I probably won't be checking in to read mail or write journal entries for a while.  It will take time to settle into new office and home spaces, my work schedule is ever shifting, and I'm spending as much time as possible with my chosen man, the lucky one, the best of the best.

I knew I would eventually connect with someone, and that he was going to be wonderful, since I had so many worthy people interested in me.  And I was right -- but even so, this one just keeps surprising me and exceeding my expectations.  Not an easy thing to do!  I feel, as much as he does, that I am the lucky one.  It's a nice place to be.

I'm truly grateful for the lovely submissive-male attention I've received here in the last year.  I'm also grateful for friendships formed.  I think a few of them will be on my radar for a long time to come.
------------------------

Just a check in to say that I am wildly happy with the partner who found me on CM.

My friendship with bbenn (previous partner, also found me here) continues as well.

There are a few other submissive men from CM with whom I chat periodically.

All bring their little bits of joy to my life.

Most of all, my darling who kneels, my special one, he who serves all my needs and satisfies all my desires.  Two people rarely match in this world the way he matches with me.

Life is hectic, work and family make every day full.  Still he finds ways to create memories, times to experience decadent pleasures.

I'm grateful for this forum, for allowing me to connect with such wonderful people.

~~QS

My new man is all I was hoping for.  In fact, he is MORE than I was hoping for.

Even with the hoards of very sweet, sexy, devoted submissive men who have written me here over the years, somehow I am still astounded to find someone who is all that, and yet enjoys being cruelly restrained, teased, caged, spanked.  Enjoys having every ounce of his choice, voice, and power taken away.  ENJOYS serving and waiting on me with 100% of his care and attention.

Yes, yes, I know lots of you exist.  Rationally I know that.  But I'm still floored to experience it.  To have it offered, and look deeper, and find that submission is at the core of who the person is, in the same way that dominance is central to how I love a man.  The yin to my yang!  It's real.

I've had it before, but I have to admit, this one is better, FAR better, in so many ways.  He's the best of everyone I've known, rolled into one, yet he's unique and has talents and charms and desires none of the others have had.  He's a challenge to my dominating urges, because I know this one can and will push my limits.

In several ways, he already has.  In several wonderful, beautiful, overwhelming ways.  I feel I have met my match, my equal.  That I can grow with him.

How could I be so lucky?

This weekend will be the anniversary of our first date.  I was not sure about him at first.  He didn't follow all my rules.  He sent me a picture unsolicited!  He didn't come across as all that submissive in our first few meetings.  But he grew on me.  There was something about him that I liked and trusted.

There was plenty about him that was attractive, but attractive men are not hard to find.  I met a dozen or so last year.  With this one I gradually learned there was something more, a sweet and sexy manner that never tipped into creepiness, an intellectual side that he expressed with confidence, a sense of humor that could power through anything.

There was an alpha-maleness in the particular flavor that turns me on: almost too bold and forceful at times, well nigh asking for a reprimand.  At the same time, a gentle dedication not just to me, but to other things in his life.  He brought me unexpected gifts.  He wrote and spoke freely and honestly, including writing me poetry.  He was trusting.  When situations called for apologies, he stepped up to the plate.  He had unstoppable enthusiasm, passion, intensity.  He had optimism, a positive vision of most everything.  He was romantic, tender, and thorough as a submissive lover. This was a man who really understood the meaning of worship.

I'm not ready to share details yet, but some of our deviant fun has included four different chastity devices, several homemade and diabolically effective pieces of bondage furniture, attending a BDSM workshop together, and mountains of ropes.  Brutey things, handcuffs, chains, keysafes, locking devices.  Hoods, mitts, breath play.  And yet, still so much untried and unexplored that there just hasn't been time for.

I'm happy to report, that even in middle age, with two careers and family life to juggle, that a loving, satisfying D/s partnership can happen.  As far as I'm concerned, I am done, I have all I need, the future looks promising and I can't imagine being happier.

Except that we're not together full time.  But I think by summer next year, we will be.  It's good to have things move slowly.

A very love-struck,

~~QS

This was my main profile text until May, 2013:

What will be, will be.  

I'm inspired by some of the profiles I see here, to update my own.  I rarely look at women's profiles, so the inspirational ones to which I refer belong to submissive men.  Thanks, guys!  It's time to update anyway, as my most recent long term relationship is that much further in the past, and in meeting and chatting with new potential partners for the last six months, I've continued to develop an idea of what I'm looking for.

I'm not a traditional dominant woman (so I am told), and so this is not a traditional profile.  If you want a more stereotypical, leather clad, whip-wielding, trash talking, tribute-demanding, untouchable ice-queen Goddess, please move along.  Things will go so much faster for both of us if you do.

What do I have to offer a submissive man?

Hey, wait a minute. Isn't this supposed to be all about MY needs and MY wants?  Well, of course it is.  But we'll get to that in due course.  I thought you might like to know what I'm all about besides the legs you haven't stopped looking at.  I'm a terrific package, if I do say so.  I work for myself and have a job that brings me utter fulfillment and joy (and a decent income); life has brought me a variety of experiences, hobbies, and interests that allow me to converse on almost any topic intelligently; and I enjoy good relationships with everyone in my world.  I'm not religious, not particularly political, and keep my kinks and my sexuality private.  Men tend to use words like "cute," "gracile," and "charming" to describe me.  When I'm in the vanilla world.  But that's not why you are here, is it?

I've been spanking and tying up guys ever since my first middle school crush, and have daydreamed about sexual domination almost as far back as I can remember.  I tend to move from one LTR to another, so I really have not had that many partners.  Over the years I have fantasized about almost everything, tried a great deal, and continually seem to develop new kink interests.  I've never had a vanilla relationship, and I don't think my brain is capable of separating sexual arousal from domination.  I can't have one without the other.  To me, domination is not a way of getting a man to behave or to give me things.  It is a way -- the only way for me -- to reach full sexual and emotional satisfaction.  It's simply the way I'm wired, and although I didn't choose it, I embrace it.  I don't want a submissive man because he's going to follow my directions, call me superior, or worship me.  I want a submissive man because that's the only kind I dig.  Male submission gets me hot.

I think I've been on Collarme now long enough for my profiles to be considered historical documents.  I discovered the online world of BDSM late in my experience, halfway through my previous marriage, maybe around 2000, finding this site a few years later (yes, I'm slow!).  Under a previous user name, I spent a lot of time connecting with other dominant women and finding ones with similar attitudes and experiences to my own.  It was validating to see others in successful D/s relationships, which at the time, I was too.  I still follow femdom blogs as time allows.  When my marriage ended, I'd made a handful of friends here (and on other BDSM sites, like FetishLore -- now defunct), and knowing my way around, quickly (as QueSera) found a new and wonderful LTR.  Alas, now six years on, we have parted ways although we remain friends.

What am I looking for?

Three words: Wealthy Male Model.  Hah -- no, honestly my expectations are more realistic than that.  I have had enough relationships to work out what the deal breakers are, versus the workable idiosyncrasies.  First off, I am only interested in single men, for a long term monogamous relationship.  I want one person with whom to fall in love, and share mutual devotion, core values, and everyday experiences.  I have a lower age limit of around late 30s, and no upper limit as of yet, although I would still like to have a family, which means most older men -- who are either done parenting or not interested -- will take themselves off the list.

I want to be courted and impressed.  There's a lot of competition out there, so show me your best side.  I have to click with you -- the ubiquitous 'chemistry'.  But for me, chemistry is much more about conversation, humor, and intelligence than what you look like or how many kinks you have.  That's why I do not want to see your picture, or even your profile, right away.  Attraction is a subtle and unpredictable thing.  It takes a while to rule in or out sometimes.  If it's not there, I'll let you know. 

If we're just getting to know each other, conversations and dating activities will stay mostly in the vanilla realm.  For anything more serious, I have rules I expect a partner to follow.  You'll learn these if you end up with me.  Rules let you to know my expectations, but my aim is not to criticize or hold anyone to impossible standards.  Even as your 'Domme,' I'm an equal, not a superior.  I will cherish, respect, and even defer to you.  It's your submissive nature and adoration that will compel you to follow my rules, not threats or promises from me.  My sexuality is dominant, but my personality is kind and compassionate.  I do not train or punish.  I guide and educate with love.  I also learn from my mistakes.

I've loved (and dominated) a variety of men, from Adonis lookalikes and ruggedly handsome Marlboro types, to those who are merely button-cute, to straight-up ordinary looking frumpy or nerdy guys.  Tall or short, pale or dark, thin or padded, well hung or mouse size (yes, I said that!) -- barring slovenliness or obesity, it can all work for me.  I tend to adore men in general, and submissive men in particular.  Why wouldn't I?  They make my world spin.  So don't worry so much about what you look like.  Worry about how you communicate.

Am I looking for scene play while I wait for Mr. Perfect Submissive?  Online slaves?  Long distance flirting?  In a word -- No.

I have submissive companionship, and I know how to be happy alone as well.  Scene play is actually pretty serious stuff, emotionally.  I'm not here to provide masturbation fodder though chat or email.  Long distance flirting is a dead end.  No, this is about love and caring to me, not anonymous exchanges.  I want to get to know interesting submissive men who meet my criteria.  That means chatting, talking, and meeting.  I need to know someone, care about him, and trust him before getting out the ropes and paddle and/or performing the stealth mindfuck.

Anyone who wants to message me, please put the number 28 in the first line of your message.  And remember -- no pictures, no contact information.  Risk more than a sentence or two, or what will I have to respond to?  I read messages that have my code, but almost never click through to view profiles, and I often don't reply to anyone right away.  It's matter of time management, not necessarily lack of interest.  And it's partly because I don't want to be influenced by a photo (good or bad) or an 'activities' list until I've decided I like how you converse.  If you want serious consideration, be prepared to meet in person when I request it.

I've updated my age ... alas, another birthday has ticked by.

I've also put a banner on my main profile that says I'm no longer seeking.  I may fill in details later, but if you look back a few entries ... that guy I called persistent?  My favorite de-stresser?

Well, he's grown on me.  Enough to forego all other looking and call the search over.

There were, and are, so many amazing, wonderful submissive men I have met here, some in person, some only online, that I very likely could have been tremendously happy with.

This one just happened to have all the right mix, and be nearby, and available, and did I say,  persistent?

2013 -- age 44 -- is going to be a year of transitions, new things, love, adventure.  I'm moving my business this month, and moving residence next month (not in with new guy, just myself -- a planned move).  Work is ever-changing, and in a very busy phase as well.  Trying to fit in time with the one who kneels for me only, time for work and moving and family and individual pursuits.

I'm feeling excited and grounded and secure and lucky.

My gratitude as always to everyone who has written me in the last month, and a special thanks to  friends.  Keep in touch.

~~QS

I had a wonderful talk with one of my favorite submissive friends today, one of my longtime online buddies, a man whom I've never met but probably will someday, one of my go-to people for connection and discussion.  My Georgia peach, my Fetishlore friend from way back.

I woke this morning to a sweet, thoughtful greeting, and a link to this article, which I found filled with many truths.  "Guys need to read this!" he said.  I think he is right, so here you go, guys:

http://www.esquire.com/features/hotwoman0507

It's a vanilla perspective, but I think it all fits here.  It's about the experience of being an attractive woman replying to men's inquiries on an internet dating site.

I feel the responsibility this author talks about.  Sure, lots of men are flakes or inept or even rude.  But many -- at least half here who write to me, to cite a small sample that likely wouldn't pass muster for a research paper -- are what this author calls the "tragically vulnerable."

They just don't know how to manage getting noticed by a beautiful woman.

I had a guy write to me the other day here.  Excellent, wonderful introductory letter.  Hit some of my favorite tickle spots.  Really a standout.  I had about six messages to read, and was at the office after a long day, trying to transition from the problem-solver-professional mindset to the go-home-and-cook mindset.  The message made me smile, even remark to myself out loud.  I lingered on it.  Then went on to the others, which were more typical, mundane.

About nine hours later, he writes again: "Damn, I have never put that much effort into a first contact note before.  i was SURE it would spark at least a viewing of my profile!"

This is the tragic vulnerability.  I'm quite certain this man has a secure ego, knows his value, and deep down was fully expecting a reply, and a good one at that.  But he still was worked up enough to need to write again that soon.  To beg for notice.

It totally spoiled the reply he would have eventually gotten from me.

I got the sense that by not viewing his profile or writing back immediately, I had already not met his expectations.  I felt a tug to soothe his misguided concerns about getting lost in the sea of others.  I felt bad about my policy of not viewing profiles until I decide I like how a person converses (going to make a note of that in my main profile text).  About my rule to not be swayed by the look of a photo -- good or bad -- or an interest list.  He didn't understand that it was not a lack of spark that delayed my response for a whole nine hours.

He's the most recent, but nowhere near the only man who's gotten off to a bad start this way.  By making a backhanded demand, albeit oblivious he was doing so.  By -- gasp! -- nagging.

Of course, I did reply.  His initial message was incredibly-crafted, well-meaning and emotionally genuine, and deserved a response.  He said he had not put that much effort into a introductory message before, but I wonder how many of his messages in a row had lately been ignored.  They all take some effort.  And I could not imagine this guy cutting and pasting any canned text.

But alas, my reply had to address the problem.  As nicely as I could, I conveyed that I felt a bit put-upon by his second note, that his first had been awesome, and that he maybe missed the part of my profile about not having a lot of time to write back to people.  In return I received what I know was a painful, "i'm sorry."

Then ensued a lighter hearted, but still somewhat awkward exchange about weather, and I ended up writing him a very open, long message about my impression of him and also his chances with me (non-zero, but not high on the probability scale considering the long distance).

I never know where a friendship is going to come from.  And I never know what a friendship may develop into.  For men, the risk is high and the stakes may also be high when forging a connection with a beautiful woman who seems out of reach.  The vulnerability is the willingness to receive the sting of rejection or being ignored.  The tragedy is the distressing, often downright physical experience of loss of something that was never there to begin with, but was nevertheless fully felt in the imagination.

It's that non-zero chance that keeps men taking risks.  I understand.  Admittedly, I'm all about getting turned on by men risking, by their vulnerability and suffering, so I can't say I wish all that never happened.  The men I have become attached to this past year all took those risks.  They all started with message banter of various kinds, and straight up declarations (usually by me) of incompatibility.  I never intentionally played with anyone's insecurities, but when I saw signs I felt it rock me, in more places than one.  And here I am, attached to those guys.  Giving them my attention, my affection, my love in some way.  I would bet you money those in the top tier will all be in my life for a long time.  

Nor am I finished acquiring submissive male friends.  Is there such a thing as too many doting, sexually likeminded admirers?

At the same time, many more hopefuls fell off the radar, or never got momentum.  Sometimes initial awkwardness cannot be overcome, sometimes silence gets too much of a foothold, sometimes there's a creepiness or desperation factor that is impossible to mask, and sometimes there just isn't chemistry.  I can't be attracted to everyone.  Time is a huge factor.  And occasionally, men find I'm not their cup of tea after all.  The best for many is a friendship that grows with the speed of a sliding tectonic plate, or that moves through a happy arc and into a graceful fade.

I appreciate all of you who write, who follow my rules -- code number, no picture, no contact information, and please, risk more than a sentence or two.  The random compliments or feelings of hope you got from my profile always warm my heart, always.  If I don't reply, or don't click through to your profile, it's not necessarily a lack of interest.  You might be surprised with a reply weeks later.  Or you might recognize yourself in a journal entry down the line.  You do have an influence, and I do feel a responsibility.  My guess is that many women -- women who are honestly good people and honestly looking for you -- feel the same.

~~QS

Thank you to everyone who has been writing to me.  Yes, everyone, even those I've lately yelled at.  I'm forever amazed at the kindness I get here.  Which had me thinking today.

One of my favorite femdom bloggers is Elizabeth, E for Eclectic.  It's not just that we shared a major thing for Christopher Meloni back in the day, nor even the whole spanking fetish. It's her fine, sane attitude toward my favorite subject, submissive men.  And men in general.

I am reposting here one of my favorite of her blog entries, from some time back.  But this kind of man-worship never goes out of style.

Quote:

There's one major theme that runs through a goodly chunk of letters (and cards) from male (and female) correspondents. They'll say this that and the other thing, and then they'll say, "I have to tell you, what really surprises me and what I really like is, um, you like men."

Damn. Imagine that. A 100% heterosexual woman, who chased her first boy to kiss at age 5 (nailed him too), dated them, went to prom with them (met them in the woods for necking, okay, just one bad boy who was really special and hot) who has spent her entire life in the company of those wonderful creatures of maleness -- imagine she really, truly, unabashedly just adores the opposite sex.

It's like, I don't know, we were made for each other or something.

I'll leave the whys and wherefores of how the dom woman image got so f'd up as to make it a shocking surprise that I am a dom woman type and I like men, I'll leave that to Bitchy

. Me, my job is to just adore.

And I do. I notice all kinds of tiny things, like they way they have to be seated, in a restaurant, facing the door. If you really want to screw with a man's brain, take the seat facing the door so he has to spend the entire meal with his back to the door, checking over his shoulder, I don't know, every 11 seconds, to make sure that he and his companion are not set upon by wild marauders.

(You would think that since I occasionally like my men off balance, I'd take the opportunity to grab that chair, but you're wrong. I like them too much, and it feels good to know that I won't be set upon by wild marauders as long as the guy is on the job.)

Here's another thing I really like about men -- the way they handle money. Men are so casual about it. They have their folding money, usually carefully organized by denomination, but then oh so casually stored wherever, and slipped out to pay a check. They are slick, and again casual, when folding a bill to tip a bellman or to get ahead in some kind of line. No production.

(The typical woman trying to tip, lord god, by the time we've dug into the bottom of our pocketbooks, through the lipsticks and tampons and used Kleenex, shuffled down to see what we can find, we've made a spectacle of ourselves...... we can do better, women, we can do better. I practice. I'm not there yet, but I practice.)

And in a bar. They are at their best in a bar. Throw a $20 in the well to pay for drinks, mentally calculating what is due but not letting on. And they don't take the money back, as long as they are sitting at the bar, they let it ride there. They get an eye contact vibe going on with the bartender, make sure he or she is well tipped the first round, so the service is good for the rest of the night.

Oh, and meetings. I love watching confident men in stuffy corporate type meetings. The body language is to die for. They sit expansively (as if they aren't big enough already), just expansively, with legs spread open and arms spread wide (hey, that description alone is making me hot), just filling as much air space as they possibly can, Alpha Male-ing it to the hilt. Put three of those masculine male types in row, and they look like the defensive line for the Green Bay Packers. They just puff up. It's so sweet.

It's not that no woman has any of the above tricks in her repertoire, it's just the men seem to do it more naturally, as a gender, and looking so fucking handsome while they do.

I revel in maleness, in male power, in masculinity, in all of the little things that come together to make a man a manly man. I want to lay every single scrap of their maleness out on the ground and just roll around in it for hours.

And then I want them to let me spank them. Hard.

----- (end quote)

In other news, I'm now focused on one lucky, lovely suitor, the persistent one, the de-stresser.  There's a hard spanking in his future.  And plenty of worship, as long as he's on his knees.  Or locked in some way.  Or else being all expansive-y masculine hot.

~~QS

I'm returning messages this morning, and wanted to share this reply.  Why do so many people not use my code, or attach pictures?  Never mind, I can think of the answers myself.

Thank you to all who have written me.  Such nice messages in the last month.  I appreciate the concern from those who know I have family in Newtown -- everyone is coping pretty well under the circumstances.  (None of my family or friends were directly affected.  My heartfelt empathy to anyone reading who has ties there.)

Best wishes to you all in the new year.  Bravely onward! :)

Here is the reply:

Hello [name],

You didn't use my code when writing, but I thought I'd help you with the confusion about female supremacy.  (Your "OMG too funny" confusion.)

It is absolutely coherent for a woman to be dominant, and yet not a proponent of female supremacy.  I am guessing that you did not scroll way, way down to the early pages of my profile, where I talk about this some.

Female supremacy is the notion that women are inherently superior to men.  All women, to all men.  A general axiom.  This is clearly wrong.  In the same way that any kind of supremacy is wrong, be it racial supremacy, orientation supremacy, national supremacy, et cetera.  Human beings come in all permutations, and we all all worse and simultaneously better than various others around us, in different ways. 

I am probably superior to you in some ways, as you are probably superior to me in others.  That has nothing to do with the fact that I am dominant -- that I get sexual and emotional fulfillment from creating a dynamic between us (with your agreement) in which I am the leader and you the follower, I am on the pedestal and you serve me.  I cause erotic pain or discomfort, and you suffer it; I control what happens, and you are made helpless.

This arrangement doesn't preclude mutual adoration, respect, and desire.  It doesn't preclude each of us getting our physical, mental, and emotional needs met.  If it's me, this arrangement only enhances all of that.  If it's a man whose inner being craves submission, it only enhances those things for him, too.  He need not believe that women are superior to men.

In fact, such a belief could be damaging.  There's more to say here, but I'll leave it for now.

Hope that helps.

Best in the new year,

~~QS

This morning, I composed this huge, rambling response to some innocent guy and then completely chickened out on sending it to him.  Geez, that was dominant, hah!  Anyway, I've written long tomes to people before and overwhelmed them.  So I'm hesitant anymore.

[For those of you who have overwhelmed me with your long messages, I understand, I am guilty of that too sometimes.]

By the time I came to the end, I'd already decided it would be better as a journal entry.  So here it is.

In more general news, I am super busy with work (am I ever not? Hmm).  I have enjoyed meeting a number of new people this past month, but nobody that had staying power.  I still have a couple of companions that are current favorites for what you might call "time-wasting" when I don't have the stomach for new dates -- alas, neither is long term compatible.

For those readers that are disappointed with the lack of sexual content in my journal, I've been thinking about plastic wrap.  Not for the face (as I have other preferred ways of restricting breathing!) but for the body.  Safe, snug, secure restriction.  Total helplessness.  Gag and blindfold optional.  Exposure of body parts for use, abuse, and/or teasing.  A thin layer of protection from impact, which allows me to feel comfortable being a bit harsher than I otherwise might.  Or using something that I might otherwise worry would break skin.

Also standing bondage.  A favorite from many years ago.  I learned some tricks for improvising overhead anchor points, and re-learned some good knots recently.  Without a committed partner, I'm still only at the tip of my prior iceberg in terms of kink fantasy.  But that will get rekindled in a bigger way one day.  I'll be ready!

Here's the tome:

Hello [name],

Thank you for your kind message and for using my code.

Yes, I am still looking, and have the difficult task of trying to get to know people well enough to discover whether I "click" and am compatible with them.  I have dozens of reasonable inquiries at any given time, and limited hours to correspond with people.  That means that certain of them get priority -- typically those that are near enough to meet easily (and potentially frequently) in person, and those that seem to be the most attractive.

Attractive here means not physical looks (although that's important), but enticing to me overall in personality, humor, values, interests, ambitions, life circumstances, emotional connection, etc.  I always, always want to establish some potential in those areas before even seeing a photo.  (Yours was attached by the way, but I know it's your profile photo and comes automatically with messages.  I wish CollarMe had a way for the recipient to hide those if desired.  Not that you look bad, you don't.)

I'm sure that you are a lovely and sincere man.  I haven't viewed your profile, but I see that you live far away from me.  Yes, I know that you said you can relocate.  But that statement unfortunately has lost its meaning for me.  People may be "willing to relocate" for the right woman, but the process of deciding if I am the right woman requires more than text, phone, and video contact -- even months of such.

I am willing to relocate for the right person too, although for me, that relocation would be temporary until I was able to return here where I have long term family obligations.  I would not relocate unless I had decided to commit to the person.  It's a bit of a catch-22.  People do not uproot themselves just to date.  In fact, almost no one even drives more than an hour or two to date.  Even if I offer to meet halfway.  I've learned that over and over this year.

I receive many, many messages like yours.  "Would you like to get to know each other a bit and go from there?"

I know that I could be happy with any number of men such as yourself.  There is no one person out there that is perfect for me.  I will create as near to perfection as I am able with whomever I end up with.  In fact, the person that gets me will have the best damn life I can possibly make happen: he will be treated like a king, be treated to an intelligent, sane, beautiful, fiercely loyal dominant woman, in exchange for providing the adoration and devotion I require, his submissive attitude, and the (primarily emotional) support and assistance for me to achieve my life dreams, some of which I haven't yet even fathomed.  He will get support and assistance to achieve his also.  The D/s part being just one aspect of it.

Yes, yes of course I would like to get to know you a bit and go from there.  I would like to get to know you and the sixteen others that are left in the inbox after culling this week's messages.  Ideally, I want to give you, and everyone else, the fair shake they deserve.  Because you all do deserve it.  YOU deserve it.  But practically speaking, I just can't do that.  This isn't cynical, just pragmatic.

The only advice I can give you is to open a conversation, and do your best to walk that fine line of being persistent but not intrusive; warm but not suffocating with kindness and praise; real and even mundane without being self-absorbed; and inquisitive/interested in me without being nosy or creepy.  Match the depth, frequency, tone, and length of your messages more or less to mine, but increase a bit in the direction you want to go.  Accept gracefully if I let you know your chances are poor.  I can't be attracted to everyone.  By the same token, be kind but direct if I'm not what you thought.

Mistakes men generally make with me -- once they get through the filters of using my code, NOT attaching a photo, and NOT including any contact information (80% make one of those mistakes)  -- include 1) approaching me as a sex/fantasy object rather than a person like themselves; 2) sharing too much detail too soon, creating an awkward lopsidedness to the conversation; 3) sharing too little of themselves, which allows the conversation to grow stale; and 4) trying too hard to impress.  It's a tall order, I know.

I suppose what would make it marginally easier for me is if all men would just "advertise honestly."  I think most of you feel you are doing that.  Relatively few people obfuscate their age, or means, or real personality, or problems/limitations, although some do.  Some have hidden things like that and eventually gotten to be close to me in spite of it.  But overall, honesty from the start is a big plus.  "Be yourself" is kind of stupid advice, because we all are complicated, flawed, and esemplastic.  But try not to be afraid to be vulnerable.  Vulnerability = courage = attractiveness and it's all in the package for a self identified submissive man.

I'm honest too, even though it is risky.  Once you're in, ask, I'll answer.  The big deal in the dominant-submissive world is me choosing you, but really, we have to choose each other.  It's rare, but I've chosen men -- full-out first-refusal chosen -- who subsequently didn't choose me back, and it sucks.  Sometimes there is no explanation, and that sucks too.  (I looked up the word 'esemplastic' just for this message!  Hah!  Did you?)

Okay, [name], so now I did go and look at your profile.  No interest list, and the text is somewhat banal and typical of men your age.  Which is fine.

Why am I writing so much to you if I don't seem particularly interested?  I guess I just wanted to get some things out there, I had some things on my mind as I approached this task yet again, and you were at the bottom of the first page of my bulk mail folder (I answer interesting bulk mail as well as regular filtered messages).  I was planning to start there and work my way up, answering first pagers in bulk and then in the regular inbox.  Yes, I'm sorry, I didn't choose you for any particular spark.  But remember, you were only there on the page because I didn't delete your message upon first reading, which puts you in the top 10-20%.  Maybe that helps a little?  It means you've done everything right so far.

[Name], I've just blown my first rule with you and written back in extreme disproportion, in tons of ways, to what you wrote to me.  I've done it to others before, with devastating results, but that's me I guess.  Maybe you found all of this insulting, and if so, I apologize.  It was meant to be kind.  Very, very few people get my stream of consciousness musings like this.  However, if you're game, and enjoy writing, I have a proposition for you.

I think I should make this kind of letter an open letter, in my journal here.  How would you edit what I've written to you?  Men are always wondering out loud in their messages, how to capture my favor.  What would have made this better advice for you, and easier to take?  If you're willing, send me your version, and I'll publish it in my journal.  I'll likely make my own adjustments too.

If you'd rather not, then you can either tell me that, or simply not write back.  Either is okay.  You owe me nothing.

And in either case, you're welcome to take the advice and open a conversation.  I can't promise I'll find you special, but I will respond when I can, as long as I feel comfortable talking to you.

Sincerely,

~~QS

An open letter to the person who wrote the following:

Why bother writing to me, just curious?  Did you see my suggestion to move along if I'm not your style?

It would seem you have a vast offering to choose from here.  Enjoy!

My puff piece has yielded me many lovely dates and long term friendships.  Rubber and road have converged.  May your profile be as productive for what you're seeking.

Sincerely,

QueSera

Wow, I am overdue for a journal entry.  Where does the time go?

Summer's over, and work is officially ramped up for the fall.  Six day work weeks start in 3...2...1...    I'm sad to see the warm weather go.  2012 was a most wonderful summer, and it will mostly be remembered with gratitude.  The gorgeous fall foliage is past peak here in New Hampshire, and we've had our first hard freeze.

Thank you to B. in Maine, hope I see the Tavern again.

Thank you to M. in Austin, not sure where you went but I hope you are well.  You are memorable.

Thank you to J. my Irish chemist friend.  Bookstores and movie-making sound like good winter projects, no?

Thank you to J. in Hartford, for your questions and your writing, and your attitude toward women.

Thank you to Cy my handball-enthusiast friend, whose hair looks good short.  Thanks for all of your check-ins on me.

Thank you to D. in MA, sweet as pie and the quickest blusher ever.

Thank you to J. in NYC, for treasured gifts and even more treasured philosophical discussions.  Not sure where you went either, but I'm a little worried.  Write please.

Thank you to M., who talks shop with me and fears being a type.  Damn, I love all your fears.  Two years of conversation.  Maybe that's a record.  Maybe not.

Thank you to the man known only as Poet, for gifts of creativity on command and under duress.

Thank you to "Mick," a most agreeable hiking partner, and master of trivia involving the number 28.

Thank you to C. in manchVegas, persistence pays off.  Who knew.  Thank you for a list of things too long.  You're my de-stresser extraordinaire.

Thank you to EE, my favorite crab cake, and source of said number 28.  2012 will forever be the year of you.  Distance is a killer.  Take these x's, dammit: xxxxxxx

Thank you to T., my Georgia peach.  Busy as bees, aren't we?  Thank you for warm friendship and photography.  It's been a long, strange trip since the FetishLore days.

Thank you to D. in MN, for a listening ear and sweet sentiments.  Tampa in December?  What, isn't Minnesota nice enough on New Year's?

Thank you to bbenn, for hanging in there.  You're going to be okay.

Thank you to everyone who's shared messages and chats with me this summer and this year.  My retinue, my entertainment, at times my solace.  Submissive men are the best.

And most of all thank you to Mr. L, my rock.  You said you would make my life easier and you quietly, unassumingly have.  I'm not even sure why.  Please travel safe, eat spinach and drink tea, I mean TEA.

~~QS

the tl:dr up front:  I am still looking.

The devil is in the details, though, as always.  I have regular companionship and no shortage of one-off (or two or three-off) dates.  More chat buddies than I can manage, more inquiries than I can get back to.  I have not been returning emails to people much at all, sorry about that.  I want to deal with what's on my plate before going back to the banquet table, as I recently told someone.  The dance card is full at the moment, but you never know when someone is going to bow out.  Work is busy and ever-changing.  I'm preoccupied, in a good way.

I appreciate all the wonderful compliments and beautiful messages I've received in the last month.  Truly!  Thank you.  Is it me, or is the quality of writing and sentiment going up around here?  Some of you have been overwhelming, which isn't a good thing.  Understandable, but not good.  Some continue to make the fatal errors of forgetting to include my code number, attaching a picture, giving contact information, or expecting (asking for, whining about) a quick response.  A few weeks is not an unusual amount of time for me to take to feel like sitting down and replying to mail.  Mostly, I've enjoyed sweet, kind, and respectful messages.  You make my day.

I have lots of ideas for journal entries.  Until I get to those, here's a reply I composed to someone recently and then never sent.  Ugh, yes, I know.  Sometimes I do that, sorry.

"When someone starts referring to "true" or "genuine" submissiveness (or dominance), that tends to be my cue to back away slowly.  I don't see vanilla people being concerned with who of their partners is a "true" heterosexual or homosexual.  Of course, maybe I'm just not frequenting the right forums!

Sometimes I am accused of not being "truly" dominant, as if that were a distinct idea.  A man deferring to me, or acting toward me as if he had lower status, makes me feel lovey and tingly.  Having him willingly follow my commands, especially when that means his discomfort or inconvenience, makes me desire him.  Throw something sexual in the mix and ... well, you know!  Pretty soon I want to exert my will on him, restrain him body and/or mind and have my way with him, trucking no protest or resistance.  Maybe even being a bit sadistic.  That's what makes me happy.  It sure feels like dominance.

I've also been called "merely toppy" because I don't act cold and haughty, wear black leather corsets, call my partners pathetic worms, or dress them in lace underwear (hey -- unless they're really into that!).  Yes, I'm a 'top' in that sense, I have to be the one directing sexual interaction, yet I share other kinds of decision making with my partner in that boring, equal, vanilla way -- which by the way is much more efficient and less burdensome.  Call me toppy and I won't even blink.  But 'top' and 'bottom' suggest to me only the part about doing and being done-to.  Initiating and being led, in well defined bedroom games.  There's more to what I like and need in a relationship than that. 

I think male submission takes more courage than female dominance, female submission, or male dominance.  It's the most risky combination.  It takes strength of character, emotional confidence.  Most guys are not dripping with those attributes, and yet, submissive men are still turned on by being submissive.  It's almost like they put themselves into vulnerable spaces -- or allow themselves to be taken there -- against their better judgment because that's what gets them hard.  God, what a beautiful thing.  It's that kind of sex-driven irrational behavior that gets me going.  In and out of the bedroom, about actual sex and about actual other stuff.  There's the whole hurt/comfort thing, where I get to cause the hurt and provide the comfort.  The power makes me aroused, and the powerlessness does the same for him.  Win-Win."  

Edit 7/28: Remember, no photos, no contact information, no begging, and please include my code number.  Messages without the number in the first line get deleted, regardless of whether you are Mr. Ideal and live next door.  Picture me working all the time (which I do) and be patient about a reply.  Thanks!

Here is the text of my profile as it appeared from about March, 2011 to June, 2012.

Experienced Dominant Woman ~~ No Nonsense

I have had several successful, long term d/s relationships, and am once again anticipating finding the one that will be the last, longest chapter of my life.  I am recently split (March 2011) from a wonderful submissive man that I met here on CM five years ago.  You will see references to bbenn in my journal.  For reasons unrelated to me or to his submissive nature, he decided to change his life's course last year.  Although I regret that he chose to leave, I fully respect and support his needs, and have released him with my best wishes.  We remain in close contact and will always be friends.  Bbenn, I admire your courage and your many talents, and understand your struggles.  May you find the peace you seek.  I will remember our time together with joy and reverence.

For now, I seek compatible, single submissive men for conversation and possibly vanilla company.  Anything more serious will take time, and I am in no rush.  I'm primarily seeking men who are within traveling distance.  I am also comfortable taking some time being without a partner.

I only exchange CM mail messages. No regular email, chat, instant messaging, webcam, phone, or RL meeting should be expected.  I have no interest in teaching or training anyone, keyholding, or an online relationship.  I don't go by any honorific.  I probably will not respond if all you do is greet me, ask how I am doing today, or ask if you can talk to me or ask a question.  An empty profile ends my interest, as I don't have time to query you about basics or draw you out in several messages just to get a sense of your personality.

I tend to respond to men who can initiate an interesting exchange, who speak freely about themselves, and who are direct about what they are looking for.  If you write to me, please present yourself as you are, be yourself in the way you communicate.  Don't send me anything canned.  Talk to me the same way you would if we were to meet in a public place and strike up a conversation.  Please don't capitalize 'you/your' or write 'I' in lower case.  Don't expect me to act dominating toward you.  That is reserved for people I get to know and care about.  If I like what you've written, I may save your message to respond to later.  Please don't pester me with daily messages if I haven't written you back.  I do like compliments (don't we all!).

I have an ordinary life apart from my sexual preferences.  If I have time, I'm open to chatting about my experience and views on sex, relationships, and being a naturally dominant woman if you ask in a respectful way.  However, I am looking to get to know people to determine compatibility.  Therefore I will be much more interested in your vanilla life and interests at first, as you should be in mine.

I have never had a vanilla partner, and from a very young age have always had sexually dominant and sadistic fantasies.  If you want to know what I like and how I think, scroll way down and read my first few journal entries, where I quote Bitchy Jones, from her now-defunct blog 'Bitchy Jones' Diary.'  Her essays describe my own preferences and thoughts pretty well.  And aside from that, they are just plain hot!

I own my own business and am very busy. Sometimes I check in here frequently, but other times I am so busy with life that I'm away for months.  It sometimes takes weeks for me to respond to a message.  Spelling and grammar are nice, but communication of interesting ideas trumps the surface form.  I will be able to see your intelligence regardless of how you write.

If you write to me, please follow these simple rules:

1. Do not include any contact information. Do not ask for mine.

2. Do not attach photos of yourself.

3. Read my profile. To let me know you did, put the number 28 in the first line of your message.  Messages without this number suggest to me that you have not read my profile, and I therefore must conclude that you don't yet know what I am seeking -- and so such messages will be deleted, regardless of content.  If you discover you "forgot" to include this number, or you dash off a message before reading, simply write a new message that includes the number, knowing that the first was deleted unread.

Have fun everyone, and be safe. XXOO

For some reason, men are looking so good to me today.

Man in the post office, asking me for directions and strolling to the parking lot with me, about 60, bald, in nice shape and friendly, thanks for the chit chat and you looked great.  I hope you found your way to that store.  I didn't walk too close to you, did I?

Two young guys, late 20s, with the hood popped on that circa-1989 beat-up white Chevy S10, near the auto parts place, you are quite welcome for the long look at my legs in sexy high heel boots & short skirt, as I bent and stretched to load items into my back seat next to you, and also for the flirty hellos and smiles.  Especially the curly blond haired one on the right, man what a smile on that guy.

Three businessmen on the corner waiting for the walk signal, late 40s to early 50s, looking like Dads talking about your teenagers, the little green tags hanging around your necks from whatever meeting you were attending today, you looked nice.  Did you see me checking you out as I was stopped at the red light?

Dude changing my oil, I was only moving out of your way in the front seat so you could reset my dashboard oil change indicator.  Being polite, you know.  You looked lovely kneeling next to the open driver's side door and making small talk about my car.  I do like looking down at a handsome face.  Yes, I am aware you could see almost all the way up the skirt when I crossed my legs.  Your grin as you directed me out of the bay afterward suggested to me you will remember that image of the tops of my stockings for a while.

Big guy holding the door open at my office, you almost went in, first, didn't you?  But I was carrying a lot of stuff, so you waited.  I really meant that thank you, that's why you got that look in the eye as I passed you.  Maybe the eye contact made the view from behind that much sweeter a few moments later when I stopped to unlock my door.  Based on the logo on your shirt, you now work for the company upstairs?  How nice.  See you around! ;)

_______

My warm appreciation goes out to everyone who has written to me in the last few weeks.  I have been busy and barely had time to check in, but please know your words were read.  In time I hope to be able to reply to some of you.  I am enjoying meeting with a select few submissive men from time to time, and regularly talking with a couple more.  Work is picking up again.  Life is full.

I recently was interviewed at submissivemale-dot-blogspot-dot-com.  There are all kinds of dominant women, just as there are all kinds of submissive men, and I was honored to be able to describe myself there to share my particular experience of D/s.  Please enjoy if you are so inclined.

~~QS

Re: additional profile photo.  Same outfit, shorter hair.  In my opinion, the angle is not as flattering, but the body has not changed.  I wanted this update for 'truth in advertising' as well as to have one that was not associated with a past relationship.  I won't take down the original. ;)  {Edit 6/2012, photo removed for now}

Almost the end of March, how time flies.  I have been enjoying the company of a select few submissive gentlemen, and am looking forward to meeting one or two more who have caught my fancy.  Several others have been on my mind, and through text communication, a friendship or two might even be blooming.  I do wish that certain of them lived closer to me.  I am still in almost daily contact with bbenn as well.  Yet, in spite of this, and my devotion to work, my affection for and interest in submissive men never feel stretched.  For those I am most focused on, feelings seem only to get deeper.  My future partner may already be in touch with me, or his message might be in my mailbox waiting for a reply.  Or maybe his first courageous words to me are still weeks or months away from being written.

I am especially tickled with feedback I get when meetings finally do happen.  One comment has been that I am "prettier and more petite" in real life than in my pictures.  (Points!!)  Another calls me 'gracile.'  Journal entries have been written about me, which put me at risk of getting egotistic!  I also had some new photos taken, and one of them has made it to my profile.  I am not sure whether or when others will be posted, and if so, for how long.  I'm not quite sure what I think of them yet.

I have recently been reading more D/s blogs.  Although I do not think of myself as very political, I wrote the following as a blog comment today, and thought I would post it here.  It's more thoughtful than sexy.  The mean/tender fantasy upon which I have been ruminating, about having a sexual slave, and others about having a cuckold, will have to wait for another time.

Thank you to all who have written, and especially to those whose conversations have kept me company.

The blog is called "Yes, I am a Submissive Man!"

"John, I have been wanting to comment on this post, but every time I try, so many conflicting nuances come up that I cannot converge satisfactorily on a point. I hope this final try does not get too muddled.

Though these women expect to be served domestically and sexually by the submissive of their choosing, their personal investment in such a relationship dynamic is partitioned from the wider social and [gender] political landscape I've been advocating for some time. 

I have never had a vanilla relationship, but I think even if I were vanilla, my personal investment in my relationship dynamic would be partitioned from the wider social and political landscape. That does not mean I would be uninterested or uninvolved in political social or gender issues. It means for me personally, I don't think I would open my bedroom door to make a public statement, even with close family or friends, about sex or gender politics. I might make my views known or act on them in other ways, but I would not make an example of my own love relationship to do it. I want my private life to be just that, private.

As a dominant woman in a female led relationship, am I expected to be more politically aware of gender or social issues simply because of my sexual identity? More politically active, more outspoken? More public about my sexuality? I think not. I bristle at the suggestion that I 'should' make gender politics an area of interest, because I am in such a good position to influence others with my opinion, simply by being a dominant woman. That just does not seem to follow.  Could my interests run that way in the future? Sure, of course. But that would have to be my choice and would have to grow naturally.

[Regarding gender/social activism]: For me - as a submissive male - that's centered on the disempowerment that comes from abandoning my patriarchal privilege and offering my surrender and submission to the woman who has chosen me. I acknowledge her not only as my superior but one who is redefining me as the ideal submissive man to best serve her.

I understand that part of your expression of submission is behavior that rejects the male privilege you perceive in society, in favor of empowerment of women. I think maybe we differ on our perception of that privilege and disempowerment. There is no doubt that the vast majority of the world throughout history has been patriarchal, and that much of our current society bears the stamp. You were likely not taught to fear walking alone after dark as I was. If you do not have children, or if your career is your life's focus, your masculinity is probably not disparaged by family or doubted by friends, as my femininity has been. If you are careless in some financial matter or in driving, it won't be attributed to your gender. You do not have to be concerned with the message your wardrobe might send about your sexual availability or interest. You can express yourself aggressively when needed without being subsequently known as a bitch. And on and on. I think I understand that these inequalities pain you, and that you strive to counter them.

Where we may differ is that my focus is also on the other side of the coin. The highest positions of authority in our society are almost exclusively male, but those few men are there as individuals, not as representatives of a class. The vast majority of men -- and in my experience, most submissive men -- feel inferior. The men in power are not looking out for them any more than they are looking out for me. Nor are most women looking out for the average man, especially those women who feel the sting of inequality. There are plenty of ways men suffer from disempowerment too, and advocacy efforts are given little attention. Boys in Western societies are called sissies and fags if they are interested in non-stereotypical activities like dance or classical music. Boys and men are put in much smaller boxes of expectation than we like to admit. There are plenty of images of incompetent, silly, emotionally empty men in the media, often condescendingly corrected or saved by gorgeous, smart, capable women. These images do affect ordinary men, even if they do not touch the tiny percentage in the high power positions.  I could go on here as well.  More seriously, abuse, battery and rape of men by women is still not taken seriously.

My activism is more likely to be generalized, on behalf of both men and women. Those at the bottom of the ladder as well as higher up. I support Planned Parenthood, LGBT causes, and MaleSurvivor.org, for example. We all participate in sexism against each other, because it is so woven into our culture. Rather than make my identity as a dominant female political or even public, I try to work against sexism and other inequalities where I see them in my own life, in my behavior and thought, and by supporting those trying to do the same. I want men, ordinary men and especially submissive men, to feel personally strong, worthy and empowered -- because (along with simply wanting others to be happy) those are the kind that turn me on."

In response to an inquiry, I composed the following then decided to post it here (with some subsequent edits).  FWIW, a few random musings on male sacrifice and sex appeal.

"Looking back on your messages, I do see you talk about a "select few" women and one you were "madly in love" with.  I can understand the drive to support and work for a select few that you have cared about.  Men are naturally protectors and providers.  When they are in love, they are unstoppable.  Sometimes to their own detriment.

Even in everyday things, men protect and provide for others, but particularly for women.  Too many women do not fully appreciate this.  Men hold doors, pull out chairs, open stuck lids, walk on the traffic side, offer their own coat or umbrella in bad weather, even if it means their own discomfort.  Most do this AUTOMATICALLY when they see a need, especially submissive men.  And most actually feel good doing it.

Men don't traditionally do everyday housework such as cooking and cleaning, but the tasks they do are most likely to be the ones that carry a risk of bodily harm: cleaning out gutters, shoveling snow, fixing or cleaning up broken things, moving heavy furniture, removing dead animals (DAD stands for Dead Animal Disposal, you know).  Men lift and reach and carry things.  Anything up on a ladder, down in a crawl space, or requiring getting close to live wires. Anything surrounded by grime or ice or dust or chemicals.  Anywhere the job is going to be sweltering or bitterly cold.  Uncomfortable, dangerous tasks.  Men risk and suffer for us, and that is HOT.

I drove by construction workers today, filling pot holes on a back road and having to stop traffic to do so.  Those guys were at some risk and their work was physically hard.  They were also making my life easier -- sure they were getting paid, and sure they were helping everyone, not just women. But I felt pleasure thinking that they were going to feel some aches tonight from a day of smoothing the roads to make my drive safer and more pleasant.  And I regarded them as just a little bit sexy for it.  That is the female-dominant mindset.

Men are awesome.  My natural desire to dominate a man and lower his status only works because he has such high status in my eyes to begin with.  He has physical and intellectual power, and he will inhibit the urge to use that power in deference to me and my needs.  The submissive man finds joy in donating his bodily comfort and dignity to preserve mine.  He will go naked on his knees and kiss my shoes with all that strength and will held inside him.  HOT.  HOT.  HOT.

My 'power' over him is in providing, from my pedestal, what he needs: deliberate, clear communication of love and appreciation (no games, no diffidence), sexual variety and excitement and release (because he is HOT just by existing and acting normally, see above), and positive regard (if he has earned it).  A dominant woman can also provide direction and goals, if those are needed.  My partner need never feel anxious wondering what to do to please me -- I make it plain, that is my gift to him.  And in large part, he has already pleased me simply by being who he is.

Thank you to the many people who have written to me in the last month.  I have been on CM more frequently, corresponding with a few interesting submissive men and cleaning out the mailbox, and so my profile has been more prominent to those who have search parameters that include me.  I have been getting tons of mail.  Again, thank you!

I recently got one that said something to the effect of "it makes me happy just to see that you continue to read my messages."  I wish that more people would take this gracious and un-demanding attitude.  It made me happy to see that someone would appreciate my time and attention in this small way.

To everyone who has written me something interesting, who sees that I have read the message, it is safe to assume I enjoyed it.  I can't possibly respond to everyone.  Of course, there are messages that I delete without opening, like the ones without a "73" in the first line*, or those that are rude, look like a bulk mailing, or open with a topic in which I have zero interest.  (To the person whose message was deleted unread and immediately responded "why delete unread -- you must have a low opinion of people" -- and anyone else who felt the same -- you are welcome to believe that about me if you wish.)  The vast majority of messages I do read, even those in the above categories.

*I periodically change my code number.  If you look carefully, you'll see it's now 28.

To answer some questions that seem to come up regularly:

1) 73 is a completely random number.  It has no special meaning to me.

2) I have lots of local choices, so relocating is probably not going to improve your chances.

3) I'm not chatting back and forth via messages very much, even though I am on the site more.  It's nothing personal, I didn't forget about you, and it doesn't mean I was offended by something you said.

4) I have felt sexually dominant my entire life.  Since childhood.  There was no triggering event or sudden revelation.

5) Women are not inherently superior to men.  It's fine to play as if we are, and that can be fun.  Admire the many wonderful things about women, and celebrate those things, but evidence in the real world does not support the assertion that any one group is inherently superior to any other.  (I'll be over in this other corner celebrating all the admirable things about men, thanks.)

Now, on to random musings.  OK, it's complaints first.  But bear with me.

What is with female dominants sending me cock pictures?  Just No. (With a side order of what the .... why?)

Profile states "dislikes begging."  That means don't plead with me to respond to your mail or give you a chance.  It's completely lost on me, and a turnoff besides.

Messages asking permission to talk to me or asking how I am doing are pointless.  It's busywork for me to reply just to say 'sure, go ahead and send me an actual message with content' or 'fine, and you?'  I have enough busywork at my actual paying job.

In person, however, asking permission for any kind of behavior is always proper.  May I open the door for you?  Shall I take your coat?  Would you mind if I gave you a kiss?  Is it OK to touch your shoes?  May I undress?  Asking permission is a submissive act.  Acting first and asking permission when you're halfway there, or worse, asking if it was OK after the fact, or worse yet, saying nothing, is NOT submissive.  It's presumptuous and lacks restraint and modesty.  I prefer my partner to ask more permission than he thinks he needs to.  I don't expect mind-reading, but better that I must instruct him to do less, than to be disappointed or irritated and in the position of having to inform him that he screwed up.  I might choose to say nothing, since I prefer positive interactions, especially with new people.  But his stock has now lost value with me.

More than half of the messages from new people still arrive with one or more of my 'rules' not followed, mostly no code number, a close second is including a picture, and occasionally I get unsolicited contact information.  I used to lament about this, because some of the senders actually seemed like people I might want to chat with, and all I could assume is that they had not read my profile.  Now that I've stated I am looking for company, losing those potential interlocutors is probably a good thing since I can't keep up with the rule-abiding ones anyway.

I had a lull in work during December and January, but now things have picked up and the next couple of months are going to be crazy.  That's about normal in my business.  I'm still in close contact with bbenn, but we have defined our relationship as friends only.  It's nice to be friends.  I enjoy his company, and probably always will.

In the company of submissive men, my mind relaxes.  My senses become just a bit sharper.  I feel like all is well in the universe.  Then, of course, eventually I start thinking about bondage.

First thoughts always seem to go to bondage.  Have to get things secured to get in the mood, yes?  Mustn't just take out the paddle and lay it on someone without warning.  That wouldn't be .... OK, so I have been known to do that too.  But not as often.

I never plan.  I never make a fantasy in my head and then try to recreate it.  Whatever occurs to me in the moment is what I do, and if things don't turn out to my liking, I try something else.  I might have picked that attitude up from a dommie friend of mine in high school.  She was very spontaneous.  Sometimes I create an awesome fantasy in an idle moment, and then I think, shit.  That was in such great detail that I will probably never actually do it that way!  Oh well.  Fortunately the imagination is boundless.

I'm still seeking submissive men for vanilla company, conversation, and adventures.  The search for a serious commitment is still some time away. 

Have fun and be safe everyone,

~~QS

I have been getting lots of mail.  Thanks to all who have written.

One issue -- the whole caps thing for 'you' and 'your, 'she' and 'her.'  My eyeballs are going to fall out of my head if I have to keep reading text with all this weird capitalization going on.  It's distracting.  Here's why.

Part of my brain has to deal with the fact that a word that shouldn't be capitalized is capitalized in every sentence, sometimes in every phrase.  Or, a word that should be (I), isn't.  No reader can avoid noticing this because it happens automatically.  The part of my brain that is taken up with this automatic noticing-task cannot be devoted to actually paying attention to what the writer is trying to say.  So the other parts of my brain that process language have to work harder.

If you are a submissive person and really want to make my life easier, or at least not harder, start with writing normally so that reading your message does not feel vaguely odd and chore-like.  Because if you happen to be the tenth message in a row that dragged me through paragraphs of capped-up You and Your, my feeling of irritation is going to get associated with your screen name.

Here is what Bitchy Jones had to say on the topic, in her inimitable style:

"FUCKING CAPS LOCK PROTOCOL/SHIFT KEY ABUSE: Some people like to use capital letters to show how fucking dominant they are. The first thing you might notice when you encounter such a person is that the word dominant is written with a capital letter at the start and submissive with a lower case letter. This is the first sign you should start backing away slowly.

"Next we see pronouns like He, She and You capped up when they refer to a dominant person and capped down for submissive people. ‘i am so submissive’. Firstly, it’s hideous and secondly it’s stupid – only stupid people do this because they they are missing the point that people read by skimming the text for significant capitalised key words. That is why stuff written like this makes you feel weird when you read it."

I've added a rule to my main page to reflect this detail.

~~QS

A very Happy 2012 to anyone passing by reading this.

I would like to thank everyone that has written to me in the last few months.  I have had the chance to respond to only a few people, but I have read all the messages.  The majority have been interesting, entertaining, and respectful.  Although I do not buy the idea that there are more submissive men than dominant women, it seems that when the time comes for me to date again, there is no shortage of submissive men who at least appear to meet my standards.

My news for the new year is that bbenn has returned to my area.  We are spending some time together, but it seems clear that the passage of ten months has shifted things, and our connection, although mutually caring, is platonic.  It is feeling like closure to me.

However, there are entanglements still.  I hesitate to disclose more than necessary, but to be up front with anyone who might be serious about meeting me, there are some facts I should share.  This is as good a place as any to do so.

In my time with bbenn, I invested in him financially.  I think that is what anyone does when they get to the point of marriage, and I have no regrets. These were substantial investments: vehicles, college, etc.  Had we stayed together the unequal contribution would have evened out over time.  But that was not to be.  After our split, bbenn embarked on a venture that seemed promising and lucrative, and agreed to settle his debt to me within a certain time.  Well, the job he took did not pan out and he is unable to repay me.  It may be quite a while now before that happens, and it might be that it never happens (although he states that is his intention, and I believe him).

I am willing to write off what I have invested in bbenn with no hard feelings.  I made my choices and accept that.  In fact, I feel good about having invested in him: he is a good man. However, it changes my present reality.  I now have debts that I had not planned on, and one income rather that two with which to address them.  I am self sufficient, and not at risk of poverty or anything so dire, but for the next two years I will be channeling all of my disposable income into these debts.

Fortunately I enjoy the challenge of frugal living.  I'm a pretty frugal person to begin with, and business ownership has only honed that skill over the years.

I am getting close to the point of dating.  However, I want to be honest with any potential partners here.  My ideal situation would be to find someone relatively local, who would be willing to do the traveling, or help me with the cost of traveling, and who would be willing to pay the expenses of however we spend time together.  This is not a test of anything, nor an entitlement for being female, nor an expression of anger or resentment for having put my money into someone who left.  And absolutely it is not a 'tribute.'  It is simple reality.  I want to date soon, but can't afford it; my top priority is my debt.  I need any potential life partner to be in a position to support me in this small way until I am back where I was, financially.

I am more than generous with my resources when I have them to spend.  I am also appreciative and gracious when others spend their time and money on me.

I look forward to corresponding with anyone who is ready to meet me under these circumstances, and of course, who also appeals to me in other respects.  Thanks for your understanding.

~~QS

It has, once again, been quite a while since I checked in here.  Thank you to everyone who has sent me messages.  I have read them, and found almost all to be interesting, respectful, and gracious.  I think that goes to show that if dominant women show respect and grace (which I attempt to do, and sometimes succeed), submissive men of similar caliber return those attributes in spades.

I have found many pros and cons to the single life.  I've had more time to pursue projects and whims this summer than at any other time in my life, which has been fun as well as edifying.  Yet I've also confirmed to myself that solitude is not my preferred state.  It may be time to begin returning some messages.

I must stress that I do not intend to jump into another relationship any time soon.  I am still in touch with bbenn and we have a special bond.  Disentangling and reframing is a gradual process.  I am interested in finding people with compatible interests and time to discuss them -- or if nearby, perhaps more.  I am interested in friendship and the personal sharing that can entail, but not exclusive dating or commitment.

Getting to know people has its own value, regardless of whether a romance develops.  If I write to you, and you do not wish to correspond for the purpose of friendship or banter, then state such so that I may respect your position and needs.  One never knows what the future holds or from where a special relationship will emerge, but I don't wish to hold out any tenuous promise or disappoint anyone.  Enjoy any fantasy you like (and I will too), but be sure to stay on the correct side of the reality line.

Thanks for your understanding.

~~QS

Thanks to all who have written to me in the last month.  I have barely checked in to CM since April.  I am forging a single life for now and am keeping very busy with work and household projects.  This seems the appropriate and prudent thing to do.  I have saved messages of interest to me, for when the time feels right to respond.

I hope everyone reading this is well and enjoying the summer.

~~QS

Less than a week since my announcement that bbenn and I are in the middle of a breakup, and already there are demands being made of me to reply to messages.  E.g., When are you going to write back?  What did I say wrong?  Are you mad at me?  When can I expect a reply?  How long will it take?  Did you forget about me?  I guess you haven't had time to write back, pout pout.  The courtesy of a reply is appreciated.  I guess my message got lost in your inbox.  What should I do to encourage you to write back?  I am waiting to hear from you.  Etc., etc.

Then there are the people who obfuscate some basic information in their profile, like age or location, or hint that they have something incredible to tell me, then try to tempt me to write by saying they will reveal this information after my reply.

Some people wait an entire hour before asking why I have not written them back yet. Others are accommodating enough to allow me two or three days.  I guess they see I have been on the site and assume I am intentionally ignoring their pleas.

These messages are irritating in that they are requests -- direct or indirect -- for me to do something, take the time to explain, soothe fears, soothe egos, reassure, pay attention.  Hundreds of messages, at least thirty a day, sometimes many more. I am logging in frequently just to clear out the inbox and bulk mail, and that takes time too.

I have tried to be generous in writing to interested people, and have spent many hours doing this already, almost daily.  I cannot spend hours on CM.  I still work 50-60 hours a week and need to devote time to bbenn, negotiating various aspects of our transition to friendship and the disposition of our mutual belongings. This process will take weeks if not months, and is emotionally draining.

One thing that originally drew me to bbenn was that he made NO demands of me at all.  He never asked me to write back, to meet, to give him specific information, to send him anything, to discuss anything in particular.  I am beginning to remember how refreshing that was.  I've removed the sentence from my profile that says to ask for a reply if you want one.  What was I thinking?

I am looking for no more than regular, but not hourly, vanilla conversation and possible occasional, no strings vanilla company at this point.  Please, do not describe for me in sickening detail all the sex acts you want to "do for me" or are "willing to have done" to you.  Please do not wax poetic about your vision of our entire marriage and happy life for the next thirty years, and how it will be all you ever dreamed of and the envy of every man on earth.

If you would not say something in person, having just met me at a vanilla party and found out I was newly single, then do not say it here.  To the vanishing few that have been relevant, patient, and undemanding, thank you.  You stand out.

It has been a long and challenging winter, but spring has finally arrived.  This spring brings with it change, as spring often does.  My beloved bbenn, after much painful contemplation, has decided his life's path must diverge from mine, so that he may seek the answers to some very important questions.  What a lovely time we have had, so many adventures, some heartbreak, and overall a rich period of growth.  Spring is a good time for change, if difficult change must occur.  Meeting and parting are both recurring themes in life, and I am grateful to have met such a captivating and admirable submissive man, and to be parting on such loving terms.  I look forward to a lifetime of friendship with bbenn, and to hear of his future successes.  I will take pride in every one.

I thought I'd have some fun tonight comparing two styles from people who write to me seeking correspondence and attention.  These two writers happen to be male, although I get a fair number of messages from women too.  One has what I am calling a "me" style, and one has a "you" style.

Vastly more people have a "me" style in their messages than a "you" style, which makes the latter very compelling.

The messages that follow comply with all of my requirements and are about the same length and well written.  I parse them very loosely here, not according to any particular grammatical rules, just off the top of my head.  Both messages interest me but I only responded to one.

An example of the "me" style:

"65 :) Great profile and would love to chat with you.  I'm an attractive intelligent fit single submissive male from [city].  I have experience as a sub but currently single and truly enjoy getting to know other well-spoken, confident and open minded people.  Hope to hear from you.  Thanks"

Parsed:

{you} have a great profile and    -- compliment

{I} would love to chat with you.  -- indirect request

{I'm} an attractive intelligent fit single submissive male from [city] -- ALL about him

{I} have experience as a sub but    --about him

{I} am currently single and      -- about him

{I} truly enjoy getting to know  -- about him

{other} (like myself!)  well spoken, confident and open minded people. -- backhanded self-compliment !?!

{I} hope to hear from you.  Thanks.  -- indirect request

This person is all about himself and his requests.  References to himself in the active or as subject numbered seven, not counting the serial list.  References to me as active or subject, one.  I take from this two things:  "I'm great" and "write to me."

An example of the "you" style:

"you are unbeleivably sexy and I love your profile...65....every word turned me on. My only limits are those which you set for me, my only aim is to plese you, I would love to be tortured for your amusement and pleasure. you will be dreamed about."

Parsed:

{You} are unbelievably sexy and   --compliment

{I} love your profile   --compliment

{Your} every word turned me on  -- about me

{my} only limits are those which {you} set for me   -- about me

{my} only aim is to please {you} -- about me

{I} would love to be tortured for {your} amusement and pleasure -- about me

{you} will be dreamed about -- about me

This person is all about ceding power and admitting my influence on him.  I can't really construe what he says here as a request.  It reads more as an offering in fantasy or a wish.  Looking at the deep structure, references to himself in the active or as subject, two.  References to me as active or subject, four.  Plus two more where reference to me appeared as the object of a verb or preposition in a sentence that was about my pleasure.

I take from this two things: "you're great" and "you influence me."  No requests.

Now of course I don't expect anyone to be diagramming their sentences to see how many times they mention one thing or another.  But the writing styles convey very different images of two men.  I can't get into the heads of these guys and tell you who is more sincere, "more submissive," more compatible, or better in any way.  There is no way to tell from a half-dozen sentences.

But guess which one I wrote back to.

~~QS

This is just too precious.

I noticed my Femme Domme Society profile had been reinstated a few weeks ago, because I began to get hotlisted and get messages there again. So this morning I logged in to see what was going on.

My headline now reads "Experienced SUPREMACIST dominant woman" !! On top of that, the first sentence of my profile description is preserved, and the rest of it is replaced by "I am a female supremacist." 

Well golly gee, I guess they got me, didn't they? It's a high quality outfit that, rather than simply delete or un-invite people they do not want, they keep them and change their profiles to make them comply with their own preferred beliefs! Perhaps they did not want to "lose" a dominant woman and the possible (however improbable) income from her. Perhaps they did not want to put even a small dent in the statistic of how many dominant women they have on the site. 

I edited my profile to reflect who I really am, and what changes were made to my profile without my permission or knowledge. I'm curious how long those changes will remain before the moderators change it again. Maybe they will make me out as a pro domme next time! ~~QueSera, bemused

Well, how topical can one get. 

I got the following email today from the aforementioned FemDommeSociety. Typos are preserved, they add to the charm, don't you think? 

"Dear _______ , First, here is your membership number xxxx. You will need this. Let me explain. We know that you are a very active and supportive member of the society ( THANK YOU ), and as you can see the society is growing rapidly. We can sense even greater growth on horizon, so we are preparing. 

I am Ms Amelia, I sit on the counsel and what I have been autnorized to share with you is for Domme’s only: We operate on a very tight budget. A budget in which we bring in new features to the community as we can afford them. Plus as I am sure you know We keep the entire society 100% free to Dominant Ladies. We want the submissive men to bare the cost. 

We meet last week to discuss our budget and the addition of new features for the site which will include: 

New World wide Party registration system 

New Slave Registration system 

Improved Personal websites, with friends list, instant chat and admin section. 

One on One video chat 

Live online sessions 

Pod Casting 

After reviewing out budget we realized that to bring in these new features now, we need to raise some additional funds. So we came up with a way to raise those fund and to financially reward Ladies such as yourself at the same time. To help fund the new improvements we are offering a special Platinum membership to submissives. This is a one time offer in which subs can get a life time membership for $125. That is it! They never pay again. A huge savings. 

We figure that there could be no one better to promote this limited offer than those Ladies who show the most dedication and are using the system, so we have structured the promotion to pay you $25 for every platinum member you get! That is where your ID number comes into play. At the top of the control panel page and on the personals section you will see a new button that reads Platinum Upgrade. Simply instruct your subs to go to this link. The submissive will need your ID number, which he must enter when registering for the Platinum membership. Each time this happens you will receive a notification email identifying who signed up. I am sure you can do the math and quickly realize that getting 10 or 20 guys to upgrade to Platinum will provide you with some serious spending money. 

On July 31st we will issue payment to you for the total number of upgrades you have. Payment will be in one of two forms; Pay pal or check. Please explain to your slaves that this is a honor and that as one of the Ladies of the Society you have helped structure this deal. It is a very limited time offer, and just in place to help us pay for improvements. Never again will a sub be able to get a lifetime membership for only $125. 

 I will close with a word of caution: Errors by subs on entering your ID number can not be corrected, so please make sure you provide them with the correct number. Also please do not email every sub on the system, just email the ones you have been in contact with. We have limited the number of Ladies we are sending this email to, but we certainly do not want subs to get 20 emails from different Ladies. 

 Have a wonderful day, Ms, Amelia and the Ladies of the Society" 

 Ahh, *so* much to comment on! I'll stick with the first question that popped into my mind: WHAT DO THE SUBMISSIVE MEN GET FOR THEIR $125? Answer: access to the same bunch of female-supremacist B-words who consider submissive men inferior slugs and if they want any contact at all, only want it to exploit them more. 

Oh, but now the men can Register as a Slave!! And have a Friends List! And (for an extra charge, I assume) have one-on-one video chat!! (Please do not confuse this with an actual relationship with a female supremacist.) And Live Online Sessions!! (whatever those turn out to be -- for another small but substantial fee, I'm guessing.) Essentially, for their $125 they can get a nice, creamy feeling of being not just constitutionally inferior, but financially supportive of female supremacy too. 

Some men, of course, are happy to send their money to a group of unknown women because they enjoy the idea of female supremacy. Just a thought, you can enjoy the idea without sending money to people you don't know, and who don't give a rat's ass about you. 

Another concept: This is not the first female-supremacy site I have been a part of that was constantly finding new ways to get the submissive men to "bare" the cost (was that an intentional pun? I think not). Really, deep down, no matter how they dress it up, they are all like this. Really. Buyer beware.

This is what I so like about Bitchy Jones. Take a look at the full text at her blog, but these are the juicy parts I like. I think bbenn is going to get some marks on his wrist with permanent marker. 

Start Quote: "This is what happened, not last weekend but the weekend before: I tie Jack up in the cuffs. Wrists and ankles all caught together in a big hog tie ring in front of him. He’s coiled up hedgehogwards. I put on a collar which doesn’t match because it is from the other set of cuffs. The old black set that I bought with Pan. I attach the collar to the ring with a big brutey metal clip. With Jack everything needs to be industrial. I put a bit gag in his mouth and nipple clamps on his nipples. I attach the clamps to the ring to keep everything tight and sparky with pain. The gag makes him drool and once that starts he can’t stop it. Not the way he’s curled up. Silver saliva threads drape from his mouth down to his cock. His cock is hard and precome sticky.

... With submissive men, a lot of the time, you see [the penis concealed]. This denial of the cock. Hiding it. Replacing it with man pussy. Hiding cock away in gimp suits, lycra, in panties. Where mandom is all about making the woman’s cunt available and accessible with ten gazillion bondage position that keep her helplessly open. And that openness isn’t just about access – it’s about demonstrating her arousal too. And I love that aesthetic. 

But... I like cock. I like cock right there. Accessible and ready and betraying his arousal. I like to reach into the bondage web at the centre of Jack, let his hopeless saliva cover my hands and stroke them down his cock and say, You like this. You’re so hard. You like this. Even while he is moaning his disapproval and distress. Angry and appalled as I lube him up with the saliva he cannot stop falling from his mouth. And I’m burning. Make no mistake. I’m dying with desire as I look at him like this – humble and hard. 

When I let him go, I come and then he fucks me. The next day we cook a meal to celebrate our anniversary and when everyone else has left he fucks me again over the table. And then he goes away. And then last weekend he came back. Right now, he has three marks on his wrist in coloured felt pen. He gets one every time he makes me come. I do not come crazy easy. Not a gazillion times each session as is the sex blogger norm. I do not ejaculate. I do not come from sexual intercourse. But I come on his hand and I come with a vibe and I come around his tongue and those are the three ways I have come this weekend that have led to the three marks on his wrist. We are seeing how many marks we can put there before he gets to come.

The woman he most often sees who isn’t me, is away, so we are doing some orgasm control like proper people. We are pretty quiet and lamecore, the way we do it. We kind of keep it in a place where we are counting days, not weeks or lunar cycles. And I like that too. I love to see him come. And Jack seems very good at being a very satisfactory amount of desperate in a very short amount of time. Because all I really care about is the begging and the wanting and the way his voice cracks when he asks to please come, and please edge, and please just be allowed to touch it. And the way he is smug about those three coloured marks on his wrist. I’d rather count those than days anyway.

But I get caught in the net. When he begs and wants and I deny I feel bad. Shouldn’t be mean to people. Shouldn’t pointlessly deny them. I have no story. No lines I can tell myself about how I’m superior, or cleverer, or betterer, or training him, or denying him for his own good somehow. I’m not stopping him from coming for his benefit but for mine. Only mine. My desire to see him suffer. To see his face twist as he fucks me, trying to keep his strokes hard and regular enough that I scream and screw up the sheets in my fists, without tipping himself over the edge.

See, ‘cause for all I say I want this to be about my pleasure. That I want to see real female sexual dominance for the sake of the real pleasure involved. For the feelings of seeing him suffer. There are so many reasons why it is just more palatable to find another explanations. For all I say that society finds doing it for money is so much more acceptable than doing it for blood-and-guts-sadism, I realise soon and often than I am part of society too.

I don’t like the part where this is what I desire. I often wish I could tell myself that I was denying him because he was addicted to orgasms (addicted! To healthy pleasurable sensations in your own body – might as well be addicted to breathing) or whatever asscrap it is today. That way, well, hypothetically, yes, I want this to be all about my desire, in reality, that’s hard to face. I wish my desire wasn’t this. I wish I were nice. But I’m not. And I know it’s true.

When he arrived last weekend, we had gone almost straight to bed. Both desperate to fuck, but I had asked to hurt him first. He lay on his belly and I hit him with a pink riding crop on the backs of his legs. I love his legs. His legs and arms. And his shoulders and his chest. His eyes. His jawline. His hairline. The grey through his temples. The stud through his tongue. He yelled out a lot and swore and I did it for a little longer after I thought I should stop. I felt nice, like I had pushed a little and not been too scared of myself.  After, I drew his hand inside me to show him what he had done and came quickly on his rough finger. I put the first mark on his wrist then and wrote other demeaning things on his chest. He said I had good penmanship.

I love writing on men. But whenever I write on skin I always think of that bit in Stephen Elliott’s My Girlfriend Come To The City And Beats Me Up, where she carves Possession into him and spells it wrong. But Possession is a hard word to spell. But that makes me self conscious of writing on men, ‘cause misspelling on skin would be so lame. On Sunday, after Jack leaves I feel sad and itchy. Next day (today) I look at pictures of him and send rambly emails to him at work where I can’t really say anything too filthy. I wait. I masturbate. I count the days until I see him. Until I touch him. Feel safe against his big body. Sheltered. Sometimes people say he is lucky. They don’t know Jack. I am the lucky one."

Thanks to Bitchy Jones for the following blog entry about orgasm control. Something I rather like, although I have not yet used a chastity device on a partner. Read the entire post at her site.

Although I haven't been writing much about myself and married life, I am happier than I have been in a long time. bbenn is lovely, delicious, and satisfying. The holidays were relaxing. Back to an insane work schedule in two days. Sigh.... I can't wait for Spring!

 "Along with all the other crazy larks of femdom is a thing called orgasm control. Also, and far too often, called orgasm denial. Like a lot of stuff in femdom, by far the most vocal voices are those of the men who kink for it. Men who like the idea of being restrained and controlled and owned and brutalized, like the idea of not being allowed to come. And like a lot of other things in femdom it has been stuffed full of shit, fantasized to death. It’s all about brutal devices and men not getting to come for years or forever, when the sneering she-devil locks him into a chastity belt, fills the padlock with super glue and cackles maniacally.

All this wank fantasified with no thought given as to why the fuck any woman would ever do this. Render a cock completely useless! Forever! What do these mysterious motiveless women do for an encore? Drape fabric over piano legs and ceremonially burn dildos I imagine. They are part of the dominatrixes-are-the-enemy-of-sex school. And we say *no* to the idea that being sexually dominant means not getting to be fucked. 

There is the idea that if a man gets his cock into a woman he somehow wins, so a dominant woman can never let the guy fuck her. Dammit, even celebrity blogging prodom Mistress Matisse says: ""But, in general, if you do sex with pro dom work, the submissive loses his focus and it blurs the power dynamic, especially in a male submissive/female dominant situation. Plus there’s that small matter of it being illegal, but that’s really not the main reason, since it’s also extremely rare for me to have sex with submissives in a personal (meaning: they aren’t paying me) situation.""

And along with that idea lurks a similar idea that maybe if a man comes he wins. Like somehow if the man comes the woman is automatically demeaned somehow. Like all this talk about how awful it is that men want to come on women’s faces and the criticism of that. Like anything, sure -- that can be demeaning in context. It can also be fun. It is obviously wrong to do something like that to a person if they don’t want you to. But, hell, it is wrong to kiss someone if they don’t want you to and I don’t see masses of articles online about how awful it is people want to kiss on first dates ‘cause there is all this kissing in the media.

Orgasm denial fans and facial decriers and dominant-women-should-never-have-sex claimers, here’s something you might want to know. Seeing someone you love, like or just find hot, come is fucking nice. I love to see men come. There is gay porn that is just guys jerking off and it is the hottest fucking thing. The phenomenon of women ‘faking it’ kind of exists because men like to see women come. Why wouldn’t women enjoy men coming? It’s wonderful. Like fireworks night.

In a way, not coming isn’t really so much submissive as selfish. Well, it is actually way more complicated than that. But the basic point is that there is nothing intrinsically submissive about not coming, anymore than there is about not fucking. It is only submissive if the person you are submitting to wants it. Gets off on it. Fuck, how basic is that. And I do. Get off on it, that is.

Orgasm control does have something very lovely deep in there under all the crap. Suffering. Sacrifice. Which is why, even though I love men coming, even though it is covered in offensive crap, I still fucking love orgasm control. It’s like all the other stuff in femdom. A man on his knees, in pain, is hot when you clear away all the frilly knickers and housework fetishization and stupid fucking nonsense about submitting to awe inspiring beauty and heel height. And like other stuff in femdom an attempt has been made to sell it to women, not because it turns us on ("real" dominant women don’t exist, remember), but because of all the fringe benefits.

With orgasm control that means affection. Yeah. That crap. Women don’t want sex they just want affection. Can’t we just cuddle? So slap him in a CB and he’ll be nice to you for a change. It’s not even true. No man I have ever stopped from coming has become affectionate. Turned on – yes. Frustrated – yes. Obsessed with sex – yes. Affectionate – no. And if that was the main result I wouldn’t fucking do it would I? Christ, the anti-sex, anti-women, anti-women-liking-having-sex bollocks that fuels this crap. All this crap. Why not persuade women to get into orgasm control because they might find male suffering and frustration HOT. I know that means you would have to clean it up a bit. But goddam. It just so is. Hot. Hot enough that they would even forego the goddamn fucking fun of seeing him come, of feeling him come, of watching him lick his own come up off her face, to enjoy the desperate squirming.

Of saying to him, like I said to Jack last week: You don’t get to come because you’re for sex. For me. For me to enjoy. And I want you to be hard when I want you hard. And to fuck me for as long as I want. You don’t get to come because this isn’t about you, it’s about me. And I like your cock to be hard. All the time. No matter how you might feel about that. Orgasm control then is many twisted freaky things but it is not and never ever will be about making him more affectionate. Or making him do chores. Or be nice. I don’t know, maybe I have ridiculously over inflated self esteem or something but I tend to have sex with men that do those things anyway – not in the vague hope of an orgasm. I do it because I like it. It turns me on. I find it hot. And that’s why, if you do it for me, it’s submission."

Thanks to Bitchy Jones for creating for us this Useful Dictionary of BDSM Terms. See the full text on her website. I'm in agreement with a lot of her points, although I think there are some applications for 'male' and 'female' as nouns, I like my high heels, and I do own neoprene velcro handcuffs. And they are NOT easy to get out of. Oh, and I'm not the greatest knot-tyer even though I passed the PADI advanced open water course. Taught by my ex-sub-hubby, who was a lot better at knot tying than me. But who cares about that now.

"Femdom: (a) A kind of perverted sex where women boss men around. It’s kind of an ugly word for a very lovely thing. Sometimes this word is kind of necessary though, for example in the phrase ‘All of femdom has been broken by stupid men and the asshat women they were paying to do extra fucking up of everything they didn’t have time for themselves.’ (b) Also used to mean the woman actually wearing the bossy boots. Pretty much exclusively a woman who is bossing around a man.

Mandom: Like femdom but the other way round. For example: (a) Gor; (b) man in leather waistcoat [vest] and goatee beard.

Gor: A fantastical, ultra-butch, mandom, survivalist adventure playground – sorta 'planet of the mandoms.' Supa-stupid and very, very hot *if* you flip the roles so the women are on top and the men are getting whipped furiously – much hotter than any attempt at femdoms in space. All fun and high jinks except for where it is spoiled by men who have masturbated over it so much they think we should remake the world in its image. 

Sub and dom (and domme): A sub (short for submissive) is a person who gets turned on by playing at being low status during perverted sex. A dom (short for dominant) is a person who gets turned on by playing at being high status during perverted sex. A domme is a female dom - pointless additional category for people who think we should be warned if a dominant person is - OMG! female - with a stupidly frilly word. Mostly gender specifications like this occur when the idea of a person of that sex doing that thing is so fucking OMG! – male nurse, lady doctor. Other than being sexist fucking arse-crap it has no other purpose. Unless you are playing scrabble.

Dominatrix: A dominant woman. The Latinate feminine of dominator - or something. Why this archaic ‘trix’ form persists in this word uniquely in the whole of modern English is at first glance mysterious, until you remember that dominant women are so *fucking* *classy* that Latin is practically their second language. Also – see above re: gendered words. Bletch. 

Prodom: (also prodomme, pro domme, professional dominatrix, professional pompous fucking asshat.) A woman who does dominatrixing for money. The only kind of dominant woman allowed to exist in mainstream/vanilla media. A highly over-subscribed profession due to its general vague glamorization as a source of free money. 

Amdom: (amateur dom?) A bitch who gives dominatrixing away for free like some kind of crazy fule. 

Dominixtrix: A slightly amusing mispronunciation of dominatrix that I have become rather fond of.

Domina/Dominatrice/Dominanana: Pointless fucking noise. 

Top and bottom: People who do subbing and domming stuff but not in a submissive or dominant way. They hit people/get hit and tie people/get tied but they don’t really enjoy it. They just do it for the exercise or something. Whatever, but no matter how much context you have these words always sound ambiguous. Anyone saying ‘I’m a top’ or ‘I’m a bottom’ deserves the response, ‘You’re a what?’ ‘Hi, I’m Timothy and this is my bottom, Francesca.’ 

Mistress: A word that, if it ever had any erotic potential, has been completely destroyed by the femdom destroying triptych of femdom porn, prodoms and porn-drunk submissive men who write about their S.O. on their blogs like this, ‘Mistress said we should go to the shops.’ Mistress is not her fucking name. Stop wanking and remember she’s a human-fucking-being. 

Master: Master is kind of less pompous and assy than Mistress. Some women call themselves Master – but that just seems kind of stupid. It seems just as stupid to masculinise yourself as to over emphasise the fact you are a woman. All of femdom is so screwy with gender. Course a lot of mandoms use the title ‘Master’. It’s a common kind of thing. And by common I mean both frequently occurring and a little vulgar. A lot of mandoms are wankers. So I like to imagine their second names are Bator. I just imagine this in my head, though. I do not like confrontation. 

Honourifics: Stupid ass titles (e.g., lady, milady, duchess, evil-overlady-of-the-mostest-evil-empire) that femdoms give themselves so you can tell what asshats they are. 

Goddess: The most stupid honourific – coveys a nasty untouchable, sacred, not-getting-fucked-hard vibe. 

Male: God, god, god! What is wrong with people? Male is not a noun. It is an adjective. You are not a submissive male, you are a submissive man or a submissive male human. Or perhaps a submissive male gorilla – which would be sort of hot. 

Female: Similarly I am a dominant woman not a fucking dominant female. I am sick of reading men’s opinions about ‘females’ – what, you can’t type women? Your keyboard missing the W? 

BDSM: This stands for bondage and discipline and domination and submission and sadism and masochism. This is obviously stupid as there are not enough letters and it is hard to understand and it is a horrible ugly string of consonants that sounds like an electronics company. 

FUCKING CAPS LOCK PROTOCOL/SHIFT KEY ABUSE: Some people like to use capital letters to show how fucking dominant they are. The first thing you might notice when you encounter such a person is that the word dominant is written with a capital letter at the start and submissive with a lower case later. This is the first sign you should start backing away slowly. Next we see pronouns like He, She and You capped up when they refer to a dominant person and capped down for submissive people. ‘i am so submissive’. Firstly, it’s hideous and secondly it’s stupid - only stupid people do this because they they are missing the point that people read by skimming the text for significant capitalised key words. That is why stuff written like this makes you feel weird when you read it. 

Bondage: A over complicated way of stopping another person moving about - skill in which is the source of about 48% of all dom boasting. Sometimes the various ways of tying someone up get called by Japanese names because non-western cultures are more exotic and therefore cooler and making Japanese people seem they are all into weird/perverted/exotica sex is the kind of casual racism that never gets called racism in kinkland. And probably a lot of other places too. 

Dom boasting: Because dominant sexuality is so fucking fragile a lot of dominant people spend a lot of time boasting about how good they are at tying people up, doing whips, doing electrics or sounds, how much fucking *stuff* they have. How many Japanese words they know for bondaging. How well equipped their dungeons are. How long they have been doing perverted sex. Etcetera, etcetera, et-fucking-cetera. Like there are only allowed to be so many doms in the world and we are all competing for those valuable places on the over-sub-scribed dom bus to perverted sex nirvana.

The Femdom Demographic Issue: The lie that there are way more male submissives than female dominants. Good for business if you are a prodom. This lie is big player in the spoiling of all of femdom.

Tributes: What dominatrixes call the money and other consumer goods men give them in exchange for perverted sex. 

Thigh boots: Being able to bend at the knee is nice. It’s a design feature of legs. Thigh boots are for fancy dress. 

High Heels: High heels are kind of interesting. I hate them – but I’ll still let them be interesting. Female submissive often wear them because they are uncomfortable and the super high ones are practically bondage. Dominatrixes often wear them because they are associated with feminine beauty. But like so much stuff about feminine beauty they are about vulnerability. And vulnerable women don’t look very dominant to me. They also hurt. All kinds. All feet. They are not nice. If you want your legs to look longer – try stilts. If you want to be taller – try standing on a box. 

Ballet Boots: These are really high shoes with the foot held en pointe like a ballerina. You can’t actually walk in these. Unless you can. In which case you won’t be able to walk at all later in life. 

Polyamory: Having two boyfriends. Well, maybe it’s more complicated than that - having sexual/emotional relationships with more than one person. Having two boyfriends.

The internet: A bunch of computers connected together by phones. Good for finding other people to have perverted sex with as you have the whole universe to pick from. You would think this fact would also mean there would be some okay porn on there for dominant women, what with the whole universe thing. You’d be thinking fucking wrong. 

Handcuffs: What there is for people who don’t tie good knots. 

Velcro handcuffs: What there is for people who don’t tie good knots or care whether he can actually escape or not. 

Fluffy handcuffs: A stupid pointless thing that has no sane reason to exist anywhere in the universe. 

Watersports: Pissing around with piss. How annoyed must wind surfers and pedalo enthusiasts be that perverted people have taken the name of their hobby to mean sex + urine? It’s not even very accurate. I mean, surely, the whole point is that it *isn’t* water. How far do you think you’d get menacingly threatening to make a man drink nothing but – OMG – *water* for an entire day. Not very far is my guess. Unless he was an alcoholic. Also, really hard to see quite how it’s a sport. How do you win? I like winning things."

[To read the dictionary in its entirety, do a google search for Bitchy Jones' Diary.]

I'd like to share a post on orgasm control/T&D that was posted by Eileen on her blog, "A Place to Draw Blood Laughing." Very nice, and comes at a good time for me, as I have had my mind on T&D a lot lately. Well, on D/s sex in general. Actually that just means slightly more than usual, as I am thinking about this stuff almost all the time anyway. The post is called "I Keep It," and here's an excerpt:

"Orgasm control makes all your buttons bigger. May often speaks about how he feels the responses in his body heighten when he spends time in chastity. He likes to mention that it feels nice when I run a hand down his cheek, but if he's aroused and longing the nice feeling becomes a bolt of lighting. Imagine the appeal to me as a reaction top if the gentle touch of my hand makes him gasp as though he's been touched by lighting. I have brought May to his knees in desperation using the tips of my fingers. Every shudder is thrilling, every whimper a shock. I have made him squirm in public places, and cry with need. 

There are many reasons to practice orgasm control. You may notice I use "teasing and denial" and "orgasm control" interchangeably. I'm not one for locking my boy up and leaving him to stew. I like sexual contact, and I often get caught up in the paradox of denial wherein denying my touch to him also means denying his touch to me. Especially when kissing. 

Often orgasm control is considered a part of a D/s relationship used to reinforce a hierarchy. Power. Power is nice. Often (especially in situations of forced chastity) it's used to keep a submissive under control. Control is nice as well. But it's the arousal that gets me in the chest. The lust. Remember I mentioned how hard it is for people to articulate what they like? In the ongoing give and take of ideas, listening to conversations and gleaning information subtly is an engaging intellectual challenge. I have to admit though, sometimes nothing compares to tying a submissive down and just forcing the fantasies out, all wrapped up in trembly words and moaning. It's amazing what people will tell you when lust has broken down those polite barriers in our brains. 

Clearly I kink hard on all of this, but as I mentioned, I don't talk about it all that much. This is because I rarely remember it as a separate kink. It seems an obvious extension of how I relate to my submissive partners. Much in the way that my kinky identity is continual, and much in the way that my conversations bleed into negotiation, sexual teasing is simply part of the way that I have sex. I don't play sexually with all of my partners. When I do play sexually, however, teasing my submissive seems the most natural thing in the world.

The first time I kept a man in denial I didn't even realize I was doing it. He was staying with me, we were playing and on the last day of his visit I turned to him and said, "Why are you so squirmy?" "I haven't come in five days!" he cried. "Oh," I said. "Right." I laughed at myself sheepishly, but internally my mind was ticking. If I let you come, you won't be squirmy any more. Bright flashing buttons on a lustful, writhing submissive toy. Life doesn't get any better than this.

Submissive men: Please read! Please, you need to know this!! 

Another awesome cross-post from Bitchy Jones. Thank you Bitchy, for putting so many of my own feelings into such eloquent and direct language. And letting me share them.

 Bitchy Jones writes: "Femdom is just full of ick. Yeah, still, and I’ve been writing this moderately popular blog for months now. Who’s still not listening? Still being ick? For a type of sex, it really isn’t very fucking sexy is it? No wonder we’re the laughing stock of all of the everyone else. 

"And you know what’s fucked the most? The language. Want to know why? Because femdom was conceived, written and directed by submissive men who conveniently forgot to ask the opinions of any women except the ones who were being paid to agree with them. 

"And men are world champions at desexifying the language they use to talk about sex. Pick up a mainstream porn mag aimed at men (that’s all of them so it won’t be difficult). Read two lines at random. My point made, I think. 

"Let’s sort this. There are so many pugly phrases - "pussy worship" and "golden nectar" and "whip wielding she-devil of the male bottom’s deepest dreams." But let’s not start there. A while back I did 12 words that were the sexiest. So now let’s take a look at some words that need to stop being used in femdom for-fucking-ever. 

1. Pathetic. Just no. (With a side order of why?) Fuck. Don’t call yourself this. Don’t have sex with someone who calls you this. "Do you really need me to tell you that patheticness is not attractive? Do you really need me to tell you that when I’m cruising the streets of my imagination in my white transit van for abduction victims, I am *not* on the lookout for the most pathetic looking guy I can find? I want to *need* all that metal bondage gear. This is stupid. Fucking pathetic. "Whenever you feel the urge to describe yourself as pathetic – perhaps in order to impress some poor woman - describe yourself as attractive instead. Or tautly muscular. Or bursting with the need to take your big work-wrought body and present it on its knees to a woman who can only love through cruelty. You know, that sort of thing. Or, you know, just be more fucking sexy, fuckface. 

2. Cum. Stop saying this. In fact, it barely qualifies for the list as it is not a word. This is a word: come. "I’m all for making up words, but cum is not even pretty. It nt in the mouth from come. And I like the way come feels in my mouth.

3. Slut. I mean slut for the guy. It’s just confusing. You are not a slut. If anyone is a fucking slut around here it is me. "Cock loving slut? Yep, me. Come-covered cock-loving slut? Yep, still me, baby. You see how this is going to get confusing if we call *you* slut? A slut is exactly a woman like me who loves cock. Who loves to be on her back. Um… "You can be man-slut or fucking bastard. (Love a fucking bastard on his knees.) Maybe, maybe you can be bitch – in that prison bitch kind of a way. But you’re not a slut. I am. And I’m proud of it. 

4. Goddess. I’m itchy around honorifics. This could have been mistress. But goddess gives me ewies for very specific reasons. I’m not a goddess. Not pure and beautiful. I’m all dirty and got made wrong. Don’t deify me. The virgin fucking Mary don’t live here anymore. "Way I see it – try this for size: You’re not submitting to a goddess, but to a woman. Yes, a woman. Scary, huh? Nothing special. No super powers. Weaker and smaller. A woman. You’re not entranced or overpowered. You’re *letting* an ordinary woman do this to you. You want it. You sexy fuck. 

5. Training. Okay, let’s disclaim up front. I’m all for a nasty male slave-training academy fantasy. All over that like an antibiotic resistant super bug. I love a fantasy where some hot slave of mine is so badly behaved I have to pack him up in a box and cry as I send him off to a place where he is starved and beaten and heartlessly-used to the point that when he comes back he is so *fucking* pleased to see clumsy compassionate dumb old me. "But that’s not really training is it? That’s just punitive wank fantasy. And that, baby, that is where I live. So what the hell is slave training? 

"Yeah, okay, I realise it is kind of harsh, banning words just ’cause I don’t know what they mean. But, look, it’s one way. Explain them to me and maybe you get them back. Fair? "Cause you know, it isn’t very often but once or twice I will get asked if I ‘do’ slave training. And, really, how the fuck do I know? I don’t know what it is. Maybe I *do* do it. "I’m not sure. What is it?" "Well it’s like, training me, to be a slave." "Why do I need to train you? Are you going to do what I say or not?" "Is it a thing where he acts all bratty and then eventually get broken by horrible treatment. That sounds nice. Is it that? Is it? 

"Is it that thing where the dominant trains the submissive to come to a vocal command? Which is cute – but possibly the most pointless, time-consuming thing I have ever heard of, unless you are a behavioural psychologist after an attention-grabbing research paper.

"And are you training these slaves for yourself or someone else? I wouldn’t want anyone to train a slave for me. How do you know what I want? Universal, one-size-fits-all-doms training? That smells a bit one true way to me. Mind you, it is probably just a sex game. Which is fine and all – but stop confounding me about it.

6. Subby. I *hate* this. God, like an explosion of hate in a hate factory. (Did that work? Let it fly, I’m angry.) "I hate the automatic infantilisation of the submissive. I don’t mean the whole thing with the whole ‘hello, I am wearing a huge nappy,’ type thing. "Nah. What I hate is the thing where the submissive is treated like a child and the dom is expected to act like a parent. And I don’t mean like daddy/girl thing, either. I fucking like daddy/girl – in my own sweet way. Submissives who can wrap their brains around me calling them daddy have my heart in a gift box. "I’m sorry, daddy, I’m going to hurt you now… Be good for me, daddy… Be brave…Oh, daddy you look so pretty with your lip split open…" "Nah. I mean that whole thing where the submissive guy is called subby – reduced with a diminutive like a child or a pet or a precious. No. 

"The other day a submissive man I was talking to referred to himself as a ‘hapless subby‘. God, and he reads this sometimes. Sorry, you know I love you – but that subby thing needs to stop. Especially ‘hapless’ – darling, you’re trying to seduce me. This is not the way. 

"I am not one for giving advice to male submissives about how to attract ‘dommes’. You know. Like that stuff about not calling yourself pathetic earlier. (You knew. You just like doing it - makes your dick hard.) 

"But, god, be sexually attractive if you want people to want to have sex with you. Fuck it. Be sexy. Jesus. Stop being anti-sex, the opposite of sex. Stop this I-get-off-on-how-little-women-want-to-have-sex-with-me shit. Therefore don’t fucking call yourself a ’subby’. You’re a man. Older, wiser, bigger than me. I *like* that. 

"Remember the whole deal about power exchange is the more power you have to give the hotter it is. Store it all up to *give* to me. Don’t let it leak away in the way you present yourself.  That moment, that moment right before you submit, I want you to be the most powerful you can be. I want to look at you and wonder for a second if there is any way a big arrogant man like you could ever go down. A little smirk. A little tease. A little Will I? Will I? Make me think, even just for a second, that I’ve made a big mistake. 

"And then, when you do go down! Oh! My man, big man, big and powerful, offering everything as the cuffs go on big thick wrists – magical bliss time galore. 

"Here’s what I like. I like submissive men. See, you’re already winning over those bastards who can’t do what you do. "This is the reason why I wasn’t on the last plane out of this dump. I can’t give this shit up. (Although – let’s tell some truth – I stand right over by the door a lot of the time. Maybe one day I’ll be able to join in properly. But there are still bags and bags of stuff I can’t cope with, from the prodoms and horrid strap-ons and feminisation-maids that represent me to the fact that in a lot of kinky places that shit is a blessed relief from the everything-else stifling wave of mandom.) But, yes, I am here, confused and weird and not really knowing if I should stay or go, but I’m still fucking here because I love what you do. I love male fucking submission. And looks like it’s a fucking life sentence. 

"I like men to *say* they’re submissive. I don’t mean tick a box on a profile. Or wear a collar. Or stand. Or kneel. Or call me mistress. I mean *say* it. I love it when they say it. Come say it in my comment box - give me a little thrill. 

"There was a time – I may have mentioned it – when Mr Blue Sky said to me in an email ‘I’m a submissive and that’s why‘ in answer to some strange question of mine. It floored me. So simple. Turns me the fuck on and inside out. "And it wouldn’t have worked if he’d said ‘subby‘."

I read Bitchy Jones' Diary, and her sphere of opinion about BDSM as a dominant woman intersects about 90% with mine (think Venn diagram). With permission, I am posting her latest rant which touches so many points dear to my sadistic, loving heart. Bitchy, you go girl! 

"Male submission is not female submission. Does not need to be. And the thing about female submission is that it is so fucking everywhere. Draped about the place. I see about twenty trillion-gazillion pictures of women tied up every day just surfing about. And I am not going *looking* for distressed damsels. I am not surfing porn sites. I just surf sex blogs and kinky community sites - where usually the first thing that seems to have been done for this ‘community’ is to assume everyone is a male dom. I don’t know about you, but I really do find that very welcoming and community-y. 

"Tied up women are like the default image for kink. Oh yeah, you're kinky, you’ll be wanting some pictures of tied up women then. 

"Homophobia/misogyny/heterosexism/patriachy .... Here’s the shitty little deal. In kink porn everyone looks at the sub. They are the ones with the fancy bondage and the pained expressions and the fireworks up their arses. If you’re a dom you look at the sub and imagine you’re topping them, if you’re a sub you look at the sub and imagine you *are* them. Everyone’s gaze falls naturally onto the sub. 

"Now, here’s where everyone comes unstuck trying to make F/m porn. No pornographer on the face of the earth can get his pretty little head around making porn where we naturally look at the man rather than the woman. Therefore (stay with me) it is actually completely *impossible* to make F/m porn.  So they hardly bother. (And when they do the point of focus tends to go a bit wangy.) 

"Instead they mostly make F/f instead for femdom, ’cause that’s kind of the same (if you ignore me and anyone like me) and then you have dom woman stuff but – wahey - the sub is a woman and we are all looking at a woman and - phew! – heterosexuality (that delicate flower) has been saved once again from the ravages of men looking at other men and feeling slightly aroused.  (Psst - Tell you what, girls, we’ll file all the naked men under gay porn. You can go there and the straight guys will know not to look at that. That okay? I mean, it’s not offensive or anything to mark all porn featuring men as homoerotic. Like women don’t fucking exist as viewers. Fuck. As if women’s only role is to be *in* the porn. You utter cunts. God, sometimes, I really do hate everything in this misogynistic wankfest that calls itself bee-dee-ess-em). 

"But, you know, what with that being the situation, who is surprised if male submissives have got confused and ended up thinking that, oh, if I want to get tied up, I better do a bit of gender fuckery. Hold it right there, mister.  Because what you’re about to do. It makes no sense. You don’t need to feminise yourself to submit - outside or in. That isn’t what submission is. That isn’t a more acceptable face of submission that you can wear to avoid being gimpy boy.

"Witness the difference between male doms dressing their subs in slutty lingerie and female doms doing the same. With Mr. Sir the expectation is that he is clearly making his girl wear hooker-wear because it gets his dick hard. Hooker-wear does indeed get men’s dicks hard – that kind of being the point of why hookers wear it. But when a woman humiliates her man with same slut-o-wear how is her sexuality being served? 

"Men, if you want to dress like a slut, (i.e you want to dress like your desperate screaming need for sexual humiliation overwhelms and degrades you – and really, please do) dress like a man-slut, damnit. Wear a white jockstrap and big black boots and a collar and shave your head and get some bits of metal slammed through your strategic points of interest. Yeah, you will look kinda gay. That is because gay men know how to sexualise men. In fact, if you look gay you’re doing it right. 

"Male submission is a masculine thing. You don’t need to be anything but you. And you know that thing you have between your legs that gets hard and demonstrates very visibly (and sometimes wetly) that you are aroused by your degradation. Yeah, that. Oh, baby – you had me at hello. 

"But joysticks aside, male subs are heroes. Everything we are ever told about good wholesome pure beautiful masculinity - everything women are taught to fall in love with about men - is right there in the bloody beating heart of male submission.  There isn’t a story of heroism ever told where the hero wasn’t a gorgeous fucking male submissive. And I’m going to fucking prove it. 

"The only difference between male submissives and every hero of every story is the part where the woman gets turned on by what my hero does. Because, as we know the part of every story where the man gets tortured and the woman gets wet has been erased in case male submissives find out we exist and start feeling okay about themselves. This would, unfortunately, destroy the world faster than China’s industrialisation.

"Submissive men are heroes. Every time they take off their clothes. Which they should do both frequently and often.  Look, Prometheus stole fire for humans and was, in retaliation, tortured daily for 30,000 years (s&m). Atlas holds up the fucking sky on his shoulders (predicament bondage).  And then there’s Jesus Christ. Where to begin? Sacrifice? Submission? Dying for all our sins? Nails? Hot jewish guy in pain and mostly naked? My god, my god, why have you forsaken me? He safewords on the cross! I fucking loved Sunday school. 

"Do you see what page I’m on? Every story of heroism. From then to now.  Dr. Jack says to the evil ‘others’ in Lost – let my friends go and you can do what you want with me. Angel goes back to fight in the Ring even when he could walk free because he can’t leave the other demons to their fate. Goddamnit, Indy, where **doesn’t** it hurt? 

"Oh yes, men suffering, every hero. It’s not that big a step from here to men locked in CBs, tied up in stress positions, clamped and weighted, begging for the strap, the cane, the gag, hurt and cut and burned and bruised and sweating... Because that is it. It. That is why this stuff is so delicious like molten sugar and gold. What man doesn’t want to show what a man he is? Doesn't want to demonstrate his machismo *like* *this*?

"Male submission has a big image problem. Because how else are women failing to go nuts over men who are brave and gorgeous and fucked up and bloody when they clearly love it everywhere else but kink. Hard and hurting and desperate to prove how deep his love goes?

And the images we use to represent kink might have something to do with that."