I went to visit my dad yesterday, seeing as it was the time of the month that I usually go over there and ask how he is doing, check on him, the house and make sure that if there is anything I can do, I do it. I did all of that, and walked out the back door..

Well, I have lived in this house for over 18 years, on and off, so I shoudl've known how this damn driveway is, but I had a blond
moment, and I forgot.

I was halfway down the driveway, and started to jog a little (bad idea), and that is when my little accident happened. One minute I am jogging along, and the next I am flat on my ass.

I slipped on black ice, landed with my left shin hitting the ice,and my weight on my right ankle/foot. I was fine, at first. I was able to walk/hobble to my best friends van, but as soon as I got in the pain hit. I usually have a mouth that would make a Sailor blush (ask anyone that knows me) but I was ten times worse. I tried my best to keep my mind off of the pain, but it did not work.

I just wanted to go home and rest. I was almost home when my Nurse friend told me that due to the fact that my toes were numb, my foot was swelling so fast, I should take my butt to either Express Care or the ER.. Seeing as the Express Care was going to take up to 3 hrs, I opted for the ER. While I was sitting there, my baby toes turned blue, and my foot was ice cold. I could not feel it for the hour we sat there waiting. I had to see the NP a few times while sitting there. As long as my foot turned back to pink, she said I was fine. I got 3 X-Rays done, each side of my ankle and the top of my foot.

After an hour and ten minutes in the ER waiting room, Ifinally was able to get into a room. I sat there and almost went into shock. It was a lot worse for me than I thought it could/would be.

The result: Badly sprained (almost broken) ankle/foot. The top bone of my foot was snapped, and I bruised the bones as well. I got lucky, they said if I had landed another inch either way, I'd be with a cast and a shattered foot.
 

I am on crutches, Vicodin and on rest. I hate sitting on my ass and doing nothing, but it has to be done. I am at my best friends house for at least the next four days.

I am to prop this thing up all day long, I can't put weight on it, I can not do anything but sit here and have others do for me. I need to rest, I know this, but the fact that I can not care for my children urks me to no end. I need to do things for them, but if I am not healthy, I can not do that...

We are putting my bills on my Dads house insurance. His premiums may go up a bit, but at least that way I do not have over $4,000 in bills due to pay. I was given some insurance paperwork, and sent on my way.

What a way to start my new year, huh??

I have worked really hard this year on one of my five resolutions for 2008.

To lose at least half of the weight I gained in my last pregnancy. I was 140lbs when I got pregnant and I was 200lbs when I had the baby. Grand total of weight gained: 60.5lbs.

I was a size 20 in Jan. Personally, I did not like it (I'll get to that a bit later) and I wanted to change my shape for me, no one else.

It is now almost the begining of 2009, and I can say I HAVE COME A LONG WAY BABY!!

I went out yesterday and as a late Christmas persent to myself I got 3 pairs of jeans. I had to try them each on, because I know that no two pairs will ever fit/be the same. I started off with a size 16, thinking I could fit into them. I can, but it makes me look like I'm sagging, and I am not that type of person. I tried a size 14, again the whole "load in the back" look wasn't for me..

So, off to the "smaller" sizes I went. I knew damn well that a size 10 would be to small(I have thick thighs), so I opted out for a size 12,thinking " No way in hell are these things going to fit."

I was wrong! Not only do/did they fit, they fit the way I like- damn near like shrink wrap..lol

I am so proud of me. I have been through alot this year, and this is the one thing I've done for me, not for anyone else. With the things I have been through in just the past two months, I could've sworn I went up in sizes, not down.

Now, unto why I did not like the way I look.

In 2002, I was 5'5 1/4" tall and weighed in at a little over 300lbs. Not only was this unhealthy, it was deadly for me. I have a weak spine, Scoliosis sort of takes the fun out of life at times, I had a weak heart (weight related) and my blood pressure was to high and I was given the options of "Drop weight or drop Dead." Nice way of saying to me "get off your ass and do something sweety." I didn't want to die, I had just started to realize how blessed I was in life. Anywho, I lost a bit of the weight, for me and my health.

October 5th, I was weighed for the 20th time in the ten months prior and when I saw the numbers on the scale I did the " I did it I did it" dance (that is what my OB called it). I was weighing in at 190lbs!! I was soo happy, I was healthier, I was lighter, and I didn't have to stick with those nasty ass Maternity pants of mine.

After that, my life changed. I'll share more later, but just know that I found out that I was the only one happy with my dramatic drop in weight.

Following that, I stayed thin. I couldn't see myself being the person I was before, that and my spine/body just couldn't handle anymore damage being done to it.

In August of 2004, I met my husband and he was happy with my weight ( 135lbs) and I seemed to be happy as well. Over the past two years and eight months, my weight has been a major issue for me. I have done my best to stay under 200lbs, because I know first hand what happens when I get that size, and I am not going through that ever again.

Some may read this and think " Well, you egotisitcal bitch, how dare you say that!." And that is fine, it is my personal choice to want to be the way I want to be. I know what is best for my body, and I have done nothing wrong by saying this.

Some will read this and think " Does she want a fucking cookie/pat on the back?!" Nope. I am proud enough of myself, I don't need it from anyone else. I have been on both sides of the fence, and if I can, I would like to stay on this side. For my health, I can not be that big, I will die, and I am too young to do that.

I think a weight loss of fourty pounds in just under a year, is great! I have another twenty to lose, but I am sure I can do it. Actually, I know I can.

So, yeah I am a bit proud of myself. I have went through alot this year, and to see the hardwork I've done finally pay off, I don't care what others say/think/feel about it I am doing this to make myself happy. I've worked hard to get to where I am, and I am not stopping now.

And being that I am very stubborn, I know my goal weight will happen, and maybe even a bit smaller. All I can say for now is, I'm happy with the way I am. And for me to say that, means ALOT!!

For many years the words " I Love You." meant more to me than anything else, they meant that that person cared as deeply for me, as I did them. It meant I was save, it meant that I was special, that they truly accepted everything about who I was/am.

That was, until those words became just 3 more words. Three little words that were so full of hatred that it was sickening. Three little words that when said, I cringed in fear.

Slowly, those words are starting to have meaning again in my life. I have had to learn that saying " I love you." is not something to take lightly, but if you feel it, say it, because you may not have another chance to do so.

My former use to tell me " Girl, you have a heart the size of Texas, but your brain is the size of Rhode Island."

Some would take that as a insult, but He was right. My heart is twice the size of my brain when it comes to relationships. I follow the heart instead of the head, and it has sometimes ended me up in some really bad situations. But, I've always done it anyways.

Why? Well, other than being cynical, I feel life is a journey. And if I do not allow someone to know that I do have a heart, I will end up miserable and alone for the rest of my life, not something I wish to do.

Sometimes, many times actually, my head has kicked in and tried to take over, but I always find a way to keep a balance between the two of them, sometimes.

In order to accept others, one must for learn to accept themselves.

How many times I have heard that and nodded in agreement, but never really knew the true meaning behind it.

I have always had a hardtime accepting who I am, what I look like, the whole nine. I have always been my own worst nightmare in this area. I can tell you a million and twenty things that are wrong with me, but I'll be damned if I can name 1 thing that is good about me.

My entire life has been full of degrading remarks made about me or to me. So, with that, I have became accustom to degrading myself. I walk around most of the time with this 'I'm not good enough' feeling, and feeling like I am not worthy of anyones love/affection.

I have spent the past four years of my life in a mindfuck of a relationship. One minute, I was treated as if I were made out of Gold, so precious to Him that he'd give his left arm to make me happy, then the next being told I was worthless, trash, ugly, fat, the list goes on. I stayed because I believed him. I believed every word that came out of his mouth, as it had been told to me for over half of my life anyway. If he said it, it must be true, Right? WRONG!!

I am on a journey of life to learn that my true beauty is not on the outside, it is on the inside. I just have to find it again and believe that I am worthy of anything in life that I want/need/desire.

I have got to learn that I am a good person with a good heart that has been treated not so good in life, and it is not my fault. I am not the one to blame, I am the 'victim' of their abuse, not the cause of it.

It's not going to be an easy journey, 20 years+ of being told nothing but negative things is going to be hard to erase, but I believe with everything else I have been through, I'm capable of this as well.