To be a masochist or not to be?
masochism /ˈmæsəˌkɪzəm, ˈmæz-/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [mas-uh-kiz-uhm, maz-] –noun 1. Psychiatry. the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation. 2. gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification. 3. the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself. 4. the tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.
The first one does not apply. I get zero sexual gratification out of pain or humiliation.
The second,third, and fourth... maybe. If the word gratification is a general statement then yes. I get a lot of mental and emotional gratification out of it. My whole purpose for recieveing pain is the torture aspect. I like suffering. I am in it to feel pain. I don't wander off into subspace. I embrace the pain and love the way it effects me. I love that very extreme pain makes me REALLY scream. When you yell for a random reason thats one thing. But, to really scream from the pit of your stomach is the most releasing act ever.
When I play I have this arrogant attitude that I can take on the whole dungeon. That no one can push me to the point of breaking or using a safe word. It's an internal battle I have. Like submittinbg even while I play has to be forced. I have this militant attitude that no one will take me down. Like getting to the point of admitting the pain is to much is a failure.
I do love the endorphine rushes you get when you play hard. The adreneline released when in terrible pain is intoxicating and leaves you highly vulnerable. I have no control of my emotions and am totally of a free will at that point. I thought I didn't want or need aftercare. But as of late I realize that I do need it. Just not right after play. The next day is really when I need it. Crashing from playing the next day is rough for me. I feel guilt and shame. I need validation at that point.
Lately, as I have been analyzing this and trying to evolve into more of a submissive, I have come to realize a lot of things. All of the last paragraphs are a LOT to try to define me and how I play. Its complicated and also not a lot of fun. I place too much thought on who and what I should be on sterotypical labels.
I am at a point where I want to stop making all of this SO hard. So complicated. Why can't I just embrace who I am and enjoy it? Why does this life for me have to be so love/hate? I want to enjoy the way I choose to live my life not use it as a tool. crutch, drug for catharsis. (thanks MK)
Keeping things simple isn't as eay at it sounds. It's quite complicated for me. I have realized that bringing more complications to the table then anything else isn't that appealing for anyone to be around. Much less deal with myself. I want to be someone that has the ability to devote themselves to another. I can't do that when I can't let things go and keep things simple.