Funny how on this new year’s day, I find myself looking backwards instead of forwards.

Last year was a year of transition for me. It was a year of letting go, and of gathering. A year of firsts, and lasts.

In 2012 I spanked, teased, instructed, bullied, plunged deeply in, took what I wanted, gave of myself, and comforted. I was turned on, turned off, shook my groove thang, spent hours and hours outdoors, spent others just sitting around, broke a toe (again), got stitches (again), bought new toys, caressed and was caressed, kissed and was kissed, and fully lived in the moment.

In 2012 I met new people, allowed myself to flow way outside of my comfort zone, toyed with a girl, reconnected with an old friend, walked away from someone, walked towards someone, made peace, laughed my head off, cried cleansing tears, felt great sorrow, and great happiness.

In 2012 I gathered data, analyzed, wrote, deleted, and wrote some more until finally I ended with Fin. Bittersweet that…

But more importantly in just 365 days, I learned more about the type of mettle I’m made of, fully embraced the ‘new’ skin I’m in, and realized just how okay I am with this life.

So on this day- the first of 2013 - I say a silent goodbye to 2012, a loud hello to this one, and wish all of you a very happy new year.

Pedaling across a bridge yesterday morning at sunrise- burst of colors reflect on water, muscles pumping, crisp air filling lungs- realizing you're alive to to laugh, cry, bitch, rejoice, bully, and soothe yet another day...priceless. Take that Sandy!!

Passing a local coffee place opened for the first time in a couple of days, I saw a guy come out, take a sip and say, 'Thank God.' I totally got it. Normalcy. We're all searching for a bit of what passes for our own normalcy right about now. Stay sane fellow New Yorkers. Stay sane...

Restless. Impatient. Bored. Itchy. A sense of stasis. All describe my mood of late perfectly.

Civility. That timeless state-of-mind that allows us all to be functioning human beings - in theory at any rate. That way of being that makes others take notice because frankly, it seems to be so very rare these days.  While I have that side of me that so enjoys stripping a sub bare- metaphorically and literally- that side that loves taking him, making him beg for more, see him sweat; there is also the intellectual side, the side that knows that if I roll my eyes in disgust, think his brain is full of mush, or that his manners are lacking and disrespectful- there is no way in hell I'll ever want to see him crawl or pant or beg. And while I am rarely on this virtual tugboat these days, it seems that when I do sign on, every waiting message is about what he wants, what he deserves, what he expects- now, now, now. There doesn't seem to be any space for- "hello, I'm so and so, here's a bit about me, etc..." No, it has become about demands, over-the-top wants, and a spewing of fantasies to a total stranger. And while we all may have, at some point, fantasized about (or even had) a random, hot, quick hook-up; get a clue, it doesn't usually work that way. An intellectual and civil tone makes one want to see what the rest of the package is all about.  Perhaps some of you subs should look up the definition of civility and incorporate into your daily lives.  It just might help you move forward. 

Pain. What is it that enraptures both inflictor, and the one who endures?

Is it that sharp crackling sound, like thunder during a humid summer storm? Is it her laughter, as she flicks her wrist? Or is it his partial gasp turned moan? Is it the coil of the strap; like hot, hungry fingers grasping. Is it her soothing touches afterwards, tongue gently tracing every burning bruise? Or perhaps, is it simply that elated glazed glance just before he floats?

What is it that ignites?

Provehito in altum...

Sum qui sum.

How fucking hard is it to read a few journal entries? I am so fed up with messages asking me for sessions, where to send tributes, or what I cost for an 'afternoon delight.' I don't want to know how much you make, what kind of car you drive (any idiot can go into debt to drive a fancy car), or even what kind of watch you wear.  I could care less about your material goods. Not impressed.  And I don't want to read what you'd like me to do to you. Get a clue! It doesn't work that way. 

For the last time, I am not a pro-'domme,' a financial 'domme,' and any other kind of money hungry 'domme.' I'm quite happy supporting myself, thank you. So don't fucking waste my time with this bullshit! This is the reason why many of us don't bother to answer when we get messages.

Esto quod es.

If one more ignorant sub sends me a message about tribute, I am going to seriously lose it! Listen up to those of you who are idiots- not every Domme is in it for money.  For some of us, this is who we really and truly are, and very much enjoy control.  And to some of my fellow "Dommes," get your fucking acts together!

Why is it so hard to find the one that fits?  It isn't about living out a dream, but finding that person that makes your temperature rise, makes you want to give and get, leaves you no option but to go deep.  That doesn't happen overnight.  That takes honesty, trust, respect, and complete commitment.  Everything else is just some kind of superficial role play. Oh well...

What is it about a subtle shift in a glance, a slow lowering of lashes, a gentle throbbing of veins on the side of a long, thick neck that tells you everything you need to know?

And then, you pounce...