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I'm getting ready to head back to California next month for a visit. 17 days to go and counting. I'm looking forward to spending some time out there with someone very special and close to my heart. Who knows what the time together will bring but I'm sure it will be electric. Each time I go it gets harder to come back but my life is here. This place has grown on me a bit over the last couple of years but this place, unless she chooses it, is no place for her.
There is some appeal to going back home. My friends, family, community, it's all there. But here I have peace. It's quiet and safe and I value the cleaner air. I miss the California beaches but I think I would miss places here like Ruidoso... not that I go up there much. I like the small bars here but miss the live music scene there. I hate the traffic there and don't mind it so much here. It leaves me a lot to think about and in time I'm sure I'll have it figured out. I can always just go back and forth but I'm afraid that would get to be too much on me at some point and right now it's not possible to reciprocate the travel arrangements.
I suppose, as with everything, there is a little give and take that needs to be shared and in time I'm sure it can and will be. For now, I'll just keep considering my options and be thankful that I have options to consider. What I know with absolute certainty is that I have to weigh everything and be calculated in any decisions that could impact my ability to sustain the life I'm living. If only I were 10 years younger and able to take the risk all over again. |
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It has been amazing reconnecting. Not much has changed aside from our connection being stronger than ever before. The energy is heightened and more focused, the connection more centered, the love... undying. How do you go 10 years apart without any contact to still be so incredibly in love with one another? This doesn't happen to just anybody. |
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I look back so often at what was that I forgot to look forward to what could be. Looking back eventually stopped being a journey through regret and anguish and turned into a guide for the next journey but there was always this burning question in my soul. I knew the answer but couldn't get out of my own way long enough to go back and pick up what I had no intention of dropping off. One must never forget their journey or what is in their heart that guides them. Stay the course no matter how rough the seas become and never stop trying to be a better version of who you are. This is where I lost sight and where it all began for me.
Looking back through my journal entries, it's easy to see where I was and where the sinister side of myself came out of hiding. I was on top of the world. Nothing could touch me as I had the best of the best. I was the Alpha to her Omega. She was the moon to my sun. We paired so perfectly that some would say it was destiny. We were proof that soulmates actually existed and even today our story would affirm this.
The Notebook has nothing on us and only offers a small glimpse into who we are and what would become of us without the tear-jerk ending. No, our story is a mixture of some of the best stories ever told dating back centuries. Our story was foretold and unfolded long before we existed. Our lives were meant to cross paths (again). I saw her before we met. I met her before I even knew she existed. We existed before time was created. We were created to enhance the lives of the other. I was the Yin to her Yang. We existed before we existed. We remember coming together in a dream long before our story began on this plain and there is no denying our connection either by dreams or by the electricity and connection that exists between us. I can feel her despite the distance between us.
10 years ago I let her slip away. I let the demons that haunted me take control and posses me and dictate my actions despite the fight I put up. My resolve was weakened and I vanished out of existence but she was never far from my thoughts and every day I would call out to her. I would beg the winds to carry a message to her. I plead with whatever was out there listening to give her peace and comfort. I wrote coded messages here to her. As private and as shielded as my social media accounts were, I would only post a public message if it was meant for her but I forgot one very important thing. We were eternally connected. Perhaps it was for the best as it would have driven more more insane dwelling on when she would return to my life.
The best years of my life was with her. She was my friend, my partner, my soul, my everything all wrapped into one amazing little package. She was the epitome of perfection. She was the only shining light in a world that was dark, cold, and weary - but she also knew my heart and fought a major battle to protect it.
Fast forward 10 long agonizingly difficult and painful years to not so long ago when she reached out to me. Her words were simple yet touching and concerned - just checking on me. When we first came together, I had just lost my Mom to cancer. When she came back to me, I had just lost my Dad to the same fate. Looking back, all I wanted and needed was to hear her voice. Out of everything I could have done and through all the time that had passed, I still chose her as my means of comfort. My first thought were of her and this time she replied. Who needs email or phones when you are us?
More to come... |
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Being "out of touch" with the scene over the last couple years has been a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I have figured out the meaning of my own life and what I can be doing to attain inner peace and calm in the outside world filled with calamity. My best work comes from helping others see that which they could not see before. The world is a blinding place when the things in it have more appeal than the knowledge of what comes next.
With most mental barriers broken down and shattered into a thousand little pieces, the clarity of this reality shines brighter than the sun or a thousand suns together. The mediocre fall prey time and time again which the strong minded and strong willed thrive survive and thrive with the blessings that man cannot give or buy. I see a new way and have attained a new beginning and have thus set the stage for my own rebirth.
It is simply amazing what one can do when they open their eyes and see the true beauty of a people who work hard to play hard but do it all in appreciation of the creation. What was once a subtle moment in time wrapped in love of "things" is blossoming into something more beautiful than the eye could see.
There is one word alone that can create so much confusion but in time and with effort can create a whole new world for all that take the time to meditate on it. Today, I share with you that word and the world that was created for me because I can say that I get it.
Simplify!
Find your balance... find your love... find your heart... find your life.
Having take the time to effectively meditate and discover the meaning, I find now that I am even more capable than once thought to achieve even greater things in life and to stand for something in death. If we don't stand for something, we will certainly fall for everything. So take root and plant new seeds in the minds of those around you. Show kindness and mercy but be strong and mighty. Let the world know of your loving kindness but build armies of great might to aid your defence. Wisdom is the hammer that can break nations apart while building new ones to stand until time indefinite.
Plant the seeds of life and let the vibrant color of the violets bloom for eternity. Think of others before you think of yourself but stand strong and mighty and stay the course. |
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My heart lies in places that I cannot allow my mind to follow. Perhaps one day I'll find a symbiotic balance in the two ideals but until then, my mind will focus on that which is most important. Afterall, the heart is just an emotion as where the mind is knowledge and the ultimate power. |
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You can change your words, your attitude, and your style but you cannot change who you really are. Though we all are different from where we once were in times past, our soul remains what it always was. A dark soul will always be dark and the loving will always love. People simply don't change. They merely adjust to their situations and surroundings and live life in accordance of the current mindset. Is it truely living though or is it a matter of simply settling on being who you think people think you should be? I'm guilty of this and I can't count how many people I know who do it too. But, when you do it and it becomes second nature, what do you have? Most will start confusing the reality they create for others as truth in themselves because they like that reality and want that reality to be true.
If people took the time to understand themselves better, to look deeper at their own life, and to examine all the false realities and understand their true selves, we can get to the truth of persons soul and find solid relationships outside of the hidden agenda of simply appeasing people and saving yourself from family or friend drama.
If you can't be real, who the hell CAN you be? |
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Intrusive are these thoughts of past days. No glory, no thrills, just memories of faulted moments in my history. "No rest for the wicked", they say. The minds eye rapidly previews past events with haste while the other two are in the dark seeking beautiful rest and glorious peace. My soul, tainted with ever growing sadness and sorrow while seeking the forgiving words of the lost. Alas, I'll never find those words as none exist from those I seek nor do the ones I seek exist in my surroundings. One day peace will be mine when they understand that my intentions were always good though my actions spoke differently for I have a good heart as you've been told by the spirit in me. |
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There is absolutely no scene in New Mexico that I can find. People here seem to shy away from it which is rather sad. |
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The time has come to make a choice. Do I return to California or head east once more? I need to go somewhere fun and I'm not sure California is going to be that place. Spending my weekends shooting pool, drinking Crown Royal, and spending time with my old friends is of great interest to me but is it what I really want to do? I fear that I would simply be trading one happiness for another and that just won't do at all. I guess only time will tell. It's better to not make haste in decisions such as these.
Perhaps I should think about it a lot longer. Afterall, I would be stuck in traffic and breathing really bad air in California. Staying here or heading East would be healthier. I hate traffic and where I live now, the air is clean and crisp and there is hardly ever any major California-like traffic. |
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Life has a way of throwing a curve ball at you. Just when you think things can't get any better, they do. Only when we stop wishing we had that in which we do not have, do we truly get what we want. Life is a gift people... be thankful you get to experience it. If you think your life isn't that great, only you have the power to change it. |
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Listen people... you are who you are. You like what you like. You do what you want to do regardless of your roles. Why must I continually read about people putting other people down based on their choices, especially when their choice isn't that far fetched?
Let's put it this way: who am I to tell you that you should drink coke instead of pepsi? Is it up to me to tell you that you shouldn't like coke because it has more sugar? That's right... the answer is clearly no!
If you people are truly who you say you are then you would know NOT to judge another for what they will and will not tolerate.
For those that do and continue to do so, I suggest you stop hiding behind the mask you have created out of the lifestyle to get laid and find a hobby and delete your account here. |
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The winter season was a killer for me. It costs me way to much energy, took me away from everything, and the only thing I got out of it was frustration. All that is over now and it's on to bigger and better things. Rio Rancho/Albuquerque should prove to be interesting. |
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I'm finally starting to get a break and catch up on my personal life. I've missed A LOT over the last couple of months. I'm giving myself a couple days off to breath and spend time at home resting or maybe snowboard again, or atleast try. |
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Life sure has a way of lifting you up but it sucks when it tries to bend you over! It's time again for a change. |
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I'll be heading back to California for about a week soon. So to you, my friends, if I don't reply right away I will once I get back to NM. Funny thing... when I leave here after we close for the summer season, when I get back here there will be snow. Can't wait to snowboard again. |
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To the East is the future, to the West is the past. Do I embrace the future or embrace that which has guided me? I've realized there is always a fork in the road and that I'll probably always find them no matter what I do or where I go. I think I need to choose the road that leads me through the path of least resistance this time. |
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I can't recall a time where I've ever felt so good about the paths I've been on. I've changed lives and helped people realize that there is better out there and to reach for the stars. Unfortunately, there are others whose lives are so filled with drama and jealousy that they try to turn good things into bad through the eyes of others. On a funny note, the jokes on them because people have come to me and told me what's been said and feel that the lies being told are just that. It's great when people are able to open their eyes but I do encourage them not to fall into the drama no matter what side they take as it's not worth corrupting themselves over such issues. |
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People have asked why I chose to give up my life in California and move so hastily. Frankly, I'm not giving up on my life in Cali. Instead, I am exploring other options. I'm still young and I have the ability so why not? I've lived all over the United States mainly because... I could. I'm not running to or from anything. The simple fact of the matter is that I choose to give it a shot. I've always wanted to live in the mountains and have always wanted to learn to snowboard. This is the opportunity to do just that. It wasn't an easy decision by any means. There is a lot that I leave behind but it doesn't mean that I won't or can't come back in the future. We never truly know what hand we are being dealt. All we can do is choose a path and hope for the best. |
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I am getting ready to start my journey to the snowy mountainous regions of New Mexico. I'll be leaving at the end of this week and it should prove to be exciting, different, and a great life experience... one of many more I'm sure. |
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You will never believe this. I'm sick AGAIN! I've been pulled out of work for 2 weeks to deal with some other health related issues but that will soon be out of my system as well. |
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Gobble Gobble Gobble (yeah, that was pretty pointless) |
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Who's eyes are these that gaze upon my skin? To many to mention but they lay in silence lurking. |
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I am pissed off!  It is not a good day to fuck with me. I just got over being sick and after a few days of feeling better, here is comes again. At least it's not as bad this time. On top of already not feeling up to par, an idiot at the office decides not to follow my instructions and blatently disregards my clients instructions. I spent 7 hours ON THE PHONE dealing with this nonsense and doing all the damn work myself. Luckily, the day is over and my night is just beginning. It's time for a shot of Crown Royal! |
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I can't tell you how many profiles I've run in to that say, "I'm looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with". Oh GOD! Go for it... jump in any relationship with that mentality and you'll become the 52% divorce rate statistic or the 63% single mothers.
You can't do that to yourself and I can't believe that people still live in this fantasy world and continue down that same path no matter how many times they've already gone through it.
Find your own path first. Stop looking for that "rest of your life" scenario and make something of yourself. Stop being one of the statistics that is driving the United States into the ground. We are looked at by other countrys as ignorant and in fact, WE ARE when you compare us to any other civilized country.
That's all I've got to say about it... for now. More action to come later. |
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I'm not religiously pious or anything but I stepped into a church this morning with a friend of mine. No, the place didn't burn to the ground but my skin did feel like it was on fire. The only comfort I had was the cold breeze that mysteriously came from nowhere several times.
The message today was about being humble and not proud. I can attest to that message without it being pounded in to me for 2 hours but the thought did occur me that the bible wants us to follow all these rules about this, that, and the other thing. WTF? We aren't perfect! We can't follow every single rule there is. In fact, according to the bible, men must not shave, EVER. Sounds to me like we are all sinners and completely disobeying "the good book".
Getting back to being humble, we are supposed to never think of ourselves and always think of others. If that were the case than we wouldn't get anywhere. There would be a fight to hold open a door, a fight to get one another to go through the door first, we would never eat because we would be offering our food to others, we would be sharing our home with homeless people, and doing everything for everyone else.
I'm sure that down the line there will some crazed bible thumpers foaming at the mouth when they read this so this is for you: if you contact me, be respectful otherwise YOU will have sinned according to the bible not to mention the fact that you "should do unto others and you would have others do unto you" or whatever it is.
I was raised a JW and brought up in the Kingdom Hall. OYE VEY! I never wanted to be Jewish so much in my life. I hated it, it made no sense to me, and didn't mesh well. I still respect it and treat those in it with respect and LEAVE THEM TO THEIR OWN. Judge not lest ye be judged yourself.
I hate religious zealots. I have no idea what the point of all this is other than to just spit a bit of that bad taste out of my mouth. I tell ya, going there today was like eating a 4 year old fruitcake your Grandma sent for Christmas. <insert violent shuddering here> |
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I had a long journal entry planned but decided against what I originally wrote. There are simply to many people out there that like to judge and cast their doubts on people. Instead, I'll just say that after a long drawn out break it's time for "Kane" to return to his throne. I am going to retake what is mine and rest assured, I am stronger and wiser more now than ever. It's going to be a long journey but I am looking forward to it and hope the friends I've met will be there to understand what I will eventually speak of. Friends will greet you on the street. True friends will walk with you. Where do you want to fit in? |
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I met some CRAZY people tonight. Right up my alley for sure. We hit three bars tonight and had a friggin' blast. |
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If your eyes are truly a window to the soul, what do your eyes say about you? It has always been an interest of mine to stare deeply into the eyes of people who meet me. I get transfixed and without spoken words I am able to communicate. It is the eyes that hold your deepest darkest secrets, fears, joys, and more. It is your soul that I want to consume to make you a part of me. It is not your body that I am after. It is your mind, your heart, your love, and of course, your soul. Those are the things that bind two people together in a harmonious symphony and make them one.
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So I ask again; what do your eyes say about you? Shall we take a peak? |
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My heart really goes out to my friends family. They are severely shattered over the loss as is anybody who knew this man. I hear the funeral went well and people shared a few stories together. After the funeral they gathered back at his house New York Apartment where those were to shy to speak in front of the hundreds that attended were able to open up and share with whomever they saw fit.
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Losing a friend is never easy especially when it's the kind of person with such a zest for life and all that it is. So to you my friend, go in peace. You will be remembered as a legend, a survivor, and a true inspiration to all that knew you. Say hello to my Mom for me. |
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Death... the end of things or the beginning? Perhaps a little bit of both. A friend of mine passed away today and it takes me back a long time ago when I first joined CollarMe. I lost my Mom a few years ago to cancer and now having to focus back on this horrible element of life, I once again find myself stunned and in a bit of dismay over yet another horrible and tragic moment. I probably won't be around for a few days while I get my thoughts together and send my best to his family. Unfortunately, I will also need to deal with the past I mentioned as well. The circumstances were all to relative to not just be able to ignore. So as I leave for the time being, I wish you all well and good health. |
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Temptation, infatuation, recreation, determination, no explanation, exasperation! These are all terms coming to mind right now. The temptation to overthrow the balance of power. The infatuation of my own thoughts and desires. It's recreational and so much fun to dive deep into the inner soul of someone. The determination to consume the very essense of you. I offer no explaination as it is just what is within this deep darkened place of my own existence. I'm exasperated because I am not doing these things. |
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Oh what little pleasures we get out of life. It's been so long since I've been able to get to a dungeon. There really isn't much stopping me so I suppose I'll have to pack up the gear and go. There is nothing like the stinging sensation of flesh on flesh when an open bare hand connects. It's intoxicating! There is so much heat and passion pulsing through me and it's knocking at your door. Will you open it and be fully consumed by all that is me or will you deny that threshing lust filled exposure?
It is the power within that consumes us. That power can be your savior or the one thing that allows me to get into your mind and consume your thoughts. Is the path of least resistance greater or is it better to withstand your inner needs and desires?
I'm just blathering I suppose. I seriously doubt any of this will make sense to those that don't know me but that is quite all right. |
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Things are moving right along. I'll be teleconferencing with my team and hopefully getting some layouts completed for the consumer side, the client pages, and the backend for site administration. Once that is in place, the site graphics will need to be done but we have a top notch person that's going to hammer that stuff out. Her art... let me just say it... AMAZING! She is a friggin' whiz on Photoshop. Once all these things are in place then the database should be halfway completed. When ALL these things are done, it's time to start writing content, which for me, is the easy part.
If anybody can write or knows somebody who can write reviews, please get in touch with me. One last thing, you must live in or be local to the Inland Empire areas of Southern California. It helps if you enjoy bars, pubs, clubs, etc. |
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Well, it's official! I got a guy to handle logistics and another guy to handle programming so within a year, those of you reading this that live in Southern California, more specifically the Inland Empire, will have access to a very comprehensive search tools. I can't share what it is just yet but I should be able to in just a few short months.
I came up with this idea nearly 2 years ago and until last week, it was to remain a dream of mine. Within the last three days, we have unleashed a flurry of creative ideas and pulled together a team of three very creative and business savvy individuals.
That's all for tonight. I just finished working on it and I'm beat! |
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Another day is over. Monday is out the window and I couldn't be happier. Funny thing happend at the office today. I can't remember what the basis of the brief conversation was but he just had to toss in the fact that he "knows about me" and made a crack about it. It was just in some comments he made but it was fun, AND funny for a moment. I should have said more than what I did about it but I couldn't push it to far with others in the elevator with us. It's a shame.
So my clients are finally starting to understand that they themselves can do what they pay me for. There are no secrets to doing SEO but there is a lot of focus and time management involved. It can be rough at times when some client is breathing down my neck just to yell about not having number one in Google. Lucky for me, that is my que to yell right back. I tend to get away with that kind of thing because time and time again, they back down and start listening to me. I can't blatantly tell them what to do but for those Realtors who have brains, they tend to get the point.
Some don't want to go without me regardless. They know how miserable I am there and don't want me to go away. I've been offered a ton of money to work for them on my own but damnit... even as much as I hate the company, I still remain 99% loyal. Damn it all!
Off to bed I go... rest well people! I'm going to be moving all this over to a peronal blog really soon so if you are interested in keeping up, just let me know and I'll give you the address. |
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People annoy me! Maybe it's just Americans in general that annoy me.
Besides being heavily annoyed with people, I'm actually in a pretty good mood. I have been over the course of last week for the most part. The job is stressful but I think that is just about any job. No matter where you work or what you do, there is always a demand placed on you to get your shit done.
In my case, the demand comes from pesky Realtors and lord knows that some of them think they are the "end all, be all" and that they deserve to be put in front of the list because they are "multi million dollar producers". If I had a penny for every single time I've heard that as their excuse, I'd be a very wealthy man.
Realtor or not, you don't get pushed up in my list of things to get done. I'll do it when I get to it. Frankly, when you start demanding, I put you at the bottom of the list. There is no better way to learn patience for some people.
So, back to the good stuff. My stress is down but not as much as I'd like it to be. I still feel a very strong need to just get away for a while. Perhaps just being away from work for a week will do the trick but then again the work load I'd have coming back would be tremendous and enough to drive a man to the brink of madness.
I'm still working on a few things and still in need of an ASP, .NET, or PHP/SQL programmer. Once I get that and can get the ball rolling on this idea I have, life will change a lot. This idea I have will pay off big time. If anybody reading this has the above mentioned skills, let me know. We'll talk a little and decide whether it's a good fit, I'll send over some confidentiality paperwork to be signed and stamped, and I'll fill you in. Hey, I gotta protect my ideas.
Off to bed...
Be Well! |
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And so ends another "delightful" day. It was actually fairly laid back and relaxing. I arranged for nothing to do and other than grabbing some take out Chinese from this great spot down the street, I did absolutely nothing other than think about some ideas for my personal and business website. That is all in fun though.
I love my new phone but I hate it at the same time. I locked up on me already. That's Microsoft for you. They can't make a stable OS if their life depended on it. We'll see how it goes with this handheld device I got. It's great for business and music but not really much else. It's complicated, slow, and has bugs. We'll see how it acts after the next update.
Speaking of phone, I haven't been answering it lately. I guess I just don't really feel like talking. I would like to talk to those that call me but at the time they call, I'm just not with it enough to hold a conversation. It's a lazy day so maybe this week I'll be in the mood for it.
Well I guess that is all from me for now... there may be more tomorrow. Who knows! |
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This path... what is it and where will it take me. Do I take the road less travelled or carry on through what is known and comfortable?
I can close my eyes and see the ocean, hear the waves breaking, and smell the crisp ocean air. That is where I need to be right now. I need to be sitting back with my feet up, a cigar in one hand and a Mai Tai in the other. Okay, I can swap the cigar for my flogger that has been aptly named, "Oh shit" because that tends to be the first response when friends see it.
I need to break away from this blasted environment and not lift a finger. I need to be served, waited on, massaged, bathed, and pampered for 24 hours. That outta lift this crazy stress off of me. |
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Life is still a bit crazy, work is insane, the stress is sky high. In fact, I think my tension is at an all time high right now. That tells me that it is time to get away. I wonder if I can take medical leave and what the requirements are for that. I'm sure I fit the bill considering the stress part of it all. I can toss in anxiety and possibly nerves just for good measure.
Calgon, take ME away! |
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Well, I've been busy with other things lately. I've neglected CollarMe to much but maybe I'm not really missing anything. It's still the same old place with the same journal entries. All I see are people writing about bad times.
It's a shame... |
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I hate being sick, I hate working so much, and I hate reality at the present time. I'm off to lay down... again! |
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To know me means that you will either love me or hate me. |
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I would love it if we can make a show of force! Lets turn an average hick bar into a night of fun! I'm hosting Karaoke next friday night at the bowling alley in Norco. I would absolutely love it if you guys can come down and have some fun with us.
Saturday night will be even better. I'll be hosting at another place that is often associated with Adult Friend Finder. It's just another regular bar but a great local hot spot.
Pass the word along and lets see how many people we can get to come out! You won't be disappointed! My show on the other hand may suck! LOL!
Hope you see you guys there. |
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I've noticed over the last few journal entries here that the system is screwing up my text. Spaces are not always showing up between sentences as they should.
Perhaps the person that approves this comment will pass that on so someone can check it out? |
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For a long time, many many years, I've always been capable of dealing with the weak minded. More and more over the last few weeks I am starting to discover that I am beginning to have a very low tolerance for these types of people. The one thing that I cannot stand is a bunch of excuses. There are no excuses for excuses. Granted, there are some reasons but there are certainly no excuses. An excuse is only bound by ones own inability to comprehend, act upon, or desire to do what needs to be done. A reason for it is more on a positive side. Although I see most things as an excuse, I can tell when it's sincere and just brought forth from total lack of concern or simply from being lazy.
I've always been a very level headed and understanding person. I have to wonder if this means that this burning hatred for such things means that I am longer that.
Most things with me are pretty cut and dry. Either you do, or you don't... or as I most commonly say, "It is what it is".
If you want to destroy your life and your friendships with lies and deciet, that is all on you. If you want to be weak minded and unable to control the things that you let control you, that again is on you.
It's one thing to be a submissive, but it's another to be submissive to ones own self.
So let the truth be known... my best friend is a complete waste of space. He uses religion to lift up his own spirits but while praising his God he completely disregards his own statements and the rules he claims to live by.
Instead of bitching any more about this here, I believe it's better to state the facts to him and be prepared to listen to his excuses, lies, and meaningless statements of defense. |
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Of course... I am inspired by you. You give me moments of clarity when my vision is clouded. You give me the drive to keep pushing myself.
I am a man with a lot to say although I feel that my audience won't really get what I say. What I am and who I am is still a mystery to all and even I am sometimes mystified by my own self illusions...
For you, I only want the best that you can have and to be the best that you can be.
I'm very tired. |
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What ever happened to brains, common sense, reading, and taking no for no? When I get bored, I like to read profiles and the forums here. I'm completely shocked that people seriously do not take the time to read what they write. I would love to quote several lines here but it would be easy to figure out who wrote it in the forums.
If you are going to write in the forums, in your journal, or in your profile you should do yourself (and everyone else) a favor and double check your work. Maybe you aren't sure how to spell things or perhaps you don't want to take the time to write whatever you want to say in MS Word and spell check it. In that case, do it the easy way. You can upgrade to Internet Explorer 7 that has a spell checker for form entry fields or download the Google Toolbar which also has a very easy to use spell checker.
I'm the last one to proclaim that I'm perfect. I readily admit that I screw up too but never as much as I have seen lately in the forums and profiles.
Now keep one more thing in mind... The vast majority, I'm talking 90% of the errors I find, are from Doms who claim they have higher educations. I just don't see how that's possible when you write like you just barely got out of 6th grade.
Let me also mention that you "Doms" also have trouble reading. When a profile says, "I'm not available", "not looking", "taken", on a submissive or slaves profile... that means, (let me make sure you can read this... it means, NOT INTERESTED IN YOU.
Seriously folks, it's getting bad here. Every time I turn around I either hear about it, or read about it. Don't mistake what I'm saying as an insult to ALL Doms. This only applies to the select majority on this website who apparently have the education level of a pre-teen and the reading ability of a first grader.
If a profile says someone is taken, there is no sense in sending them a message telling them to bow down to your whim and serve you. Nothing is more amusing, yet high disappointing at the same time, to the see these "Doms" completely acting in a way that goes against almost everything being a Dom stands for.
This tells me that these "Doms" are complete ignorant fuck-tards who are probably self proclaimed Doms in search for easy sex. Listen up you guys - if you can't read, write, and respect the person you are emailing then you obviously need to find some place else to go to get your rocks off. The subs and slaves are not as stupid or weak as you may think.
Alright, I'm done ranting for now but there will be more to come! This post, and much more will also be appearing on my website as well as my profile on MySpace. It's time that CM starts putting a stop to these people are constantly and consistently cause problems. It's very easy to script an option in the email system that allows someone to report the user emailing them. CM should also start recording IP addresses that are not available to the person who gets these emails but would be available to the admins if a complaint was registered about that user. Multiple complaints about that person should mean their account gets suspended while someone looks into it or suggests that the offensive emailer stop.
Pretty simple stuff people... think about it. The subs and slaves on this site are TIRED of these emails and I am willing to bet that the Doms in their life are as well.
CM has done a great job thus far and I hope they continue to do so. I believe that they must keep up with the times and even though the website is free, should provide these types of protective services. Recording the IP address will allow you to see if a person has multiple accounts that they could use to continue infringing on the rights of others here.
I've finished with my rant and now my suggestion. I wish everybody a good evening. |
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Man, what an excellent weekend! Santa Barbara is pretty nice so I'm glad I went afterall. It really did some good to get away and get back to having some focus instead of the way things have been. I'm looking forward to heading back up in a couple of weeks for more fun and excitement. If the weather is good, perhaps a nice quiet walk on the beach at night will be in play? Whaddya think? |
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Knowing yourself is all you really need. Having someone who accepts you for you is even better but lets face it, it doesn't always happen.
I've had to learn that knowing myself and trusting myself are two seperate things that operate very close together. Instead of fighting certain traits about yourself, you might as well accept them because ultimately, it is a part of you and these things just cannot be changed. You might be able to control them better once you do accept them.
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I have love, I have faith in my love, I have life, and I have everything I could ever need in ones eyes and heart. Nothing compares to this or what we have and nothing ever could. Try as you may to experience this deeper level. Others always want what someone else has but this, you cannot! It is taken, bonded, bound by eternity and there is no other place that I would rather be than where I'm at. This... it's perfection! This is the rest of my life. This is truth. This is our destiny! |
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You are only superior to others when they allow you to be. It's best to recognize this and not assume that you can just take control without that person giving it to you. Life is a choice so choose to recognize that you are weak until given the power to consume. It is, afterall, a gift so cherish it. |
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With each passing day, the fuel is poured on this fire. The flames get higher and higher until it's an inferno of firey strength and greater will. Burn with me, burn for me, burn because you want these flames, my flames. She will be consumed! |
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AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! |
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I need some help from everyone. I need to come up with a catchy acronym for a local group that I'm starting. If anybody has suggestions, you will get credit on the website when it's completed. |
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Alright, so I'm a bit frustrated and haven't really been around. There has been to much crap at work going on to focus on anything else. The biggest thing is that the company I work for got sold to our competition. They "swear" that things won't change but any time you have a take over like this there are always changes. It's almost like I'm having to re interview for my own job. It's stressfull beyond explanation. Who know if I'll have a job next week or not. I've given my life to this company and unfortunately, they don't seem to appreciate it. It's now more evident than ever that I need to finish up these online projects and start making some money from other sources more. I just need to keep it from keeping me completely proccupied. If anybody has dealt with similar situations, please... by all means let me know.
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I need a fuckin' massage! Who's Game?
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Look through my eyes and see the destruction of mankind. Look into my soul and realize the pain and fear you've hid from. Open your heart and trust in your safety.
Here are some very interesting words that came to me a moment ago. I needed a quick place to write them (or type) and I was already here so where better to put them? It was time for a journal entry anyway. =)
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It feels GOOD to be home from San Jose!! I loved the conference but missed being in my own bed! |
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I'm finally all moved in to my new place. I love Downtown Riverside. It's so unique over here. Everywhere you look there is a story to be told. The history over here is great and the stores are kick ass. Nothing special but it's still cool.
It's good to be all settled in with a big ass bed (finally) and close to all the places I really like. |
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Sleepless nights, wondering days, it's all a blur to me. Each day blurs and blends in to the next day, each nights shadows in the night fade into the next nights.
I wish I could sleep. I would I could be at peace. No matter how calm I am or relaxed... the only thing that puts me to sleep is shear exhaustion. |
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Last night was a blast. I enjoyed hanging out with my new friends and I'm stoked they came out to hang with me. Perhaps this could be a start of a new career in Hollywood myself. People come into our lives for a reason and I've always thought about going "Hollywood" based on suggestions from people that have been in my life for a long time but maybe this is that nudge that I needed. Hard to say and only time will tell I guess. I'm not looking to gain anything from it but if an opportunity does knock, I'm not one to let it keep knocking. I will answer the door with a smile. |
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SADNESS:
What is life without sadness? Happiness would get boring and you would have nothing to look forward to. Without sadness you wouldn't know that happiness is good. You would just "be".
I look for the day when I can set my mind at ease in knowing that I am really on the right path and that I'm guided and truly watched out for by those energies and spirits that we cannot see or touch. They certainly see and touch us in amazing ways. I know Mom has been there to help me out. I can't see her but I can feel her there. Thinking back, I have to give her credit and thanks for what she has helped me to overcome and accomplish. Thanks for the strength you give, Mom! |
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The Nipples have been pierced! Mark this as a momentus occasion is Kanes book of life. =) |
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Life is an impass. We sit or stand still though we strive to push further beyond our own limitations and borders yet we wait for a sign to know what's right. I guess we all do that in a way. Even the non believers of fate tend to have traits significant of fate. "All we are is dust in the wind" really rings true. When the wind blows which way will it blow us? |
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Sometimes even I amaze myself. It's just good to not have feel so stressed and worked up over every little thing because of the stress. I hate snapping! We are our own worst enemies. Good thing I gotta good team to help me fight that battle. |
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AMAZING! Tonights Gig went really well. I sang a couple of new songs and got great reviews. The most impressive song was Frank Sinatra - "My Way". I've never seen so many people go nuts over my show before. This was spectacular. I wil be doing that song again without a doubt. I know the song but for never signing it at all or even humming it out I rocked the Mic. I was told that I should definately keep that song ready at all times. I'm looking forward to recording my first CD. I'm waiting to get it scheduled because I need to make sure everything is in place. I'm laying down some tracks to the original Karaoke music which was produced by the actual artists but I'm also waiting to hear back from someone at the University who may be able to hook me up with a full orchastra from the Music Department. I'm not sure how far I'd trust this guys word but if it doesn't happen I do know plenty of other people who can check into it for me.
Other then all that, life is business as usual. I need to do some thinking and really decide what I want to do. Everything thing is the same but it's all so differant at the same time. I need to get out, spend some time away, do my own thing and not think or worry about other people. I think I might take my friend Brandy up on a few days hanging out at her place in Arizona. She'll be at work the majority of the time so I can just be to myself and see some other friends from High School that live out there should I want. She and I graduated together back in the early/mid 90's.
I hope all is well in your worlds and I wish you all the best of course. |
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What is love but a butterfly. It spreads it's wings and with each gentle caress of it's wings it glides. What is love but a tender, gentle breeze on a warmer summer evening. It's soft touch enamored only by the sharing of such a gift between lips of two with it's quickening love. Either way it takes flight. As the butterly brings itself into the air and escapes into the wind so does the kiss. They rise above all and deeply penetrate the boundaries of loves lifting spirit. How I love her you ask? Deeper then the depths of space. You ask how I adore and cherish that in which has come to be mine? I adore her more then any cheritible gift of generations that have been passed down more then a thousand years. Her kiss is the butterfly in the wind taking flight. Her love is more then the depths of space. Her love... my love... in one word... INFINATE ! |
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A momentus time for sure. It was so nice having my pet with me this weekend! I really missed her, A LOT! She came in on Thursday and lucky me took Friday off. I was happy to get time with her to ourselves before the weekend started. She couldn't help herself. My Birthday wasn't until Sunday but she just had to give me my presents then. A new Flogger!!! I love it! Lets not forget the hat that is me. A beautiful black fedora! She is the greatest. Maybe this is a start of her changing my mindset and attitude towards holidays and birthdays. We'll see! She totaly rawks! |
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"The most effective leader is the one who satisfies the psychological needs of his followers."
David Ogilvy |
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It's been a good weekend. I came up to my pets place for a change to stay the weekend. It's kind of nice being up in Beverly Hills. She gives one hell of a bath. It's nice to just be able to see her, hang out, relax, and other things. |
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Today was a good day for change. It's about time! I couldn't stand another day facing depression but I've noticed the last couple days it has eased up from the last couple months. I got a dollar raise today which surprised me. They rarely give out those kinds of raises. Apperantly I'm worth it. :D Damn right I'm worth it! They gave me better hours that started last week. No longer working the late shift which is cool! I go in from 7 to 4 now which makes the day FLY! I finally collared my sub over the weekend. Hopefully she appreciates that as much as I think she does... although she didn't seem very excited. |
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Closer and closer... people ask me how I'm doing and I can only respond with, "I'm fine", in a voice that seems to shout, "I'm not good at all!" How easily I'm read lately... how much more nervous and anxiatic I become. No, I'm not doing good at all. I don't want to see light... just leave me in the dark corner where I'm comfortably left to my own thoughts and surrender. Leave me to myself and my internal conflicts, leave me to defend myself, leave me to protect yourself from how I am as these days draw nearer. You don't need my unexplained wrath or my inevitable lack of emotional stability. Am I thinking about loss again these days? Yes! I've lost to much already and I have nothing but my life left. Take it from me please. Slice through the veins of my heart and soul and take all that is left of me so I no longer have to feel the sense of loss and pain that comes from my depresive states. Take it all... it's yours for I don't need it anymore. The world has taken all that I had and I can never acquire those priceless pieces again, so just go ahead and take what is left. |
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So the clock is ticking forward closer to the enevitible day that I'll have to face. In June it will have been one year since my Mom crossed over. I've been doing alright for the most part but yesterday driving home from work I saw someone with Moms hands and I paniced. My thoughts drifted back to a time when I was living in Alabama and Mom was out there visiting. She'd come walking over and wake me up. I remember her and my Grandma tricking me into thinking she wasn't coming and then to be waken with her knocking on my bedroom door a couple days later. I was out of bed in two seconds with my arms wrapped tightly around her. I didn't want to let her go and I shouldn't have. I'm not that same since Mom departed but I'm certainly not that much differant. I'm a little harder yet now capable of fully knowing true loss. Knowing true loss gives a greater sense of appreciation for what and who is in your life and I'm grateful to have my girl. The one major facet of stability and love in my life. I will not give her up, I will not let her go. Those who try will face a wrath from me and my family they do not want. After many days of thought and conversation we have decided to bring a third in. This is the perfect convergence for us. When the time is right and she's ready we both welcome her with open arms and will not be cared for any less, will not be treated any less, and will have the same protection from my family. |
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I feel better atleast. I have a little more energy and I'm not so sick. I did have another bout with dizziness a little while ago though. I'm all sick to my stomach from it. It's been a rough couple of days but things are starting to clear up and get better. Three long miserable weeks!?!?!Sometimes I feel like I have no say which isn't good for a Dom's ego. I understand though so I can deal for the most part. Everything little things - gunna be alright! Yeah it sucks... but hey, sometimes we gotta do what we don't wanna do. I would like even a night or two somewhere in between though if possible. Guess we'll see how it goes. Busy times are upon us. Stress hit an all time high. Nerves rocked my foundation. But - she's with me! Deep breath - let it out slowly - cope! Building a bridge isn't easy. But once it's complete you can finally pass over the rough waters below. |
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I am so sick right now! Can't sleep - Can't eat - can't think - last night wasn't any better either. Barely slept - still haven't eaten anything (to afraid to) - and my mind is in overdrive. I'm probably going to be leaving this site really soon to work on some things that need worked on; myself. This will be my last journal here for awhile. |
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Why do people insist on trying to get in between my girl and I? I love my girl very much, in more ways then most could ever comprehend! She is all that matters to me and I have my life set. She's the only one I want, the only one I need, the only one I desire and that is truly where my heart it. I have no time for anyone else. So to my Belou, I love you and I can't wait for us to be married!
I've given up on having friends since they always try to push themselves in between her and I. They are not friends... they are enemies and I don't want them in my life at all.
Please do not message me with, "I'm coming to see you soon" or "I'll treat you better then she does" or any of that crap! I don't need it, I don't want it, and it just erks me to no end.
I will have my girl Belou and that is all I have to say about it!!! It was a mistake putting my new pictures up here! I've been getting mailed like crazy since then with all sorts of. Many well wishes (which are appreciated) but many not. I have no interest in collaring anybody but my girl Belou and that's all I have to say about the subject! Please just stay away! That is my final request! |
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 I see my dear friend scorpioeyeskim is back online! I'm really happy to see her! Anybody that wants to get with her better be damn good! I will not tolerate any ill behavior towards her. She and I have been really for about 3 years now. She's one of my best friends in the world and I'm just happy to see her back home. She helped me out when I needed it I hope one day she'll take me up on my offer to get her ass out of Alabama so she'll have a chance at finding a true Dominant; not some player.
Here's to you kid! Another bottle of Mountain Dew, Crown Royal, and whatever else we used to drink at your house! Those were some damn fun times, man! I miss ya Kid!!! |
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So much has gone on in the last month it's been hard to keep up to date here. I keep writing mostly in my LiveJournal but I was just reminded of how I need to post here... after all I guess I do have to keep my fan base up to date with my life.
The job is going great! I'm fitting in quit nicely. It's a high stress job but I'm making the best of it. I get to atleast laugh at people with sexually connotative names like Dick Hammer and Pearl Wang. That cracks me up and keeps my tension down while dealing with people who shouldn't have a website let alone own a computer in the first place.
Things with my pet had been a little rocky but I'm happy to report that we have come together and gotten the issues dealt with. I couldn't be happier. I've focused to much on myself and stopped thinking about her and that is where things went wrong. My assumptions didn't help a thing either. My faith is now even stronger in us and we have made plans to bring an even stronger unity and bond. I look forward to that. I have a renewed sense of everything when it comes to her. There is no doubt in my mind anymore. Yes, I had faith but faith is questionable at certain times. It's not about faith anymore. It's about knowing that this is the way things will be and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that the person I have found will be the person I spend the rest of my life with.
I look forward to the days when I no longer have to wake up and she's not there. The Gods know how much I actually enjoy that. I find strength, love, and power in that. Never in my life was there a time that I felt so accomplished. I have never felt complete until she entered into my life either.
So here is to our future! It will be everything we expected and know it can be and more... |
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This is going to be a tough week for me. I'm finally going back to work after taking a year off. I'll have to retrain my sleep patterns, reorganize what I had for a life, and encorporate my pet into the mix. I will manage. I always do. This is surely going to be a good year! I need one after all the crap I've been through! UGH! It's about time things start looking up!
I've been getting rid of the things in my life that drain my power, my thoughts, and my energy and only hovering around those who increase it. I should have made those changes a long time ago but I'm always punishing myself. hahaha!
All I can say is good riddens, good luck, and good bye and say Welcome to all that is good, warm, and enlightened!
I enjoyed the last few days with my girl as I always do. She is so gentle. I gave her an opportunity to attempt to spank and flog me. All I could do was laugh before I got up and put her in my place. I wish she wouldn't be so timid about these things when I tell her to do it. She'll be working on that this week. It serves it's purpose! I must say, it was rather cute watching her make the attempt.
It just proves my point that once a relationship is established, you follow it and stick to the roles you play. It's funny any other way.
You tried baby girl, you didn't fail! You succeeded by giving it a shot.
I must go to bed now... big day tomorrow! Be well everyone! |
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Training Phineus in the lifestyle is going rather well. He has picked up everything I have thrown at him very quickly. There is no doubt that he is to become a great Dominant. I guess it runs in the family! hahaha |
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Close your eyes and relax pet. Sit back and enjoy your time alone. Tomorrow is a new day and you never know what it might hold for you.
Changes are in the wind... Can you feel it? |
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Wow, I have no idea how some people can come to the conclusion that I have switched to a submissive just by reading my journal. For one, you don't just switch! You are who you are and by no means does my journal even give off a tinge of an idea that I might be a submissive. I'm not putting that person down but seriously, take a good look again at it and tell me how you have come to this asinine conclusion. If you are merely trying to be supportive of a friend I can understand that but don't misinterpret the facts.
Besides my ranting, everything is great as expected. I am enjoying the time I have with my pet. Don't make me sick her on your punk asses. hahaha! Hopefully she and I will be heading up to the snow as we get closer to the weekend. Idyllwild, here we come! |
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My lovely Pet is easing more and more into our relationship. That is so good to see. It will take time for her as it will for me being that I haven't been involved in so long and for so many reasons. We have a huge head start and it's very good to have both our our heads in the same space and focus points. Is there more to come? Yes, MUCH more to come! My family enjoyed meeting her and all welcomed her in with warmth. Welcome to the family my love! |
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Another wonderful evening at Lair De Sade. I took my brother (Top in Training) to finally examine the scene in RL. He eyes roamed and I could completely tell he liked what there was to see.
I had the Wonderful Belou with me again and for that I am truly happy. She and I have really spun our path in a tightly wound ball of thread and I couldn't be any more happier at this moment. She is amazing and I am proud of her for being able to withstand the things I put her through. Each week we will explore a new role towards having the ultimately perfect D/s relationship. As she progresses, so do I. As I progress, so does she! It's a never ending circle of what will in fact be. No questions! Hell, there is no way to fight what is already in the stars. The cards have been drawn. We are just fortunate enough to know what they say.
Here is too a great life with my Belou! |
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What a way to ring in the New Year! Lair de Sade in Los Angeles. The place was fairly packed. Great people, great scenes but none better then my date and our scene together. I am so happy that she and I got to play a couple times. I was surprised to find that she enjoyed watching me play with someone else too. I could live in this moment forever but then I'd miss out on all sorts of new moments. Lets do it again sometime, shall we? |
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Happy New Year everyone! I hope you have your resolutions in order.
Let this new year be one of looking ahead and looking over the humps from the previous year. Let this year bring life to your hearts and love to your souls. Let this year be one of desire and getting what you want and what you know you deserve.
This year will be a year of new beginnings for me as I form new friendships and thoughts on life. This year will bring a change for me. Not letting the past bring me down, renewing my love of life, renewing myself. I actually do look forward for what is to come. |
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Well, here we are... smack dab on Christmas. I'm thinking about my Mom and feeling sad about her not being here with me on this plain. She is however with me on another and I can feel her love surrounding me. I'm not as alone as I thought. She is with me... in spirit, in memory, and in my heart.
Merry Christmas to some of you, Happy Solstice to the rest... one in particular. My love goes out to you all. |
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It's good to have friends. Close friends that truly know how appreciated and cared for they are as I feel when it comes to their care and concern of me. You guys know who you are. Thank you all for being there for me and checking up on me when you do.
To another very special angel, you have been an encouragement for me to keep pushing forward. Your words and spirit have been uplifting.
I look forward to what is to come. |
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Mom has come to me in my dreams more then once now. Since then I have been feeling so much better about everything including my own life. I have gained some acceptance to my loss and also accepted the fact that I'm going to mourn for a long time to come but it will be in my own way, in my own time.
I'm happy that I did get my wish though. I felt her arms around me again and heard her speak to me. She told me that everything is going to be alright and she is fine. That happend more then once for me. |
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Tomorrow is Moms birthday. What should I do to handle this? I don't think I'm going to be highly effected by it. It's just a day that I would call her and say Happy Birthday, I love you. I don't know how it will be. I guess I'll know tomorrow. |
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December 1st, the day I decided I was finally going to go through with my desire to quit smoking. So far so good. I cut WAY back the first couple of days and so far today I haven't had one. I had to kill the urge so I did smoke a nice cigar. It helped out a bit when the urge was at the highest point. Now someone in the house just lit up and I think I'm going to go get one from them. I'll smoke half of it and save the rest of it for later when the urge gets to be way to much for me again. Wish me luck!!! |
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I awoke yesterday morning with tears running down my face. She finally came to see me. When I opened my eyes I could still feel her arms holding me close, her kiss on my cheek, and her words of comfort telling me she is alright and she loves me. I love you too Mom and I really miss you! |
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I said what I needed to say. I feel so much better now. My worries are pretty much set aside. Now I can get some real thinking done without other thoughts getting in the way. |
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Where am I? What am I doing here? What direction am I heading? As I continue to get older I continue pondering life and how it relates to me. Is life really worth living? The world is going to end, we are all going to die, so why try to make something out of life that isn't going to matter. Everything you have in your life won't be yours. Everything you think you are or fought hard to be won't matter either. So what is the point? Isn't the meaning of life to just be happy with whatever you have? I have no need for a million dollars. I'm still going to die so why should I try to get rich? Shouldn't I just strive for happiness? Oh happiness... most of you already know where I stand on that note. I'm not depressed, just sort of in between happiness and depression. Since June, my life has been turned upside down and shaken a considerable amount. There is a treasure of fortune within us all. It's just up to us as individuals to find out what it is and live it. Here's to another day!!! |
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How hurridly the holidays approach. I'm not looking forward to this at all. I have never really celebrated but I always made it a point to call my Mom who also didn't celebrate but for an entirely differant reason.
Thanksgiving... I pondered the concept of Thanksgiving this week and what I am thankful for. Well, I don't need one day in the year to establish what I'm thankful for.
I'm thankful for the friends that I have. I'm thankful for 2 of the 4 brothers I have and none of my sisters. Okay so this is turning into what I'm not thankful for.
I'm not thankful that Mom is no longer with me in a physical state. I'm not thankful for 2 brothers and 2 sisters. I'm not thankful that I'm still in this world. That is a bit harsh but that's just how I feel right now.
What I am thankful for is... hmmmm... some things come to mind but they are obvious. Like I already said, I'm thankful for friends. I'm thankful for those individuals who have stopped to send well wishes for my pain though that is not why I write it is still good to hear. Maybe I should be thankful to you for reading this journal. |
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I still have guilt for not staying more then 3 minutes at Moms grave. I just wish it was easier for me to handle. Perhaps if I wasn't so close to her it would be easy. That wasn't the case and it is extremely hard. I need to play so I can get all this emotion out of me. I'm sure it would help! Any available subs or slaves out there who want to assist with this task? |
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I can't handle anymore tonight! I'm drained so maybe I can finally sleep! At least I was able to smile for an hour this evening. That has to count for something, right? Thank you for making me smile! |
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I did something today. In all my life it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I was town so I drove to my Moms resting place. It was the most intense moment and I couldn't handle it. I stayed no more then 3 minutes before I left. Maybe I should have stayed but it hurt way to much. I'm a pile of goo tonight. |
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I close my eyes and see her eyes gazing at me and with a smile on her face. Almost as if she is saying, "I'm here, you will be just fine!" It offers little comfort but the little that exists does offer some relief from this battle that is my new life. I fully expect to always feel this way. When you lose a parent, the one you are closer to you never are the same. It's like a candle without the fire gleaming and shining bright your path. It's like a sail boat without wind and even harder, a world without love. No, I will never be the same! |
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Some Dom I am eh? I miss my Mom dearly! I try to make myself believe that I'm okay now. With each passing day I find it harder to control. I'm probably going to lose it when I got to her grave for the first time since I burried her. It's to hard to do it. Yeah, I guess I'm scared. I think it's mostly fear of how I'm going to react at that moment. I honestly don't think I can handle it but I need to go. Not need as in want but need as in neccesity. Maybe that will help me deal with this tragic loss in my life. Facing it head on. I'm still lost. |
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Mentally hopeful, faithfully declined. |
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It's been a couple of weeks since I've written. I guess time really does fly but the only part that isn't true is the fun part. No, I haven't been having fun. Life just carries you that way sometimes. What do you do though? You just have to go on an accept the changes and problems that occur in ones daily life. I decided that it was time to get away so I have been gone for a week. Staying at some old friends house enjoying a week away from the typical runabout which I call my own life. Oddly, strange things happend here. Nothing I'm going to share with you all here though. Sorry... I just can't do it. It's a little to personal to share. I've made some realizations though. I'm never going to have satisfaction, there will always be some kind of drama in my life, and life is what we make of it. If only that last statement was true! Thus is life! |
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I'm suddenly struck with one of Murphys Laws. "What can go wrong, Will!" This seems to be the basis of my life these days. I start getting sick on Monday so come Tuesday morning my sinuses have gone on vacation. Tuesday afternoon I fall 4.5 feet onto a 2 inch rafter and hurt myself pretty bad. My ribs are most likely fractured. The chiropractor checked them out for me but couldn't really determine if they were fractured or not. The way they feel today says they most certainly are. I can hardly move about without being in pain. Since I have a bad cold/flu whatever I can't cough without being in pain. I can't do anything without the pain. Yet another day in my life... I just can't seem to catch a break. |
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ahhh... another day, another way, and more destructive thoughts plague me. My mind is filled with many thoughts and ideas. None of which settle my angst and anxiety within my life. None of it helps ease my mind one bit. What's left for this Master to do? What's left of my dreams and goals? They are all just ashes that have been burnt and most still simmering in the destruction that comes my way. If only I could tame this inner beast. Then what was once a pile of ash might someday regrow into beauty. It has to start again somewhere, right? |
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Life! What is it? What does it constitute? Life is what burns and drives us on the inside. Life is why we are alive. This being the case, why do I feel so dead? Why are the walls of my life caving in and I'm not able to crawl out?
Some days I wish I was on the recieving end of a bullet but that would be suicide. Suicide doesn't always come from one taking their own life. It can come from the willingness to die, the willingness to stand in front of that gun knowing exactly what is going to happen to you. It's knowing that you are going to walk into a place or walk into a person with the knowledge that your life will be taken.
I hate the strength of my mind and the weekness of my strength.
CALGON! TAKE ME AWAY!!!
I want nothing more than to put my arms around my Mother once more, to be a child in her arms again! To feel that comfort would be a blessing that no man or woman alike could ever understand. Empathy is all they have. Sympathy is not needed nor desired. Don't feel bad for me. Don't say, "I want to just make his pain go away!".
If life is a bowl of cherries, why must I always get the pits?
Will I ever be free of my thoughts and pain? Will it ever subside inside of me to a point that I can look forward to a new day? I can only hope but I don't see that day coming any time soon.
It's still to dark in my life. I think I need to be medicated again. What I wouldn't give to have just one day of complete happiness. What am I thinking? It's not possible in my life and if it was it certainly wouldn't last. |
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What is this feeling burning inside of me? Is it possible that what I used to feel could actually be changed?
I need this... I want this... I feel and desire this... She is my strength and my weakness all rolled up into one! |
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Oh the dreams... not the dreams of ones sleep but of waking hours. How the thoughts I have can consume so much of me is beyond me. I can't stopping thinking, grinning, and hoping... dreaming of that day to come. How will it be, what events will be played out, what pure unadulterated emotion will come of it? How will I react and feel? What role will my ever changing self take in the heat of the moment? Will I have a gentle hand or will the fire of who I am be present before us as our eyes make contact? I yearn for that moment. The moment in which two souls and two hearts following the same path of life (though one Dominant and one submissive) enter into the same circle. What will come of that day and of that moment?
I know that it will be a day that I celebrate and hold tightly in my arms. This is the day that she truly becomes mine! |
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I can't believe how bad I am at grammer when I'm upset. Reading over my journals have made me cringe. I think I will have to edit them in some way so they atleast don't sound as though they are coming from an uneducated dumbass. LOL!
Everything seems to slowly be getting back in place for me now. I had a strange weekend that I'm still very much thinking about. Some of my family got together and split up my Moms personal items. It felt so wrong to be doing this and it was hard to. I didn't want to step away from it and miss things that my Mom loved out of her personal items. I wanted some items and walking away because of those feelings would have left me with nothing. Granted, the memories I have of my dear mother will and always will be all that I need, I still wanted something to share and say, "That was my Moms and I have it!"
One day I will be okay. I will never be 100 percent myself again but atleast I am on the road to recovery. I know that my mom will forever be with me and that she is never truly gone. She will always be by my side by always being in my heart. |
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The thoughts of losing my Mom have really set in. It's so hard to believe that I will never see her again. She was my best friend... my entire life was based on my Mom and how much I cared and loved her. Mom knew of my lifestyle and we shared many laughs over certain aspects of it. She respected my decisions always. 28 years is to short a time to know her. I deserved more time with her. I needed more time with her. I'm completely lost and so broken apart without her being here for me to talk to. Sadly, it's hard to also realize that there will be nobody that can take the place of my Mom.
I hope that some day she and I will meet again. Maybe it will be on another plain of existance... maybe it will be in spiritual energy form. Who knows how it's going to happen. I just look forward to that day when we can share a hug and a smile together again. That will be the day I can smile again knowing that my life is complete having my best friend near me again.
Till then I will just have to deal with the depression it's caused. I'll have to deal with this loss that has taken my spirit away. God Bless you Mom! I know your watching over me!
I have so much guilt because near the end I was so afraid to call her. Scared to see her but needing to fly home to be with her. I keep hearing her words from the past in my head. Talk to you father and try to make up with him. Please try to get along with your family... they need you. What stands out most is when she would say she is proud of me for how strong I am and how much she loves me!
There will never be another woman as strong as she. |
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I just added some additonal pictures to my profile. The last picture is the most recently taken after my Mothers funeral. The person in this pic is my brother and is not in the lifestyle.  |
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I just added some additonal pictures to my profile. The last picture is the most recently taken after my Mothers funeral. The person in this pic is my brother and is not in the lifestyle. |
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It's been some time since I've been around. Sometimes I wonder what the point of it all really is. Two major losses in my life have occured in the last 30 days that have had my mind swimming in thoughts and depression. There has been one person that has helped me through it. To you dear sweet one, I thank you! I'm starting to feel like I can restart myself now. She has been a major leaning post for me. If she is this strong and able to deal with me through this, I believe she and I will have a great relationship together. How unfortunate it is that I am unable to see her face to face. Maybe what makes this so seemingly special is the mystery of the unknown.
I am able to rest better at night because of her. I desire to have, to own, and to play with her. She brought back my desire as I was just about to give it all up and forget about this lifestyle that I love so much. Could this be the start of something great? No, fantastic would be a better word. It's real for a change. I true sub is what I see in her and a true sub is all I truly desire. I hope this turns out to be just what I think it is and can be.
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So here we are... I feel at home on collarme.com. Today I must depart you all for A short while. I have to go up to the High Desert (Yucca Valley) and spend some time with family. I would rather be here... with people of like mind... but alas, that cannot be at this time. Till I return, enjoy each day as a brand new time in your life. |
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I just added some additonal pictures to my profile. The last picture is the most recently taken after my Mothers funeral. The person in this pic is my brother and is not in the lifestyle. |
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