I've got lucky in the past with vanilla girls embracing ds, so I gave her a chance. In the wash-up, some months (and enjoyable sex) later - no, she was adventurous but not kinky - and certainly not at my level - oh well. The interesting thing, however - at least to me - was some of the realizations I had whilst trying to describe my world to her. It's a bit of a weird feeling, I find, talking to vanilla people about non-vanilla topics. Indeed, when I was unceremoniously tagged by that serial referrer thelastbabygirl, I wrote that 'I don't like talking about .... my secret passion with anyone who doesn't understand.' Why is this? Well, whilst doing precisely this with said girl, I felt that the majority of things I was saying did rather sound like I was a nut case - by ''normal'' standards. For example, I tried to describe to her the concept that some submissives *enjoy* the feeling of being 'used' for sex, some submissives *enjoy* the role of existing purely to be of sexual pleasure to another, some submissives *enjoy* the idea that they are required to have sex when and where they are told to do so, without overly much choice in the matter, theoretically... In a ds context, I kind of take a lot of this for granted. But suddenly, in the sobering reality of trying to explain it so a vanilla girl, who's trying to understand why I don't think she's the one for me - I must say it felt - embarrassing. What, exactly, is wrong with me, that I like - nay, *love* the concept of a person being 'used' for sex? It's funny - as I write this, I've got the black of alt on one half of the screen - it's a background which somehow is comforting - it represents the darker world which some of us find so stimulating. But it also seems to be making it a tad more difficult for me to connect with the foundation-shaking feelings I had whilst trying to describe this to her. Why would anyone want to be 'used' for sex? From a vanilla perspective, the only real answer I seem to find is that one feels unworthy of anything better - that one feels, deep down, that one deserves nothing better than to be used, that one deserves no respect - and that maybe, consequently, one feels 'at home' to be (ab)used by a more 'worthy' person - and feeling at home is nice for all of us. Surely a 'good' person deserves better, deserves to be honoured, deserves to be listened to, deserves to make his/her own decisions about when or if his/her body is utilized for the sexual pleasure of another? At the very least, however, submissives can claim the defence of charity - that they are giving to others and enjoy doing so. But what of dominants? It's well known that guilt can bother dominants at times - guilt for using others for their own selfish ends, guilt for, objectively, paying scant regard to their sub's wishes or desires - or the kicker - guilt for gaining pleasure from inflicting pain upon another (and ideally... someone the claim to love!). If I was worried that subs are screwed up - HOW ABOUT (us) DOMS!?! Yes, questions like the above have certainly bothered both me, and many before me, from time to time. One answer I once read, regarding the 'guilty-dominant' phenomenon, was rather simple - 'Get over it'. The claim was that there is no magic cure for it, there's no way to rationalize it - it's just to accept it. My years in ds have led me to believe strongly that ds is probably hardwired into our brains to some extent - it's something we just happen to be built to enjoy, so it's not wrong - or screwed up - provided we do it with others who also enjoy it. I guess this lends some support to the 'get over it' response to the issue. Recent experiences, however, have encouraged me to wonder about this a little more deeply. Of late I've had reason to consider the question of ds swinging - or 'casual bdsm' perhaps. Personally, it's never been something I could go for. I think the key reason for this is that I'm a strong believer that you never really know anyone. If you've had a relationship with them you'll know something - but even then, they can hide plenty. As such - were I a sub, I'd be extremely keen to know a person very well before submitting to them - ie - trust is paramount. It's kind of natural, therefore, that I would expect the same mentality in a sub - so I'd not want to play with them unless I felt they had reason to really trust me. Anyway, whilst thinking about the question of bdsm without love, I was struck by the (potentially inflammatory...) idea that maybe it's the love which 'makes it all okay'. The basis of the idea is that yes, it may be disrespectful to treat a sub as a sex object - UNLESS - in the back of your respective minds, stored as a rock solid foundation - is a buffer of tremendous love (/respect/admiration/friendship). BDSM is obviously a form of escapism - and the theory that occurred to me was that the key, for me, to that escapism, is the knowledge that deep down, where it really counts, you love each other, prize each other - and have nothing but positive thoughts for each other. But such thoughts serve as a safety net to experiment - to pretend - and even feel, to a degree - a range of more primal feelings which, for whatever reason, arouse us. Am I making any sense? The answer could well be no, for several reasons. What's wrong with just liking being a sex object? Nothing, I guess - it's no worse than liking the colour green. What's wrong with getting pleasure from hurting others? Well... nothing, I guess - provided you don't do it to anyone who doesn't enjoy receiving it. And yet still... I wonder... (though alas, this is one 'But why?' that I'm not going to ask my dear mother ;) Anyway - as a perpetual student of life... I welcome all opinions.

10/27/2007 7:36:03 PM: Why the hell are people so fake? So I stayed at one party way too long last night, putting off going to a second party at which I expected to encounter nothing but fascade. And sure enough, when I finally bit the bullet felt justified in my procrastination. I only had one good friend there, and when the bs-smoke cleared for a moment and I could actually talk to him, he immediately flicked the switch from fascade to realism, and confirmed my thoughts. One of the apparently prime fascaders came and sat on my friend's lap, and after a while, I got talking to her alone. With about three questions, we suddenly cut through all the fascade as she began to gush about the most idealistic desires I've ever heard. I was dumbstruck. What's more, every time one of her friends came up to her, she'd revert, instantaneously, to Miss Superficiality, in a way that would have made Messrs Jeckel and Hyde green. Walking to a taxi afterwards, another friend at the party was hugely less impressed by the girl than I - complaining that 'No-one is fake underneath' - which, when combined with my experiences of the last 3 hours, struck me as a ridiculously meaningful comment. Why? What's the deal? What's so wrong with who we really are and what we really think?