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True Frustration
Being somewhere you are required to be instead of the place of which your soul needs to be. |
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Current state of mind
i have been reminiscing on the choices i made and realizing i have allowed my fears and ego to stand in the way of pursuing my slavish needs. Once again i am in chastity 24/7, trying to feed my need for
subjugation. The feeling of servility deepens with each passing day. Thoughts of absolute surrender fill my mind. my frustrations have me in a deep state of desperation and i am unclear on why this time chastity has affected me so deeply. As i look around, i find myself alone, void of any intimate contact. This was not my intention, but it is a product of my choices.
i am trying to accept the predicament i have put myself into. As my servility deepens, i sense i am to be a slave to all, no exceptions. It is difficult to maintain a position of authority when my demeanor is becoming extremely subservient. my chastity journey started as a curiosity. Then it became a way to fulfill my need for
subjugation. Now it is my life. i am my own keyholder, yet i can’t unlock myself. It would be easy to do, but my psyche doesn’t allow it. It is like, i don’t have permission, but from who?
Dreams are a powerful influence. my sleep has been restless, filled with dreams of my inadequacies
and subjugation. The individual in my dream is familiar, the voice i recognize, but where? They
know what to say and do to
intensify my feeling of humbleness. They receive pleasure in watching me slowly slip closer to absolute subjugation. Dreams of subjugation continue to fill my sleep, everyday i wake up in a more slavish state.
This has become a cruel spiral of emotions. The more i attempt to feed my need for subjugation, the more my slavish desires intensify, which in turn creates a stronger need for subjugation. |
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Reflecting
i sit here in chastity, reminiscing on my past, contemplating the decisions i have made, rationalizing some and regretting others. It is the ones i regret which pierce deep into the soul, humbling the spirit, causing conflict within, creating a helplessness that overwhelms me into a deepening slavishness.
Recollections of disobedience consume my mind, no relief, no escape, an affirmation that i am not perfect.
Is it possible for me to make reparation?
Are there limits or do i kneel quietly and endure whatever is given to me for my disobedience?
geo |
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Chastity - Week 95
Today is day 666 of my chastity journey, the 41st day of being locked constantly 24/7. The openness design of this cage allows me to be squeaky clean without removing it. i didn't think the 24/7 constant locking would be so humbling.
Chastity is not always a punishment Chastity can be a sign of adoration Chastity is not always an acknowledgement of inferiority Chastity can be a sign of strength and dedication
As the waves of submissiveness wash over me The longing to serve deepens to serve deepens
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Servitude requires a relationship
How does anyone expect servitude from another without having a realtionship for the foundation of the dynamic? |
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LongTerm Chastity
The waves of denial come and go. There are days when i forget that i am locked up, then a wave of reality hits and the feeling of helplessness and inferiority pound on my psyche. The need to be teased, aroused and denied as others enjoy their sexual freedoms intensifies.. i started this journey out of curiosity and now i am overwhelmed with the need to be locked. i have gone back to my original device. It is open and i can keep myself clean without removing it. i am wondering if i should forgo any shaving, thus eliminating any reason for the occasional unlocking. Thoughts of making this permanent and irreversible have entered my mind. It would be easy enough to do: Hex button Stainless Steel screw, a tap, Locktite 266.
(Don't forget to round out the Hex hole with a f=drill bit after it is tightly in place, to render the Hex key useless.)
.Yes, the thought has crossed my mind..........a few times.. |
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Looks like the Journals are back up and available!! |
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Over the last few years i have entertained the idea of getting a PA. The time has come to surrender to the desire and fall under the needle. |
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Broken Truths or Misleading Lies? |
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Seriously, some of you here are really into yourself and believe "It's all about you and nothing for the other". You want to be woo'd and chased, yet you do not give the pursuer the time of day. Then gripe because you can't find a suitable partner.
Good luck with your fantasy life !! |
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A slave's plight
The ache for a power exchange growing The need for helplessness imperative The waves of submission changing to slavish desires Limits slowly becoming distorted, some fade away The feelings vulnerability and anxiousness flourishing i am slowly slipping into a deeper state of slavishness With no relief in sight |
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Progression
Surrender and servitude are deep seated needs within a submissive submission with trust and devotion will bring about absolute slavery Absolute slavery is the destiny of the true submissive |
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Disappointment:
It appears there are just a FEW real or serious people on CollarSpace anymore; i get bombarded with spam messages about servitude, "Make the check payable to". OR i read profiles of Dominants looking for a submissive/slave, that in reality, cannot exist. They will carry on lengthy conversations with submissives/slaves, "dangling the carrot" only to just disappear and start a new profile to start the process over.
It seems gone are the days where a Dominant needs a service performed and a submissive/slave offers themselves for service.
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Alpha when appropriate, slave at heart. |
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Self-Worth:
A slave is told that their self-worth is given to them by their Owner. That they are nothing alone, they must be owned or be nothing. This has been used to motivate the slave to do well, increasing their value. The truth is that the slave’s self-worth comes from within. Even without Ownership, the slave is a valuable possession. |
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There's a difference between being a dominant or being a narcissistic person. If you don't know the difference, look it up. And if you're offended by this, you must be the latter. |
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Reading some of these profiles, so unrealistic. It appears their demands are focused around a fantasy that hasn't any chance of becoming a reality.
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Trust overcomes any hesitance on the journey to submission
Adoration drives the submissive to serve unconditionally
Unconditional service becomes slavery
slavery is the destiny of the submissive |
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Dominant/slave 101; Respect is a 2-way street, demanding compliance without any previous communications will be ignored. There is an introductory period that both parties should sit down respectfully and share interests, getting to know each other as individuals and determine whether there is a strong basis to begin the D/s relationship. There is a negotiation process between the prospective Owner and the slave; the more the compatibility, the less that needs to be negotiated. Then finally the commitment, the Owner takes possession of the slave and the slave's only focus becomes service to the Owner. |
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Alone:
A person can be surrounded by many people and still be alone. A slave can be busy with life and still be aching to serve A slave can fill the time with numerous tasks and still not suppress the pain It is not the task that fulfills the slave, it is who they serve that can suppress the suffering A slave is only complete when they are in service to the One that controls their suffering |
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My Battle Within:
As the darkness waves over me as i feel myself slipping deeper into the rabbit hole of submission Thoughts of slavery strengthens and begin to push away any rational thinking Feeling the realization of my destiny as my freedoms need to be slowly, methodically taken away Hearing the evilness of the words in my head, i am powerless to suppress them i am fearful to discover what i am to become, yet i am helpless in altering my path |
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Waves of obsequiousness;
The feeling my obsequiousness is intensifying
It is futile in trying to suppress the escalation
All submissive traits are giving way to servility
Feeling helpless as the transition progresses
Any expostulatory words are overpowered within
Quietly i feel myself losing self-control |
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i wonder if i am in the game or just watching from the sidelines So frustrating, yet humbling Kneeling quietly in the corner Waiting
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A slave’s journey
Waves of enslavement begin to form once again
Growing in intensity and frequency
i slowly feel the calmness diminishing
Knowing i will be consumed, i try to prepare
The necessitating ache to surrender increases
my vulnerability deepens
my ability to envisage clouds
Thoughts of ultimate servility fill my mind
She reveals Her desires
She tantalizes my cravings
She magnifies my helplessness
i am at Her mercy |
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Ardous
The aching intensifies daily. Her words pierce my core and chasten my soul. She has exposed my essence, i am vulnerable. The inability to refuse is enthralling. The urgency to serve overpowering. i suffer in silence |
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Any Dominant can perform physical bondage, it is the few who have mastered the art of psychological bondage that truly own the submissive/slave. |
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The Hole
The thirst for subjugation is intensifying.
The struggle between obligations and desires is rekindling.
Hard limitations are questioned and discharged.
Thoughts of unconditional obedience are overwhelming.
The light of freedom disappears as i fall deeper into the hole.
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So close and yet so far, You are a Goddess !!!
The hunger to be on my knees before You intensifies.
The ache to offer my surrender is becoming overwhelming.
The fear i am not worthy of Your attentions fills my mind.
The insecurity of my worthiness creates a helplessness to serve You.
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A slave's behaviorism
Acquiescence ~ a slave's response
Conformity ~ a slave's only privilege
Servitude ~ a slave's focus
Assimilation ~ a slave's goal
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Absolute Dominant Control
Uncompromising Trust
Uncertain Surrender
Unconditional Submission
Unyielding Service
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Submission
Awareness that your destiny is to serve
Accepting yourself as a submissive
Acknowledging that your journey has begun
Affirming your need to relinquish
Absolute surrender |
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Being a slave
Being a slave is not a choice
Being a slave is a destiny.
Being a slave is not a learned trait.
Being a slave is a predisposition.
Being a slave cannot be shut off.
Being a slave is a core passion.
Being a slave is not dispassionate.
Being a slave is absolute adoration for the Owner |
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Surrender
The darkness continues to grow
The thirst for slavery intensifies
To be helplessly kept deepening
Thoughts of non-consensual slavery
Absolute surrender the only relief
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Tattoo
Strange how something both parties agreed upon at first, becomes the responsibility of only one when they go their separate ways.
What was supposed to be my declaration of devotion and commitment is now a reminder of a failure.
Regrets i have none. Growth should never be regretted !!!!
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Inevitability
The feeling of helplessness is deepening.
Fearing the loss of control.
The shadow of enslavement slowly overtaking.
Visions of deep slavery intrude my thoughts.
Powerless to oppose the desires of another.
Knowing it is futile, i continue to resist.
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These days are so tough on me, torn between the obligations of life and the needs/desires of the heart.
Time stands still, the need increases and the ache becomes overwhelming.
Balance is needed, without it one becomes frustrated, anxious and depressed.
The quandary is still there, taunting me, haunting me.
i am continuously second guessing myself as a submissive.
Can i serve as another desires or demands? |
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The need to serve, to surrender to another has intensified and i find myself in a quandary.
Am i ready for Ownership again or should i continue to wait and just serve?
i find myself longing for the comfort of a compatible Ownership, to know that another feels i am worthy of such an honor.
Then there is the reality of my previous ownership, how the requirements, the direction changes over time that had me desperately trying conform and accept what She was desiring me to become.
The feelings of anxiousness, frustration, depression and abandonment overwhelmed me. |
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A slave/submissive is to be is completely subservient.
A slave/submissive is to be docile.
How does a slave/submissive express their adoration for the Domme without violating the aforementioned? (Without it being misconstrued as aggressive behavior)
How does a slave/submissive express a need/desire without violating the aforementioned?
When the need/desire is ignored, what is the correct protocol for the slave/submissive?
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If a submissive's worth is determined by the Owner, how does the unowned submissive know their worth? |
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