Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
Who's never left home, who's never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed

She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes...

Since I posted that I would be willing to pay for regular Dom services, I’ve received some interesting emails. Overwhelmingly, Masters worldwide have advised me that it’s not even a good idea.  There were a few takers, and a couple wanted directions to the Rent-A-Master.

 I don’t know, I haven’t felt a connection with anyone in a very long time and haven’t replied to a single email yet.  Ugh, I know what I want, don’t know why im dragging my feet.

"Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing."
Abraham Lincoln

I was having the same old submissive urges again right after i got home from work tonight. Instead of sitting around moaning about it all, i decided to finally do something. So i got in my car and drove across town to my local Rent-A-Master store. I had never gone inside before, only driven by a few dozen times. So anyhow, i guess i was WAY off on what paying for a Dom costs. I had no idea it costs nearly $100 an hour! Guess ill be saving up for Christmas. They were really nice at the store, even gave me a credit app, not that id qualify, but still they were nice. Something to think about, for sure!

...sighs...When did BDSM become so complicated?

Im thinking of paying for Dom services. Seriously. As a single subbie, i still have needs. And my day to day behavior is much better when i recieve discipline on a regular basis. Im not ready to wear a collar, but i need a "pre-Dom" or "subbie training wheels."

i think having to pay for weekly training sessions would not only make me appreciate the discipline more but humiliate me enough to keep me in my place a little longer.

Id be willing to pay $20 for a half hour and $40 for an hour of serious training. I assue it goes without saying that i mean nothing sexual. No blowjobs, no sex, nothing. Just teaching me some of the submissive skills im lacking.

Any interested Doms should send me a email letting me know why i should choose them. I promise to be an eager student and to pay upfront.

Yep, i got my birthday spankings. All thanks to CM and this here journal. A local Dom read of my subbie needs and was able to help. He came over, spanked me as hard as i wanted, and then He left. It was perfect. So, i had a good birthday. Yep. Now what?

~smiles~ It's my 35th brthday!

Ive heard that if youre 35th birthday comes in like a lion, it goes out like a gyro.

i smell rainbows and butterflys on the horizon.

My momma always said, "If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is."

>>Just got asked if i was real.

Never sure how to answer that.

I think im real, but one persons real is anothers fiction.

And some fiction is realistic fiction which is basically real.

Which is how i feel,

basically real.

I have a fantasy Dom. He is always calm, cool and collected. Even when i push His buttons and test all limits. I imagine He gets a dark tone when He needs it, something much more frighting than being yelled at. And He is strict, much more strict than i'm used to, and i don't seem to like it. But im there, very, very there.

 Thats where i wanna be.

So now i know what queening is....enlightening. Still noone to give me my birthday spanking on Saturday, but im hopeful something will work out. Maybe if i click my heels together three times ill wake up in a dungon strapped to a sawhorse. Anyways, off i go down the yellow brick road...off to see the wizard, or something.

What is Queening?

Well, so far ive gotton several emails from Doms that are busy or otherwise engaged on Saturday, a few emails from Masters that are unwilling to spank without sexual gratifcation of some sort (be true to thy self, i guess.) And a couple of "maybes." One email, from a Dom much too far away, said that he would like to take the weight off  my shoulders from having to dominate myself, i liked that. Alot.

I dont do the "online bdsm" thing, not that theres anything wrong with that, it just isnt me. BUT i did bump into this endearing little site that warmed my heart.

http://linepunishment.com/ov/index.php

A naughty sub/slave can be assigned lines to type as punishment, that must be completed in a time frame determined by the Dom. If you make even one typo, you have to start over and extra lines are added.

Hi again, still me.

Three posts in one night, aye?

Yep.

But now i have a "real" bdsm problem, something serious. In less than a week (Sept. 8th)  i have the nerve to turn 35 years old. And I may be able to top myself from the bottom, (in theory if nothing else) but i cant give myself a decent spanking, not for lack of trying though, lol. 

I thought long and hard about who i could ask from the vanilla world to bend me over and administer the birthday spanking i crave, and came up with nothing.

I have a roommate, but the roomie wouldnt want to. And even if i could use guilt and liquor to get my way, it still wouldnt be the birthday spanking i crave.

A few weeks ago, my 75 year old neighbor told me he "has his eye on me"...thought about asking him to take me into his garage and "put me in my place." Thing is, MY fantasy stops after ive been tanned and sent home sobbing. Pretty sure his fantasy ends a little differently...

I need to find someone, ideally, who will drive here to my home, this Saturday afternoon with the intention of only administeritng a harsh birthday spanking for me. Not sure this is even realistic as i clearly have not met anyone yet and i probably wont invite a stranger into my home. I also dont want to promise sexual favors. I just want to have to  touch my toes, count the swats aloud, cry, beg for mercy and be denied, humiliated by repeatedly being told to assume the position while my ass turns black and blue....mmmmm....

Where was i? Right, im a suubmissive birthday slut in need. Its all i think about when im in bed, and the shower, and sometimes when im all alone on the couch late at night...

Over the last several weeks I had lots of extra time to think, and think I did. So I came up with the following behavior guide for myself, which I like. And then I took it a step further and came up with a list of privliges that I enjoy and  a list of ways that would earn restrictions on said privliges. (Turns out im rather fair! lol) And then i thought, should i really be Domming myself? Am i going to ruin myself for a future Dom that isnt as fair as me?

 Then I thought i was thinking too much, so here is the guide thingy...

                              My Submissive Behavior Standards

                              I understand that I have nobody else to blame for my behaivor but myself. I will take responsibility for my actions without blaming others or using distractions to avoid being held accountable. I will accept my consequences and learn from my mistakes.

 I will be respectful to others by treating them the way I would want to be treated. I will use proper manners and speak appropriately to others. I will respect the property, privacy and feelings of others.

I will act responsibility by doing the things that are expected of me in a consistant and timely manner. I will do things to the best of my ability and will avoid making excuses or procrastinating.

I will follow the rules of the house, or whereever else I may be, and I will do what is expected of me each day. I will avoid noncompliant behaviors such as arguing, begging,  complaining or whining.

I will be paitent, honest, courteous and fair with others.

 I will present a positive attitude instead of being negitive, pessimistic or rude.

Again, it's good to be home! Seems like i say that alot. So anyhow, I'm back! My internet service was "disruppted" while i was broke, but all bills are paid in full now. Woo hoo! I'll have more to share later!

xoxo

Ahhh, it's good to be home.

After my last ranting jouurnal entry I was sent alot of postive feedback from my fellow BDSM'ers. Thank Y/you A/all, all that love took the sting out. xoxo

Latest update; Still haven't been laid. And my puter is on it's last leg, not sure if it's a deadly virus or the harddrive finally crapping out. But my glass is still half full and i figure i'll be getting a new-to-me computer in the near future, woo hoo!

Okay, i should wrap this up for the moment...

Be back later...

I got stood up by a POF guy today. Over the last couple weeks, i had exchanged a few emails with a man from right here in Rockford, and he seemed like a really great guy. He had a job, car, place of his own, seemed down to earth, and i never mentioned my kinks or bdsm yearnings. So, i broke the rules, gave him my address and told him to bring condoms... He never showed up and never returned my text asking if he was lost. (Wish i wouldn't have sent that text, duh.) I was wearing my hottest black lace nighty, no panties, and my fav purple velvet collar, 4 inch heels and a look of shame. Have i mentioned that i haven't been laid in weeks? My guy friends act like being a woman means i could get banged all day long, but i cant. I can't even get some random pof guy to come put his dick in me, no strings attached. Again i ask, what is wrong with me?  

Listen, I don’t want to be all woe-is-me, and Debbie Downer, I felt stupid today, but that dude missed out too!  It’s the heart of summertime and im tan as hell, been rollerblading nearly everyday, got very little real stress going on, drama free, things are good. Still, I need to get fucked, long and hard. And soon.

My Ideal Person: You will control Yourself, so that You might control me. You will, as a stern Dom cause tears to flow, and as a lover, kiss them away. An unashamed romantic, You cherish Your submissive. Yet always remain aware of the difference between fantasy and reality. When there is need, You are ready to leave the roles behind to be a friend.
You are an honorable sadist who uses the pain to extend the bounds of pleasure, vigilant that no harms come of the hurt. You are the mentor and guide who takes me into flight, with wind beneath my wings and my tether to the earth. Enveloping me with Your strength, You lend me the courage to reach new heights.
I do not desire to submit, i am compelled to surrender. He who takes me by the hand, guides me, and teaches me, He who leads me to become the most that i can be, IS the one who inspires my surrender.

When the first question a Dom asks me is "What are your limits?", it makes me think there is something specific that they are looking for, but won't ask for it outright. I have the basic, safe, sane and consensual limits...No kids, no blood, no perm marks, no animals; i have a safe word, always. And i reserve the right to have new limits....But listen; You asked me a very specific bdsm question that is quite personal when You don't even know my name. Clearly, Your social skills are worse than my own, which is pretty unbelievable in itself. Anyhow, this isnt working out, but thanks for the interest. Goodbye and good luck Sir!

 XOXO

No questions.

I faught BDSM and BDSM won. I take it all back. whatever i said before. 

http://youtu.be/4o29VoxtsFk

We are experiencing some technical difficulties, please be patient.

(Al Gore warned us!!)

How am i having more luck on POF than here? BDSm is kinda my *thing* and has been for

'my entire adult sexual life. It's what i know, it's who i am, it's my love my passion that comes second only to my rollerblades. Am i loosing my BDSM touch? I still own two copies of "Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns," and i've been to Kinky Kollege and munches in Chicago...What i'm sayin, lol, i'm a "REAL" sub. But i haven't played with anyone kinky in a very long time, and i'm ashamed to admit, but i haven't had the good long, hard spanking that i crave in well over a year. And now here i am having much better luck on a vanilla website than i am here at home. Clearly global warming is to blame, damn it’s hot.

Dear readers,

 No, i did not write the poem "Master No More." Someone gave it to me a long time ago, and i like to share it whenever possible. Although, i've never seen it anywhere else, i might as well claim it as my own; i've been the sole person in possession of it for well over a decade. Fuck it. Yes, yes, i did write it. It's all about my life and serves as a cautionary tale to other subs. Enjoy!

Yeah, i just kicked You while You were down. i did it, me. Revenge isn't me, but....it doesn't matter why, i did it. No regrets. Love is a gamble, but karma isn't. FUCK YOU.

Lit

Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk?
I didn't mean to call you that.
I can't remember what was said or what you threw at me

Please tell me,Please tell me why?
My car is in the front yard
And I'm sleeping with my clothes on
I came in through the window last night
And you're gone gone

It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy,
Cuz every now and then I kick the living shit out of me
The smoke alarm is going off when there's a cigarette
Still burning

Please tell me why
My car is in the front yard
And I'm sleeping with my clothes on
I came in through the window last night
And you're gone gone

Please tell me why
My car is in the front yard
And I'm sleeping with my clothes on
I came in through the window last night

It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy
Cuz every now and then I kick the living shit out of me
Can we forget about the the things I said when I was drunk
I didn't mean to call you that

SIMPLE PLAN LYRICS

Welcome To My Life

I imagine O/our first meeting to be dinner and a trip back to Your place, or mine for short but stern lecture on what behavior You expect from me. Followed immeaditly by a harsh spanking, over my panties but under my skirt. After You're sure i understand my place, You quickly send me on my way, leaving me wanting more, craving next time.