Wow, I look back and think that it has been a very long time since I have wrote anything here.  Not that people pay attention to what people write about, but because I used to write here to express how I was feeling and what I was mentally going through being a submissive in this realm of impossibilities.

I have gone through a lot since September, I have been through several surgeries, with the eventual loss of my right foot, I have gone through physical therapy and a very long waiting process to get the prosthetic started.

Since then my desire to find someone , rather my wanting to find someone has been even more impossible then it was before.  Before when I was looking, I just had to deal with being a BBW..which is already hard enough, through being an amputee in the mix and well who knows when and if I will ever meet that someone that truly looks at the contents of the envelope more then the envelope itself...

I am frustrated and sad, a little depressed but I have to say blessed as well.  To have those in my life that love me no matter what happens to my outsides.  For that I remain ever hopeful.

~Muse

Sighs...

I was thinking of what i wanted to journal about...the fact that i just met another "Dominant' who turned out to be a prime candidate for electric shock therapy? Nah, ever has their stories of woe and heartache here, unfortunately those far outweigh the ones of the happily ever afters so i guess, as i am feeling down, i will just right something about me.

Love me when I'm empty.

I like being alone. Which does not mean i like being lonely. My life is myriad of experiences and feelings that are all my own. My private thoughts, hopes, and aspirations often staying with myself for if i share them, they could be judged and found unworthy and that would crush my tenacious yet sometimes very vulnerable spirit.

I am not collared, nor am i owned in the D/s terminology, however, very crucial pieces of my heart are owned by a very select few, the only label it needs is Handle with care.
My desires to serve a Master who is worthy of my submission used to be an every other second thought, now, it is a vision that visits me when i am empty. Explaining empty is not easy, its the feeling that one has when they wake up in the morning in a great positive mood and yet feels the hot breath of anxiousness and sadness breathing along one's neck. The feeling that there is more out there, and the age old question of wondering if one is ever going to find it...to have it...
Empty is truly being happy when seeing a couple yet feeling that pang of regret and lostness in the pit of your stomach. Empty is being able to laugh with Your friends and truly mean the sincerity all the while knowing that there is something missing from your soul.
I hate empty. It sends me to dark and scary places that i do not need to ever go to alone. It throws my self worth on the the examination table and hacks apart my value like an autopsy with a barely alive patient. It turns me into someone i detest being, my first reaction, to run fast and far from anyone in my life that could possibly make me feel more empty.
I do not feel empty as much as i used to, that is because i am slowly beginning to realize (to those who love me's dismay that it hasnt been a speedier process) that i am worthy, that i am awesome, and that even though i may be empty from time to time does not make me any less AMAZING.
We ALL have empty moments, it is what we used to fill them with that makes the difference.
I do not ask many things from those that are around me, that are within my circle, i do however, with all sincereity and strength i can possibly muster ask all of you who know me Love me when im empty...
For when i am full there is no stopping me.
~muse

why...just why....

Why am i not surprised....i am thinking that this will hardly get ready anyway, as 99% of the "members" here are only looking for a quick slap and tickle anyway, or they want to hurt someone, or they just want to play a true Dominant on the great big W W W where everyone can be whoever the hell they want,...shrugs...i just don't get it...

I am everything i say i am in my profile...i am honest to a fault and yes i expect the same.

Just had ths "Dominant" ask me t please do not place him the the "typical CM Dominant" catergory...of the fakes and psuedos and wannabes...i did something stupid and gave him the benefit of the doubt...it is amazing, how quickly someone could make you feel about yourself...

i do not know why i even bother still coming here as it seems all my meeting from this site and all the other ones geared to the "lifestylers" have been nothing but fakes, posers, wannabes, and power trippers....

i dare anyone to show me that they are not any of the above for mentioned...

~muse