8/10/2010 8:07:15 PM: Yeah, I like the way you do that. Ooooooh, that's good. Slow down -- slow down -- don't go too fast -- you don't want to spray white goo everywhere, do you?Yeah, long, smooth strokes. Yeah. Yeah.Hold it tight. That's it. That's it.Ooh. Done.Tomorrow we'll spray the lacquer coating on and it'll look really nice. You are a good painter.

8/7/2007 10:30:15 PM: [ANNOUNCER] And now, the 'Masterpiece Theater' presentation of 'Dirty Talk, Volume One: Your Government and You.' [ET] Hello, Mrs Smith? My name is Edward Thalheimer. I'm from the IRS. We need to talk. [YOU] Oh no. No. No. You must be mistaken. This can't be right. (He removes his coat and rolls up his sleeves.) [ET] There's no mistake, Mrs Smith; the IRS does not make mistakes. (She looks around the room frantically, searching for a weapon.) [YOU] Oh I, I assure you the check is in the mail. [ET] Gee. I've never heard *that* one before. (He pulls surgical gloves onto his hands and moves toward her.) (She clutches a letter opener and conceals it behind her as she backs away from his advance.) [YOU] I'm sorry. I, I'll cooperate. I'll do anything you say. [ET] Yes. Yes you will. (He raises his hand to her throat. She thrusts the letter opener at his chest but he grabs her wrist, stopping the blow.) [ET] You *are* a bad girl. (He turns her wrist until she can no longer keep hold of the letter opener. It slips from her grasp and impales itself into the floor. He continues to turn her arm, forcing her to her knees, her back against a wooden table. Her turns her facing the table, then takes the letter opener and pins the sleeve of her blouse to the table top. Holding down her other arm he pulls a stiletto from his pocket, clicks it open menacingly in her face and uses it to nail her other sleeve to the table. He sinks to his knees, his body pressed against her. He kisses her neck, then puts his hand on her stomach and slides it over the fine silk and cups her breast. He pulls the hair away from her ear and whispers.) [ET] Now I'm going to do to you what you've been doing to the people of America all these years. [YOU] But I, I'm not a trial lawyer any more. I'm not like that any more. [ET] You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. [YOU] No! Please, I beg you; no! (He stands, takes the hem of her skirt, pulls it taught, then rips it from her. He speaks loudly now.) [ET] You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you at interrogation time and at court. (She weeps inconsolably.) [ET] Don't worry, Mrs Smith; I'm from the IRS. I'm here to help you. (Fade to black.) [ANNOUNCER] Join us next week for part two of 'Your Government and You,' brought to you by H&R Block.

2/3/2007 11:56:48 AM: Well, anyway . . . she's screaming 'pull it out, pull it out!' and I'm like 'no way bitch; I'm not done. And again she's screaming 'pull it out, pull it out! It's too big!' and I say 'shut up, you asked for it. But she keeps whining 'pull it out, pull it out!' so I yank it out and hold it in her face. Her eyes grow wide with fear, 'no,' she cries; 'please, no; don't do that.' I tangle my fingers into her hair until I have a tight grip against her scalp. I ease her down to her knees. 'No. Please, no.' I force it into her mouth and it oozes out over her lips and runs down her chin and onto the floor. 'See, the banana nut bread was NOT cooked enough. It's still gooey on the inside.' We put it back in the oven and baked it another ten minutes and it was just right. How was your weekend?

1/30/2007 3:26:26 PM: Great news! The penis reduction surgery went well and I can now safely say that no more innocent women need perish. Thank you, Jesus.