2/27/2022 1:21:40 PM: I told her to sleep on the rug next to my bed, i think it was a mistake. She was open vulnerable, tender,  in need of assurance, tenderness not to be push away. Yeah i fuck up i was 26 not an excuse but a reason for my stupidity. she was 33 with two kids, a bubbly  personality with a bit of a mom belly,  hips that she did not recognized and stretch marks that she pretended that was not hers. She was in the wrong body, wrong life, with responsibilities that she resented. I was more than just a good fuck, or s strong hand, i was to dumb to inexperience to know what she needed me to be. I was coming down my high my dick was no longer hard my senses no longer had  a hold of me, she was a mess, sweat, tears and all other liquids was emanating from her. Why did i do the things that i did? and why in the hell did she let me? i was mad at myself for letting that side of me take hold. She was still panting mascara running, with her two hands between her thighs digging in the rub with her hollow eyes peering up at me on the bed. 'Stop trying to read me' her breathing was starting to slow down ' I'm not' she answered. sweat running down her welted breast mouth slightly agape, her tongue scoop something up from the corner of her mouth as she reach her forehead and pull her greasy, sticky hair back, with both eyes close she moan. Dam she makes it to easy for me. Her other hand reach for the comforter between my legs, i swatted it away, 'your sleeping on the floor tonight' her face responded with confusion but her eyes with hurt. I't was suppose to be after care, holding, assurance that she was mine and no ones else. pride, selfishness and ego mix with lust, testosterone is the recipe for beguile stupidity. i can tell that i was scarring her. I toss her a blanket and a pillow of the bed and told her, ' go wash your ass.' It was the mixture of coco chanel, sweat, semen, funk me, jell, among's other things that was aggravating  my mood.' your mad at me?'  she ask without making eye contact. head down hair covering her face but i knew she was sobbing. Reaching up she grab both of my hands, 'you enjoyed this, we both did, you know i wanted this, I need you, don't push me away.' Lips quivering along with the rest of her. In her state of panic she look pathetic, weak, 'I belong to you and only you' she sniffled. Those emotional tears started moving me. ' you've lowered and debased me, I'm no good for anyone else, i'm yours.' she poured it on the more she felt me grow. I reach down to the left of her and grab the rope, less then three seconds i had both her wrist loop and tied. shock by my aggression and speed, she wince in pain. In one swift motion i had the rope over the harness on my ceiling. she was on her toes, armed stretched to the ceiling back arch ass out. 'Hey man you want us to leave?' said one of the fellows in the living room, 'yeah make sure not to forget or leave anything behind.' 

1/28/2018 10:07:00 AM: 'Depravity' her words not mines, ' a constant state of depravity' she said to be exact, this was not our usual tied, whip and fuck session. I needed to get deep in her head, to know exactly what it is I was dealing with. She was in a Nadu  position with candles all about her.'I'ts hard to explain... I'ts even harder for one to admit it to themselves' she went on. 'you know how in school you would hear stories about the girl who did the football team or whatever?... well I was that girl.' as she sigh. 'well maybe not the whole football team, a few and maybe a friend.' She over steps and lookup, catching my gaze, maybe to see if i was repulse or judging her with my eyes. I reacted by striking her with my whip, she whence in pain briefly and then regain her composure.    Go on i said as i place my foot on her thigh. ' I was young and naive, well not all that naive, one way or another i would find myself in some compromise position.' she stop shook her head I can tell that she's coming to some conclusion about herself that she was not all to comfortable sharing. 'Get the fuck on with it' i commended. ' Like i would be the last girl at the party when most of my friends or either past out or gone home and i would be seating there nursing a bottle and looking at the remaining guys like.. ok what now?' she giggled and continued ' I love it, i love being in the center of all that attention, the reaching and pulling, the grabbing and all that frenetic lust.' she was in a daze now as she spoke and i somehow had faded out, as her memories became more vivid.    'Yeah i love it, dam! every aspect of it, from the grunting, the smell, the energy is so intense, everyone is trying to make sure they get a piece before someone or something happened to put an end to their fun.' she smiled ' or maybe they thought i would come to my senses and stop them.'                                                                                                 'Even with the lows i would continue to find myself being the only girl being invited to watch the game or coming over my boyfriend house with one of his closes buddies hanging around.' Low? I ask ' yes... you know.' she look down at her hands. 'no i don't know.' 'Well after, the looks, the rumors, the girlfriends.' she laugh, ' I call it the fallout.'That's it that exactly what i  wanted a way in, so i press on, 'tell me more of the fallout.''It's the way they would look at me after, the way they would talk about me, treat me like i was subhuman, worst was the lost of friends, especially my besty Jess.' she stop swallowed before continuing.'It happened at Jess apartment she had a couple of people over for karaoke and drinks, one guy in particular she was crushing on was mike, most of her guess had staggered out by three in the morning and she past out stone cold drunk in the living room. As usual i was tipsy horny and holding court with mike and his plus one to the party. I don't remember who started what, or how i ended up being spit roast by mike and his friend, i do remember the look of horror on Jess face as she stare once up from her drunken stupor, but i did not stop. Jess who stood by me, denounce, deflect rumors since high school, i did not care to stop.''why?' i ask.'Wow how do I answer that? maybe selfish? not a good person.... no it's more than that, i was in my element, i  felt complete and happy in that constant state of depravity.'

1/16/2013 10:32:15 PM:   DISCLAIMER For the love of all that is secret do not contact me and waist my time if you are: Crazy. A liar. Delusional. On medication. Or need to be on medication. The pictures on your profile are not you. You are only looking for online play? Looking for some dirty talk to rub one off. If you have a dick or don’t want anything to do with one. If your looking for friends only, join myspace or open a facebook account. If your pic are five years old, then you are contacting me five years to late. I’m not a telepath nor do I have telekinesis abilities, you reach out to me with a few words, pasting together a few sentences and impatiently await my diagnosis. I’m not Frued nor am I a physician I can’t prescribed you a couple of spankings some hair pulling, some ruff sex and have you call me in the morning. After living a non existence life, going through the day to day motions of life like a gerbil on a ferries wheel. Being in relationships with those that are incapable of understanding you, incapable of finding your pulse. The frustration of not being able to articulate your true desires. Loathing him for not being more assertive, to have his way with you even against your will. You Have found your way here to the lifestyle, to the calling, to CM. Now you wait for me to say the perfect thing to combat your anxieties and fears, fears of submitting, fears of lustfull pleasures. On the ledge silently impatiently you wait. 

1/1/2013 11:36:45 PM: She came to me out of necessity out of desperation she came to me soul full of needs heart full of desires head full of confussion she came to me. At first I thought her profile was a fake so many scams on this website. She later explain why her profile was so abscured, she is married and wanted to protect her identity. She gave me a brief history on how her journey down the rabbit hole led to CM, (it’s funny how one way or another, if you belong to this lifestyle you find your way here).   “ All my life i’ve been a good girl, a good girl for my mom and dad” she explained. “I did as I was told, all the while my younger sister did all the partying,all the whoring, I envied her boldness her freedom, but it was not my roll to play she was the wild child I was the good one.” I lisend intensely to what she said also to what was not being said. “Later on I got married and I'm a good wife to my husband. Shortly after a good mother to my daughter. I'm being good to everybody but myself, I felt like I'm living the wrong life, my happiness is full with inner sadness. My husband is weak, I hated him for what he cannot be, his love making is inept, i view him as a scoccer mom,” All her emotions came pouring out as she spoke, she was starting to sobbed she was vulnerable.I reach behind the nape of her neck and began to stroke, until I had a handful of her hair that I pulled back guiding her head toward mine. She reacted by moaning and bearing her teeth in pain. “ And what is it you want from me.” I whispered in her ear. “I want you to set me free daddy” she grunded back. “yeah, how am I suppose to do that?” I demanded. “ By making me bad, I want you to use me, use me hard daddy.” She whimpered “ Yeah is that what you want or what you need.” I press on. “Daddy I stop being able to make that disdinguishment a long time ago” she answerd.

12/29/2012 4:29:03 PM: It's late and my restlessness is building into anxiety. I'm trying to be patient and reassure her, guide her, mentor her. It's one step forward and two steps back, she's scared to answer her true calling, she's scared to give into her desires. She wants to play online, dance near the line, play with fire and get goose bumps rather than stepping in and allowing the fire to consume her. I wait, for what i need from her cannot be taken it have to be given. In my s solitude bound by rules of engagements Mr Hyde waits, in the dark teeth bear he waits for her curiosity to peek.