I think a lot.

I spend a lot of my time during the day doing that and, during this week, I have done so more than usual.

My Husband/Dom...etc etc...so forth and so forth... decided to release me and end our relationship 7/17/2016 which we started a long time ago - April of 2005. My handle up there...goddess2Knight...will stay for awhile as I make changes in my life. 

I can't say that I'm absolutely surprised by me and my Dominant/Husband/ Master separating. Thinking about all the "shouldas, couldas, wouldas" in the world is not going to help. I have made mistakes and he has as well which means we're both very human. It still doesn't stop the tears when you first hear it. But, the tears do stop eventually and there comes that point where you have one of two choices.

1.) You can totally just give up and let the dark thoughts enter your mind. Surrendering.

2.) Vow to move on from that and find out what lessons were learned.

With this set of circumstances, I have decided - rather firmly - to go with the second option. I am definitely not going to bad mouth, trash, or do anything of the kind towards him. I have learned a lot of what I do want out of love and what I don't want. First thing I want to do is to go inside myself but not to wallow in self pity of how many mistakes I have made. It truly does no good but I own those mistakes. They are mine.

And I have made many.

Rather, learn from those things and do something I should have done years - decades ago.

And that's work on becoming comfortable with who I am as well as loving myself. I've actually acquired a tangible journal where I'm writing with an actual pen about what my goals are and what I want.

At this time, it's not to serve a Master.

Which leads me to this train of thought and I've come to it after a great deal of reflection from a reasonable viewpoint and my past experiences. You might agree or disagree with it. You're free to do that. This is not a sort of article or journal entry of how anyone else should live their lives or how they should think.

It's simply where my line of thought is going and what I believe is best for myself.

Take it or leave it as you will.

I feel as though, when I started down this road of exploring the BDSM lifestyle and everything that goes with it back in 1999, that a "Master" or "Dom"  was someone I could look up to and would be proud to spend my life with and cherish that. I have this thing, you see, where I don't just throw around words of endearment or love for the sake of it and I do have a tendency of falling hard. I tend to look over someone's faults and accept that they're a human.

I don't think or believe that any of us are perfect.

But see, what I want is unconditional love. And what I mean by that is someone that can love me at my worst as well as my best.

At my best, I'm absolutely happy with cooking, cleaning, and doing my best to show pride in my house and my work. I have that capability to be the best I possibly can be and I do smile - contrary to popular belief. I just have to have some sort of reason to smile.

At my worst, I can become extremely reclusive. Allowing my thoughts to overcome me to the point where I just cut off practically everyone at no fault of their own. I can be neglectful of responsibilities and things I ought to do to take care of myself.

^That right there? The worst bit? That's what I'm going to fight at this time with every fiber of my being.

So, I'm not without faults and the ideal partner for me is someone that can see that and love me anyway. And I don't mean a superficial love or the 'love' of the idea of what things could be like or the idea of having power over someone because they're kneeling in front of you.

No, no. Not that kind of love.

I'm talking about the part of your heart where you truly care, love someone so deeply it courses through your veins like fire. When everything in life sucks but you can look at your partner and think to yourself, "Holy Shit. I would do anything for this person."

Spending real time with someone. Not fancy dinners and that kind of crap.

I mean, the stuff that matters. The part of your day where you come home and sit on the floor tangled up together and talking about why you think the Pyramids were really built. Or how our culture has progressed from long ago with simple tools and how they gradually changed over time. Or what you think Jaime Lannister's going to do about Cersei going all Queen in Game of Thrones.

Really getting to know someone and what makes them tick. 

But also giving each other space when they need it to do their own thing and hang out with their own friends.

And after all that, you notice something is off about them and trying to help them through in it in a constructive, healthy way. Never being cruel because they need that help and you KNOW that ignoring them - thinking it'll all just go away - is just not going to be helpful in the least.

I've got an example. In the show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", there's a scene where Willow goes absolutely mad with grief and she just spirals down a path of destruction and utter chaos. However, Xander comes to her and realizes how strong she is with her magic but he still loves her. Stands up to her anyway and holds her through all of that. He says that he loves happy Willow, crayon breaking Willow.

See what I mean? Unconditionally loving her and seeing her through the darkness.

Through the pain that she's feeling and the rage coursing through her body, he doesn't give up on her no matter how hard it is to stand there and see her fall. They weren't romantic lovers but I want whatever relationship I may have in the future to be based on that.

That is the sort of thing I want and, in return, I would go through hell for the person I truly loved. I've done it before and will continue to go to bat for those I love. Friend or family.  Loving someone even when they're hurting you or themselves and never giving up on them. It's a total idea based on teamwork - a partnership. Being there for each other in a mutual way.

Now, I'm not saying there aren't good men out there. I'm sure there are quite a few that hold on to that sort of love with all they have. Some don't and leave when things get to that point where things aren't going that well. I realize women are just as capable of doing that and have done it, too. Humans are capable of so many things in general - good, bad, and everything in between.

With all of that said, what I aspire to do now is something a bit different than previous years.

I am wanting and needing to love myself in that unconditional way that I was talking about. Through the mistakes I've made and the not so good choices, be able to see that I am still lovable down deep to myself. Building that solid foundation from inside so it can radiate outwards in a healthy way.

You see, sometimes in this life, all we have or are given is bad choices but we still have to choose. And I've been given many options, opinions, and feedback on what I should do now that I am free.

So, I am holding on to hope that things are going to work out for the best as I begin this phase of my life and make my choice.

Choosing to put myself on a proper schedule and doing what needs to be done. When I move back to my hometown in the very near future, I won't be coming back the same girl I was at 23 with those rose-tinted glasses on. I will continue try and strive to see the good in people and all that but life isn't going to tell you who the good guys or bad guys are - it doesn't work that way.

At the end of the day, I still have hope and I'm not giving up.

I'm 34 now and way back in 1999, I was 17 and I've spent 17 years living in this lifestyle mindset. Switching gears and, if I make it another 17, I am quite curious where this road leads me.

If being a submissive to another man is in my future, then it happens. However, I want it done and built from a solid foundation of trust and communication and I'm in no rush at this stage to even explore that area with another person.

So, to wrap this all up. I wish all of you well and blessings on wherever you are in your life's journey.

Take care and be kind to one another.

Much love,

~haze