I've been thinking about the connection between anxiety and submission and how submission can ease anxiety. I am a naturally anxious person. I get to the airport two hours early, I check that I have my keys at least twice before I leave the house, and was never brave enough to get a fake ID before I turned 21. My anxiety doesn't (usually) cause notable problems in my life, but it does make it difficult to relax. My mind goes a mile a minute, and it takes a lot to make me let go and focus on the moment.

Now, if we think about submission, and the relationship between a dom and his sub...A true dom will be able to understand his sub on a level far past a typical vanilla relationship (in my opinion). In my mind, he will know me as well as (if not better) than I know myself, and he will know what is best for me. So, if I find myself worrying, he can look me in the eyes, and tell me everything will be alright, and I will know it is so. I can pass the worries I have to him, because he will know what I'm concerned about, and have the judgment to decide what is best for me. Knowing when to push me through my nerves, or to just hold my hand. Being able to trust someone to know me in that way is the greatest thing I can imagine. The relief, the ability to let go entirely, to focus solely on the present...this is what I want from my dom. What I have to do to gain that trust is up to him, and could take many different paths, but that is where I want to end up. 

I just wanted to say that since joining this site, while I have received a number of weird/rude comments, for the most part I have been getting quite thoughtful and polite messages. However, I get A LOT of them. I do try to answer most of my messages, but I like to give thoughtful replies back, so I only write two or three at a time. If you hassle me for a response, you are not likely to get one. I also do not respond to one liners, or to anyone that has triggered the spam filter. But to those of you that take the time to read through my profile and comment respectively, I will do my best to reply in kind. As of now, while I am emailing a few people, I have not committed myself to anyone, and am still looking to have good thoughtful conversations, and possibly find a relationship. Thanks to everyone!

Just some thoughts...

I've been thinking about where my interest in submission comes from (this is probably the most common question I get in my inbox). My typical answer is that when I first started watching pornography, I found images of domination the most arousing. But I've come to realize that my desire for losing control started way before that. I've been thinking about fantasies and games I used to play as a kid. I always insisted on being the princess that was kidnapped, or robin that needed batman to rescue her, and I always ascribed that to the "damsel in distress" that my favorite Disney films made so popular. But what is the "damsel in distress" but a submissive? Forced, rather than willing, but still submissive. And it wasn't so much the rescue I was craving, it was the bondage, and the helplessness. I recently remembered being about three or four and locking myself into my stroller, tightening the straps as much as I could. I had no idea this was sexual of course, but it excited me. Looking at it now, what a perfect bdsm scenario! 

I don't know why at such a young age I found myself drawn to this. I have been questioning a lot lately what in my life (presumably some aspect of my parents' relationship) may have led me to this. At the same time, perhaps it's just ingrained?

I read 50 shades recently (what BDSM enthusiast didn't?) and the only part that I found truly offensive was the writer's desire to "explain" Grey's need to dominate by intense childhood trauma. While my childhood was by no means perfect, it was NEVER abusive, and I find it rather insulting to suggest that the only reason a person might desire submission/domination would be real trauma. 

I do wonder, however, what I am really trying to gain through submission. I am currently in a vanilla relationship with a wonderful person, one that I trust entirely and who knows of my preferences, and yet I am still here. I still find myself fantasizing about this lifestyle, I find myself craving more...I just don't know exactly what that is yet.