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Well things have gotten a lot better as of late and finally i have found a One that wants me for the person i am and doesn't want to change me. He knows i am kajira....wants me more than anything because of it. In my true gift of slavery to Him i have found my freedom. He is everything that i have ever wanted in my life and now i am at last content.
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They say that a heavy heart breads bad dreams, well lucky for me i don't sleep eh? With so much going on these days that i can barely find time to sleep let alone talk to F/friends i have found myself going over a few things. One i came to realize that though a person or event in someone's life that has been in Gor is taken out of it, Gor can never be taken out of the person.
i have tried so many times to be happy in a vanilla or bdsm relationship. Many many times. Alas i realize that no matter how hard i try to repress that part of myself the more unhappy i became. Now i have accepted that i am again realizing that i am and always will be la kajira. i am just gratefull that there is Some out there that know this and appreciate it.
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Well it seems that at last the strep and flu virus has finally hit me. Withstood for weeks and now blech. So if i don't answer or respond to messages sent to me its not because i don't want to its because i don't really have the energy to sit and write right now.
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As a bit of an update though my soul is on the mend alas my heart is not. Then again i honestly do not think that will happen over night or even in a few weeks. But on a good note i have resumed my greatest passion. Music. To sing and know that what i sing means something brings even my aching heart relief. They say it tames even the most savage of beasts. One might or will ask.."If you are not seeking then why are you here?" To this i can say only one statement. "Because i chose to." i know that out there is a One that will make not only my heart and mind race but will be able to touch the very essence of my soul. That will not only take me to new heights but beyond them in such leaps and bounds that my mind will be an utter blur of new thoughts and ideas. Ah to have someone that can litterally touch the very core of whom and what i am...now that would be utter bliss. Do i think for one moment that this is something that will come quickly or easily? By no means do or would i ever think that. But in saying that i do beleive that when i find that right One or He finds me i will know without a shadow of a doubt it was ment.
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Life has dealt another blow it seems. Every time i think something great is happening it all comes crashing down on me...want to know why i'm so jaded? Because all i ever see is players and users, liars and cheats. Seems what i thought of a One just isn't true. Seems that because His family hates me or doesn't like my Past and mind you my PAST here...not the person i am now...not all the i've been through but my PAST....He has decided to throw me away like some kind of trash. Right now my heart is broken and to be honest who knows if its fixable. i'm not even on here really searching anymore. Just here. If something happens then my thought is fine...if nothing happens then that's fine to. At this juncture in my life i just don't care what happenes anymore. Can't get any worse right? Then again seems i've made the goddess's mad at me for some odd reason and again i've been handed the messed up deck. Oh well...i live, i breath and continue on.
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