I'm really into Thanksgiving and Christmas lately, so I'm looking forward to the next month or two. I've been "new" here pretty long now (2 years?) so I think that on or around January I will be change it up. Otherwise, not much new has occurred. I haven't been online much and it's even rarer for me to be here. I think I've just not had much to contribute. So much has been going on in the world that the alternate universe, almost, of the BDSM community has taken a back seat for me. I couldn't really commit to anything and I'm the sort of person who would rather not do something at all than not do it well enough to satisfy my own sense of "job well done", which leads me here. Case in point: I generally take a couple of weeks in December to get some R&R, but I don't think I really need it this year. I simply haven't been as active in 2011. Next year I turn 30, and that's been a "wow" for me. I don't think 30 is old at all, but it's just odd that I have really lived almost 30 years, if that makes any sense.
Hmm. This entry is in no way about anything most here would find interesting, so I should probably go do something else, lol. I do still have the same slave and it will be 2 years in February that he's been in service, if that adds a BDSM spin on the post. Be good (wink)!
6/16/2011 7:22:45 PM
The rain tonight is crazy and I'm loving it - aside from the power outage a few hours ago. My new laptop came Tuesday and I am now testing it out. I didn't like the last one so I'm hoping this one will be better. So far, not impressed, but I'm going to put it through its paces and see.
My inbox is stuffed with messages here, and honestly most of them are too old to bother with now. Time always seems to get away from me, somehow. I do love seeing the "community" here, unchanged, whenever I finally get around to checking it out.
8/26/2010 3:46:34 PM
I'm not dead. In fact, I needed to focus on my "real" life and my real life slave for a while. This medium can get monotonous, and I just felt exhausted. As much hearty appreciation I have for real slaves, the numbers are small online (and to be fair, I am sure this is on both sides) when compared to the fantasy crowd.
And I can appreciate being accused of being a fake when you are in fact quite real, so I am sure I have decided against some potentials who were indeed ready and willing, an nd I think the gamble became upsetting to me. Add to that my intense attraction to those who feel something deep inside that they haven't yet explored and need someone to lead them, and I guess the internet lost all appeal to me for a while.
But here's what I missed: talking shop. That's what is missing for me in the "real" world. None of my closest friends are in the lifestyle, and even though my little slave is accepted by my friends and family for what he is (to varying degrees), I can't expect everyone I personally know to get it. So it can be a bit lonely in that sense.
I'm not sure how active I will be in the near future, but I did feel the tug, so here I am.
6/7/2010 12:45:36 PM
Watching a slave grow and develop is a bittersweet process. When the skin falls away and returns thickened, it is a reminder that the next beating won’t hurt so bad and adjustments must soon be made. When holes start to blossom like flowers instead of staying stubbornly pursed, the forthcoming gape is welcomed, even as the loss of virginity is mourned. When the sound hits bottom and is stuck to the hilt, I subconsciously count the rest in the set - soon I will need another.
After a beating I used to let him suckle a nipple, now he sucks my toes. One day he won’t suck at all…things change.
2/19/2010 12:52:23 PM
To all subs working to become slaves:
After months here I can give you one piece of advice that may serve you very well. Do not allow your own sense of self to defeat any chances of fulfilling your goal of being a full slave.
Too often the subs who are frustrated at the fact that they are constantly passed by don't acknowledge that they have their own preconceived notions of slavery that will not budge. This is 100% unattractive to potential owners. I can honestly say that I pass on such subs who have a spark of true submission that is unfortunately dimmed by overzealous self-identification.
So, when you wake up and before you sleep - if you want to be a true slave - remember the words "tabula rasa" and repeat as mantra if necessary to instill in yourself the truest sense of submission.
And good luck!
1/29/2010 6:19:39 PM
I am constantly amazed by what passes for a belief in Black Female Supremacy in some submissive types here. Amazed! It turns my stomach but it fuels me too as it shows why the popular belief system needs to be corrected! Some of that BS is worse than the literal opposite, because it is shit dressed as pie. And to make matters worse, they are often so damned smug, as if they are anything other than part of the problem.
A white slave once told me that the reason he was so subservient to Black Women was because he knew he was unattractive to them and it made him feel deeply submissive. And that made perfect sense. An honest, truthful, answer that doesn't pretend to be the solution to all of the world's ills or some fake-altruistic BS that is based on deep racism towards Black people that the silly people involved either know exists and enjoy that part of it or are unaware of... Either way it pisses me off.
I have been working on a blog outside of this site as somehow this little box and the little part it takes up on the webpage aren't satisfying. So as not to assume that everyone wants to know what I think about various things (and because I'm pretty sure adding a website isn't allowed), you may message me asking for the address if you are interested.
1/15/2010 7:32:54 PM
For some odd reason I am not upset about this (and I'm in a bit of a rush to get this in), but today I was stood up for the first time in "real time"! It was actually kind of funny because the sub in question was the one I really thought was a faker so when he suddenly became rather insistent I was stuck between disbelief and being totally enthusiastic. I won't go into details but suffice it to say that the "meeting place" was relatively close and my interest was definitely piqued so I changed my schedule and plans....and when I got there, while talking to him on the phone trying to figure out where he was I realized he was lying and he essentially called me an idiot (touche' lol) and I told him goodnight. I had a backup plan but my head has been aching all day and I am ready to hit the hay.
Oddly, for the briefest moment I was really upset and wanted to pull my hair out in frustration but I cut all my hair off yesterday and when I reached for my hair and found my little curls I had to laugh - and was happy again!
Funny thing, his name here is based around the idea of finding the real in a sea of fakes....sheesh! I do wonder though, is this my rite of passage as an onliner?
1/5/2010 1:23:56 PM
I have been extremely focused on "thinning the herd" lately and find
myself growing more and more specific and demanding. There are some I
have said goodbye to who it hurt to break ties with and some who I
wanted to dance a jig over when their true colors emerged (it is a
headache to know you are being lied to but have to wait for the hidden
self to make its appearance) and others who I am still struggling over
in some way or another but overall I am happy to let someone go when I
am sure there is no hope. I get so much mail that I have to be able to
make decisions as quickly as I can in some ways, and even so, more mail
goes unread or unanswered than I would like.
I was blocked for the first time (to my knowledge) a while ago by
someone who was upset that I never chose him and called me some pretty
choice words as a result of his anger, which motivated mine at first.
But it took me a beat or two to realize that he had simply proven my
point: all along, apparently, I had been deleting his messages and
ignoring him then forgetting him...but the kind of "slave" (and he did
identify in that way) who would get so disrespectful because he was
angry is the kind I would never want anyway.
On another note, I am so pleased that "hard limit" lists are becoming
more and more scarce. I do not know why this is, but it brings a smile
to my face whenever I look at a full profile without one.
My attention is almost always split now and I am usually at my computer
doing a million things to develop ideas, projects, and more (some that
I cannot wait to share but I am trying to keep quiet about because they
are in very early stages), but bear with me! Good things are in store.
12/31/2009 6:35:42 PM
Happy new year guys, gals, and in-betweens! I am considering heading out tonight but I had a session this evening (did I mention I hate session work?) and I feel like I dislocated my shoulder or something. And it's a pretty dreary night here, so who knows. Take care and enjoy whatever it is that you're doing tonight!
12/29/2009 7:54:37 PM
So, the new year is rushing towards me and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by what lies ahead. Lots of work, writing, training, and moving is in my future. And learning, as, believe it or not, that is my goal in life. I know I will get rid of this username soon, and either leave the site or create another one (that doesn’t have “new”) and I am taking “a few good men” with me. So, all is well that ends well.
Better than that, perhaps, is how much I have learned here. The “new” in my name really means to the whole internet community and I have never had such a delicious buffet laid out before me. From the subs who were angry for not being chosen to the slaves who started out as the most beautiful but could not deal with truly submitting as they had their own beliefs that they would not break, I have gotten experience with submissives who were not influenced by my strongest characteristic, which is based on my physical presence (I am still of the mind that it is pheromones) which I was totally unable to benefit from here. I think it made me a better Domme, or at least a Domme who is more rooted in 2009-2010.
My focus from here goes to BFS, I believe, and training that belief system to as many people as are interested, willing, and can afford the course. Not obeah, but something that reflects what I have learned, been taught, and know. The little sub who is working with me on it may be trustworthy for the endeavor. I also fully intend to write. On that topic, but other topics that interest me in the life as well. I have enjoyed the journal here and may start a blog (though it is really hard to commit to something like that) to rant and left off steam with. Maybe I’ll write some kink, as I have in the past, and explore my sordid side in that manner. No matter what I decide to write about, I am absolutely certain I will write...a lot.
And, of course, my biggest pleasure and stress reliever will be training perfect slaves in my personal life. I have leashed myself so as not to attempt to take every slave/sub I was attracted to and I am a bit upset that I did so, so I think the chosen ones have a hard year ahead as they have a lot of shoes to fill. But, if it was easy it wouldn’t be worth doing at all, right?
12/19/2009 10:31:21 PM
This was my response to a little sub in Los Angeles who sent me a nasty message and blocked me so he would not have to hear the truth about himself. I decided to post it here simply because I am surely sick of these sorts.
So my pic isn't me and these pictures you supposedly have seen of me are of a heavier person? What makes the accusation so ludicrous is why on earth would I do that? If I was going to put up a fake picture, why not a supermodel or something of higher quality at the very least? I am so sick of you and others like you who make this site so hard to enjoy.
If you'd seen any picture of me it is exactly the same sort of picture, me in front of a camera with my stomach showing and it looks exactly the same the room may look different. There is but one other picture that I show, which is a face and body pic and I weigh the same, so you are lying. I've not lost any weight and this picture was taken this month. you have me confused obviously, especially since I never promised you a thing, why would I? Silly little boys like you are annoying as hell because you spread yourself too thin among too many and don't remember one from another.
I keep transcripts on everyone I speak to so I know what we discussed and I know you, in fact, are attempting to lie to me now. Which is sad. Our discussion was based around the fact that you thought I lived in your state. When you found out I didn't you asked me if you could add me online and I told you sure and that if I was going to be in your area I would send you a message. Apparently, you believed that I was to respond to your IMs whenever you sent them and sent me a nasty message accusing me of ignoring you. I told you then that when my status says I am busy that I do not respond to anyone and you told me, like you are now, that I was lying. I deleted you from yahoo then.
The only reason I am wasting my time typing to you now is simply because you are the sort of sub I absolutely abhor. you are an example of everything that is wrong with the sort of sub who lies, has no capacity for submission, is an emotional child, and is petty and insecure. Instead of spending your time improving, you instead seek to defame and annoy Dommes who didn't give you what you wanted from them. Based on your username I suppose you were born in 1958, which suggests a certain maturity that you surely lack.
Take your silly accusations and your hurt feelings elsewhere as I am not moved by either. All you have done is solidify what I believed about you already, which is that you are unworthy to be "used" by any Domme, as you are simply a spoiled, selfish, and lying little brat. you've earned a spot on my blocked list, congratulations.
12/18/2009 1:32:04 AM
I keep chat transcripts of every potential I speak to and files on them all. I have been doing this for several years and it is tedious work but whenever I feel like I should stop the practice something happens that makes me happy I do it. Tonight I had a chat with yet another fantasy-seeker who had been playing silly games for a month but would swear, if asked, that he only wanted to be the truest slave.
Tonight he confessed, finally. I told him he should change his profile here to be honest and let the right Domme break him but he quickly said he would do no such thing because if he ever did decide to really be a slave instead of saying he would and leaving every Domme "high and dry," the profile would be a hindrance. I told him the truth; he will never, ever be a true slave.
I wonder how many others there are here? They certainly make it hard for the newbies who are ready and willing to serve but match the profile of some of the "play slaves."
12/7/2009 6:13:20 PM
There is a “man” who
spends his time sending messages to Dommes pontificating on this and that. He
wants to be helpful, to serve in his little way. He flirts and curtsies and
does the dance so many are well-versed in performing but when he finally earns
the privilege of a real-time conversation the veil is lifted and he stands,
shriveled and weather-beaten: an old fogy on the outskirts of the lifestyle,
attempting to grasp the skirt of a Goddess or a slave; to touch, to really
feel, to remember when he was as satisfied as they.
According to him, he
gave up his destiny and his true self for “love” in a vanilla relationship
where his real self is strictly forbidden to peak its divine head from the
shadows. At the bottom of his story, within the folds there are truths.
The first: his heart
is broken from two Dommes who owned him and loved him for less than a year
twenty years ago. This love eclipsed all others and after they moved on he
could no longer accept slavery.
The second: he is
still a slave. Only this time his owner could care not less that she holds his
meaningless life in her hands and is not worthy of even a life as pitiful as
his.
So the “man” is doubly
selfish. Not only does he feel the exquisite frustration and desire to please
his owner that a true slave lives for, he gets to do so while claiming to be
different and blaming his mate all the while. And he gets to talk the ears off
of any Domme in range, hoping to be owned once more but knowing he would never
accept as he is too preoccupied with his 401k and life insurance premiums. And
fiber supplements, when an enema and/or assfuck would do just fine.
Perhaps he wants to
pretend as if his very presence isn’t mocking the hard work of Dom/mes, slaves,
and subs everywhere who give up something to self-actualize. Perhaps he doesn’t
understand that conquering the fear is crossing the line into bold new
territory. So he keeps spitting on us and calling himself a “mentor, teacher,
and enabler to help people become who they need to be” but they are the lies of
an old man with nothing much else to say. He may not believe the truth but I
do.
11/27/2009 8:33:12 PM
My biggest test on this site has been weeding out the fakes from the true submissives. Not the obvious fakes - they are easy enough to identify - but the ones who have the deep-seeded desire to submit fully but never will. I have proven to myself, twice today, that I am learning rather quickly. It does hurt to see a submissive one had high hopes for turn into a disappointment but the sooner, the better.
I also ran into the kind of slave I hate the most for the first time on the site not too long ago, the ones who are totally committed to trying to break Dommes in the silliest little battles of wits..such a waste of air and energy...except I guess people get their kicks however they can, so to each his own.
11/25/2009 8:06:09 AM
So my sister wants to learn the art of being an active Domme...She is a natural Domme like I am, (which is why we are rarely around one another; we are much too territorial) but she wants us to team up and become a professional pair...which sounds great on one hand but on the other I wonder if we can get along long enough, not to mention the overkill of being a lifestyle and a professional Domme, as I have always chosen one or the other at any given time to avoid... burn-out, I guess.
11/21/2009 9:06:15 PM
Someone just told me that due to all of the hurt and loss he'd suffered on this site he has become a game-player himself. That seems to be a common theme here with people using the excuse "well someone lied to me" as the reason for everything. This, I don't understand. Why keep playing in such a scenario? Perhaps I too will become so jaded but I fully intend to stop before I do; another common theme here, it seems.
I am truly appreciating the "online only!!!" people, as at least they are honest.
11/20/2009 2:02:18 AM
People who are not "in the life" (and some who are) always seem to think that Dom/mes are really spoiled, really selfish people. Yeah right! Your feelings can be hurt, your principles can be tested, and you can just feel...used up by your slaves (not to mention subs). Any slave can tell you how much went into breaking them; not for the weak. But it is all worth it (though, when it happens, breaking up is VERY hard to do).
11/14/2009 8:44:33 PM
I sent this to someone today and was almost breathless when I wrote it.
Submissive men are beautiful because they are stronger than dominant men. They are closer to the Divine because they understand the duality of themselves and the women they serve. And Nature itself, perhaps.
There is nothing more beautiful than a slave pushed nearly to their limit but taking even more in order to satisfy someone else. It is the most powerful and humbling feeling in the world and allows a Domme to feel her own duality.
That is at the extreme, of course, there are many, many other scenarios when slaves show their ability to be exquisite and I find nothing more breathtaking than a slave in its glory and at its peak...
11/13/2009 10:07:25 PM
If I could I would own every true slave that needs an Owner. So many beautiful, submissive, and endearing slaves who still crave an attentive, if cruel, Mistress but are lost in the shuffle. I define beauty by the soul and there are many very beautiful souls here. And if I had the resources to give you each the attention and dedication you need to grow and prosper, I most certainly would.
11/11/2009 3:15:49 PM
It's funny how reading profiles, from the beautiful to the absurd, allows me to consider the kind of Domme I am and solidifies my sense of Self. One recurring theme has bothered me a good deal, and here is an abridged version of a message I sent to a sub today which describes my frustration:
While I can somewhat understand that you are wary of people on the site, you still choose to use it. For that reason, if you introduce yourself to a potential Mistress you should be just as eager and willing as you were to the very first Mistress you spoke to here. It is not my problem that you've had trouble here or so far been unlucky. The best subs/slaves, in my opinion, know that every chance to serve is a beautiful opportunity and they treat each (potential) Mistress like the Goddess she is. I hate hearing/seeing the word "no" and looking back your messages appear to be a list of reasons why you don't/won't do certain things. And that, dear heart, is a major turn off.
