I have spent the better part of this year getting to know people in the greater Los Angles BDSM society. I have learned much this year and still realize how much I truly do not know.

I have been fortunate enough to have met several M/s couples that I highly admire, meeting and knowing these individuals is wonderful but at the same time it pains me because I see what I crave/desire in these relations, it does give me hope that people ARE truly living this life as close to 24/7 as possible.

So, I still seek. I do not believe that I will find a match on the internet so that is why I attend some functions in hopes of connecting with One.

I know that it is to slave and I now have a greater respect toward the true Dominates in regards to that even as submitting is a gift, I feel a greater gift is to the One that takes over and molds the person that they are in charge of.

Still walking alone and still trying to find my way, Thank you again for reading, keeping up with this girl and for your time.

herJourney

I guess that the situation that i find myself in over the past couple of months seems to be uncommon in regards to the idea that we, my former Owner and i are still taking care of one another?

We have been living apart from one another for the past 2 months but being that i will be relocating back to the country of my birth, it is not like this move can happen over night. We are also both responsible adults and hold no ill feeling toward one another, actually we both only want the best for the other.

We are not in any “fight” and are parting as caring friends. i am certain that i will miss him as he will me and even though we were not able to make the M/s layer of our life work we still do care very deeply for one another.

On that note, i am trying to leave the house in the best order that i can. I defrosted the deep freezer and threw away thing that i knew that he would not use or like, that took a whole day to defrost and get the freezer back to temperature. i cleaned the house from top to bottom. i have cleaned out the closets where my things were, whiping them down. I will leave the area that i am currently in, in a state of order.

He has handled the shipping of my personal possessions, talks/negotiating that had to happen in Dutch or French. Dealing with the financial aspect of letting me go back to America.

This is a 'one-way' ticket and i do not step away from this man lightly because he is a very good/caring person and i am sure that there will be tears cried by both of us in parting.

I gave everything that i could to be his slave in Belgium and he holds no fault towards me.

Thank You for reading and i hope that the next journal is more uplifting.

submissively,

herJourney

I finished packing my belongings today, i have to weigh them and give an inventory of the content of the boxes for customs to accept or inspect.

Tomorrow i will dismantle my road bike and try my best to pack it, in it's travel case as carefully that i can.

Bears are still not packed... lol, they maybe included in my checked baggage, not sure yet. They are just stuffed objects, anyway.

i hope that this journal finds Y/you all well.

submissively,

herJourney

Well today started off good for me, i did my measurements this morning and was surprised to see that i have lost 2cm on my hips, waist and under my chest, i have lost 1cm on my bust and on each of my thighs. So it looks like the effort that i am making in working out is paying off, that is a positive thing.

i have almost finished packing my boxes and finished sorting out all the clothing/shoes to give to charity. i was proud that i was able to sift through so much and was happy that i could donate somethings that i have not worn in 5 years to charity.

i showed my former Owner, thinking that he would be pleased. He thought that it was very wasteful of me to give so much away, he said that i must have not had to work very hard for those things. i explained that i did work hard to get those clothing but i had not worn them in years, that some things did not fit anymore or they were out of style, that some were stained and that they would not have to be shipped back to America. He seemed mad and told me that i could do what i wanted with them but that i could leave them here and he could ship them to me later, if i decided that i wanted them.

i took the bags, packed them in the car to take to the collection center. i returned to his office to tell him that i was leaving to find him on the phone with the shipping company. The company gave him a 'rounded' quote of how much it would cost per 50kg, it was not cheap. In the end he agreed that it was best to give the things that i could or did not use any longer to charity, i think that he understands that i do not want him to have to waste any unneeded money to return me back to America.

So, i took the things to the collection place and bag by bag inserted them into the chute with hopes that they might bless or help someone else in need.

It has just been a roller coaster of a day emotionally for me today. i can not wait until i have a sense of peace again and calmness in my life.

Trying to take care of me.

Thank You in reading about this submissive.

herJourney

i spent most of the day packing, cleaning and doing laundry.

While sifting though paperwork, books and things i had go through the notebooks that i used/created when i was busy studying Dutch. i had amassed several large binders full of personal notes, studies or assignments that i had completed. i realized, while sorting through these papers, just how hard i did work in integrate myself into this country. i worked very hard to learn Netherlands (or Dutch) and while it has re-programmed my mind to learn languages i wonder if it will ever be useful?

Funny, even though i did learn Dutch and tried my best to integrate into the Belgian way of life... no one ever talked to me or tried to, they all talked around me but i could understand what they were saying... lol :D

The third language that i was busy learning was/is French but i am considering allowing that study to sit on the back burner while i study Spanish instead. Spanish is a more useful language in America then Dutch or French ;)

So, i pulled all the papers out of the binders and set them neatly in the trash; i did, however, pack a Netherlands study book and a Van Dale dictionary so that i will be able to keep/train the language skill that i have learned.

i hope that is entry finds A/all well, happy and safe.

submissively,

herJourney

Packing up...

Got boxes, plastic and tape yesterday, i had already sorted through most of my things and will donate a 1/3 of what i have to charity.

i started packing up my things today in boxes to be shipped back to America. i have lined the boxes with plastic because some of my clothing was damaged/water stained when it originally arrived from America to Belgium, i am hoping that the plastic will protect it better.

*crosses fingers*

i have books that are being shipped so i am putting some books in every box so that i do not end up with one REALLY heavy box of books.

i have packed 6 boxes so far and i think that i am almost halfway, not sure tho.

The last thing that i will pack will be my collection of small teddy bears, most of them hold a personal memory for me, i will make sure that my bears are protected and shipped carefully.

Taking care of me... or trying to do the best that i can.

Thank You for taking time to read this journal and to learn more about this submissive.

herJourney

i have made a choice that i will start doing activities that will calm me, i will take better care of my diet and i will drop 2 clothing sizes.

i felt good knowing that i did/could take care of myself for the month that i was back in America, well in all actuality i have been taking care of myself for the past 4 years even though i was living under his roof. As a slave i was allowed to do pretty much anything that i wanted to, there were very few rules and the rules were of such a nature that i would have found 'breaking' one of them morally wrong.

i will return back to Southern California to live and to continue searching for a new Owner and communicating with the very few that i am in contact with at the moment. i am not certain that i will find One that will be a good fit because it seems that the people that ARE active in the lifestyle seem to be heavy sadists seeking masochist submissive slaves. i do have masochist tendencies, i however am not a requesting party for heavy pain. i would submit to a sadist, if He understood and was skilled to bring up a new submissive's pain threshold, i would take a greater degree of pain at His hands to bring Him pleasure.

i will return back to Southern California stronger, with my head in the correct space, fitter and armed with some well thought out questions for Dominants that show and interest in Ownership. i would like Dominants that approach me or that i approach to realize that it is going to take me time to think, sort through feelings and come to a sane conclusion.

i have been in contact with a handful of Dominants that show a sincere interest in Ownership and there are a few that i feel could be very good candidates. This entire process is not easy for me and i sometimes get those scary overwhelming feelings again, the one's that i got the first time that i sought a Owner. Because of those overwhelming feelings my profile has been turned off for over a month, i do still read profiles and make notations of Dominants that i find seem to have a level of skill and class. I have yet to approach very many that i have noted because i know that beginning communication with them at this time would not be an ideal situation.

i have tried to teach myself how to approach a Dominant with respect, i do feel i need to learn to be more humble and to keep my ego in check. i realize that taking on a slave is a lot of work for a Dominant, that we submissive people will need to be molded to suit the Owner's taste/likes/dislikes and that the molding is a very time consuming process. i have my share of baggage, when opening myself up completely to a Dominant i feel extremely vulnerable and i do understand the need for transparency in a D/s relationship. It can, however, be very hard to share everything and to be transparent to someone that i do not know. i realize that the Dominant also needs to know what type of person, material that He has to work with and if He is willing to take that slave on or not. i feel that i am finding a balance in my thinking and a better understanding, respect for the lifestyle and the people that are involved in a M/s or D/s relationship.

Thank You for Your time and effort in getting to know this girl.

submissively,

herJourney

i have returned to America/LA area  to re-connect with my very dear friends and to look at things with another eye.

i have been here for a few days, i have gotten to spend sometime with a couple of friends and am looking forward to meeting up with the other 2 friends.

i have to make sure that i keep my structure, as it is important in my focus and not get caught up in making plans all the time for this month that i am back... i am learning how to say no in the best intrest of my well being... i, however, know that i am a people pleaser and that i have missed these few close friends greatly, i just have to find a balance :)  and i feel that i will and can.

i have thought long and hard about what encircles my neck. i have a mindset that i will not wear anything around it unless it is a slave collar, so my neck will remain free of jewelry, naked and waiting, willing and desiring.

Thank You for Your effort in getting to know this submissive!

herJourney

Today this one took a hard look at herself and decided that she had just been coping. she is setting a daily schedule for herself to try to regain some structure, lose structure it may be... he goes!

she will

Cross stitch for 1 hour in the morning to help her reflect on her feelings

Breakfast with conversations over current life status or current events

General chores around the house to make it a pleasant place to be.

Checking the refrigerator to see what in need of re-stalk, re-cutting

Check in on the Internet to add to her profile or journal

Exercise for 1 hour, weightlifting plus cardo (would ideally shift this to the morning when feeling stronger)

General bathing/self care 1 hour

Playing her Clarinet/Music study 1 hour

French audio lesson 30 mins

in between... living life as it comes to her.