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| Are you searching??? Perhaps you are searching for us and don't even realize it.
Are you a woman that no one would ever suspect has a "dark" side? I think you can imagine what I am talking about, those urges that are so strong and intense that when they are at their peak block out everything else in your life? The needs that beg to be sated and can drive you to do things that you would have never dreamed that you were capable of in an effort to find a source of relief for even a moment of peace. You know the ones that I am talking about. The overbearing need to be used, controlled, owned totally and completely. To be humiliated and respected at the same time. Not beaten half to death and abused as some sadistic form of entertainment for a man who calls himself a DOM, yet when you look at him in a semi lucid moment, you can't for the life of you find a single shred of decency in him. More than that you end up time after time hating yourself in the end because you played his game in an effort to find the peace that comes with meeting those needs and urges. Your need is much deeper than a game of whips and dungeons with some sick man that only uses you to feed his ego and believes by making you small and vulnerable that someone makes him strong and in control.
You yearn, and I would daresay even exist in the core of your soul to be so consumed by another so totally that your soul merges with theirs to the point that there is no "you" anymore. They are so real and so much a part of you and yet you can't talk about to anyone, not even to yourself most of the time. In fact, if you are like I was you can hardly believe that they are a part of you because when they are at their strongest you are an entirely different person. Yet, at the same time you feel more like "yourself" than you do any other time when they are at their strongest. For me it was maddening and I can imagine that it has been that way for you too. You have probably tried a lot of different ways to quell them. Maybe you simply ignored them for awhile in hopes that they would simply "go away", only to have them wake you in the middle of the night covered in sweat, trembling and your most private places quivering and throbbing with a burning need that consumes your very soul. So, I suspect that like I said before you have searched high and low more than one time to find a "DOM" that could take this need to serve, please, be consumed and use you so your soul could be free if only for a few hours. Maybe it even worked for a while before you found that there was a huge price to pay for what he could offer you. Perhaps he hurt you physically, or more likely he hurt you more worse in places that no one could see. Those men skip deep inside your soul and somehow make you forget what you really want and suddenly you find yourself "submitting" without really even knowing what your doing because he has stolen your identity and you're too tired to even care anymore. And for a time, I'm sure, that like me, you let him because you figured that you had no choice and it after all he wasn't "that bad" (except he really was). So you gave it everything you had because that's just the way you are. Only to wake up one day and find that he was gone or that you could no longer give up huge chunks of yourself in a totally vain effort to have the privilege of being able to truly be the woman that you were born to be.
If you've gotten this far and are still reading this now, I would guess that you have been alone for a while now. You've been stuffing that need for quite a while. At first it was pretty easy because you were tired and hurt. Now though, not so much. It's back stronger than ever, eating you alive from the inside out. And you know that it's only a matter of time before it takes you over again and you are so afraid of going right back to that same dreadful place again. The place that costs way too much and delivers way too little in return, yet is better than trying to deal with the urges all alone. I know how it feels. I was you. I almost gave my life to have the urges satisfied and directed. I had given so much for so long without any relief that I was only a shell of the person that I was born to be. I had needs and urges that had to be used in order for me to live a full and happy life. At the same time I couldn't take the abuse anymore. The beatings, the mental abuse, the disrespect and total humiliation all became too much to bear.
One day though, about the time that I had given up I got an email that changed my life. From the man who possesses me to my core today. My life changed. Not overnight and not all at once because I was really badly damaged by the trip. It was a very long trip and it took a great deal of work and a lot of discussion and sharing on both our parts. In time, little by little I got better and my life did change though and today I can hardly recognize the woman that I see when I look in the mirror. I don't merely tolerate her anymore, I really love and accept her. All of her for what she is. I am so blessed because he helped me learn that there is a better way. That I can have my cake and "eat it too". He has demonstrated to me that the humiliation that I need and the respect that I deserve can mutually exist in the same space.
If you are who I am seeking, I can only imagine what you are thinking at this moment. On one hand you like what you've read so far and you desperately want to believe that I am real (and by the way I am). On the other hand you don't really believe a word of it and can't even imagine why I wrote it. Well like everything in life, it's a little complicated I suppose. For you see, even though he and I found each other and I now have a safe and sane place to be myself when I am with him, it's still a pretty lonely world that I live in where all of this is concerned. I'll just bet that you can relate to that too. The kinds of things that I would love to have another woman to talk with about don't exactly "fit" into the after work happy hours that we end up at with our "normal" friends. So I would cherish having a true and open bond with another woman where I can truly say what I feel.
Then there is the part of me that yearns to be with another woman physically. And of course this would come in time after we get to know each other and decide that there is indeed a mutual attraction and desire to move in that direction. I so yearn to have the gentleness that another woman can possible know how to deliver. To feel the sweetness of the interaction, the tenderness and bonding that we as women are made for. To tenderly explore every inch of her and then open myself up to her in that same way.
And finally, I have to be totally honest with you from the start because that is just the way that I relate and as you come to know me you will see that it is true. I don't hide anything from "him". He knows me inside and out. We share everything so I have discussed this with him at length. He wholeheartedly supports me in doing this. And of course he is interested in what the possibilities might be in the future for his being involved in our relationship. Yes, I know what you must be thinking now. Oh God, he is behind this whole thing and is making her do this. I've been there many times and I am sure you have at least been coerced to at least try to find someone too. So, before you get the wrong idea though I want you to understand that he did not "make" me do this. It is something that we have discussed at length over a long period of time and I am the one that is initiating the profile. I want things to unfold as they should and can assure you that you will have all the time in the world to learn about me, then we'll see where your interests are and move from there. No tricks, no surprises only open honest communication at the speed that you are comfortable with.
If you have read this far, I imagine you understand and really want to believe what I say is true. You're likely still thinking it's all too good to be true. (I know I would have when I was in your shoes). So, how about this? Send me an email. We can talk a little that way. Hopefully soon you'll feel safe enough to meet me somewhere really public and have a glass of iced tea and talk. Notice I didn't say a drink or wine. I want you to be totally yourself and be really clear the entire time. There is no need to exchange phone numbers until you are ready or share any other kind of personal information for that matter. I understand how you might be feeling. I was there before myself and want you to be as comfortable as possible.
I want to thank you so much for taking the time to read all this. Please take a little time to think about it. I'll be waiting to hear from you so our journey can begin.
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He and I have a passion for what we have termed as "wrongness". Those things that take us to the next level and for lack of a better word "define" us in a way that is hard to describe. And yes, most of these things are not what society would consider acceptable. Most of them are really simple things in and of themselves, and it is hard to articulate why it is that they make us feel the way that we do. Him harder than hard and me dripping and squirming in my chair.
The past weeks have not been easy for us. We both have professional careers that can be demanding at times. As luck would have it we have both seen some really busy work times that have meant we are working our butts off until all hours and traveling here, there and everywhere too. Added to that we both have family obligations that demand time and attention as well. So I'm sure that you get the picture.
And then when we were able to connect I was tired and crabby and let's just say that things really didn't go as I would have liked for them to which made me sad. Very sad. And very lonely too. Which makes the needs and the urges that I talked about in my profile all the more intense.
So Friday I was out for my run and I was sad. But more than that I was yearning for him. I mean the kind of yearning that comes from deep in my soul. The urges were there. The need was like a fire burning inside me. It was ALL consuming. The faster I ran, the deeper it burned. It took more attention than my breath. I was dying inside. The need was eating me alive and I NEEDED him to use that need. More than I have in a long, long time. Perhaps more than I ever have before.
Finally, I ran myself out. My energy was gone and I was still over a mile away from home. Yearning, aching deep inside my core. So I sat on a picnic table under a shelter and I closed my eyes and took myself to him. Just let my spirit drift out of me to him and I listened. And I "felt" the need to show him that I am HIS. That I know that no matter what cards we are dealt or what else is happening I am ALWAYS first and foremost his. And pleasing him IS what I do.
And then it hit me... HARD like a ton of bricks and the next thing I knew my fingers were deep inside me. Sitting there in the noon sun on that picnic table. And when I snapped the picture for him, right there in the open I felt the release of energy move from me to him. And I knew, that no matter what he was doing at that moment that in the core of his soul he would feel that I AM HIS. And I was SO PROUD. |
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