As we approach the end of another year, I think most of us look ahead to the next one. This year has been one of my worst but there are things to be proud of.

- I managed to remain in chastity for another whole year.

- I made some really good friends.

- I found a new dominant which is why I haven't been around much.

Sadly, the new dominant I'd started playing with was just that, play. So I'm setting myself a goal for 2024.

I want to serve a dominant next year in person. I want to be kneeling in front of them and offering myself to them. For too long I've wasted time by holding off on committing to a dominant until I began hormones, a little ashamed of my body not representing the person I am and want to develop into.

So, any dominant out there who are willing to look past the physical limitations of not having my surgeries planned yet, there's a sub out here looking for a relationship with a dom. I'm happy to serve any gender of dominant.

That's my goal. Let's see if I achieve it in 2024.

I don't know how this'll go down, where I'll go from here but I got some bad news today. My new GP actively cancelled my referral to the Gender Identity Service (GIDS) because apparently I show none of the markers or indicators for gender dysphoria despite presenting as a gender different to the sex which I was born.

So, I may disappear from the site. I don't want to mislead people. I believe myself to be trans, no I know i'm trans, but getting official acceptance of that is provng difficult.

So, to anyone reading my profile I know that I'm trans but the NHS has actively prevented me from beginning my medical transition after a two-year wait.

Finding the happy

I don't know if people who aren't trans can relate to this, but one of the benefits of transition is beginning to see your body in the way that you always thought you should. Seeing your body resemble the way you feel inside.

There's a simple reminder of my transition that never fails to make me smile. If I happen to glance downwards, sometimes I'll catch a glimpse of my budding breasts and with the help of a padded bra they look good. It is the moments when I catch a sight of them and double take. It's still slightly unexpected to see my breasts so when I catch them I smile. This is who I am now.

You know the extra benefit of it? They're real tender and nipple clamps...wowser they're fun.

Dealing with Dysphoria

I recently had a bad experience with a really catty woman in a nearby town that left me looking anything but my best and questioning my transition. For those that don't know being trans in the UK is extremely difficult. On one hand you've got GPs that is doctors who actively stand between you and your transition. I've had some literally refuse to refer me to the right NHS services. I've had others suggest I should get counselling. I've had a few others be encouraging.

I don't know if it's common for every trans person but with every little struggle or set back I question if I'm really trans. There are so many situations in which I feel like a fraud, like I can't be a 'proper' trans person. Maybe instead I'm just a crossdresser or maybe something entirely different. Maybe I should just revert and give up on transition altogether.

For those that don't know there is this thing known as purging. A person questioning their gender identity will often revert back to their previous unhappy state and try to mask. For me in the early days it mean throwing or burning some really cute outfits. Fortunately, I'm past this stage.

Sadly, the catty woman in question pulled a chunk of my hair out and it will take a while to grow back. So, I'm in a vulnerable place right now where the dysphoria is really kicking in. Here's the good thing though...even though my brain is flooded with these thoughts There is nothing I appreciate more than those moments when I walk through a town and I don't get a second look. Those moments when I 'pass'. When I confidently stride along in my heels more skillfully than many naturally born women. When I look at myself and know for certain, I'm on the path to having my body look the way I feel it should. When I can look at myself and appreciate that I have done it. I'm on the other side of hormonal and medical transition.

I doubt the overthinking and the intrusive thoughts will ever go away but in an odd way, the catty woman pulling my hair out made me even more sure than ever before.

I am trans.

My name is Tara, I am transitioning to the feminine me that I always should have been. I'm not just a crossdresser. I'm not a sissy. I'm not a transvestite. There's nothing wrong if you identify as any of those. But I don't I'm more sure than ever before.

Being a bored submissive

I woke today with my thong having worked its way halfway up my bum. Peeling it off, I rolled out of bed and dressed. I'm not going anywhere today but still chose to dress nicely. Stockings, thong, underbust corset, nice flippy skirt black dress and my usual necklace which I never remove. After breakfast and a morning wash I applied my makeup and did my hair.

What to do with my day though?

I did all my household chores yesterday, and I'm not in work today.

Returning to the bedroom I pulled my largest buttplug from my drawer. A few moments of working it in and my plug is in.

Then I had a choice, thin leather, padded leather, or metal cuffs and collar? I went with my thin leather cuffs and collar. A few practiced flicks and I'm now wearing cuffs that have been locked on. A few more and there are now chains linking my ankles, and chains linking my wrists.

On hands and knees I reach into my toybox and pull out my largest dildo. Popping some earbuds in and some music on I get to work sucking that thing like my life depends on it. I'm on my knees, my hips wiggling for their lives, and my tongue flicking around the shaft as I try to take it deeper and deeper. I'm no good at deep throat and want to get better, so I'm practicing to be able to take it further in. I'm gagging, and drooling, my eyes begin to water and I'm curious what my makeup will look like when I'm done. Twenty minutes later my phone alarm beeps and I've done my practice. I keep going for just a little longer, slowly backing the dildo out of my mouth before licking and kissing the head. I pop the dildo in my cleaning box [a box where I put my toys to be cleaned] grabbing a bottle of toy cleaner and cleaning it.

While in the bathroom I take the time to change the pad in my panties. I've taken to wearing really small pads to keep the mess that leaks from my chastity cage sometimes from ruining good panties and thongs.

All through this I feel the buttplug doing its work inside me. I'm really fired up and so very horny, but my chastity cage keeps my former manhood tightly controlled. God I wish that I didn't have this thing sometimes. I close my eyes, imagining sliding my fingers up a pussy, my pussy. I bite my lip and reach a sneaky hand to my breast. It's still very small and I'm desperate for them to grow.

I decide that I'm being too tempted to play with myself so return to the bedroom, clean dildo in hand and pull my bondage hood from the toy box. Taking a moment to rearrange my chains, I pull the thick black leather hood over my head. Gathering up my hair into a ponytail as I do this. First I pull the laces as tight as I can. Then three leather straps to buckle and lock. My earbuds are still in so I when this playlist of music finishes it should have been about an hour. I pad my hand around blindly for the toy box and the padlocks. Taking a few my hand returns again for a key and a short length of chain. I clip the chain to the central ring on my collar. I double check it reaches the buckles before locking the padlocks on the hood.

Relinking my wrists with the chain I stand. I'm thankful at this point of two things. I'm wearing cute little ballet flats this morning and not heels. Second, I live in a flat so there are no stairs. I've done this before of course, I make my way over to the liiving area I have. I drop to my hands and knees and pad around looking for the rug. When I find it I lay down here.

Through my mind flies loads of thoughts. At first it's what if someone came into my flat right now? They'd find me, vulnerable, locked, horny. What if it was my landlord. I've never met him, but imagine that being the first time we met? My hips begin to grind against thin air again. Oh if only I had someone here to do naughty things to me, or to make me do naughty things to them.

It's not long before my mind starts wandering to other things. I hate this part of being hooded. I start to think about recent conversations with people on this site and others. In creep doubts and worries. What if I'm rubbish at communicating?

I'm lost deep in a ramble of thoughts and mental weeds as the music on my phone ends. I unlick my wrists, and reach for the key on the chain at my collar. I reach it round and one by one unlock all three straps binding this hood on my head. I always begin to start breathing deeper now. A sense of panic needs to be surpressed and I need to calm myself to slowly loosen the lacing on the hood.

Off comes the hood and I'm breathing fresh air again. I head back to the bedroom and get yet more toy cleaner for the smudged makeup on the inside of my hood. The buttplug is getting very irritating now too. Time to lube it again. I decide to relube the plug first which I'm glad of with how dry it is. Then I clean up my hood before replacing it in my toybox and reapplying my makeup.

Lunchtime. What to do for lunch? I've committed to a day in bondage so I'm not going out. I decide to make this kinky day more kinky, I'm going to have to suck off my dildo again. Lipstick once more smeared over the dildo, I make myself a salad and eat it while planning out some new kinky stories. It's been a long time since I've written so I'm going to start again I think.

After lunch, I return to my toybox for a vibrator wand. I plug it in, sit down and open my laptop. I always write kinky stories best when aroused. I can feel every inch of myself bursting to orgasm, but know that it's not going to happen. I still haven't been able to do much more than leak from the chastity cage. Even with advice I've not been able to sissygasm. I really wish I could.

I spend about three hour writing three new chapters of a kinky story though I only lastest with the vibrator sitting between my cage and my buttplug for about half an hour.

By the time I'm finished I'm still horny. I reach down the front of my panties and rub the dripping caged flesh I find there. Bringing my hand to my lips I suck on the sweet precum taste.

I head to the bathroom to sort myself, lube up my buttplug once more, taking the time to use the toilet while the plug is out, and then reinsert it.

Looking at the clock it's only 2pm. What do I do with the rest of my day?

Well, for one, I wrote this lovely journal entry and part two will come tomorrow.

Until then, thanks for reading you lovely people.

Tara xox

Conversations that just...end

I'm not sure what it is about this site, but one of the biggest problems I've encountered is when people message you, it's a good conversation and then they just don't take it any further. Now I'm a sub so it's going to be fairly obvious that I like to let someone else lead. So, if I'm talking to someone, it's all going well but then communication stops dead, I sometimes wonder if its my fault.

Should I be suggesting how to move forward from just chat?

Am I at fault for letting the conversation end?

Are these people just not interested in the first place?

Are they just interested in pleasuring themselves to a fantasy?

I honestly, don't know the answer to any of these, but I really wish I did. I even wonder how many other people have had these experiences.

Sorry for the random ramble, but I'm going to get back to writing my journal with some regular upddates soon.

All the best lovely people. Tara xox

A reminder to my fellow submissives


Today, I was hounded by a man who simply wanted someone to suck them off. They weren't interested in what I as a sub had to offer. Now don't misunderstand, I'm willing to degrade myself, or sexually pleasure another person in my role as a sub. I do have a rule though: at the very least they should appreciate what I am doing. The person I'm pleasuring should at the very least be able to appreciate me beyond just being a warm and moist mouth that is sucking their genitals.

So, for my fellow subs I'm going to say something we all too often forget. It's hard to be a single submissive out there. So many people, men especially are just after quick gratification and don't appreicate anything beyond spilling their load. These men often prey on subs who are so desperate for a dominant that they'll lower their standard in order to get that lovely subby buzz we all get when serving.

Make no mistake though. These men, and they generally are men, don't value what you have any more than they value their own hand when pleasuring themselves. So, please, when someone contacts you if they only seem after quick oral or sexual gratification, keep your standards high. Look for the person who will value and appreciiate the submission you'll offer. By keeping our standards high we force these people to either value submissives, or to realise that asking for a quick blow job from someone you've never met isn't really a good move.

To the dominants out there

I'm probably not talking about you in the above paragraphs. Many of you that I've met and talked to are lovely human beings. Please don't misunderstand, some of us subs are happy, and will even revel in you treating us as lower status, as there to pleasure you. But, if you're a real dominant, we know that you value us for allowing you to treat us in that way. You'll know that when I kneel, and begin to suck you I'm trying to sexually pleasure you. Knowing that you value the gift that a submissive offers though is what distinguishes many of you from the knuckle dragging idiots who send dick pics before their names. Or from the losers who simply say 'wanna suck my cock'.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I like to know someone at least a little before I start to talk about fulfilling sexual needs, even if I have a tendancy to get a bit slutty for a charming dominant.

My experience of chastity

If you're anything like me, you might be scared of chastity at first. You might not want to spend a lot on your first cage because you're not sure you'll like it. You might even be afraid of causing any damage to yourself. Well, this journal is not meant to be a guide, but it's meant to be a sharing of my experience. Your experience may be different. If you're reading this I hope it helps or entertains you.

Cheap Plastic Cages

My first cage was a Handsome Cock clear plastic cage. It's a knock off CB 3000. The CB consists of a tube, a ring, a back plate and some pins and spacers. The back plate has three holes through which points two pins and a locking pin. You slide a spacer on the locking pin and the ring that goes around your balls and cock attach to the two other pins. The tube then slides over your cock and onto the pins. That means that there are loads of moving parts. They are really easy to be pinched by. Shaving your pubic hair is essential. They're not amazingly comfortable, but  I do think the CB makes for a great starter device. It isn't comfortable for long term wear. I had to wear mine in four to five hour stints for about a month before I could make it for an entire day. It took longer than that of wearing for a whole day to build up to be able to wear the cage for a whole weekend. Don't plan to go from 0-100mph. Start off with short bursts wearing it and build up from there. After three years I tried to do 100 days wearing a CB3000. I managed it and managed it fine with no breaks.

Holy Trainers

Unlike the CB, the holy trainer has a solid unbroken ring that the tube attaches to. I worried about how I would force my balls through the single ring. What if I got trapped in the ring? Perhaps silly I know, but it was a concern. As it turns out that's not a problem when you get used to it. The HT has far fewer moving parts which means less chafing and less chance to get pinched. It took me a while and I started with the largest ring, but over time I've managed to get down to the second smallest size of ring. The downside of the HT is that the lock is built into the cage itself. I'm worried about the lock movement rusting so I always remove the lock and tube when I have a bath. My Holy Trainer was so comfortable compared with the CB that from day one I managed to wear for longer stints. I've been locked in my pink HT v3 since 1st January 2021. My hope is to last all year.

Lube

When I started trying chastity I didn't bother with lube. I find that nivea moisturiser is fantastic. Not only does it help your skin, but when first applied acts like a lube to help get the cage on. A water based lube is really helpful too, but if I had to start chastity again I would definitely use lube or moisturiser from day one.

Self Control

Self control is so important in chastity if you don't have a keyholder. For me I don't really enjoy my male genitalia. I think it's ugly and unsightly. I hate looking down and seeing it. I can't wait to have it gone. Masturbation's never been important to me for this reason though. What I found once I'd been wearing my chastity was that my desire to masturbate increased. I desperately wanted and needed to cum. What I did was try to go as long as possible before succuming to the desires. I forced myself to delay for an hour, or more before allowing myself to cum. It's easier with someone you have to answer to though. They will be able to punish or correct you. You can also get some great time locked boxes that you can pop keys into. That can really help. I found doing household chores when I got horny to help calm down. Finally, there's always anal play.

Anal/Vibrators

I don't know if it's universal but I have grown to LOVE anal play. Wearing a buttplug or riding a p-spot stimulator can be a great way to relieve that itch. You're still denied use of your cock, but you do get to feel some pleasure. I highly recommend trying out anal play at the same time as starting chastity play. If you're really naughty and horny, invest in a vibrator. If you're like me and trying to transition putting a vibrator between your legs and cumming can make you feel so much more feminine than tugging that thing down there. Extra bonus, cumming while in chastity is a feeling like no other. I tend to feel vulnerable and horny all at the same time. And the orgasms seem to last so much longer. I'm writing this plugged and caged and just writing and recalling my last orgasm has me physically shaking and short of breath.

Metal Cages

They are heavy and they make a lot of noise, but metal cages come in so many varieties. Personally, I don't like them. I haven't worn one longer than a weekend, so I'd advise being comfortable wearing a resin or plastic cage before even trying a metal one. They are definitely not for starters. They do feel inescapable and high security though!

This post didn't go as planned, but if you're curious about chastity, or want to chat let me know. If this was helpful to you, please let me know. I love writing and this has been fun to write.

Love and hugs, Tara xox

Since the last Journal

I was lost back before COVID. I did my best to go vanilla and try to deny my kinky side. When lockdowns hit I was gifted a huge opportunity. I was lost, alone and struggling. Fortunately, I had no one to answer to but myself.

On March 28th 2020 I chose to challenge myself to 100 days in chastity. I chronicled my time in chastity on my bsmlr blog. During those 100 days, I changed a lot. My chastity was uncomfortable with public hair. It would often get caught in the cage and cause pinching. So, I shaved my pubic hair off. At around the same time I was chatting to a friend who had a live in sub. She graciously took my keys and held onto them. She was really good for me and got me to push some of my limits. She encouraged me to explore my desire to wear feminine clothing. She bought me a maid's uniform, and donated several new sets of clothes.

On the 1st of July, my chastity challenge was done. As a reward, I bought myself a new holy trainer style cage. The only one available was a pink v3 size nano. It turns out that the smaller size was more comfortable. I went through the entire summer switching between the new holy trainer and old CB style cage. When lockdowns started to lift I got the chance to spend some time with my friend, serving her. She had me spent the whole of August serving as her in house maid. I lived for a whole month as a sissy.

Sadly, my friend's sub got really jealous and I had to head home. As winter drew in I began to think of what the new year would bring. More lockdowns and no work gave me loads of time to consider what I wanted to do with my life. In November, I began buying myself new bodage toys, new clothes, and preparing for my new plan.

I have been locked in my holy trainer chastity device since 1st January 2021. I do remove it for an hour at a time when I have a bath three times a week. Otherwise, I wear the cage 24/7. I feel sadly incomplete without it. Since January I have also been presenting at home and in my leisure time as female. I've been desperately trying to get my GP to prescribe me hormones but the process is slow going. I am, I feel feminine at heart. I chose my new name back in December. I'm Tara. It's a name that suits me I think.

Now that journals are back, I'm going to start writing them here again. Until then, it's nice to meet you honey. I'm Tara. Thanks for dropping by my journal. xox

I woke this morning with my member straining against the chastity belt I fell asleep wearing. It took my a moment or two in my hazy state to work out what was going on. My hand slipped down, instinctively trying to rearrange my underwear. Something felt odd, then I remembered last night.

I have a friend with whom I've long attempted to make plans with but my job and my own insecurities have many times got in the way. About a week ago I'd agreed to wear chastity for at least two and a half hours a day, spend three hours naked and wear ankle cuffs when speaking the them. I was also to shave chest and pubes. Unfortunately, I was called away last moment to the city where I was working. Despite this I did take my chastity belt with me and had resolved to wear it. A few days into being down in London, I had a moment of 'what the hell and I doing'. as I have said I go back and forth on whether I should even be into bondage in any way. Work meant I was working, eating and then attending networking events in the evenings which otherwise would be my free time. Needless to say I did not get the time to uphold the commitments I made.

Last night on chatting to my friend though we have arranged to meet up, which ought to be interesting. I'm keeping those days as free as possible. In an attempt prove I was serious I shaved and showed them my newly smooth(ish) areas and recorded myself putting on my chastity belt.

So this morning in my haze, I felt not underwear but a chastity belt and a smooth pubic region. My slow brain took a few moments to realise what was going on. I'd falled asleep in bondage and, after a year of not shaving I am newly shaved. It's an odd feeling of being newly shaved, but it put a slight smile on my face. It's a reminder, even when I take the belt and bondage off that I have recently submitted to another. The only problem is that as I type this, but cock is struggling against the two metal rings which hold it and prevent it from growing too much within the chastity belt. I'm going to have to get dressed and do enough to try and prevent myself getting hard when I remove it and my mind inevitably wanders to the fact that I am carrying around a little reminder of my attempts to submit.