I just saw the movie her.

Spike makes amazingly thoughtful films. What an interesting look at the dynamics of relationships. It was often really difficult to watch. I may have laughed inappropriately at points. Some of it was agonizingly cringey.

Definitely worth a look.

shoulder is doing better still took it easy on it this morning but I had a good session at the gym this avo.

Everything reminds me of him... BALLS! I am feeling like such a teenager. I am so worried that he hates me. I am worried about all the things that were happening for him the last time we spoke. I need to stop... I need to hold myself together. I can care and love that is in my nature but I also need to accept that I can not change his emotional state or his feelings toward me.

I know the more I try to reach out to him the further away he will pull. I need to stop. I can love but I may never hear from him again. Every time I hear his accent from someone else's mouth I kind of want to have a little cry. It is silly... I know it will all fade. What an Emo loser :(

inactivity spike... 85 :(

shoulder woke me up in the middle of the night twice. I will take it easy again today. I am really disappointed and missing the endorphin buzz. I will go use the bike at the gym this avo. I hope it will be recovered soon. this is driving me crazy.

It is making my longing worse. I really need to let this go. I miss him so much. There is nothing I can say to make it better. Its helped being able to be a shoulder to cry on for my friend, being miserable with someone else. sigh :(

number is still 84.

I miss him lots. I was a pest yesterday. gahh. when will I grow up.

I had a chat with a dear old friend today. He is just starting to come out as Bi to his friends. He is having a sexual awakening and navigating the complex world of gay relationships. I pointed him toward Dan Savage. Dan Savage was my first exposure to kink ideas when I was 14. I have a bit of a soft spot for his philosophies.

I couldn't help but feel solidarity for my friend. We both are kind of naive. We probably have some old fashioned ideals about monogamy. We are both still holding on to those ideals. I wonder how we both will fair. He looks like he is suffering his first heart break at the hands of man. I couldn't help but relate. Recovering from hurt is so hard especially when you still love and want to fight for them. Even if all the signs are telling you to let it go... Love is such a powerful thing.

Where my friend and I differed was with our approaches to the heartbreak. He wanted to sever all ties if it was over he said it would hurt too much to see the person. Where as I love forever, the temperament of love may change but I do not have an ability to let go of a loved one. I still think about my friends from when I was an infant. I am loyal. So fiercely loyal. I have had friends rip my heart out and do jigs on them but i will always come back(eventually) I don't take friendship or love lightly. When I commit my heart, it is there for the long term.

In other news I found a friend of a friend to be a mentor. A nice young married sub. that is awesome. It is good to be able to chat to someone who has had a similar journey and come out of it with a positive result.

so the number is 84.

I am pleased I am keeping up the exercise and diet. This is the first time I have been heart broken that I have not gone and soothed my pain with icecream. So I can thank him again.

trying so hard not to text him. sending love into the ether is kind of tricky and silly.  I have spent the past few days a bit vague and confused. I have chatted to some nice new folk. People for the most part have been very sweet and not predatory. I find that very unusual on CM. I need to just keep the focus on being my best self.

I am having a dinner party tonight and I sort of realized I had kind of isolated myself. It will be nice to catch up with old friends and feed them food I am not allowing myself to eat. I would have loved to have shared this with him. I need to stop doing this to myself. sigh.

I am home tonight. I should have gone out with my friends. I wanted to go to the gym and rearrange my thinking. I need to stop the pity party and pick myself up. It is difficult when for the past 4 months I was doing everything to please him or as form of devotion towards him.

I need to relearn to do those things for myself because I love and care for myself. I need to stop beating myself up about what happened. I care for him greatly and I said some hurtful things because I didn't know what was happening. He is choosing to give me the silent treatment and that sucks.

In any relationship COMMUNICATION is essential. I needed to communicate. I didn't do it well. But to have all communication severed after that sucks. So onward and upward. I will be my best self. Or try to be. I will miss having his hand to hold. But all relationships need to be based on equality. Both parties need to communicate so that they can both get their needs met.

I am feeling sick with longing today. I want to throw up. I want to call him incessantly. I won't. He won't pick up. It is killing me today. One text at the height of premenstrual irrationality and boom... I have betrayed him...

I feel like I should be mad that he cut me out... But I am not I just want him back. I love him. I want him to be okay. I want to know he is okay. I want that hug that he never gave me. If its over I just want to cry into his chest for a while. Silence is no way to grieve. I want him so much. I wish we had communicated just a little better. We both were going through such a hard time. We were both trying to spare the other but the pressure grew an grew until it finally exploded and the truth came out. The truth made me love him more. The truth hurt him. My truth was that I was hurting from his with-holding. I made up a narrative of what I thought was going on with the information I had at my disposal. If someone barely talks to you for weeks and then the only thing they are willing to talk about is their ex-girlfriend what would you assume. I was wrong in that assumption, but it was not an entirely unreasonable one to make. I expressed my hurt and my confusion. We had previously been entering into a slave master situation and due to other circumstances he decided we could only be friends. I was struggling with that too. I don't even have his friendship now. It kills me. I love him. He has described to me before that when he stops loving then it is over. He just stops. I can't do that I love through it all. I had to express my hurt and now I am just praying that expression of hurt did not switch off his love for me entirely.

I miss him so much this morning.

I need a hug.

I hung out with an old ex last night. That was sweet. He is happy with a new gal which is really nice to see.

My heart hurts about my muse. It was easy to be happy for another I once loved. I yearn for my muse this morning. I can't shake it.

I will start to live my life the best I can for him. I have a slightly belated New Years resolution. I am going to learn how to cum with out grinding. I have been cumming the one way since I was a child. I never learnt another way. Until I become well practiced at using my fingers, I am not going to grind again. My muse made my body feel ways i didn't know existed. Maybe I can teach myself to induce that kind of pleasure. I know a lot of its power is the love I feel for him.

I am about to throw away my "cum" rag. My blanky that I use to grind and cum. Part of me thinks this is fool hardy. I am going cold turkey on my strongest addiction... my muse :( I shouldn't make life more challenging for myself. I have stubborn determination about this.

There are so many things i need to process. I suppose the most pressing is that I got my period. This is a small horror. Not because menstruation is icky girl stuff but because it further shows that I was having an irrational outburst earlier in the week. This outburst drove away my muse away. I am so disappointed at myself and how little control of my emotions I have at this time of month. I thought I was getting better.

Today I hit the gym again for the first time since the schism. I feel good that I am keeping that up. He asked me to keep it up for him. of course I will. It is the one thing I get to hold onto for him. The number is still 85. I am working really hard to get to 75 by the time my Bro Returns from over seas in mid February. 6 weeks to lose 10kg might be a stretch. I will do my best.

I miss my muse. I am still torn up inside that I caused him pain and that he thought I did it with malice and intention. That is not who I am. Occasionally confused and insecure but never intentionally hurtful. Much like the stuff that I said was not who he is. I can not change how he feels. I can only take charge of myself. For now I see no harm in continuing to love him. If it is unrequited hopefully I will learn to shift that love into more sisterly affection.

I love him. sigh.

I am in the process of having a major shift in perception. I am so grateful to the man I had the privilege to call Daddy for a short amount of time. I need to refer to him as something else now to show my respect for him and acknowledge that he does not want me after I caused him pain with my delusions, and misunderstandings. I have been wracking my brain, Ex-Daddy seems so flippant and doesn't acknowledge my desire and current love for him. Compassionate Other seems vaguely distant and too religious and does not elucidate the passion of my sentiments. I think I will refer to him as my muse. He has inspired such a shift in the way I am and how I am experiencing the world.  I feel it is apt. I also like the artistic connotation it conjures and he is a creative beautiful soul.

It is late and I must go to sleep. But I must recommend the Ben Stiller Secret Life of Walter Mitty. It is absolutely delightful and warm hearted.

I want to reach out to him so badly.

Midnight is approaching. I want to be respectful of his hurt feelings and give him space. I also want to tell him I love him and that he has my heart. I fucked up... He won't forgive me. I love him with every fibre in my being. My love is forever. I will let him be if he doesn't want me... but my love is there forever.

What a horrible mean person I was. I said things in such an awkward way. Poor guy is suffering so much. I just want to make it better. But right now my very existence makes it worse. I love him so much. But maybe this one of those cases where I just need to let sleeping dogs lie.

I devastated someone I love dearly. I love him with all my soul.

I don't know what to do. He doesn't trust me anymore. He thinks I am playing games. He changed the password on our CM account. He says it is over. I believe him. I wanted to express to him all the pain I feel for causing him hurt.

I sent a text this morning. I had been suffering for a long time; i had some jealous paranoid ideas that were not leaving my brain. I expressed myself very poorly which is what i do when i am overwhelmed. I expressed a feeling in a way that was hurtful. it was not intended that way, it was a brain fart sent at 5 in the morning of 12 feelings that i have been spinning in my soul for too long. We were having a communication break down... and my text was the straw that broke the camels back.

I was confused by his actions. I was hurt. I misinterpreted some behaviors and that misinterpretation gutted him. He doesn't trust me now which in turn gnaws at my soul. I have written the angsty love email which i sent to myself. I did not send it to him because he seemed genuinely disgusted by me this morning. From love to disgust in one message :( I want to rectify it. I don't know if there is anything I can do. it kills me that I hurt him. I wanted to exist for him. I wanted to protect him from the world. I failed and I have done more damage to his battered psyche. I want to give him love. But at the moment he does not want it from me. He finds me revolting. I will always love him. He changed my life. I just was very lost and wasn't coping. Maybe we both had bad timing. He has taught be so much and there is this ache in my soul.

I should be going out with friends tonight but I think I have a drink at home and clean my house furiously. I clean when I am at my most upset... it fills the up the space that the nervous sick energy. I can't shake the nausea. I think he was the love of my life and I ruined it with my childish insecurities and inability to express my hurt and confusion with out pointing fingers. Jesus I am an asshole.