I admit it. Knife play is scary.  It probably requires more trust than anything else in D/s.  I’ve only had one encounter with it, and oddly enough it was during my very first D/s experience. If it had been anyone other than Him I would have been petrified. 

I was kneeling on all fours on the bed, back to the door, with my best panties on and nothing else. I had waited for a long time, heart pounding, having left the door ajar for Him (or in fact anyone else) to come in. I was so nervous, not knowing what to expect of the 3 days I was about to have in that hotel.

He entered the room, silent, not allowing me to make eye contact or speak.  I couldn’t see what he was doing at first but then I heard the rip. He was cutting off my panties with a box cutter. First I thought “Holy crap he has a knife.” Then I thought “Dammit those are my best panties.” and finally I thought “Shit this is HOT.”

I was confused, wondering what I could possibly have thought was hot about the possibility of getting shredded to bits.  Then it occurred to me that it was the ultimate definition of power exchange. I had voluntarily kneeled that day, head down, unable to see or move, while he slid the back of a cold steel blade against my pale skin. I trusted Him completely. In fact I had no choice but to trust. It was my first truly submissive act. It was the beginning of the most thoroughly erotic experience I had ever had or have had since.

I have mentioned my conservative upbringing before.  The stark contrast of what I was now a part of to what I was taught growing up was astounding.  I am no longer a lady when the doors close, I am a whore. I will admit the thought of how shocking this behavior would be to my family and friends it part of the excitement.  It is my dirty little secret.

The other, more compelling part of this new life is the ability and the willingness to surrender myself completely to Him. The undeniable need to be controlled by Him, the mixture of trust, fear and awe I feel in His presence.

The hours and days that followed that were a mind-blowing awakening. The combination of fear, respect and arousal were intoxicating.  To this day I get wet at a mere word from Him, even from our most basic conversations.  I am especially aroused at the thought of doing it all again. I’m sure there are more adventures to come, more trust to be required, and more chances for me to give of myself.  I will do my best to please Him, to be whatever and whoever He wants me to be.

This is what it’s all about. I get it now. I surrender eagerly. And to think, it all started with a knife.

My Weight journal. To be updated weekly.

My weight as of 3/27/2011 is 217.6

My weight as of 4/3/2011 is 216.4

I think what fascinates me most about assplay is the taboo nature of it all.  A true lady would never dream of doing it although I bet a lot of them do.  It just seems wrong on so many levels and I think with me it has been somewhat of a delayed rebellion against my so-called proper upbringing.  You can only force so much repression on a girl before it starts having the opposite affect. Call me a late bloomer if you want.

I remember my first assplay experience. It wasn’t exactly “play”. I was in my mid-twenties and we were wasted. He had accidentally slipped out of my pussy and then tried to ram back in but missed and hit my ass.  He pounded me a few times before either of us noticed….no lube, no warning, and it was the worst pain I have ever encountered. I thought…”people do that on purpose?”  Oddly enough, after that, any time I was around porn I noticed that the anal scenes got me the wettest. I guess my curiosity got the better of me with the anxiety being part of the fascination.

Cut to last year when I reunited with an old lover when we discovered after a long break that I had become a sub and he had become a Dom. (That explained a lot). He informed me that he would be making quite a bit of use of my ass and I better learn to love it. I needed no encouragement there.  Boy did He ever make use of it.  He showed me how deep my craving ran, how much I loved being His whore.

The hottest memory I have of Him is Him with a Hitachi Magic Wand on my clit, a rabbit in my pussy, and fucking me in the ass all at once. It was my birthday present. It was a great present.  He had previously asked me what I had been fantasizing about and I had shyly admitted that it was double penetration. Ask and ye shall receive I guess.

I can’t get enough of it now. I have this string of red rubber anal beads that I practice with both when I’m with Him and when I’m missing Him. I love those beads.

As one chapter ends, so another begins. Now I’m moving back to my hometown after being gone many years. This is a place where BDSM would be shocking if it were even spoken of. This makes it all the more exciting to return.  There is a Dom there that I’m hoping to please with my willingness to explore, and the sole use of my ass for His desire. In my mind I am already His, bending to His will, being servant to His whims. My heart beats faster just writing this, hoping reading it will please Him, wondering what’s next. He was my first submissive experience and the hottest, the demand for complete surrender. I crave Him, and so does my ass.