A Little's Brain

Everyone may have a different opinion as to why we are little and how it's comforting to regress, for those who do. Now, I cannot speak for why others become littles; I can only speak for myself. I have had a very traumatizing life. I don't believe in labels because well frankly they're just another way to continually brainwash you that you don't stand a chance or your less than. I believe there's enough out there already trying to break me down, I'll spare myself from that group as well. Regardless of my opinion on labels, I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder type 2, and Borderline Personality Disorder. Keep in mind that I'm only twenty years old. I'm also a bisexual female that is biracial and was raised in the Bible Belt. I've been molested, raped, beaten, and degraded in ways that only exist in movies. I KNOW right, I should write a book. At this point all I can do is laugh hysterically at the Universe's sense of humor.

Now that I've finished the boring back story, what I've found most painful about being a little isn't the judgment. It isn't the immediate interest from a wanna be Daddy/Mommy that is soon to wear off because they weren't ready for the commitment. It's the idea of knowing you depend on someone to show you affection to feel loved. It's knowing that they can make or break you. In my case, it always ends up with me getting broken. I'm used to it at this point, but you begin to get tired. I know my worth, I know I was hired as a freshman before there was even a position to be the mayor's intern. I know I'm the only freshman in the history of my popular university to be the lead speaker at our annual diversity conferences. I know by body is perfect the way it is because there is something out there for every woman and man, I know my worth. I can't seem to know what my heart is worth. I can't seem to let go of the abandonment issues. I can't seem to convince myself that I am lovable.

In many areas of my life I am very aggressive and dominant, I don't put up with any shit. Not from rude adults, from the elderly, not from jealous women, not from ignorant kids, not from men, not from my family, not from the authorities, no one. So when I am tired of being anti-evil all the time and by done I mean I am overwhelmed and more than likely experiencing a sensory overload...I just want to relax and feel comforted. When my brain regresses to deal with the bullshit, my heart starts looking. It starts to ache, it's like Aurora looking for Prince Charming. I know you I walked with you once upon a dream.

I experience a love that is always abusive and obviously never healthy. It's violent but never physically, only psychologically. It makes it challenging for people to understand at times because well they aren't leaving you covered in bruises and they aren't yelling at you about cleaning or cooking when they get home so how could this be violent? News flash motherfuckers, this isn't 1954.

My point is that having these challenges in my life has lead me to learn may things I am extremely thankful for. It's also left a deep and woeful mark on my heart that reminds me why I'm a little. Reminds me that all I want to do is get away from this scary world and be innocent again. That all I really know is love and that I don't know any better..