itslara on Collarspace


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	MASTERT2385



	hello, it's lara :) and here's my story! i was trapped in a toxic an abusive relationship and I suffered so much because of that. I had to deal with pain, health issues and broken emotions. there used to be a time where i thought i was ugly, useless and banal. a time where I allowed sombody elses fears and insecurties to dictate my life. a year ago, i had no visa, no drive license, no freedom. not long ago i was broke. i was emotiationally and mentally abused! i have a lot of insecurties! things so simple like cutting my hair!! you know i didnt cut my hair for a long time because i was too afraid to sit on that chair and remember the way I felt when years ago my abuser convinced me (more likely forced me) to cut them way shorter than what I was comfortable with. ''a real lady'' doesnt have long hair, he said. and i obeyed him he did not punch me he did not yell at me he didnt touch me that day. but i still rmember those moments were I watched him suggesting the hairdresser to ''go shorter'' as painfully abusive. i was crying. but he didnt stop pushing me to do what he wanted me to do. it wasnt about the haircut. it was about controlling me. changed me to what he wanted me to be. erasing my identity! i was struggling in silence, too ashamed to talk about my past. i kept living my life suffering. hoping that one day i could simply stop feeling so ashamed and depressed! living under this extreeme control for years definetly left a mark in me! that actually turned me into a submissive! an extreemly obidient submissive! that you might even wish it wasnt that obidient! i ddint learn to say No! i dont even know how to say it! i now seek a dominant, a real dominant! who will be able to micromanage my life without abusing me! withour erasing my identity! who will just make me fall in love with myself again, and help me accept my past! who will make me stop feeling ashamed about myself and my story! who will be able to let me be happy again.

8/31/2016 9:43:17 PM

do not fear your past.
make fear the core of your strength.
live your life with an open heart also if once with broken.

have a good morning y'all

6/14/2016 12:12:36 AM

i used to write blogs about pain and how I used to suffer a lot for the past years I spent with my ex abuser and as I know that I lot of you are following my journey and I always get amazing feedbacks from you guys.

Today it's gonna be a little different!

Today I wanna talk to everyone who actually shared his/her story with me. and for the hundreds who are still silent about their pain. For those who found the courage to open up their hearts and share the past no matter how ashamed of it they are or how much they hate admitting it. And for thoses who still carry it all deep inside.

There are moments in life where you need to be stronger that what you think you can be.
Moments where everything around you feels out of place.
Moments where you don't know your name.
Moments where you need to find the courage to forgive your self and forget the mistakes of the past.
Without thinking too much about the future, living in the faith that the whole world is on your side.
Living in the faith that YOU are loved.
You are beautiful.
You are worthy.
You are a warrior and nothing can tame that flame that you carry inside.

I love you all my collarspace family. Have a good beautiful morning.

Say No to abuse.

Let go of your past.

Love yourself.

Ramadan Kareem everyone xx

6/10/2016 11:06:59 AM

I had it all. I was young, healthy and fit, living in cairo, one of the most charming cities in the world.
I had the perfect job, working as a personal trainer and a teacher. To make it even better< I was married to the perfect guy: an accomplished, educated, wealthy, well dressed and well behaved man who everybody admired.
I was always smiling and barely complained about anything.
But I was dying on the inside. i was tortured everyday by my abuser and only on the day that I decided to leave him. is that I started feeling alive!

everyone you meet in fighting a battle you know nothing about!
apearances are deceiving.
be kind always.

i want to thank every single one who sent me encouragement texts! thank you guys for your love and care! this exactly is what keeps me through my days/
I also want to apologize to to people that I wasnt able to reply to their messages. and promise I will answer to all of ypour textx guys so soon inshallah.

Lots of love.

6/6/2016 11:21:59 AM

today, once again my temporary bridge fell. So again I'm left with no teeth.
talking is complicated
Drinking is complicated
I can't teach.
eating is uncomfortable.
accepting the reality, accepting that I lost 4 teeth in the front of my mouth is complicated.

I am embarassed.
is not about the way i look, is bout realizing how much i neglected myself, is about realizing that i am being victim of domestic violence does not end when you leave your abuser.

Leaving him was easier than dealing with all the pain that day by day i have to endure to reclaim my soul, my identity and my life.

I am not giving up, i know tomorrow I will feel better but today, right now, I just wish I could be a little stronger.

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MissAssworship

Age: 27

Washington