This last weekend was so amazing. I got to exist in your space for a while, and it was quite a charge. We've discussed this, but I'm going to level the accusation again - you're addictive! (and I don't want to quit)

Something new has been running through my mind for a few days. And I lack the poise and wherewithal to bring it up with you. I keep faking myself out. 

Anyway. You should know where I am. Here 'tis. For the first time I can remember, I see a future with someone. I want the picket fence, so long as i can be chained to it. :).  I love you. I enjoy my time with you. I am SO guilty of future tripping lately. 

Ultimately, the gist of this note is to tell you that I've been fantasizing less about sex and more about grown-up stuff. I want to build a life that I can be proud to share with someone as incredible as I find You. 

Oh, i'm not going to tell you what my inner bitchy retard's been up to. She doesn't get validated through air time any more. 

And our scene was so amazing. You have such a discerning touch. Part of me wanted to be a sobbing heap when you were done. I think I'm still putting up walls somehow. And I don't like that. 

Anyway. You put me to bed 53 minutes ago, so I'll stop mulling and go follow directions now.

Found it.

"For the right girl, submission is an invitation—an invitation to rise up and leave all of your nagging demons behind. Your self-doubt, worries, failures, inadequacies—none of these matter. All are swept away in the purity of your submission and obedience. Don’t think. Don’t doubt. Don’t fret; just do. Trust and do..........For the right girl, submission is freedom."

It's probably silly, but it touched a chord in me. Inspired me a lil

I'm posting this as a journal so you know I mean business.

I said earlier today that I'm a little scared by how into you I am. This is true. My inner bitch worries I'm going to be wholly dependent on you and that, when this inevitably ends, I'll be alone picking up the pieces. And that's the last we'll hear from that.

I'm scared because I feel more like me when you're around. My inner bitch can't get a word in edgewise, because I'm delighted. All. The. Time. The way your eyes twinkle when you're looking at me and running fingers through my hair. How, last time, I could just see how happy you were to see me, you were almost goofy! I feel like my opinions are valued, my contributions appreciated, my shortcomings endearing (well, at least some of 'em, heheh). You value me, in a real and tangible way. It shows, in everything you do. (I was thinking the other day, and it seems consistent that you tend to get me off before I get to worship. You take care of me, even sexually!) The reason I feel more like me when you're around is because I don't second guess or judge myself. (that's for Master to do, if and when He sees fit). Now if only I could carry that attitude through days I don't see You. That would indeed be a thing to behold. (not for You to work on, thats a goal for me)

I'm also scared because a growing part of me wants, more and more, to be wholly dependent on you. (by this I mean: having you control more of me, allowing me to rely on you, giving me the honor of trying to 'take care of you'

Okay. Among many of the things You've taught me is that logic is useful. Let's question that bitch train of thought above.

Is it inevitable? Fuck no! We're pretty dang groovy, and since I'll be thinking 'do I actually mean this' before doing something out of character, like asking not to see you (WTF!? by the way), self-sabotaging behavior should be limited accordingly. Not being self-disparaging, but I seem to be the only one who doesn't always see why You want to be with me. That's my problem, but one that's easily fixable. Put my money where my mouth is an Trust You. I found an awesome quote online, didn't have the presence of mind to save it. But it boiled down to my new mantra for us, “trust, then do.” You love me. You have my best interests at heart. I can honor that by trusting you when you tell me I am worthwhile, sexy, or whatever other percieved fault I'm worried about that day. I may not feel it for myself, but that's the neat thing about what we've got going on here, I can trust you WAAYY more than my inner retard. I reject my reality and substitute Yours :)

I'm also scared I'm going too deep, too fast. But You'll tell me when that happens.

I recognize that some of this is inconsistent with our earlier conversation, about me not wanting to burden you, etc. But, I think (but am not attached to) that being vulnerable is part of showing trust, submission. Knowing that you'll care for and about me even after you've seen that I'm a bit...oh.... lets call it left of center? On the other hand, you aren't my babysitter or a fixer. You didn't sign up to be my psychoanalyst, and I don't especially want you to be. (though the taboo nature of a counselor taking advantage of a patient....hmmm...) Anyway. I need to find a balance somewhere between trusting you with my problems and dumping ridiculous shit on you when you've already got a full plate. Thats probably something we're going to talk about tonight.

And what I really wanted to say is thank you. For so much fun and learning and sexiness and self-discovery and ...joy!

I'm also posting this so I can reread it and remind myself how smart I is when I forget what I've realized, down the road :)

So, its almost been a month! I’m super jazzed. I’ve learned so much from you. But I want to learn even more!

I’ve learned a lot about myself. About what makes me tick. I’ve always put others before myself. I thought that was just something I did. Little did I know how much I’d enjoy putting you first and meeting your needs as best as I’m able. A month ago, I wasn’t sure what service oriented submission was. Now, its something that I crave. From simple stuff like having the privilege of refilling your Dew and making you a slushie when we get home, to really fun stuff like learning how to properly worship your cock….I just crave serving you.

I’ve done a few things I never thought I would have before. Licked boots (and liked it), started anal training, and have learned more about standing up for myself and respecting myself. When I earned a punishment for not taking my meds, what stuck with me more than the spanking was your question – Why should I value you if you don’t value yourself? Though the spanking certainly brought it home. I learned a lot about myself that night, and about you. You cared enough to correct self-destructive behavior, to help me start developing into something you could be proud to someday call ‘yours.’  I've applied that lesson in taking my school work seriously, caring more about my appearance, and trying (still a work in progress) to take care ofmy house.

I’m still not sure if I like licking boots or being trained, or if I like them because they’re something I’m doing for and with you. That is, if I suddenly had a different dom, would I be as into showing him respect and homage as I am with you? Somehow I don’t think so. You’re remarkable. And I want to keep learning from you and growing into someone you can be proud of. In the past couple weeks, I think I’ve made some strides – I’ve learned that I have an inner slut…and more about letting her out. I hope my head skills are improving. You complimented me the other night, and it about sent me over the moon! I like that I feel safe and able to explore with you. I still don’t know what my limits are…I suspect you’ve been taking it ultra slow with me… for which I am quite grateful. My fetish list on is hilariously short…but then I remind myself that I’m still a noob. And who really needs fancy fetishes when the way you speak to me sometimes sends me caroming to subspace. So while I’m hungry to learn and try things, I’m not in a hurry. I’ve already done more than I thought I was capable of. I trust you to guide me along this delicious sexy path.

Well Sir, I hope I’ve completed the prompt to your satisfaction :)

I don't want to be snarky but Sirs (and a few Mistresses, how flattering!) before you take the time out of your day to send me a message, please observe that I am no longer actively seeking a Dom. I'm interested in making friends. If our objectives still match, by all means, drop me a line. There's a chance you might get to hear the most awesome clean joke ever. I say this out of respect for ya'lls time.

Thanks,

muffit