12/16/2004 1:13:45 AM: Presented in an IRC discussion on #submission_discuss on EFnet, May 11, 1997.One Dominant's Journeyby Mindful====================Thank you all very much for coming.  I want to preface this by saying that this is a highly personal perspective.  I have no pretense that my views are any sort of definition of dominance/submission.  I will simply present the personal account of my intellectual and spiritual journey that led to an honest awareness and acceptance of my dominant nature, and to my vision of a loving D/s relationship.  Because I am a heterosexual male dominant, I can personally only talk about male dominance/female submissiveness.  However, I think the issues of self-awareness, honesty, and self-acceptance are important to all of us involved in bdsm.  Hopefully you will take something of value from this back into your own life. I first wrote down these ideas in a post to a listserv.  Someone asked the questions, 'Where do you think your need to dominate comes from?  And further, what do you get out of it?'  These questions prompted me to take a new look at who I am.I'm 45 years old, and I've always been a learning, inquisitive, thinking type.  The current phase of my intellectual/spiritual/self-awareness journey started about six to eight years ago, when I started asking myself anew certain basic questions such as:  Who am I?  What is my nature?  What is my role in the universe?  What *is* the universe?  What is important to me?  What is my ideal?  How can I know these things with certainty?These questions are, of course, of a philosophical nature, and in the process I've become a student of philosophy.  I've found that it is one's *philosophy*, i.e., one's underlying views of life and existence, regardless of how well or poorly defined, whether conscious or unconscious, that drive one's actions.  Indeed, philosphy moves societies and changes history.  Some philosophies have resulted in pain, suffering, killing, and subjugation of humans, while others have unleashed the power and glory of man, allowed him to shape the earth to his needs and reach for the stars.One of my first very strong realizations was that men (i.e., human beings--this is not about gender) are first and foremost individual rational beings.  A corollary realization was that there *is* an observable objective reality (don't laugh, there are many who disagree).  I am able to know that *my* individual ideas and realizations have value and that I can test every one of them against the touchstone of reality.  I realized that rational man ultimately and best flourishes, creates, produces, advances humanity, loves as an individual.  Thus the moral ethic is one of egoism, i.e. enlightened self-interest, the personal advancement of one's rationally held values.  Man will often join groups to achieve his objectives.  However the ethics of altruism and self-sacrifice to the collective, the common good, or a higher power are inherently evil and destructive.  Once man sacrifices himself, he no longer has value to offer anyone else.Lest you think this is getting terribly off the topic, it is not, since this is my personal perspective on my own jouney to know 'who is the Dom', i.e., me.  The previous discussion serves as the context for my own investigation of my nature.  In that context, it is only my observation, definition, and acceptance of my nature that is of value.  I use other people's ideas to refine and hone my own thinking, but anyone else's ideas or judgments about *my* nature are ultimately irrelevant, as they lack any power for me.  As to the 'why' or the 'how' or the cause of my nature, it matters not a whit to me.  What is important is that I see it with crystal clarity and total honesty.  Whether my nature is the result of some ancient neanderthal genetic programming or some deep evolution-driven urge is totally irrelevant, though perhaps somewhat interesting, in the context of the life of a rational man.Parenthetically, another philosophical truth is that reason is man's means of survival, and it is man's defining characteristic.  Indeed all knowledge has been gained only through the use of the senses (perception of reality) and the application of reason.  I am committed to reality and reason, and I thus have a hard touchstone for every idea; consequently certainty is available to me.  A corollary truth is that I rationally define my own ideals and values, and my emotions are an effect of my values.So in looking at my nature, of course I look at my inner feelings or urges, but only validate them by looking at the outward actions.  I know now that I have been dominant from an early age.  As a boy on the farm, Dad would give me chores or tasks.  I would find myself in the pasture trying to mend a fence, or in a field trying to keep a piece of machinery working, and I would have to improvise to get the job done.  Before long, I found that I learned to have a vision of how I wanted it done and how it would get done, and that I had the power to make it happen.  On the related issue of the physical act of control, I became keenly aware in my teenage years of the strength of my body, of its movement, of its capacity for grace, precision, and coordination.  Although today I am sure that I have less 'technical' experience than some other Doms, at the same time, I have no doubt of my ability to physically control, to inflict pain for a purpose.  On the farm, I would often have to use physical force or pain to induce compliance with farm animals like cows or hogs.  I was effective at it, I used the force necessary to accomplish the purpose, and I never damaged an animal.  I remember once driving a young stubborn cow first to her knees and then all the way to the ground, bellowing, with my elbow driving hard into her ribs.  She was never a problem after that.When I began having sex with girls (at the ripe age of 18), I found that I enjoyed exerting my power, being in control physically, and I could do it pretty well.  Even though I enjoyed my masculinity, I had conflicts about it.  I was raised in a strongly religious family environment and so got a healthy dose of the religious ethic of self-sacrifice.  I went to college during the beginnings of the feminist movement, considered myself a feminist at one point, and actually bought the idea that masculinity had done much to fuck things up in the world and in relationships.  Despite the conflicting ideas, when I fucked it was always with energy and passion.  Though I enjoyed physical control during the physical act, I sublimated my desire to exert control beyond that.  It was during this period that I realized I enjoyed being with strong, intelligent, sexy women.  Trysts with 'I.Q. challenged' women (how's that for political correctness) left me feeling empty.During a trip with the woman who would become my first wife, she agreed to be blind folded during sex and the very idea touched something deep, though I was not ready to really explore it.  Thereafter we occasionally engaged in what I might now call D/s sexual activities, though I was unable or unwilling to fully explore this part of my nature.  After our divorce, I was in a long term relationship with a woman who, I think, discovered some of her submissive tendencies with me.  It was during this time that I was beginning to wean myself from religion and feminism.  Physical control during sex became more overt, more demanding.  At the same time, I was gaining a better appreciation for the sensuousness of women and sex.  I was later involved with a woman who was very intelligent, very accomplished, and very sexual.  I think it was with her that I learned that it was actually okay to be very demanding in sex, to take my pleasure with force.  For the first time, I think, I truly experienced a woman who took great pleasure in giving pleasure.  Or perhaps it was the first time that I was able to honestly accept it.  We engaged in light bondage, spanking, and a great deal of anal sex.  I always considered anal sex a very, very dominant/submissive type of activity, and she taught me that it could be joyous, healthy, and uplifting; that there was nothing wrong with me taking her body for my pleasure, in the way that I wanted it.  When I did, she received great sexual and emotional satisfaction.  Another piece of deprogramming.  There were times with her that I experienced my manhood in a way that I never had before, and it was simply exquisite.  But I still was unwilling to fully explore my nature in terms of D/s.  To me, it still seemed 'situational' to 'this' woman, or perhaps that was my excuse for not fully facing my own nature.Before I married my second wife, we discussed some issues of power and control, though I still didn't want to think of it in terms of D/s.  I even raised the idea of using the obsolete phrase 'and obey' in our vanilla marriage vows.  And we enjoyed some D/s sexual activities.  It seems almost ironic to me now, but it was issues of trust, power, and control that ultimately doomed our marriage.  (Someone might argue, however, that if I had been truly willing to fully accept my nature at the time and to truly be and act like the dominant that I am, then we both might have gotten what we really wanted.  I can't refute that.)  It was during this marriage that the current phase of my journey, to which I alluded at the beginning, began.In the few years since she and I parted, the various aspects of my journey have come together with great power.  The experiences I've related serve both to reveal my nature and to validate my realizations about it.  In the context of my philosophical journey, I have honesty, clarity, and certainty about it.  To borrow a phrase, I am who I am 'without pretense and without apology.'  I have engaged with others (such as some of you here tonight) on the topic of D/s.  I have come to learn more about the minds of strong, intelligent women who fully embrace their submissiveness and their womanhood 'without pretense and without apology.'  I have had a couple of overt (as opposed to covert?) D/s relationships.  I have continued to question and refine who I say I am.  Consequently I am quite, quite clear about my values, my ideals, how I want to live my life, the kind of woman I seek as a lifemate in a loving D/s relationship.  I am possessed of a calm assurance, a confidence, and a patience that I've never before experienced. I've thoroughly worked through the issue of dropping any guilt or hesitancy I might have about simply 'taking', about being worthy of it.  I AM worthy of it.  And now I see its real purpose and value in a strong, loving D/s relationship.  Unless I take her TOTALLY, take her how I want her, take her when I want her, physically discipline her to retake control, unless I am willing to do these fully, then I deny her the appreciation of my tender caress and kind action.  I deny her the full appreciation and enjoyment of her womanhood and my manhood.  And I deny myself.The other part of accepting my dominant nature is accepting the responsibilities of being a true dominant.  I would widen it to include 'the responsibilities of being a true man'.  And I admit to some fear in this area.  I do not fear that I might not BE the man/Dom that I say I am.  I AM most definitely that man/Dom.  I sometimes fear that I might not BEHAVE according to my own standards, might not behave as the man/Dom I say that I am.  For me this is a universal context, encompassing both my role as a man in the world, and my role as a Dom in a D/s relationship.  And since I am clear about my values, I seek in my partner a reflection of those values.  That means that 1) I will choose a strong, self-aware, intelligent partner of quality, and 2) that I would in no way seek to degrade her or break her spirit.  If I were to do that, I would be devaluing and denigrating both her and me.I also accept the responsibilities for defining and protecting and nurturing our D/s relationship.  (Of course she has responsibilities in this area, as well.)  I clearly see the difference between a relationship where the couple enjoys fantasy role-playing and pleasant D/s sex, and a relationship with real boundaries and consequences in the physical world.  It is the latter, of course, that allows the intensity, the true power exchange, the genuine ecstasy that is available.  It is necessary to determine the essential rules going in.  In my view, this is entirely consistent with the rules of successful human endeavor in nearly any field.Finally, 'what do I get out of it?'  In dominance I am in touch with a part of my manhood that is otherwise unavailable to me.  I view it as my own surrender to my ideal man.  It is integral to the advancement of my values, to my personal pursuit of happiness and satisfaction, which I consider to be my highest moral purpose.  In it, there is a satisfaction available on mental, emotional, and physical levels.For a better idea of these, I invite you to read a piece of erotica I wrote, which is based on real experience.  It is somewhat tame in terms of bdsm, but illustrates the texture of dominance/submission in the context of an erotic encounter in a new relationship.  Feel free to request it by email to:  (request email address).  Also feel free to email any other comments you have. To close, I reiterate that this is one man's personal perspective, the story of his realization and acceptance of his dominant nature.  It is not meant as a 'D/s bible' or anything else of that sort.  I invite you to take whatever is of value to you.