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| Hi,
First I want you to know that I'm on holiday now. Travelling around Nordic countries without any real planning. Just saying that so you know I may just be away from this place couple of days at time without notice.
It also means that I'll be updating my profile (possibly including pictures) when I have time and also right mindset. Basically when I feel like it. It is holiday after all so I don't want anything feel like a duty.
So, how to begin. This one's hard. I wrote already three introductions including my hopes and all, but wasn't happy with them at all. They were either too detailed (more like a and that's not fun) or lack the real essence of what I'm looking for.
So now I just try last time by just writing what comes to my mind.
About me first: I'm 43 years of divorced woman with no children. My marriage ended more than 10 years ago so it's not a thing. Not dating now and not going to be. I'm pretty much ordinary woman with one exception. There's always been something sick and dark in my mind. Lurking there waiting to surface. First just in my thoughts. Like those kinky fantasies most of us have. Nothing wrong with them, I though (and still do).
But they kept growing stronger and stronger until I tried to play them out by myself. But that doesn't work well. It's just not the same. It goes well few days and then the reality that I'm just pretending hits me and I stop.
So I kept thinking and dreaming and years went by. I thought I'm fine, but then year or so ago I started to realize that if I don't do anything soon, I'll never do. And I will regret it later, but then it's too late.
Well, I better just write what I'm looking for. In this try I don't go to details because that just don't work and details are not that important. I don't have that specific fetish. So, basically I want to suffer. But not just being a slave or anything like that. I like to suffer alone. Being controlled, but mostly alone. I don't really know why. It may be that it's even worse then. Alone in my flat. Suffering days after days. Feeling desperation and agony.
So there it is. But it's not just that. There's one (probably most) important thing in to it. It has to happen slowly. Like slowly sinking into depravity and pain. Having such a strict rules and expectations that they are impossible to follow without main a mistake at some point. And every mistake or rule breaking means one step deeper into pain and depravity. Every month adding more humiliation and degradation to mix.
Now I know that after some point (few years I think) I will reach new level and probably want to be a slave to someone, but that not what this is. Now I just want to explore my deepest horrors and nothing more. What comes after that comes. I don't worry that now.
And finally I have to warn you that even though this is what I want and what I just have to try there's no way of knowing am I up to it. If you're good and patient I probably will be, but if you try to push too hard too soon, I may just give up feeling it was too much.
So that's where the slowly sinking into it comes.
Thank you for reading the whole thing.
deprav
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