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i am in a very commited D/s relationship and only interested in friends, nothing more. Sir would like me to blog about our relationship so here i am :)

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6/25/2013 12:29:27 AM
After having visited my shrink i go home and chat with Seattle. He asks about my day and i tell him about my appointment. He asks why i felt like i needed to see a shrink. I tried to avoid explaining but could see the concern in his eyes so i explained to him what was bothering me, i was so afraid that telling Him would cause him to be angry or not care for me anymore. After telling him everything He asked very calmly if i felt better now that i had told Him about everything and i could honestly answer that i did. He was very understanding and even asked if i still wanted to be His. At that moment i did truly want to be, but it was always easiest when i wasn't near Mr Bossman or my ex. When i was with either of them is when my emotions became more complicated. My reward for my honesty with Seattle was a vibrator induced orgasm while on web cam. The moments like these were so reassuring to me, and so confusing later. I couldn't understand how i could feel so close to someone i'd never even met while we chatted, web cammed, and talked on the phone but so confused at other times.

12/12/2012 2:08:56 PM
It's complicated is my typical answer when anyone asks a question about my mental or emotional state, so when my shrink asks me what is going on in my life that is my reply. He asks me to explain whats going onand so i begin my story...i think i'm crazy (he laughs at me and asks why i would think that). Well, i am in love with three men and i don't know what to do and i feel like i am losing my mind, its just so messed up right now. He nods his head with a concerned look. i start to cry as he hands me a kleenex. i explain that the man i want most of all doesn't want me, the man i have loved since i was 13 is back in my life and i still love him and the man that wants me (Seattle) i only know through online contact. He asks in detail about each, why do you say that the man you want the most doesn't want you? Well, because Mr Bossman said so himself. i threw myself at him and He said no, He is a dominant and we have so much in common, He is my best friend and the only person that really knows me well other than Seattle. He will tease me by spanking me but then says that we are too good of friends. He plays with other subs though and i get jealous. My shrink asks so you are a sub, what does that mean to you? i like pain, bondage, i want to be someones possession, to not be in control, i like cutting myself and burning myself (the words just come out like the tears in a stream). He asks more about these things; do you have thoughts of suicide when you cut yourself? No, when i cut it makes things clearer puts things in perspective. When the cut heals i see that time has passed and that i am ok and it makes its easier to deal with whatever was bothering me. So, you use pain to deal with stress? Not always, but yes the things i can't handle without it and sometimes just because it feels good. My shrink has a intrigued look but continues to question me. i've calmed down some, even thinking about pain calms me. He asks about my ex and i explain that he is a recovering addict. He wants to know details, i tell him that my ex was a wonderful man who got involved in drugs while away at college, that i was naive and didn't believe the people who had tried to warn me and had married him anyway, only to find they were right. He was still a wonderful man as long as he had drug money while we were married but when he couldn't afford his drugs he would abuse me. We had divorced and he had disappeared from the area shortly after. In the past months he had shown back up wanting to be a father, in caution i agreed but only if i was around to supervise, not wanting any chance of him being drugged and around my children. The problem being that he seemed to be the same person i loved back in the good years. He was charming and funny had mildly dominant (or controlling) personality traits and still owned a decent size piece of my heart having been my first everything: first kiss, first foreplay, first bondage, sex, blowjob, husband, everything he was my first. My shrink nodded in understanding as my eyes got moist again and moved me to Seattle the man that wants me. How do you know him? We met in a D/s chat room, our relationship has been slowly progressing, i think i love him but i haven't even met him. It feels crazy to me to have all these mixed up feelings about all three men. Oh how i love shrinks it is about now that he says our time is up for this week and goes to scheduling our next visit. He reassures me that i am not crazy and that he doesn't feel i am a threat to anyone but that he isn't sure yet whether i need to be medicated, We'll leave that for next week he says.

9/4/2012 1:13:45 AM
i had never considered playing online as an option at all, i wanted real time but Seattle seemed to want real time too. He explained that eventually He would take trips to see me but in the time between i should get a web cam and we could play online. i put this off for a while for various reasons. There was still a part of me that wanted and needed to belong to Mr Bossman and that glimpse couldn't have been completely wrong. ?i wasn't sure either about what He would expect of me via cam. ?It was a bit of a thrill, having ?an exhibitionist side, to be on camera and a whole new thing for me. i buy a web cam and while i am at the store i get my first cell phone too. i want to be available to Him whenever He wants me. i am rewarded for my forethought with a one way web cam adventure...he has me masturbate for Him on camera. i am not excited at all about it, first i am a huge fan of my trusty b.o.b. and He has me using my hand which i don't do... ever, and next i can't see Him and last it is humiliating to do such a private thing with someone watching. He uses voice chat while i play with myself telling me exactly where to rub, insert, and how fast or slow i should be doing it. i am embarrassed but feel a strange sense of belonging as well. Still i don't feel anywhere near orgasm which is a good thing since He says i am not allowed to cum without permission. He tells me what a good little slut i am, that my orgasms are for His pleasure not mine, then He orders me to cum. Totally new experience!!!! i cum hard, ok so it wasn't a terrible feeling playing with myself but usually i can tell when an orgasm is coming before it happens, not this one. Looking back i am quite sure that it had more to do with being controlled and humiliated than the physical stimulation but none the less it was an amazing orgasm. He calls me often. Sometimes we just talk about life other times it's with some new order for me to follow. We talk a lot about Mr Bossman still and what happens at work. One day while talking Seattle asks me did Mr Bossman do anything today. Mr Bossman had in fact done some little teasing something that day and i told Seattle about it (the exact details escape me now). Seattle was upset with me and mr Bossman. He said that my body was His and not for Mr Bossman to tease or touch without His permission and He wasn't giving Mr Bossman any such permission. If Mr Bossman did anything again i was to tell him that my body belonged to Him and Mr Bossman was not allowed to play with it.? ?We still chat online but the phone is more personal with the added advantage that i really enjoy His voice. He calls me often with instructions to "remind me" that i am His. One morning He calls and asks if i work today. i reply yes Master. He says good, do You have any rubber bands. Of course i do. He tells me to put one in each nipple just tight enough to feel they are there and to remind me that i belong to Him. He calls me through out the work day and has me take them off in the restroom or put them back on. My mood is amazing i love the control and the mindset that this little bit of play causes. On another day he has me wear an anal plug to work and texts me asking how it feels. He doesn't know that part of the thrill is that i am around Mr Bossman plugged and He doesn't know. We?chat with the web cam a couple times a week most of the time it's just conversation.? One day at work Mr Bossman walks into the bar and playfully slaps my ass. i tell him he isn't allowed that it isn't his to slap. The look on his face is priceless as he asks "oh really? Who's is it?" and i tell him that i am Seattle's and that He says that he isn't allowed to play with me, no spanking ?etc. Mr Bossman shakes his head and walks off and i am not sure whether the look is astonishment or hurt. My friend and fellow bar tender and i had experimented a bit with each other wen we needed release. Seattle knew about us playing with each other and knew about Mr Bossman playing mind games and occasionally spanking me. He knew how much i wanted Mr Bossman and even how insecure all of the rejection had made me. There were no details that i left out leading up to being Seattle's so when my ex husband make a very dramatic re-entrance into my life i am faced with a delimma. Should i tell Him and take a chance of loosing the one bit of security i have or should i deal with it on my own. It's a complicated situation for me, we have a history that was everything from perfect to him becoming a drug addict and abuser and when children are involved it complicates things more. My ex wants a relationship with his child, she knows his history but wants to get to know him and he is off drugs so i agree to visits that are supervised and decide not to mention his presence to Seattle. i do talk about it a little to Mr Bossman and he cautions me that addicts are always addicts. i decide that all visits with my daughter should be supervised which puts me in close contact with my ex. He is so charming and i see the man i loved so much when i was young. there are feelings there still that had been hidden away for years. He was my first everything, first love, first kiss, first foreplay, first bondage, first sex, well you get the picture. i fall for him again and life becomes more complicated than i can handle. i am emotionally overwhelmed and i seek professional help...i start seeing a shrink.

6/11/2012 6:08:51 AM

The morning i am to start working for Mr. Boss Man i recieve two very disturbing phone calls, one from a dear friend about her husband abusing her and while i am still talking to her call waiting interupts and i hear that my niece has died leaving her two little girls motherless. i finish my phone calls shower, shave, dress in a semi modest but provacatively low cut blouse, do my hair, and makeup. i finish my look with my most charming fake smile, perfected with years of practice. maybe later i will cut myself to deal with the day but for now i have a job to do and i have to learn to be a bartender while i am trying to seduce the Boss Man.

 

i arrive early but not early enough to seem over eager, and fill out an application, w-2 information, and an I-9. i fill out an application for my bartending license and run across town for a money order. i return and Mr. Boss Man is there with my friend to train me. The computer system is a breeze, touch screen and very user friendly. The customers are friendly, maybe even what would be considdered overly so. i smile throughout my entire shift and find that when Mr. Boss Man is around i don't have to fake it which is strange for me but a welcome relief since it is exhausting to appear so untouchable by worries of life all the time as i try to do.

 

The day is the beginning of my future and of a long eventful courtship. As time passes Mr. Boss Man and i become very close friends, i learn that He has a protective side that would put most fathers to shame. He will not leave one of his female bartenders alone at night to close for fear of someone trying to rob or molest them so i figure out that if i clock out after my last customer i can close slowly to have more time alone with Him. Each night at the end of my shift i clock out and thoroughly do all my closing duties taking time for a cigarette in between each item on my to do list. During my breaks we talk...we talk about His submissive D and how much He loves and cares for her but how He is releasing her because she needs things He can't give her. We speak of limits and turn ons, He tells me that He likes His submissives completely shaven (of course i rush home and shave off my landing strip that very night). We discuss his clothing preferences oh the amunition He gives me to lure him with my female charms. My friend and fellow bar tender and i dress up in matching school girls outfits with fake glasses and all just like Mr Boss Man likes ;) 

i catch Him looking at us and He looks away shaking His head. i flirt and tease Him and the customers and make very good money doing it. Sometimes i see a hint of iritation in His eyes when i flirt with the men in the bar but He never says a word about it. i push harder and wear a shirt with no back as He loves backless or low back shirts. He barely notices me at all or so i think and stays out of the bar completely. i email Him a checklist with all my likes dislikes and maybes properly marked. HE PRINTS IT OFF AND BRINGS IT TO THE BAR AFTER CLOSING TO DISCUSS! then tells me we arent compatible because i like cutting and he doesn't. One lousy thing in a whole list of hundreds of things and we arent compatible?!?!?!?! i wear the sexiest clothes i can find all to the very specific standard He has let slip that He prefers. The most i get is an occassional slap on the ass. 

 

We continue to talk nearly every night, we talk about life, our pasts, politics, religion, children, abortion, tell jokes, tease, and flirt but He never gives...we are not compatible.

 

Months go by and turn into years, i see his playthings come and go and the jealousy nearly kills me. He prefers blondes so that is the color my hair gets dyed. He takes a local slut (sorry for the insult to her but if you knew the girl you would really understand) and me to his play space and shows me the control he has over her. No pain play only sensation, she has an orgasm right there in front of me! Again He points out that we are not compatible cutting is out and i say that i don't need it but he insists. i am so jealous and outraged that i dye my hair with hot pink streaks in the blonde! That'll show Him... As the time goes by He takes her to play a few other times and i want to cry. Instead of tears i smile my biggest brightest fake smil and cut myself to easy my tension and appease the little green monster, my hair goes red and gets cut short. Finally she goes away and is replaced by J, an average looking woman who Mr Bossman talks to me about on a regular basis. She is a natural submissive not a slut just to be used like the last one. He cares for her (what am i chopped liver?) and she is wonderful. As i sit at a table outside on a nice summer day i see Him walk her to her car and open the door for her and am enraged at Him (jealousy again) as He sits down with me to chat i smart off "have fun with Your new toy?" He insists she isn't a toy that she is a gift and wonderful, as He realizes that i am jealous and laughs at me. i don't know what to do but obviously my glimpse was wrong this man doesn't want me, He has what He wasnts and she is nothing like me much more conservative. i go back to being a blonde, maybe that will work. Some time passes and in the two of them walk into the bar while i am bartending she is fretting over her hair and He tells her its beautiful and then has the gall to ask my opinion knowing that i will compliment her just been half pulled out, looks like she just got laid hair. i oblige him and her by saying it looks nice as i walk off, with bathroom cleaner in my hand, to scrub the bathrooms that were perfectly clean. i go into the bathroom lock the door and cry. How can He be so insensitive! If this is really what he wants then i will find another Dom, fuck him and his frumpy little hussy (ok not nice again i know but i really hated her because she had Him and i didn't). To make matters worse she is a financial disaster and is constantly overdrawn, so He sends me to her bank with money to deposit. The call me J!!!! They think i am her i am there so often, if only.

 

i think to myself i will give it one last try...with plenty of tequilla to get the courage up i tell Mr Bossman that i have a huge crush on Him. He says that i shouldn't, and i ask why. He says to go to the back and i do as i am told it's nearly 3 am and the bar is still full of people but we go to the back room where there is a lounge area with a couch. He throws me onto the couch and says spread your legs. i do as i am told more than willing to let Him play his mind games with me and getting more turned on by the second the tequilla has made me brave. He says wider and i throw one of my legs over the back of the couch and i hang my other leg off the edge of the couch. He runs his hand down my pants and pinches my clit hard, it hurts sooooo good! Then He slides his finger inside my sopping cunt and rubs almost long enough to make me cum before jerking His hand away and saying "you aren't properly shaved" and walking off. Seriously?!?!?! i had shaved that morning just because i was a bit prickly yeesh! After He acts as if nothing was ever said that night, i give and go on a quest to find a replacement.

 

i find some online sites for BDSM and make my profile looking for a Dom into almost everything. Oh the responses i got...so many men into kinky sex but nothing else, i wanted the package deal. The first Dom i became interested in decided he wanted my home address before we had even met and was going to come to my house and fuck me in my doorway with the door wide open. Nope, sorry, causal sex on the first meet i don't think so, bye bye. The next one sent up flags everything he said, no safeword he didnt need them to know when i'd had enough being the final straw and again bye bye. There were some decent Doms along the way too. i made a very dear friend in Colorado online that was always there for me when i needed an ear and i tried my best to return the favor he will always hold a spot in my heart but even though i was looking actively he just wasn't what i wanted. There was a sweet young man in New York that i often chatted with but he was only 18 and that was far too young for me. The truth was i wanted Mr Bossman. One day while in a yahoo D/s chat room back in the days of user created rooms i met a Dom from Seattle that piqued my interest, we chatted openly in the room for a few days before He im'd me. The im wasn't an instant demand for me to kneel at His feet or call me Master, it was sweet and we chatted for hours that first day. We spoke of where we were from in a general area kind of way. He asked of my views on general life ideas and i did his. We chatted for months about everything, from the weather to D/s. He was a mature man, and had a vague resemblance to Mr Bossman in his appearance. His demeanor was stern but caring. i found myself falling for Him. i still wanted Mr Bossman more than anything but He was a close second and He wanted me too, which was a major plus...i was needy and Mr Bossman made it clear that He was giving no more than an occassional smack on the ass or mind game to me. i needed more, i needed to belong to someone to be their possesion to be controled and freed at the same time. After much discussion a lot of it about Mr Bossman and my relationship. Seattle asked if i would like to be His and i said yes. 


5/8/2012 7:52:09 PM
i arrive for my interview and my friend is bartending, she says hang on I'll get the manager. She returns with her manager and Mr Boss Man (as we call him for years after in public conversations). My heart races, the manager asks me to have a seat at a table and proceeds to ask typical interview questions. Mr Boss Man asks more personal questions. Do I know you from somewhere? You look familiar? Maybe, i use to come here for coffee and cappuccino. Really? By yourself? No i use to bring my kids for coffee before nap time a lot. You have three kids right? Yes. I remember you, you walked with them pushing a stroller. The interview turned into a pleasant conversation about the coffee shop, my kids, life. The manager excused herself while we chatted. Mr Boss Man asks me when i can start and my heart races...i'm hired! i will get to know Him better, maybe if i am lucky he doesn't have a submissive, maybe He has thought about me, maybe i could be His...

5/4/2012 7:48:59 PM
i visit my friend at work as often as i can which isn't nearly as often as i would like. i want an excuse to be near her Boss as often as i can but i am not a big drinker and so the occasional drink or to drop a pack of cigarettes off is about the only things i can come up with, unfortunately He isn't always around and i only get to talk to him a couple times. Then one day i am sitting at home and my phone rings. It's the manager of the bar she works at, they had to fire two bar tenders and my dear friend has recommended me for the job. As you can surely imagine i was dumbfounded...this couldn't be more perfect. If i work for Him i can see him all the time, get to know Him, see if we are compatible, offer myself to Him. i find myself wondering if the fates are stirring things in my favor for once in my life. i agree to an interview that very afternoon, and spend the rest of the morning and early afternoon hours getting ready. i have to make a great second first impression since He doesn't remember me yet.

4/8/2012 7:20:14 PM

The history of U/us: Sir would like me to keep a journal about our journey together but to bring everyone up to where we are now you will need to hear one of the greatest love stories of all times. So here goes, Once upon a sunny morning about 15 years ago i decided to take my 3 toddlers for a walk to the new coffee shop down the road. They always napped better after a bit of caffeine and i am a coffee addict. There is a male barista with the most amazing blue eyes, and i have what i call a glimpse (call it what you like, some say esp). i see pain, death, fear, joy, happiness but what truly shocks me is the emotion i feel. i know without a doubt that we are soul mates and will someday be madly in love. i chat with the barista for a bit while the kiddos drink their mostly creamer coffees and head home thoroughly shaken.?

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i begin to frequent the coffee shop often, the coffee is rich and delicious and the company enthralling. We speak of the weather, coffee, all very generic impersonal conversations but i cannot get enough. i need to be near him. Time passes and with the passing of time gas stations start to carry lousy versions of cappuccinos that the people in the community like better than the real thing and my coffee shop closes. i walk past but never see my Barista out.?

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Years pass, He never leaves my mind but life throws many things in the way to occupy me and time passes. My best friend is thinking of divorce and i convince her she needs to get a job and save money just in case she does. There is a new bar opening where my coffee shop use to be with a sign out bar tenders needed. She stops in and is hired on the spot. She is very happy in her new job and we chat often about her new boss over coffee at my house. He is quite the character she tells me in a conspiratorial tone. Nearly in a whisper she says "He ties women up and spanks them". My interest is peaked we talk for hours about Him. Finally, she convinces me to come have a drink while she is working.?

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I walk into the remains of my coffee shop, and it brings back such memories. His smile while we chatted, the ice blue of his eyes, how my heart would race when we talked. i miss the Barista who i barely knew, and then i hear his voice! He walks behind the bar and speaks to my friend! He owns the Bar!!!! My heart almost stops, He is the man who likes to tie women up and spank them...oooooh my! Please pick me, pick me.

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Valenia2003
 
 Age: 40
  North Carolina