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| Just looking for friends within the local area. Dipping my toes back in this big pond. Im opinionated, sarcastic and too nosey for my own good at times.
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Time for more of my ramblings..lol
Things are going really well between U/us at the moment and i have never been as happy. W/we had had a really good week, which had also included me being flogged earlier in the week, just for His pleasure. Now i don't know whether its the fact that i hadn't done anything for a rare change or the fact that it was purely for His pleasure that this was happening, but it took pain without punishment to a whole new level for me. I had and still have more bruise/marks etc than i have ever had. But where the words 'His marks' etc are usually thrown around on site like this. I can honestly say for the first time because they were not inflicted by anything that i did or didn't do, they are His and i love them..lol. And am actually quite upset that they are going. Maybe it is a mind set. Punishment can last under 5mins, hurt like hell and bring on floods of tears. When something like that can go on and on, hurt in a new, mind blowing way and only draw a few loose tears.
I have just realized what a brat that last statement make me sound like.lol. First time in all our time together that i hadn't actually done anything...opps. But what an incentive for being good..lol
Yet a messed it all up by friday evening, but that a whole new journal entry
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Ive had quite a busy couple of weeks between Master, work, and my various other vanilla commitments, it make my wonder if i am doing any of them very well. The only grace being that Master has also been a bit busy with various vanilla stuff, which i can at least be grateful for.
Although when everything else has permitted, W/we have spent sometime together, smiles
A couple of weeks ago W/we had a conversation in which Master stated that He thought i was quite 'closed' as a person. Not towards Him, but in the sense that i am quite guarded in who i let into my life and what i allow them to know, or what i allow them to see. At the time i brushed this off, as His judgment of me and His view. But isn't funny how brushing something off is not that easy when it provokes thought..lol. So it left me with the question as to whether i have built a wall around myself and only let in a selective few? and being the 'need to know everything type of person' that i am, if so why?. I have no unresolved issue from my past that i need or want to keep hidden. I have no shame in who or what i am. so why?
I decided to add to my personal diary (which is mine and read by none) and list everything that i though it might be and answer each one in turn. Maybe i'm just bloody minded and needed to know, just for myself.
So if i don't allow people into my space and am guarded with what i allow them to know is it because?
1. I may get hurt? Answer No.
I can usually deal with anything is presented to me within that.. I have always be able to just allow myself to feel jealous, hurt, sad, set myself a time limit for feeling that, put it in a box and move on. May sound clinically but works for me.
2. I maybe disappointed? Answer No. Everyone disappoints at one time or another (including myself) so why put up a barrier to stop the inevitable?
3.Because i think i'm better than them? Answer No. I see most people as being equal from the Binman to the Barrister. To put it bluntly is someone is a prat they are a prat not matter who they are.
Now i must admit that i only got this far with my questioning because on reading back on what i have written it seemed to make more sense if you flipped the coin so to speak!!!
So i re-asked the question.
So if i don't allow people into my space and am guarded with what i allow them to know is it because?
1. I don't want to hurt them? With people close to me, family etc, that really is quite true.
2. I don't want to disappoint? Maybe i happy with who/what i am, but it may disappoint others
3.I think there are better than me. Maybe if they knew the real me.
So is this barrier i put up to keep others out, or me in??? and maybe i only let a selective few see me, the real me. Does that mean i'm not as Strong a person as i think i am or just protective of the ones i love?
And more to the point how can one statement cause this self analysis..lol And how's does 1 question lead to 20 others?
Master has a way of posing question, that seem to mean nothing at the time, only to turn into self issues. I always thought that i allowed a selective few to see me, including of course Him. But it now leaves me thinking, do i allow He to see me or does He just see it?
And if that is not the case, How does He know which buttons to push hmmmmmm? |
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It been ages since i've written here. So much has happened it bit difficult to know where to start. Maybe i should take the time tomorrow to sit down and update it properly. |
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Had a great weekend, saw Master on Friday. After having a really busy day in work, and had run round like a idiot all day, dealing with silly people..lol. So when i eventually got to see Him, it was a bit hard to come down from the day i had had, which in turn made me a little bratty. Which He says He saw from the second i arrived. Anyway as expected ended in me going a little too far.
So to say i had a good Saturday night, chilling and having a few drinks with friends, was not as comfortable sat down as it could have been. One day i might just learn to engage my brain before opening my mouth.lol |
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Spent the whole day with Master today, was nice as it always is to spend sometime with Him..smiles xx |
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The politics of this scene sometimes is beyond me. For something that is claimed to be non judgmental, it sure doesn't come across as that sometimes. I wish to add to my last journal entry but before doing so, i would just like to state that my journal entries are that, mine. My opinions and my thoughts and are by now means meant as a slight on other peoples relationships or what works for them within the D/s world. Just because i state something as being true for me, doesn't mean by any standard that i think that it is gospel, for all. Anyone's thoughts and opinions are always welcome, but lets just remember they are just that opinions, as are mine. There are several things within this lifestyle, scene, whatever you wish to call it, that i have no or very little understanding of, but that doesn't mean that i slate or judge it. I actually welcome the discussion, to gain a better understanding, even if i know that it will never be for me. Humiliation has never been my thing, but i have lengthy discussions with a sub on here, that for her it is. Which has enabled me to concluded that it probably never will be for me, but now have a better understanding as to why and how it works for some. How can that be wrong?
My last journal entry was about my explanation to a friend, as to my thoughts on Master having another sub or subs. This was a vanilla friend, hence the lack of D/s in the explanation.
But maybe i should have elaborated on my thoughts around it, but i was naive enough to think it would just be taken in the content it was written and was no way what i thought would work or had to work for all. I fully understand that for some Masters and some subs being exclusive is what both need and want, that is their choice and this is O/ours.
The fact that Master has other subs, by no means that He thinks it is His god given right to do so and is also not because it somehow empowers Him to have multiply subs falling at His feet. This has never happened and i know it never will. I have never been asked to scene with another of Masters subs and neither have they. If i wish to involve another, this is something that i do, and because it is my bisexually i wish to explore, it is always my choice of who with.
When i wrote in previous entry that i wouldn't have a choice in the fact that Master does this, i thought that the fact that i put 'lol' after that statement would have been perceived that is was said in jest. I guess not.
Of course i have a choice. I have a choice to be or not be with Him in the first place. I think the bit that was missed for the last entry, was that i have no wish to exclusive. My choice not His. And if it is thought that i am saying that because i am married,or have a vanilla relationship, then i am not, because i do not. (please note am not judging those who are in vanilla relationship or saying they would put up with anything because they are either because i am not)
To those who say that ideally if a sub is fulfilling every need that her Dom requires there should be absolutely no need for him to seek or in fact own another/s. I totally and utterly agree with that statement. In an ideal world that would be great, but hey in that world with me being bi, Master would be able to turn into a woman whenever i need Him to. So maybe i just accept that this is not an ideal world. And am grateful for the fact that Master doesn't try and make me something that im not for His gain, or push me at a pace that would be detrimental to me. I do actually as i said welcome the fact that He has others, because it also teaches me things about Him without them having to be said. If He is with a sub, who is, slutty don't you think that tells me something and again if He is with a pain slut or someone who craves humiliation, that also tell me something. I learn from this, things about Him and His needs, in a way that the spoken word could never make me comprehend.
Do i get jealous? Yes of course,would be silly of me to say that i didn't, but it is more of the time spent in preparation and that fact that i cannot be all things to Him, than the other person that He is with. if that makes sense.
This is a two way street, as i have stated i am bisexual and i have the freedom to explore this. And if it is thought that this is also for Him to gain His pleasure, it couldn't be more wrong. Yes i like His input, and His approval, but ultimately that is my choice, my sexually, so my choosing.
One of the reasons it took me so long to come to terms with being submissive and my questioning of the fact, (was i, wasn't i) was that i thought to be truly submissive i had to be all things, and i believed for many years that i was a player, always honest about the fact, but a player non the less. I also believe that one day i would get this all out of my system and live happily ever after..lol It took me a long time to realize that i the fact that i wasn't,everything and didn't initially enjoy every aspect, didn't make me any less submissive or true. It would be like knowing it all from the starting gate, where would be the exploration in that?
OK i could have gone in search of a Partner, that had my likes and dislikes. But that i feel would not be pushing myself and also i would never truly be pushed as a sub either. I am now owned by someone that i can never bore of, never outgrow, and never get complaisant with. Maybe i need that, maybe i need to know how far i would or could go. How is that wrong?
So in conclusion, I am collared by a Man that i adore and respect enough to comprehend that there are things that i am unable to give or do for Him? and there are things that He is unable to give or do for me? Why is it so wrong that W/we give each other the freedom to explore this? After all this is O/our relationship.
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I was speaking to a friend tonight about my relationship with Master, which turned to the dynamic of my role within it. Why is it when you mention that Master also has another sub, that people even some of those within the lifestyle cannot comprehend that you honestly do not have a problem with that. I was told by this friend, that i must have a problem, as being sub meant that i must feel that i cannot say that it bothers me, and not that it really didn't. I tried very hard to explain that, being sub didn't mean that i couldn't be honest, just that i had little or no control about His response to it.
Her next statement was that if it didn't bother me then it must be that i don't care as much as i think i do..lol. Why changing her opinion was so important to me, i don't know but i was. And sometimes the more you tried to explain something the worst it gets. Although like i dog with a bone, i would not give up.
What i find really hard to see is that. I get everything i want out of my relationship with Master.. even the opportunity to explore my bisexual side. Which might i add, is for me and not something that is for only His benefit.Humiliation is not my thing, nor do i have the wish to be a total slut or a pain slut. So why if any of those are for Him, should i want or need to put restriction on Him exploring that elsewhere. (not that i could. lol). And why should that make O/our relationship any less valid?
Anyway the conversation with a friend was left with her actually believing me, but just think i was weird..lol Which is really quite funny coming from her.
Which has now left me wondering, in this supposedly non judgmental lifestyle, Is that fact that a Master has more than one sub still judged?
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I have just arrived home after spending a wonderful few days with Master, The time that He allowed me was totally unexpected on my part. He is a wonderful Dom and Man articulate and intelligent. and both the D/s and vanilla are equally important to me, as it not only the Dom i respect it is the Man also.
Now don't get me wrong, i love and cherish every moment i spend with Him, but getting home after a longer period of time, is also nice. Maybe that because i have a questioning nature and He is such a head f*ck (amongst other things ;-) ) i just need time to process everything and let my mind shut down for a while. What a blond thing to say..lol
Anyway it leaves me with the question, as to whether 24/7 is really viable. Can it really work being D/s 24/7, or does vanilla have to play it part? Maybe i just don't have the strength for that, or the ability to control my thought process..lol. Although i understand the difference in between both sub and slave. As a slave can D/s really exist 24/7?. Anyway just my thoughts no offense intend.
I would say that from every D/s experience i have ever had, i learn something new, and to be honest i love that. And that statement has never been more true than since i met Master. Although some discoveries are good and some are bad..lol and this time was a mixture of both, and more.
Firstly i would not and never have considered myself as a sub, that would do anything. The statement is too open ended to give an answer. Yes i love and need to please, crave approval, and am ultimately happy when He is pleased and proud of me, but was asked to do something yesterday, that if i had been questioned about in general conversation before hand would have said. 'never in a million years'..lol. In fairness it was my flippant mouth that got me into it in the first place, which always leaves me wonder how i got myself there...lol But without going into detail, He made a request, which i thought was a joke, that turned out not to be. It was something that i would thought was totally beyond me.
There were no repercussion stated to not completing this task, only the fact that He wanted it. After some biting of nails, scanning His look, and trying to get myself together, i moved to complete it and He put an end to it. Now to say this sent me into a head spin is an understatement. To have been allowed to complete the task, would have at that point been far easier, than having to process my own thought know that i would of, cause it now leaves me with the question, 'will i do anything?'.
Now i know that He would never put me in any situation, or asked something of me that i wasn't able to live, or cope with afterward. He knows me and i have full faith and trust in Him, never more so than now. But would i follow anything through, to have His approval, or not have His disappointment?. How far if pushed would i actually go?. And does that mean, that He means more to me than i can actually put into words? Oh it sometimes so hard being blond and will take sometime for me to work that out.
Second discoveries for this couple of days are both very unsublike (is that a word) flaws. 1 is that i can be selfish and the other is that i can be bloody minded. Both i can now add are lesson learned. Selfishness, by sight humiliation and believe me it's enough to make me remember in future, as i am not into humiliation, so slight is enough. Although my last experience of humiliation about 4 years ago, ended with me throwing myself on the floor and swearing, leading to me being ignored. So hey have learned something along the way..lol. Bloody minded was a lesson learned by proxy, my bum took the punishment for that one and but my mind will remember it!!
Maybe i should just learn to think before i speak..lol for more reasons than any of the above.. Master had fun for His own amusement last night, which was soooooo not funny and am still blushing at my very very very blond moment. |
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Today has been a day of thought.
It started very badly, but just when you think
everything has gone wrong something amazing happens and you realize that you can't predict peoples actions, only try and control your reaction.
Maybe that means everything doesn't always
have to be perfect and that happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Someone gave me some good advice a long time ago which was:- '
Always be prepared, always be yourself, and always be honest.
and it a good recipe for self respect, self love and self worth'
Maybe it has taken me until today to remember it.
or maybe i have just had a very blonde day..lol |
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Today is a strange day, a bit of a mixture of things.
Am not very good company today :( although the hangover i have is probably not helping..lol |
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Spent some time with Master yesterday and today. And for once i don't want to share it.lol Am keeping it to myself for now at least.(There is a first time for everything). Needless to say nothing with Him is ever predictable and i am grateful for the time with Him, although it always goes to quick.
Although i do think i think to much..lol
I have always been under the illusion that want and need are one and the same depending on which perspective you look at it. For example I want to be with Him and need Him to be who/what He is. So although i know that the difference between the two are obvoiusly apparent, If i have in the past asked myself 'do i want or do i need Him'? the answers has always been equally both.
For some reason today, i have questioned this statement and the truth behind it. I felt i should look at both individually. Although the answer may still be both, maybe my outlooked had changed and both were in fact seperated issues.
Does the fact the i do need Him, stem from my need and want to please.Or is it selfishly my want and my need that i question? Maybe i have been asking myself the wrong question and that is the reason the answer has evaded me. Do i want Him or Do i need him? For some reason now seems so unimportant, in comparision to 'What does He want and What does He need'?
I find some things truely hard to accept without questioning myself. I also have a need to know that sometimes out weighs everything else,But if i have finally accepted that, for me as His sub it is about His needs and His wants that i have to address to make me feel complete, it allows me to make sense of far much more that just that.
It allows me to understand and accept fully that sometimes He hurts me for no other reason that because He wants to and why sometimes i invite or crave pain for no other reason that because i need to. That things are just because they are and that sometimes my questions have no need to be answered. and that knowing there is a reason for something is enough, without having to know what the reason is.
I don't think i will ever stop asking questions but maybe my need/want for the answers is now not as great., And the reason that i am what i am, and i feel what i feel, want what i want, need what i need, doesn't really matter and the fact that i am His is enough.
Does that change who i am? probably not. Does that make me less bratty? probably not. Less hard work? probably not.
Am still blonde and as Master put it, not safe to be out on my own..lol
Can't think why He says that..lol
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Am seeing Master tomorrow big smiles xxx |
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Yesterday, i said 'what a difference 24hours makes' and i think this has been the case all week. Just when i think i have worked it out, i find that i haven't.
I knew i was in trouble yesterday. More so then ever before because it was all my own doing. Usually i arrive at a wrong doing wondering how i actually got myself there but yesterday i knew in no uncertain terms, how and why, i was in trouble. Which has got to be one of the worst feelings ever to say the least. In all the years i have been in this lifestyle i have never felt as guilty and worried as i did yesterday. Now i could have played it down, but feel that would have just added to my guilt and prolonged the worry, cause it would have been written all over my face the next time i saw Him. Im blonde not stupid..lol
I can honestly say yesterday the cane would have come as a relief, and in case ive never mentioned it 'i hate that thing!!!!!'
Anyway spoke to Master last night, a bit side tracked because im waiting for the out come of my being bad. Which took forever to come. About 3 hours in fact. Why is it we work ourselves up into a state and the outcome is never what we think it will be. I would have put money on that being the cane.
But the outcome to my totally suprise was that i had ' a get of jail free card' lol. Now that i would never expected in a million year.
Master explained the reason behind it and must admitted i ended up in tears. One reason was to do with my prior canning and the other to do with something from last week, which i won't get into. Needless to say both reasons made me cry.
Now they say things have a habbit of coming back and bitting You on the bum, but i never would have thought that nice things do also...lol
I know this is a one time thing and am not silly enough to think otherwise. But it does enforce the trust that i have in Him and the fact that he knows me. What started as a good day, turned into a bad one, and then turned into a really good one. smiles
Thank You Master yet again xxxx
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I had been nagging Master for some time to add a profile to cm and had long given up on the fact that He would.
I recieved an email this morning to say that He had added one.
oh and its so lovely, it made me cry.
It has made my day a bit of a mixture, but through everything it sooo make me smile.
thank You Master xxxx
Masters Profile : katiejaynesSir |
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What a difference 24hr makes !!!
Why is it that when something is given to you as a kind gesture for being good, you always have to mess it up, going one step (or maybe 2) further than you should have.
Will never understand that. |
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I use my email to store everything that i don't want anyone else to see. Like photos posts etc. As my sister and my son use my laptop, it keeps everything from prying eyes.
Today i thought is could do with a bit of a clean up. Not that i got much done, because i started reading over old mail that i had sent to Master, when we were first together.
I came accross a Check List that i completed in 2004 and scanned through just for curiosty sake. I cannot even rememeber filling this in, let alone what was in it. I have not laughed so much in a long time. What a complete load of nonsense..lol Or how things change in five years..lol
There were thing i had said yes to, and were not hard limits, which have turned out to be. Things that i said no to that were hard limit, that are now not. Generally it like some else filled it in..lol. I would go as far as to say, it not even a little bit off..It totally off. It now comes accross as totally childish and nieve. And looks like i didn't really no myself at all.
All i can say is that i am so glad Master new me better that i knew myself and didn't take it as law...lol Wouldn't like to think where i would be now, if he had.
Would like to say that it was liberating to see how far i come, but i just thank god (or Master)that im on a totally different road.
I also wrote Him, (which was again in 2004) a subs (mine) CV. Which again on reading over it was quite funny. It also has a childishness to it which amused me. Maybe it was the first time i have ever really looked at myself and where i had been, but it was funny seeing myself then and now.
I may ask Master later, if i take out some of the personal info, If i can put it on here.
And i may write another one sometime soon, for me to look at and give myself a laughable reference in another couple of years
Anyways still need to clean email box. but will leave it for another day, too much blushing is not good for one. |
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Had a wonderful day yesterday.
And had a vanilla evening out meeting Masters family. Although i had the 8 strokes of the crop i was owed before leaving so it was only totally vanilla when i stood up..lol
Anyway Master family are wonderful and was a great evening, with good company. smiles
Now i really do i have a problem with the cane. i hate it. I hate my bodies reaction to it and have always in mindset seen it as punishment and nothing else. I have been owed 26 for quite a while and the condition on my receiving these was that i had to ask for them. Yeah right..lol. This to me was beyond all reason and far beyond my capabilties. (am a wimp hee hee)
I was owed 8 of the cane on returning home from O/our evening out last night, which i knew before we left and although would never admit to being happy about, i had resigned myself to the fact. On returning home and after a quick change of dress, i went got the cane and returned with it. Now why i felt the need to have a brave moment i don't know, maybe the timing was just right. But i received my 8 and another 12 followed it. Why? because Master wanted it. I had for the first time asked Him to hurt me and 8 was not enough. 20 totally beyond anything i though i could take with the cane (am a wimp in case you missed it the first time) and must admit it was a suprise to me.
What followed was a total shock to me. I cried, not because of the 20 i had already had, but because of the missing 6. Which i then asked for. ok asked is putting it mildly..lol Begged is more like it. If someone had asked me 4 years ago if i would ever asked for 1 stroke of the cane i would have said they were completly insane and there i was last night asking for 6 more after recieving 20. Anyway Master gave me what i asked (ok begged) for. Which in total gave me the 26 i was owed.
But i needed one more. Why? I begged yet again for 1 final one. Which in turn i got. Now with my head in the clouds (putting it mildly) lastnight i couldn't work out why there was such a need for one more. I hate this thing beyond words. so why one more?
Now i might be totally wrong usually am..lol but i think it is because the 26 was what i owed Him. And the last one i didn't. So was the last one for Him or for me? Maybe because it wasn't owed, it was mine, because i wanted it and for that reason needed it. Or was it that He was so proud of me i just felt the need to give one more, one that was not due.
Has my hate for the cane changed? No!..lol
Although Master took a picture which He will send to me later and i must admit i love it. He is soo good at what he does..lol
That being said, i think i will spend the day ironing today. A job you can do standing up...smiles
Thank You Master yet again smiles
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Am seeing Master tomorrow and have been told we are having a vanilla night out....hmmmm. Well see.. |
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I have explored this lifestyle and myself within it for more years that I care to remember and have always asked far too many questions. More self critical than anything else. Firstly questioning if I was truly submissive or whether I was just one of the many players. The answer didn’t bother me as much as the question did. If I was a player as long as I knew it that would be fine. If im honest now every question I had was based around that first initial one. Now im not going to say that relationship ive had in the past were not real of that my D/s partner was not Dom, because that would be laying the blame elsewhere and I think that maybe I choose partners in which I still had an element of control with, so the blame lies with me. Self preservation so to speak but in hindsight that would never have led to my question being answered, but i failed to see that.
Then 4 year ago I met Someone that I thought was the same as those who had gone before. How wrong can a person be..lol. Needless to say He opened my eyes to who and what I am. Maybe I had previously seen submission as weakness and through my relationship with Him have discovered that in a strange way it empowers me. The more knowledge that I gain about myself through my relationship with Him the more I feel this. What I saw as weakness in other people was a reflection of what I saw in myself. I had always thought I had 2 sides , the sub and the vanilla me but He has taught me that I am one person and the difference is how I behave in different situations. Not who I am.
There is so much more I could say, but I will just concluded that I no longer feel the need to question everything about myself. On answering my initially question everything else has fallen into places. So I might be a player to everyone else, but with Him I am me, the sub, the slut , the bitch, the whore, the little girl and the woman…just me. But whatever or whoever I am... I am His and that’s the only question I need the answer to….
Thank You Master for seeing me even when I couldn’t. xxxxx
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Had a wonderful day saturday with Master and He also added a profile pic for me :-) |
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| Age: 46 |
| Dolgeville,
New York |
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