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I want's me a good submissive, you see – To pick up beer cans, wash my dog, fumigate my abode, and do some floors and windows for me. (Wow, I's a poet and just don't know it!).
Me?
I'm here for one reason only - (well, maybe two, if good candy is involved): Find a willing slave to wash, starch and press each piece of my filthy laundry – and second, cheerfully perform as much housework as she can physically take. Well, really I guess THREE: to please me orally anytime I grace her presence. [Yeah that's it, THREE, three reasons!].
You will fastidiously pick the sock lint from among my gnarly-looking toes; carefully hand-wash my collection of 3,000,000 rare U.S. pennies; find, cultivate and stomp the very rarest of imported grapes into an amusing little wine which would easily rival a 1932 Rothschild or Mouton; alphabetically organize my massive international stamp collection, and catch the ashes from my flick'd cigar as they fall - whenever I feel like using you in such wicked ways.
As you may surmise from the above I am currently in the market for a slut, whore, paingirl, skank or piece of ass - however way you describe yourself on a website such as THIS ONE, fellow reader. (The old knight in Indiana Jones who guarded the Holy Grail cautioned us all: 'Choose wisely').
Some days your sole responsibility will be tracking aloft my 99 Red Luftballoons; on other days (those with rain in the forecast), your duty will be to assemble an assortment of celebrity ransom notes crafted lovingly from letters hand-cut from the headlines of various magazines. Thus be prepared to serve me in ANY way – any day, any time and in any time zone.
I will put you in your place often - which will typically be in a small box the size of my old stinky military foot-locker. On occasion, it will BE my old stinky military foot-locker.
Do not contact me if you are not local. Unless you are a gal-from-an-exotic-locale. Like the very needy ones from Nigeria and Uganda who always correspond with me. (Note to Self: Find out why Nigeria and Uganda seem to be running low on Dominants in general – and for some odd reason – men in particular).
Do not contact me unless you have a picture of yourself: A). standing alongside a bronzed statue at Graceland; B). enjoying cocktails inside the Freezer Room at the LA County Morgue, (outside the friendly confines thereof does NOT qualify!); or C). in a U.S. law enforcement agency-provided mug shot.
Gang-bang photos or those flagrant beaver shots which are too-often posted here, will instantly disqualify you from any consideration. (Like June Cleaver said, "Let's not be too hard on the Beaver").
Female bisexuals are highly encouraged to apply, if for no other reason than at the countless Lifestyle parties you will be expected to accompany me to, I will openly enjoy telling others, "this girl loves pussy."
(In the interest of total disclosure, diversity and rainbow love: TriSexuals, TriCycles, Transgenders and even TransFats are warmly encouraged to reply. Out of that closet my peeps).
If you contact me use good grammar and the syntax of an erudite college professor. NO exceptions. Keep your kearning to a minimum and stay within the margins pre-dictated by any version of Microsoft® Word released after DOS 5.0. Know when to use your serifs and when to hold your sans.
If you use the Y/you, T/they, U/us and W/we secret linguistic code seemingly invented by some gaggle of Methamphetamine-fueled dyslexic aliens, then know your P's from your Q's - and in a minimum of three acknowledged global languages. (Sorry, Tagalog and Bengali do not yet qualify).
Follow my instructions, damn you.
Understand NOW that after I meet you, all of your money will be handed over to me (even those coins I know you have rattling around in your little ceramic piggy bank).
I will immediately deposit your currency in a very poorly managed and unregulated offshore brokerage (with no traceable account information), run by an ex-Governor of The State of New Jersey and managed by a very vascilating ex-presidential candidate and ex-governor of Massachusetts. This will inflict upon you the extreme degree of sadistic and heartless pain you so desperately seek with little to no accrued interest, and a low likelihood that your funds will EVER be returned to you.
And, in case you haven't noticed looking at the calendar on your iWhatever, another Christian-Judeo Holiday is coming soon. Bitches I expect gift cards! LOTS of 'em!!!
If your fat/skinny/plump/BBW/curvaceous – or as otherwise described on collarme.com 'ass' – cannot make it out to The Mall for some reason, then in lieu of any gift cards I will expect high-yield German bearer bonds drawn on any major European bank. (Bonus points will be awarded for low-grade municipal bonds drawn against any failing major U.S. city or purchased with your green American Express card).
And speaking of ass: If you've ever referred to your hinney as your 'junk-in-the-trunk' there is NO need to reply. Really. Ever. Never. I shouldn't even have to mention that.
If you are a current or past employee of the TSA, do NOT respond to my profile. You are NOT - repeat NOT – a submissive. Really, don't sneak that past me. You are actually a closet dominant sadist who enjoys inflicting way-too-much emotional pain upon anyone in the immediate vicinity of your flogger or hand-held wand.
If you can't obey each one of these rules, do not expect me to return your email.
Send your name, your photo (posed as described above), and a lengthy and detailed outline of your self-perceived natural ability and almost religious zeal in how you expect to maintain my pristine 1961 Studebaker - which will be required OFTEN of you.
Also, I will give added consideration to that special girl who brings her own tools - not just the sexual kind - but more importantly, any complete Sears Craftsmen socket sets manufactured prior to 1985.
Like WAY too-many Dominants here, I will require you at times to perform sexually in front of my friends – my blind Mulatto singing parrot Ray and my 3-legged pet guinea pig Tripod. During these times you will be attired as Yoda, and not the 'new' Yoda either. Expect to perform in full costumed regalia as that first original Yoda we all knew and loved from the very beginning – long before George Lucas fucked up that character, too. ["Ahhh, Ohhhh ... my special girl me well you please!"].
Once you've met all of these requirements I will decide if I accept you or not; you may in fact discover all of your efforts have been a colossal waste of time and money - much like reading this lengthy profile. (FYI: Any respondent to this posting should expect an answer back at my convenience sometime between today and Star Date 2883. Also, if any more news surfaces of a global Ebola Outbreak, then ALL fucking bets are off – as I will be far too busy inflating my Ebola-Proof silicone doll).
As for my looks, let me simply say that I extend my deepest and most profound thanks to the late dearly-departed King of PopTarts, Mr. Michael Jackson. (It was only YOU who ever truly captured my very soul and essence with your 'Man In The Mirror', kind Sir).
So simply OBEY ME NOW and send me an e-mail dammit. If not, at least send over some Szechuan take-out, for Chrissakes.
I am a DOM. How do I know? I am because I say I am. I am. And I do not like green eggs and ham. I would not like them here or there and honestly I would not like them anywhere.
So write me NOW.
'Cause you can bet your last money it'll be a Stone Gas, Honey!' Peace, Love... and SOUL!!!
PS: My recent photo is attached - I extend my thanks for your awesome skill, Mr. blind SmileCrafters Franchisee.
* Dedicated in the spirit of humor to those many sincere kind-hearted submissives, who sadly DO encounter profiles and self-styled "Doms" here just like this.
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My friend said that since it's the Holidays, she was coming over with a new Crotch Rocket that she just picked up.
But I need to know: Do I need lube for us to enjoy that?? |
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3 years since our founding at Collar{me}Space, and the reviews from excited readers keep pouring in!
"Enjoyed reading your profile -- much more than most!"
"The way the succulent sauce and fresh garnish were so exquisitely prepared, transported me straight to Culinary Heaven!"
"OMG....Your profile is hysterical!! Thank you for helping to bring a wee bit of amusement to my otherwise dull and mundane week!!"
"Never has the persona of Hans Christian Andersen been portrayed so vividly on-stage!"
"The most unique profile to date."
"His profile is true evidence that cats and dogs can and do, live together in Hedonistic sin."
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I got more Fan Mail this morning. It was from some submissive replying to my Profile, saying "I am looking for NSA play." I am sorry really, but that is NOT my kind of thing. National secrets should just stay national secrets! What a sick fuck! Geesh! Go peddle your kinky fantasy somewhere else. |
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Ah c'mon, Live Large. Let's you and me put the weiner back in the schnitzel. :) |
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| Age: 21 |
| Wilmington,
North Carolina |
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