How does one go about becoming a lifestyle submissive, and why would any self-respecting, modern, educated, professionally successful woman (or man, I just happen to be a woman, so that’s my perspective) want to go back to a 1950’s June Cleaver style home life?  Keep reading, and you just might find yourself wondering how it is you haven’t explored this way of being long ago!

When I first met the man who was to become my Lord, I was totally new to the dynamic, had never experienced a D/s relationship before.  From the very start, the depth of communication between my Lord and myself was so strong and clear.  I felt such a sense of connection to him, all of which allowed me to take the leap in offering my submission.  I knew that I didn’t fully understand everything that commitment entailed, that I was a novice, that I had much learning and growing to do under my Lord’s firm, clear, and caring guidance.  When I first offered my Lord my submission, the very first assignment he gave me was the following:

So now it starts. What does being a submissive mean to you? Forget about what it means to others.  How do you see yourself in this dynamic outside the bedroom? These are really important questions. They set the framework on which to build. It is this understanding between two consenting adults which makes their actions acceptable no matter how anyone else views them. 

My response to those questions – what did submission mean to me and how did I see myself in the dynamic beyond the bedroom – was so revealing.  It’s important to understand that at every turn my Lord operates under the premise that it is much better for me to arrive at conclusions and understandings on my own rather than him telling me to think this or do that.  Sometimes, he finds it necessary to say, “My pet, this is what I was hoping you’d come to realize on your own…” and sometimes I get to the page but not the paragraph or sentence or word, so to speak, and he finds himself needing to push me a little further to get there on my own, but the point is, my Lord not only wants me to think for myself and to express myself, he expects and requires it.  Always in a manner befitting my place as his submissive, respectfully and with deference, but expressing myself none-the-less…

So, my response to those first very important and foundational questions:

…Why should I let someone else do for me what I can do for myself, just as well if not better…I realize that seems so terribly non-submissive of me.  I have been searching for one worthy of pleasing by giving over even the simplest decisions – picking out the clothes I wear, what we will have/I will prepare for dinner, where we will go on vacation, what color we will paint the bathroom…not because I can’t do those things for myself, but because I want to turn myself over to you, to do as you want me to, to take the worry and energy of those decisions away from me so I can tend to you and your needs, which in turn tend to mine…am I talking in circles right now?  You say not to think of what it would mean to others.  I am trying, as I know that many who know me would consider it as weakness, they would be worried for me, that you had somehow brainwashed me…I want to give myself up to you.  I don't see it as weak.  I actually see it as being strong, secure in myself, in knowing what I want and taking the steps to make it happen, with your help of course.  This is something I have longed for, and when I have dipped my toes in this water previously, it has not been with someone worthy.

I didn’t know it at the time, but what my Lord was really asking was whether I saw myself as a bedroom submissive or a lifestyle submissive.  As a novice, I didn’t know there were different types of submissives, different degrees of engaging in the dynamic.  In fact, it hadn’t really dawned on me at all that the D/s relationship was anything other than a sexual, physical dynamic.  Funny as I can now look back at the plethora of emails between myself and my Lord prior to becoming his pet, and see the dynamic already so clearly in place even as we were John and Sasha, the moniker of Lord and pet not coming until submission was offered.

My Lord answered that he had sensed I was “looking to go all in, be more than a bedroom submissive” and mentioned looking into 1950's lifestyle submission. As he described it, “Ward and June Cleaver with nasty sex.”  Moreover, my Lord let me know that when he put ideas such as these in front of me, it wasn’t a suggestion that I agree or go along with the idea, but rather that I explore it, consider the options, share with him my feelings and thoughts about the idea.  He was up front that lifestyle submission was “the most extreme manifestation of what you expressed interest in and might not be particularly right for you.”  He used the analogy that as a lifestyle submissive, when I burned dinner, I would be punished as a submissive.  Seemed a bit ominous.  NO, really ominous.  As in, why would I want to make dinner then, right!  LOL.    

On the surface, it seemed so extreme.  The reality is, burning dinner in and of itself would not be an issue, UNLESS doing so was an outcome of a continued mistake, something that had been discussed and addressed and I continued making the same mistake.  Yet, the reality is, a constant, 24/7 component of ritual and protocol exists, always, in the presence of my Lord, always his submissive, always deferential, always, always, always…how could anyone live up to that ideal?  Moreover, why would anyone want to?  After all, I have advanced degrees, a successful career path where I am relied upon by many to lead, to get things done.  I am a decision-maker, a risk-taker.  I am capable and competent to make my own decisions, to lead a productive and accomplished life.  What could possibly be appealing about 24/7 submission?

Oh, let me count the ways!  First and foremost, at the core of the dynamic between my Lord and myself is trust.  Not a buzzword, not a superficial concept. In the bedroom, it is at one level.  It is only connected to sessions.  To play.  One limited, siloed aspect of life.  In a lifestyle dynamic, it is all encompassing. Every aspect of life – bedtime, attire, blog posts, meals.  Mental, physical, emotional, spiritual – all aspects, all the time.  And it is total submission with the knowledge my Lord will never do anything to harm me.  That I would never deny him anything he asks of me because he would never ask of me anything he knows would go against my well-being.  Trusting in his motivations, knowing I exist for his pleasure not because he wields some power over me, but because it’s what I need and want and he honors and respects that, cherishes that, and therefore I trust him to provide for me what I need and want, even when those things aren’t entirely apparent to me.  In every aspect of my life.  Without trust, the dynamic doesn’t exist, it can’t.  My Lord jokingly calls it the “Domocratic Oath”, the kinky version of the “Hippocratic Oath.”  Yes a wit and sense of humor he doth possess in addition to all his other amazing attributes.

Beyond the trust, the most powerful reason that being a lifestyle submissive – no, correction – being my Lord’s lifestyle submissive, is the reality that conflict resolution resides within the construct of the dynamic.  None of the normal BS in a relationship, holding onto grudges, going to bed angry, pushing buttons, silent treatment, something being okay one day and a major faux pas the next, not saying something for fear it will be taken the wrong way or hurt the other person’s feelings…nope, all of that is gone.  There is only one conflict in the dynamic –  not staying in the dynamic.  All the rest of the petty BS is discussed, weighed and resolved openly, honestly and fairly as part of and because of our dynamic.

Think of the way conflict in the bedroom is addressed.  You cum without permission, you are punished, and it’s over.  You forget to follow an established protocol, you’re punished, and it’s over.  You get snarky or a little too feisty and forget your place, you’re punished, and it’s over.

As a lifestyle submissive, conflict is addressed in exactly the same way.  Protocols, rituals, and routines are in place 24/7. You forget to follow an established protocol, you are punished, and it’s over.  You go “off ” without first asking permission (i.e., I recently updated my profile…content wasn’t the issue, much discussed directly with my Lord, but huge mistake?  I made the changes without first asking.  Major faux pas), you’re punished and it’s over.  No grudges, no harboring of ill feelings.  This isn’t to say there’s no forum for discussion or consideration…as long as it is done within the construct of the dynamic.  I am my Lord’s pet, not his robot.  I have thoughts, feelings, concerns, questions, and, as a human being with years of baggage in tow, I sometimes have doubts and misgivings.  All okay, all discussable.  Within the construct of the protocol.  If I forget my place, use a tone or approach not befitting my role as my Lord’s submissive, I am punished, and it’s over (and I then bring up the topic in an appropriate way if still necessary, and we discuss it, because my Lord isn’t a robot either.)

And there is an order, an understanding, an approach to life together that is upfront, above the table, out in the open, clear, beautiful in its simplicity, that allows us to breach any and every subject knowing it is safe from reproach or negative judgement. There is no wondering or guessing how will my Lord respond, is he pleased, have I done something wrong.  If he is displeased, it is because I have broken protocol, addressed him in a manner not befitting a submissive.  Regardless what topic I breach, as long as I do so appropriately and respectfully, I won’t be made to feel silly or small or foolish.  No question is a stupid question, no desire or interest or proposal is off limits for discussion.  As long as what?  The discussion is approached within the construct of the dynamic.  Why is this such a big deal?  Because it removes all fear, all anxiety.  From my Lord, I know that his response will be open, accepting, tempered – not that he will agree or grant my wishes or otherwise “give me what I want” but that he will listen, consider, entertain a dialogue.  And if I do stray from the construct of the dynamic, his reaction will be consistent and considered.  Not capricious or mean-spirited. 

Don’t get me wrong, we are human beings, we live in the world, both of us in high stress, high powered careers.  We live our lives “out there” in a manner fitting the needs of our professional roles.  But when together, whether on the phone, at the supermarket, at a restaurant, reading the paper in front the fireplace, and yes, in the playroom, we are always in the D/s construct.  Always.  And when I forget my place, there is no guessing or wondering, no need for worry or concern.  As my Lord’s pet, I will submit willingly to my punishment, because it’s what I want and need to do.  Not because my Lord demands it, because it’s what drives me, and because I have offered myself wholly and completely to my Lord.  And because of this, my Lord always forgives me.  He exacts the punishment he deems necessary for me to receive my lesson, and when the last stroke falls, it is over.  My Lord embraces me, tenderly kisses away my tears, tears that flow as much, no more, from the disappointment in myself for forgetting my place as from the sting of the paddle, and he holds me, and forgives me, the bond deepened even further between us, the trust even stronger, and then we move on.  He is my Lord, I am his pet.  The Beauty is in the simplicity.

When I first stepped into this world, I was certain I was looking for nothing more than a compatible soul to play with and scene with.  No commitment, no submitting outside of sessions.  Certainly no collaring or being claimed.  Ha.  The truth is, I really had no idea what I wanted or how things would play out.  Even when I first met the amazing man I now kneel before in total submission, I didn’t know where the road was leading me.  I truly don’t know that I would have arrived at the place of being collared, of striving to be a lifestyle submissive, something that makes me happy beyond my wildest imagination, if I weren’t with my Lord.

Let me be clear.  It’s not because he has turned me into a lifestyle submissive.  No, my Lord hasn’t done anything to me.  Everything that has happened between us, and has yet to happen, is a choice.  I am submissive, and, I have a free will.  At every turn, I have a choice.  What I choose is to offer my submission (please don’t mistake this with being submissive), to give myself over wholly to the one I deem worthy of my submission, offering myself up to be dominated, to be defiled, humiliated, paddled, spanked, bound.  And it’s a choice.

My Lord isn’t just any alpha, he is the alpha for me.  It takes a special person to dominate a strong-willed, intelligent, successful, and self-actualized woman such as myself.  To be worthy of the trust and commitment that goes with accepting the submission of another.  What makes my Lord so special, you might ask. 

Let’s start with the physical, because let’s be honest (and women, I’m really speaking to you here, as we often tend to act as though we are above men in this realm) if there’s no physical attraction, we are likely to pass an otherwise amazing person right on by.  So, my Lord, at 6’4” and 230, is a striking figure.  People notice when he walks in a room.  He commands attention without uttering a word.  And beyond his stature, he is quite handsome, with piercing green eyes, and a charming, deviously delicious mouth.  Husky voice, a laugh that comes from his belly, not his throat, and a warmth that radiates from his being.  And it’s a real warmth. Yes, I am smitten.

And truth be told, my Lord intrigued me from his first message to me, it was so singularly different from the plethora of messages a new to site submissive is all too apt to receive.  When I looked at his profile, there was not one picture, yet I was drawn in even further by the clear intellect and sense of humor evident throughout his words.

So after many, many, many email exchanges – and not one and two liners, but in-depth missives, he finally sent a picture.  I was already hooked, but then just more so.  And then, finally, after a month more of correspondence, we talked on the phone for the first time.  Hear what I am saying.  What we have was no rush to play, no act first, think later.  Before we met in person for the very first time, before we delved into the physical, we spent over two months digging into one anothers minds and souls.  We knew each other so well by the time I first knelt before my Lord…I can’t put into words what impact that has had on me. 

So many send inquiries suggesting I call them Sir or Master from the very first correspondence.  Even as a total newbie (yes, it took me 50 years to find my place, and every step has led me right here where I am today, and every step has been worthwhile and important to take) I knew that wasn’t what I wanted – to jump in, to give myself away to just anyone.  That anyone claiming to be a Dom who thinks it’s his right to be addressed in such a manner simply because he identifies as a Dom and I identify as being submissive…seriously.  This isn’t about power tripping, it’s not about control and blind obedience.  Not for me.  Not for my Lord.

No, my Lord is different.  I addressed him by his first name until we reached that threshold, when he asked for - not demanded, not required, not expected – asked for my submission.  And then, once he accepted that oh so priceless and precious gift of my submission, he became my Lord – not as in my Lord and Savior, but more Lord of the Manor – and after trying on some different options, I became his pet (my choice, a diminutive my Lord used in an email that I liked so much, I asked that it stick). 

And here we are today, Lord and pet, continuing to learn about and discover things about each other.  My Lord, early on, told me he would look into my eyes and see into the depths of my soul.  He did not exaggerate.  At every turn, he proves himself worthy of my submission.  I can only hope that at every turn, I continue to prove myself worthy of being his pet.

SubMissSasha

A Difference of Opinion

Recently when I signed into Collarspace the first profile that popped up seemed to have been written by a young lady.  There was a picture and a short one line message.  The picture showed a cute young lady, her face contorted in pain with tears brimming in her eyes.  The one line simply stated: “She's learning that it's not meant to feel good.” What struck me was there was nothing in that picture or in the statement (obviously written by the person responsible) that connoted any joy or pleasure in whatever was happening, just misery and pain.  

There is nothing objectionable in the application of pain as a tool in training or to satisfy a pain slut’s desires quite the opposite.  There is a physiological reason (above and beyond the psychological) why the right application of pain heightens pleasure or in and of itself is pleasurable.  Pain produces endorphins and the release of adrenaline, the former gives euphoria (think opiates) the later heightens senses.  In that profile picture we are not talking about the sudden catch of a breath or low moan or even the slight wince and yelp type pain, it was agony.

I have turned women on to the joy of pain and it is a slow incremental process.  Yes you push the limits but you respect them too. Which begs the question, what exactly was she learning? 

I have been accuse of being pejorative in assessing what “doms” (yes they don’t even deserve a capital D) say or do on this site but having been around the block too many times with women of different ages who were ruined by some clod I felt constrained to speak.  A good sadist can be a good Dom but being a sadist doesn’t make you a Dom and especially one suitable for a novice.  A sadist gets pleasure from causing pain; we are all looking for fulfilments so no harm no foul there.  Pain and a content, satisfied sub are not mutually exclusive as stated above. 

But in the end it shouldn’t be: “She's learning that it's not meant to feel good,” rather it should be “She is learning that she likes it/ enjoys it/ wants it/ to hurt!”