By Lord Ramirez  
I was on another group recently and I read the following question written by a male submissive: “How do I find A Mistress?” I have to admit that the question drew a bit of sympathy from me, not that I can relate, but rather that this particular pursuit is one of the hardest within bdsm relationships to find. As I have trained many Dommes over the years, as well as had many Domme friends, I thought I might tackle this question or at the very least offer a little insight based on my knowledge.  
As a male submissive, you are part of the largest demographic within heterosexual BDSM. Which is to say there are more male submissives within hetro BDSM any other demographic. Next comes male dominants, (though depending on location this may not be true and female submissives is actually the next largest), next come female submissives (Though as stated in some areas this is actually the second largest), and finally in the most rare quantity, female dominants. You are in competition for the smallest demographic within het BDSM, female dominants. I refer specifically to Heterosexual BDSM, as that is what is relevant in terms for a male sub looking for a femdom.  
So as you can see, you are staring at quite the uphill battle. In strict terms of ratio you are pretty much a dime a dozen. Because off this you have two choices…  
1) Seek out a professional Dominatrix.  
2) Pursue making yourself stand out as an exceptional submissive.  
I do feel putting both those options out there is relevant, because some people are not interested in doing what is required to make option #2 valid. To put this another way, if what I list to achieve #2 is too much work for you, or is not worth it, see option #1.  
So let us assume that you have decided to go for option #2. The next question becomes how do I achieve being an exceptional submissive. Exceptional submissives have certain qualities that cause them to stand out. They are (in no particular order)  
1) Personal Pride  
2) Loyalty  
3) Devotion  
4) Discipline  
5) Diverse in studies/interests  
6) Service  
7) Self Respect  
It is worthwhile to note these are important to any submissive looking to gain a partner, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.  
One might be quick to say “But I have those?” How often though this is not the case. Because trust me, I have known many Dommes that are not in relationships that would be so happy to find all these qualities in one person. So at this point if you really feel you are a living embodiment of all these values, you are probably already in a relationship, or you are deluding yourself, so see option #1. Rather lets look at each of these values independently, and from there you may choose to assess which ones you might have, and which ones you might need to work on. In the end it is not my place to say what a person has or does not have. All of this must be done through self-assessment.  
Personal Pride  
To take pride in oneself. This includes but is not limited to, Hygiene, Grooming, Appearance (dress), Carriage (Posture), Physique, Manner (Etiquette), and Language. Yup, it’s a lot, and this is just one category! Taking pride in oneself takes a great degree of effort. Sadly many of us have not spent time in boarding schools and places where these skills are required. So they have to be learned later in life. Very few people in this day and age get all this training during childhood. Even if they do, over time if not reinforced it goes away. It is so vast a set off skills, that while I will help sum up each one it is the submissive that must do their own research and assessment to achieve it. Most important in order for it to truly be personal, these things must be done because you know yourself to be worth it, and worthy of it, not because someone told you to do it.  
Hygiene- Pretty basic, keep the body clean, and smelling nice.  
Grooming- Hair, skin, and nails presented in a well cared for manner.  
Appearance- Clothes clean, well chosen, well cared for, and fitting both to the person and occasion.  
Carriage- Good posture both in standing and in gait (walking).  
Physique- To maintain a level of physical fitness. You do not need to have the body of an athlete, but fit enough to maintain a regular workout.  
Manner- Having good manners is a sign of good training. (VERY attractive to Dommes) If you have never been trained and ever want to be, get a basic book on manners and read it. Learn to use good manners.  
Language- Being able to communicate well is another hallmark of good training just as swearing is a hallmark of poor training. Good pronunciation, a strong vocabulary and the willingness to use it, can also go a long way in helping you to stand out, in a world where people tlk 2 b h8ed 4 txt. (yeah, I don’t get it either!)  
Loyalty  
This one is pretty easy as far a concept, but hard to “demonstrate”, as it is a quality that is observed rather than shown. I know people talk about “showing loyalty” but that really isn’t how it works. If you are loyal, your actions and behavior show it. What I will tell you is a lack of loyalty is very quickly observable as well, and the sharp Domme will pick up on it immediately. If you are planning to “trade up”, you are not being loyal. It WILL bite you in the ass. Because not only will your current Domme notice, but also it will effectively blacklist you from others who are worthwhile as well.  
Devotion  
Every so often you will see a malesub who will try to “serve” every dome in the house. Interestingly enough what they are doing is serving themselves, as what they offer is the chance to perform their kinks, on any Domme who is willing to use them. This is NOT being loyal, and actually dor so you think). When you stand by the values that show your loyalty to her goes a long way in not just impressing her but your community around you. You are not just honoring her, but honoring yourself. Ultimately brining honor upon the D/s or M/s dynamic you have.  
Diverse in studies/interests  
No one lives in BDSM 24/7. I’m not saying people don’t have 24/7 D/s or M/s dynamics, they do. I mean that they do not wear leather, whip in hand, 24/7. Having other activities outside BDSM allows you to be someone worth knowing. Doing things outside BDSM makes you an interesting person. Being well read and experienced in things outside BDSM makes you an interesting conversationalist and a fascinating person to know. Living a life that has more than BDSM to it makes for the times you do spend in BDSM activities more special. It also gives you more to talk about and experiences to share rather then just the next time you will play.  
Service  
Ok here is one where people really miss the boat. Offering sexual service, or opportunities to for play is not what we are talking about, yet it is often the first thing that male submissives offer. I mean honest to goodness service. Help them take care of their home, to do the work that they might actually need help with. Yes part of that is service in taking care of them during parties and events, but often what is really appreciated the most is the day-to-day mundane stuff. This also means doing it without a kink/humiliation aspect. (They probably don’t want to have to explain to their neighbors why some guy wearing a short pink dress and no undergarments was mowing their lawn)  
Self Respect  
Self Respect is sexy. No one wants to be around a person who does not see their own value. Knowing the you are a person of value you should treat yourself as such. Do not debase yourself. If a Domme wants you to do it, trust me she will make you. (and have a lot of fun with it) You should be someone of value, and you should be able to see that. If all you do is whine and complain about your faults or shortcomings, you will be perceived as weak and undesirable. Submissives should be strong, bending their will to those they serve. This does make a valuable submissive.  
Ok, Let’s say that we have all these things down. In truth these things should be in a constant state of flux, because we are all human, but we should always be working toward improving them. So you go online emailing every Domme who is or isn’t looking for a submissive right?  
WRONG!  
Even if you have everything listed in spades, just telling someone that in an email is not going to cut it. After all how do they know you are telling the truth? They get emails from subs every day (You just have to trust me on this, they do.) and they do not have the time to sort the good ones from the bad.  
Now you have to prove it.  
The best way is by getting involved. Find your local groups. Go out to events. If you are here on , that really should not be that hard. Go to munches, talk with people, let them get to know you.  
Here is another great tip…  
Volunteer.  
Yup, remember that service stuff I was talking about earlier, here your first chance to put your money where your mouth is. By volunteering to help with set ups, break downs, or in other aspects where service is needed, you can show your potential as a submissive. Not only that but by volunteering at events you get noticed by the movers and shakers of your community. How, you ask? Because they are the ones your helping. While they might not be your dream Domme, they will be much more predisposed to helping you find someone. After all, good help is hard to find. They wont want you to go away. Also, a lot of the times while you are volunteering you also get to meet people. By making good impressions when that dream Domme walks in and asks “Who is that hot guy I see always helping out?” They will not only tell who you are but give you a great recommendation. Once again since these are coming from the movers and shakers of your community, typically their word will go a long way. You will probably also make some great friends and play partners along the way.  
In closing I guess it all sums down to taking your role as a submissive and instead of being a dime a dozen become one in one thousand by becoming a great submissive. Be the diamond amongst the lumps of coal. (I could make the correlation between diamonds and women, but you get the idea)  
Although I mentioned it earlier, I will state again that this advice could be given to any submissive, regardless of gender or orientation, I just addressed it this way to respond to the post that I had read.