I have a good life. I have 2 jobs and enjoy both of them. I get by, neither of my jobs are salaried so I am careful with money. Having said that it’s a lifestyle I have chosen. It’s a strange thing, I am seeking a flr but I have total freedom currently. I cant explain it.

At times I sit outside and look around at the freedom I have and yet I know I am more constrained than I could be in a flr. This is not where I want to be. I am sinhle, through choice, because I do not want to be in a vanilla relationship. Better to be single than on the wrong relationship. I am happy. I'm not constrained in having to be present for someone in a relationship that I am not happy in, I consider myself lucky. Its not easy however, yearning for something, needing something to tip the scale from being happy to being with the right one. Life goes on and so do I, smiling, enjoying life. There is only now and its important to live life even if everything’s not in its right place. I will have patience to find her and yet at the same time look for her desperately.

Are there certain things i enjoy doing and take a personal pleasure in? Mundane daily tasks or chores? Are there things that I wouldn’t even consider but nevertheless wouldn’t be willing to accept in a non flr? An example, cleaning. I would take pride in cleaning her kitchen, her bathroom, her shoes, her clothes, making her bed, washing the windows, ironing, garden work, however in a non flr id assume the chores to be divided, even unequally, but divided in some way.

Maybe the cleaning of the bathroom wouldn’t be to her standard but I would strive to learn to do it beyond her standard. Maybe my cooking skills wouldn’t be to her taste but I’d buy a book and learn to cook how she likes. I do things not only for her but also for me. I need to please her because my pleasure would come from that. Would I be down on my knees scrubbing her toilet whilst she was watching tv and ask myself why? If I were to ask myself why it wouldn’t be because I didn’t want to be there, it would be because I would want to identify with my feelings more in order that I am consciously present, doing a task for her because she wants me to, she would be at the forefront of my actions and the thought of her would drive me to finish the task to her pleasing. Would I expect praise? No, the only thing I would expect is from me.

What about pretending not to like something in the hope that she would do it? Physical pain for example. I don’t enjoy pain but I enjoy her pleasure. The pleasure she may get from hurting me physically would only be visible physically, that I can withstand, for her pleasure. Mental pain, humiliation? In front of others? A dark closet without doubt. However I know the humiliation is by no means shame. The shame would not being able to take the humiliation. Between the two of us there would be honor, honor to the unbalanced equilibrium in the relationship. I don’t want to change her, that is my honor. I want her to be who she is and discover more about herself than she has ever done before.

In many places on the web there is talk about limits. In nearly everything I have read it always talks about the submissive’s limits. I am ion no doubt that I have limits, but I am also in no doubt that those limits will be expanded. I hope the same for her. I hope she can see that she also has limits and will push her own limits.

In control out of sight?

Will I do something I don’t like if I am told to do so when she isn’t present?

This really is a deep meaningful question that cuts right to the heart of control. It is so important for me that she has control and if I were not to do something that i was told to do when she was not present then I would be living a lie. I don’t want to live a lie.

I need for her to have control over me so as that she has the full knowledge of her living her life the way she wants and needs to. This in turn reflects on my own attitude, behavior and conduct.

Will I become a different person? Yes. An example. Maybe there is some food I don’t like, that by eating it I am then physically sick and vomit. Is this something I enjoy? Absolutely not. But in time through her control I would be able to eat the food and not be sick, Is this something that I would do by myself? No. however it is something I would do under her control. What does it demonstrate?

To me it demonstrates to her that I am where I want to be. That even though I am doing something I don’t like I do it nevertheless, because she has toid me to. Through her control my instincts are being influenced and I am learning to recognize that the balance in our flr is measured and evaluated by her. I am striving to be someone that she can control and am willing to do so because I need the relationship more than I need to have control within it. If I were not to do as I was told when out of sight, then the relationship I was in would be false to me, and even more so I would be damaging myself by lying to her, I cannot lie to her.

I need her to know and feel that she has complete control, if she doesn’t then I am not where I need to be.

Am i a caring person?

Most people would identify this question with caring for others. And the easy answer to the easy question is yes I am. I ask this question not in relation to caring for other people but caring for myself. And the answer is again yes. What about my partner, the one I am describing within the fl relationship, do I view her as a caring person? After all how can someone be said to be caring if they control their partner, if they inflict pain on their partner, if they disregard them, if they dominate them? This question can’t be answered by an observer, by another person outside the relationship.

I seek her love and her acceptance.  I've never believed in the traditional meaning of loving, or being in love. It’s a term throw around without meaning or substance. However in a fl relationship I do believe in love. Love is part sacrifice, love is acceptance without a need for understanding, love is an internal need of the other person, the other person who makes things just right. Just like I observe her she observes me. Just like I constantly think about her I can believe she thinks about me. Because we have understood who and how the other person is there is no need for secrets. She cares.

I see her as giving herself totally to me. That in her private life she can be totally who she is and that she has decided to show me who that person, who she really is. That she has the courage to share that with another person knowing that I accept her and love her true self. I care that she can be who she is. I care that I am the one who can give her the strength to make me part of our true lives and demonstrate our inner feelings without guilt or regret. I care that she may make a mistake but I also know that she wont hide it and she too is striving to be the best person she can be in our relationship. I care that she is growing and that she communicates to me, I care that she may decide not to communicate with me. Every little thing about her I care for.  I want to know what I can do for her. I don’t pretend because I am in a fl relationship that I am not important, she gives my life meaning and I need to be present to give her life meaning. Do our lives have meaning without each other? Yes of course they do?

However life has more meaning and direction if we are in each others lives.

We live our lives by a set of unwritten rules, we go to school, we are expected to pass exams, we go to university and again are expected to pass exams. Then we look for a job, do well, earn money, pay taxes, look for promotion, buy a house, pay a mortgage, get married and have children and the circle starts over again. I'm convinced that people do this In a robotic way and am sure that there are many times in their lives they observe, probably in desperation, how meaningless they have become in the circle of unwritten rules that they accept and live by but never have any free choice to abide by them.

Is all of this ok? Can we do anything to change it? Society sets up these rules and people abide by them, that’s what a civilized society is, and its good to live in a civilized society. However, in our private lives we should be the ones setting up the rules and living our personal private lives by the standards we expect from ourselves. If I am in a relationship and its accepted that I do wrong and can get a beaten because of that wrong, then there is no harm bestowed on anyone. If I am in a relationship and the person I am with decides to beat me just because she feels like it, again, no one gets hurt by that, except maybe me, but because I see myself as core in my chosen relationship and accept that I am half of an unbalanced relationship and have made a conscious decision to fulfil my own needs through being considered a possession to another person, then that is my choice and my freedom even.

In many ways i am less important than her in the relationship. In many ways I am definitely as important as her in the relationship. What is sure is that I cannot be myself without her in the realms of a relationship and nor can she without me. Do i consider myself less than her? She is my everything.

Yes I feel more free being restricted and controlled then I do being given a free leash. A paradox? Maybe, but a paradox of my life choices, a paradox that gives me untold happiness (even with tears in my eyes as I receive her pain, even with screams of pain as she smiles with her pleasure). Do I do this because I like pain? No, im not a lover of pain, what I am is someone who is a lover of a woman who has strength that she can see who I am for her, and the more she can take control the more chance I have of delivering her happiness.

I don’t know why I identify with these feelings. I don’t know why sexually it is a turn on for me. I don’t know if my brain is wired differently. I don’t know so many things, and yes at times I question them. I do know that this woman, this strength, who by putting her thoughts and actions before mine, and physically and mentally demonstrating such, is a woman who I totally adore. I see myself before her, she allows me to identify myself and be myself, and all this accomplished through being who we are. Does it take energy and strength? Yes of course it does. Is it something that comes naturally? It is a part of us so deep and meaningful that without it we are pretending to be something/somebody else, and that is, even though totally wrong,  a lot easier to do. We chose the right thing to do, to be, in the confines of our private lives and that makes us happier in our lives within a society created by the majority.

How much can i think for myself? Totally. If I’m wrong there may be consequences and I have to take into account if its something I am allowed to do or not. For sure, through time, I will learn, be molded into how I really am. At this moment I have my ideas but I know that these are just rough outlines, that with her guidance, instructions and needs I will become better and better for her. I want to be in a position that she needs who I am as much as I need who she is, that through our opposite needs we can supply to the other. Many from the outside would be able to identify and label what I give her, obedience, dedication, service, attentive to details,  but may be they would have trouble identifying what she gives me…..she gives me so much more than I could ever give her but I will be for her, and thank her on a daily basis in order to receive her approval, how do I get her support, what do I get from her? I get her attention, I get her involvement, I get her instructions, I get to learn how to be for her, I get time with her, I connect to her, she is training me to be how she wants me to be, I am constantly learning, even when she negates my existence I feel as though I belong to her, she is constantly in my mind at the forefront, I get her love and I love her love.

A simple question….could I take the initiative of holding her hand if we were walking in the street? I don’t know. Would I take that initiative? I don’t know, but probably yes, even with the full knowledge that it could be the wrong thing to do I would probably still do it, and then find out the consequences, leasrning quickly if its something that I could do again in the future. Am I tempting fate by taking such an initiative? Maybe. However I don’t do such a thing with the hope of receiving a punishment, or a reward, I do it through an instinct and accept that my instinct may need curtailing, refined and / or restricted.

I know I need to learn about her, I want to learn about her, I need to learn about her.

Who am I and what am I looking for?

I am looking for something that is “just right”. Im not looking for perfection but hope to take daily steps to get closer to it, and realize at the same time that I will never achieve it. Not because the goal posts are constantly moving, or because its not attainable, but because if I truly believe that I can be perfect then I will never be really happy. I need to strive, I need to prove, I need to keep on going, I need to be happy, I need to be touching just right but never taking it fully, I am not perfect, but maybe I can be in a perfect relationship. That takes two people, I can be who I am and she can be who she is, and maybe we can start heading towards being just right in a perfect relationship, that is attainable.

Im not looking for play being just right and the relationship being vanilla, the relationship has to be just right. I am submissive towards her both in and out of play or lets call it sex because that’s what I mean. Is this something I need? Yes. I know im happier when being led, this doesn’t mean resigning myself to be controlled, I don’t resign myself to this, I give myself over to this, willingly and obediently. Its not because I want to witness her power and authority, although tat is definitely a part of it, but its because I know if I am with someone who can truly take this position in our relationship I will have met my more than just right, even if she isn’t perfect.

Im not looking for someone who plays at this, but someone who is happier when she can be herself and this is how she really is. She cant be just playing, she has to be natural without worrying about my feelings because if I was to witness her not being natural, both in kindness and cruelness, then the relationship would be far from just right. I write cruelness, separated only by one small word, placed next to kindness, they are so far from one another and yet they are so close. Its cruel to be kind and its kind to be cruel.

I don’t seek something for being submissive, except to be in a relationship with her, she is my reward, whether being cruel or kind, the only really important this is that she is herself and that lets me be myself. Will I arrive to you just right? No. But you will see me, you will look into my eyes and you will see that I want this relationship, I need it, just as much as you do. I wasn’t molded into this persona, I was born into it.

I don’t seek to be the doormat in the relationship, please note that. I cant have a feeling of being useless and worthless, that’s not what I seek. I want to contribute thoughts and ideas, be able to express my emotions, that doesn’t mean I get to say what I want when I want, by no means. It may be that you decide I can have a time to express to you openly always in a totally respectful manner, in my natural sub nature, those ideas, thoughts and emotions. It could be a set time period, or a time when you decide without me even knowing when, I accept that is totally under your control when you’re ready to hear me. I am an individual, I always will be, but I am in a relationship and I want that relationship to be equally important to who I am. In many ways I idenyify myself through her and the relationship with her, but I am also an individual. I need to have the capability to think and do things for myself, I cant be a burden to her.

I need to show you my individuality, im sure that is also under your control, to an extent, but I don’t want you to get my submission through fear, I want to give it you willingly because that’s who I am. Of course at times I may fear you, but I want to fear losing you, that I cannot stop, if we are just right and getting righter, I will be where I want to be which is so much about you being where you want to be.

I seek pleasure (both in and out of a sexual undertone). I want to be with a woman who can get her happiness from me as her partner by me being totally myself, for her I would ……words fail me….do everything? Give myself to her.

What do I get from such a flr? I get my basic need met. I'm not looking for downtime and playtime, I am looking to live the way I decide and fully accept and the only way that this would ever work is if she felt the same. I don’t want her to have her idea of her relationship and I mine, we need to have the same idea and build. Giving and getting? Its not the same as taking and receiving. By giving my all is the only way I will get something. I want to have some influence on my own future and this is by giving my all to a flr. Is love involved? Absolutely!!!

Theres an old proverb, i don’t remember the exact words, but the juice of the proverb is to never go back to the same place again because it wont be as you once remembered it.

There is a an inconsistency though in that proverb. Sometimes its good to go back to a place once visited because we do see it with different eyes, we change, as do places, and we see these places with new eyes and see the same and different things. Our life experiences and maturity in different moments of our lives give us the ability to judge for ourselves and not give too much thought to proverbs.

This can be both true for places, people and experiences. The same experience can be different depending on what's happened and what's happening in our lives. Many times the experience can be comforting just because we know what to expect, and yet at the same time the unexpected can be welcomed.

Its always important to be honest not only to others but to yourself too. We tend to make comparisons and this in itself is being dishonest to oneself. Everything should be looked at with new experiences and new wonderment. That's what keeps life fantastic and a wonder unto itself.

Every day, every place, every person, every experience is unique, if we allow it to be.

Its all under our own control, even mine, even as a submissive in a flr. I can look at her with fascination, wonder what she is thinking, wonder how come she is so beautiful but i will never really know. I won’t know why but i will know that she is a wonder, always to me. That’s the person i know who is for me.

And with that knowledge i will always be true, honest, loving, caring, thoughtful, over whelmed, in love, in awe, and for that reason, i would never do anything to lose her and do everything to keep her, for as much as i am hers she will also be mine.

Are there things in a fl relationship i wouldn’t / couldn’t do? Yes.  Today there are things that i can imagine i wouldn’t be able to do, but i want to grow and so tomorrow i know yesterday doesn’t apply, i want to go forward, not to stand still and have tomorrow the same as today.

An addiction is not just a physical need, but it stems from a mental necessity. I am in withdrawal, have been in withdrawal and i crave to feel controlled, to see control, to hear control. To know that there is someone, my partner, who knows me better than i know myself, for she knows that without her control i am in a deep scary place, in withdrawal. That she knows i crave her and what she has, that i beg her to share that part of her with me, and not to let go of her control over my physical and mental need for her.

I want to please her so much that i will learn today so as that tomorrow she can see the results of her control, and be pleased. I want her to be pleased.

I can cry and scream to show my love because maybe my words alone are not proof enough.

Its not the actual scream which shows my love, or the action that delivered the scream, but the suffering of the flesh and the willingness to accept it in order to let somebody see that my love can be demonstrated in so many ways. Is it the act that shows my love, or the cry that comes from me that demonstrates my love? Neither of these and yet both, and so much more.

Can an emotion be brought down to a simple explanation in order for it to be totally understood? No. Can an emotion be demonstrated through an act, a cry, a scream, and complicate itself even more? Absolutely.

Why could I suffer at someone else’s delight on inflicting pain on me? That is not suffering. Its all about being in a relationship where there is an understanding between the two people. I don’t need to explain it to someone else, because the one person who hears that scream knows that I love her and I am not suffering, even though my physical self is, my state of mind is locked into hers and I feel her so close to me that I am almost her.

I want to jump out of my body and unite with her.

I don’t know if she is hurting when she hurts me, but I know that I am completely vulnerable to her and I trust her totally. To see that power she has within her physical self and psyche makes me want to never leave her, because leaving her would be leaving a part of me, a part of me that is at my core and identifies me to one person in the whole world who is really getting to know me, and I her.