I have known, played with, and owned many submissives, all of which have been very different from each other, some markedly so. While there are differences in what I look for depending on whether I am considering a long-term playmate without any other relationship or commitment, a one-off type of encounter, a short-term training relationship, or a long-term, committed relationship, the general guidelines I use when choosing a submissive are generally the same for all of them. The main considerations are always how fully I am able to fulfill her needs, what needs of mine she is able to fulfill, and whether or not there is sufficient compatibility between us for whatever relationship is at stake.
The following 11 characteristics of the ideal submissive are what I feel are most important when considering a submissive. They are not hard and fast rules, nor will every submissive have them all. They are general guidelines I use to determine if a girl would be right for me, or if I should look elsewhere.
SUBMISSIVENESS
Even though this seems like a no-brainer, we have all met submissives who are demanding of our time and attention, who want things just so, and who will be disobedient just for the sake of testing her Dominant. There are few things more frustrating that the SAM, or the manipulator who wants to Top from the Bottom or set a scene to her liking. True submission is the giving of one’s will, trust, and love to another, period. I ask for nothing less than complete surrender of will. In the grand scheme of things, it is not the submissive’s pleasure or desires she must think of, but mine. Regardless of what she would like, my wants must come first, and she must not only accept that, but take her pleasure from it as well. Disobedience, as a form of play, is not only acceptable but also necessary; disobedience to test my patience on the other hand is unacceptable and reason to discontinue the relationship.
On the other hand, the submissive ‘doormat’ is even less desirable than the demanding one. There are few Dominants who wish to own an animated ‘blow-up doll’ who has no mind of her own. Submission does not mean stupid.
HONESTY
A submissive must be honest with her master, or the relationship will soon sour for both. This honesty must begin from the very first meeting, and continue without break throughout the relationship. While honesty is important in a vanilla relationship, it is vital in D/s, it only because we are constantly testing our boundaries, pushing our limits, and testing ourselves. Many submissives will claim to have ‘no limits’ thinking it will make them more attractive to Dominants, and open more avenues for exploration for them. On the contrary, it is being dishonest in a manner that can easily hurt one or both of you in very real ways. Do you really want him to subject you to torture in an electric cage? Smear your body with feces and make you clean yourself with your own tongue? Dismember you? Mutilate you? Even kill you? The answers are up to you, but if any of those things, or others, bother you in any way, SET LIMITS! This will not make you less attractive; on the contrary, I find ‘no limits’ girls very unattractive and too needy for me. It will also tend to make those Dominants who like the things you don’t avoid you, thereby saving embarrassment and needless trauma to you both.
Honesty goes much farther than this, of course. There is never a wrong time to ask questions, to let your Dominant know that you are uncomfortable, or that, with his permission, you would like to try something new. Assume nothing, since everyone, including Dominants, are different in their likes and dislikes you should be willing to ask what he likes, which poses and animations he likes, even how he likes his coffee in the morning. Honest questions about these things will not make you appear ignorant; on the contrary, they will show him the depth of your submission to him.
ACCEPTANCE
It is truly amazing how many submissives, good ones otherwise, are unable to truly accept the complete surrender of will that is required by a Dominant. Once all negotiations are over and the submissive has chosen to give herself to him, she must, from that moment on be willing to accept any and all desires and commands he may impose on her. Acceptance goes beyond her desire to please or her submission; acceptance is just that, the acceptance, whole-heartedly of his will over hers. True acceptance of his will must be her only source of pleasure and fulfillment, without reservation or limitation beyond those already agreed to before she submitted to him.
INTELLIGENCE
As has been said, submission does not mean stupid. Barbie dolls are fun to play with, and doormats are useful for keeping one’s feet clean, but a submissive has not relinquished her mind along with her will. Intelligent conversation and an imaginative sense of humor will make up for many other shortcomings, while a lack of them will only emphasize all other faults. There are few things worse than a Dominant asking a submissive a question only to have the answer always is the same: “As You wish Master.” It is the job of the Dominant to take the lead and make decisions, but there are times when he wants to know his submissive’s opinion. There may even be times he wants to indulge her for the simple joy of doing so. Few things are more frustrating than to have the same answer to every question, particularly when that answer is important to him. Think for yourself, even when submitting to his will, and you will please him far more than you know.
COMPATIBILITY
The varieties of people in the D/s lifestyle are even more varied than those in the vanilla world. It is impossible to list all of the various types of kinks and variations, but if you have been among them for very long, you will know this is true. For that reason, compatibility between a Dominant and submissive is incredibly important. If the Dominant enjoys certain activities the submissive does not, he will either order her to do them, causing her discomfort, or will indulge her and abstain from them, creating a potential source of resentment toward her. If the submissive likes something the Dominant does not, she will either be forced to do without it, or know that she is the source of his discomfort at this time. Even the ability and enjoyment of conversation can be a problem if one likes it and the other does not. Spending time with a potential D/s partner, both in sexual situations and outside of them prior to committing is the best way to know if you may be truly compatible in a relationship, or if you should just be friends and playmates.
SELF-RESPECT
Humiliation, both public and private, can be a source of pleasure for many submissives, and their Dominants as well. This does not mean that the submissive should truly consider herself to be of no value, worthless, or simply a toy for her Dominant to use and abuse. Self-respect, the knowledge that you are your Dominant’s most prized possession, his greatest joy, and the thing he chooses above all else, are the things you must remember about yourself. No matter how you are treated in rp, remember that you are a person, a valuable human being whose needs and hopes are not only valid but are important. If your Dominant does not remember this, don’t be afraid to give him the address of a good pet store and look elsewhere for someone who understands this.
SELF-KNOWLEDGE
Know thyself is more than just a proverb, in D/s it is a must. Knowing what you like, dislike, are willing to try, and what you will not tolerate will make you not only a safer submissive, but a happier one as well. Do a little soul searching on occasion, ask yourself what you are getting out of your relationship RIGHT NOW, and what you need from it. Are you happy RIGHT NOW, or do you hope for a better future? You need to know these things or you will be unable to communicate them to your Dominant. Knowing yourself will also let you grow and evolve, because your limits may change, and your needs can change as well. You are not exactly the person you were just a year ago, because the experiences you have had have changed you in subtle ways, and the person you will be a year from now will be slightly different for the same reason. If you are not aware of these changes you will not be the completely happy and fulfilled person you should be. Think about your Dominant and get to know him, but think about yourself as well.
COMMUNICATION
A good Dominant can read the subtle clues given by his submissive most of the time, and will do so, however, Dominants are not psychics, cannot read minds, and are not born with an innate ability to know everything about a submissive. This may be upsetting for some submissives to learn, but it is a harsh fact that Dominants are only human and need to have our submissives tell us things. It can be frustrating to constantly have to experiment to learn what a submissive likes or dislikes, and guessing such things often lead to failures and misunderstandings. I very much enjoy having a submissive tell me her fantasies, not only for future reference, but because the simple act of telling her fantasies often causes a submissive to become incredibly turned on, particularly when the fantasy is something she considers ‘forbidden’. But the communication should cover more than just sexual situations as well; so you like the leash? Is going out in a vanilla area collared and leashed something you like? Do you want to sit at home and just serve him, or would you like to explore the world? Communicate you likes and dislikes. A good Dominant will always consider the likes of the submissive, even though on occasion he chooses to be selfish and ignore them. But he will not know if you do not tell.
CONSISTANCY
Few things are more frustrating than to have a submissive be meek and docile one day, a SAM the next, and a pain slut another time, all without warning or context. Be yourself with your Dominant, don’t try to anticipate too much or you will over think and make unnecessary mistakes. He chose you based on what he thinks your personality, quirks, and needs are. Stay with those and you will not go wrong. Keep changing and you will only confuse and irritate him. If you have a certain thing you do to let him know you want a spanking, do it every time, don’t try something else without letting him know first. If your relationship to him is as a pet, don’t try to be his pain slut unless he is aware of your change in behavior first. Remember, HE is the Dominant and can be irrational, inconsistent, and capricious. You are the submissive; it is your job to be what he expects you to be every time, all of the time.
IMAGINATION
Some Dominants carefully script every scene, while others ‘wing’ it as they go. Regardless of how they like to have a scene set up, it is vital for the submissive to respond appropriately and that takes imagination. Much of what takes place is not part of a pose or animation, and so it is left up to the imagination to fill in the blanks. But even more than that, to simply type grunts and moans is not only unimaginative, it is a great way to kill a mood. Learn to emote your feelings and actions, put a picture in your Dominant’s mind that will last longer than for that one scene. If you do not feel your emoting skills are very good or could be improved, as him for instructions. If he is unable to help enough, find someone who is good at it and willing to teach. There are several OOC Gor locations, and there is no doubt that the kajirae are trained in emoting to the highest degree.
Also, find new places your Dominant might like to go to. Don’t necessarily explore it first, you can do that with him and it will be much more fun, but finding someplace a little different may be just the thing to put a spark in an otherwise dull day. Even a new pose or animation, imaginatively presented could be fun.
PATIENCE
Patience is one of the most important qualities a submissive can possess. Dominants are often cranky, demanding, selfish, angry, or in any of a dozen other less than stellar moods, and a submissive must remain steady and patient through it all, never complaining or reacting in any but the most compliant of manners. It is true that a submissive will have bad days when she wants to behave badly, but that must never happen. Even on your worst day, when you feel you are unable to tolerate even the slightest irritation, you must continue to smile and serve your Dominant with your entire being, knowing that it is his pleasure that is your most prized goal. You must always be happy for him, tending patiently to his needs, accepting his anger with joy. Anything else is less than you are worth, both to yourself and to him. He will reward your patience eventually, and you will know you have given him a gift beyond value.
SERVICE
If you can fulfill at least the majority of the above characteristics, this one should be almost automatic for you. Service to him includes learning what makes your Dominant happy and doing your best to provide it. Never making your Dominant remind you of his preferences, not having to make him wait longer than is absolutely necessary, being observant to his wants and needs, studying his habits, these are all things that make your submission to him special. To submit is not always to serve, but to serve you must submit, this is an old maxim, and one that will always be true. Serve him without thought of your own desires, and you have given him a gift beyond all measure.
