I feel that if im not going to give something 100% Then it’s better to take a break and so I did. I hardly log on to collarme and I deactivated FL.... life gets in the way, but I can’t deny the thoughts that run through my head from time to time… it’s there in the back… it’s like one of those sticky notes you put up on the wall with an obnoxiously bright color reminding you of something import you need to do. It definitely felt good while on this path and I hope to continue in the near future…

I can’t say I’ve been a good friend to those people that I’ve met or that were trying to get to know me better, it’s just hard to talk with them when they are talking about things they are doing related to the kinkdom world and I’m here trying to keep away from it and avoid it and they don’t understand why I’m taking a break. But I have valid reasons and I need to do what’s best for me.

I really missed writing on my journal but nothing really exciting is going on besides work and study and work and more work… I go hiking from time to time cause it makes me feel “good” but I rather get spanked or chained :) anyway hiking releases stress.

Although I have limited experience I can say that so far this exploration has made me more tolerant and open to new possibilities I never thought possible and the more you talk and get to know people the more you learn about yourself. It’s been very interesting so far..

I also have a lot of unanswered questions and of course I’m still going to look for that connection and that something real with the right person.

going to scony this march 2nd... and also meeting with MAsT central nj to see if i will be able to join the group... its going to be an exciting day...      i updated my profile and pics..

10:35am:   off to church!!!

7:25pm:

Today at church, the pastor was talking about how important it is, to forgive… if you built walls around yourself because you’re afraid of being hurt… you’re so afraid to let people in… but in the long run you’re only hurting yourself. Forgiveness is so important, not because the person who hurt you asks for it, not because that person deserves it… forgiveness is important for your own personal release, so you can move on, for spiritual peace.

And I love what he said in Spanish: Nos tomamos el veneno esperando a que el otro se muera. (We take the poison waiting for the other to die)

Theres a lot to discuss

Let’s get the bad things out of the way first

Annoying message #.... Hell! I’ve lost count… this time is on fetL. It’s really rare, people are very respectful; this is just a random fool.

Fool: “you need to take more pictures or be Playful :)”

For some reason it really made my blood boiled smiley face and all.

I will take pictures and put pictures whenever I damn please!

I can say a number of things to crush his little men ego. But my mom always said “when it comes to people you get more from a cup of honey than with a bucket of salt”

So I asked instead… “What do you mean by playful?”

The next message will determine his fate.

NOW WITH THE GOOD… :)

I had a really nice conversation last night before going to bed, as a suggestion and really good advice from MatureO….. I started working on my limits.

I explained to him that I’m will to try something at least once before deciding whether is a limit is or not. He explained why it wasn’t a good idea and why it’s important to have at least some basic things from the beginning for safety reasons. Example: scat, broken bone, permanent damage ect.

I said that because I would think that if we are trying something new… we will/ should talk about it first, and that would be my chance to voice my opinion and say if I would be comfortable about doing it.

But just in case the person lacks common sense, its better not to leave things to chance…..plus your right  Mature… Arm amputation is not a turn on for me…  (lol)

So I will start by saying because I am new to the lifestyle I’m open minded about trying many things, but any new activity should be discussed before the act takes place.

So far this is what I have:

Hard limits:

1. Scat
2. Broken bones
3. Permanent damage/ marks/cutting/blood
4. Animal play: acting like a cow, pig, dog. ect. Also includes Zoophilia (sex with animals)
5. Golden showers
6. Gang bangs
7. Pampers
8. Bisexuality
9. Pissing
10. Smoking
11. Underwater play (I have a fear of drowning)

Things I’ve learned from my chat…

• As a newbie experience is not as important. Your attitude is everything
• run from anyone that tells you there’s only one way of doing things

swingers

I’ve talked to a few people who I would like to meet; in fact I think that if you’re in my fetL account as a friend, we will eventually meet up at one point or another. One of the guys is into swinger parties. He said he will introduce me to the master of the brotherhood he belongs too in NYC. In his words “you don’t have to fuck or anything it will just be a meet up at an event we are hosting” I’m not into the whole swinger’s thing but I am curious. You know how the saying goes… curiosity killed the cat. Well it would suck to end up a dead cat (hahaha)

The younger “Dom”

I also have someone else that I started talking to recently he is a bit younger than me…after talking to him for 2 days he asked me if the age was an issue. I told him that honestly I wasn’t thinking about that… shouldn’t it be an issue? He said he didn’t have a problem; he just wanted to make sure. I never dated younger men. I always dated men who were a few years older than me. I asked him yesterday if he knew what I was looking for… gave the correct response. But I repeated it again anyways so it can sink in…it’s entertaining to talk to him on cam but the better question is. Do I see myself with this person? Do I think this relationship is going to last? Will he provide me with what I need and will he help me explore and grow to become a better submissive? I have my doubts. It’s not about his age; it’s about the tone of the conversation every time we speak.

I wanted to know something yesterday earlier in the day but I spoke with someone and he cleared things up for me. I still will put it here, because I think that if any submissive reads this it will be of great help.

The guy who I met up at my first event for some reason I felt that I was more dominant than him, and I kept asking myself, how could this be when I’m submissive. Although he is a self proclaimed “dominant” I really feel that I could never submit to him. Not even to just try it out. Conclusion: Just because someone tells you they are dominant doesn’t mean that they really are…

Side note: I really refuse to submit too just anyone. I will never do anything if it doesn’t feel right. I think that besides that initial attraction, the mental component is really important. I need “HIM” whoever the one out there might be to find that MENTAL KEY… that will open me up and trigger me.

While on the same subject of the Dom I met at my first event

He really annoyed me yesterday while I was at work. So much so that I wrote it down: I’m really annoyed… am I in the twilight Zone… why would you ask me if I have nude pics on fetL, when clearly I don’t. I said “I’m confused, why would I have nudes? Why are you asking? Do you want me to send you nude pics or something?” he said “a lot of people have nudes on . I asked because I was curious, I didn’t ask you to send, I asked you if you had them” I replied with a quick “no” And then he said “that wasn’t hard was it? you did have a nice body” followed by “I used to have a pic of my cock in my profile” (hahahaha now that I’m reading this over Its so freaking funny.) Why would you ask me if I have nude pics on FetL.

Just because a lot of people have them on their profile… do I look like a lot of people to you? Do I look like I follow the masses? I would like to think that there are men out there who appreciate women who leave something to the imagination. What kind of message would I be sending to a potential D/M if I show everyone everything? I do want a serious long term relationship…

 And finally there’s one person I am really considering.

I don’t want to get ahead of myself here but...

I love his personality he gives me a great vive, his very easy going, I ask him a million questions and he answers without hesitation, he has been very patient from what I can tell. we started talking on this website, we talked all the time, he gave me his number but I never called, then stopped talking for a while and he message me back up again and I finally decided that I would give it a try, we seem to have a bit of a connection. The fact that he said that he is nurturing is a plus, “he is not into the scene” but just cause someone is not actively partying doesn’t mean he can’t be the one for me. He send me his pics I love his “ink” but for some reason I pictured someone completely different. I don’t know why I picture a much older looking man.

my first event!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to write this while is still fresh in my mind so here we go:

 I decided to go to an event at cult of fury; I actually had no plans to go anywhere but to my nice bed by 9 pm as usual. Someone messages me and asked me to go, that I would have fun and so I agreed… I didn’t have any fetish clothes so I went to nearest pleasure store and took 2 hours to find an outfit… (Became friends with the girl that helped me while trying different things on, exchanging numbers and everything) got home took a shower got ready and took a few pics… after putting everything on including makeup and red lipstick, I looked like a total whore, but boy did I feel sexy. I sat in my room for a while contemplating the “what ifs” and then I received another text telling me not to chicken out… I smiled got all my stuff and drove down there…

When I first went in and saw the two girls standing by the door, suddenly I didn’t feel so bad about what I had on… :)   I paid the fee got my membership card and went back to my car to get my high heels and take off my sweats; went back in, gave my jacket to the nice people in the front, took a deep breath and started walking around… there were people at various stations doing different things… things that until today I’ve only read and seen in BDS porn, things I’ve only fantasized about… there was one of those machines with a dildo attached to it… and someone started using it… that was interesting.. Some were playing with electricity there was whipping, bondage, and my favorite spanking :) there was a leather swing I was dying to get on it…*shrugs maybe next time..

I was watching from a distance, I tried not to stare but hahaha I just couldn’t help it I just wanted to live bi-curiously through these people. I really noticed how much they enjoyed it and someday I know that will be me. There was one thing I didn’t like… there were clicks, little groups everyone knew each other.. And the fact that I’m a really shy person made it really hard for me to approach them. I know the person I met was really nice and he was trying to have some play with me, but I was more interested in observation.

What I really liked was the fact that although I went in very nervous and I had all these fears and my anxiety was at level 10… after a while even though I had my ass cheeks hanging out lol I felt so free… I felt so good, even though I didn’t really have a conversation or made any connections… I felt wonderful, comfortable in my skin and sexy as hell.  I realize that I might not be a “very into the scene type of gal”, maybe this might change once I go to the next one… the people in the front told me, next weekend might be better the crowd will be older, so it will have a different vive. I would also like to head to New York next and see what the big apple can offer me…

I also know that even though I’m a newbie, I’m not in a rush to try anything. I know without a doubt that if it’s not the right person I will be left feeling very disappointed, so I want to reserve any play for my future Dom. I want to learn from his hand, feel from his touch… god I really hope his out there. Also I don’t think I would like my first time to be in public I would like it to be a private moment between me and my dom.

I know I’m leaving a bunch of stuff out but I really feel exhausted, my bed is calling my name…lol

Did I mention I left early? Well I did, only stay about 2 hours; it was enough for the first time…i just needed to go, and so i did.

“Give me the power to destroy you and trust me not to”

I wanted to start my diary with this quote I took it from a profile @yourbehind…if you ever read this I hope you don’t mind … but I think it’s AMAZING!

I really feel good today… I actually feel good all the time but today I’m on another level, I haven’t exercised yet so it’s not the endorphins… I feel like this is a new chapter in my life and I’m so ready to go for it, next month is just around the corner and I have valentine’s day party on the 16^th but it’s a lingerie party so ha ha ha this should be interesting, and I promised this girl that I would go but Jesus! just thinking about it gets my nerves going… have I mention how shy I am? What the hell am I going to wear, and will I be the only one covered from head to toe? :)

I will also attend a meeting on February 9^th there will be a guest speaker I think is name is Taino and the subject will be: the calling to mastery & slavery I’m so excited, I really want to make it to this one.

Why would you have a problem about going on Cam with me?

 I was really annoyed yesterday. If we agreed to meet and I ask you to Cam with me how am I a scam artist/ fake or whatever? If you can’t verify that you’re the person in the picture by going on cam then maybe I’m the one who should be wondering about how legit YOU are.

 FYI is not like you won’t see me! I really love to chat looking at people’s expression hearing their voices, it makes things more personal, and it’s a step in the right direction before meeting in person. I understand if you’re a bit apprehensive about going on cam with someone for the first time, but don’t accuse me of being fake because I want to see you on cam.

It’s been really hard to stay away from here; I really miss writing on my journal. :(

 I always find that is so much better to ask what you want to know and not make any assumptions.

 I hope everyone reads this so they don’t jump to conclusions.

I will be disconnected from this site for the rest of the month for a very good reason I have a license exam at the end of January called USMLE step 1, you might not understand how important this exam is to me and my career but I know so I really need to focus.

I’m still searching; I still want to find the right match for me. So in February I will start meeting in person and getting to know if anything might develop… hope you don’t miss me too much.

I will still be able to receive messages but I might not answer right away.

 Ps. Thanks for your understanding. In the mean time stay kinky and sweet.

Sincerely

-ANGEL

What the hell possessed me to do such a thing?

So I decided to put a face pic…

A better question would be. Is it a crime to be a submissive; am I breaking the law, or hurting people by the life that I choose to live? The answer is no... A big Fat NO!  This doesn’t mean that I am less of a private person; it doesn’t mean that I’m not cautious and won’t take the necessary precautions. It’s just a face pic :) for all ya curious folks out there stop harassing me already... just kidding

Should I tell him?

After my mother my brother is like my best friend and even thou he is younger than me I can talk to him about anything and he can be my voice of reason. So I wanted to tell him what I’m slowly but surely digging myself into. A “what the hell you freak!” might come out of his mouth but I know that after he’s listened to what I have to say he will be ok with it. Don’t get me wrong I have an alternative motive for this. I don’t know if I mention before but I have a few munches and events coming up *sigh I really don’t want to go alone (ha ha ha ha) I know is bad, but I’m a really shy girl, a bit timid with strangers, and I might want someone there for support at least on the first meeting.

Maybe it was hormonal

Yesterday evening I don’t know why but I was in a bad mood, all of a sudden I was really annoyed…         (Which is so not at all like me, am always in a very light mood) all I know is that having 30 pages worth of mail was getting on my nerves. I had a very strong urge, I wanted my mailbox clean so I deleted all of it, and I felt such a feeling of relieve. Then Got in my nice warm bed, early around eight something and just let sleep take me away.   

This morning while getting ready for work I thought I should have at least kept a few messages mainly the ones I haven’t answered. Now how am I supposed to reply? and all the phone numbers are also gone. But the biggest reason because some of them really touched deep. For example someone from Texas asked me for my number I politely refuse and told him why, he responded with the sweetest message, explaining why the distance wouldn’t be an issue and he really wanted to show me that he was serious and wasn’t playing games. I really felt his sincerity, he was a complete gentleman about it and this lady appreciates that a lot. I just might give him my number :P

 Rethinking my strategy

Someone told me that if I was looking for the right thing, I might be searching for it in the wrong place.

It’s not like this theory hasn’t crossed my mind, and I do belong in that other website he and a couple of others have suggested but for me it’s really intimidating, of course we both came to the conclusion that I just need to get over it and go for it.

 My decision: I will continue to keep this account; I will continue to write on my journal. But I will no longer be focused on looking for a Dom; instead I want to just make friends.

I have some concerns

When someone tells you they have multiple subs and a pet in training

I just don’t want to feel like one of the bunch. I’m also looking for an emotional attachment that goes beyond the training; there is also that sexual aspect, how can I give myself to someone knowing he’s “training” multiple people. Or can there be training without sex? Damn that’s a very good question.

more on the subject: i think i might have a problem with the multiple subs theme because i want a more intense demanding and passionate relationship and if he already has his hands full i wouldnt like to feel neglected.

I’m also afraid that with the BS on this site I’m going to end up over looking a good potential dominant.  I really hope that if someone feels that we could be a good match and I’ve over looked them, they don’t give up on me… Do not give up on me! hahaha.

Everyone! Has background, and experience! I’m interested in buying a book called how to spot a fake for dummies, in the mean time ill just use my spider senses. lol

There are the married ones, who think I will miraculously change my mind. the obviously kinky ones, who are just looking for some fun and always send me a cock Pic, because of course they love their dicks, why wouldn’t they?  The ones who swing by and tell me how much they like me, tell me someone’s going to be a very lucky man and good luck on finding a match… I always wish them the same; maybe I should start asking them what they are looking for, maybe they just don’t want to be direct. And finally there’s just the straight up CRAZIES!

FYI: I will not settle for second best. Plus, I have all the time in the world, I’m not desperate.

Angel what are you looking for:

A Loving Dominant… I guess right now all I care about is establishing that connection with someone and see if something will flourish.

ALSO:

Last night I was looking at what is call a spanking club, I don’t remember the name of the club, but the concept sounded so interesting to me, I would like to go and check it out I can’t promise I will participate the first time, I think I’ll just watch.

I wanted to talk about a few things…

How I answer messages:  the first thing I want everyone to know and that’s taken the time to read my wonderful journal is that I read every message, every single one. So this is how I do it; if it’s the first contact I will read your message go to your  profile read everything so I can get an idea of the type of personality and what you’re looking for and finally I read over the message again and answer as honest as possible.

Sometimes when a message interests me a lot I tend to leave it to answer it later, mainly because I want to think about a good answer to give to the person… and 99% of the time I do it because, is just so good and interesting that I want to read it over again… I sometimes get so caught going thru all the mail that I might have forgotten to answer some of them and I really don’t mean to ignore anyone. If you think this might be you don’t hesitate to drop me a line. But please read over what you send me first.

 If you send a girl nonsense and she doesn’t respond… maybe she’s not that into you.

Also: 99.9% of the time I will answer nonsense as politely as I can, which much of the time starts a whole new conversation about other stuff. I do enjoy that when this happens.

So, this is a journey right?

yesterday after a couple of hours answering messages I had the biggest headache, and like I told someone here I was beginning to think that making this profile was a big mistake and that maybe I needed to rethink what my next step will be. After giving it more thought I realize that in this couple of days I have met some wonderful people…(I will put it in bold because I really mean it) with awesome personalities. And whatever stories they share with me I am so grateful, because I feel like they are taking the time to share a part of themselves with me. (Please do not get it twisted and think these stories are sexual) and of course it’s always reciprocal I don’t mind sharing my stories as well.

I have to think in the long term what it is that I want to get from this whole experience and what’s going to take to make it happen. “no one is born knowing” I’ve never been the one to quite when the road gets bumpy and sure as hell won’t stop now. There will always be ups and downs. So am I willing to accept that? That’s life, right.

Picture change

Like I said before I am getting to know some wonder people, and when I feel like the person is sincere if they have any advice, I really take it into consideration. Last night after talking to a wonderful person from the UK I decide to change my picture, hopefully now I capture the right type of attention. I do want a serious relationship and my previous picture might have been giving the wrong impression. He also gave me other good advice and I need to add also that he is so funny… kind of wished we lived closer.

I know I said I might be curious in hypnosis, but it’s so weird when people send me messages about it…  I don’t even answer cause I fear the next message will be either offering to sale me something or a link directing me to another site. next profile update: change the freaking hypnosis thing.

Have I mention... I’m not into age play... well if I didn’t here is the answer: please I can’t stress this enough, I’m not looking for a daddy to take care of me. I can take care of myself. Although I never thought of an age limit and I’m in the process of figuring that out, what I want remains: a DOM.

 Oh one more thing: I’m not for Sale... I’m not for RENT so don’t even bother

When In doubt: go with your gut instinct

 I think this process has become harder than I thought it would, I think mainly in many ways I feel unprepared so many of my answers are based on pure instinct… I mean I have no experience and therefore no real form of comparison.   I will continue to read up on the subject. If you have any suggestions on what books to read feel free to message me. I have my first munch coming up this month, very excited about that. Hahahah will probably be the one observing from the darkest corner.

i will not be putting the name of the person who send me the message or even the message itself but my ANSWER TO IT... please REFLECT ON IT.

I tell you one thing you are one scary person, but I’m not willing to submit out of fear...maybe in a fantasy world... In a D/S relationship obedience is done out of respect and trust for ones dominant. Not a strict fear of that punishment that disobedience will bring. There is no fear when you already know what’s coming for you there is only acceptance.