I arranged to meet survivor 1 at a restaurant in Echo Park on a pleasant Saturday afternoon.  He was waiting when I got there, and I immediately recognized him from the photo he sent.  As soon as I saw him, I remember thinking, "This is it.  This is the one."  He was as handsome as the photo, even better.  He was well groomed, had an intelligent healthy face, and a body indicating he watched his diet and exercised.  And he had a presence.  I sat down with the ease as if I was meeting an old friend.  Our conversation was intelligent: he was an opera buff, and we compared notes on the L.A. Opera production of Don Carlo, talked about the operas of Monteverdi.  We talked about books we have read and are reading.  It was an extremely wonderful conversation.  The food was good, and I thought I was going to proceed with this guy and if he offered to take me to his place--not that day because I had some other things to do, but next week, I was going to accept.  After we ate, and continued chatting, when everything seem so good, he said something that crossed one of my redlines. 

When I got to the bar, N was already there. I could tell by the way she was dressed that she came with the same mind set I had.

"Aren't we spiffy?" she said as I set down on the stool next to her.

"We are. I feel great and if I wake up tomorrow alone, I'm going to put myself in a nunnery" I responded. "How is the talent?" I asked.

She looked around, and said "If it doesn't pick up, you may have to join one."

I laughed and glanced around. The men were gathered in small groups, probably young lawyers or doctors, either talking about sports, or the latest success they had defending some corporation from a lawsuit filed by some poor working stiff trying to make ends meet, or they were talking about some botched up operation they participated in.

"Yep, pretty grim" I said. But it didn't really matter, because N and I began catching up on our lives. We had not seen each other in months, and there was the usual girl talk about men, family, relationships, job, and school.

While we were talking I notice N looking up over my shoulder to someone approaching and immediately I heard a voice behind me say "Hello Heloise."

I quickly turned around and saw a familiar face. "Hello, C."

I met C through Bill, who was a mutual friend. Physically he was a catch. Very handsome, with a body that showed he took care of with exercise and good diet. He is very bright: after graduating from college, he went to law school, but instead of practicing afterward, he went to medical school and was in a residency in psychiatry. Bill described C as a perpetual student, who also had a history of problematic relationships with women. Bill also told me one other thing about C that shocked me when I heard it. C, Bill said was into bondage and was quite open about. When Bill told me this, I reacted with horror and disgust, and said C probably hates women. However, later when I thought about it, I was extremely curious. I had never met anyone who was into it and wondered what I would do if he showed interest in me. So though I met him on and off at parties and dinners at Bill’s house over the next couple of years, I never had to confront the question because he never expressed any interest in me.

I introduced him to N, and as he leaned forward to shake her hand, I noticed he gave a furtive glance at my thighs. I knew in an instant I had him, but the question was, did I want him? I closed my eyes, asking myself, "should I or shouldn't I? Should I risk it? Should I do something I've never done before?" Relieved of the burden of school, free of responsibility and obligations for the first time in memory, I looked up at C and thought to myself, "why not?" This may not lead to anything, but lets see how far this evening goes.

It wasn't long before C and I were shamelessly flirting with each other. The focus and energy between us cut N out and shortly, she excused herself. As she got off her stool, she gave me a quick wink, and smiled, and I knew she was wishing me luck.

The entry goes on about the drive up the Malibu, being tied up, blindfolded, carried downstairs, put in a cage, which I tried to escape from but couldn't.  By the next day, I was worn down, fed, and though I didn't know it at the time, my slavery was beginning.

there is a couple of things i decided from the call from the surgeon.  first, i am not calling my ex.  i didnt love him when i was his slave, i'm disgusted with him and myself that i was his slave, and im still angry how he discarded me.  i don't want to see him again and really don't care anything about him.  second, i am curious about what happened between my ex and N and so i called the surgeon, and of course, he wasnt there, so i left a message for him to call me.  as i write this, he still hasn't called.  the third thing is, i don't know whether to call N.  afterall she was my friend, a long time friend.  and i am strangely concerned about her.  i know how difficult things can be after a breakup.  so i'll see: it depends on what the surgeon says.  i'll then decide.

a man's sexuality is very interesting.  after my Abelard had his orgasm yesterday, his incredible orgasm, i let him rest and recover his sexual energy.  when i went back, i tried getting him hard, first by rubbing his cock and then sucking it.  i tried everything i knew but he really couldn't get it up.  his cock had some life in it but not enough to penetrate me.  i got tired, and Abelard i think lost interest.  rather than the sexual arousal concentrating his thoughts, he seemed like he was drifting away.  finally, we agreed that his earlier orgasm took everything out of him, so i untied him.  we laid next to each other, hugging, and gently kissing, feeling very much in love.  it was not long before i could feel his cock stretching out, pressing against me and then sliding betwen my legs.  our love was bringing on the erection.  i rolled over, he mounted me and easily entered me.  we hugged each other tightly while he thrust gently inside me as i squeezed his cock with my muscles.  i think we came together, but im not sure, but it was so wonderful.  it is said variety is the spice of life, and our sex sure has variety.

life is so odd, unpredictable, and exciting.  after registering at collarme, considering moving to australia, chatted and even did some cyber sex with a couple of doms here in collarme, i end up with a guy who lives two miles away and i met in r/l with bondage not on my mind.  i cant keep new years eve out of my mind.  when i first came to collarme, i thought bondage and love were incompatible.  now i cant imagine myself ever, ever doing it with someone i didn’t love first.  it intensifies the sex, deepens the love, and enriches the relationship.  i think i was ready for this relationship because of the people i met here in collarme.  when i look back at what i believed just three months ago, i cant believe how much ive changed.  THANK YOU COLLARME FOR ALL YOU DID FOR ME.  it has been several days since new years eve and we have slept together every night since.  what is interesting to me, is as wonderful as new years eve was, we have only made love vanilla style, or vanilla styles, and i have no idea when we’ll do any bondage again.  and it really doesn’t matter if and when we’ll ever do it again.  i’m attracted to bondage but its not as an irresistible passion.  my main thought now, is not about bondage, but having time to be together.  my b/f was involved this morning in a critical maneuver at work, which was done successfully.  a week from sunday, his involvement ends and we will know if it was a successful mission.  During the next ten days, he is going to be spending a lot of time at work with very erratic hours.  the thought of possibly not being with him each evening makes me anxious.  he is at home right now, so i’m going to leave here shortly.  now that i’m in love, totally in love, completely in love, i think i can honestly say that i have finally found my Abelard.

while my geek and i were sitting and having breakfast after our love making and bondage, i was reminded for a second about my first morning with my ex master.  i had spent the night tied up in a cage.  in fact, i spend most nights during the three years i was with him in a cage.  there were a few times he allowed me to sleep with him, but they were few.  i was exhausted, beaten down, with no strength, and feeling grimy from the hours early in the evening when i struggled to escape.  that first morning, i sat naked at the kitchen table, tied up with my wrists behind my back, and my ankles shackled.  my ex fed me, spoon fed me.  it was all part of the process that slowly squeezed all emotions out of me and left me, my body, my feelings in his control.  but on new years day, three days ago, i was so different.  instead of beaten down, i was elated, i was in heaven, i was so happy, and im still glowing over it.  my geek and i cooed.  i had never been tied up by a lover before.  my ex husband didn’t do it, and C, who did do it, i didn’t love.  later that day, we went to a couple of open houses.  i guess we were on display as a couple, telling many of our friends for the first time that we are an item.

on new years eve, the geek picked me up and we went out for an early dinner in pasadena.  we deliberately avoided discussing what we were going to do afterwards.  but when we got to his house, we sat and talked a little about it.  we admitted we were both nervous but looking forward to trying it.  he told me he bought some toys during the week.  when i asked what they were, he told me they would be a surprise.  finally, we decided to begin.  i took off my clothes and we walked downstairs to a little room underneath his sun deck.  he told me he wanted to tie me up to one of the wood poles propping up the sun deck, so i walked over to it.  following his direction, i wrapped my arms behind my back, hugging the pole, while he tied up my wrists.  he then tied my ankles to hooks that i guess screwed into the floor so my legs were slightly spread apart.  the geek then got some belts and used them to tie my waist, my thighs, tightly to the pole.  he then gagged me with a ball gag and blindfolded me, which he secured with something, (a rope?)  encased in darkness, my thoughts, my senses withdrew within me.  my sense of vulnerability, of being exposed, helpless, immobile intensified  while my awareness of the rope around my wrists and the straps pulling tightly against my skin, embracing my naked body to the pole.  i started wiggling, struggling to test how secure i was.  the geek may be a novice at bondage but it tied me like a pro.  i could tell i couldn’t get out, but i continued struggling thinking that he might like watching me squirm.  i think he did for after a time, (i don’t know if it was a minute or five minutes because i was loosing all sense of time), he told me how beautiful i looked.  hearing him say that made me almost swoon, i got a hot flash of arousal, taking me further into an other worldly realm, in which i was hardly aware of what was taking place around me.  i faintly heard him walk over to me.  i think he paused, and then touched my front side with one finger.  and when he did, i had a convulsion of incredible pleasure bolting through my body, over coming my emotions, my feelings.  i forgot how incredibly pleasureful, erotic, how intense being touched is while being tied up is.  i think i screamed, or tried to through the gag.  immediately i was carried into another emotional realm and only have a vague recollection of being gently caressed, fondled, my nipples gently squeezed.  i must have been moaning with pleasure but i don’t really know.  i think he started tracing the outline of my tummy with his finger, moving down to my clit.  when he touched it, i immediately came, with rolling spasms of pleasure, of relief, of warmth.  i don’t think i ever came so quickly in my whole life.  when the pleasures of the orgasm faded, the geek untied me,  and we sat, talked and hugged awhile.  at about 11, he tied me up again.  this time i was on his bed and he tied my wrists to my ankles.  i was gagged but not blindfolded.  our eyes locked and i felt so connected to him.  he touched me for awhile, arousing me, and finally started taking off his clothes.  He was very aroused by me, which pleased me.   after sliding between my legs, he rubbed my pussy with his cock and then easily slipped it into my very wet pussy.  when he was in me, we just looked at each other, filled with love, and pleasure.  what were two people had become one.  i don’t recall ever feeling so connected with a person.  after awhile, he slowly started thrusting in me.  the timing was perfect, for as the firecrackers outside announced the coming of the new year, the geek was exploding inside me, shooting his cum as a gift, while we shared our loving simultaneous orgasms.  and as we regained consciousness of our surroundings, he untied me, we crawled under the covers and went to sleep in each others arms.  at dawn, we again made love, again having simultaneous orgasms as the first light of the new year penetrated our love nest.  we again went to sleep and i woke alone in bed hours later.  i was initially shocked but then smiled as i heard the geek futzing around in the kitchen, preparing breakfast for both of us.  what an unbelievably wonderful way to start this new year.   i cannot believe that what i’ve gone through this year, how happy i now am.

i finally told my geek about my past slavery.  his initial response and reaction was totally unexpected.  he didn’t believe me.  “I was a what?” he said.  “A slave.”  “What do you mean a slave?”  he chuckled and shook his head in disbelief.  “What did you do as a slave?  Pick cotton?”  so i told him, i served a guy sexually for three years.  i rarely left the house, and took care of his house.  i didn’t go into a lot of detail.  he didn’t ask, and i still find it painful to really think about.  he asked how i became one, and i told him that after my marriage broke up, i was rather at loose ends, unemployed and trying to get my feet on the ground.  an old friend from high school, n, and i went to a pick up bar.  C was there, who i had met before at parties of a mutual friend.  C, i was told by our mutual friend that he was into bondage.  so when he started hitting on me, i decided to go with it.  this was a chance to finally experience a fantasy that i’ve had for years with someone i could trust.   i knew it would be safe.  we drove to his house in malibu, he tied me up, and i essentially never left, until i was released about a year ago.  why was i released, the geek asked.  its ironic, but n became C’s new slave.  at first she would just come on weekends for training, but then moved in.  and later, she and C fell in love, and there was no room for me.  so i was released.  the geek asked why didn’t I leave earlier?  i confessed that  i loved being tied up so much, that the pleasure kept me there.  the pleasure was so intense, that i gradually ended up doing things, surrendering myself, squeezing all desire other than the pleasure from bondage that i didn’t leave.  he shook his head in disbelieve, and then asked if i still wanted to be tied up.  i paused a moment, and then blerted out, “only by you.”  he smiled, and said that he has had fantasies, not major ones, about tieing up a woman.  one thing in our conversation led to another, i can’t recall the sequence, but we ended up talking about him tieing me up.  with a three day weekend coming up, we decided to try doing it this weekend.

i can think of a million questions the geek might ask after knowing i was a slave.  maybe i should just tell him and let the chips fall where they may.  i don’t know what he’ll ask.  i should try to answer them and if something is too painful to just tell him i cant talk about it at this time.  maybe by telling him about my past, it will be a test of how strong our love is.   

its not just that im afraid the geek will think im too weird to be with, im particularly afraid he is going to ask if ive grown out of the life style.  if he does ask me, ill tell him i could never be a slave again.  the further i am away in time i am from it, the deeper the shame i feel for what i did, what i allowed to be done to me.  it pains me to now think about it.  and there are no pleasant memories from it.  but if the geek asks, what about being a sub?  could i still be a sub?  i don’t know what ill say.  ill probably tell him that ill only be a sub if we break up.  i am not so attracted to the life style or the need is so strong that i will sneak out behind his back to do it.  ill tell him, no matter how weird my past relationships were, what is consistent is ive always been monogamous.  even when my ex master loaned me out, or rented me out, i was still serving him.  i think that with him out of the picture, that is the reason i had so much anxiety about being tied up with the surgeon.  But im afraid the geek won’t believe me.  what if iI found out he was a drug addict until just 10 months ago and now said he was through with it.  would i trust him?  im afraid knowing that would cast a cloud on our relationship because i would always fear he would go back to it.  the same way, i fear that him knowing of my past slavery will cast a cloud over our relationship.  maybe i should just treat my slavery as one of those dark secrets that most people have of their past that they are ashamed of, and keep it to myself.

i realize i want to share what i learned in part because i feel guilty that i did not treat the people who were interested in me well.   i find it ironic that i came to collarme as a sub yet i ended up using Doms to satisfy my needs, which is to grow up and get my feet on the ground.  i learned a lot from two types of Doms i chatted with.  the first were those i ended up having some problems with.  the second, were from those i really had no problems with, but raised questions within me about what i really wanted in life.  the first Dom i had a problem with was one who wanted to tie me up and beat the crap out of me.  when i said i didn’t like that, he asked, why?  i was really turned off by the question because i would expect a Dom to respect my feelings.  i said to the Dom, how would you like to be tied up and let me whip you?   he said that wouldn’t work.  i asked, “why?”  he had no answer.  i don’t need Doms to make me feel defensive about my feelings and have to explain what i like.  if they can’t accept them, then i want nothing to do with them.  after that, i went through my messages and deleted messages from Doms who said they know what i want.  how could they know what i want since they don’t know me, have never met me.    

i just had a deliciously romantic weekend.  a play, dinner, a hike in the mountains, a stroll along the beach at sunset, making love for the first time.  it has been quite a weekend.  i can’t believe it has only been two weeks since i met the guy at a party the day after thanksgiving.  though he is a geek, who does extremely sophisticated programming in an intense scientific environment, we hit it off immediately.  he lives close, only a couple of miles away in a small house up on a hill.  In the days after the party we met for coffee in the evening a couple of times, we went to the paul mcartney concert, and saw “capote” last friday.  we would have gone for a hike in the nearby san gabriels last weekend, but he had to work because of an emergency on one of his projects.  when we are together we seem to have so much in common and never seem to stop talking.  its as if we have known each for all our lives or had parallel lives that have just been waiting to connect.  we fit together, complementing each other temperamentally, and with life’s experiences.  he knows about my marriage, however i have not told him i was a slave, and i don’t plan to.  he has a dry intelligent sense of humor, is open to learning about opera and classical music, and broadening his cultural horizon.  his mind seems like fly paper: he seems to recall all sorts of trivia in movies, old radio programs, music, and baseball.  he is kind of a nerd, but I think because of that he doesn’t intimidate me or frighten me.  our relationship seems to have a sense of equality that i don’t think i ever had—i surely didn’t have it with my ex-husband, and definitely not with my ex-master.  with the deepening of this vanilla relationship, i will be out of circulation here in collarme for awhile, and maybe forever.  it has been an extremely valuable experience here.  the people i chatted with were a necessary foil against which i learned a lot about myself and i am sure i will think of them, if not for the rest of my life, or even often.  but i will think of them when i encounter situations that challenge and test who i am.

some days don’t turn out as you planned, and today was one of them.  riding up in the elevator this morning, i was alone with a women who looked familiar.  she stared at me and finally asked if i recognized her.  catherine, i said.  “what are you doing here?” she asked.  “i work here," and though i knew the answer i asked "and you?”  “i have AIDS” she answered.  “and i had it in high school.”  she looked horrible—thin, haggard, and much older than her age.  she said we was looking for a bathroom and when we got to my floor i directed her to the ladies room.  after, she came by my office and we talked.  where was she living?  in her car with her dog.  she was in tears, and broke down and sunk to the floor, and talked about how humiliating it is trying to get housing.  she asked about my parents and my sister.  she was not a close friend in high school, but she was close enough to be at our house and knew my family.  after graduation, i didn’t see her until today.  and when we parted this morning, i was in excruciating pain and almost in tears.  later this morning, a coworker passed by and asked how was i.  i said not so good, and when i tried to tell him what happened, i broke down and cried like a baby.  ive known people who died of AIDS, but they were all men, and they were older than me.  ive never known someone my own age, or a woman my age with it.  i’m around people all day with it, but i don’t know them so its somewhat unemotional.  seeing catherine, my peer, devastated me.  all day i have been thinking of how ragged she looked, how much pain she has, how she slumped to the floor, and yet asked about my family.  i felt so helpless, and yet i did not give her a hug, and now hate myself for it.  all this left me exhausted and close to crying all day.  i met the surgeon this evening and we had a somber, sober, serious conversation about AIDS, health care, helping others and other deeply felt things.  things lightened up only a little when we talked about opera.  he invited me to attend tosca next weekend.  though im seeing Parsifal on saturday, I agreed, though it’s a lot of opera in a short space of time.  after dinner, we kissed italian style—three pecks on the cheek, and I drove home.

i received a very interesting message yesterday.  it came from one of the Doms who was in the group that my ex-Master use to socialize with at D/s parties.  he recognized me here and sent a brief message asking if it was me.  when i read his message my first impulse was to delete it and not respond.   though shaking i paused and held back. i don’t think i had any clear thoughts but i probably held back because i now had a contact with my ex-Master and i am curious what has happened to him and his slave.  i was at the Doms house in Bel-Air twice.  once was at one of the group’s parties and the other time was about two years ago when I was rented out for three days by my ex-master who went to a conference in san francisco.  besides having an extremely well-equipped dungeon, the Dom had a sharp sense of humor.  he is a doctor—and orthopedic surgeon, so he is large, strong, big hands, but well coordinated with an incredible delicate touch.   i wrote back to the Dom and told him i was busy this weekend, but if he would send me his yahoo address, perhaps we could chat next week.  he hasn’t responded as of this morning. 

One of the issues that I thought about when agonizing about having children, is the place love has in D/s relationships.  Several people who gave me advice mentioned it as part of the relationship.  I must be weird but I think love has nothing to do with a slave relationship, though it may be there in a sub relationship.  During the three years I was with my master we had frequent, prolong, and intense sex but I never was in love with him and I don’t think he loved me.  We rarely slept together, and most of the few times we did, I was loosely tied up.  There were a few rare times after particularly intense sex we slept together as lovers.  Even when he took me on his business or professional trips, which he did only twice in the three years, I slept tied up on a king size bed which was like being in separate beds.  I think if love was part of our relationship, I would not have been able to submit and surrender so completely.  It seems that with love, the slave has a great space for herself, and if the love grows her emotional space expands until she is simply in a marriage with kink.  Looking back on the end of my relationship, I now think my master preferred the other slave because they were falling in love.  Before I was released, they slept together twice in a short period of time—much shorter than the master and I ever did, and then he took her on two of his trips, I knew something was happening.  It was painful and I finally asked my master to be released.  I wonder what happened to their relationship and whether it became marriage with kink.  I guess there is great variety in the D/s relationships, relationships change, and the people change, but love was not part of mine, and it is it not something I’m now seeking.

When I finally logged on to collarme after being away last week and having a house guest on the weekend, I read emails from people with advice on having children in a D/s relationship.  The messages were all heart felt and captured a humanity and warmth that is often absent in the profiles and the initial introductory emails I have received.  Most of the people providing advice asked nothing in return, and seemed content in simply giving it.  I was so pleased that people took the time and trouble to help me.  The advice ranged the complete gamut, from agreeing with my feelings that any children a slave has with a Dom is the Dom’s children, to any children would be mine as well if fathered by a Dom, to, don’t even have any.  Though I had already made up my mind when I started reading them that I don’t want children if I’m in a slave relationship and I don’t want a slave relationship at this time in my life because it would cut me off from having my children, I was happy to see there is a great range of opinion on this.  And this variety encouraged me to be comfortable with my decision and not feel guilty that it is wrong.   

October 5, 2005

I had a very pleasant conversation with a Dom in one of the CollarMe chat rooms last night.  He seems intelligent, sensitive and warm.  The problem is that he lives in Australia.  I don't know how I'll be able meet him several times before I could commit to being his slave.  Still, I seem to have some hope.  We exchanged our private yahoo addresses.  I went to bed last night excited about the possibilities, but not optimistic we will be able to overcome the difficulties.  We are going to chat tonight and pursue this further.