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lilbitchlisa - photo 1
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sissyk247RAVENSCORN mistressandcuck1 SissyKinkerbelleWeNeedaWoman

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It is long over due to update this profile and to begin some journal entries. At present I am no longer looking, this situation may or may not change in the future. After having done something utterly stupid and selfish,it has become clear to me that I must step back, regroup, rethink that for whichI had beenasking and utimately determine if it is what Iwant, and if Im willing to pursue it, for real. Unfortunately,this comes at the expense of another on here, someone whoexpressed interest in me, and I in them and who extended a hand of help, trusted my words, and was ultimately let down and decieved by me. I wont make excuses, butwill simply acknowledge that fact. Okay, here goes. What You are viewing is a 45 yo, wm , ns, nd, who has cd all hisher life.(Not to mentioned dreamed of being a woman) Always had my own breasts, found out later in life I had a higher than normal level of female hormones in me...go figure. Somewhere along the road of dressing and purging, my eyes were opened to my submissive side. God how I love to serve, and do not get me started about getting other people excited, it makes me so hot. Anyway, I am currently married as well, looking for a strong Dominant Domme who understands this side of me and would enjoy the trial and tribulations of developing it further. I know being married is a huge obstacle for anyone interested, but I have faith the right person will eventually come along and help guide me to what I truely need and desire. Which is a LTR TPE Total ownership opportunity. Bored yet? My experiances are varied and many, and yet I am a complete novice. I oft times think of myself as a diamond in the rough. Well educated, successfull, but that hasnt satisfied my need. Still interested? Send me a note and we can discuss things further. lisa

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9/18/2009 10:03:43 AM
Chapter 2....The Awakening

It was dark along the stone paved roadway, behind me I could hear the barking of the dogs.  Turning my head I could see them running towards me.  As I struggled to move my legs, they did not reply, the harder I fought to move, the harder it seemed.  My sides ached, my lips were dry, a bitter taste my mouth.  I was in a panic and had to escape, you could hear the footsteps of the dogs behing me, about to pounce, and suddenly I screamed and awoke.   Fuck, I thought, A nightmare, relaxing slightly.  I was in a fog, fighting back the darkness, trying to see, knowing I was in my bed.  Trying to move my legs, I realized they must be caught up in the sheets and blankets.  I still could not see through the darkness and laid my head back down.  But where was my pillow?  All I could feel was the hardness of...the headboard? And dammit, why won't my eyes open?  As I tried to move, I felt the pain in my side again, realized my arms were behind me, they were stuck, no tied.  My legs too wouldn't move, my ankles and knees were held tightly together.   As the fog in my head began to clear, my senses (those available) began to kick in.  As I licked my lips, my tongue could taste the bitterness of the glue on the duct tape, feel it's stickyness, my brain slowly realizing there was tape over my mouth.  In a similar fashion, I began to understand my eyes too were open, but it was black, I could feel something across them.   And then the nights events began to come back, the motorcycles, the beating, the long ride to nowhere in the trunk.   Where was I???  I could smell the musty air, slightly damp, tinged with the aroma of stall beer, cigarrettes and urine.  Beneath my body was the cold hardness, from the touch on my face, I summized it was concrete, cold, hard, damp.   As I lay there, with my nose and ears taking in all they could, I heard the occasional creak above my head.  Someone moving?  And then I heard the faint rumble of motorcycles, which grew louder as they approached.   My heart rate began to quicken, not knowing what was instore.  

After some time, god knows how long, I heard footsteps, like boots walking down stairs.  A hand grabbed the hair on the back of my head and arched it backwards, as I felt fingers fumbling and then "swoosh" the duct tape was off.  Ouch, I thought.  My eyes closed to tiny slits at the bright light, as they slowly adjusted, I could make out the faint trappings of a basement.  At the same time, those nameless hands quickly removed the tape covering my mouth.  My tongue began licking my lips, moving around inside my mouth, trying to wet everything.  Suddenly, a large round object was thrust into my mouth, I could feel the coolness of the water as it sprayed out.  I gulped, trying to drink it all as it entered.   The object was deep in my mouth, almost touching my adams apple, I had to struggle not to gag and yet at the same time, I swirled my tongue around it, trying to wet my mouth.  The cool wetness felt good.   And as quickly as it started, the flow stopped again.   I heard a womans voice say, "If you want more, you'll have to suck".  

Sealing my lips around the object, I began sucking, feeling the reward of water.  Stopping to allow air to escape back into the bottle and sucking again.   "You do that well" she said.  

It was then I realized, the rubber cock shape affixed to the water bottle top.   At this point, I didn't care, I was happy to have the water. 
As quickly as it started, it stopped again, the little cock ripped from my lips.  The hand violently shoving my head forward, smacking it on the ground.   Christ that hurt.   

I felt the hand on me, felt my body being rolled over so I lay on my back.   Without warning two knees landed on my chest, knocking my breath out.  I could see the hand rise, and suddenly..slap, slap, slap.  Stinging my face, I could hear her laughter.  

"Do you know why your alive" she asked.  Without pausing she answered her own question."Because you're a sissy, and I thought it would be great fun to abuse you. Otherwise, you would be dead right now."  To accentuate her point, she punched me in the nuts.  I tried to move, but couldn't, held in place by the ropes and by her weight on my chest.   "And" she added "If you displease me, you'll still wind up dead" , quickly followed by another blow to my balls.   I was moaning now, moving my head from side to side, trying to digest everything, trying to avoid further pain.  But she was having none of it, grasping my manhood through my jeans, "Look into my eyes" she said, "This" squeezing her hand "and everything else about you belongs to me.   With that she jumped up slightly in place, causing her knees to rise and again compress my chest.   I was helpless, laying there, tied, all I could do was suffer.  No one would miss me for days, until Monday at the earlyist when I failed to show up for work, perhaps longer, who knows.  

The woman certainly wasn't waiting.   She said "My name is Scarlett and this is JoJo and Blue". Turning my head slightly I could see two other women who I'd failed to notice earlier.   "Let's get her up girls" said Scarlett.  With that, I could feel my shoes and socks being removed, and suddenly the rope around my ankles was gone.  Each woman grabbed an arm, and rolled me to my knees and then into a standing position.   I couldn't do much as my knees were still tightly bound together.   That didn't matter much to Scarlett, with a girl on each side, she quickly punched me in the balls, all I could do was bend over, held in place by the two other women.   With that Scarlett untied the ropes around my knees and quickly began to undo my belt, unsnapping my jeans and pulling my pants and underwear off.   Afterwords she attached a metal cuff around my ankle on one side, and then roughly pulling my other leg, repeated it again.   I was chained, partially naked, legs spread apart.   Scarlett seemed to think that was an invitation, and quickly kneed my groin. 

Fuck, this was getting old, and very painfull.  

I could feel one of the other girls begin untying my arms, and Scarlett quickly saying "Wait" followed by one, two, three swift blows to my groin.  Tears were beginning to form in my eyes, I felt like I was going to puke.  Through the pain I heard Scarlett say "That should hold her!"  As my arms were quickly untied and again fastened above my head, spread eagle.   The girl on my right, JoJo I think, began violently ripping my shirt off.  No sense in saving it I guess :o).    

9/17/2009 9:55:32 AM

Where did the summer go???  Seems like it only started and now we're preparing for the wintery white stuff...ugh.  As you'll note, I haven't written lately, and when I have it's been rather serious, so in the words of William Forrester, it's time for dessert.    

Act one, scene one, "The Great Divide"...Or "How to bring out the woman in You"  :o)...

Chapter one:   The Capture.

Have you ever driven in the mountains at night? I mean the real mountains, where not a single light shines after dark, where moonless nights make the road feel like darkness is closing in on you?   Places like Tennessee, West Virginia, Northern New York or New Hamsphire?  Well that is where I found myself late one Friday night, on the way to meet some friends for an annual weekend reunion.  The cabin we rented having been in the mountains. It was dark, I was late, hurrying to arrive after work, after a three hour drive.  The blackness was enveloping, all around, seemed to gobble up the light from my headlights.   I slowed the car as I approached the stop sign, across the way, in the opposite corner was an open field, in it I could see a large group of motorcycles.   Forty, maybe more, it was hard to see in the dark.  Feeling a little uneasy, I stopped and turned right, leaving them behind.  Sighing a little bit of relief, chilled by both the cool night and the darkness and thoughts of what could go wrong.   

Suddenly, in the rear view mirror, I could make out the din of lights, hear the approaching growl of engines, instinctively knowing it was the motorcycles I had seen.  Ever so slowly they began to catch up, I could see them behind me now, and suddenly they began to pass.  Once again, breathing out a slight sigh of relief, glad they were hurrying on to whatever destination was calling. The feeling of calm was short lived, as more motorcycles appeared behind me, and as some moved forward, I found myself surrounded.   Front and back, on my left side, motorcycles all around.   I became worried as the ones in front began to slow, I too could only slow down or hit them.  I certainly wasn't looking to harm anyone.  Finally, as the brakes light illuminated, I realized we were all stopped.   Here I was, in the middle of no where, on a dark moonless night, surrounded by motorcycles.   What could I do?  I began to shake, as the ramifications of the situation sank in.   

I jumped with knock at the window, there stood a big burly biker, in leather jacket, beard willowing in the breeze, huge rings on each finger, which he used to tap on the glass.   With out thinking I opened the door, immediately hands grabbed my shoulders, pulling me from the car and throwing me to the ground.  As I rolled trying to regain my feet, the blow came, a kick to the ribs.  Followed by another and another, a punch, a kick, as all I could do was cover up and try to roll to protect myself.  I was panicing, thoughts of death racing through my head.   Somewhere in this cloud of fog, I heard the trunk of my car open, stuff flying to the ground as it was flung out, heard the snap, snap of my brief case and then the snickers and laughs.  Shit! They found my stash, Lady Boy magazines, Womanhood,  I heard a womans voice or two, heard the laughs.  Something was said, I don't know what.  Only that I was rolled roughly over onto my belly, my hands brutally pulled behind, I could feel my wrists being tied together.  Duct tape was applied over my eyes and mouth.  Rope was tightly wrapped around my ankles.  I could feel the hands as they grasped my body and unceramoniously threw my into the trunk.
As I lay there, I could hear the music as it blast through my speakers.  I could feel each bump in the road, the soreness of my ribs and head, the chill of the night air.  God knows what I was in for.      

6/3/2009 9:55:10 AM
  Howdy all!!!  We today is Hump day (has a special meaning for us all :o)) So it felt like a good day to write.  Weather is improving day by day, getting warmer and more spring/summer like, always nice to see the trees and grass come alive.  I think that is what draws people to the wintery climates, that annual hommage to life, to fresh starts, to new awakenings.  Quite a pertainent topic, wouldn't you agree? 

Weekend was nice as well, barring the duel with wifey.  Apparently she feels like we're heading to a point of no return.  Part of me wishes for that, and the other part remembers why I married her, love existed once, but will it again?  Stay tuned for that saga. 

I was mulling over some thoughts yesterday, regarding the desire to be a slave, and the difference between that and submission.  Let me interject and openly admit I'm no expert, not even a novice on the subject, all I do is print my thoughts.  Feel free to agree or not, and of course I'm always open to comments. 

In any event I wondered about me, whether I truely had the internal strength and more importantly the true desire to be a slave as I so often have cried.   What is in a persons physical make up that they are a slave, is it genetic or a conscious decision.  Are they stronger or weaker for that?  Personally, I think it takes a very strong person to follow their dream, any dream, work, private, slavery, submission, etc.   Which leads me to think and question whether I have what it takes and why is this so appealing to me.  Would I still have such a strong desire if my sexual drive was extinquished?  If I lived this day in and day out, until it became everyday druggery, would I still have such a burning desire?  The same thought holds true when you're old and grey, past the "young and sexy" prime, what do you have to offer? Is the desire the same?  

I like to think it is in my case, but who knows.  I know I purge and come back, delving farther and farther on each return.  Perhaps if my marriage fails, then I will truely know.  Albeit, regretably if the answer doesn't align with my fantasy's.  

On a more personal level, I do know the thought of being able to shave, dress at a whim, to explore further by visiting others, visiting meetings really is exciting to me, and most likely why my marriage is where it's at?!?  

Oh well, if you've read this far, my thanks.  I'll return to write another day, but I make no promises as to the quality or content.  In the mean time, think smart, stay safe and live to see another day.


5/28/2009 9:41:05 AM
Last evening, I had the opportunity to reflect on life.  I'm sure others have come the realization that one's life is a fleeting moment in time, one that lasts for such a brief period and then we move on.  Depending on your prediliction of course, that journey may focus on rocks, cows, or hairy men nailed to a cross.  While raised catholic, I tend to discount the thought that someone is watching over us, and yet...When you gaze up into the stars at night and see the billions of flickering lights, how can one not think there is more to life, more to earth, than what we know?  And if that's true, then the belief in something greater naturally follows.   How does this relate to the desire to be a woman, and to be the slave of some stronger person?  Well that would be a very good question, one I'm not sure I can answer at this point.  But rest assured, this is but one of many thoughts that has escaped, from that orb referred to as my brain.  

Inner Strength?  Why is it so important to want others to approve of our desires?  If I had but one shred of self assurance, I'd be well on my way to womanhood.  What is it that makes us afraid, and why are others able to do so?  Do they really not care about others opinions, or is it the drive and belief in themselves?  I liken it to being a coward, afraid at the key moment, going so far and failing, withdrawing.  And yet, inexplicably being drawn back again.  Most likely a psychologist would understand, even perhaps have a name for this condition, for these feelings.  It's clear they do not disappear as I thought they would.  It's clear the concept, desire, burning to be female at all cost is there (albeit not always strong enough to overcome fear).  What to do?  what to do?   

Well if you've made it this far, you have both my sypathies and my admiration, look for more to come.  Take care and be safe.  

4/27/2009 9:59:40 AM

After so long on CM, it is time to finally begin jotting down my thoughts, something I should have been working on all along.  Everyone is welcome to peak inside my brain.  If you care to reply, I'd welcome the input, with the exception of vulgar, hatefull responses of course.   As for me, well I recently had quite the eye opening experiance, one which unfortunately came at the expense of another here, and for that reason I will no longer be advertising myself as "looking" until I get a handle on who I am, and what I'm willing to do, how far I'm willing to go to pursue this dream (or fantasy) inside my brain.   Everytimg I sign on, it is truely amazing to see all the lovely and beautiful people on here, (not that anyone is intentionally ugly), but it is quite obvious that many of the girls here have worked hard, devoted themselves to being all female, and have accomplished that goal.   Speaking of which, I'm sure others out there struggle like I do, between the social norms (and fear that accompanies them) and the deep rooted desire to be female.  I would love to have some indepth discussions with you about that topic.  Also, on a further side note, I have set a goal for myself to attend a local meeting (I've heard the term munch used), so if anyone is aware of a novice friendly atmosphere I'd be obliged to know.  Ideally I'm in western NY and would like something in the PA/OH/NY area out of my home town area.  What I'm hoping to find is an environment where I can go and ask questions, meet lifestyle people and discuss my feelings.  In an ideal situation this would involve Owner & Slaves, or Dom(mes) / Subs, so that I can begin to understand more.   Well this is step one, gotta run, look for more.

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