5/16/2016 3:47:37 PM: A  married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I  almost had an affair with another woman.'    The priest said, 'What  do you mean, almost?'   The Irishman said,  'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'   The priest said,  'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that  woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'   The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.   He paused for a moment and then started to leave.   The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'   The Irishman replied,  'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'   ------------------------------------------------------------    Lemon  SqueezeThere  once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering  the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have  sinned.'    The  priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'     The young woman said,  'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven  times.'   The priest  thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass  and then drink the juice.'   The young woman asked,  'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'   The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'   ------------------------------------------------------------ Catholic  DogMuldoon  lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,  'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin’ a mass for the poor  creature?'   Father  Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal  in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no  tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'   Muldoon  said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'   Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet  Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?   ------------------------------------------------------------    DonationFather  O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'   'It is!'   'This is the Taxation Department. Can  you help us?'   'I'll try!'         'Do  you know a Ted Houlihan?'    'I do!'   'Is he a member of your congregation?'   'He is!'   'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'   'He will!'        ------------------------------------------------------------    ConfessionAn elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:       Man: 'I am  92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two  hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'   Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'   Man: 'What sins?'   Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'   Man:  'I'm Jewish.'   Priest: 'Why are you  telling me all this?'   Man: 'I'm 92 years old  . . .   I'm telling everybody!'   ------------------------------------------------------------    Brothel  Trip   An  elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a  young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and  asks how old he is.   'I'm 90 years old,' he  says.   '90?'  replies the woman. 'Don't you realize that you've had it?'   'Oh, sorry,' says the  old man. 'How much do I owe you?'   ------------------------------------------------------------    SenilityAn  elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting  senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip  up.'          'That's  not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'    ------------------------------------------------------------    Pest  ControlA  woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a  pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom  together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.   'Quick,'  said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.   The husband, however, became suspicious  and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the  closet. 'Who  are you?' he asked him.   'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said  the exterminator.    'What  are you doing in there?' the husband asked.   'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.   'And where are your  clothes?' asked the husband.   The man looked down at  himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '    ------------------------------------------------------------ Marriage  Humour Wife: 'What  are you doing?' Husband: Nothing.

8/14/2008 7:53:24 PM: The joke that I posted on 7-29 was found on a Sub's web site on Collarme.  I forgot to mention her to give her credit.  So, I here by credit her with providing the plagerized joke. 

7/29/2008 9:38:39 AM: A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have big boobs. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

7/14/2008 10:50:03 AM: I would like to enlighten some of you with a bit of info regarding any comments about ‘one liners’. Guys (at least me) find it hard to pick a topic out of the blue and then write 500 words on it when we (I) don't even know if the sub is interested or if she is a blond and can't read. (that is a blond joke, don't take it personal). I use one liners as an ice breaker. If a guy sends a one liner he (ME) is looking for an opening that he can expound on and start a conversation, I repeat; start a conversation. A conversation takes two. If you expect a novella you will get a self centered rambling blurb about ones self and totally one sided. So, if you want to get to know me send me a topic (if your not a blond-another blond joke) and we will have and start a conversation. And comments about spelling are on the same level, they show an ignorant point of view that spelling is some how linked to intelligence. That is as dumb as the opinion is stupid and uninformed.