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The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

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Pan Transgender Submissive, 36,  Chester, United Kingdom
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2023 Update! I'm Tara. I'm either a preop trans mtf or a sissy depending on how much you dislike the word sissy. I dont mind what you call me tbh. I discovered my femme side during the lockdowns and began to present as a woman in mid-2020. I'm still waiting on doctors to get transition moving along. I intend to transition medically.

Everyday life I've done a variety of odd jobs here and there. Currently working a warehouse job because it pays better than working in education and comes with less stress. That means shift work so work at odd times. I've got a lot of academic achievements. During lockdowns I got my Masters so done a lot of boook learning. All of it was pointless cause it never allowed me to get better work.

I read a lot, walk five miles every day for exercise and I love cooking and gardening. I also love chores and keeping my living space clean and tidy. I live in a house share so that can make indulging my kinky side difficullt, but am saving my money for somewhere of my own. When working in education I had a previous facepic sent to the charity I worked for who fired me. I then got doxxed, with my legal name, address, email and phone all published online along with death threats. I can and will show facepics or share videos with people as we get talking and some trust is built. I am sorry if a few bad apples in my past spoil it for everyone else, but safety is important.

Now, the bit you really want to know!

I am service oriented. I like to serve and do my best to make the one Im serving happy. I revel in domestic service and bondage. I do have a few limits but try my best to push them if it will please the person Im in service to. Put me in bondage and I become a real slut for submission. I become desperate to please in whatever way I can, domestic, sexual or any other way. I keep myself in chastity and have done since 28th March 2020. I only unlock to clean and shave. I love wearing corsets and stockings, they were what helped awaken my femme side. So, love wearing strappy heels, tight laced corset and an elegant dress. Pair it with some bondage, or throw me in a maid's uni and my really subby side flowers. Usually desperate to please my partner. Past BDSM Partners My first girlfriend was my first domme. I was really bad at sex and didn't know what I was doing. So we started experimenting with her hoping I woud improve. That sense of inadequacy awoke my sub side. We played with bondage, orgasm control, crossdressing, light spankings. She and I explored the very basics of kinks with her since becoming a prodomme. Go Keri!

There was a smattering of other dominant figures here and there from munches and the like but no-one I ever really felt comfortable with until my first experience with a man. Gary loved seeing me in restraints. Loved giving me instructions. It started online through this very site. As we moved to video call we realised we knew each other from a social club in the area. Before too long I was shaving every hair below my head, wearing collar and cuffs when in private, gagged and tied up to make him smile, and of course on my knees using my mouth to please him. It was for Gary that I first learnt to push my boundaries and explore the limits of my submission. I'd been terrified of nipple clamps and pain. He was the first I ever allowed to administer serious pain. It was for his smile that I first surprised him by handing him nipple clamps as a gift to use on me. It was for him too that I first locked up in chastity. He was my first keyholder. I owe so much of who I am as a sub to Gary.

It was Amelia who pushed me to explore myself even further. It was her whom I served as a domestic maid submissive. She would have me in bondage carrying our household chores. No sexual activity was ever on the table between us because her other submissive got too jealous. She allowed me my earliest chances of exploring my fascination with female clothing, hairstyles, and non-traditional gender roles. She held my key for all of the first lockdown as I struggled with true 24/7 chastity, monitoring me by video when unlocked for cleaning and shaving. It was her who gave me the courage to finally reveal myself as trans.
What I'm hoping for, what I can offer
I'd like a Ds relationship. One where we can share both our kinks and our vanilla pusuits too. I'd like it to be long term, and am curious if some of TPE is really possible. I am loyal above everything. My attention will not stray. If I serve you I won't be the one to leave unless the dynamic is harmful. As a sub I offer obedience, trust and respect. I generally hoping that the respect and trust is returned.













 Submissive Transgender


 United Kingdom

 Willing to Relocate

 5' 11"

 164 lbs






Actively Seeking:

Dominant Transgender

Dominant Female

Dominant Male

Switch Female

Switch Male

Domme/Dom Couples

Female Led Couples

Male Dom Couples



A Poly Household

 Lives For:




 Art Galleries

 Coffee Shops


 Musical Theater

 Renaissance Faires




 Eye Contact Restrictions

 Rear End Play

 Domestic Service


 Massage (Giving)


 Oral Service

 Shaved Pubic Hair

 Speech Restrictions



 Body Worship


 Canes and Crops


 Corner Time


 Erotic Hypnosis

 Erotic touch

 Foot Worship

 Gas Masks

 Hair Pulling


 Housework Service



 Masks (Wearing)

 Modern Primitivism


 Obedience Training

 Orgasm Control


 Clothing Selection

 Maid / Butler Service


 Role Playing

 Sensory Play





 Science Fiction


 Web Surfing



 Libertarian Politics


 Female Sovereignty


 Local BDSM Community

 Medical fetish play


 TV News

 Curious About:

 Electrical Play

 Pony/Puppy Roleplay

 Lifestyle BDSM



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Journal Entries:
4/16/2023 4:49:59 PM

Finding the happy

I don't know if people who aren't trans can relate to this, but one of the benefits of transition is beginning to see your body in the way that you always thought you should. Seeing your body resemble the way you feel inside.

There's a simple reminder of my transition that never fails to make me smile. If I happen to glance downwards, sometimes I'll catch a glimpse of my budding breasts and with the help of a padded bra they look good. It is the moments when I catch a sight of them and double take. It's still slightly unexpected to see my breasts so when I catch them I smile. This is who I am now.

You know the extra benefit of it? They're real tender and nipple clamps...wowser they're fun.

2/16/2023 7:06:17 PM

Dealing with Dysphoria

I recently had a bad experience with a really catty woman in a nearby town that left me looking anything but my best and questioning my transition. For those that don't know being trans in the UK is extremely difficult. On one hand you've got GPs that is doctors who actively stand between you and your transition. I've had some literally refuse to refer me to the right NHS services. I've had others suggest I should get counselling. I've had a few others be encouraging.

I don't know if it's common for every trans person but with every little struggle or set back I question if I'm really trans. There are so many situations in which I feel like a fraud, like I can't be a 'proper' trans person. Maybe instead I'm just a crossdresser or maybe something entirely different. Maybe I should just revert and give up on transition altogether.

For those that don't know there is this thing known as purging. A person questioning their gender identity will often revert back to their previous unhappy state and try to mask. For me in the early days it mean throwing or burning some really cute outfits. Fortunately, I'm past this stage.

Sadly, the catty woman in question pulled a chunk of my hair out and it will take a while to grow back. So, I'm in a vulnerable place right now where the dysphoria is really kicking in. Here's the good thing though...even though my brain is flooded with these thoughts There is nothing I appreciate more than those moments when I walk through a town and I don't get a second look. Those moments when I 'pass'. When I confidently stride along in my heels more skillfully than many naturally born women. When I look at myself and know for certain, I'm on the path to having my body look the way I feel it should. When I can look at myself and appreciate that I have done it. I'm on the other side of hormonal and medical transition.

I doubt the overthinking and the intrusive thoughts will ever go away but in an odd way, the catty woman pulling my hair out made me even more sure than ever before.

I am trans.

My name is Tara, I am transitioning to the feminine me that I always should have been. I'm not just a crossdresser. I'm not a sissy. I'm not a transvestite. There's nothing wrong if you identify as any of those. But I don't I'm more sure than ever before.

5/2/2022 8:45:00 AM

Being a bored submissive

I woke today with my thong having worked its way halfway up my bum. Peeling it off, I rolled out of bed and dressed. I'm not going anywhere today but still chose to dress nicely. Stockings, thong, underbust corset, nice flippy skirt black dress and my usual necklace which I never remove. After breakfast and a morning wash I applied my makeup and did my hair.

What to do with my day though?

I did all my household chores yesterday, and I'm not in work today.

Returning to the bedroom I pulled my largest buttplug from my drawer. A few moments of working it in and my plug is in.

Then I had a choice, thin leather, padded leather, or metal cuffs and collar? I went with my thin leather cuffs and collar. A few practiced flicks and I'm now wearing cuffs that have been locked on. A few more and there are now chains linking my ankles, and chains linking my wrists.

On hands and knees I reach into my toybox and pull out my largest dildo. Popping some earbuds in and some music on I get to work sucking that thing like my life depends on it. I'm on my knees, my hips wiggling for their lives, and my tongue flicking around the shaft as I try to take it deeper and deeper. I'm no good at deep throat and want to get better, so I'm practicing to be able to take it further in. I'm gagging, and drooling, my eyes begin to water and I'm curious what my makeup will look like when I'm done. Twenty minutes later my phone alarm beeps and I've done my practice. I keep going for just a little longer, slowly backing the dildo out of my mouth before licking and kissing the head. I pop the dildo in my cleaning box [a box where I put my toys to be cleaned] grabbing a bottle of toy cleaner and cleaning it.

While in the bathroom I take the time to change the pad in my panties. I've taken to wearing really small pads to keep the mess that leaks from my chastity cage sometimes from ruining good panties and thongs.

All through this I feel the buttplug doing its work inside me. I'm really fired up and so very horny, but my chastity cage keeps my former manhood tightly controlled. God I wish that I didn't have this thing sometimes. I close my eyes, imagining sliding my fingers up a pussy, my pussy. I bite my lip and reach a sneaky hand to my breast. It's still very small and I'm desperate for them to grow.

I decide that I'm being too tempted to play with myself so return to the bedroom, clean dildo in hand and pull my bondage hood from the toy box. Taking a moment to rearrange my chains, I pull the thick black leather hood over my head. Gathering up my hair into a ponytail as I do this. First I pull the laces as tight as I can. Then three leather straps to buckle and lock. My earbuds are still in so I when this playlist of music finishes it should have been about an hour. I pad my hand around blindly for the toy box and the padlocks. Taking a few my hand returns again for a key and a short length of chain. I clip the chain to the central ring on my collar. I double check it reaches the buckles before locking the padlocks on the hood.

Relinking my wrists with the chain I stand. I'm thankful at this point of two things. I'm wearing cute little ballet flats this morning and not heels. Second, I live in a flat so there are no stairs. I've done this before of course, I make my way over to the liiving area I have. I drop to my hands and knees and pad around looking for the rug. When I find it I lay down here.

Through my mind flies loads of thoughts. At first it's what if someone came into my flat right now? They'd find me, vulnerable, locked, horny. What if it was my landlord. I've never met him, but imagine that being the first time we met? My hips begin to grind against thin air again. Oh if only I had someone here to do naughty things to me, or to make me do naughty things to them.

It's not long before my mind starts wandering to other things. I hate this part of being hooded. I start to think about recent conversations with people on this site and others. In creep doubts and worries. What if I'm rubbish at communicating?

I'm lost deep in a ramble of thoughts and mental weeds as the music on my phone ends. I unlick my wrists, and reach for the key on the chain at my collar. I reach it round and one by one unlock all three straps binding this hood on my head. I always begin to start breathing deeper now. A sense of panic needs to be surpressed and I need to calm myself to slowly loosen the lacing on the hood.

Off comes the hood and I'm breathing fresh air again. I head back to the bedroom and get yet more toy cleaner for the smudged makeup on the inside of my hood. The buttplug is getting very irritating now too. Time to lube it again. I decide to relube the plug first which I'm glad of with how dry it is. Then I clean up my hood before replacing it in my toybox and reapplying my makeup.

Lunchtime. What to do for lunch? I've committed to a day in bondage so I'm not going out. I decide to make this kinky day more kinky, I'm going to have to suck off my dildo again. Lipstick once more smeared over the dildo, I make myself a salad and eat it while planning out some new kinky stories. It's been a long time since I've written so I'm going to start again I think.

After lunch, I return to my toybox for a vibrator wand. I plug it in, sit down and open my laptop. I always write kinky stories best when aroused. I can feel every inch of myself bursting to orgasm, but know that it's not going to happen. I still haven't been able to do much more than leak from the chastity cage. Even with advice I've not been able to sissygasm. I really wish I could.

I spend about three hour writing three new chapters of a kinky story though I only lastest with the vibrator sitting between my cage and my buttplug for about half an hour.

By the time I'm finished I'm still horny. I reach down the front of my panties and rub the dripping caged flesh I find there. Bringing my hand to my lips I suck on the sweet precum taste.

I head to the bathroom to sort myself, lube up my buttplug once more, taking the time to use the toilet while the plug is out, and then reinsert it.

Looking at the clock it's only 2pm. What do I do with the rest of my day?

Well, for one, I wrote this lovely journal entry and part two will come tomorrow.

Until then, thanks for reading you lovely people.

Tara xox

5/2/2022 7:23:29 AM

Conversations that just...end

I'm not sure what it is about this site, but one of the biggest problems I've encountered is when people message you, it's a good conversation and then they just don't take it any further. Now I'm a sub so it's going to be fairly obvious that I like to let someone else lead. So, if I'm talking to someone, it's all going well but then communication stops dead, I sometimes wonder if its my fault.

Should I be suggesting how to move forward from just chat?

Am I at fault for letting the conversation end?

Are these people just not interested in the first place?

Are they just interested in pleasuring themselves to a fantasy?

I honestly, don't know the answer to any of these, but I really wish I did. I even wonder how many other people have had these experiences.

Sorry for the random ramble, but I'm going to get back to writing my journal with some regular upddates soon.

All the best lovely people. Tara xox

3/24/2022 11:45:29 PM

A reminder to my fellow submissives

Today, I was hounded by a man who simply wanted someone to suck them off. They weren't interested in what I as a sub had to offer. Now don't misunderstand, I'm willing to degrade myself, or sexually pleasure another person in my role as a sub. I do have a rule though: at the very least they should appreciate what I am doing. The person I'm pleasuring should at the very least be able to appreciate me beyond just being a warm and moist mouth that is sucking their genitals.

So, for my fellow subs I'm going to say something we all too often forget. It's hard to be a single submissive out there. So many people, men especially are just after quick gratification and don't appreicate anything beyond spilling their load. These men often prey on subs who are so desperate for a dominant that they'll lower their standard in order to get that lovely subby buzz we all get when serving.

Make no mistake though. These men, and they generally are men, don't value what you have any more than they value their own hand when pleasuring themselves. So, please, when someone contacts you if they only seem after quick oral or sexual gratification, keep your standards high. Look for the person who will value and appreciiate the submission you'll offer. By keeping our standards high we force these people to either value submissives, or to realise that asking for a quick blow job from someone you've never met isn't really a good move.

To the dominants out there

I'm probably not talking about you in the above paragraphs. Many of you that I've met and talked to are lovely human beings. Please don't misunderstand, some of us subs are happy, and will even revel in you treating us as lower status, as there to pleasure you. But, if you're a real dominant, we know that you value us for allowing you to treat us in that way. You'll know that when I kneel, and begin to suck you I'm trying to sexually pleasure you. Knowing that you value the gift that a submissive offers though is what distinguishes many of you from the knuckle dragging idiots who send dick pics before their names. Or from the losers who simply say 'wanna suck my cock'.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I like to know someone at least a little before I start to talk about fulfilling sexual needs, even if I have a tendancy to get a bit slutty for a charming dominant.


11/8/2021 11:27:52 AM

My experience of chastity

If you're anything like me, you might be scared of chastity at first. You might not want to spend a lot on your first cage because you're not sure you'll like it. You might even be afraid of causing any damage to yourself. Well, this journal is not meant to be a guide, but it's meant to be a sharing of my experience. Your experience may be different. If you're reading this I hope it helps or entertains you.

Cheap Plastic Cages

My first cage was a Handsome Cock clear plastic cage. It's a knock off CB 3000. The CB consists of a tube, a ring, a back plate and some pins and spacers. The back plate has three holes through which points two pins and a locking pin. You slide a spacer on the locking pin and the ring that goes around your balls and cock attach to the two other pins. The tube then slides over your cock and onto the pins. That means that there are loads of moving parts. They are really easy to be pinched by. Shaving your pubic hair is essential. They're not amazingly comfortable, but  I do think the CB makes for a great starter device. It isn't comfortable for long term wear. I had to wear mine in four to five hour stints for about a month before I could make it for an entire day. It took longer than that of wearing for a whole day to build up to be able to wear the cage for a whole weekend. Don't plan to go from 0-100mph. Start off with short bursts wearing it and build up from there. After three years I tried to do 100 days wearing a CB3000. I managed it and managed it fine with no breaks.

Holy Trainers

Unlike the CB, the holy trainer has a solid unbroken ring that the tube attaches to. I worried about how I would force my balls through the single ring. What if I got trapped in the ring? Perhaps silly I know, but it was a concern. As it turns out that's not a problem when you get used to it. The HT has far fewer moving parts which means less chafing and less chance to get pinched. It took me a while and I started with the largest ring, but over time I've managed to get down to the second smallest size of ring. The downside of the HT is that the lock is built into the cage itself. I'm worried about the lock movement rusting so I always remove the lock and tube when I have a bath. My Holy Trainer was so comfortable compared with the CB that from day one I managed to wear for longer stints. I've been locked in my pink HT v3 since 1st January 2021. My hope is to last all year.


When I started trying chastity I didn't bother with lube. I find that nivea moisturiser is fantastic. Not only does it help your skin, but when first applied acts like a lube to help get the cage on. A water based lube is really helpful too, but if I had to start chastity again I would definitely use lube or moisturiser from day one.

Self Control

Self control is so important in chastity if you don't have a keyholder. For me I don't really enjoy my male genitalia. I think it's ugly and unsightly. I hate looking down and seeing it. I can't wait to have it gone. Masturbation's never been important to me for this reason though. What I found once I'd been wearing my chastity was that my desire to masturbate increased. I desperately wanted and needed to cum. What I did was try to go as long as possible before succuming to the desires. I forced myself to delay for an hour, or more before allowing myself to cum. It's easier with someone you have to answer to though. They will be able to punish or correct you. You can also get some great time locked boxes that you can pop keys into. That can really help. I found doing household chores when I got horny to help calm down. Finally, there's always anal play.


I don't know if it's universal but I have grown to LOVE anal play. Wearing a buttplug or riding a p-spot stimulator can be a great way to relieve that itch. You're still denied use of your cock, but you do get to feel some pleasure. I highly recommend trying out anal play at the same time as starting chastity play. If you're really naughty and horny, invest in a vibrator. If you're like me and trying to transition putting a vibrator between your legs and cumming can make you feel so much more feminine than tugging that thing down there. Extra bonus, cumming while in chastity is a feeling like no other. I tend to feel vulnerable and horny all at the same time. And the orgasms seem to last so much longer. I'm writing this plugged and caged and just writing and recalling my last orgasm has me physically shaking and short of breath.


Metal Cages

They are heavy and they make a lot of noise, but metal cages come in so many varieties. Personally, I don't like them. I haven't worn one longer than a weekend, so I'd advise being comfortable wearing a resin or plastic cage before even trying a metal one. They are definitely not for starters. They do feel inescapable and high security though!


This post didn't go as planned, but if you're curious about chastity, or want to chat let me know. If this was helpful to you, please let me know. I love writing and this has been fun to write.

Love and hugs, Tara xox

11/8/2021 10:39:58 AM

Since the last Journal

I was lost back before COVID. I did my best to go vanilla and try to deny my kinky side. When lockdowns hit I was gifted a huge opportunity. I was lost, alone and struggling. Fortunately, I had no one to answer to but myself.

On March 28th 2020 I chose to challenge myself to 100 days in chastity. I chronicled my time in chastity on my bsmlr blog. During those 100 days, I changed a lot. My chastity was uncomfortable with public hair. It would often get caught in the cage and cause pinching. So, I shaved my pubic hair off. At around the same time I was chatting to a friend who had a live in sub. She graciously took my keys and held onto them. She was really good for me and got me to push some of my limits. She encouraged me to explore my desire to wear feminine clothing. She bought me a maid's uniform, and donated several new sets of clothes.

On the 1st of July, my chastity challenge was done. As a reward, I bought myself a new holy trainer style cage. The only one available was a pink v3 size nano. It turns out that the smaller size was more comfortable. I went through the entire summer switching between the new holy trainer and old CB style cage. When lockdowns started to lift I got the chance to spend some time with my friend, serving her. She had me spent the whole of August serving as her in house maid. I lived for a whole month as a sissy.

Sadly, my friend's sub got really jealous and I had to head home. As winter drew in I began to think of what the new year would bring. More lockdowns and no work gave me loads of time to consider what I wanted to do with my life. In November, I began buying myself new bodage toys, new clothes, and preparing for my new plan.

I have been locked in my holy trainer chastity device since 1st January 2021. I do remove it for an hour at a time when I have a bath three times a week. Otherwise, I wear the cage 24/7. I feel sadly incomplete without it. Since January I have also been presenting at home and in my leisure time as female. I've been desperately trying to get my GP to prescribe me hormones but the process is slow going. I am, I feel feminine at heart. I chose my new name back in December. I'm Tara. It's a name that suits me I think.

Now that journals are back, I'm going to start writing them here again. Until then, it's nice to meet you honey. I'm Tara. Thanks for dropping by my journal. xox

1/25/2018 4:33:12 AM
So, here I am again browsing CS. Last week I was broken up with. No reason was given and no text returned since. We fell asleep with each other the night before. Then I woke up and according to our routine went and made breakfast for her. I sat on the floor next to her as she ate until she pulled me toward her by the ring on my collar. All this was fairly usual, but then she removed my chastity device and unlocked my collar. Not unusal as she does this if I have a meeting or she is away for a day or two. She then broke up with me though. she doesn't want me to be with her any more.

I've had no contact since. No texts, no calls and none returned.

After a week I've chosen to stop trying. I think beyond this point it's a little creepy to continue really.

So I'm left here wondering. Do i pursue a vanilla relationship with a kink twist?

Do I just return to the more open life of kink I had almost a year ago?

Readers of this journal of mine will be aware that I've struggled with the need to not disclose my kinky activities to the professional world I work in. I have tried to walk away from kink before now but somehow it's always snuck back in.

So I guess for now I'm kinky but alone. A period of readjustment is ahead I guess.

11/6/2017 10:14:51 AM
It's been extremely difficult leaving kink behind. I found myself desperate to feel the restraint of a chastity device. I found myself yearning for the firm grip of a collar. Desperate to please another. It's been months now though and those feelings have subsided. I picked up a job that I never thought I'd get. I moved into a new house. best of all I met someone in the vanilla world for whom, like me, sex wasn't that big a deal. It's been three months at this point since we've been together and it's all been quite charming and 'normal'.

Then, two weeks ago something happened to change all that. Up until now I've pleasured my partner with my hands with my tongue and the like, my partner has not had the opportunity to 'return the favour' as it were. There's been no complaints about that, nor have their been any questions. Then when my partner got their hands on me finally, they tied me to the bed and began stroking me. It took a good while, but as I drew nearer to that tipping point, I found myself asking if I could cum. I now know that my partner was not as surprised as I thought they'd be but in an effort to see if I was sexually submissive refused permission. Writhing and quite desperate I caught myself and realised what was happening. This had all started so very vanilla, but here I was acting like a sub again. I was a good boy though and didn't cum until given permission.

Since then, my partner and I have had a few conversations. My partner is extremely private and as far as the vanilla world goes, they are the best match for me that I have ever known. It's surprised me how quickly we seem to have fit together and into each other's lives on quite so many fronts. They do however have kinky proclivities and I am once again finding myself as a submissive. It's all slightly different in that we have very set times for our kinky activities, but I find it interesting how conditioned I am.

Through my years as a sub I've been under orgasm control on and off, but that control seems to have stuck. I found myself naturally asking permission to cum. Handing control of my pleasure to another. That control is now slightly extended in that whenever I am not in my partner's presence, I am wearing chastity. I am no better than pavlovs dog or skinner's rats. I'm conditioned. I'm submissive even in the confines of a more vanilla relationship.

So there you have it folks. Perhaps a sign that even out in the vanilla world there are kinksters in disguise. It's probably no great revelation, but I thought it worth a post.

9/25/2017 7:27:19 PM
Earlier this year I lost a job. Apparently HR departments in some companies run prose analysis on prospective employees. It's an interesting concept, but when they asked me if I had any blogs they asked if this journal (and the blog I back it up to are mine).

I've been without kinks for the past three months. I've gone from being sub to a really great dominant to being strictly vanilla and having deleted everything except this profile. It's been an interesting journey. I've removed all the trappings of kink from my life and I've actually been fine without them.

So, why am I writing this?

I won't lie, I miss being given strict instructions. I miss, in an odd way, chastity. I've actually not cum in over a year now, but not masturbating is not the same as being kept in chastity. I miss being kept naked and wearing nothing but collar and cuffs, a reminder that I am controlled by someone else. That I am doing something to please another. I remember being hooded, bound, and being ordered to type messages to a dominant while they were watching me on a video call. Of being in chastity and feeling like such a slut for bondage and control.

All of that said, I don't, as yet desire to return to that. I've got a new job at last and am relatively settled now. Leaving kinks behind seems to have been easier than previous attempts would suggest. I now have a totally vanilla life and a part of me wonders why I needed those things.

Not that I regret pursuing my kinks for a time. I learnt a lot about myself and do feel like I grew a little. I do wonder if in another few months I might be tempted back to kink. I'm dating vanilla world now and wonder if at some point that will lose it's novelty. Will my kinky side resurface? Will the artefacts of my kinks once again lure me back?

I don't know, but it's been an interesting three months. It may be another three before I post here again, but if I never do: thanks for reading.

6/29/2017 6:00:53 PM
Self-bondage sucks.

It's true, it does.

Self-chastity, also sucks.

When you are either unowned as a sub or in contact with a dominant online it'll often become necessary to implement self-bondage and self-chastity. Now, it'd be very easy to suggest some techniques that would help carry out self bondage, but ultimately without a dominant partner to be in bondage or chastity for, it's meaningless. There's no consequence, no reason, no motivation other than self-gratification. That runs completely contrary to what being a submissive is.

For me submission, or at least part of it, is trying to please a dominant. Trying to please and be of service to someone other than yourself. Sure, sometimes there's a need for a bit of discipline mixed in there, but on a simple basis, for me it's about the other person. I've had a lot of memorable moments as a submissive, and usually, they are so memorable because the powerful statements that were made then are moments of sacrifice.

I am not sexually attracted to men. Mainly because I find the penis something that is in no way aesthetically pleasing. Generally speaking I've been considered by a previous dominant asexual. They said this because sex is not a big motivator for me, neither is masturbation. Recently, I've been placing myself in chastity and that has changed things slightly in that my mind gets drawn to the idea of masturbation where it hadn't before. That said, one particularly strong submissive moment for me was when serving that same dominant who wanted me to suck another man's penis. She wanted me to be 'up close and personal with something you don't like the look of'. What struck me that day is the display of power from that dominant over both me, and the other man in question. Likewise, this man was also displaying his power over me. I still remember the feel of his hands clamping my hair and holding me tight. I remember the warmth of his penis as it was placed on my tongue. I remember my dominant stroking both of us as I was gagging and gasping for breath.

That dominant's power was amplified by my own need to serve, to please. I may not enjoy something, but to be made to do that thing because a dominant's power over me pushes me to want to please. After all, if a submissive is pleasing that power might not be used in the delivery of a punishment.

At this point, I fear this journal post is more of a stream of consciousness rather than the original point I was going to write about. Sadly, that original point has long since gone. So apologies if my rambling and reflection has felt like a waste of time.

Bye for now lovely people.

6/21/2017 7:40:41 PM
I've had a new chastity device for a little under a month now and have been easing into longer term chastity. as I write this I've not orgasmed in over eight months. Right now my device had been locked on me for thirty hours and it is not coming off at least until I wake tomorrow morning. I'm loving the permanent bondage that it is. Everywhere I go I'm bound after a fashion and it's so wonderful. Fortunately I'm too big for a small device and too small for a medium device so I actually can wear my normal device for longer periods of time with less discomfort.

I am, at present truly being ruled by my need to be bound, controlled and submissive. Everytime I go to the toilet and have sit sit down I'm reminded of the sub I am. Everytime I get home, undress and walk around my flat wearing just the device I feel like the bondage slut I am. I love bondage and I'll admit I was sceptical about chastity before trying it. I have to say now though that I'm glad that I did.

5/28/2017 6:00:24 PM
My collar is warm and heavy against my neck. It’s metal and it feels so good to wear, but for extended periods it goes between feeling natural and being very present. Right now, after having said goodnight to sir, my collar is practically screaming at me to remind me of it’s presence. I’ll be wearing this thing for at least another hour, longer if I fall asleep wearing it. My cuffs are snug against my wrists and ankles and my chastity belt is a strong and relentless prison for my penis. I am, right now in full on sub mode. My hips are writhing as I am desperate for release, but I’m attempting to be a good boy and to follow the rules that have been set out for me. In less than a week I’ll be meeting up with sir after all and won’t have the choice but to remain in restraints.

For those that don’t understand though, submission for me is about doing what I can to please the other person, the dominant. Sure, the selfish part of me loves bondage. I love the way my restraints currently hold me tightly. After a while though restraints become difficult to wear. There’s mild distractions or little annoyances that build. It’d be nice for example if this collar didn’t get quite so warm or feel quite so heavy. You brain screams at you to remove it at first so you can’t sleep. The thing is these discomforts, wearing the chastity I’m not just doing it because I enjoy being restrained. I’m doing it because hopefully, it pleases someone else. It’s like household chores, most people don’t like doing them, but it can be a nice thing to do to try and please another. It’s the same principle really, just with leather and metal involved!

So whilst, I can’t sleep because I’m horny as you wouldn’t believe and desperate to cum; whilst my collar is mildly uncomfortable; whilst the padlocks on my cuffs tinkle every time I move; whilst I’m still not used to having a shaved crotch; whilst I’m doing all this I must remember, this is all in an attempt to please another. I hope it does. I hope that not being able to fall straight to sleep is a pleasing thought to sir. I guess I’ll find out sooner or later.

5/23/2017 5:22:17 AM

I woke this morning with my member straining against the chastity belt I fell asleep wearing. It took my a moment or two in my hazy state to work out what was going on. My hand slipped down, instinctively trying to rearrange my underwear. Something felt odd, then I remembered last night.


I have a friend with whom I've long attempted to make plans with but my job and my own insecurities have many times got in the way. About a week ago I'd agreed to wear chastity for at least two and a half hours a day, spend three hours naked and wear ankle cuffs when speaking the them. I was also to shave chest and pubes. Unfortunately, I was called away last moment to the city where I was working. Despite this I did take my chastity belt with me and had resolved to wear it. A few days into being down in London, I had a moment of 'what the hell and I doing'. as I have said I go back and forth on whether I should even be into bondage in any way. Work meant I was working, eating and then attending networking events in the evenings which otherwise would be my free time. Needless to say I did not get the time to uphold the commitments I made.


Last night on chatting to my friend though we have arranged to meet up, which ought to be interesting. I'm keeping those days as free as possible. In an attempt prove I was serious I shaved and showed them my newly smooth(ish) areas and recorded myself putting on my chastity belt.


So this morning in my haze, I felt not underwear but a chastity belt and a smooth pubic region. My slow brain took a few moments to realise what was going on. I'd falled asleep in bondage and, after a year of not shaving I am newly shaved. It's an odd feeling of being newly shaved, but it put a slight smile on my face. It's a reminder, even when I take the belt and bondage off that I have recently submitted to another. The only problem is that as I type this, but cock is struggling against the two metal rings which hold it and prevent it from growing too much within the chastity belt. I'm going to have to get dressed and do enough to try and prevent myself getting hard when I remove it and my mind inevitably wanders to the fact that I am carrying around a little reminder of my attempts to submit.

5/11/2017 1:03:15 PM
For the last eight months at least I've been vanilla. Totally and completely vanilla. My life at work and my business just didn't leave time for anything but work. I guess everyone goes through cycles like this at some point. Often we spring clean or make small changes. For me the change was taking all of my bondage stuff and packing it away. It literally was a case of out of sight, out of mind. I've not been tempted by or thought about bondage or BDSM in the last few months.

On chatting to a friend though I have gone and unpacked those items. At least, I unpacked them a couple of days ago. So many thoughts flew through my head. Should I bin them? Keep them? It looked at the moment I opened the box to be items that were silly. What is wrong with me that I like to be in bondage?

Despite this, bondage, BDSM, kinks don't hurt anyone else. I know that there are times when they ramp up my enjoyment of time with other people immensely. When I'm alone and have little or no work to do my kinks provide me with fertile ground to develop myself.

So, here I sit wearing a chastity belt and some wrist restraints. They feel awkward, uncomfortable, and yet somehow as if they belong. Indeed, as I sit typing my mind is drawn to thoughts of my neck. To thoughts of what is missing. I love wearing a collar when in bondage, there's something about it that is ever present and focuses you. I'm not in service to anyone or owned by anyone so for now the collars will remain in the box, but oh how I love the feel of bondage. The way there's a little tug when I move a part of my body just a little further than the chains allow.

I think for now I should really embrace the submissive side of myself whilst bound so I'm headed to do a few household chores whilst the house is still empty. From what I recall household service when bound is fun, challenging and frustrating.

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